ANNOUNCER:

Colgate Dental Cream, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay, and Palmolive Shave Cream, for a smoother, more comfortable way to shave, bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden!

MUSIC:

THEME

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

It's time once again for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS, under the direction of Al Lewis. Well, in the daily life of our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, teaching itself only takes up a portion of her time. This leaves a number of free hours each day to pursue an outside interest.

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) But it doesn't leave quite enough free hours -- especially since my outside interest refuses to stand still long enough for me to drop a net over him. ... In fact, lately, I've even considered taking up another outside activity besides Mr. Boynton. Like the one my landlady began recently. Mrs. Davis was quite reticent about her hobby until last Wednesday morning at breakfast when she gave me a broad hint.

DAVIS:

Notice anything different about the table this morning, Connie?

BROOKS:

Well, the big catsup stain in front of my place is gone. ...

DAVIS:

It's under your egg cup, dear. ... Guess again.

BROOKS:

Oh, of course! The big bowl of apples in the center. What a delicious display.

DAVIS:

I'm glad you like it, Connie. It's a hat.

BROOKS:

What? ... Who designed it -- William Tell? ...

DAVIS:

No, I did. You probably don't know this, but years ago I used to design hats like mad.

BROOKS:

Why, you mad hatter, you. ... I never would have suspected. You seem so normal -- in some other respects. ...

DAVIS:

Well, I haven't had the yen in years, but last week my brother Victor sent me some samples of the material his firm makes and-- You know my brother Victor, don't you?

BROOKS:

I've heard you speak of him quite often.

DAVIS:

(CHUCKLES) He's a peculiar man, Victor. Rather a slow-moving type of fella, but once he gets interested in something he follows right through. The last couple of years he's been up to his ears in plastics.

BROOKS:

No wonder he's slow-moving. ... But what has plastic got to do with your designing hats again?

DAVIS:

That's what they're made of. I'll bet you've never even noticed that this is really two hats in one.

BROOKS:

Two in one?

DAVIS:

Yes. Worn this way, it looks like a bowl of apples. But when you turn it around like this, it's a sparrow. ...

BROOKS:

Well, what a novel idea. If you're out with a man you like, you tempt him with an apple. And if your date is a drip, he gets the bird. ...

DAVIS:

I've got four of them all made up so far. They should be easy to sell with Mother's Day coming this Sunday.

BROOKS:

Well, I don't know, Mrs. Davis. They're a bit unusual for popular consumption, I'm afraid.

DAVIS:

Not if they're presented right, Connie. And that's where you come in. I want you to help me sell them at school.

BROOKS:

Me?

DAVIS:

Yes. If you sell all four of them, I'll deduct half of the back rent you owe me.

BROOKS:

Oh?

DAVIS:

And it shouldn't be difficult to sell them. It isn't as if they were hard to move.

BROOKS:

Not if the wind is right. ... Of course, if I could reduce my debt to you, that--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

BROOKS:

Oh, that must be Walter Denton. He's driving me down to school. (CALLS) Come on in, Walter!

DAVIS:

Try to sell him one for his mother, Connie. (MOVING OFF) I'll get into the kitchen and rustle up some goodies for Walter's inner man.

BROOKS:

Better get some for his outer man, too. ...

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... WALTER'S STEPS IN

WALTER:

Greetings to the brightest star in the scholastic firmament! ...

BROOKS:

It's a little early for me to twinkle, Walter, but sit down. You're going to have a bit of breakfast with us, aren't you?

WALTER:

Well, I might be persuaded to partake of a wee morsel, if you coax me. ...

BROOKS:

And if I don't coax you?

WALTER:

You couldn't be that cruel. ...

BROOKS:

All right then, what'll it be? French toast? Eggs? Griddle cake?

WALTER:

Fine. ...

BROOKS:

(CALLS) Mrs. Davis?

DAVIS:

(OFF) Yes, Connie?

BROOKS:

Walter's here. Vacuum the kitchen and bring in the bag. ...

DAVIS:

(OFF) I'm cooking up a giant omelet for him, dear.

BROOKS:

He's the "little giant" that can eat it.

WALTER:

You know, I don't know what's happening at home, but my mother just doesn't seem to be making the breakfasts she used to.

BROOKS:

Well, maybe she's just worn out.

WALTER:

Well, she does cook an awful lot of meals for us.

BROOKS:

Of course she does, Walter. And while we're on the subject, how much thought have you given to her Mother's Day gift?

WALTER:

Oh, quite a bit. And I've come up with something that should show her how grateful I am for all she's done for me. I'm going to get her a present that'll make her forget the many menial and arduous tasks she performs in my behalf.

BROOKS:

What's the present?

WALTER:

A bottle of Sweetaire for the kitchen. ... What do you think of the idea, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

It smells. ... I mean, it smells very pleasant.

WALTER:

Of course, I'd like to get her something else, too, but, on my allowance, unless my dad chips in, I couldn't afford much.

BROOKS:

Walter, I have a suggestion for a gift that your dad will be happy to chip in for. Just look at the center of this table.

WALTER:

(STARTLED) Holy cow! Is it alive?! ...

BROOKS:

Certainly not. It happens to be a woman's hat.

WALTER:

A woman's hat? (HIGH-PITCHED HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) ... What?! You're joking, of course. ...

BROOKS:

Joking nothing. I'm wearing it to school this morning.

WALTER:

Say, that'd make a wonderful decoration for our dining room table at home! Mother always likes to have something gay and colorful in the center of the table.

BROOKS:

(DRY) That's what I say. It would make a wonderful decoration for your dining room table at home.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

TEX:

Wait up a minute, Miss Brooks!

BROOKS:

Who's that?

TEX:

It's me -- Tex Barton. Howdy, ma'am.

BROOKS:

(WITH TEXAS ACCENT) Howdy, Tex. ...

TEX:

You seem in a hurry, ma'am. Why, when I flagged you, you was a-barrelin' across this campus like a dogie that just smelled a brandin' iron. ...

BROOKS:

Well, it's not that bad. Although I do have to see Mr. Conklin before class.

TEX:

Well, I-- (STARTLED) Glory be to Sam Houston!

BROOKS:

And hallelujah to Dave Dallas. What's up? ...

TEX:

Miss Brooks, have you any idea of the activity that's a-goin' on up there in the upper reaches of your anatomy?

BROOKS:

What?!

TEX:

Skin me for a lizard if there ain't a sparrow eatin' apples off'n your skull. ...

BROOKS:

Well now, calm down, Tex. This is just a new style of hat.

TEX:

A hat? Well, you coulda fooled me.

BROOKS:

By the way, Mother's Day is just around the corner. Have you decided on a gift for your mother yet?

TEX:

I've been thinkin' a lot about that, Miss Brooks, but it's kind of tough to figure out what'd please Mom.

BROOKS:

Maybe I can help you.

TEX:

I doubt it, ma'am. For Christmas, Pa and I got her some brand new ridin' boots and stirrups; and for her birthday, we got her a pair of chaps and a Stetson; and for Easter, we decked her out in a spankin' new box of saddle soap. ... So y'see, she's got just about everything a normal woman needs. ...

BROOKS:

A normal woman who's competing in a rodeo, you mean. ... Look, Tex, a hat like the one I'm wearing would make a lovely gift and it's only ten dollars.

TEX:

It sure is flashy, Miss Brooks, and Pa and I could afford that much, but there's a couple of things that have to be done to it first.

BROOKS:

For instance?

TEX:

Well, do you think you could make two holes in it?

BROOKS:

Holes?

TEX:

Yeah, uh huh. So's her ears could come through. ...

BROOKS:

So her ears could come through? Tex, your mother must have a very low forehead.

TEX:

Why, I wouldn't give it to my mother, Miss Brooks. I'd just be gettin' it for my mother to give to Lucy.

BROOKS:

Lucy?

TEX:

She's our horse. ... She sure will look beautiful in it.

BROOKS:

I'm sure she will, Tex. You can pick up the hat at Mrs. Davis's today.

TEX:

Today? When would be a good time, ma'am?

BROOKS:

The same time you leave the ten dollars.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

HARRIET:

But, Daddy, please be reasonable! There isn't time for me to pick out your Mother's Day gift.

CONKLIN:

I didn't ask you into my office to argue, Harriet. I should think you'd want to see your mother receive a nice present.

HARRIET:

I do, daddy -- and I'm getting her one with most of my allowance. But your gift to her is something else again. She always expects something outstanding.

CONKLIN:

Well, obviously, my dear. She married me, didn't she? ...

HARRIET:

Yes, but about other things she's pretty particular. ... I mean-- Well, I wouldn't mind selecting something for you, but you always insist that I find a bargain.

CONKLIN:

There's nothing wrong with being frugal, Harriet. It's a--

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

CONKLIN:

Come in!

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS ... BROOKS' STEPS IN

BROOKS:

Good morning, Mr. Conklin. Hello, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Hi, Miss Brooks!

CONKLIN:

Hello, Miss-- (STARTLED) Good grief! Something has alighted on your head! ...

BROOKS:

But, Mr. Conklin, this is--

CONKLIN:

Don't stand there, Harriet! Get a net! ... Maybe we can trap it for our "Nature Study" group. ...

BROOKS:

It happens to be a hat, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Oh.

HARRIET:

It's very exciting, Miss Brooks. Now, if you'll excuse me, Daddy--

CONKLIN:

(STERN) Very well, but I'll talk to you later, Miss Important.

HARRIET:

(SAD) Bye, Miss Brooks.

SOUND:

HARRIET'S STEPS AWAY ... OFFICE DOOR CLOSES

BROOKS:

Mr. Conklin, knowing how fond of brevity you are, I'll come right to the point of my visit. Sunday is Mother's Day. How would you like to buy a hat like this for Mrs. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

For Mrs. Conklin?

BROOKS:

Yes. Don't you think she deserves something like this?

CONKLIN:

(CONCEDES) Well, she has been a source of great irritation on occasion. ... (DECISIVE) No. No, I'm not interested, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

If I can sell one of these hats, it will help get me out of debt, Mr. Conklin. Besides, it's a real bargain.

CONKLIN:

I'm sorry, I'm definitely not in the-- (QUIET DOUBLE TAKE) Did you say a bargain, Miss Brooks? ...

BROOKS:

Yes, sir. Much cheaper than you can get it on the open market.

CONKLIN:

(SUSPICIOUS) Where did you get it?

BROOKS:

Let's just say I have "access," Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

(BEAT, LOW, CONFIDENTIAL) These hats aren't "hot," are they? ...

BROOKS:

(LOW, CONFIDENTIAL) Hottest thing in town. ... (UP) Oh, you mean stolen! No, sir, they're not stolen. Although you could call them a steal at ten dollars each.

CONKLIN:

Ten dollars?! For a few apples and a small sparrow?! ...

BROOKS:

It's evident, Mr. Conklin, that you haven't heard how meat and fruit have gone up. ... But think of how exclusive this hat is.

CONKLIN:

Well, for my wife, it would have to be, Miss Brooks. She has an absolute fanatic approach on individualized apparel. She wouldn't be caught dead in anything that even resembled what someone else was wearing.

BROOKS:

Mr. Conklin, when it comes to this hat, I give you my unqualified guarantee.

CONKLIN:

You do?

BROOKS:

Absolutely. Believe me, she won't be caught dead in it. ...

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE

SINGERS:

Brush your teeth with Colgate's!
Colgate Dental Cream!
It cleans your breath--

BASS:

What a toothpaste!

SINGERS:

--while it cleans your teeth!

BASS:

Colgate Toothpaste!

SINGERS:

Cleans your breath--

BASS:

What a toothpaste!

SINGERS:

--while it cleans your teeth!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Colgate Dental Cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth! And the Colgate way stops tooth decay best!

2ND ANNCR:

Yes, the Colgate way is the most thoroughly proved and accepted home method of all hygiene known today! Over two years' research showed brushing teeth right after eating with Colgate Dental Cream helps stop more decay for more people than ever before recorded in dentifrice history. The Colgate way stopped tooth decay best!

ANNOUNCER:

No other dentifrice, ammoniated or not, offers such conclusive proof. And you should know that Colgate's, while not mentioned by name, was the only toothpaste used in the research on tooth decay recently reported in Reader's Digest.

2ND ANNCR:

So always follow the Colgate way to clean your breath while you clean your teeth -- and stop tooth decay best!

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE

SINGERS:

Brush your teeth with Colgate's!
Colgate Dental Cream!
It cleans your breath--

BASS:

What a toothpaste!

SINGERS:

--while it cleans your teeth!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And the Colgate way stops tooth decay best!

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT BEHIND--

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) Well, by the time I was to meet Mr. Boynton at lunch, I had sold three of the four hats Mrs. Davis had made up: one to Walter Denton for his mother, to be used as a table centerpiece; one to Tex Barton for his horse, to be used as an eyeshade; ... and one to Mr. Conklin for his wife, to be used -- of all things -- as a hat. ... I had the sample hat on when Mr. Boynton came over to our table.

BOYNTON:

Hello, Miss Brooks. Sorry I'm late; I couldn't get here any sooner.

BROOKS:

That's all right, Mr. Boynton. Put down your tray.

SOUND:

TRAY PUT DOWN ON TABLE

BOYNTON:

Thank you.

SOUND:

SCRAPE OF CHAIR AS BOYNTON SITS

BROOKS:

Notice anything different about me today?

BOYNTON:

Different? Let's see. (MILDLY OFFENDED) Well, for heaven's sake, I apologized for being late. You oughtn't to go to such lengths to chide me about it.

BROOKS:

(PUZZLED) To chide you?

BOYNTON:

Well, yes. After all, this is a public eating place; you shouldn't balance your dessert on your head. ...

BROOKS:

Dessert? Mr. Boynton, this happens to be a hat.

SOUND:

CRASH! OF KNIFE DROPPED BY STARTLED BOYNTON

BOYNTON:

(RECOVERS, APOLOGETIC) I'm sorry, Miss Brooks; I'm afraid I dropped my cutlery.

BROOKS:

You should be more careful, Mr. Boynton. ... That knife might have dented your meat loaf. ... Oh, I - I'm sorry I frightened you so.

BOYNTON:

Oh, I - I should be used to sights like this. When I was a kid, my mother always had some fantastic creations around the house.

BROOKS:

Really? How many brothers and sisters did you have? ... Oh, you mean hats. Well, may I remind you, Mr. Boynton, that Mother's Day will soon be with us?

BOYNTON:

Well, so will my mother. ... Yes, she's coming down this afternoon to stay through the weekend. Unfortunately, Dad has to stay home on business, but Mom and I are gonna have a high old time.

BROOKS:

Have you made all of your plans for celebrating the holiday, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

(WITH QUIET ENTHUSIASM) Yes, indeed. Oh, it's gonna be one mad whirl for the both of us. I've got a four-day itinerary all mapped out.

BROOKS:

Oh? What are you going to do?

BOYNTON:

Well, on Thursday I thought I'd show Mom the new wing of our public library; Friday we'll do the museum of natural history; and - and Saturday we'll have a go at the botanical gardens! ...

BROOKS:

(IRONIC) Wow! ...

BOYNTON:

Well, there's not gonna be any let-up in the evenings either. If we're not playing chess or checkers, I'll whip out the old domino set. ... By the way, can you think of anything that might add to the merriment, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Yes, but I think the morgue is closed on weekends. ... That is, I do have a suggestion that might be quite a surprise for your mother.

BOYNTON:

Oh? What is it?

BROOKS:

Why don't you get her a nice hat? You said yourself that she used to like unique hats.

BOYNTON:

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry, Miss Brooks, I'm not interested.

BROOKS:

Oh, that's too bad, Mr. Boynton. It's a real bargain.

BOYNTON:

Well, I'd like to get her something, of course, but this is just out of-- (QUIET DOUBLE TAKE) Did you say a bargain? ...

BROOKS:

(PLEASED, TO HERSELF) Never misses. ...

BOYNTON:

Where did you get the hat, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

The truth is, I'm disposing of them for Mrs. Davis. They're only ten dollars apiece.

BOYNTON:

(CHOKES) Ten dollars apiece?!

BROOKS:

Get your jaw out of the potatoes and I'll make it nine-fifty. ...

BOYNTON:

I - I guess we could arrive at some sort of a deal, Miss Brooks, but there's one thing of which I must be certain.

BROOKS:

What's that?

BOYNTON:

Well, that my mother doesn't see any other woman wearing a hat like it. Mom's a fanatic on individualized apparel.

BROOKS:

I'll sell her the very one I'm modeling today, Mr. Boynton. Bring her over to my place about eight-thirty tonight and we'll surprise her with it.

BOYNTON:

All right, but you're sure now that she'll be the only woman to have this particular hat?

BROOKS:

(CAREFULLY) While she's in town, your mother will be the only woman - seen - wearing - this particular hat.

BOYNTON:

Good. ... I'm gonna get myself some dessert now, Miss Brooks. Would you like me to bring something back for you?

BROOKS:

Yes, I would, Mr. Boynton. I'd like a Coke. The five-cent size will do.

BOYNTON:

(AWKWARD PAUSE AS HE WAITS FOR NICKEL) Very well.

BROOKS:

(AWKWARD PAUSE) That's all I want right now, Mr. Boynton. ...

BOYNTON:

(AWKWARD PAUSE) Okay. ...

BROOKS:

(RELUCTANTLY) Oh. Here.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF NICKEL ON TABLE ...

BOYNTON:

Thanks, I'll just be a minute, Miss Brooks. ...

BROOKS:

Take your time, Sporty. ... (TO HERSELF) Somebody's got to teach him that money isn't everything -- especially my money. ... Ah, well.

CONKLIN:

(APPROACHES) Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. I thought I'd find you here. May I speak with you for a moment?

BROOKS:

Oh, of course, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Thank you, thank you.

SOUND:

CHAIR SCRAPE AS CONKLIN SITS

CONKLIN:

Now about that hat I agreed to buy for my wife. I want it to be a complete surprise. She mustn't see it until Sunday.

BROOKS:

I'll say she mustn't. ... I mean, it wouldn't be a surprise if she did.

CONKLIN:

Now, there's one important factor we overlooked in our discussion this morning, Miss Brooks. I neglected to give you my wife's measurements.

BROOKS:

Well, I'll take them right now. How far apart are your wife's ears? ...

CONKLIN:

How far apart are her ears?

BROOKS:

Sorry -- that was another customer. ... What is her head size?

CONKLIN:

Well, I don't know, but I'll find out this afternoon and check with you at home this evening. What would be a good time?

BROOKS:

After midnight. ... That is, anytime, sir -- anytime at all. (NERVOUSLY, RAPIDLY) Now you must have many more important things to do and I'll be happy to excuse you, sir, if you really have to dash away. I know how those things are; I've had things to do myself; I'm expecting someone--

CONKLIN:

(WITH DIGNITY) Uh, Miss - Miss Brooks-- ... I don't quite comprehend this conversational Saint Vitus Dance you're indulging in, ... but if you're always this nervous during mealtime, it's a wonder you haven't got an ulcer.

BROOKS:

Oh, I had an ulcer Mr. Conklin. I had a nice big one two years after I began teaching school.

CONKLIN:

You did? How did you get rid of it?

BROOKS:

I just couldn't afford to keep it. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

DAVIS:

I don't know what you're so jittery about, Connie. Everything's gone swimmingly so far. Walter Denton picked up the hat for his mother during lunch period--

BROOKS:

I know, Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS:

--and Tex Barton came over right after school to get the specially prepared one you phoned me about. (BEAT) My goodness, but his mother must have long ears. ...

BROOKS:

You ought to see his mother's mane. I mean, those aren't the ones I'm jittery about. It's Mr. Conklin and Mr. Boynton. I promised them both that they were buying a completely original creation.

DAVIS:

Well, they are that, Connie. The fact that they're identical shouldn't bother you. After all, Mrs. Boynton will be leaving town right after Mother's Day.

BROOKS:

Yes, but Mr. Boynton's bringing her here tonight to pick it up and Mr. Conklin will want his wife's hat as soon as he gives me her measurements. But if he runs into Mrs. Boynton anywhere before Sunday--

DAVIS:

Now, now -- calm down, dear, calm down. When do you expect the Boyntons?

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

BROOKS:

(STARTLED) Now! ... (CALMER) Now.

DAVIS:

Well, I'll go make some tea and you let them in. (MOVING OFF) Mrs. Boynton's hat is right on the hall table, Connie.

BROOKS:

Thanks.

SOUND:

BROOKS' STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS

BOYNTON:

Well, here we are, Miss Brooks. You remember my mother.

BROOKS:

I'll never forget her. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) ... Hello, Mrs. Boynton. Come in -- for a second. ...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--

MRS. B:

How are you, Connie? It's been ages since I've seen you.

BOYNTON:

Mom couldn't wait to see her surprise, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Oh, then I'll get it for her right away. Meanwhile, just help yourself to some fruit on the hall table. That is, as soon as the sparrow gets through helping himself. ... That is, here's your new hat! How do you like it?

MRS. B:

(UNCERTAIN) Well, it's certainly different.

BROOKS:

Oh, I knew you'd love it. (RAPIDLY) Well, now that you've seen it, I don't want to keep you and Mr. Boynton another minute. You must have lots to talk over, so don't stand on ceremony, just toddle along and I'll see you later in the week. Byyyyyye! (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) ...

BOYNTON:

We're really in no great rush, Miss Brooks. ...

MRS. B:

As a matter of fact, Philip suggested that we might spend the evening with you.

BROOKS:

(STARTLED) Oops! ...

BOYNTON:

I told Mom you'd jump at the idea. ...

MRS. B:

I thought we'd play a few games of checkers, Connie. I'll never forget how exciting it was the last time we played. There was one crowning after another.

BROOKS:

You ain't seen nothing yet. ... But I'm afraid I can't ask you to stay for checkers, Mrs. Boynton. Mrs. Davis has a splitting headache.

BOYNTON:

But, Miss Brooks, how could a game of checkers disturb Mrs. Davis?

BROOKS:

Please, Mr. Boynton! If you were lying down with a headache, how would you like to hear someone constantly jumping in the next room? ... Now if you'll just excuse--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

MRS. B:

Oh, that's the doorbell, isn't it? Maybe Miss Brooks has another engagement, Philip. Perhaps we'd better be leaving.

BROOKS:

I wouldn't think of letting you budge from this house! Mr. Boynton, I insist that you take your mother into the living room and let her try on her checkerboard-- Her fruit bowl-- ... Here, take it with you, dear. There's a wonderful mirror near the piano.

MRS. B:

Well, if you're sure--

BROOKS:

Never been surer. Go along, Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Very well. It's right this way, Mother.

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS AWAY ... LIVING ROOM DOOR CLOSES ... BROOKS' HURRIED STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS

WALTER:

Hi, Miss Brooks!

BROOKS:

Walter?! What are you doing here? It's twelve hours until breakfast. ...

WALTER:

I had to bring the hat back, Miss Brooks. (BEAT) Aren't you gonna ask me in?

BROOKS:

Not if I can help it. ...

WALTER:

Well, I'll only be a minute; it's important.

BROOKS:

All right, but please hurry.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

BROOKS:

What's the trouble, Walter?

WALTER:

Well, I showed my dad this hat you sold us for a centerpiece, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

And he didn't like it?

WALTER:

No, he's crazy about it! But he wants a slight change made. He says if you wire it up so we can use it as a lamp, he'll give you an extra three dollars. ...

BROOKS:

(DRY) If he'll make it five dollars, I'll put in a motor and he can drive it to work. ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

BROOKS:

Please, Walter, get into the dining room immediately! Take the hat with you, quick!

WALTER:

Yeah, but, Miss Brooks--

BROOKS:

I'll explain later. Get going!

WALTER:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, but I wish I knew what was happening around here.

SOUND:

DINING ROOM DOOR CLOSES ... BROOKS' HURRIED STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS

CONKLIN:

Good evening, Miss Brooks. Well, I've got my wife's head measurements on this sheet of paper.

BROOKS:

(CHEERFUL) Thanks, Mr. Conklin, good night. ...

CONKLIN:

Just - just a moment. There are a few things I have to tell you.

BROOKS:

(RESIGNED) Yes, sir. Come in.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

CONKLIN:

Thank you. I got these measurements from the milliner with whom my wife does quite a large business--

BOYNTON:

(ENTERS) Pardon me. Mom would like a drink of water. (SURPRISED) Oh, hello, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Oh, hello, Boynton.

MRS. B:

(ENTERS) I'll get it myself if you just tell me-- Oh, I didn't know someone was with you, Connie.

BROOKS:

Oh, there isn't. It's just Mr. Conklin. ... This is Mrs. Boynton, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

How do you do, Mrs.--? (OUTRAGED) What is she doing with my wife's hat on her head?!

BOYNTON:

Your wife's hat, Mr. Conklin?

MRS. B:

(ALSO OUTRAGED) Philip, you didn't buy me the same hat Mr. Conklin bought for his wife, did you?

BOYNTON:

Oh, I didn't intend to, Mother. Miss Brooks, what seems to have happened?

BROOKS:

(TO HERSELF) Shouldn't happen to a sparrow. ... (TO ALL) Look, folks, there's been a slight mix-up, but I'm sure it'll come out all right by Mother's Day. After all, there are only two of you wearing the hats and you won't be seen together any place.

MRS. B:

(CONCEDES) Well, that's true enough.

CONKLIN:

(ALSO CONCEDES) You do have a point there.

SOUND:

DINING ROOM DOOR OPENS

WALTER:

(ENTERS) There's no air in that dining room, Miss Brooks. I-- Oh! I didn't know you had company.

BOYNTON:

(TO MRS. B) Oh, this is Walter Denton, one of our pupils, Mother. Walter, this is my mother.

MRS. B:

Glad to know you, Walter.

WALTER:

Same here, Mrs. Boynton. I-- Say, what are you doing with my mother's centerpiece on your head? ...

CONKLIN:

Your mother's centerpiece, Denton?

WALTER:

Oh, hello, Mr. Conklin. Yeah, my dad and I are gonna have it changed into a lamp before we give it to her, though. See, we'll put the wire right through here and then we'll take--

CONKLIN:

(OUTRAGED AGAIN) So, Miss Brooks! ... My wife and Mrs. Boynton are the only two people with these "original creations"! I'd give a lot to know just who else is wearing these assembly line specials! ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

BROOKS:

Oh, dear. (CALLS) Who is it?

HORSE:

(SNUFFLES, THEN NEIGHS MIGHTILY)

BROOKS:

Oh, no! ...

CONKLIN:

What is that?! ...

BOYNTON:

It - it sounded like a horse.

BROOKS:

(QUICKLY) That's just what it is. Our milkman's horse. You see, the milkman is sick, so the horse is making the rounds alone. ... (CALLS) Cream today, Lucy! ... (TO ALL) She's very clever.

CONKLIN:

She must be, to ring the doorbell by herself. ... (AN ORDER) Miss Brooks, open the door!

BROOKS:

(RESIGNED) Yes, sir.

SOUND:

BROOKS' STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS

TEX:

Howdy, Miss Brooks. Lucy and I were just a-lopin' by, so I thought I'd show you how nice she looks in her new bonnet.

BROOKS:

But, Tex - Tex, you shouldn't have brought her right up to the front door like this.

HORSE:

(SNUFFLES AND NEIGHS HAPPILY) ...

CONKLIN:

What is going on here?! Why is this beast sticking her head--?! (DOUBLE TAKE, HORRIFIED EXCLAMATION) Oh, gad! ... Even she's wearing my wife's hat! ...

BOYNTON:

And my mother's hat!

TEX:

(SURPRISED) You mean they got the same hat you sold me for Lucy, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Yes, Tex, but--

TEX:

Shucks, if I'd a-known that, I'd-a never bought it. Lucy's a--

TEX &
BROOKS: --fanatic on individualized apparel--

BROOKS:

--I know. ...

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, just what do you propose to do about these hats?!

BROOKS:

I'm going to take them out to our backyard and put them up in the tree.

CONKLIN:

A tree?!

BROOKS:

Yes, these hats are strictly for the birds. ...

MUSIC:

CYMBAL CRASH FOR PUNCTUATION ... THEN CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden returns in just a moment. Now "The Case of the Close Scrape," featuring Arthur Griffin, mail carrier. Here's what Mr. Griffin told us. Listen--

2ND ANNCR:

Here's exactly what happened. Shaving was just one close scrape after another for me, and then I discovered Palmolive Lather Shave Cream and a new, different way to shave. Palmolive's oceans of rich, thick lather ended my worries about scrapes, burns, and nicks. Why, even in cold or hard water, that Palmolive Lather way is super-smooth, super-comfortable.

ANNOUNCER:

Take Arthur Griffin's advice, men. The new Palmolive Lather way gets beards really soft, and it provides a protective film that actually floats your razor's cutting edge. You get a clean, close shave every time, without worry about scraping or nicking -- even in cold or hard water. Arthur Griffin and twelve hundred other men tested Palmolive Lather Cream following package directions, and three out of four reported smoother, more comfortable shaves the Palmolive Shave Cream way, no matter how they shaved before.

2ND ANNCR:

Better get Palmolive Lather Shave Cream. Remember, even in cold or hard water, the Palmolive Lather way means smoother, more comfortable shaves.

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

Now, once again, here is Eve Arden.

EVE ARDEN:

What would you do to protect your family and yourself in case of a sudden atom bomb attack? It may never happen, but it could. Remember, you can survive an atom bomb attack if you know what to do. Get a copy of the official air raid instructions from your local civil defense organization, or write to Superintendent of Documents, Washington, D. C., enclosing five cents in coin or stamps. Learn the instructions by heart and see that everyone in your family does, too. Be smart, be prepared.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

This is Verne Smith reminding you to tune in next week for another OUR MISS BROOKS show, brought to you by Palmolive Shave Cream, for a smoother, more comfortable way to shave, and Colgate Dental Cream, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay.

2ND ANNCR:

OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns, written by Al Lewis and Arthur Alsberg, with the music by Wilbur Hatch.

MUSIC:

TAG

1ST VOICE:

Listen to this! With mar-vel-ous Vel -- V-E-L -- you can save ninety percent of dishwashing work.

2ND VOICE:

A quick soak in Vel suds gets dishes and glassware shiny clean, even if a bit of food should cling. A touch with a dishcloth gets rid of it fast.

1ST VOICE:

Yes, Vel's Activated Suds lift off and carry away food and grease. So all dishes need is a quick rinse and they dry sparkling without washing or wiping.

2ND VOICE:

All pots and pans need is a soaking with Vel suds, then you can wash them shiny clean without hard scouring.

1ST VOICE:

What's more, Vel is a miracle of mildness. So get new Vel! Save ninety percent of dishwashing work!

3RD VOICE:

OUR MISS BROOKS came to you transcribed.