Announcer:
And now, ___________________ and ___________________ as John and Blanche Bickerson in "The Honeymoon is Over."
MUSIC:
(Up and Under)
Announcer:
The Bickersons have retired, It is close to three o'clock in the morning, and Mrs. Bickerson lies tense and sleepless in the dark, as poor husband John, victim of raucous insomnia, reaches a climax during an acute attack of his strange ailment. Listen . . .
JOHN:
(Outrageous snoring à la three Stooges)
BLANCHE:
He'll stop now . . . I know he will!
JOHN:
(Stops for a second, then begins snoring again, louder.)
BLANCHE:
He'll stop now . . . I know he will!
JOHN:
(Stops for a second, then beings snoring again, louder.)
BLANCHE:
Oh, dear
JOHN:
(More snoring.)
BLANCHE:
John! Turn over on your side! (Pokes him) . . . Go on!
JOHN:
Whassamatta, Blanche? (very groggy) Whassamatta?
BLANCHE:
There isn't another woman in the world who'd sacrifice her youth and her looks to live with a man who rattles himself to sleep like a lot of old bones in a bag. What do you think I'm made of, John?
JOHN:
Old bones.
BLANCHE:
You've got to stop it!
JOHN:
Stop what?
BLANCHE:
That snoring!
JOHN:
Oh, it's just your imagination, Blanche . . . I never snore!
BLANCHE:
John Bickerson! How can you say that?
JOHN:
Very easy. Just listen: "I never snore" . . . (fading) "I never snore" . . . "I neverrrrrrr . . . " (Snores)
BLANCHE:
John!
JOHN:
Whassamatta . . . Whyn't you let me sleep, Blanche?
BLANCHE:
What about me? What am I supposed to do while you grind away like a buzz saw? I never sleep at all!
JOHN:
You were fast asleep when I came home from my lodge meeting!
BLANCHE:
What time did you come in?
JOHN:
I don't know. . . . Put out the lights.
BLANCHE:
You said that you'd have one drink and get home at ten
JOHN:
Well, I had ten drinks and got home at one. . . .You knew where I was all the time, now don't start beefing about it.
BLANCHE:
I didn't know where you were, I would have called you.
JOHN:
What for?
BLANCHE:
Because the express man came around again with that package. It's from Kentucky, and there's freight charges on it.
JOHN:
Well, why didn't you pay him? I've been waiting for that package!
BLANCHE:
What is it?
JOHN:
It's my dividend! I belong to the Bottle of the Month Club!
BLANCHE:
Bottle . . . bottle . . . bottle! I'm just sick and tired of the way your whole life is wrapped up in a bottle of bourbon. Maybe you'd like me better if I wore a label and put a cork in my mouth!
JOHN:
You needn't wear a label, Blanche.
BLANCHE:
There you go with your subtle insults again! When am I supposed to talk to you? You rush away in the morning and come home at night when I'm sleeping. . . . (whining) Sit up and talk to me, John!
JOHN:
Blanche, I'm dead tired! I don't know what time I came home, but I was in the kitchen for over an hour!
BLANCHE:
I know, I heard you puttering around in there.
JOHN:
I wasn't puttering! You asked me to fix the electric toaster and the curling iron, didn't you? Well, I fixed them both.
BLANCHE:
Do they work?
JOHN:
They work fine! (Under his breath) Except the toast pops up with a permanent.
BLANCHE:
That doesn't surprise me. Did you turn off all the lights?
JOHN:
(Wearily) Turned off the lights.
BLANCHE:
I suppose you left a mess in the kitchen.
JOHN:
No mess.
BLANCHE:
I hope you locked the back door. The cat got out three times last week!
JOHN:
Cat won't get out tonight.
BLANCHE:
Where'd you put him?
JOHN:
In the birdcage.
BLANCHE:
The birdcage? . . . Where's the canary?
JOHN:
In the cat.
BLANCHE:
John Bickerson!
JOHN:
Oh, stop knocking yourself out! Nothing happened to the canary, and the cat's fast asleep in the oven.
BLANCHE:
Well, don't scare me like that! Are you sure all the animals are taken care of?
JOHN:
I'm sure.
BLANCHE:
How about the fishbowl? Did you heat up the water for the new baby goldfish?
JOHN:
I heated his water, gave him his pablum, burped him twice, and changed his diaper! Will you put out the lights and let me sleep?
BLANCHE:
Why are you so cross and disagreeable all the time, John?
JOHN:
Because I'm exhausted.
BLANCHE:
That's not true! You'd rather stay out the whole night carousing with your roughneck friends. . . . It just kills you to spend the night with me.
JOHN:
No, it doesn't kill me.
BLANCHE:
It's a funny thing, but I don't need anybody else. I'm always satisfied just to be with you.
JOHN:
Well, you're in better company than I am. . . . Good night, Blanche!
BLANCHE:
Keep it up, John! Keep adding insults to injury.
JOHN:
. . . adding injury . . .
BLANCHE:
Never a kind word or a compliment.
JOHN:
. . . No never . . .
BLANCHE:
Just work me to death like a slave! Pick at my meals and complain about my cooking!
JOHN:
I never complain about your cooking!
BLANCHE:
Then why didn't you eat that pie I made tonight?
JOHN:
I did eat it! I ate every bit of it!
BLANCHE:
You didn't like it!
JOHN:
I couldn't chew it! The under crust was like cardboard!
BLANCHE:
Under crust?
JOHN:
Yes!
BLANCHE:
That pie didn't have any under crust! I gave it to you on a paper plate!
JOHN:
Well, the plate tasted better than the pie! . . . Don't make pies anymore! I hate pies! I hate all desserts! . . . Especially that orange meringue broccoli dreamcake you make! . . . Don't make me any more desserts!
BLANCHE:
I never know what to make for you! You've got the weirdest appetite of any man alive. For two months running, you wouldn't eat anything but pig's knuckles . . . pig's knuckles . . . pig's knuckles!
JOHN:
What about it?
BLANCHE:
Just because you wanted pig's knuckles, I had to cook my fingers to the bone! Why don't you hire a chef?
JOHN:
(Groans)
BLANCHE:
I cook for you. . . . I scrub for you. . . . I sew for you! . . . Do I get any thanks?
JOHN:
Thanks.
BLANCHE:
Thanks! That's all the thanks I get! No love . . . no affection! How I envy Louise Shaw! Her husband treats her more like a friend than a wife!
JOHN:
Oh, settle down, will you, Blanche?
BLANCHE:
No, I won't! You think Louise ever makes breakfast for Mel? Not that lazy lump! She makes him go to work every day without a morsel of food! Just a kiss for breakfast. Would you be satisfied with that?
JOHN:
Sure, send her over in the morning.
BLANCHE:
I mean, would you be satisfied if I gave you a kiss for breakfast?
JOHN:
Blanche, I'd be satisfied with anything if you'd just let me get some rest!
BLANCHE:
Answer me! Do you want a kiss for breakfast?
JOHN:
Yes!
BLANCHE:
Well, ask for it!
JOHN:
Blanche . . . I want a kiss for breakfast!
BLANCHE:
Don't do me any favors. . . . I'll never let you kiss me again as long as you live! Not until you apologize!
JOHN:
Apologize for what? . . . What have I done?
BLANCHE:
It's what you haven't done. You haven't told me you love me for years! . . . Why don't you say you're sorry you married me?
JOHN:
Because I'm not!
BLANCHE:
Am I the only wife in the world for you?
JOHN:
You're the only wife in the world for me!
BLANCHE:
You're lying! Swear!
JOHN:
I swear I'm lying.
BLANCHE:
What?
JOHN:
I mean I'm not lying!
BLANCHE:
Well, that's no way to swear! Say it nicely!
JOHN:
You're the only wife in the world for me!
BLANCHE:
(Brightening) Really, John?
JOHN:
Really! I wouldn't have another wife like you for anything!
BLANCHE:
I wish I'd known more about you before we were married.
JOHN:
Oh, you knew everything!
BLANCHE:
I didn't know about that tattoo you had on your stomach! That's a real indication of a man's character. I wish I'd known . . .
JOHN:
Now, wait a minute! I had that tattoo put on my stomach when I was just a silly kid!
BLANCHE:
You ought to be ashamed of yourself! A hula girl with a big dimple on her chin!
JOHN:
That dimple was there before she was! . . . Don't go digging up my stomach at this time of the night.
BLANCHE:
Why don't you have that ugly picture removed?
JOHN:
(Sighing) Okay, I'll have it removed in the morning.
BLANCHE:
You say it, but you won't do it. Have it done now!
JOHN:
What?
BLANCHE:
Go on, get up and get rid of that hula girl!
JOHN:
Are you out of your mind? It's almost four o'clock in the morning!
BLANCHE:
You'd get rid of it fast enough if you were married to Gloria Gooseby!
JOHN:
Ooooooo, now don't start with Gloria Gooseby!
BLANCHE:
She'd holler plenty if you didn't do what she liked!
JOHN:
I always do what she likes and she never hollers! . . . I mean . . . I mean . . . I hate the sight of Gloria Gooseby and I never want you to mention her name again! Do you hear me?
BLANCHE:
Don't yell at me! I'm sick . . .
JOHN:
(Suddenly concerned) Sick?
BLANCHE:
Dr. Hershey told me there's something the matter with my head.
JOHN:
You don't mean to say you paid a doctor for that!
BLANCHE:
Make fun if you like, but I know I won't last long.
JOHN:
What's the matter with you?
BLANCHE:
Nothing
JOHN:
Are you really sick?
BLANCHE:
(Earnestly) So sick I could die! I think I'm poisoned. I've got the most awful indigestion. . . . Call the doctor John!
JOHN:
You don't need the doctor! . . . I'll take care of it. . . . Lie still and I'll fry you some radishes and hot sauerkraut juice.
BLANCHE:
Radishes and hot sauerkraut juice?
JOHN:
Finest cure in the world for indigestion! Lie still now.
BLANCHE:
John Bickerson, I don't want any of your insane remedies! You'll treat me for indigestion and I'll probably die of liver trouble.
JOHN:
Listen, if I treat you for indigestion, you'll die of indigestion! . . . Now, do you want me to help you, or not?
BLANCHE:
I'll feel a lot better if you just didn't scream at me, and tell me you love me!
JOHN:
(Under his breath) I knew you weren't sick!
BLANCHE:
Tell me you love me, John.
JOHN:
I love you.
BLANCHE:
How much do you love me?
JOHN:
How much do you need?
BLANCHE:
Well, John. Easter Sunday is only two days away, and I haven't got a new hat.
JOHN:
What happened to the hat you bought last Easter?
BLANCHE:
It's in a box on the dresser, but that hat's worn out.
JOHN:
Well, wear the box! I can't be spending my money on a hat!
BLANCHE:
Please, John, just this once? I saw a wonderful hat with a reversible brim that can be turned up or down!
JOHN:
How much is it?
BLANCHE:
Sixty dollars.
JOHN:
Turn it down.
BLANCHE:
Turn it down! Turn it down! I turn everything down because you're always looking for bargains! But when you married me you didn't get any bargain!
JOHN:
How well I know it!
BLANCHE:
Oh, you know what I mean! You only like the kind of woman who would pass up a mink coat to buy a cheap fur.
JOHN:
Well, what's wrong with buying a cheap fur?
BLANCHE:
(Brightly) Nothing! Would you like to see the one I bought, dear?
JOHN:
What?
BLANCHE:
It's a dyed rabbit choker and it only cost ninety-four dollars!
JOHN:
Ninety-four dollars! . . . For a dead rabbit?
BLANCHE:
Don't get started.
JOHN:
Blanche, how can you squander my money like that? . . . I deny myself everything! . . . Last week I had all my teeth pulled out to save money on eating! . . . I've been sewing collars on your old bloomers and wearing them for shirts! . . . I haven't even got a pair of pants! . . . Yesterday I hung a whiskbroom from your plaid skirt and went to work dressed as a Scotsman! . . . (To audience) And she spends ninety-four dollars on an Easter rabbit!
BLANCHE:
All right, all right, I'll take it back! I never knew you could be so mean.
JOHN:
Oh, take it back!
BLANCHE:
I wish my poor grand daddy was still alive. He'd never let you treat me like this!
JOHN:
All of a sudden she's got a grand daddy! . . . I never heard you mention him before!
BLANCHE:
He was the best friend I ever had. I took his advice on everything.
JOHN:
(Grumbling) Oh, yeah, yeah . . .
BLANCHE:
He could have settled a lot of our problems. I bet he'd tell you to let me keep that choker!
JOHN:
How do you know?
BLANCHE:
Because I know. And when I get to heaven, I'm going to ask him!
JOHN:
Suppose he isn't in heaven?
BLANCHE:
Then you can ask him.
JOHN:
Good night, Blanche!
BLANCHE:
Good night, John.
MUSIC:
(Up and out)
THE END