NOTE - Transcript of a sketch from the series "Maxwell House Coffee Time."
SOUND:
SNOOKS' AND DADDY'S VOICES ON FILTER
SNOOKS:
Hello?
JOHN:
Hello. Is that you, Snooks?
SNOOKS:
Hellooo?
JOHN:
Hello. Where's your daddy?
SNOOKS:
Hellooo?! ...
JOHN:
Hello. Who is this?
SNOOKS:
This is the operator. Five cents, please!
JOHN:
Snooks -- it is you, isn't it?
SNOOKS:
No, this is my father. (SLY, DEEP VOICE) Wanna play poker? ...
JOHN:
Snooks, where's your daddy?
SNOOKS:
He jumped out of the window and a big eagle grabbed him and--
DADDY:
(INTERRUPTS, ANNOYED) Give me that phone! (GLUM) Hello, John.
JOHN:
(SYMPATHETIC) Hello, Daddy.
DADDY:
I'll see you soon. I have to rush out and buy a suit as soon as I put Snooks to bed. Goodbye.
JOHN:
Goodbye, Daddy.
SOUND:
PHONE DISCONNECTS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE)
JOHN:
(TO HIMSELF) Well, I'll lay nine to five he never gets out.
MUSIC:
FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"
DADDY:
Snooks, I don't want you to answer the phone any more.
SNOOKS:
Why?
DADDY:
Because you say a lot of crazy things and confuse people. Why did you tell John I jumped out of the window?
SNOOKS:
I always tell him that. ...
DADDY:
You always tell him I jump out the window?
SNOOKS:
(YES) Uh-huh.
DADDY:
Well, what for?
SNOOKS:
(OVERLY COY) I don't know. ...
DADDY:
Suppose I do jump out of a window one day and you tell him that. He won't believe you, will he?
SNOOKS:
No.
DADDY:
Snooks, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?
SNOOKS:
(EAGER, EXCITED) No! Tell it to me!
DADDY:
(DISMAYED) Oh. Well, I stuck out my neck that time. ... Look, I'll tell it to you tomorrow; I'm in a hurry to get to the clothing store.
SNOOKS:
Whyyy?
DADDY:
I'm going to be fitted for an Easter suit.
SNOOKS:
When is Easter, Daddy?
DADDY:
It falls on the fifth this year. You see, Easter Sunday is governed by the date of the paschal full moon. If the paschal full moon falls on a Sunday, then the following Sunday is Easter.
SNOOKS:
Is the moon gonna fall?
DADDY:
The moon is not going to fall. According to the scientists, there's no danger of the moon falling for the next seventy million years.
SNOOKS:
(WORRIED) Will it fall on the people?!
DADDY:
I suppose so.
SNOOKS:
(EXTRAVAGANT CRYING) ...
DADDY:
What are you crying about? It won't happen for at least seventy million years.
SNOOKS:
(SOBERLY) Oh. I thought you said seven million. ...
DADDY:
Well, now you don't have to worry any more.
SNOOKS:
(THOUGHTFUL) Hmmm.
DADDY:
Goodnight.
SNOOKS:
Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?!
DADDY:
Yes?
SNOOKS:
Why does the moon make it Easter?
DADDY:
Well, the paschal full moon is the fourteenth day of the lunar month, reckoned according to an old ecclesiastical computation and not the real or astronomical full moon.
SNOOKS:
You know everything, don't you, Daddy?
DADDY:
Just about. Any more questions?
SNOOKS:
Yeah. Who tells the bunnies when it's Easter? ...
DADDY:
They don't have to be told.
SNOOKS:
Then how do they know when to lay the eggs?
DADDY:
Bunnies don't lay eggs.
SNOOKS:
Whyyy?
DADDY:
(INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) Now, how do I know?! ...
SNOOKS:
Chickens lay eggs.
DADDY:
I can't help it.
SNOOKS:
Whyyy? ...
DADDY:
(IMPATIENT) Snooks, I'll explain it to you in the morning. The tailor's waiting to measure me for my suit.
SNOOKS:
I wanna go with ya!
DADDY:
(A FIRM "NO") Snooks!
SNOOKS:
(LAUGHS WILDLY) I wanna go with ya! ...
DADDY:
You can't go with me! Can't I buy a suit of clothes without having you tag along?
SNOOKS:
Mommy's goin', ain't she?
DADDY:
Not this time she isn't.
SNOOKS:
No?
DADDY:
I'm going to wear what I like for once in my life. I'm sick of these bell-bottom pants. ...
SNOOKS:
Your coat's nice, Daddy.
DADDY:
Nice?
SNOOKS:
Yeah. I like the way it zips up the back. ... It's a zoot suit with a reet pleat. ... (LAUGHS HAPPILY)
DADDY:
You and your Mummy. I'll show you style. Wait'll I come home with my new suit. I'm getting a spring coat, too.
SNOOKS:
With springs in it?
DADDY:
No, not with springs in it.
SNOOKS:
No?
DADDY:
A nice conservative model -- with padded shoulders and a flared waistline; just a few pleats on the hem.
SNOOKS:
Are you gonna get a feather in your hat again?
DADDY:
Oh, don't be sarcastic.
SNOOKS:
I'm not being sarcastic.
DADDY:
I'm buying this coat at Squire's because they have a bargain sale: a thirty-five-dollar coat marked down to nine seventy-five. ...
SNOOKS:
How do you know, Daddy?
DADDY:
Because he advertises that way. All his coats are down.
SNOOKS:
Are his pants down, too? ...
DADDY:
What's the matter with you?
SNOOKS:
I wanna go with ya!
DADDY:
Now, Snooks, why should you want to go to the tailor's with me?
SNOOKS:
I want to get an Easter suit.
DADDY:
You'll have a new dress, I promise you. Goodnight.
SNOOKS:
Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?!
DADDY:
(ANNOYED) Oh, what do you want?!
SNOOKS:
Who lays the Easter eggs?
DADDY:
If I tell you, will you let me go?
SNOOKS:
(COY) Maybe. ...
DADDY:
All right. (A GENTLE NEGOTIATION) Do you want the rabbit to lay the Easter eggs?
SNOOKS:
(QUIETLY) No.
DADDY:
Do you want the chicken to lay them?
SNOOKS:
Nooo.
DADDY:
Well, who do you want to lay the eggs?
SNOOKS:
You. ...
DADDY:
Okay, I'll lay the Easter eggs. Satisfied?
SNOOKS:
No! Lay one now! ...
DADDY:
I will not! Oh, Snooks, please let me get out of this house! You want me to look nice, don't you?
SNOOKS:
Yes, Daddy.
DADDY:
Fine. And I'll buy you a new dress. And when I put on my new suit and coat, we'll be the hit of Easter parade.
SNOOKS:
Will you buy me a rabbit, too, Daddy?
DADDY:
(EXHALES) All right, I'll buy you a rabbit.
SNOOKS:
A white rabbit?
DADDY:
Yes, a white rabbit.
SNOOKS:
(LOW) I don't like a white rabbit. ...
DADDY:
What kind do you want?
SNOOKS:
(WILDLY) I want a blue rabbit with a purple head and a green tail! (LAUGHS) ...
DADDY:
You're insane.
SNOOKS:
Yeah.
DADDY:
Either you take a white rabbit or you get nothing.
SNOOKS:
(SOBERLY) I'll take it, Daddy.
DADDY:
And remember: you'll have to care for it yourself. No rough handling. You'll treat it just like a baby.
SNOOKS:
Like a baby?
DADDY:
Yes. You'll handle the rabbit exactly the way Mother handles Robespierre.
SNOOKS:
Will I have to change--?
DADDY:
(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Yes! ... You'll have to change his water every day.
SNOOKS:
I wasn't going to say--!
DADDY:
(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY, UPSET) I don't care what you were going to say! ... I'm not gonna waste another second here! Goodnight!
SNOOKS:
(QUIETLY) Goodnight, Daddy. (BEAT, CALLS) Daddy?!
DADDY:
(EXPLODES HYSTERICALLY) Oh, what is it now?! ...
SNOOKS:
(QUIETLY) Ehhhhh, you ain't really gonna buy me a rabbit, are ya?
DADDY:
(CALMLY) Well, I'll think about it.
SNOOKS:
When?
DADDY:
Tonight -- if you get right into bed, turn out the lights, say your prayers, and ask the angels to make you a good girl, maybe I'll bring a rabbit home with me.
SNOOKS:
All right, Daddy.
DADDY:
Good. Hurry now.
SNOOKS:
(CHUCKLES AS SHE CLIMBS INTO BED)
DADDY:
Under the covers.
SNOOKS:
Yeah.
DADDY:
There.
SNOOKS:
(CHUCKLES)
DADDY:
Out with the light. Now say your prayers.
SNOOKS:
(LOW, RAPID, INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLING)
DADDY:
What are you mumbling?
SNOOKS:
That's my prayer.
DADDY:
I can't understand a word you're saying.
SNOOKS:
I ain't talkin' to you, Daddy. ... I'm talkin' to the angels.
DADDY:
Well, they can't understand you either. Speak up.
SNOOKS:
All right. (PRAYS) Dear angels, please make my daddy a good boy, so he'll bring me home a rabbit tonight. Signing off. ...
DADDY:
Snooks, that's no way to talk to the angels.
SNOOKS:
They like it, Daddy.
DADDY:
How do you know?
SNOOKS:
I'll show you. (CALLS) You like it, don't you, angels?! (LOW AND DIRTY) That's okay with us, Snooks; you'll get your rabbit. ...
DADDY:
(GIVES UP) Ohhhh, good night.
SNOOKS:
(LAUGHS) Goodnight, Daddy.
MUSIC:
CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"
SOUND:
APPLAUSE