ANNCR:

Cathy and Elliott Lewis - On Stage.

MUSIC:

"ON STAGE" THEME. ESTABLISH, AND CONTINUE UNDER

ANNCR:

Cathy Lewis. Elliott Lewis. Two of the most distinguished names in Radio. Opening tonight, in their own theatre. Starring in a repertory of stories of their own, and your, choosing. Radio's foremost players in Radio's foremost plays. Drama, comedy, adventure, mystery, melodrama.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elliott Lewis!

MUSIC:

THEME OUT

ELLIOTT:

Good evening. May I present my wife, Cathy.

CATHY:

Good evening.

ELLIOTT:

Tonight is our opening night, and tonight is the first day of the new year, so we're going to do a comedy for you, to start our new series.

CATHY:

Something like a spray of confetti, to go with the season. A story about a young man and his wife, in 1953. Nice people. Not rich, not poor. Happy with each other. You know, nice.

ELLIOTT:

So, tonight, we present "String Bow Tie", by Morton Fine and David Friedkin. My name in the play is Gerson Hapsmith.

CATHY:

And I'm Laurie Hapsmith.

MUSIC:

GENTLE, WISTFUL VERSION OF THEME, UP, UNDER

ELLIOTT:

And we're married, and we live in New York. The opening scene has to do with Laurie.

SFX:

"SUBWAY CAR INTERIOR" AMBIENCE, UNDER

ELLIOTT:

She's got a seat on the Seventh Avenue subway. It's New Year's Eve afternoon, and she's on her way home from work. At the moment, she's upset because the seated man next to her is working the crossword puzzle, and doesn't know the three-letter word for the web-footed diving bird of the Arctic Sea. Laurie knows.

MUSIC:

OUT

LAURIE:

Auk.

MAN:

Mm?

LAURIE:

Sixteen down. It's "auk". A-U-K. Now extinct. It's very cold in the Arctic. And--

MAN:

Here's the paper. You work it out.

LAURIE:

Yes, thank you! Bye!

MUSIC:

WISTFUL VERSION OF THEME, UNDER

GERSON:

That's Laurie. Easy to get along with. Even on a subway, where people are pretty tough to get along with. To make a point out of it, Laurie, in a way she knows, makes herself smaller, so that very large woman will have ample room on the seat.

MUSIC:

OUT

WOMAN 1:

You crowded, dear?

LAURIE:

(SMILING) No. Not at all. Do you have a pencil?

WOMAN 1:

Oh, sure. Sure, dearie. Wait, I'll find it. Lemme see now...

SFX:

DIGGING IN PURSE

WOMAN 1:

Uh, got it here someplace, in my purse. Ah! Here.

LAURIE:

Thank you. I like to work crossword puzzles on my way home.

WOMAN 1:

Auk.

LAURIE:

Thanks.

WOMAN 1:

They're extinct now, dearie.

LAURIE:

Yes, I know.

WOMAN 1:

(SEES AD) Zowee...

LAURIE:

Which one, honey? Across or down?

WOMAN 1:

Up there. On the advertisement.

LAURIE:

Where?

WOMAN 1:

See? The one between the termite service and the cheese crackers? Zow-eee!

LAURIE:

Oh! You mean the picture of the man in the string bow tie, sitting at the piano?

WOMAN 1:

(READING) "Scherzo. A Man's Cologne to Quicken the Pulse of Women". (LITTLE GASP) Oh! Ya know somethin'?

LAURIE:

(SMILING) What?

WOMAN 1:

I understand perfectly the emotions of those four women seated at his feet. Oh! Look at that man! Er, dearie?

LAURIE:

Uh-huh?

WOMAN 1:

Lemme know when we get to Times Square? Yesterday, I ended up in Bronx Park, just starin' at him. That fella's a real beauty!

LAURIE:

(SMILING) You really think so, huh?

WOMAN 1:

Just me??? Why, all over town, ladies stand around starin', admirin'-- Aw, no wonder. The way he sits there, at the piano, hands poised over who-knows-what strange melody. The grace o' that fella! The passion...

LAURIE:

He's my husband.

WOMAN 1:

Down to his fingertips... smoulderin'... written all over him.

LAURIE:

He's my husband.

WOMAN 1:

(DISMISSIVE) Ahhh...

LAURIE:

(SMILING) Honest!

WOMAN 1:

Yeah? What's his name?

LAURIE:

Gerson.

WOMAN 1:

(BREATHY) Gerson. Ah! Gerson what?

LAURIE:

Gerson Hapsmith.

WOMAN 1:

Dearie?

LAURIE:

What?

WOMAN 1:

Lemme ask ya somethin'.

LAURIE:

(QUICKLY) No.

WOMAN 1:

Zow-eee...

LAURIE:

Honey... This is Times Square.

WOMAN 1:

Who needs it? I've got a little shoppin' to do in Bronx Park.

MUSIC:

COMEDY TRANSITION, THEN OUT

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... LAURIE STEPS INTO APARTMENT ... DOOR CLOSES ... SHE WALKS INTO ROOM

LAURIE:

Gerson? (NO ANSWER. "EARTH CALLING") I'm home, Gerson.

GERSON:

(NOTICES HER) Oh! Hi.

LAURIE:

What're ya doing?

GERSON:

I was tryin' to write a slogan for the agency.

LAURIE:

What account?

GERSON:

Lempke Water Biscuit account.

LAURIE:

Hm.

GERSON:

Could be tough. What rhymes with "Lempke"? (PAUSE) Mmm... (WARMLY) C'mere, Laurie. Hi.

LAURIE:

(SITS ON HIS LAP) Mmmm... I wanna tell you something, lover.

GERSON:

What?

LAURIE:

(PLAYFUL) It happened again. Today.

GERSON:

On the subway?

LAURIE:

M-hm.

GERSON:

Did I have a big house?

LAURIE:

Mobbed. Then there was a woman who sat next to me--

GERSON:

Blonde? Brunette?

LAURIE:

Both.

GERSON:

Oh.

LAURIE:

Honey, you're the heartbeat of the subway circuit. You know what that woman said about your picture? Zow-eee!

GERSON:

(CHUCKLES) You don't know the half of it.

LAURIE:

Tell me the half of it.

GERSON:

Mr. Honeywell, at the agency, called me in, and said they'd formed a fan club in Bronx Park.

LAURIE:

Do me a favour, Gerson.

GERSON:

Sure.

LAURIE:

(PLAYFUL WHISPER) Kiss me.

GERSON:

Any time.

(THEY KISS)

 

LAURIE:

(LITTLE SWOON) Oh! Five-million quickening pulses in New York! Gerson, you're my man.

GERSON:

Yeah, baby.

(THEY EMBRACE)

 

GERSON:

Baby?

LAURIE:

M-hm?

GERSON:

You jealous?

LAURIE:

Why should I be jealous? Just to be Mrs. Hapsmith is all I ever wanted.

GERSON:

It's crazy, the way it happened. Four years ago, when the model didn't show up, Mr. Honeywell tapped me for the job. Pulled me away from my typewriter, thrust a string bow tie in my hand--

LAURIE:

And said, "This is it, Hapsmith--"

GERSON:

No, no, he didn't. He just told me to climb into the bow tie, and run upstairs, and sit in front o' the piano. Four years ago, and they just released it. Now, my picture's in every bus and subway in New York. Ya know what Mr. Honeywell said to me today?

LAURIE:

He asked you for the bow tie.

GERSON:

No. He said, "This is it, Hapsmith. We've just landed the Nine Star Meat account. I want you to pose for it in mutton chop whiskers."

LAURIE:

Oh, no you won't... Not my Gerson. Not in mutton chops.

GERSON:

That's what I told Mr. Honeywell. The place in an advertising agency for me, is in back of a typewriter. Thinking up slogans.

LAURIE:

That's telling Mr. Honeywell.

GERSON:

Yep. C'mon, let's get dressed, baby. New Year's Eve, Manhattan... And you... Wear the off-the-shoulder, huh?

LAURIE:

(LITTLE LAUGH) Uh-huh. You wear something for me too, huh?

GERSON:

What?

LAURIE:

The string bow tie.

GERSON:

You kidding?

LAURIE:

I wanna show you off.

GERSON:

Aw, you're kidding.

LAURIE:

To all of New York: The man in the string bow tie, is MINE.

GERSON:

Now, listen, baby, I--

LAURIE:

That the woman behind the Man Who Quickens the Pulses is ME.

GERSON:

No, but baby...

LAURIE:

You just run along, and slip into that bow tie, Gerson.

GERSON:

I don't even know how to tie it. Mr. Honeywell tied it for me.

LAURIE:

Anything Honeywell can do for you, I can do.

GERSON:

MISTER Honeywell.

LAURIE:

(PLAYFUL) Big deal.

GERSON:

You really want me to?

LAURIE:

(POUTING) Please.

GERSON:

(LITTLE LAUGH) Baby... You don't have to say please to me.

LAURIE:

(SMILING) Gerson, just go get the bow tie.

MUSIC:

TRANSITIONAL, SCAMPERING, THEN OUT

SFX:

"SUBWAY STATION" AMBIENCE, UNDER

SFX:

THEY WALK ALONG, UNDER

GERSON:

Yeah, there's the street. C'mon.

LAURIE:

(LAUGHING)

GERSON:

(EXHALES) Oh!

LAURIE:

(LAUGHING) Oh! I don't know why you'd ever suggest to go out on New Year's Eve. Everything is so wonderful. Even a crowded subway.

GERSON:

I wanna tell ya something.

LAURIE:

What?

GERSON:

Here we are, twelve feet underground--

LAURIE:

That figures. There's two of us.

GERSON:

But no. I mean, here we are, you and I, rushing around in a subway, in the crowd of people, and--

LAURIE:

It's not crowded, down at the other end of the car, Gerson. Why did you have to pick a seat (POINTEDLY) right under your picture?

GERSON:

Oh, let me finish, willya?

LAURIE:

(PLAYFUL) Sorry.

GERSON:

Crowd of people, and I feel like we're alone, Laurie. Hurtling through space, alone.

WOMAN 2:

Pardon me, please. Could I just squeeze in here for--

GERSON:

(STARTS TO STAND) Well, here, I'll get up.

WOMAN 2:

Oh no you don't. You just sit there. I'll squeeze in between ya.

GERSON:

Mm.

WOMAN 2:

D'ya mind skootchin' over a little, madam?

LAURIE:

Mm. (MOVES SLIGHTLY)

WOMAN 2:

(SITS) Ah! There we are.

LAURIE:

Gerson?

GERSON:

I'm over here, Laurie.

WOMAN 2:

Mister?

GERSON:

Yes?

WOMAN 2:

You're Scherzo, aren't ya?

GERSON:

(LITTLE CHUCKLE)

WOMAN 2:

When you got on, I told my girlfriend, Janice, "There's Scherzo, the man in the string bow tie." And Janice said to me, she said, "Every time you get on the subway, you start dreamin'."

GERSON:

(LITTLE CHUCKLE) Oh, really?

WOMAN 2:

(CALLING) Janice? Janice! It's him!!! (GIGGLE. TO GERSON) Wave to Janice.

GERSON:

Yes, all right. (CALLS, SMILING) Hi, Janice! (LITTLE CHUCKLE)

LAURIE:

(TERSE) Young lady...

WOMAN 2:

Listen, Madam. You've had him since Twenty-Third Street. Don't be a hog.

LAURIE:

I'm going to feel silly saying it, but I'm gonna say it. This man is MINE.

WOMAN 2:

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Put your money where your mouth is, madam.

LAURIE:

ASK HIM.

WOMAN 2:

Hey, Scherzo. Are you hers?

GERSON:

She's my wife.

WOMAN 2:

Well, if she is your wife, pray tell, who are those four girls on the advertisement, who are scattered beneath your piano?

GERSON:

Oh, they're models, that's all. Just girls.

WOMAN 2:

Well, that's all I am. Honest.

LAURIE:

Young lady...

WOMAN 2:

Yes, madam.

LAURIE:

Beat it. Blow. Go tell Janice she wants you.

WOMAN 2:

Look, Madam. You might be married to him and all, but I'd like to explain the facts of life to ya. The minute he got up in that advertisement, he belonged to humanity, female type. (LITTLE LAUGH) Can I fix your bow tie, Scherzo.

GERSON:

Yes, go right ahead.

LAURIE:

(FIRMLY) Here's where we get off, Gerson.

GERSON:

Yeah, but the lady just wanted--

LAURIE:

(GETTING IRRITATED) You belong to humanity, Gerson, and they're waiting for you. Up there. Let's hurry, before the door slams in your face.

MUSIC:

TRANSITIONAL, THEN TURNS INTO "TENNESSEE WALTZ", UNDER

SFX:

"NIGHT CLUB" AMBIENCE, UNDER

LAURIE:

Gerson?

GERSON:

M-hm?

LAURIE:

You do a stunning waltz.

GERSON:

Four-four is my favourite tempo.

LAURIE:

(CHUCKLING) I'm having a lovely time.

GERSON:

Me too.

LAURIE:

Oh, this dancing like this... beautiful cafe, champagne-- You feel the champagne, honey?

GERSON:

Me too.

LAURIE:

Me too.

GERSON:

(CHUCKLES)

MUSIC:

SONG ENDS ... CROWD APPLAUDS ORCHESTRA

GERSON:

Let's go back to the table, and have some more champagne.

SFX:

THEY WALK TO TABLE, UNDER

LAURIE:

(LITTLE SIGH)

GERSON:

(WHISTLING COMPLETELY TUNELESSLY) Ah, I love that song.

LAURIE:

What song?

GERSON:

That song the orchestra was just playing. "The Tennessee Waltz". (WHISTLES TUNELESSLY) Ah. Let it be our song, huh?

LAURIE:

Well, all right. (HUMS, SLIGHTLY LESS TUNELESSLY, UNDER)

GERSON:

Here's our table. What are you singing?

LAURIE:

Our song.

GERSON:

That's not "The Tennessee Waltz", baby. Our song goes like this. (WHISTLES TUNELESSLY)

LAURIE:

(LAUGHING) Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, my fault.

BILL:

Pardon me, friend.

GERSON:

Yes? What is it?

BILL:

You the boy that posed for that poifume ad?

LAURIE:

Give him your autograph, dear.

GERSON:

(SMILING) Okay, sure.

BILL:

Now, wait. Don't bother with the pencil, friend. Just a question. Are ya?

GERSON:

Am I what?

BILL:

The buster who sits at the piano? See, I only ask because you're wearin' a bow tie like him; ya got a face like him. The only difference is, ya only one dame, and no piano.

GERSON:

(CONSPIRATORIAL) C'mere. I'll tell you.

BILL:

Yeah?

GERSON:

I happen to be that chap.

BILL:

Uh-huh. Well, I'll tell you what chap I happen to be.

GERSON:

M-hm.

BILL:

Just put your hand in my pocket, and feel.

(GERSON DOES)

 

BILL:

That's right. Now. Now, take your hand out.

(GERSON DOES)

 

BILL:

What did you feel there?

GERSON:

A Smith-Wesson Thirty-Eight, Snub-Nosed, Series 1927. Hey, Laurie, ya know what was in his pocket? A Smith-Wesson Thirty--

LAURIE:

(URGENT) Pay the cheque dear, and let's leave.

BILL:

Siddown, lady. I said SIDDOWN.

LAURIE:

(CLEARS THROAT. SITS)

BILL:

M-hm. You're him, huh, buster?

GERSON:

Sure.

BILL:

That's all I wanna know. Up, both o' ya.

LAURIE:

You talk to me like that again, and I'll scream.

BILL:

Well, before you do, lady, I wanna tell ya somethin'. You- you, uh, know the Hudson Tunnel?

GERSON:

Sure! We take from 'em all the time when we go to Jersey.

BILL:

Yeah. Well, you know that concrete pedestal that the policeman stands on... it's just before ya hit the Jersey side there?

GERSON:

Well, I know it very well. You remember it, Laurie?

LAURIE:

It's my favourite.

BILL:

Yeah, mine too. That particular concrete pedestal is composed of five ingredients: Sand, cement, and three o' my favourite boys. Just because they wouldn't pay any attention to me, so, uh, would ya please, would ya pay attention to me?

LAURIE:

We're all ears.

GERSON:

Mm.

BILL:

So, up, both o' ya.

SFX:

SCRAPE OF CHAIRS, AS THEY STAND UP ... THEY WALK TOWARDS DOOR, UNDER

BILL:

Now, let's go celebrate New Year's Eve, shall we? MY way.

MUSIC:

OMINOUS TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT

ANNCR:

You are listening to "Cathy and Elliott Lewis - On Stage". Tonight's play: "The String Bow Tie".

MUSIC:

"ON STAGE" THEME, THEN OUT

SFX:

THEY WALK ALONG SIDEWALK, UNDER

GERSON:

Laurie?

LAURIE:

Yes, dear?

GERSON:

Is he still there?

LAURIE:

Yes, dear.

BILL:

(QUIETLY) Keep walkin'. C'mon, over to the car.

LAURIE:

(TO BILL) Look. Uh, look, Mister. W- why are you doing this to us? Y- you want our money? What?

BILL:

(QUIETLY) Keep walkin'.

LAURIE:

But who are you? Why are you picking on us?

BILL:

1953 is gonna be a nice year, so do yourselves a favour. Live through it.

SFX:

WALKING STOPS ... CAR DOOR OPENS

BILL:

(QUIETLY) All right, in the back, all of us. C'mon, let's go.

SFX:

THEY GET INTO CAR ... CAR DOOR CLOSES

BILL:

(TO CHAUFFEUR) All right, Thomas. Take us home.

THOMAS:

Yes sir, Mr. Bailey.

GERSON:

(NERVOUS LAUGH) Uh, Mister?

BILL:

Yeah?

SFX:

CAR STARTS, AND DRIVES OFF, UNDER

GERSON:

It's on account o' this string bow tie, huh?

BILL:

(SIMPLY) It's on account o' that. Hey, buster?

GERSON:

Me?

BILL:

Yeah. How come, that when you stuck your hand in my pocket, you knew right away without lookin' that the gun was a Smith and Wesson Thirty-Eight, Snub-Nosed, Series 1927?

GERSON:

Oh, I work in an advertising agency. I wrote a slogan for it, for a catalogue.

BILL:

Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

GERSON:

"Use a Smith-Wesson, And Be Sure".

BILL:

Oh. You know, you just happen to be the fella who made me switch from a Colt Forty-Five?

LAURIE:

I hate to louse up your testimonial, but I'd like to point a few things out to you.

BILL:

You're entitled.

LAURIE:

This... is a very serious offence. Kidnapping us out of a nightclub, taking us to a place, or places, unknown, and for such a flimsy reason! Because my husband is on a subway card.

BILL:

(ICY) I hate him.

GERSON:

Me??? What'd I ever do to you?

BILL:

You'll see.

GERSON:

Look, sir... (UNEASY LAUGH) I just happen to be a fella named Gerson Hapsmith--

BILL:

(ICY) I just happen to be a fella named William Bailey, who hates you.

LAURIE:

Where are you taking us?

BILL:

You'll see.

LAURIE:

Gerson?

GERSON:

What?

LAURIE:

Say something. Make Mr. Bailey realize that he's not dealing with a cardboard personality. Make him know what's in store for him if he doesn't let us off right away.

BILL:

Yeah, make me do that. Go on.

GERSON:

(CONFIDENT, FRIENDLY) Mr. Bailey?

BILL:

Ye-e-e-e-s?

GERSON:

This is madness.

LAURIE:

(PAUSE) That's all you're going to say, Gerson? (NO ANSWER. APPALLED) Gerson. (LITTLE PEP-TALK) You're my man.

GERSON:

(QUIETLY) Yeah, yeah. (CONFIDENTLY) Mr. Bailey?

BILL:

Ye-e-ah?

GERSON:

You don't think you're gonna get away with this, do ya? (NO ANSWER) What's the big idea of holding a gun on us, and marching us out of a nightclub...making us walk down the street...making us get into a long black car, and driving us away? What's the big idea o' that, huh? (NO ANSWER) This is civilization, we got going for us here, fella. There's no place in it for the primitive, the predatory emotion. (NO ANSWER) You say you hate me. I don't hate you. My wife doesn't hate you. Although, the seed is there. You think the world's against you, don't you? (NO ANSWER) Well, somewhere down the line, you've been tricked, Mr. Bailey... Bill. Disillusioned. (NO ANSWER) Aw, now, look... Just because I posed for an ad-- Hey, I know what. (NERVOUS LAUGH) I'll take off the string bow tie, and--

BILL:

You touch that tie, and I will break your arm.

GERSON:

Er...

BILL:

Here. Here. And here.

LAURIE:

Listen, you-- you--

GERSON:

Hoodlum? Renegade? Malfactor?

LAURIE:

Hoodlum.

GERSON:

Hoodlum.

LAURIE:

You listen to me, you hoodlum! You leave my husband alone! It isn't his fault he's wearing that string bow tie. I made him put it on. Anything that's going to happen, should happen to me, not him.

BILL:

(QUIETLY) Maybe.

LAURIE:

(UNEASY) Maybe what?

BILL:

A dame in the Hudson Tunnel. Hm. A dame. That'll pose quite a problem for our concrete mixer. Wonder if he knows the recipe.

MUSIC:

SLIGHTLY UNEASY, ASCENDING, THEN OUT

SFX:

ELEVATOR STOPS ... DOOR OPENS ... THEY GET OUT

BILL:

(QUIETLY) This floor, people. C'mon.

SFX:

THEY WALK ALONG HALL ... APARTMENT DOOR OPENS

BILL:

Inside.

SFX:

THEY STEP INSIDE ... DOOR CLOSES

LAURIE:

(GASPS AT THE BEAUTY OF IT) Oh! My!

BILL:

(SMILING) Uh-huh. You like it, huh?

LAURIE:

(SMILING) Oh! Why you must be the greatest hoodlum of them all, to be able to afford this, Mr. Bailey!

BILL:

(LITTLE LAUGH) Well...

LAURIE:

Furnished in such beautiful taste... such exquisite decor! You ought to be proud of this place!

BILL:

Well, yes, I am. I am, and I can tell ya this, lady. There is never gonna be another place like it.

LAURIE:

(REALIZES) Uh... The... decorator...?

BILL:

(SMILING) Yeah. Yeah.

LAURIE:

Hudson... Tunnel?

BILL:

The one in the middle. Yeah. (CALLING) Uh, Carolyn?

CAROLYN:

(CALLING, OFF-MIKE) Is that you, Billy?

BILL:

(CALLING) Yeah, it's me; it's me. C'mon out here. I got somethin' fer you.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS, OFF ... CAROLYN APPROACHES

CAROLYN:

(SEES GERSON) Oh, Billy! You brought him! (STARES AT GERSON A MOMENT, THEN) Hi.

GERSON:

Me?

CAROLYN:

You're cute.

LAURIE:

Him?

CAROLYN:

He's cute.

BILL:

(QUIETLY) Carolyn.

CAROLYN:

My, he's cute.

BILL:

(SMILING) Ah. Ya like him, heh?

CAROLYN:

Uh, tell him to walk around.

BILL:

(TO GERSON) Walk.

GERSON:

Walk??? Whatta you mean?

BILL:

(THREATENING) Listen, you. My wife wants ya to walk, so do it!

GERSON:

I don't understand.

BILL:

I'LL STICK HIS HEAD RIGHT IN THE LIGHT SOCKET, SO HELP ME. I'LL TAKE HIS--

LAURIE:

(CALMING BILL) Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. I'll- I'll- I'll explain it to him. (SWEETLY) Gerson, honey... The man's got a gun. He's pointing it at you. He wants you to walk. You know how that bit goes. First, this foot, and then, that foot...

GERSON:

Yeah.

LAURIE:

And then, before ya know it...

GERSON:

Okay, okay, yeah.

SFX:

HE WALKS SLOWLY ACROSS THE ROOM

BILL:

All right, that's enough. Come back.

SFX:

GERSON SLOWLY WALKS BACK

BILL:

(EXASPERATED BREATH. TO CAROLYN) Well?

CAROLYN:

Cute.

BILL:

You know why I brought him here, Carolyn?

CAROLYN:

Because ya love me, Billy. (TO GERSON AND LAURIE) Billy loves me.

BILL:

I brought him here, so that you can see in the flesh, this guy that you have been mopin' over since ya saw that advertisement in the subway.

CAROLYN:

Billy's good to me. (TO GERSON) What's your name, cutie?

GERSON:

Gerson.

CAROLYN:

Ya see, Billy? I told you.

LAURIE:

You... guessed his name was Gerson?

CAROLYN:

He's cute. Gee... (GAZES LOVINGLY AT GERSON)

BILL:

Carolyn... Carolyn, I'm talkin' to ya.

CAROLYN:

Yes, Bill.

BILL:

(GETTING FRUSTRATED) I wanna prove to you, Carolyn, that this Gerson, who sits in front of a piano on the Schoitzo cologne ad, he is a Gerson, like any other Gerson. He's just a guy, see? He is not somebody who, every morning, noon, and night, you say to me, (MIMICKING HER) "Why ain't you like him, Billy?"

CAROLYN:

Well, look at him. You ain't.

BILL:

Hm. I can see that the only way to have peace and quiet around here is to do what we come here to do. So... get the bottle, Carolyn.

CAROLYN:

All right, dear.

SFX:

SHE GOES TO GET IT, THEN RETURNS

CAROLYN:

Here it is, dear.

BILL:

You ever seen a bottle o' this stuff, Gerson?

GERSON:

Oh, yeah, sure. That's Scherzo, the men's cologne, that me and my bow tie and the piano are supposed to quicken pulses with. It's the large economy--

SFX:

BILL THROWS COLOGNE ALL OVER GERSON

GERSON:

(GASPS, SPLUTTERS, COUGHS)

BILL:

Have some.

LAURIE:

Now, look, Mr. Bailey... Gerson just dabs that stuff behind his ears; he doesn't drink it.

GERSON:

All right, Mister. Ya got us up here, and threw a bottle o' cologne in my face. Now, whadda you want me to do?

BILL:

See that piano?

GERSON:

Sure.

BILL:

Play.

GERSON:

Sure. Then, we can go?

LAURIE:

He can't play.

BILL:

Ya see, Carolyn? Can't even play.

LAURIE:

(UNEASY LAUGH, TRYING TO LEAVE) So... Goodbye to one and all, huh?

GERSON:

Who says I can't play?

CAROLYN:

He plays!

GERSON:

Sure!

BILL:

(IRONIC) Oh, that's good. That's fine. Gr-eat. I'm glad that ya can, so we can clear this up. (QUIETLY) Listen, Gerson... You got the bow tie; you stink of Schoitzo, and now you're gonna play. There is just one thing... YOU QUICKEN MY WIFE'S PULSE, AND YOU ARE DEAD. So, go play.

SFX:

GERSON WALKS TO PIANO ... SITS DOWN

MUSIC:

PIANO PLAYED VERY SIMPLY (ONE FINGER), AND NOT TOO WELL, UNDER

CAROLYN:

(ENCHANTED) Oh, my...

LAURIE:

You like that???

CAROLYN:

Go, go...

BILL:

(QUIETLY, TO LAURIE) Hey, Lady...

LAURIE:

What?

BILL:

Please note the vein on my wife's t'roat. There is a t'rob there, that wasn't there before. (GETTING WORKED UP) It's been seventeen years since I have seen that t'rob. WHY, THAT NO-GOOD--

LAURIE:

(CALMING HIM) No, no, just-- No, no. Would ya just take it easy, Mr. Bailey. Really. I... (UP) Carolyn? (NO ANSWER) Uh, Carolyn? (SMILING) He is good, isn't he Carolyn?

CAROLYN:

Good. Uh-huh.

LAURIE:

(LOVINGLY) Look at him. The way he sits there...

CAROLYN:

The way he sits there...

LAURIE:

Fingers poised over a- a- who-knows-what strange melody...

CAROLYN:

Strange melody...

LAURIE:

The... talents that Gerson has...

CAROLYN:

Tell me, tell me.

LAURIE:

All sorts of them!

BILL:

(QUIETLY) Tell your husband to turn around, because I hate to give it to folks in the back.

LAURIE:

(QUIETLY) Just one second more, Mr. Bailey. (UP) Carolyn, honey?

CAROLYN:

Yes?

LAURIE:

He does all sorts of things. You think his piano-playing is good--

CAROLYN:

Oh, I do, I do!

LAURIE:

You oughtta hear him WHISTLE!

CAROLYN:

Oh, my, yes... Uh, Gerson?

GERSON:

(SLIGHTLY OFF-MIKE) Uh, just a minute...

MUSIC:

PIANO OUT

SFX:

HE WALKS TO HER

GERSON:

Yes, ma'am?

CAROLYN:

Whistle.

GERSON:

Whistle what?

CAROLYN:

I dunno, anything.

LAURIE:

OUR song, Gerson.

GERSON:

Oh, yes. Well, all right. (WHISTLES COMPLETELY TUNELESSLY)

CAROLYN:

(ENCHANTED) Oh, my...

LAURIE:

You like that???

CAROLYN:

"The Tennessee Waltz" is my favourite.

LAURIE:

That does it. You can have him.

BILL:

Huh?

LAURIE:

Don't you see? He's not for me any more.

BILL:

Whaddayou mean?

LAURIE:

Those two. Made for each other. Listen to me, Mr. Bailey. Bill...

BILL:

Huh?

LAURIE:

(COZYING UP TO HIM) Why should I try to fight it? Or you?

BILL:

Why don't I just kill him?

LAURIE:

That's a good idea.

BILL:

Huh?

LAURIE:

(MELODRAMATIC) Don't ya see? It's the only way. Get him out of our lives, once and for all! Th- this- this MAN... this MONSTER... this wrecker-of-homes!

GERSON:

Hey, Laurie...

LAURIE:

Be quiet, you wrecker-of-homes!

GERSON:

Oh, hey, Laurie, now wait--

LAURIE:

I said, "BE QUIET!"

BILL:

What kind of a way is that for a lady to talk to her husband?

GERSON:

Yeah.

LAURIE:

This man gets his face displayed in the subway, and what happens? After eight years, he's not mine any more! He belongs to the world! Who needs him!

BILL:

Hey, Lady, that is your HUSBAND.

GERSON:

Yeah!

CAROLYN:

(IRONIC) Cute.

LAURIE:

And after eighteen years, your life... (MELODRAMATIC) what is it? Shambles! Get rid of him!

BILL:

Lady!

LAURIE:

Do it now!

BILL:

Lady! He's your husband!

LAURIE:

You'll be doing a good deed, Bill.

BILL:

That is no way to talk about your husband! Now, look, I'm older than you, and I know. You- you hoit a fella when you talk about him like that.

GERSON:

Yeah!

CAROLYN:

Poor boy.

BILL:

Yeah! You're married to him, so... be married to him. Through thick and thin.

GERSON:

Yeah!

BILL:

It's the only way. W- we know. Carolyn and I.

CAROLYN:

Yeah.

BILL:

Yeah. (TENDERLY) C'mere and sit by me, Carolyn.

SFX:

CAROLYN GOES TO HIM

BILL:

Now, here, by my feet.

SFX:

SHE SITS ON THE FLOOR, RESTING HER HEAD ON HIS KNEE

BILL:

Now, where was I?

LAURIE:

"Through thick and thin".

BILL:

Yeah. T'rough thick and thin, yeah. (UP) The years come, and the years go. But it is always a pleasant thing to have by your side, one's helpmate.

CAROLYN:

Dear Billy...

LAURIE:

(QUIETLY, TO CAROLYN) Move over, honey. I wanna sit by his feet too.

SFX:

SHE WALKS TO BILL, SITS ON FLOOR, RESTING HER HEAD ON HIS OTHER KNEE

BILL:

As one sails his ship through the great Sea of Life, knocked about by the storm and the strife...

GERSON:

Lemme siddown too.

SFX:

HE WALKS TO COUCH

GERSON:

Pardon me.

SFX:

SITS DOWN NEXT TO BILL, NEAR LAURIE

BILL:

(QUIETLY) Are you settled?

GERSON:

Uh-huh.

BILL:

I, uh, uh...

LAURIE:

"By the storm and the strife".

BILL:

Uh, yeah. Knocked about by those things. (UP) When one has a friend, one reaches calm waters.

CAROLYN:

Billy?

BILL:

Yeah?

CAROLYN:

I feel so sentimental.

GERSON:

Me too.

CAROLYN:

Play something for us, Billy. On the piano.

BILL:

("AW SHUCKS") Awww, gee...

LAURIE:

Go ahead... C'mon.

BILL:

Well... (SMILING) All right.

SFX:

WALKS TO PIANO ... SITS DOWN

MUSIC:

BEAUTIFUL PIANO ARPEGGIO, UNDER

CAROLYN:

He's been takin' lessons for almost a month now.

MUSIC:

"LIEBESTRAUM" BEAUTIFULLY ON PIANO, UNDER

CAROLYN:

Since your ad appeared, Gerson.

LAURIE:

(PAUSE. QUIETLY) Gerson?

GERSON:

M-hm?

LAURIE:

(URGENT WHISPER) C'mon. Let's steal away softly.

GERSON:

(WHISPER) Yeah. All right.

SFX:

THEY QUIETLY WALK TO THE DOOR, AND OPEN IT

GERSON:

(CALLING SLIGHTLY) Uh, Mr. Bailey?

BILL:

(OFF-MIKE, CALLING SLIGHTLY) Yeah?

GERSON:

Bye now! Have a Happy New Year!

BILL:

Huh? Yeah, you too! Remember what I told you, Lady!

LAURIE:

I'll remember.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

MUSIC:

OUT

SFX:

GERSON AND LAURIE WALK BRISKLY, UNDER

GERSON:

(UNEASY RELIEF) Ooh.

LAURIE:

(DEEP BREATH OF RELIEF) Ah.

GERSON:

You satisfied?

LAURIE:

Very. I saved your life!

GERSON:

You almost got me killed. You and your ideas. I didn't wanna wear this string bow tie.

LAURIE:

Yes, dear.

GERSON:

M-hm.

LAURIE:

Ring for the elevator, dear.

GERSON:

M-hm. (CHUCKLES)

LAURIE:

(CHUCKLES)

GERSON:

Well... C'mon, Laurie. Let's go out into the world, and have us a HAPPY New Year.

MUSIC:

TRANSITIONAL, THEN SCAMPERING, THEN OUT

SFX:

"SUBWAY INTERIOR" AMBIENCE, UNDER

WOMAN 1:

(PAUSE) Uh, can you make room for me, dearie?

LAURIE:

Hm? Oh, sure.

WOMAN 1:

Say... Don't I know you?

LAURIE:

(SMILING) Oh, of course! We talked, the other day. I borrowed a pencil from you to do a crossword puzzle.

WOMAN 1:

I know you! You're the girl who's married to that man in the string bow tie.

LAURIE:

That's right.

WOMAN 1:

Hey, what ever happened to him?

LAURIE:

Whattayou mean?

WOMAN 1:

He's not up there in the ad any more. Now, there's another gent. The man standin' by a fireplace with those four hounds at his feet. That man in that ad there, in mutton chop whiskers. (SIGHS) Ah, zowee!

LAURIE:

You like him as well as the man in the string bow tie?

WOMAN 1:

Oh, better, better! Er- er, look at those whiskers, dear. How would ya like to run your hands through them?

LAURIE:

I have.

WOMAN 1:

Huh???

LAURIE:

He's my husband.

WOMAN 1:

Uh... Him too??? Well, what'll you do with the other one? Get rid of him?

LAURIE:

M-hm! New year.

WOMAN 1:

Oh. Dearie... Lemme ask you somethin' about the new one... in the mutton chop whiskers...

LAURIE:

(CONSPIRATORIAL) Zow-eee!

MUSIC:

UP, TO A FINISH

ANNCR:

"The String Bow Tie", starring Cathy and Elliott Lewis.

Now, once again, Mr. and Mrs. Lewis.

MUSIC:

"ON STAGE" TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT

CATHY:

We'd like to thank our good friends, Sheldon Leonard and Mary Jane Croft, who came down tonight to help us start the new year, and our new series, by playing Mr. and Mrs. Bill Bailey.

ELLIOTT:

Yes. And Martha Wentworth (the lady on the subway) Vivi Janiss (who helped fix my tie), and Byron Kane (who couldn't spell "auk").

Now, next week, Cathy...

CATHY:

Well, just before we went into rehearsal today, we got a copy of next week's play, "The Drunken Sailor". It was written for us by a very fine new radio writer, Richard Chandlee. It's a spy story, exciting and, well, you'll see.

ELLIOTT:

Yeah. And, a week after that, a comedy about a nice girl and a bum, written for us by Richard Powell.

CATHY:

Thank you all for listening. A very Happy New Year. Goodnight.

ELLIOTT:

Goodnight.

MUSIC:

"ON STAGE" THEME UP, UNDER

ANNCR:

"The String Bow Tie" was written by Morton Fine and David Friedkin. The theme for "Cathy and Elliott Lewis - On Stage" was written by Ray Noble. Music for the program was composed by Fred Steiner, and conducted by Lud Gluskin. "Cathy and Elliott Lewis - On Stage" is transcribed and directed by Mr. Lewis. George Walsh speaking.

And remember, John Lund as "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar" brings you colourful mystery, Friday nights, on the CBS Radio Network.

MUSIC:

"ON STAGE" THEME CONTINUES TO END