ANNOUNCER:
And now, for your enjoyment, ladies and gentlemen, here are (Sam Gordon) and (Deb Krepps) as the Bickersons in "The Honeymoon is Over."
SFX:
ALARM CLOCK
JOHN:
(Startled, just coming to) What's the matter? All right. All right. Blanche! Blanche!
SFX:
KNOCKS IT OFF THE TABLE
BLANCHE:
(off) I'm putting a ribbon in my hair.
JOHN:
Where are you going?
BLANCHE:
I'm not going anywhere. I just thought I'd like to look nice this morning.
JOHN:
Why?
BLANCHE:
I knew you'd forget. You don't even know what day this is.
JOHN:
I do too. It's rent day.
BLANCHE:
It is not. Today happens to be our wedding anniversary.
JOHN:
Well, I knew it was a sad occasion of some kind.
BLANCHE:
What kind of a remark is that? That supposed to be funny?
JOHN:
No it isn't supposed to be funny, Blanche. I'm just groggy, that's all. I'm sorry.
BLANCHE:
I knew you'd forget it.
JOHN:
I didn't forget it.
BLANCHE:
So why didn't you say something?
JOHN:
Blanche, I just opened my eyes.
BLANCHE:
You forgot it.
JOHN:
I tell you I didn't forget it. But even if I did you'd remind me of it. Happy Anniversary.
BLANCHE:
Happy Anniversary. Is that all? No plans? We've been married eight years. Don't you want to do something?
JOHN:
No. It's too late to do anything.
BLANCHE:
It's sad about you. How you suffer. I didn't get such a bargain, you know.
JOHN:
Okay, okay.
BLANCHE:
There's better fish in the ocean than the one I caught.
JOHN:
There's better bait, too.
BLANCHE:
I'm serious.
JOHN:
Okay, I'm sorry. You hack away at me in the morning and I'm so exhausted I don't know what I'm saying.
BLANCHE:
You wouldn't be so exhausted if you went to bed at a reasonable hour.
JOHN:
I had to work overtime. Pour me some coffee.
BLANCHE:
Get paid?
JOHN:
I'll get paid.
BLANCHE:
What time did you get home?
JOHN:
12:30.
BLANCHE:
If you got home at 12:30, why were you so long getting into bed? I know for a fact you didn't come to bed till almost two.
JOHN:
I was in the kitchen putting the stuff away.
BLANCHE:
What stuff?
JOHN:
What's the matter, Blanche? You told me to bring stuff home for the party tonight. You invited a lot of your crumb friends and you told me to bring stuff. So I brought stuff.
BLANCHE:
Did you bring the potatoes for the potato salad?
JOHN:
I brought potatoes.
BLANCHE:
Did you pare them?
JOHN:
I pared them.
BLANCHE:
All of them?
JOHN:
All except one. He had a big knob on top and I couldn't find a mate for him.
BLANCHE:
I meant...
JOHN:
I know what you meant, Blanche. I even boiled them last night. Where are my pants? Who stole my pants?
BLANCHE:
Nobody stole your pants.
JOHN:
I just looked in the wastebasket and they're not there. My shoes are missing from the sink.
BLANCHE:
Don't be silly, John. Your pants are on a hanger in the closet and your shoes are in the shoe rack.
JOHN:
How'd they get there?
BLANCHE:
I put them there.
JOHN:
Well I wish you'd quit throwing my things around like that. Gotta get 'em or I'll be late.
Blanche:
You won't be late. Here are your pants.
JOHN:
Thanks. Blanche, these aren't my pants.
BLANCHE:
They're not? Then whose pants are they?
JOHN:
That's a good question, only I should be asking it.
BLANCHE:
Don't be so snide. They were baggy, so I pressed them.
JOHN:
Baggy.
BLANCHE:
Took me an hour to find the right crease. Be careful you don't wrinkle them now.
JOHN:
What's the difference? I like my pants to look lived in.
BLANCHE:
You're dragging the tops on the floor. Hold your trouser leg with your left hand then step in with your right foot...
JOHN:
Blanche! I've been putting on my own pants for over forty years and I don't need you to be the foreman of it! Hand me my tie.
BLANCHE:
Which one?
JOHN:
It doesn't matter, I want to use it for a belt. My suspenders are broken.
BLANCHE:
Why don't you wear your belt?
JOHN:
I'm using it to keep the soles from falling off my shoes.
BLANCHE:
John Bickerson, you know you're just...
BLANCHE: I didn't hide it anywhere.
JOHN:
Well where is it?
BLANCHE:
I draped it around the canary's cage so he could sleep.
JOHN:
Is my shirt the only rag you could find to cover that bird's cage with?
BLANCHE:
Hasn't hurt anything, has it?
BLANCHE: The canary is sensitive to light.
JOHN:
Well, get him a pair of sunglasses. Leave my shirt alone. No bird's gonna sleep later than I do.
SFX:
BIRD SINGING.
JOHN:
Ah, shut up!
BLANCHE:
John, why must you be so mean on our anniversary?
JOHN:
Blanche, I'm not mean, I'm worried. Business is bad. My job is hanging by a thread.
BLANCHE:
You never should have quit your other job.
JOHN:
You made me quit. You said it wasn't dignified selling bowling balls. You were embarrassed to answer when people asked you what your husband sold.
BLANCHE:
Well, it sounded like it was trying to start a fight.
JOHN:
That's no problem for you. I gotta go.
BLANCHE:
Here. And don't forget your samples.
JOHN:
I won't forget it. This darned vacuum cleaner gets heavier every day. Straighten this hose around my neck, will you, Blanche?
BLANCHE:
There, there. Now got everything?
JOHN:
I think so. No, wait a minute. You got any money?
BLANCHE:
Well, there's fifty cents in the sugar bowl.
JOHN:
Fifty cents!
BLANCHE:
You can bring me the change when you come home.
JOHN:
Now listen, Blanche,something's gotta be done about this. I can't go down to work like a pauper every day. A man's gotta have a couple of dollars in his pocket.
BLANCHE:
Now don't yell at me.
JOHN:
I don't mind going with torn clothes and holes in my socks but I'm not gonna suffer through those lunches anymore.
BLANCHE:
What's the matter with your lunches?
JOHN:
You oughta know. You pack 'em for me. I'm just getting sick of carrying my lunch to work in a paper sack. Why can't I go to the restaurant like the other fellas?
BLANCHE:
John, what are you talking about? I haven't fixed your lunch for two years!
JOHN:
Oh, Blanche, every morning of my life I find my lunch wrapped in brown paper on the side of the sink.
BLANCHE:
John, that's the garbage!
JOHN:
Goodbye, Blanche.
BLANCHE:
Goodbye, dear. Happy Anniversary.