NOTE - Transcript of a sketch from the series "Maxwell House Coffee Time." SOUND: SNOOKS' AND DADDY'S VOICES ON FILTER SNOOKS: Hello? JOHN: Hello. Is that you, Snooks? SNOOKS: Hellooo? JOHN: Hello. Where's your daddy? SNOOKS: Hellooo?! ... JOHN: Hello. Who is this? SNOOKS: This is the operator. Five cents, please! JOHN: Snooks -- it is you, isn't it? SNOOKS: No, this is my father. (SLY, DEEP VOICE) Wanna play poker? ... JOHN: Snooks, where's your daddy? SNOOKS: He jumped out of the window and a big eagle grabbed him and-- DADDY: (INTERRUPTS, ANNOYED) Give me that phone! (GLUM) Hello, John. JOHN: (SYMPATHETIC) Hello, Daddy. DADDY: I'll see you soon. I have to rush out and buy a suit as soon as I put Snooks to bed. Goodbye. JOHN: Goodbye, Daddy. SOUND: PHONE DISCONNECTS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE) JOHN: (TO HIMSELF) Well, I'll lay nine to five he never gets out. MUSIC: FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY" DADDY: Snooks, I don't want you to answer the phone any more. SNOOKS: Why? DADDY: Because you say a lot of crazy things and confuse people. Why did you tell John I jumped out of the window? SNOOKS: I always tell him that. ... DADDY: You always tell him I jump out the window? SNOOKS: (YES) Uh-huh. DADDY: Well, what for? SNOOKS: (OVERLY COY) I don't know. ... DADDY: Suppose I do jump out of a window one day and you tell him that. He won't believe you, will he? SNOOKS: No. DADDY: Snooks, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf? SNOOKS: (EAGER, EXCITED) No! Tell it to me! DADDY: (DISMAYED) Oh. Well, I stuck out my neck that time. ... Look, I'll tell it to you tomorrow; I'm in a hurry to get to the clothing store. SNOOKS: Whyyy? DADDY: I'm going to be fitted for an Easter suit. SNOOKS: When is Easter, Daddy? DADDY: It falls on the fifth this year. You see, Easter Sunday is governed by the date of the paschal full moon. If the paschal full moon falls on a Sunday, then the following Sunday is Easter. SNOOKS: Is the moon gonna fall? DADDY: The moon is not going to fall. According to the scientists, there's no danger of the moon falling for the next seventy million years. SNOOKS: (WORRIED) Will it fall on the people?! DADDY: I suppose so. SNOOKS: (EXTRAVAGANT CRYING) ... DADDY: What are you crying about? It won't happen for at least seventy million years. SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) Oh. I thought you said seven million. ... DADDY: Well, now you don't have to worry any more. SNOOKS: (THOUGHTFUL) Hmmm. DADDY: Goodnight. SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?! DADDY: Yes? SNOOKS: Why does the moon make it Easter? DADDY: Well, the paschal full moon is the fourteenth day of the lunar month, reckoned according to an old ecclesiastical computation and not the real or astronomical full moon. SNOOKS: You know everything, don't you, Daddy? DADDY: Just about. Any more questions? SNOOKS: Yeah. Who tells the bunnies when it's Easter? ... DADDY: They don't have to be told. SNOOKS: Then how do they know when to lay the eggs? DADDY: Bunnies don't lay eggs. SNOOKS: Whyyy? DADDY: (INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) Now, how do I know?! ... SNOOKS: Chickens lay eggs. DADDY: I can't help it. SNOOKS: Whyyy? ... DADDY: (IMPATIENT) Snooks, I'll explain it to you in the morning. The tailor's waiting to measure me for my suit. SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya! DADDY: (A FIRM "NO") Snooks! SNOOKS: (LAUGHS WILDLY) I wanna go with ya! ... DADDY: You can't go with me! Can't I buy a suit of clothes without having you tag along? SNOOKS: Mommy's goin', ain't she? DADDY: Not this time she isn't. SNOOKS: No? DADDY: I'm going to wear what I like for once in my life. I'm sick of these bell-bottom pants. ... SNOOKS: Your coat's nice, Daddy. DADDY: Nice? SNOOKS: Yeah. I like the way it zips up the back. ... It's a zoot suit with a reet pleat. ... (LAUGHS HAPPILY) DADDY: You and your Mummy. I'll show you style. Wait'll I come home with my new suit. I'm getting a spring coat, too. SNOOKS: With springs in it? DADDY: No, not with springs in it. SNOOKS: No? DADDY: A nice conservative model -- with padded shoulders and a flared waistline; just a few pleats on the hem. SNOOKS: Are you gonna get a feather in your hat again? DADDY: Oh, don't be sarcastic. SNOOKS: I'm not being sarcastic. DADDY: I'm buying this coat at Squire's because they have a bargain sale: a thirty-five-dollar coat marked down to nine seventy-five. ... SNOOKS: How do you know, Daddy? DADDY: Because he advertises that way. All his coats are down. SNOOKS: Are his pants down, too? ... DADDY: What's the matter with you? SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya! DADDY: Now, Snooks, why should you want to go to the tailor's with me? SNOOKS: I want to get an Easter suit. DADDY: You'll have a new dress, I promise you. Goodnight. SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?! DADDY: (ANNOYED) Oh, what do you want?! SNOOKS: Who lays the Easter eggs? DADDY: If I tell you, will you let me go? SNOOKS: (COY) Maybe. ... DADDY: All right. (A GENTLE NEGOTIATION) Do you want the rabbit to lay the Easter eggs? SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) No. DADDY: Do you want the chicken to lay them? SNOOKS: Nooo. DADDY: Well, who do you want to lay the eggs? SNOOKS: You. ... DADDY: Okay, I'll lay the Easter eggs. Satisfied? SNOOKS: No! Lay one now! ... DADDY: I will not! Oh, Snooks, please let me get out of this house! You want me to look nice, don't you? SNOOKS: Yes, Daddy. DADDY: Fine. And I'll buy you a new dress. And when I put on my new suit and coat, we'll be the hit of Easter parade. SNOOKS: Will you buy me a rabbit, too, Daddy? DADDY: (EXHALES) All right, I'll buy you a rabbit. SNOOKS: A white rabbit? DADDY: Yes, a white rabbit. SNOOKS: (LOW) I don't like a white rabbit. ... DADDY: What kind do you want? SNOOKS: (WILDLY) I want a blue rabbit with a purple head and a green tail! (LAUGHS) ... DADDY: You're insane. SNOOKS: Yeah. DADDY: Either you take a white rabbit or you get nothing. SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) I'll take it, Daddy. DADDY: And remember: you'll have to care for it yourself. No rough handling. You'll treat it just like a baby. SNOOKS: Like a baby? DADDY: Yes. You'll handle the rabbit exactly the way Mother handles Robespierre. SNOOKS: Will I have to change--? DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Yes! ... You'll have to change his water every day. SNOOKS: I wasn't going to say--! DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY, UPSET) I don't care what you were going to say! ... I'm not gonna waste another second here! Goodnight! SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Goodnight, Daddy. (BEAT, CALLS) Daddy?! DADDY: (EXPLODES HYSTERICALLY) Oh, what is it now?! ... SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Ehhhhh, you ain't really gonna buy me a rabbit, are ya? DADDY: (CALMLY) Well, I'll think about it. SNOOKS: When? DADDY: Tonight -- if you get right into bed, turn out the lights, say your prayers, and ask the angels to make you a good girl, maybe I'll bring a rabbit home with me. SNOOKS: All right, Daddy. DADDY: Good. Hurry now. SNOOKS: (CHUCKLES AS SHE CLIMBS INTO BED) DADDY: Under the covers. SNOOKS: Yeah. DADDY: There. SNOOKS: (CHUCKLES) DADDY: Out with the light. Now say your prayers. SNOOKS: (LOW, RAPID, INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLING) DADDY: What are you mumbling? SNOOKS: That's my prayer. DADDY: I can't understand a word you're saying. SNOOKS: I ain't talkin' to you, Daddy. ... I'm talkin' to the angels. DADDY: Well, they can't understand you either. Speak up. SNOOKS: All right. (PRAYS) Dear angels, please make my daddy a good boy, so he'll bring me home a rabbit tonight. Signing off. ... DADDY: Snooks, that's no way to talk to the angels. SNOOKS: They like it, Daddy. DADDY: How do you know? SNOOKS: I'll show you. (CALLS) You like it, don't you, angels?! (LOW AND DIRTY) That's okay with us, Snooks; you'll get your rabbit. ... DADDY: (GIVES UP) Ohhhh, good night. SNOOKS: (LAUGHS) Goodnight, Daddy. MUSIC: CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY" SOUND: APPLAUSE