KATHY:

Mother? Is Maxwell House really the only coffee in the world?

MARGARET:

Well, your father says so, and your Father Knows Best!

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO FOR PUNCTUATION, THEN THEME (IRVING BERLIN'S "LET'S HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE") ... CONTINUES IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's "Father Knows Best," transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as Father; a half-hour visit with your neighbors, the Andersons, brought to you by America's favorite coffee, Maxwell House -- the coffee that's always good to the last drop!

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FOR AN INTRO, THEN "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME" IN BG, GENTLY OUT AT [X]

ANNOUNCER:

Now is the time of year when a strange malady falls upon the land, affecting people from every walk of life -- butchers and bakers and candlestick-makers; rookies and bookies and Senator Kefauver. It's an affliction that kills off thousands of grandmothers and brings a peculiar gleam to millions of eyes. It's known as "baseball fever," and nowhere is it more prominent than in a certain white frame house on Maple Street in the fair city of Springfield. [X] Like this--

BIZ:

BUD & JIM ARGUE AS MARGARET TRIES TO GET THEIR ATTENTION

BUD:

Well, sure, but they had the tying run on third, didn't they?

JIM:

The situation called for a squeeze play and you know it!

MARGARET:

Jim, your eggs are getting ice cold.

JIM:

One out and a man on third and he lets the batter hit away!

BUD:

But Kelleher hits a long ball, Dad; if he hit a home run, we'd've won the game.

MARGARET:

Bud, if you're not interested in breakfast--

JIM:

But he didn't hit a home run! He popped up!

BUD:

Well, sure, but he could've hit a home run.

MARGARET:

The paper says it might snow.

JIM:

If I'd been running the team, I'd've squeezed the man in.

BUD:

Maybe Kelleher doesn't know how to bunt.

MARGARET:

Three people in Miami were lost in a blizzard.

JIM:

Anybody who doesn't know how to bunt has no right playing in Triple-A ball.

BUD:

I didn't say he didn't; I said, maybe he didn't.

MARGARET:

Sixty-four people were killed in a telephone booth. ...

JIM:

Bud, if he played it safe, he couldn't have missed!

MARGARET:

Somebody dropped an atom bomb when they weren't looking.

JIM:

(TO MARGARET) That's fine, honey. (TO BUD) Bud, the basic principle of the squeeze play makes it almost foolproof. All they had to do was-- (REALIZES, TO MARGARET) What? ...

MARGARET:

(INNOCENTLY) Something wrong, dear?

JIM:

What did you just say?

MARGARET:

(PLAYS DUMB) I don't know, dear; I wasn't listening.

BUD:

(HELPFUL) Sixty-four people were killed.

MARGARET:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh, that.

JIM:

Where did you see anything about sixty-four people being killed?!

MARGARET:

Well! You know, I may go down in history as the first person to find a practical use for the atom bomb.

JIM:

What are you talking about?

MARGARET:

(WRY) It's probably the only thing known to science that will stop a conversation about baseball.

JIM:

(STILL CONFUSED) Sixty-four people in a telephone booth?

MARGARET:

Well, they were good friends. ...

BETTY:

(ENTERS, CHEERFUL) Good morning, everybody!

JIM:

Good morning, Betty.

BUD:

Hi.

BETTY:

(SOURLY, TO MARGARET) How's the baseball capital of the world?

MARGARET:

We have just relived last night's game between Springfield and Columbus.

JIM:

Margaret--

MARGARET:

Pitch for pitch.

BUD:

Holy cow, Mom; we were just talking.

BETTY:

(DISGUSTED) Baseball. I got all dressed up last night and where did Roger take me? To the ball game!

BUD:

Hey, did you see the game last night?

BETTY:

(NOT EXACTLY) Well, I was there. ...

JIM:

Betty, in the ninth inning, when Sauer was on third--

MARGARET:

Jim, let's not go into that again, please!

JIM:

But, honey, if she was there--

BETTY:

I don't even know where third is.

JIM:

Oh, fine! ...

BETTY:

And, furthermore, I don't care.

MARGARET:

Drink your orange juice, dear.

JIM:

Betty, how could anyone possibly be in this family as long as you have and know as little about baseball?

BETTY:

It isn't easy. ... But I'll keep trying.

KATHY:

(ENTERS, CHEERFUL) Morning, everybody!

BIZ:

AD LIB "GOOD MORNING" FROM ALL

JIM:

Kathy's only nine and she knows more about baseball in ten minutes than you do in a year.

BETTY:

(IRONIC) Hurrah for her.

KATHY:

Bud, Joe Philips was here last night--

JIM:

Just a second, kitten. Tell your sister where third base is.

KATHY:

Third base?

JIM:

That's right.

KATHY:

(WORRIED) I didn't take it! ...

JIM:

Kathy, when you play baseball, where is third base?

KATHY:

Oh! It's the rock next to the Hathaways' fence. ...

JIM:

(BEAT, DISCOURAGED) Margaret, may I have my coffee?

MARGARET:

Of course, dear.

KATHY:

(PUZZLED) Did somebody move it?

JIM:

Kathy, let's talk about something else.

MARGARET:

Well, that's the nicest thing I've heard around here for the past month.

BETTY:

Father, they're having a sale at Gorman's and I saw the most wonderful--

JIM:

Betty--

BETTY:

Yes, Father?

JIM:

We're not going to talk about dresses.

BETTY:

I wasn't talking about a dress, Father.

JIM:

Oh. Well, that's more like it.

BETTY:

This was the most beautiful suit you ever saw! ... And it was reduced from eighty-nine fifty to--

JIM:

Betty--

BETTY:

Yes, Father?

JIM:

(DEEP THROATED) Noooooo.

BETTY:

(DISCOURAGED) Jumpin' creepers.

JIM:

Anybody else have any ideas about a topic of general interest? (NO ANSWER) Wall Street? The foreign situation?

BUD:

(HOPEFUL) Gasoline scooters?

JIM:

Not gasoline scooters.

BUD:

(DISCOURAGED) That's what I thought.

KATHY:

How about Joe Philips?

JIM:

Well, that's a nice, lively subject. What about him?

KATHY:

He was here last night.

JIM:

Fine. Anybody have anything brilliant to say about the weather?

KATHY:

Did I tell you about the envelope?

JIM:

What envelope?

KATHY:

The one Joe Philips left.

JIM:

This is going by way of Sioux City, Iowa. ... All right, Kathy, what about the envelope?

KATHY:

It's on the desk in the den, and Joe said to be sure not to lose it because it has the tickets.

JIM:

What tickets?

KATHY:

The baseball tickets that Bud won in the raffle.

BUD:

(PLEASED) Heyyyyy!

JIM:

(SURPRISED) Bud?

BETTY:

(DISGUSTED) Baseball again!

BUD:

But I won!

SFX:

BREAKFAST TABLE SHAKEN

MARGARET:

Bud, you're getting the whole table--

BUD:

I won the tickets, Dad! They picked my name! I won!

JIM:

Bud, will you please calm down? There's no need to--

SFX:

DOORBELL RINGS

JIM:

Kathy, see who's at the door.

KATHY:

It was Bud's door!

BUD:

I won!

JIM:

Never mind whose door it was; please see who it is.

KATHY:

(MOVING OFF) Gee whiz! Just 'cause I'm the littlest one in the family, I'm not supposed to have any feelings.

JIM:

Bud, what's this all about?

BUD:

I won the tickets!

SFX:

BREAKFAST TABLE SHAKEN ... PITCHER OF CREAM UPSET ... BETTY CLEANS UP DURING FOLLOWING--

MARGARET:

Oh, dear. He spilled the cream all over the table.

BETTY:

I'll fix it, Mother.

JIM:

You won what tickets?

BUD:

For the doubleheader tomorrow. We all chipped in a quarter apiece and I won! I got two tickets for a quarter!

JIM:

Bud, don't you realize that that amounts to gambling?

BUD:

But--

JIM:

And you know how we feel about gambling.

BUD:

It wasn't gambling, Dad. The boys' club got the money that was left over.

JIM:

Oh. How much was that?

BUD:

Thirty-five cents. ...

JIM:

Give the tickets back.

BUD:

But, Dad, they're playing Columbus!

JIM:

I wouldn't care if they were playing the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

BUD:

Oh, gosh, Dad. I thought you'd be happy I could treat ya to the game.

JIM:

When a bunch of boys-- (REALIZES) What? ...

BUD:

Well, we couldn't afford to treat our fathers any other way, so that's the way we did it.

MARGARET:

You're father's absolutely right, Bud. You and the other boys--

JIM:

Just a minute, Margaret. ... Let's look at this thing in a practical way. ...

MARGARET:

Why, Jim--

JIM:

As long as the boys had an unselfish motive--

MARGARET:

Jim Anderson!

JIM:

And, after all, the boys' club is making thirty-five cents.

BETTY:

Bud, the next time you spill the cream, you can just clean it up yourself.

MARGARET:

All right, Betty, that's good enough.

JIM:

Gonna play Columbus, huh?

BUD:

They're in first place, too. But if we win both games--

KATHY:

(ENTERS, EXCITED) Daddy!

JIM:

Just a minute, Bud. What is it, Kathy?

KATHY:

It was a telegram! (VERY PROUD) And I had to sign for it!

JIM:

Fine. Now you can sit down and rest a while. ...

MARGARET:

Who's it from, Jim?

JIM:

(SARCASTIC) Suppose I open it and see.

MARGARET:

(MATCHING HIM) I think that's a very good idea.

SFX:

TELEGRAM SLIT OPEN AND UNFOLDED

KATHY:

I signed it Kathleen Joy Anderson and I had to write it very small!

JIM:

(HORRIFIED CRY) No!

MARGARET:

(WORRIED) Jim--?

JIM:

Why does she have to pick on us?!

MARGARET:

It isn't Aunt Martha?

BUD:

Not again!

JIM:

She'll be here in the morning!

BETTY:

Oh, noooooo.

KATHY:

Oh, boy!

BETTY:

What are you so happy about?

KATHY:

She always gives me a dollar!

BUD:

(HOPEFUL) Maybe she won't come, huh, Dad? Like last time?

JIM:

(RESIGNED) She'll be here. At ten-seventeen tomorrow.

MARGARET:

Oh, dear.

JIM:

Why does she have to come at all? She's only going to stay one day!

MARGARET:

How do you know?

JIM:

It says so. Here. See?

SFX:

RATTLE OF TELEGRAM

MARGARET:

(READS) "Arrive ten-seventeen train Sunday. Staying one day. Meet me."

JIM:

Tight-fisted old character! It'd kill her to use more than ten words.

MARGARET:

(CHIDING) Jim--

JIM:

Well, she's my aunt, and if I want to say she's tight-fisted, I'm going to say it. (BEAT) She's tight-fisted! ...

BUD:

You said it!

JIM:

Bud, will you please show a little more respect for your elders? ...

BUD:

But you just said--

JIM:

Never mind what I just said. She's old enough to be your grandmother. You owe her a certain amount of respect.

BUD:

(SHEEPISH) Yes, sir.

JIM:

The old battle-ax! ...

MARGARET:

Well, that takes care of your ball game tomorrow.

JIM:

Why?

MARGARET:

Jim, you're not going to run off to a ball game and leave her here.

JIM:

Why not?

MARGARET:

Jim Anderson, I will not entertain your Aunt Martha and her friends alone.

JIM:

What friends? Who said anything about any friends?

MARGARET:

Aunt Martha hasn't been in Springfield for over a year and I'm sure she expects to see all of her old cronies.

JIM:

Well, let her go see them. Who's stopping her?

MARGARET:

We'll have to have them here.

BUD:

(UNHAPPY) Holy cow!

JIM:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, Margaret!

MARGARET:

We'll have to serve tea, and get some little cakes and things.

JIM:

Honey--

MARGARET:

Jim, I haven't time to argue about it. I've got to call Mrs. Thornby and Mrs. Winters--

BETTY:

You mean rich Mrs. Winters with the iron fence?

MARGARET:

Yes, dear.

KATHY:

She gave me a dollar once.

MARGARET:

And I know she'll expect to see Mrs. Horace and Mr. Forrester--

BETTY:

You mean rich Mr. Forrester with the electric runabout?

KATHY:

He gave me a dollar, too.

MARGARET:

(CHIDES) Kathy--

BETTY:

But they're the most prominent people in town.

JIM:

They're a bunch of old fuddy-duddies!

MARGARET:

Jim, that's no way to refer to the aristocracy of Springfield.

JIM:

Aristocracy, my foot! Just because they've got a lot of money--

BETTY:

Oh, Mother! This is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened! We can get our names in the society column!

JIM:

Isn't that awful? Margaret, just because my Aunt Martha's husband cornered the market in buggy whips--! ...

MARGARET:

Jim, please stop interrupting.

JIM:

He was the biggest crook in the whole buggy whip business; that's what he was. And if you think--

MARGARET:

Amanda Wilson, we'll have to call her.

BETTY:

(THRILLED) Amanda Wilson!

JIM:

Margaret, if you'll only listen to me--

BETTY:

(EXCITED) You mean the Amanda Wilson, with the Rolls-Royce and the chauffeur and the butler and the cook and the--?!

JIM:

Betty! Stop drooling and sit down. ...

BETTY:

But, Father--!

JIM:

Bud and I have tickets for the ball game tomorrow and I don't care if my Aunt Martha shows up with the caretaker of Fort Knox--

MARGARET:

You are not going to leave this house tomorrow afternoon, Jim, and you might as well-- Betty! Where are you going?

BETTY:

(OFF) I have to call the Society Editor and arrange for pictures!

JIM:

Margaret, for the love of Pete--!

BUD:

And it's a doubleheader, too!

MARGARET:

There'll be lots of other ball games. And, Kathy, you haven't finished your breakfast.

KATHY:

I haven't got time, Mommy. I have to go to the store!

MARGARET:

What for?

KATHY:

I have to buy a new piggy bank! ...

MUSIC:

FOR A CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

(JOVIAL) Will Father go to the ball game with Bud, or stay home and help entertain Aunt Martha? Right now, it looks like Mother will have the last word on that.

(SERIOUS) But more often than not, ladies, you look to the man of the house for the final say-so. For example, the final judge of coffee at its best is your husband -- for he's the world's greatest coffee expert. We're known as experts, too, because more families buy Maxwell House Coffee than any other brand. But when your husband sits down to enjoy coffee you brewed, why, he's the only expert you want to hear from. And tomorrow, you've only to pour him a tempting, delicious cup of Maxwell House to see him glow with pleasure and say--

HUSBAND:

Gee, that's good coffee!

ANNOUNCER:

You bet he'll say that! Fact is, we'll return your money if he doesn't say so. You see, only Maxwell House has that grand, good-to-the-last-drop flavor, thanks to a recipe that belongs to Maxwell House alone! It's a recipe that demands choice, rich coffees -- blended and roasted just so. That's the reason no other coffee tastes like Maxwell House; no other coffee's made like Maxwell House.

So serve our Maxwell House to your husband. If he doesn't smile and say, "Best coffee ever," well, just send us the can and unused portion, and we'll refund your purchase price. Our address is right on every familiar blue tin. Yes, tomorrow, fill the cup of the world's greatest coffee expert -- your husband -- with the truly satisfying flavor of Maxwell House Coffee -- always good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

FOR A CHEERFUL INTRO ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

It's Sunday in Springfield and the noonday sun is shining and bright and warm. There's a feeling of joy and exhilaration in the air -- the spirit of gaiety and good cheer. Everywhere, that is, but at Six-Oh-Seven Maple Street. There, they've got--

MUSIC:

AN UNCHEERFUL ACCENT ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Aunt Martha.

MUSIC:

ANOTHER ACCENT ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Like this--

MARTHA:

I tell you, there is a draught, Margaret. I can feel it going right through my bones.

MARGARET:

All right, Bud. Close the window again.

BUD:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, ma'am.

SFX:

WINDOW CLOSED

MARTHA:

Miserable city, Springfield -- always has been and always will be.

JIM:

(HELPFUL) You know, Aunt Martha, there's a train leaving at one o'clock.

MARGARET:

(ADMONISHES) Jim--! ...

JIM:

Well, I just want Aunt Martha to be happy and if she doesn't like it in Springfield--

MARGARET:

(CHANGES SUBJECT) Don't you think the children have grown, Aunt Martha?

MARTHA:

What did you expect them to do? Get smaller? ...

MARGARET:

No, but I was--

MARTHA:

Children have been growing for thousands of years, but parents act like they ought to be given a medal.

JIM:

(BEAT, TO MARGARET) Did you say something, dear?

MARGARET:

No, I was just thinking.

MARTHA:

(AN ORDER) Jim! Stand up!

JIM:

What?

MARTHA:

I said, stand up.

JIM:

Now, look, Aunt Martha, I'm not a child, and if you think--

MARGARET:

(CHIDES) Jim--

JIM:

(LOW, RELUCTANT) All right. (RISES, TO MARTHA) I'm up. Now what?

MARTHA:

Dis-_gust_ing!

JIM:

What is?

MARTHA:

The way you've put on weight.

JIM:

I've done no such thing. I can wear the same clothes I was wearing fifteen years ago! As a matter of fact, I am. ...

MARTHA:

You've got a corporation.

JIM:

I've not got a corporation!

MARTHA:

Jim, stop arguing with me. If there's one thing I detest-- Margaret, this room is stifling.

MARGARET:

Yes, Aunt Martha.

MARTHA:

Stuffiest room I've ever been in in all my life.

MARGARET:

All right, Bud.

BUD:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, ma'am.

SFX:

WINDOW OPENED

MARTHA:

That's the trouble with modern houses. One minute they're cold, the next minute they're hotter than the hinges of-- Weeeellllll! Little Kathleen!

KATHY:

(ENTERS, ENTHUSIASTICALLY OBSEQUIOUS) Is this the bag you wanted, Aunt Martha?

MARTHA:

Thank you, child. You're very sweet.

KATHY:

You're welcome, Aunt Martha.

MARTHA:

Only one in the entire family with an ounce of brains. Can't for the life of me figure out-- (CLEARS THROAT) Bud?

BUD:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, ma'am.

SFX:

WINDOW CLOSED

BETTY:

(ENTERS, EXCITED) Mother! I just talked to Miss Pritchard at the newspaper office and it's all arranged!

MARGARET:

(UNCARING) That's fine, dear.

BETTY:

She's going to send Mrs. Lathem over as soon as she finds her. Isn't it marvelous?!

MARTHA:

Betty, I wish you would stop bouncing.

BETTY:

Yes, Aunt Martha.

MARTHA:

It's enough to make a person seasick. ...

BETTY:

They might even take pictures!

KATHY:

Would you like to hear my piece now, Aunt Martha?

MARGARET:

Not right now, Kathy.

KATHY:

But Aunt Martha said she was going to give me a dollar as soon as I--

JIM:

Your mother said not now, Kathy.

KATHY:

(DISAPPOINTED) Gee whiz.

JIM:

Bud?

BUD:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, ma'am.

SFX:

WINDOW OPENED ...

MARTHA:

What are you doing with that window?

BUD:

I thought somebody said, "Bud?"

MARTHA:

Close the window and leave it alone!

BUD:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, ma'am.

SFX:

WINDOW CLOSED

JIM:

Bud, er, may I speak to you in the den, please?

MARGARET:

(SUSPICIOUS) Jim, you're not going to try anything?

JIM:

(INDIGNANT) I would like to speak privately to my son about - something I just happened to remember. Do you mind?

MARGARET:

No, but just be careful.

JIM:

Yes, Margaret. All right, Bud.

BUD:

Who's gonna open and close the window? ...

BETTY:

I'll take care of it.

BUD:

Okay.

JIM:

Come on, Bud.

BUD:

Yes, sir.

KATHY:

Now would you like to hear my piece, Aunt Martha?

MARGARET:

Why don't you wait until later, Kathy?

MARTHA:

(REASSURING) There'll be lots of time, Kathleen, lots of time.

SFX:

DEN DOOR SHUTS

BUD:

Boy, am I getting a workout with that window.

JIM:

Bud, when does the first game start?

BUD:

One-thirty.

JIM:

All right. Are we going to take this lying down or are we going to fight?

BUD:

I don't know.

JIM:

We're going to fight! We're going to show Aunt Martha that she can't push us around!

BUD:

Atta boy!

JIM:

And do you know how we're going to do it?!

BUD:

How?

JIM:

(BEAT) I don't know. ...

BUD:

Why don't we just - go to the ball game?

JIM:

Bud, your mother and I have been happily married for eighteen years and, if you don't mind, I'd like to keep it that way.

BUD:

Okay.

JIM:

It's going to take-- (GETS AN IDEA) An emergency. What if there were an emergency?

BUD:

What kind of an emergency?

JIM:

The worst kind! Hector Smith is in trouble and we've got to help him.

BUD:

How do you know?

JIM:

He's going to call.

BUD:

He is?

JIM:

Well, he won't really call, but-- Bud, I don't want you to get the idea that this is a usual thing with me.

BUD:

(WITH A CHUCKLE) Oh, I don't, Dad.

JIM:

This is an extreme sort of emergency.

BUD:

I know.

JIM:

I mean, ours is.

BUD:

It sure is.

JIM:

And it requires extreme measures to counteract it.

BUD:

You bet.

JIM:

(BEAT) Do you understand what I've just said?

BUD:

Sure. We're gonna pull a fast one on Mom. ...

JIM:

Well, I suppose you could put it that way.

BUD:

What are we gonna do?

JIM:

That's a very good question. Now all we need is a very good answer. Let's see. If you were to go next door and use the Davises' telephone--

BUD:

That's a good idea.

JIM:

No. If you weren't around, your mother'd get suspicious.

BUD:

What's the difference? She's suspicious now. ...

JIM:

True. But in planning a campaign of so delicate a nature--

KATHY:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Daddy?!

JIM:

(TO BUD) Kathy! That's the answer. Good old Kathy!

BUD:

It is? I mean, she is?

JIM:

She certainly is.

SFX:

DEN DOOR OPENS

KATHY:

Daddy? Mommy says--

JIM:

Just a second, kitten. Come on in. Bud and I want to speak to you. Don't we, Bud?

BUD:

Hmm? Oh. Oh, sure.

KATHY:

(WORRIED) What did I do now?

JIM:

Not a thing, baby. Not a single blessed thing.

SFX:

DEN DOOR SHUTS

KATHY:

Mommy says, "Are you going to stay in here all day?"

JIM:

Kathy, how would you like to do a big favor for Daddy?

KATHY:

What kind of a favor?

JIM:

A very simple one. Call me up on the telephone.

KATHY:

Where are you going?

JIM:

I'm not going anywhere.

KATHY:

Then how can I call you up?

JIM:

Because you're going somewhere.

KATHY:

I can't. I have to recite my piece.

BUD:

Just next door, Kathy, to the Davises'.

KATHY:

(CONFUSED) Next door?

JIM:

To the Davises'.

KATHY:

And you want me to call you on the phone?

JIM:

That's right.

KATHY:

What for?

JIM:

Kathy--

BUD:

(HELPFUL) We want to see if the bell rings.

KATHY:

What bell?

BUD:

The telephone bell.

KATHY:

Ohhh. Well, sure. Why didn't you say so?

BUD:

I just did. ...

JIM:

And, Kathy, we don't want Mommy to worry about the telephone so -- we'll keep this a secret, won't we?

KATHY:

Oh, sure!

SFX:

BACK DOOR OPENS

BUD:

Go out the back way. It's quicker.

KATHY:

Okay. (REALIZES) Say! How will I know if it doesn't ring?

JIM:

Er, we'll tell you when we answer it. ...

KATHY:

Oh, that's right! (MOVING OFF) I'll hurry as fast as I can, Daddy!

JIM:

That's a good girl.

MARGARET:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Jim?!

JIM:

(CALLS) We'll be right in, honey! (LOW) Bud?

BUD:

Yes, Dad?

JIM:

To make it look good, I won't rush to the phone when it rings. You take it and tell me it's Mr. Smith.

BUD:

Okay.

JIM:

And keep your fingers crossed.

BUD:

I've had 'em crossed all day.

MARGARET:

(SUSPICIOUS) What are you two mumbling about?

JIM:

Uh, it's just man-talk, honey. Well, how's everybody getting along in here?

MARTHA:

Jim, you've got to do something about this house! Betty?!

BETTY:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, Aunt Martha.

SFX:

WINDOW CLOSED

MARTHA:

The wind whistles through here like a sieve.

BUD:

Want me to take the window, Betty?

BETTY:

Would you please?

BUD:

Sure, I'll be--

JIM:

(POINTED) Bud?

BUD:

Oh, I forgot. I'm sorry, Betty, I have to answer the telephone. ...

MARGARET:

What?

JIM:

He, uh, means, if it rings, he has to answer it. (POINTED) Don't you, Bud?

BUD:

Oh. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Yeah. (CHUCKLES) That's what I mean. (CHUCKLES) If it rings ... Be kind of silly answering a phone if it didn't ring, wouldn't it? (FORCED PROLONGED UNCONVINCING LAUGHTER)

MARGARET:

(COOL) Jim, I think you and I had better have a little talk.

JIM:

(PLAYS DUMB) About what, honey? Don't forget, Aunt Martha's here and she's our guest. Aren't you, Aunt Martha?

MARTHA:

You made more sense when you were five years old. ...

JIM:

I guess I did at that, didn't I?

MARTHA:

I have never seen a house like this. As soon as the window is closed, the furnace goes crazy. Betty?!

BETTY:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, Aunt Martha.

SFX:

WINDOW OPENED

MARTHA:

Enough to suffocate a body!

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

JIM:

(UNCONVINCING) Well! What do you know?! The phone!

BUD:

Dad, it's Mr. Smith.

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

JIM:

(EXASPERATED) Bud-- ...

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

BUD:

Well, I--

MARGARET:

(DRY) Don't you think you ought to answer it first?

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

BUD:

Oh. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Sure, I'll be glad to.

JIM:

(DISGUSTED) Never mind, I'll get it myself.

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

MARGARET:

Bud, you and I are going to sit down and have a long talk.

BUD:

Yes, ma'am.

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

JIM:

(TO HIMSELF) My son! Leave it to him to get everything all fouled up. (MIMICS BUD) It's Mr. Smith

SFX:

PHONE RECEIVER UP

JIM:

Hello?

KATHY:

(FILTER) Hello, Daddy! This is Kathy!

JIM:

Oh, hello, Sam! How are you?

KATHY:

(FILTER, CONFUSED) Hello? Daddy?

JIM:

No, we were just sitting around - talking.

KATHY:

(FILTER) Daddy? It's Kathy.

JIM:

You are, huh? How did that happen?

KATHY:

(FILTER) How'd what happen?

JIM:

Stuck in the mud, huh?

KATHY:

(FILTER) Daddy--?

JIM:

Outside of Plainville? Well, that's awful!

KATHY:

(FILTER, WORRIED) Daddy? Don't you want to talk to me?

JIM:

Why, it won't be any trouble at all, Sam!

KATHY:

(FILTER, DISTRESSED) Daddy--?

JIM:

Bud and I'll be there in less than an hour!

KATHY:

(FILTER) Daddy--?!

JIM:

Glad to help, Sam!

KATHY:

(FILTER) It isn't Sam!

JIM:

See ya later, Sam!

KATHY:

(FILTER) Daddy--!

SFX:

RECEIVER DOWN

JIM:

This is awful, Margaret. Sam Woody's in a terrible spot.

MARGARET:

(DRY) So I gathered.

JIM:

He's stuck in the mud outside of Plainville and I promised that Bud and I would go help him.

MARGARET:

Well, that's very nice of you, dear.

JIM:

Get your coat, Bud. We haven't any time to lose.

BUD:

Okay, Dad!

JIM:

And make sure we've got a good tow cable in the car.

BUD:

You bet!

MARGARET:

Better take along an extra motor, too, dear.

JIM:

All right. ... What?

MARGARET:

I was talking to Dorothy this morning and she said their motor was being overhauled.

JIM:

(LOW, KNOWS HE'S CAUGHT) Ooh. ... (TO MARGARET) It is, huh?

MARGARET:

Yes. And I really think they should have a motor, don't you, driving around the way they are? ...

JIM:

Well-- It'd help. ...

MARTHA:

Betty?!

BETTY:

(OFF, WEARY) Yes, Aunt Martha.

SFX:

WINDOW CLOSED

JIM:

You know, it's a funny thing, Margaret, but somehow I get the impression that you don't believe me.

MARGARET:

(MOCKING) No!

JIM:

Yes. Your entire attitude is very strange.

MARGARET:

It isn't just my attitude, Jim.

JIM:

I see what you mean.

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

BUD:

Dad--? (REALIZES) Oh! (CHUCKLES) I have to answer it first! ...

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

JIM:

I'll get it, Bud.

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

BUD:

Don't you want me to see who it is?

JIM:

No! I'll see who it is myself!

SFX:

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

JIM:

(LOW, TO HIMSELF) A big help he turned out to be.

SFX:

PHONE RECEIVER UP

JIM:

Hello?

KATHY:

(FILTER) Hello, Daddy! This is Kathy again!

JIM:

Yes?

KATHY:

(FILTER) I forgot to ask you. Did it ring? ...

JIM:

Oh, that's what it was!

KATHY:

(FILTER) What was?

JIM:

Sam, I'm sure glad you called back!

KATHY:

(FILTER, WORRIED) Daddy? It's Kathy.

JIM:

Hold on a second, will you, Sam?

KATHY:

(FILTER, DISTRESSED) But I'm not Sam! ...

JIM:

Margaret, it wasn't Sam Woody. It was Sam Moore!

MARGARET:

Oh, really?

JIM:

Yes, wasn't that silly? (CHUCKLES)

MARGARET:

Probably the silliest thing I've ever heard. Let me have that phone.

JIM:

But, Margaret, if you'll just let me tell you--

MARGARET:

(INSISTS) The phone, please!

JIM:

Honey, this whole thing--

MARGARET:

Hello, Kathy?

KATHY:

(FILTER) Yes, Mommy?

MARGARET:

You may come home now. Daddy's all through playing games. ...

KATHY:

(FILTER) Mommy?

MARGARET:

Yes, dear?

KATHY:

(FILTER) Did the phone ring?

MARGARET:

Yes, angel. It rang beautifully.

KATHY:

(FILTER) That's good. G'bye!

MARGARET:

G'bye, dear.

SFX:

RECEIVER DOWN

JIM:

(BEAT) Margaret, if you'll just listen for a minute.

MARGARET:

Yes?

JIM:

Well, maybe it'll take a little longer than a minute. ... But you see--

MARGARET:

Yes?

JIM:

Uh-- (GIVES UP, CALLS) Bud?

BUD:

You want me, Dad?

JIM:

Yes, there's something I think you ought to, er--

BUD:

It, uh, didn't work, huh, Dad? ...

JIM:

Bud, there's no sense letting those tickets go to waste so-- Why don't you take them over to Mr. Philips? Tell him, uh - we won't be using them.

BUD:

Are ya sure?

MARGARET:

Quite sure, dear.

BUD:

(DISAPPOINTED) Okay. (MOVING OFF) Everything has to happen to me.

MARGARET:

Well, that was quite a performance, wasn't it?

JIM:

We'll talk about it later, huh?

MARGARET:

Oh, you can count on that.

SFX:

FRONT DOOR SHUTS AS BUD EXITS

MARTHA:

Well, if you two are caught up on your gabbing, you can get me my coat.

MARGARET:

But, Aunt Martha, I told you. We're having a tea.

MARTHA:

Well, have it. Jim, don't stand there; get my coat.

JIM:

Aunt Martha, you don't understand. This tea is for you. You don't have to visit your friends. They're all coming here.

MARTHA:

My friends?! Jim Anderson, do you think I came all the way from Columbus to visit those old fogies?

MARGARET:

Aunt Martha?!

MARTHA:

I'm going to the ball game!

JIM:

Oh, no! ...

MUSIC:

"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME" ... FOR A CURTAIN

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO FOR PUNCTUATION, THEN THEME (IRVING BERLIN'S "LET'S HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE") ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Before you decide on the coffee you'll buy this weekend, ask yourself this question. Which coffee will give me the best value, the most for my money in genuinely good flavor? Put it that way and you'll choose the one coffee famous above all others for flavor -- our Maxwell House Coffee! Then serve a heartwarming, fragrant cup of Maxwell House to the world's greatest coffee expert -- your husband! When he beams with delight and says, "Best coffee ever," you'll know it's Maxwell House for flavor. And during the week, just count the many cups of superb coffee you get from that familiar blue Maxwell House tin with the big white cup and drop. You'll have your proof of value, ma'am. Tomorrow then, for more flavor, more real coffee-drinking enjoyment, take home Maxwell House Coffee -- always good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]

ANNOUNCER:

Now it's Monday -- gloomy, gloomy Monday -- and nowhere is it more so than in the Andersons' breakfast nook. [X] Like this--

JIM:

A fine Sunday that turned out to be -- Methuselah and his girlfriends.

SFX:

RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

MARGARET:

Bud, how many times have I told you not to read the newspaper at the table?

BUD:

Oh, I just wanna see the ball scores, Mom. Can't I please--? (STOPS SHORT, ASTONISHED) Holy cow!

JIM:

What's the matter, Bud?

BUD:

Dad! Look at this!

KATHY:

I wanna see, too!

JIM:

(READS) "The irate spectator--" (DISMAYED) Oh, no!

MARGARET:

Jim, what is it?

JIM:

Betty, you wanted our name in the paper? Well, here it is.

BETTY:

On the sport page?

JIM:

That's right. With a picture and everything.

MARGARET:

Jim, you're joking.

JIM:

Oh, sure; big joke. (READS) "The irate spectator who was arrested for beaning an umpire with a pop bottle during yesterday's doubleheader has been identified as Mrs. Martha Randolph who is visiting her niece and nephew Mr. and Mrs. James Anderson of Six-Oh-Seven Maple Street."

MARGARET:

Oh, no! ...

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH

SFX:

APPLAUSE, OUT FOR--

MUSIC:

JAUNTY CALLIOPE ... THEN IN BG

PITCHMAN:

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up today for brand new Krinkles! Candy-kissed rice -- it's twice as nice! Krinkles, the sensational new sugar-coated rice cereal! Yes, sir! The whole family'll have a circus eating Krinkles -- 'cause candy-kissed rice is twice as nice! Just add milk or cream and eat! No sugar needed! Krinkles are the quick-energy treat for snack time, too! Krinkles, the newest Post cereal! Get candy-kissed rice Krinkles today at your grocer! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO, THEN THEME (IRVING BERLIN'S "LET'S HAVE ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE") ... CONTINUES IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Join us again next week when we'll be back with "Father Knows Best," starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson, with Roy Bargy and the Maxwell House Orchestra.

In our cast were Rhoda Williams as Betty, June Whitley, Ted Donaldson, Norma Jean Nilsson, Isabel Randolph and yours truly, Bill Forman. So, until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee -- always good to the last drop.

"Father Knows Best" was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Ed James.

Now stay tuned in for "Dragnet" which follows immediately over most of these stations.

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME UP ... THEN OUT

NBC ANNCR:

Your police force goes into action! It's "Dragnet" -- next on NBC!