VERNE:

PALMOLIVE SOAP, your beauty hope - and LUSTRE CREAM SHAMPOO for soft, glamorous caressable hair, bring you Our Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden.

(APPLAUSE)

 

MUSIC:

THEME HITS AND FADES UNDER:

ANNCR:

Our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, is as conscientious about her work as any other teacher. But she's come to realize lately that there are things outside of the class-room which also demand her attention.

BROOKS:

There are two things which I feel I must do to keep abreast of the times. First, I read all the latest statistics on the cost of living, and secondly, I never miss L'il Abner! It's not that I approve of L'il Abner's grammar, but with my salary as a school teacher I have to know what's going on in Dogpatch so I won't seem like a yokel when I move there! Against this day, Mrs. Davis, my land-lady started last week to pack me a lunch so I could save the money I'd spend in the school cafeteria. Although she's come up with some pretty weird recipes --- the first sandwiches she constructed for me were made out of loganberry jelly and cucumbers - I was still grateful that I didn't have to eat the [miserable] food they've been serving in the cafeteria lately. I had never believed the old expression, "the food was swimming in grease" until one day I walked over to the steam-table and saw two pork-chops doing the Australian crawl! Anyway last Friday when the bell for lunch-period rang, I realized I'd forgotten to bring my lunch from home. So I picked up my purse, and a fifth of bicarbonate and headed for the cafeteria. But before I reached the door of my room it opened and our principal, Mr. Conklin came in.

SOUND:

[DOOR OPENS]

CONKLIN:

Good morning, Miss Brooks. On our way to lunch were we?

BROOKS:

We? Oh, you mean my purse and I, yes sir, we were going to live dangerously again.

CONKLIN:

That's what I dropped in to talk to you about, Miss Brooks. Those kind of remarks about the cafeteria have got to stop. Oh, I realize that the food they serve isn't as good as the Waldorf-Astoria, or the Ritz Hotel, or ---

BROOKS:

Or Max's Busy Bee. [Or Pete's Pig Sty.]

CONKLIN:

But you must remember Miss Brooks, that our cafeteria is operated at a very low margin of profit, and even that is turned back into the operational costs. Now I've just had some very disturbing news from Mrs. Ditson, the school dietician.

BROOKS:

What happened, did she eat there?

CONKLIN:

It's no laughing matter. Sales have fallen way off, and although the board of education doesn't hold me directly responsible for the operation, the cafeteria is part of Madison and I am Madison's Ruler - uh, Principal.

BROOKS:

Well what do you want me to do, your Excellency, er - Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

I want you to find out the temper of the student-body. You have the confidence of most [of] the pupils here, Miss Brooks and I must admit their attitude has me a little worried. I dropped into the cafeteria yesterday, and I could swear I heard rumblings.

BROOKS:

Was that before or after lunch?

CONKLIN:

Very amusing, albeit extremely ill-timed...Now then, Miss Brooks, I'm counting on your cooperation. Will you carry the ball for me?

BROOKS:

Yes, Mr. Conklin, I'll carry the ball. Provided I can have someone to run interference. You know, help me out.

CONKLIN:

Someone like who, for instance?

BROOKS:

(CORRECTING HIM) Someone like "Whom."

CONKLIN:

Don't show off...Who do you want to help you?

BROOKS:

Well, I thought maybe Mr. Boynton would be good. The students in his biology class are very fond of him.

CONKLIN:

They're not the only ones.

BROOKS:

Why Mr. Conklin, you've been muscling into my sub-conscious. That is, I usually have lunch with Mr. Boynton, and well -- together we could ---

CONKLIN:

Very well. Draft him.

BROOKS:

Aye aye, sir.

CONKLIN:

But impress upon him the necessity for discretion. It may all be just a tempest in a tea-pot. And remember, I want as little publicity in this affair as possible.

BROOKS:

Yes, Mr. Conklin! I understand.

CONKLIN:

Good...As you were.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

BROOKS:

Let's see now, how was I? Oh yes, on my way to the ---

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

BROOKS:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

DAVIS:

It's me, Connie, you forgot your lunch-box this morning so I brought it down for you.

BROOKS:

That was very sweet of you, Mrs. Davis. What's in it?

DAVIS:

(COY) What would you like to be in it?

BROOKS:

Well frankly, I've gained so much weight since I stopped eating in the cafeteria, I'd like to find a thin sandwich in it.

DAVIS:

A thin sandwich? What's that?

BROOKS:

That's a Kyron Reducing tablet between two slices of Rye-Krisp! That's one I heard on Chef Melani's program.

DAVIS:

Oh you don't have to worry about your figure, Connie. Although I do think it was a good idea of mine to start giving you lunch so you can save enough to pay me the rent-money.

BROOKS:

I'll get that straightened out as soon as possible, Mrs. Davis. Now, I have to ---

DAVIS:

Oh I don't want you to worry about it, Connie. As the old saying goes, "there's no sense in both of us worrying." (LAUGHS) That's one I heard on "Portia Faces Life"...But do you know something, Connie.

BROOKS:

What, Mrs. Davis?

DAVIS:

My brother Victor once saved so much money by eliminating lunches that he could afford to spend two weeks at the Mayo Brothers Clinic.

BROOKS:

The Mayo Brothers Clinic. What was he suffering from?

DAVIS:

Malnutrition...and an English teacher shouldn't say "suffering from."

BROOKS:

Sorry. I'd better be getting over ---

DAVIS:

My sister Angela once eliminated both breakfast and lunch for three months. She had to cut it out though.

BROOKS:

Why?

DAVIS:

Her dinners were costing her a fortune. Well I'll be running along, Connie...You can tell me how you enjoyed the little surprise I made for you when you come home this afternoon.

BROOKS:

If I come home this afternoon...I'll walk out with you Mrs. Davis, I've got to go back to the cafeteria and see how things are going.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS

BROOKS:

Well goodbye, dear, and thanks for bringing the lunch box.

DAVIS:

You're welcome...Connie..Oh what's the use, I can't keep it a secret another minute ...Guess what kind of a sandwich I made for you?

BROOKS:

Parsley and banana?

DAVIS:

(PAUSE) On what kind of bread?

BROOKS:

(PAUSE) Gluten.

DAVIS:

(PAUSE) (SULKILY BECAUSE CONNIE GUESSED IT) I hope you enjoy it.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS

BROOKS:

Well, here's the cafeteria but there don't seem to be very many ----

STRETCH:

Wait, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

(LITTLE SCREAM)

STRETCH:

Did I scare you?

BROOKS:

No I always turn this color around lunch time.

STRETCH:

It's only me - Stretch Snodgrass.

BROOKS:

Well why is Madison's star athlete lurking outside of the cafeteria?

STRETCH:

I ain't lurking.

BROOKS:

(PATIENTLY) I'm not lurking.

STRETCH:

I didn't say you was.

BROOKS:

Were.

STRETCH:

Were what? You confuse me sometimes, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Skip it Stretch...What did you want to tell me?

STRETCH:

Just that when you go into the cafeteria you shouldn't buy anything. The student body is gonna boycott the place. There's a meeting right now of the board of strat---strat--strategy.

BROOKS:

Oh..Well, who, who, who's on it? The Board, I mean.

STRETCH:

Walter Denton and Harriet Conklin, mostly.

BROOKS:

Mostly huh...Well Harriet's father will mostly take care of her if he finds out about this...Where are they meeting?

STRETCH:

In the room where they print the school paper. You know the Madison Monitor?

BROOKS:

I know the name of the paper, Stretch -- I made it up.

STRETCH:

Oh yeah? It's a very good name, Miss Brooks.. Madison Monitor...What I like about it -- it rhymes.

BROOKS:

It rhymes? With what?

STRETCH:

I dunno with what, it just rhymes. Madison -- Monitor. See what I mean?

BROOKS:

If I did we'd both be in trouble. Now listen Stretch I'm going over to the Newspaper Room and I want you to stop lurking around the cafeteria!

STRETCH:

Please, Miss Brooks, I told you before -- I don't lurk.

BROOKS:

Well you may not lurk Stretch, but what you are really rhymes with it!

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

BROOKS:

Pardon me, but is this the Office of Strategic Services?

HARRIET:

Come in, Miss Brooks.

WALTER:

Close the door, Harriet.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

WALTER:

You see Miss Brooks, this is a secret meeting about the food in the cafeteria. We don't want the faculty to get wind of it.

BROOKS:

How can they help it? On a clear day you can smell it in Bermuda!

HARRIET:

Miss Brooks, this is Mr. Dunbar...He used to teach here at Madison.

DUNBAR:

How do you do, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Hello, Mr. Dunbar.

DUNBAR:

I just stopped by to see Mr. Conklin but he wasn't in his office. So I dropped over to one of my favorite old haunts -- when I taught here - the newspaper room.

BROOKS:

Oh did you used to haunt the newspaper room? I mean were you connected with the school paper?

DUNBAR:

Yes indeed I was Faculty Advisor.

HARRIET:

That's what Miss Brooks is now.

DUNBAR:

Oh..Well, I don't want to disturb you..Go right ahead with your meeting. I'll just look through some of these old copies of the Monitor.

WALTER:

Okay, Mr. Dunbar...Now then Miss Brooks -- did anyone see you come in here?

BROOKS:

Why, no, Walter.

WALTER:

Are you positive?

BROOKS:

No, I'm not positive. If I had known that this was a secret meeting I'd have tunneled my way in.

WALTER:

Well, I guess we've got to take a chance.

HARRIET:

You see Miss Brooks, we're going to circulate a petition among the students asking them to boycott the cafeteria.

BROOKS:

Boycott it? But Harriet, what'll your father say?

HARRIET:

I've talked to Daddy Miss Brooks and he says there's nothing he can do. I deplore the embarrassment this may cause him, but as Student Body president my first duty is to my constituents.

WALTER:

(YELLS) Hear. Hear.

BROOKS:

(YELLS) I did. I did.

WALTER:

We've just finished the Preamble to the resolutions in the petition...Wanna hear it? I'll read it to you.(CLEARS THROAT) WHEREAS AND TO WIT:

BROOKS:

That's pretty strong language, isn't it? Little on the "pink" side.

HARRIET:

Listen, Miss Brooks.

WALTER:

"When in the course of students events it becomes necessary to turn one's back on one's stomach -- we the undersigned exercising our constitutional right peaceably to assemble, and to form a committee to seek redress of grievances, do hereby announce our firm intention of patronizing the Madison High School Cafeteria only to use the tables, chairs, water, napkins and toothpicks provided therein, until such time as the duly appointed party or parties, namely Mr. Osgood Conklin, Principal, or the Board of Education, responsible for the operational bog-down which has befallen this installation, do take such action which will improve the food, lower the prices and better the service in said cafeteria. It is also recommended that the person or persons in whom this authority is vested do immediately proceed to the present chef in charge of preparing the food and without further frippery or fanfare chuck him the heck off the premises!!! Well, Miss Brooks, what do you think of it?

BROOKS:

What are you asking for the picture rights?

HARRIET:

Isn't it great, Miss Brooks? And look over here - we just painted these placards. That's in case the students vote to picket.

BROOKS:

Picket? Oh now wait a minute, this is getting --

WALTER:

Look at this sign, here, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Let's see that. (READS) "REMEMBER PTO-MAINE." Oh fine...

HARRIET:

Here's another one.

BROOKS:

(READS) "Don't worry about your old age -- eat here and you'll never make it."

WALTER:

Here's one Stretch suggested. It goes: "Remember the saying 'whatever goes up must come down?' Well, in our cafeteria whatever goes down --

BROOKS:

Walter! Now that's going too far. There must be some other way we can get conditions improved. What you kids are suggesting is practically mutiny.

HARRIET:

Believe me, Miss Brooks there isn't any other way.

WALTER:

You've always been completely honest and frank with us, Miss Brooks. And your honesty and the constant veracity of any and all of your statements is something that has acted like a beacon for us pupils...A beacon and a yardstick to measure our own actions as regards our relations with our fellow students. And so --

BROOKS:

Please, Walter, let's not have a sequel to the preamble. I know the food isn't very good in the cafeteria.

HARRIET:

Just "not very good," Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Well, pretty bad, then.

WALTER:

Just, "pretty bad," Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Well - putrid.

WALTER:

Hooray, she's on our side! Here, Miss Brooks, take this sign, we're making you an honorary picket!

BROOKS:

But I don't want to be a picket. Don't you see, we've got to avoid all publicity or Mr. Conklin'll be ---

WALTER:

It's too late now..you're in this thing as deep as we are.

BROOKS:

I'm in this thing as "deeply" as you are.

DUNBAR:

(FADING ON) Well, this has certainly been an interesting little caucus...But I'm afraid I'll have to be running along now. Glad to have met you, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Oh, thank you, Mr. Dunbar.

HARRIET:

Goodbye, Mr. Dunbar.

WALTER:

So long.

DUNBAR:

Goodbye, kids.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

BROOKS:

Very nice fellow.

WALTER:

Yeah. He used to teach English too..of course now he's the Editor of the Evening Gazette -- one of the biggest papers in the County.

HARRIET:

He's been investigating conditions in the schools in this area.

BROOKS:

Oh, well that's certainly a commendable sort of -- Investigating conditions? But he just heard me say the food here was putrid.

WALTER:

So?

BROOKS:

So, I want to be sure and watch for my picture in the Gazette.

WALTER:

Do you think it'll be on the front page?

BROOKS:

No, in L'il Abner. There's going to be a new school marm in Dogpatch!

MUSIC:

PLAYOFF

(APPLAUSE)

 

BOB:

Our Miss Brooks starring Eve Arden will continue in just a moment, but first here is Verne Smith.

ANNCR:

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ANNCR:

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(PAUSE)
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MUSIC:

THEME

BROOKS:

Well, I finally prevailed upon Walter and Harriet to postpone the cafeteria boycott, until I could talk it over with Mr. Boynton [and report back to Mr. Conklin]. Then I hurried down to the biology laboratory.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

BOYNTON:

(OFF) Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

BROOKS:

Excuse me, Mr. Boynton, but I've got to talk to you about something. Could you come to the cafeteria with me right away?

BOYNTON:

But I haven't been eating lunch in the cafeteria, Miss Brooks.. I bring my lunch.

BROOKS:

Oh, I do too. See, I've got my lunch box with me. But I thought we'd go to the cafeteria for some coffee, and I could tell you what --

BOYNTON:

I've got a thermos full of coffee, and it's so much cozier than the cafeteria. Won't you have lunch here, Miss Brooks-- with me?

BROOKS:

(DOWN) Well, Mr. Conklin, I tried. (UP) I suppose I could tell you what's on my mind after lunch.

BOYNTON:

Good. Sit right down at that table over there.. just push those jars to one side.

BROOKS:

All right, Mr. Boynton.. I'll -- (SCREAMS)

BOYNTON:

What's the matter?

BROOKS:

One of these jars just smiled at me.

BOYNTON:

Oh, don't be alarmed, Miss Brooks. Those are just some shrunken heads -- a friend of mine sent them to me from Africa.

BROOKS:

Well, if they're here for lunch, they can have mine.

BOYNTON:

I'll just be a minute, Miss Brooks.. I'm feeding my pet frog, MacDougall. You remember Miss Brooks, Mac?

BROOKS:

Hi, Mac.

MAC:

CROAKS ONCE

BOYNTON:

I always feed Mac before I eat myself.. Just like the cowboy stars do in those Western movies.. they always feed their horses first.

BROOKS:

Good for you, pardner.

BOYNTON:

Of course, I've never owned a horse, but old Mac here is as close to me as any pet I've ever had.

BROOKS:

Yes, I know. Why don't we throw a saddle on him and go for a ride after school? Look, Mr. Boynton, maybe I shouldn't wait any longer to tell you what I discussed with Mr. Conklin.

BOYNTON:

Please Miss Brooks! Not while Mac is eating!... This is a festive occasion....let's not talk about anything serious. I heard a brand new joke the other day. Would you like to hear it?

BROOKS:

I might as well.

BOYNTON:

It's sort of a riddle.. It goes, Why can't a woman swallow her apron?

BROOKS:

I don't know, Mr. Boynton.. why can't a woman swallow her apron?

BOYNTON:

Because it goes against her stomach. (LAUGHS) Fred Meyers, the math teacher, told me that one. He's a hot sketch anyway, don't you think?

BROOKS:

Yes.. he's funnier than trigonometry.

BOYNTON:

The new French teacher, Mr. La Blanche, has a good sense of humor, too. As a matter of fact he's supposed to have lunch with me today. He said he'd prepare something typically French at home and bring [it] into the lab.

BROOKS:

What do you think he'll prepare, Mr. Boynton, frogs-legs?

MAC:

CROAKS FOUR TIMES

BOYNTON:

Calm down, Mac -- she didn't mean it. Nobody's going to touch you while I'm around. He's pretty sensitive Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

I'm sorry, Mac, I lost my head.

SOUND:

FOOT KICKING ON DOOR.

LE B:

(OFF) Let me in, please.

BOYNTON:

That's Le Blanche, now...

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS DOOR OPENS.

LE B:

I'm sorry I 'ave to kick on your door Mr. Boynton, but as you can see my arms are full.

BROOKS:

Hello Monsieur Le Blanche.

LE B:

Ah, Miss Brooks. Now I am doubly sorry my arms are full.

BROOKS:

Well thank you Monsieur Le Blanche [-- and I'll meet you in the Casbah later...] and "are you listenin', Monsieur Boynton, hmmmmm?"

BOYNTON:

Just put that casserole on this table here.. By those jars.

LE B:

Very well.. (LITTLE SCREAM) Who are these - the Board of Education?

BROOKS:

Yes -- African Branch.. What's in the casserole Monsieur?

LE B:

It is a famous French recipe Miss Brooks, called (FRENCH SENTENCE)....

BROOKS:

Which means?

LE B:

Meat-balls! I assure you they are better than the food served in our cafeteria.

BROOKS:

That reminds me, the kids have gotten up a petition to boycott the place, and --

LE B:

Good for them.

BROOKS:

It may be good for them but it won't be so good for me unless I can do something to stop it. You see, I promised Mr. Conklin --

LE B:

Please, Miss Brooks, let us not talk shop. Well, Mr. Boynton everything is ready but the sauce.. this I must simmer for a few more minutes.. May I use your Bunsen burner?

BOYNTON:

Of course.. I'll turn it up for you at once.

BROOKS:

I'm not very hungry. Could I just boil an egg in the sterilizer?

LE B:

Miss Brooks, just hold this dish right here-- so.. Ahh, soon we will have the finest eating in the world.. While we are waiting I tell you a story yes?

BOYNTON:

Fine.

LE B:

This is a very old story that was handed down from the time of Napoleon Bonaparte and the Empress Eugenie.. Please stop me if you have heard it, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

I doubt it, Eugenie and I weren't very chummy.

LE B:

Yes.. Well, once upon a time there was an emissary from the Court of England, but he was not an emissary, he was a spy. And he had a message to another spy tucked beneath his belt... A message in code of course..

BOYNTON:

(INTERESTED) Go on.

LE B:

Well, when this spy got to Paris he was apprehended by the Surete -- you know, the police and so, he took the message from beneath his belt and thought to swallow it, but he could not. Pourquoi? Why? Because it went against his stomach!

BOYNTON:

I don't get it! You say he had the message tucked underneath --

BROOKS:

Never mind, Mr. Boynton, he can explain it later.. Could I stop holding this dish over the Bunsen burner now, my nails are melting.

LE B:

But of course.. Here let me smell it.. (SNIFFS) Hmmmm.. Delicious.. It just needs one thing.. let me see..Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

Yes?

LE B:

Do you think we could persuade Monsieur MacDougall to stroll through this sauce?

MAC:

CROAKS FOUR TIMES

BOYNTON:

He's only kidding Mac.. Take it easy..

MAC:

ONE MORE CALMER CROAK

BOYNTON:

That's a boy.. There are some plates on that shelf over your head, Miss Brooks -- would you hand me a few of them?

BROOKS:

All right, Mr. Boynton. But I'm afraid I won't be able to join you right now - I'm too nervous about Mr. Conklin. If he caught us eating here instead of the cafeteria he'd----

BOYNTON:

Will you please stop worrying about Mr. Conklin, Miss Brooks? I assure you that the only reason he goes to the cafeteria is for appearances sake. He's probably got a nice home-made lunch hidden in the safe in his office.

BROOKS:

In the safe?

LE B:

Mr. Boynton is right. Let's forget about Mr. Conklin and enjoy our lunch together.. Just the three of us.. Like the Three Musketeers, no? I make a toast -- all for one and one for all.

BOYNTON:

All for one and one for all!

BROOKS:

All for one and one for --- wait a minute, this is Formaldehyde!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE SEGUES TO BRIEF HUNK OF "LOOK OUT FOR JIMMY VALENTINE"

SOUND:

TUMBLERS CLICKING IN OFFICE SAFE.

CONKLIN:

Three to the right.. four left.. now two more to the right..

SOUND:

LATCH CLICKS .. SAFE SWINGS OPEN

CONKLIN:

There we are...Now for a nice chicken sandwich..Just the way I like it...plenty of lettuce.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

CONKLIN:

Oops.

SOUND:

PLATE BEING PUT DOWN ON IRON SAFE..IRON DOOR CLANGS SHUT.

CONKLIN:

(CASUALLY) Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

DUNBAR:

Greetings, Mr. Conklin..I'm Martin Dunbar - used to teach for you a few years back -- remember me?

CONKLIN:

Dunbar, Dunbar...Yes of course... You taught Latin didn't you?

DUNBAR:

You're close...English.

CONKLIN:

Oh of course. Well always glad to see any of my old teachers. Drop in any time.

DUNBAR:

I did. I dropped in today.

CONKLIN:

Oh. Well, I'm rather busy right now so --

DUNBAR:

Same old evasive Osgood...

CONKLIN:

What? Now see here young man, by what license do you call me by my first name?

DUNBAR:

Same old pompous Osgood.

CONKLIN:

Pompous? Why you -- who do you -- what do you -- how dare you --

DUNBAR:

Same old blood-pressure too..Look Osgood, as Editor of the Evening Gazette it's my duty to expose certain things to the public-view. Not all things mind you - just those things that have a rather unpleasant odor.

CONKLIN:

Now you leave our Cafeteria out of this.. I mean what are you --

DUNBAR:

I didn't mention your cafeteria, Osgood -- but now that you did, I think you ought to know at least as much as I do. Namely, the students here are talking about a boycott.

CONKLIN:

What students? Probably just a handful of irresponsible scatter-brained trouble-making oafs.

DUNBAR:

One of the pupils who told me about it was named Harriet Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Just the type I had in mind. Nothing but a -- HARRIET CONKLIN?

DUNBAR:

That's right, Osgood. Your own daughter. And it isn't just the students that are rebelling, I heard one of your teachers refer to the food here as "putrid."

CONKLIN:

A teacher said that?

DUNBAR:

Um hmmmmm. That'll make a nice head-line too.."Faculty Member Slings Mud At Cafeteria Hash."

CONKLIN:

Now just a minute, Dunbar --

DUNBAR:

Or, "Madison English Teacher Vilifies Victuals."

CONKLIN:

Did you say, "English Teacher?"

DUNBAR:

I did. Miss Brooks is the name. She's in this thing as deep as any of them.

CONKLIN:

"Deeply", Editor...But I told her to -- Look, there must be some way we can straighten this thing out. Tell you what Dunbar old boy --

DUNBAR:

Yes, kiddo?

CONKLIN:

Meet me in the cafeteria in five minutes. We'll, uh, we'll have..uhh..lunch together. I was on my way there when you came in.

DUNBAR:

All right - but where are you going now?

CONKLIN:

I'm going to find Miss Brooks and make her eat her words. (DOWN) Or worse yet, I'll make her eat in the cafeteria.. (UP) See you in a little while, Dunbar.

DUNBAR:

Oh Mr. Conklin, before you go..

CONKLIN:

Yes?

DUNBAR:

You'd better slam that safe again - your lettuce is showing!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LE B:

Voila..And that is the end of the story.

BOYNTON:

But if he had the message under his belt...

BROOKS:

Mr. Boynton, why don't you get another meat-ball under your belt and forget the story..

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

CONKLIN:

Aha...Just as I thought.

BOYNTON:

Hello Mr. Conklin.

BROOKS:

Hello Mr. Conklin.

LE B:

'allo, Mr. Conklin,

CONKLIN:

Don't "hello" me you - you culprits!

LE B:

Q'est que 'c'est "culprits?"

BROOKS:

(DOWN) Mr. Conklin'll 'q'est que tell you in a minute.

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, I entrusted you with a mission. A simple mission that a child could perform and you failed me. Instead of bringing me news of this..this insurrection you joined it.

BROOKS:

But Mr. Conklin --

CONKLIN:

There's no time for apologies now -- I want you to run down to the nearest good restaurant and buy the best lunch that -- (SNIFFS) What's that I smell? (SNIFFS) Oh, it's from this dish, here. Say, that's a wonderful aroma.

LE B:

But of course .. It is my own recipe. Called (FRENCH SENTENCE)

CONKLIN:

Meat-balls, eh? Are they really good?

BOYNTON:

Yes sir, they're wonderful.

CONKLIN:

Well that saves somebody a trip. Bring the whole plate up to the cafeteria immediately. Miss Brooks - you are acquainted with Mr. Dunbar I presume.

BROOKS:

(INNOCENTLY) Dunbar? Yes, we've met.

CONKLIN:

Don't sound so innocent. According to him you shot your mouth off like it was the fourth of July. Now get that food into the cafeteria immediately.

BROOKS:

But --

CONKLIN:

(LOUD) Immediately!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CUTLERY

CAST:

HUBBUB FADES OUT ON CUE

DUNBAR:

Well I must say that was the best food I've ever had in or out of a school-cafeteria.

CONKLIN:

I wish you'd repeat that statement Dunbar..I see my daughter Harriet and her idiot consort approaching.

DUNBAR:

Oh..Hello kids.

WALTER:

(BRIGHTLY) Hello Mr. Dunbar.. (DOWN) Hello Mr. Conklin.

HARRIET:

Why Mr. Dunbar - you've cleaned your plate.

CONKLIN:

Of course he has..the food was wonderful..wasn't it Mr. Dunbar?

DUNBAR:

It certainly was.

WALTER:

That means we can call off the boycott.

HARRIET:

WHAT did you do, Daddy, fire the Chef?

CONKLIN:

Better than that my dear.. Look..behind the steam-table. (CALLS) An order of meat-balls please.

BROOKS:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) (YELLS) ONE MEAT BALLS COMIN' UP!

MUSIC:

PLAY OFF

(APPLAUSE)

 

BOB:

Eve Arden returns in just a moment, but first...

MUSIC:

SINGER:

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Beautiful Lustre-Cream Girl.

VERNE:

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SINGER:

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ANNCR:

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we would like to bring to our microphone the western editor of Radio Mirror Magazine, Miss Ann Daggett.

(APPLAUSE)

 

DAGGETT:

Thank you, Mr. Lemond. As you know, the current issue of Radio Mirror Magazine is now announcing the results of its annual awards based on a poll of radio listeners all over the country. It is my pleasant duty to present this scroll in behalf of those listeners who have elected as radio's top-ranking comedienne, Miss Eve Arden.

(APPLAUSE)

 

ARDEN:

Thank you, Miss Daggett and my sincere thanks also to you listeners who made this award possible. I'd like to say at this time that I'm certainly going to try in the coming months to merit the honor you've bestowed upon me, because I understand that if I win this scroll two years in a row, I get to keep Mr. Boynton. Thanks again and goodnight.

VERNE:

Next week, tune in to another "OUR MISS BROOKS" show brought to you by PALMOLIVE SOAP, your beauty hope.. and LUSTRE-CREME SHAMPOO, for soft, glamorous caressable hair.

BOB:

"Our Miss Brooks" starring Eve Arden is produced by Larry Berns, written and directed by Al Lewis with music by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton was played by Jeff Chandler. Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillian, Leonard Smith, Gerald Mohr and Bill Conrad.

MUSIC:

THEME (FADE DOWN AND OUT FOR: HITCH HIKE)

GRAHAM:

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MUSIC:

THEME

BOB:

For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to Mr. and Mrs. North...the exciting fun-packed adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evenings over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks"--Bob Lemond speaking.

THIS IS CBS...THE COLUMBIA....BROADCASTING SYSTEM...