MUSIC:

GENTLE FANFARE ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

We present "My Favorite Husband," a new series based on the delightful stories of Isabel Scott Rorick's gay, sophisticated "Mr. and Mrs. Cugat," starring Lucille Ball with Richard Denning.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT ... THEN THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

The Cugats -- Liz, busy young matron, and George, busy young fifth vice president of the bank -- are one of the few couples we know who live together and like it. Let's look in on them now as Liz waits for George to come down to breakfast.

LIZ:

Oh, Katy?

KATY:

Yes, Mrs. Cugat? What is it?

LIZ:

Katy, you don't have to serve breakfast this morning. I'll serve Mr. Cugat myself.

KATY:

Well, don't you feel well, Mrs. Cugat?

LIZ:

Yes, but there's a special little favor I want from him -- and if he thinks I cooked the breakfast, it might put him in a better frame of mind.

KATY:

(SKEPTICAL) If he thinks you cooked it, Mrs. Cugat, I don't think he'll eat it. ...

LIZ:

Well, fix something real nice like, er, scrambled eggs.

KATY:

I'll make a nice omelet. Oh, ho! You can always get around a man with food. I used to get anything I wanted from my first husband Clarence. I just cooked him an omelet and put in a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce. ...

LIZ:

A whole bottle?

KATY:

Uh-huh. And I wouldn't give him a glass of water till he said yes. ...

LIZ:

Well, just leave out the Tabasco. I've done everything to keep George in a nice frame of mind this morning.

KATY:

All right.

GEORGE:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Liz?! Hey, Liz, where are my clothes?! I can't find them anywhere!

LIZ:

(CALLS) They're all there, George! I hung them up!

GEORGE:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Well, what did you do that for?! I had them all neatly laid out on the floor where I could find them! ...

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

LIZ:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Oh, hello, Ann. -- Lunch?! How can you think of it? Aren't you going to the tryouts for the play? -- The Young Matrons League. It's in the paper this morning. -- On the society page. I just put it in front of George's place at the table. And you know what, Ann? Anatole Brodny is going to be in the audience on opening night. -- Yes! The famous Hollywood director. He used to live in town here. Oh, I hope George will let me try out. Oh, here he comes. I'll call you later, Ann.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

LIZ:

(HUMS CHEERFULLY) Good morning, dear.

GEORGE:

Good morning, dear. Well, what's for breakfast? (CALLS) Katy?!

LIZ:

Uh, I told Katy to work around the house.

GEORGE:

(WARY) Are you cooking breakfast?

LIZ:

Well, you're my favorite husband.

GEORGE:

(KNOWINGLY) Okay, what do you want from me, Liz? ...

LIZ:

Me? Want?

SOUND:

KITCHEN DOOR OPENS

KATY:

Um, Mrs. Cugat? Can I see you a minute?

GEORGE:

What is it, Katy? Something wrong?

KATY:

(HESITANT) Er, well-- Um--

LIZ:

Go right ahead, Katy, tell me. I have nothing to keep from Mr. Cugat.

KATY:

Well, ah, breakfast won't be ready for a while because the omelet you were cooking spoiled and you had to make another one. ...

LIZ:

(DEFLATED) Thank you, Katy.

GEORGE:

(QUIETLY TEASING) I hope you didn't put too much salt in it, Liz.

LIZ:

Don't be funny. Hey, why don't you read your paper, George?

GEORGE:

You mean you'll let me?

LIZ:

Certainly, dear. See? It's all set for you. All you have to do is read.

GEORGE:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, who opened this paper to the society page?

LIZ:

Now, you could do worse than read the society page. There's some very interesting things there.

GEORGE:

There are?

LIZ:

(YES) Mm hm.

GEORGE:

Well, let's see. (FEIGNS INTEREST) Well, I should say! Just look at this. (READS) "At a late afternoon ceremony Devorah Ann Rasmussen became the bride of Arthur Spondoolie Kranfeather Jr." ...

LIZ:

Er, why don't you read something else, dear?

GEORGE:

No, this is exciting. (READS) "The bride wore a bouffant gown of white Chantilly lace and her head was covered by a lace cap from which fell a large veal."

LIZ:

That's "veil." ...

GEORGE:

Veal, veil -- they all look silly. (READS) "The bridesmaids wore aqua taffeta gowns--"

LIZ:

Oh, why don't you try somewhere around the middle of the page, darling? Down there.

GEORGE:

Oh, yes, here! (READS) "Overheard at tea: people wouldn't be so incompatible if the men had more income and the girls were more pat-able." ... Well, that's very good!

LIZ:

Here, give me the paper. I'll see if I can find something.

GEORGE:

Ah, now wait a minute, dear wife. What's all this interest in the society page? (SEES SOMETHING) Oh ho! (READS) "Young Matrons League to present annual play."

LIZ:

(FEIGNS CASUAL IGNORANCE) Oh, really? I didn't see that. ...

GEORGE:

Hm! If there's one thing I can't understand, it's why a bunch of respectable married women want to get up on a stage and make jackasses out of themselves.

LIZ:

(DEFENSIVE) I don't see anything wrong with it. And they don't make jackasses out of themselves.

GEORGE:

Oh, come now, Liz -- you know they do.

LIZ:

You didn't feel this way last year. You let me be in the play.

GEORGE:

That's what started me feeling this way. ...

LIZ:

Oh, you think I'm a jackass?

GEORGE:

I didn't say that.

LIZ:

Well, you implied it. Didn't you?

GEORGE:

(BEAT) No comment. ...

LIZ:

(ACCUSING) George Cugat, you are calling your wife a jackass by keeping your mouth shut! ...

GEORGE:

Well, think of the trouble I'd get into if I opened it. ... Oh, look, why don't you forget it, honey? I know what you're leading to. You want to be in the play.

LIZ:

I do not. I didn't even hear about it until you happened to find it in the paper.

GEORGE:

Really?

LIZ:

Don't you believe me?

GEORGE:

(PLAYS ALONG) Oh, certainly, dear. I wonder what play they're going to do.

LIZ:

(TOO QUICKLY) "John Loves Mary." (GASPS) ...

GEORGE:

(AMUSED) Well, forget it, Liz. The answer is no. Not after last year. (LAUGHS)

LIZ:

That wasn't my fault!

GEORGE:

Well, you're supposed to feel at ease on the stage, move around. Oh, I almost died when that fella came bounding in and called, "Run for your life! The dam has broken!" -- and you just sat there! ... Well, I know how you felt. I've had stage fright, too.

LIZ:

I didn't have stage fright.

GEORGE:

Well, then why didn't you get up when the dam broke?

LIZ:

Because when I sat down a strap broke! ... And I'll tell you something else, George Cugat. There's going to be a famous Hollywood director in the audience on opening night and I'll bet you if he sees me, he'll offer me a contract.

GEORGE:

Oh, Liz, stop it. You're talking like a child.

LIZ:

Come on, we'll make a bet. How much?

GEORGE:

Oh, no. No, you don't. This is just a trick so I'll let you be in the play. Well, I have to go to the office, dear. Sorry I had to deprive you of a Hollywood career.

LIZ:

Very funny. What has Betty Grable got that I haven't got? Or Lana Turner?

GEORGE:

Nothing, dear. In fact, you have something they haven't got.

LIZ:

(PLEASED) I have? What?

GEORGE:

Me. ... Well, see you later, dear. If you want me, I'll be at the bank.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS GEORGE EXITS ... RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED

LIZ:

Hello, Ann? Liz. I just spoke to George about being in the play. -- Yes, he put his foot down. Absolutely no. He was really definite about it. (BEAT, LOW AND CONFIDENTIAL) What time are we going to the tryouts? -- (UP) Of course I am! It's a challenge now. If I get the part, think how surprised George will be on opening night, to say nothing of that Hollywood director. -- Who, me? Don't be silly! A Hollywood contract is the last thing in the world I want. I'd just like to show George I could get one if I wanted to. (CHUCKLES) Goodbye, Ann.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN ... CAR HORN HONKS, OFF

KATY:

I'll get the door, Mrs. Cugat. I know that horn. It's Mr. Cartwright.

LIZ:

Good old Corey. Gee, I'm glad he dropped by.

KATY:

Uh, what does Mr. Cartwright do for a living, Mrs. Cugat?

LIZ:

Oh, nothing, Katy. He's just a very eligible bachelor.

KATY:

From what I gather, he chases women for a living. ...

LIZ:

Now, that's not exactly fair, Katy. Women chase him for a living -- only none of them have caught him as yet.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

KATY:

Well, I'll let him in.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

COREY:

Greetings, dear. Heaven's gift to unmarried Young America is here.

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES) Corey Cartwright! Am I glad you dropped by. I want you to help me with something.

COREY:

You know me, Liz. Anything up to murder. And for you, I may go a step farther. (DEEP GANGSTER VOICE) Who do you want me to rub out? (NORMAL VOICE) I mean, er-- Should I say, "Whom do you want me to rub out?"

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES) You're never serious, are you? You'll get married someday. By the way, how's your new girlfriend?

COREY:

Which one?

LIZ:

That little redhead.

COREY:

Which one? ...

LIZ:

Her name was Mary.

COREY:

Which one? ... What was her last name?

LIZ:

What a life you must lead. If I remember, it was Johnson.

COREY:

Mary Johnson? Well, she hasn't called me in ages. I've got her name in my book. (LOOKS IN BOOK) Yes. Yes, here it is. (READS) "Mary Johnson, R-H-R-W."

LIZ:

Would you mind decoding that for me?

COREY:

Not at all. "R-H" -- that means redhead.

LIZ:

Mm hm. What's the other "R" for?

COREY:

Real! ... And the "W" is my kissing guide.

LIZ:

Oh, I get it. "Won't," huh?

COREY:

No.

LIZ:

"Will"?

COREY:

No. "Wow!" ...

LIZ:

You know, you've got more on your girls than the FBI has. Next thing you'll be giving them a loyalty check.

COREY:

Oh, enough about me and amour.

LIZ:

No, no, now wait a minute. If, um--? If you had my name in your book, what would it say?

COREY:

I have.

LIZ:

Oh?

COREY:

Here.

LIZ:

Oh, let's see. (READS SLOWLY) "Liz Cugat, R-H-R--" (SURPRISED) "W"?!

COREY:

Keep going.

LIZ:

"W-I-W-G." Holy cow, what does that mean? ...

COREY:

"Wish I were George."

LIZ:

Ohhhhh! ... Oh, that's sweet, Corey. You're such a good friend.

COREY:

Now what was on your pretty mind when I came in?

LIZ:

Corey, George doesn't want me to be in the play the Young Matrons are putting on, but I want to get a part and show him I can act. Now, if I get a part, will you see that George is out somewhere on the nights I have to go to rehearsals?

COREY:

Sure! It'll be worth it to see the look on his face opening night.

LIZ:

Gee, thanks, Corey. Now I have to rush right down to the tryouts.

COREY:

Oh, me, too. I'm picking up George and we're having lunch with Anatole Brodny.

LIZ:

Well, don't tell him you were here or say anything about-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Who'd you say you were having lunch with?

COREY:

Whom.

LIZ:

All right. Whom is eating lunch with you?

COREY:

Anatole Brodny. He's an old college chum of ours who made good out in Hollywood. You know, I never thought he'd have what it takes. He was a real goof.

LIZ:

Maybe that's what it takes! ... Listen, Corey, try to get George to bring him to the house, will you? If I can make an impression on him in my own home, it'll be half the battle.

COREY:

Well, I'll try, but I don't think George'll go for it.

LIZ:

Well, then you bring him. Promise me you'll try.

COREY:

Okay. Promise.

LIZ:

Thanks, Corey. You're a real pal.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

BUZZ OF WOMEN'S VOICES CHATTERING ... THEN IN BG

MATRON:

Let's come to order, girls! Girls? Girls! To order!

SOUND:

WOMEN'S VOICES GROW QUIET

MATRON:

I'd like you to meet the director of our little show -- (CHUCKLES) -- Miss Worthingill, from the drama department of Sickesly College.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WORTHINGILL:

(OVERLY PEAR-SHAPED, UNNATURAL TONES) How do you do? ... Before we start tryouts, I'd like to tell you about the way I di-rect. I stress nat-ur-al-ness. ... Every word you say must sound rrrrreal, vi-tal, and nat-ur-al. ... How many of us have heard an actress on the stage say to her fiancé, (OVERRIPE) "Darling, I love you"? (SMUG LAUGHTER) How much more believable it would have been to us if she had been nat-ur-al and said, (EXACTLY AS OVERRIPE AS BEFORE) "Darling, I love you"? ...

MATRON:

Isn't she wonderful, Mrs. Cugat?

LIZ:

What? Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

MATRON:

She could have been a great actress.

LIZ:

Oh?

MATRON:

Doesn't she remind you of Cornell?

LIZ:

No, she reminds me of Notre Dame. ...

WORTHINGILL:

Well, now to the parts. We have two main parts. One is a beautiful young girl of eighteen.

SOUND:

WOMEN MURMUR EAGERLY ("Oh, that's just perfect for me." "I think I'm the type." ET CETERA)

WORTHINGILL:

The other part is a young matron of thirty-six.

SOUND:

DEAD SILENCE

WORTHINGILL:

... Ahem. This is the main part.

LIZ:

Oh. (LIGHTLY) Well, I'll try it, but I'll have to be a pretty good actress to portray anyone that old. (CHUCKLES AT LENGTH) ...

WORTHINGILL:

Er, good. ... Let me look at you. Ooh, my dear, you're just the type.

LIZ:

(UNHAPPY) Well, you don't have to get nasty about it. ...

WORTHINGILL:

Now then, here is the scene I want you to read. You are crying your heart out because your lover has left you.

LIZ:

Uh huh.

WORTHINGILL:

Suddenly you hear the bark of a dog!

LIZ:

Oh.

WORTHINGILL:

It is his dog. He has come back.

LIZ:

Uh huh.

WORTHINGILL:

You rrr-run to your lover laugh-ing now as hard as you were crying before. ... You say to him, "Hold me in your arms!" Then, seeing the dog is on the sofa, you say to it: "Leave quickly! You are not supposed to be in here!"

LIZ:

Oh.

WORTHINGILL:

Have you got it?

LIZ:

Yes, yes.

WORTHINGILL:

Now then! You are crying your heart out.

LIZ:

(UNCONVINCING HESITANT MURMUR) ...

WORTHINGILL:

Oh, no. No, no. You'll have to do better than that. I said you are crying your heart out. Like this. (EXTRAVAGANT "HOO-HOO-HOO" WAIL) ...

LIZ:

(LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY AT HER WAIL)

WORTHINGILL:

(PUZZLED, SERIOUS) What are you laughing for?

LIZ:

(HOPEFUL) Because my lover is coming. ...

WORTHINGILL:

We haven't reached that part. I was showing you how to cry.

LIZ:

Oh, I thought that was the dog. ...

WORTHINGILL:

We will continue, but you must practice that crying if you wish to get the part in the final auditions.

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY)

WORTHINGILL:

Now you hear the dog. (SHORT FAST BARKS, LIKE A TINY DOG)

LIZ:

(LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY AT HER BARKING) ...

WORTHINGILL:

(DISAPPROVING) You sound like you just heard a joke. This is a laugh of hysteria -- wild and abandoned. Oooh, you must practice that, too. Now for your lines. Go ahead.

LIZ:

(TOO MELODRAMATIC) Hold me in your arms. (TOO PERKY) Leave quickly! You're not supposed to be in here! ...

WORTHINGILL:

Not bad. Not bad at all. A little practice and I think you'll be a strong contender for the part.

LIZ:

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Worthingill. I'll practice!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

KATY:

Oh, hello, Mr. Cugat. Is there something wrong?

GEORGE:

No, Katy, I just had to run home for some papers I left in the study. Is Mrs. Cugat home?

KATY:

Er, yes. She went out for a while, but she came back and went right into her room and closed the door. Hasn't come out since.

GEORGE:

Hmm. That doesn't sound like her. I hope she isn't sick. We'd better go and see.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS TO LIZ'S DOOR, BRIEFLY BEHIND--

KATY:

Oh, she hasn't looked any too well lately.

GEORGE:

Her door is still closed. I'll just knock--

LIZ:

(FROM BEHIND DOOR, HESITANT MURMURING SOBS ... CONTINUES IN BG, BUILDING SLOWLY)

GEORGE:

What's that? ...

KATY:

(SURPRISED) She's cryin'.

GEORGE:

Oh, the poor kid. I'd better go in and see what's the matter. (UNEASY) Oh, now wait a minute. Let's - let's be sure it's not my fault. (MUSES, TO HIMSELF) Our anniversary is in December. Her birthday is in August. ... Her mother's birthday is in June. No, I'm in the clear.

LIZ:

(BEHIND DOOR, WAILING AND SOBBING EXTRAVAGANTLY NOW) ...

KATY:

(SYMPATHETIC) Oh, she's cryin' her little heart out.

LIZ:

(HITS THE PEAK OF OVER-THE-TOP CRYING) ...

GEORGE:

(SIGHS) Come in with me, Katy. I get all funny when she cries.

LIZ:

(FAST LOUD OUTBURST OF TINY DOG BARKS -- ENDING WITH AN ANTICLIMACTIC "WOOF!") ...

GEORGE:

(STUNNED, TO KATY) Did you hear what I heard?

KATY:

I'm not sure. What did you hear? ...

GEORGE:

It's a dog! She's got a dog in there. Oh, well, she was probably crying because she didn't think I'd let her keep it.

KATY:

Aw, the poor sensitive soul.

LIZ:

(BEHIND DOOR, LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY AT LENGTH) ...

GEORGE:

(EXHALES IN RELIEF) Well, she's all right now. ... That's all it was, Katy. She's got a dog in there.

LIZ:

(BEHIND DOOR, MELODRAMATICALLY) Take me in your arms! ...

GEORGE:

(WORRIED) I'd better go and take a look at that dog! ...

KATY:

(UNEASY) I, er-- I have some work to do.

GEORGE:

Quiet, I don't think she knows we're here.

LIZ:

(BEHIND DOOR, QUICK AND URGENT) Leave quickly. You're not supposed to be here.

GEORGE:

She knows we're here! ...

SOUND:

GEORGE KNOCKS ON DOOR

GEORGE:

(CALLS) Let me in! Liz, let me in, do you hear?

SOUND:

MORE KNOCKING ... LIZ'S DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

(CASUAL, CALM) Hello, George. What's new? ...

GEORGE:

What's new?! What are you doing in here?

LIZ:

Me? Well, I was just sleeping. You woke me up. ...

SOUND:

DURING FOLLOWING, GEORGE MOVES AROUND THE ROOM, SEARCHING IT

GEORGE:

(WHISTLING, TO CALL THE DOG)

LIZ:

What's the matter with you? What are you whistling for?

GEORGE:

(EVASIVE, LIGHTLY) Nothing. Heh. Can't a fella whistle?

LIZ:

Well, what are you looking under the bed for? Did you lose anything?

GEORGE:

Well, I don't know yet. ... What's in the closet, Liz?

LIZ:

You know what's in the closet.

GEORGE:

Well, I'll just take another look.

SOUND:

CLOSET DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

(SURPRISED, PUZZLED) Huh. Nothing but clothes.

LIZ:

What'd you expect to find -- the Toni Twins? ...

GEORGE:

What was going on in here, Liz?

LIZ:

I told you, I was asleep. (IMPROVISES) Maybe I had a nightmare. That's it, I had a nightmare. Or was it a daymare? It's daytime, isn't it?

GEORGE:

(CONVINCED, CONCERNED) Ah, you'd better lie down again, dear. Er, try to get some rest.

LIZ:

Oh, it's nothing, George. You run along, I'll be all right.

GEORGE:

Are you sure?

LIZ:

Mm hm.

GEORGE:

Maybe - maybe I'd better stay home for the rest of the day.

LIZ:

No, no, no, I'll be fine, honest.

GEORGE:

Well, all right. But - but I'll come home early. And - and don't get up. Just rest.

LIZ:

All right, honey. Bye bye.

SOUND:

LIZ'S DOOR CLOSES

GEORGE:

(LOW, TROUBLED) Katy?

KATY:

(APPROACHES) Yes, Mr. Cugat?

GEORGE:

I'm worried about her. I think I'll see a psychiatrist and get some advice.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

RECEPTIONIST:

Dr. Schweinkampf will see you now, Mr. Cugat.

GEORGE:

Thank you.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

SCHWEIN:

(THICK ACCENT) Good afternoon. ...

GEORGE:

Good afternoon, doctor. My name is Cugat.

SCHWEIN:

I see. Lie down, Mr. Cugat. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, it's, er-- It's not for me. It's for someone else.

SCHWEIN:

(HUMORS HIM) Of course. I understand perfectly. (INSISTS) Lie down, Mr. Cugat. ...

GEORGE:

But - but I'm serious. I came to see you about someone else.

SCHWEIN:

Everybody does. (INSISTS) Lie down, Mr. Cugat. ...

GEORGE:

I won't lie down.

SCHWEIN:

(TAUNTS HIM) Xavier!

GEORGE:

My name is George Cugat. ... Can't even carry a tune. Now - now look, doctor, my wife is acting strangely and I want your advice.

SCHWEIN:

Certainly, Mr. Cugat--

GEORGE:

(INTERRUPTS, QUICKLY) And I won't lie down.

SCHWEIN:

As you wish, as you wish. Er, Mr. Cugat--?

GEORGE:

What?

SCHWEIN:

Do you mind if I lie down? ...

GEORGE:

No.

SCHWEIN:

(LYING DOWN) I've always wondered what it was like. Say, it's nice here! After this, I think I'll lie down and let the patient sit up! ... (CHUCKLES) Pardon me, Mr. Coo-gar. What were you saying?

GEORGE:

(SERIOUS) It's Cugat. I want to tell you about my wife.

SCHWEIN:

Uh huh.

GEORGE:

She locks herself in her room.

SCHWEIN:

(AMUSED) Oh, this is very common with married people. ...

GEORGE:

But - but you don't understand. She laughs. Then she cries. Then she barks like a dog!

SCHWEIN:

Well, that's not quite so common. ... In fact, that - that sounds like a serious case of manic depressive psychosis aggravated by alternate canine insanity, er, prompted by a subconscious desire to "put on the dog." ...

GEORGE:

Oh, that - that sounds awful.

SCHWEIN:

Tell me, Mr. Cugat, do you have a large income?

GEORGE:

Oh, I - I do moderately well. I'm fifth vice president of a bank.

SCHWEIN:

Oh, very interesting.

GEORGE:

Well, do you think that has an effect on my wife?

SCHWEIN:

No, but it will have an effect on my bill! ... I'll tell you what I want to do, Mr. Cugat. I don't want to alarm your wife. I'd like to see her in her home environment. Why don't you call her up and tell her you are bringing a friend home, eh? A business acquaintance. I'll come over this evening. If you like, I'll come for dinner.

GEORGE:

(PUZZLED) You'll - come to dinner?

SCHWEIN:

(EAGERLY) Oh, thank you, I'll be glad to come! ...

GEORGE:

All right, doctor. Anything you say.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP ... GEORGE'S VOICE ON FILTER

LIZ:

Hello?

GEORGE:

Hello, dear. How are you, honey?

LIZ:

Oh, I'm fine.

GEORGE:

Dear, I, er-- I'm bringing a friend home for dinner. An old college chum. Will it be all right?

LIZ:

Oh, an old college chum? Well, of course, dear. What's his name?

GEORGE:

Oh-- Uh-- Er-- Uh, Art Jones.

LIZ:

Oh.

GEORGE:

Well, we'll see you later, dear.

LIZ:

All right. Bye-bye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

LIZ:

(CALLS) Katy! (TO HERSELF) Oh, I can see his little game. (UP) Katy?

KATY:

(APPROACHES) Yes, Mrs. Cugat?

LIZ:

There'll be one extra for dinner, Katy. (CONFIDENTIALLY) My husband thinks he's going to play a little trick on me.

KATY:

He does?

LIZ:

Yes. He's bringing a big Hollywood director home, only he wants me to think he's somebody else. Then tomorrow he'll lord it over me and say. "See? A Hollywood director in your own home, all to yourself all evening, and you didn't make any impression." That's what he thinks. No impression, eh? I'm gonna make a dent!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

GEORGE:

Well, here we are, doctor.

SCHWEIN:

Now, one moment before we go in. Don't be nervous, Mr. Nugat.

GEORGE:

That's Cugat. ...

SCHWEIN:

(DISMISSIVE) It doesn't matter. ... Now, don't worry if she seems to act normal. I can tell her condition by subtle little actions and movements. Er, don't do anything to arouse her.

GEORGE:

All right. Here we go.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

(CALLS) Liz? Liz?! (BEAT) Oh. Oh, there you are. Er, Liz, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine. Er, Art Jones.

SCHWEIN:

How do you do, Mrs. Cugat?

LIZ:

(SULTRY FEMME FATALE) Hello, boys. ... Say, I'm certainly glad you came up to see me.

GEORGE:

What? ...

LIZ:

How about a drink, boys?

GEORGE:

Now, Liz, please.

LIZ:

There's a sofa over there, Mr. Jones. Why don't you get out of that hard chair and slip into something more comfortable? ...

GEORGE:

Well, maybe Mr. Jones likes that chair, darling.

LIZ:

(SUDDENLY MELODRAMATIC) Darling?! Now you call me darling! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) But what am I when we're alone? Your slave! You beat me with a cane and push my poor broken body down the stairs! ... Ohhhhh, I don't care for myself, but you push the children after me!

GEORGE:

The children? I did not!

LIZ:

Then where are they? ... (WEEPY, EVEN MORE MELODRAMATIC) Oh, I can't stand it -- putting on this sham in front of your friends. I'm leaving! Leaving this life of hypocrisy! Leaving, do you hear? (LAUGHS MANIACALLY AS SHE EXITS, RE-ENTERS, AND THEN EXITS AGAIN) ...

GEORGE:

(BEAT, SOBERLY) Well, doctor? What do you think?

SCHWEIN:

(CARRIED AWAY WITH THE MELODRAMA) Don't speak to me, you cad! ...

GEORGE:

Now, wait a minute--!

SCHWEIN:

(CALMLY) Well, I - I - I would suggest that you come to see me every day, Mr. Cugat. ... You have a serious condition.

GEORGE:

I tell you, this is ridiculous. We have no children. (SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS) She's making this all up. Oh, wait a minute till I get the door.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

(IN AN OLD LADY'S QUAVERY GOATLIKE VOICE) Vi-o-lets?! Will you buy a poor old lady's violets, sonny? I haven't eaten in three weeks.

GEORGE:

Liz, you sound like a goat! ... Now, take that shawl off your head and come in here.

SCHWEIN:

Just a moment, sir. (DEEPLY MOVED BY LIZ'S PERFORMANCE) Here you are, old lady: fifty cents. Keep it. ...

LIZ:

(EVEN MORE GOATLIKE) Blessings on you, sir. (MOVING OFF) Baaa!-lessings, baaa!-lessings.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES AS LIZ EXITS

SCHWEIN:

... I apologize, Mr. Cugat.

GEORGE:

Now things sound different, don't they?

SCHWEIN:

Oh, yah, yah. You should both come to see me. ... Now-now-now quickly. You have a maid?

GEORGE:

Yes.

SCHWEIN:

Well, ring for the maid. We're gonna find out how your wife has been acting around the house today.

GEORGE:

Well, I am ringing. I don't know why she doesn't answer. Oh, darn this bell. Maybe it's broken.

SOUND:

INNER DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

(APPROACHES, COCKNEY ACCENT) All right, all right, I'm comin', guv'nor. Don't get hot about it.

GEORGE:

Oh, no! ... Liz, stop this! It's ridiculous!

LIZ:

(COCKNEY) Oh, you don't like me as a Cockney, eh? Well, perhaps you'd like me better as a South Sea island native!

GEORGE:

Liz, get up off the floor! What are you doing?!

LIZ:

(DEEP SLOW SEXY VOICE) Me Tondeleyo! ...

GEORGE:

That does it.

LIZ:

Me love white man. You don't love me?

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

GEORGE:

Ohhh-- Me answer doorbell. ...

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

COREY:

Well, here's Cartwright, a man of his word!

GEORGE:

Oh, hello, Corey.

COREY:

Uh, where's Liz?

GEORGE:

Over there on the floor. ...

COREY:

Oh, yes. (PUZZLED) Well, I - I don't know what you're doing on the floor, Liz, but let me present this fellow with me. Mrs. George Cugat -- Anatole Brodny.

LIZ:

(NORMAL VOICE) I'm pleased to-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Anatole Brodny?! (SHRIEKS) Then who's this character?

SCHWEIN:

Allow me to present myself, Mrs. Cugat. Rheinhold Schweinkampf, psychiatrist.

LIZ:

(FAINTS) Oooooh!

SOUND:

BODY THUDS TO FLOOR

GEORGE:

Oh, help me with her, Corey. She's fainted.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

PHONE DIALED ... PHONE RINGS AND IS ANSWERED (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE) ... GEORGE'S VOICE ON FILTER

GEORGE:

Hello?

WORTHINGILL:

(OVERLY PEAR-SHAPED TONES) Hello, may I speak to Mrs. Cugat, please?

GEORGE:

Er, Mrs. Cugat is upstairs resting. This is her husband. May I help you?

WORTHINGILL:

This is Mrs. Worthingill, the di-rector of the young matrons' play. I called to tell Mrs. Cugat that she got the main part. Con-grat-u-lations, Mr. Cugat.

GEORGE:

Well, I - I think you'd better forget about my wife for that part, Mrs. Worthingill. After the experience she had tonight, she assured me she has given up the theater for good.

WORTHINGILL:

Oh, that's too bad.

GEORGE:

Well, goodbye, Mrs. Worthingill.

WORTHINGILL:

Goodbye, Mr. Cugat.

SOUND:

ON FILTER, GEORGE HANGS UP ... THEN LIZ'S VOICE ON FILTER INSTANTLY

LIZ:

(LOW AND URGENT) Mrs. Worthingill! Mrs. Worthingill!

WORTHINGILL:

What? Hello?

LIZ:

This is Liz Cugat. I've been listening on the telephone upstairs in the bedroom.

WORTHINGILL:

Oh, then you heard what your husband said?

LIZ:

Yes, but don't pay any attention to it! I'll see you at rehearsal in the morning.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNCR:

It's easy to take a chance just once. It's easy, when you're behind the steering wheel, to tell yourself it's okay this one time to cheat the traffic laws or safety rules just a little bit. You can talk yourself into such a decision in about the time it takes to slide past a stop sign .. or the time it takes to dash onto a grade crossing with a train approaching -- or the time it takes to start around another car on a hill, or the time it takes to challenge another driver for the right-of-way at an intersection. Yes, such a decision is a matter of seconds. But says the National Safety Council, that is enough time for an accident to happen!

And accidents do have a way of happening that one time when you're sure they won't. Sometimes you get by with taking a chance. But, sometimes you don't. Drive safely, don't gamble with lives.

MUSIC

LIZ:

(SLEEPILY) George. Gee-oorrr--ggge.

GEORGE:

Me sleeping.

LIZ:

Oh George. Wake up and speak to me.

GEORGE:

(COCKNEY) I'd like to, Lady. But I'm so tired, y'know.

LIZ:

Well -- if you won't talk to me -- kiss me.

GEORGE:

(OLD MAN) I'm an old man. I don't go in for that kind of stuff.

LIZ:

(OLD LADY) You could kiss an old lady like me. It wouldn't hurt you none. (NATURAL) Kiss me, George, speak to me in the language of love.

GEORGE:

Allright. C'm here.

LIZ:

MMmmmmmmmmmmMMmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMM! (LAZILY) Was that the language of love?

GEORGE:

Uh huh.

LIZ:

Don't say anything, George, let's just talk!

MUSIC:

THEME

(APPLAUSE)

 

LEMOND:

You have just heard "My Favorite Husband"...starring LUCILLE BALL with RICHARD DENNING.

Also heard in tonight's cast were JOHN HIESTAND, RUTH PERROTT, HANS CONRIED, BEA BENEDERET AND RUTH RICHABY. The program was produced and directed by GORDON T. HUGHES. Script was by Jess Oppenheimer.

Original music was by MARLIN SKILES and was conducted by WILBUR HATCH.

LUCILLE BALL will soon be seen in the Paramount picture "Sorrowful Jones."

Stay tuned to CBS for the Camel Caravan with Vaughn Monroe, a sparkling half hour musical featuring the week's most popular tunes, as determined by Variety. The vocal group known as the Moon Maids will assist popular bandleader and singer, Vaughn Monroe, in presenting this music you've made a must--on the Camel Caravan, which follows immediately over most of these CBS stations. Bob Lemond speaking...

MUSIC:

OUT

LEMOND:

THIS IS CBS...THE COLUMBIA...BROADCASTING SYSTEM.