HARLOW:

The Johnson Wax Program!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN BEHIND HARLOW--

HARLOW:

The makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat present "Fibber McGee and Molly," written by Don Quinn. With music by the King's Men and Billy Mills and His Orchestra.

FIBBER:

Ladies and gentlemen, realizing the tremendous interest you all have in the election returns tonight, NBC has arranged to bring you the latest results at intervals during our program.

HARLOW:

And now, Billy Mills and His Orchestra open the show with "So You're the One."

MUSIC:

SWINGING VERSION OF 1940 POP TUNE "SO YOU'RE THE ONE" (by Hy Zaret, Joan Whitney and Alex Kramer) ... FADES UNDER--

HARLOW:

When you walk on wax, you save your floors. You've heard me say this before, but I like to repeat it because it illustrates so clearly the protection offered by genuine Johnson's Wax -- the reason why this famous floor wax saves work and saves money throughout the year. When you apply a coat of Johnson's Wax to your floors, you're protecting them with a tough invisible wax shield -- a shield that guards the finish against scratches, scars, and dirt. 'Course, that's only half the Johnson's Wax story, because floors that are regularly Johnson-waxed become more beautiful with every application. They have that rich mellow glow so much desired by better housekeepers. Add to this, the one hundred extra uses for genuine Johnson's Wax -- for furniture, woodwork, leather goods -- and you understand why it is in so many homes everywhere. You can buy genuine Johnson's Wax in the familiar paste or liquid form, and in the new cream wax, especially formulated
for furniture and woodwork. Try some tomorrow.

MUSIC:

"SO YOU'RE THE ONE" FADES UP ... THEN ENDS

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

HARLOW:

Well, the Good Government Club of Wistful Vista has offered two hundred and fifty dollars to the election officials who bring out the voters in their precinct one hundred percent. And here, presiding at the polling place, which also happens to be their home at Seventy-Nine Wistful Vista, we find those two eager officials, Fibber McGee and Molly!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... COMMOTION OF CROWD

MOLLY:

Eh, now remember, McGee--

FIBBER:

What?

MOLLY:

As long as we're election officials, we've got to be absolutely non- partisan.

FIBBER:

Okay. But who are we gonna be non-partisan against?

NICK:

'Scuze me, please, President Droopy, I'd like to vote.

MOLLY:

Why, hello, Mr. Depopoulous.

FIBBER:

Your name, please, Nick?

NICK:

Nicholas Agasaki Prometheus G. Depopoulous.

MOLLY:

Oh. What's the "G" stand for?

NICK:

Junior. ...

FIBBER:

And you got the same name as your old man?

NICK:

Oh, no. Papa's name is being Nicholas Agasaki Prometheus C. Depopoulous.

MOLLY:

Oh. What's the "C" for?

NICK:

Senior. ...

FIBBER:

Okay, okay, let it go. Here's your ballot, Nick. Mark it in the other room and then fold it and put it in this little box right here.

NICK:

Okey-dokey, Fibber. But if I'd only known it was this much trouble to elect a President of the United States, it's certainly worth it, isn't it? Eh? ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

Imagine giving a dumbbell like him the vote, Molly?

MOLLY:

Well, the first time you voted, you weren't so smart either, dearie.

FIBBER:

Oh, what'd I do?

MOLLY:

You took a ruler and a pair of scissors with you.

FIBBER:

What?!

MOLLY:

You said, as long as you were going to split your ticket, you wanted it to look neat. ...

FIBBER:

That was before I knew--

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

FIBBER:

I'll get it.

MOLLY:

Okay.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

FIBBER:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? Yes? Thirteenth Precinct, polling place. Judge McGee speaking. --- No. No, we ain't allowed to give out any information. --- No, we don't know how the votin' is going for any candidate. No. --- Ah well, you'll just have to wait for the morning press, I guess. --- Yeah. Okay, Mr. Gallup.

SOUND:

HANGS UP PHONE ... APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

Was that George Gallup?

FIBBER:

No, Charlie; a fella I used to know in the circus.

MOLLY:

Oh.

FIBBER:

He used to play the cantaloupe in the parade.

MOLLY:

No, you don't mean cantaloupe. You mean he played the calamity. ...

FIBBER:

Molly, a calamity is something bad.

MOLLY:

Well, I never heard one played good! ...

FIBBER:

One what?

MOLLY:

One of those steam pianos -- those antelopes. ...

FIBBER:

Dad rat it, they ain't antelopes. Antelopes are kinda deer.

MOLLY:

I don't care how much they cost, I don't like 'em. ... And for your information, dearie, a cantaloupe is a mush melon.

FIBBER:

Of course it's a mush melon! I know that!

MOLLY:

Well, how could anyone play a mush melon in the circus?!

FIBBER:

Charlie did. ... Bored holes into it and played it like a sweet potato. It was a little drippy, but it had rhythm. ... Can't forget one time we played Mishawaka, Indiana, and Charlie couldn't find a cantaloupe for love nor money. Had to use a persimmon.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES)

FIBBER:

Yeah, he played the parade, all right, but his face was so puckered up he couldn't get near nobody for three weeks. Yeah, everybody thought he was gonna kiss 'em. ... Well sir, the following week, we were--

MOLLY:

McGee?

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

You know what you can get me for Christmas?

FIBBER:

No. What?

MOLLY:

(PLAYFULLY) A big, beautifully-colored, handsomely-framed, Rand McNally map of that dream world you live in. ... (CHUCKLES) Now let's get back to work, dearie.

FIBBER:

Okay, okay, okay. How many more votes do we need to get a hundred percent turnout?

MOLLY:

About twenty-two.

FIBBER:

Twenty-two?

MOLLY:

Yes.

FIBBER:

Say, that's pretty good. Only twenty-two more, huh? Well, looks like we might win that two hundred and fifty bucks, Molly. Gee, wouldn't that be great?

MOLLY:

Mm hm.

FIBBER:

Wonder how the election's comin' on in other parts of the country.

MOLLY:

Well, search me.

FIBBER:

Shall I turn on the radio?

MOLLY:

Well, I was goin' to turn it on meself, and then I got worried.

FIBBER:

What were you worried about?

MOLLY:

Well, that radio of ours is so old, I was afraid we'd get returns from the Coolidge campaign. ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

Well, let's try it. I'll get the NBC newsroom in New York. (TO ALL) Quiet in the polling place, please. We're goin' to get some election returns.

NBC ANNCR:

Here are the last-minute election returns. Roosevelt has taken an early lead in the presidential election. On the basis of incomplete returns which have now come in from the South, the East, and a part of the Midwest, the NBC Election Totalizer Board here in New York now shows these figures--

Roosevelt, two million, six hundred and five thousand [2,605,000]. Willkie, two million, thirty-seven thousand [2,037,000]. This represents approximately nine percent of the total vote cast today. Roosevelt is holding a narrow lead in the important states of Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania, and Illinois. And also in Connecticut. Returns from New York, which represents forty-seven electoral votes, are just beginning to come in.

And here are bulletins from various states, as they're coming into the NBC newsroom--

New York. The first election district reporting tonight of eight hundred and four [804] in Bronx county, home of Democratic National Chairman Edward Flynn, tonight gave Willkie four hundred and twenty [420] to four hundred [400] for Roosevelt.

Rome, New York. Roosevelt defeated Willkie seven thousand, three hundred and forty-five [7,345] to six thousand, five hundred and sixty-three [6,563] in the city of Rome, in an unofficial tabulation of votes in the first upstate city reporting complete in today's election.

Cleveland, Ohio. The Cleveland Plain Dealer, which supported Wendell Willkie, predicted tonight that President Roosevelt would carry Ohio by one hundred and fifty thousand votes.

Here is a bulletin. Washington at 9:30 p. m. With returns far from complete, Roosevelt was leading in states having a total electoral vote of two hundred and seventy-seven -- as follows; Alabama, Arkansas, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, North Dakota, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, and West Virginia. Willkie was leading in states with an aggregate electoral vote of one hundred and seventy-nine -- as follows; Arizona, Colorado, Delaware, Kansas, Maine, Michigan, Missouri, Nebraska, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont, Wisconsin.

Keep tuned in to this station for further election returns. Now I return you to Fibber McGee and Molly as Billy Mills and His Orchestra play "Bojangles of Harlem."

MUSIC:

SWINGING VERSION OF 1936 MOVIE SONG "BOJANGLES OF HARLEM" (by Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields)

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

Well, how does it look, Molly? We gonna turn in a hundred percent vote in this precinct?

MOLLY:

I believe we are, McGee. Oh, there's only a few more--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

FLANAGAN:

(URGENT) Hey, Mr. McGee! How old you got to be to vote?

FIBBER:

Twenty-one, Flanagan.

FLANAGAN:

Gee, that's great. I'll bring me son over right away.

MOLLY:

But, Mr. Flanagan, I thought your son was only sixteen.

FLANAGAN:

He is. But he's heard so many campaign speeches, he's aged five years!

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS ... APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

Ah, it's wonderful what radio has done for politics, isn't it, dearie?

FIBBER:

Yeah, it is. Used to be, a speaker had to get up on a stump to talk, now they stand in front of a mike and get theirselves out on a limb. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

UPPINGTON:

Well, how do you do, Mrs. McGee? And Mr. McGee? Uh, does one do one's voting in here?

MOLLY:

Yes, one does, Mrs. Uppington. Will one step up to the desk, please?

FIBBER:

Raise your right hand, Uppy.

UPPINGTON:

Oh? Must I be sworn in?

FIBBER:

No, but that dress is so tight, I just wondered if you could do it. ... Okay, let it down. Now then, a few questions, Uppy, please. Your name?

UPPINGTON:

Uppington. Mrs. Abigail Uppington.

MOLLY:

Residence?

UPPINGTON:

Stucco.

FIBBER:

Aw, your house is brick.

UPPINGTON:

I thought so, too, until I paid for it.

FIBBER:

Huh?

UPPINGTON:

Then I realized I got stucco. Ooh, how I got stucco! Oh, my! ...

MOLLY:

That's a very old joke, Mrs. Uppington.

UPPINGTON:

Listen, it's a very old house. (LAUGHS GOOFILY) ...

FIBBER:

Uppy, you're hotter than a short-order kitchen tonight, you know it? You oughta save that material. (BEAT) Indefinitely. ...

UPPINGTON:

I intend to, Mr. McGee. You know, I expect to write someday.

FIBBER:

Oh, and you'll love it, too, Uppy. I remember when I learned to write. The teacher says to me--

UPPINGTON:

Please, Mr. McGee! ... Enough of this. My ballot, please.

MOLLY:

Just a moment, Mrs. Uppington. Your age, please?

UPPINGTON:

I am fifty-- Uh-- (CLEARS THROAT) I mean, um-- Oh, let us just say -- "over twenty-one."

FIBBER:

(MOCK DRAMATIC) Oh, now, Uppy! Not you?

UPPINGTON:

Yes. Really I am, Mr. McGee. (SELF-CONSCIOUS LAUGHTER) Although I realize I have the face of a young girl.

MOLLY:

Well, you'd better give it back to her. You're gettin' it all wrinkled. ...

UPPINGTON:

(INDIGNANT) Well, really, now, I-- Oh! My ballot, please! And where do I vote?

FIBBER:

Well, here you are, Uppy. And just go through that door there, Uppy. You'll find the place to--

MOLLY:

(PANIC) No, no, no! Not that door!

FIBBER:

No, no! Not in there!

MOLLY:

Oh, no!

SOUND:

CLOSET DOOR OPENS ... LENGTHY CRASH-BOOM-BANG! AS EVERYTHING IN FIBBER'S CLOSET FALLS OUT ...

FIBBER:

(BEAT) Hey, Molly?

MOLLY:

Yes?

FIBBER:

After election, remind me to straighten out that closet. ...

MOLLY:

Did you see Mrs. Uppington get out of there? Lovely footwork.

FIBBER:

Yeah. She's a little lightweight, sure.

SOUND:

COMMOTION OF CROWD OUTSIDE

MOLLY:

Say, what on earth is that?

FIBBER:

Hey!

MOLLY:

Look, somebody's making a speech out there.

FIBBER:

Why, he can't do that. He's electioneering within a hundred feet of a polling place! I'll put a stop to that. (MOVING OFF) Come on, Molly!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... CROWD CHEERS

HARLOW:

(A ROUSING ORATION) And that's why today, my friends, the Johnson's Self Polishing Glo-Coat -- the people's choice! -- should be elected to office! And not only to the office, but to the home! Because it saves hours of housework and is so easy to use!

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS

HARLOW:

Glo-Coat! Glo-Coat requires no rubbing and no buffing! And gives new luster, and beauty, to all your kitchen lin-oooooo-leum!

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS

HARLOW:

That! That is why I say, vote for Johnson's Self Polishing Glo-Coat, regardless of party! And if you must have a party, be sure and use Glo-Coat, because all good parties wind up in the kitchen!

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS ... DOOR CLOSES ... APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

I think I'm gonna start carrying smellin' salts with me, Molly.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) What for?

FIBBER:

Someday Wilcox is gonna forget that tricky stuff and simply say, "Folks, now I'm gonna talk about Johnson's Glo-Coat." And when he does that, I'll faint.

MOLLY:

Never mind that, McGee. If we want to win that prize, we'd better get some of these voters in here.

FIBBER:

Yeah?

MOLLY:

Why don't you call some of 'em up?

FIBBER:

Hey, that's a great idea, Molly. Gimme the phone, thanks? Thanks.

SOUND:

PICKS UP PHONE

FIBBER:

(INTO PHONE) Hello, Operator? Gimme the resi-- Oh, is that you, Myrt?

MOLLY:

(GROANS)

FIBBER:

(INTO PHONE) How's every little thing, Myrt? --- 'Tis, huh? --- Who? Your sister? Chopped off her what?!

MOLLY:

Oh, heavenly days, McGee. What happened?

FIBBER:

Myrt's sister was singin' "The Old Oaken Bucket" at the radio station and they chopped off eight bars off her chorus. ... (INTO PHONE) What say, Myrt? Oh, our line's out of order, huh? Okay, Myrt. Thanks anyway.

SOUND:

HANGS UP PHONE

FIBBER:

Can you imagine that?

MOLLY:

Well, there's still time for the rest of the voters--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

OLD TIMER:

(EXUBERANT) Hello, Johnny! Hello, daughter! Gimme a ballot!

FIBBER:

Well, okay, old timer. Here you are. A few questions first, though. (LOW, TO MOLLY) Here's where we find out how old's this fella and what his name really is, Molly.

MOLLY:

Yes, yes. (TO OLD TIMER) Name, please?

OLD TIMER:

(HIGH AND SHRILL) Eh?!

FIBBER:

Okay. Okay, Old Timer. Come on. Come on, what's your name?

OLD TIMER:

Puddin' Tame! Ask me again, I'll tell you the same! (CACKLES) ...

MOLLY:

For goodness' sakes, don't be so coy, Mr. Old Timer. If you don't answer the questions, you can't vote, you know.

OLD TIMER:

Ah, but darn it, daughter -- why've I got to give you all this information?

FIBBER:

To make your vote legal, Old Timer.

OLD TIMER:

How do you know what's legal, Johnny?

FIBBER:

Who me?

OLD TIMER:

Yes.

FIBBER:

Why, I've been in politics since I was knee-high to a ward heeler, Old Timer. Committeeman, alderman, mayor. Why, when I was prosecutin' attorney, lawyers from all over the country used to say my pleas to the jury were the prettiest they ever heard. "Pretty Pleas McGee" I was knowed as in those days. ... (RAPIDLY) "Pretty Pleas McGee" -- proclaimed by press and public, the peerless prosecutor of pilfering pickpockets, political parasites, and perfidious persons performing petty peccadilloes; puttin' prison pajamas on poker players preyin' on poor punks with peculiar pasteboards and purloinin' property with prestidigitation; pleadin' with passion and pathos for poor people in pretty pickles; a peppy personality with a capital "P" -- but here's more returns from NBC! ...

NBC ANNCR:

Incomplete election returns are now available from forty of the forty-eight states. And on the basis of these incomplete returns, President Roosevelt is leading Wendell Willkie in both the popular and the indicated electoral vote. States having two hundred and seventy-seven electoral votes are leaning toward Roosevelt. Willkie is holding a lead in states with an aggregate electoral vote of one hundred and seventy-nine. The NBC election chart now shows two million, eight hundred and twenty thousand, nine hundred and nine [2,820,909] for Roosevelt, two million, two hundred and twenty-nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two [2,229,322] for Willkie, with ten percent of the total returns in. These are accurate figures based on news services.

Manchester, New Hampshire. A neck and neck battle for New Hampshire's four electoral votes developed tonight, as early returns trickled in from scattered communities in the Granite State, which four years ago, staged the tightest finish in the nation in that presidential race. Returns from fifty-three of the state's two hundred and ninety-four [294] precincts gave President Roosevelt nine thousand, five hundred and sixty-four [9,564] votes, to nine thousand, three hundred and twelve [9,312] for Wendell Willkie.

Pittsburgh. President Roosevelt held an unofficial lead of thirty-five thousand, nine hundred and sixty-eight [35,968] votes in Pennsylvania tonight, with three hundred and thirty-two [332] of the state's eight thousand, one hundred [8,100] precincts reporting. The vote -- Roosevelt, one hundred and forty-nine thousand, four hundred and sixty [149,460]; Willkie, one hundred and thirteen thousand, four hundred and ninety-two [113,492].

New York. The first five election districts to report from New York county tonight gave Roosevelt two thousand and eighty [2,080], Willkie four hundred and forty-one [441].

Albany, New York. Nine districts out of two hundred and twelve [212] in Albany county give Roosevelt three thousand, one hundred and forty-one [3,141]; Willkie nine hundred and seventy-five [975].

Minneapolis. Wendell L. Willkie led President Roosevelt in the first returns from Minnesota, the Republican nominee getting two hundred and fifty [250] votes to Mr. Roosevelt's one hundred and seventy [170], in one precinct out of three thousand, six hundred and ninety-six [3,696].

Des Moines, Iowa. The first three precincts to report in Iowa in the presidential race gave Wendell Willkie one thousand, one hundred and two votes [1,102] votes to seven hundred and sixty-two [762] for President Roosevelt. The return was from Grundy County, which had a Democratic majority in 1936.

Keep tuned to this station. Now we return you to Fibber McGee and Molly, as the King's Men sing, "You Can't Tell a Man by His Hat."

MUSIC:

PEPPY VERSION OF 1937 SHOW TUNE "YOU CAN'T TELL A MAN BY HIS HAT" (by Manning Sherwin and Frank Loesser)

KING'S MEN:

Oh, once upon a time before the world had gone informal,
Things were normal and a girl could figure out
By a man's fedora, or his top hat or his Panama,
Exactly what that man was all about.
Bankers were conservative in black -- or brown or blue or gray.
Actors were extravagant in green -- or something distinguée.
You could always recognize
The carriage trade from poolroom guys
But now just look what's happened to the scene!

Lowbrows in high hats and highbrows in no hats.
Oh, what is this world coming to?
Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Zulus in earlaps and crooks in police caps.
The day of discretion is through.

There was a time when you could tell a cowboy
By his ten-gallon lid
But every dude has got a headpiece now, boy,
Just like Billy the Kid.

Now meanies wear beanies and Bing wears an old thing
Like something dragged in by the cat.
That distinguished beaver may be Jolson's Mammy
Or next year's version of Uncle Sammy.
You can't tell a man by his hat!

Escorts and sailors and people in trailers
Are all wearing toppers and spats.
That man in the pink beret may be none other
Than Wallace Beery or Whistler's Mother.
You can't tell a man by his hat!
Can't tell a man, can't tell a man, can't tell a man by the style of his hat!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

Well, let's see. Oh, okay there, bud. Just fold your ballot and slip it into the ballot box there.

WIMPLE:

(WIMPY) You mean this great big box right here, Mr. McGee?

FIBBER:

That's the one.

WIMPLE:

Thank you, sir.

FIBBER:

You, too, madam.

MADAM:

(SQUEAKY) Oh. (GIGGLES) I'm so thrilled, really. This is the first time I ever voted. And I'm such an admirer of the man I voted for, I put some extra "X's" on the bottom of my ballot. (GIGGLES) Kisses, you know! (GIGGLES) ...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

FIBBER:

Well, looks like we're gonna win that prize, Molly. Three more people come in to vote and we can close the books.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

BOOMER:

(W. C. FIELDS SOUNDALIKE) Ah, there. Good day, my dear. Good day to you, fig face. ... Give me a ballot, please.

FIBBER:

Okay. Here you are, Boomer.

MOLLY:

And be careful how you mark it.

FIBBER:

Yeah.

BOOMER:

Certainly will, my dear. Can't betray the confidence of the people who bought my vote. ... Now, let's see. Where'd I put those instructions? (GOES THROUGH POCKETS) Instructions, instructions. Had them here just a moment ago. Here's a deck of marked cards. Gonna play a little rummy tonight. If he shows up. ... Letter from my dear old father from Vinegar, South Dakota. Says he takes his morning constitutional by walking fifty times around the jail. Yes, yes. 'Round and 'round the Vinegar jug pop goes. The weasel. ... Oh, yes, a couple of badly made counterfeit silver dollars. Caused me great deal of embarrassment. Got a letter from the government telling me I'd have to get the lead out. ... And a check for a short beer. (LOUD) Well, well, imagine that! No instructions! ...

MOLLY:

Well, you'll just have to mark your ballot without them, Mr. Boomer. Right in the other room there.

BOOMER:

Thank you, my dear, thank you. Hope there's no objection to my voting twice in each square. Never could resist a chance for a double cross. ...

SOUND:

DOOR SLAM ... APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

That guy's been on so many police blotters he writes his name backward.

MOLLY:

Well, I'm glad he came in to vote anyway. Only two more and we've won two hundred and fifty dollars.

FIBBER:

(PLEASED) Only two more, Molly. Gee.

MOLLY:

Ah, I'll bet we're the only precinct in the United States that voted a hundred percent.

FIBBER:

I lived in one once that voted four hundred and twenty-five percent. ... It was a wet neighborhood and we had a bunch of floaters. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

GILDERSLEEVE:

Hello there, McGee. Hello, Mrs. McGee.

MOLLY:

Hello, Mr. Gildersleeve. Come right in.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yes.

FIBBER:

Oh. Hi, Gildersleeve. Glad to see ya. What'd you come in here for?

GILDERSLEEVE:

To vote.

MOLLY:

Fine. Here's a ballot.

FIBBER:

Here's a pencil.

MOLLY:

Just take it in the next room.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Now, wait a minute! Don't rush me. ...

FIBBER:

Well, shucks, Gildy, you gotta vote.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Who says I gotta vote? I'm an American citizen, McGee.

FIBBER:

Ah?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Nobody can make me vote.

FIBBER:

Well then, what'd'ja come in here for?

GILDERSLEEVE:

To vote!

FIBBER:

Good.

MOLLY:

Here's a ballot.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Oh, no, you don't! You can't rush me into this! ...

FIBBER:

(WITH DISGUST) Rush you into this. Now look, Gildy. As one American to another, I appeal to your patriotism. I appeal to your--

GILDERSLEEVE:

Don't you wave the flag at me either, McGee. My forefathers were in this country long before yours.

FIBBER:

Oh, is that so?

GILDERSLEEVE:

Yes, it is. My mother had twelve sisters in the D.A.R.

FIBBER:

Well, I knew you had aunts, Gildersleeve, but I didn't know what they were in. ...

GILDERSLEEVE:

(UNLEASHING HIS CATCHPHRASE) You're a hard man, McGee. ... Just for that, I won't vote!

FIBBER:

(GROANS) Ohhhh.

MOLLY:

(GROANS) Oh dear, oh dear. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Gildersleeve; not voting.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(CHASTENED) Well--

MOLLY:

Why, your wife was the first one in when we opened up this morning.

FIBBER:

Yeah.

GILDERSLEEVE:

What? She was?!

MOLLY:

Yes.

FIBBER:

You bet she was.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Why, she's voting for a different candidate than I am!

FIBBER:

Huh?

GILDERSLEEVE:

She can't do this to me! Gimme a ballot!

FIBBER:

Here.

GILDERSLEEVE:

Gimme a pencil.

MOLLY:

Here.

GILDERSLEEVE:

(MUSES, TO HIMSELF) Uh, President of the-- "X". "X - x - x - x." Congressman, "X". Judge, Municipal, "X - x - x."

MOLLY:

Here, here, here! Take it in the other room and mark it.

GILDERSLEEVE:

It's all marked and in the box! I'll show Madam Gildersleeve. (DIRTY LAUGH) ... Well, many happy returns, folks. (DIRTY LAUGH)

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

(AMUSED CONTEMPT) "Many happy returns." Of all the corny--

MOLLY:

Oh, heavenly days, McGee. Look!

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

Look what time it is. We have to close the polls in exactly two minutes.

FIBBER:

Aw, but we can't. There's still one voter that ain't come in!

MOLLY:

Nevertheless, we have to close. We've got to keep it legal, you know.

FIBBER:

But he can't do that to us! He's cheatin' us out of two hundred and fifty bucks. Oh, come on, bud! Whoever you are! Dad rat the dad ratted luck. If he don't show up within two minutes we're--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

MOLLY:

(RELIEVED) Oh.

BOTH:

Saved.

OFFICIAL:

(HEAVY IRISH ACCENT) Good evenin' to the both of ye!

MOLLY:

And a very good evening to you, sir! (LOW) Hurry, McGee.

FIBBER:

Here you are, bud. We'll just skip the questions. You only got a minute to make out your ballot.

OFFICIAL:

Me what?!

MOLLY:

Your ballot! Don't stand there and argue; hurry up! The voting booth is in the other room. We'll check your registration afterwards.

OFFICIAL:

I'm not here for votin', macushla.

FIBBER:

Huh?

OFFICIAL:

I'm from the City Hall. Come to take your ballot box.

MOLLY:

Oh, dear.

OFFICIAL:

(LIFTS BOX WITH EFFORT) The polls are closed! Good night to ye!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MOLLY:

Well. I didn't want a new green automobile with red upholstery and the top goes up and down when you press the button anyway. Oh, McGee, darlin', don't take it to heart so.

FIBBER:

(DEVASTATED) I - I can't help it, Molly.

MOLLY:

Oh, now, now, just because some stupid, shortsighted, irresponsible,
un-American rapscallion forgot to vote--

FIBBER:

Please, Molly, don't talk like that. He ain't really a bad guy.

MOLLY:

What? You know who it was?

FIBBER:

Yes.

MOLLY:

Who?

FIBBER:

(BEAT) Me. ...

MUSIC:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

QUICK CURTAIN

HARLOW:

You know, there are a lot of us who have a small talent for one thing or another -- painting or music or even amateur theatricals. We might occasionally do something that seems brilliant, but the next effort might be very ordinary. And that marks the main difference between talent and genius. For, with the artist who has genius, every effort is brilliant and surefire. It's that way in business, too. Some products are here today, gone tomorrow, whereas others are so consistent in quality and service that they become accepted as household standards. The many products of S. C. Johnson and Son, Incorporated, makers of Johnson's Wax, are surely in this category. For more than fifty years, they have been giving unfailing satisfaction. When you think of polishes, think of genuine Johnson's Wax in the familiar paste or liquid form for floors, and the new cream wax for furniture, or Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat for linoleum, Johnson's Shine-Up Silver
Polish and Johnson's Car-Nu for your car.

MUSIC:

QUICK TRANSITION

MOLLY:

Let's go to the bijou theater, McGee.

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

They're giving election returns during the show.

FIBBER:

Oh, just like us, huh?

MOLLY:

Exactly. That's why I wanted to go.

FIBBER:

What you mean? What's there?

MOLLY:

Election returns and "No Time for Comedy."

FIBBER:

Oh.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES, WHEN NO ONE LAUGHS AT REFERENCE TO 1940 FILM TITLE)

FIBBER:

Good night.

MOLLY:

Good night, all.

MUSIC:

FOR A FINISH ... THEN UNDER--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

HARLOW:

This is Harlow Wilcox, speaking for the makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat, inviting you to be with us again next Tuesday night. Good night.

MUSIC:

ABRUPTLY CUT OFF

2ND ANNCR:

Attention car owners! What product does two things at once? It's Johnson's Car-Nu, the sensational new auto polish that both cleans and wax polishes your car in one easy operation. It used to take hard work and cost real money to do those two jobs, but, with Car-Nu, you can do them in half the time. Car-Nu is a liquid that dries to a white powder. Wipe this powder off and you'll say, with car owners everywhere, your car looks like new when you use Car-Nu. Buy a can tomorrow. Get your car ready for winter. This is the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES