GRACIE:

Another cup of Maxwell House Coffee, George?

GEORGE:

Sure. Pour me a cup, Gracie.

GRACIE:

You know, Maxwell House is always good to the last-- (MUSIC: GLISSANDO) --drop. (MUSIC: XYLOPHONE NOTE)

GEORGE:

And that drop's good, too.

MUSIC:

IN AND IN BG

GOODWIN:

Yes, it's "Maxwell House Coffee Time," starring George Burns and Gracie Allen.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

UP FOR THEME (1920's "THE LOVE NEST" BY LOUIS A. HIRSCH AND OTTO HARBACH) ... THEN IN BG--

GOODWIN:

With yours truly Bill Goodwin; the music of Meredith Willson and His Orchestra; our happy postman Mel Blanc; Elvia Allman, Verna Felton, Lurene Tuttle, and the ladies of the Beverly Hills Uplift Society. For your Thursday night comedy enjoyment, it's George and Gracie. And for your everyday coffee-drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House, the coffee that's always good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

THEME UP AND OUT

GOODWIN:

Only two more shopping days till Easter and if your husband hasn't kicked in with the money for that new Easter hat, you better start doing some tall hinting. But first come along to the Burns house and watch a couple of experts at work. Gracie can out-hint any wife and George can out-ignore any husband.

GEORGE:

Good morning, Gracie. Breakfast ready?

GRACIE:

All ready, dear.

SOUND:

BREAKFAST DISHES, UTENSILS, ET CETERA ... IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

GRACIE:

(SINGS, AGGRESSIVELY CHEERFUL) "In my Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it--"

GEORGE:

You seem happy this morning.

GRACIE:

Well, what woman wouldn't be happy married to you, George?

GEORGE:

(BEAT) I guess you're right.

GRACIE:

(CHUCKLES) ...

GRACIE:

[?] you, George, reminds me of the slip I made yesterday. I signed my name "Mrs. G. Burns" and this woman who was with me said, "What does the "G" stand for?" And before I thought, I said, "Generous." (CHUCKLES) ...

GEORGE:

Generous, huh?

GRACIE:

(SINGS) "In my Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it--"

GEORGE:

Pass the bacon.

GRACIE:

Yes, dear. Uh, by the way, have you seen the good news in the paper? It looks like income taxes are going to be cut way down. Now you'll just have scads of money!

GEORGE:

Yeah, I'll have so much money, I won't know what to do with it.

GRACIE:

(SINGS) "In my Easter bonnet ... with all the frills upon it--"

GEORGE:

Pass the eggs.

GRACIE:

Yes, dear. Notice the way I colored the eggshells this morning? Blue and pink and speckled?

GEORGE:

Yes, they're pretty, but what's the idea?

GRACIE:

To remind you of something that's coming.

GEORGE:

Something that's coming?

GRACIE:

(YES) Mm hm.

GEORGE:

Let's see. Eggs make me think of hens--

GRACIE:

(YES) Mm hm.

GEORGE:

And hens-- (UNHAPPY) Uh-oh, your mother's coming. ...

GRACIE:

No, dear. (SINGS) "In my Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it--"

GEORGE:

Pass the toast.

GRACIE:

Yes, dear. ...

GEORGE:

Say, you know? I just thought of something.

GRACIE:

What?

GEORGE:

Sunday is Easter.

GRACIE:

(MOCK DISBELIEF) Noooo! ...

GEORGE:

Yes. And we'll want to be in the parade, won't we?

GRACIE:

Well, yes -- we will.

GEORGE:

Here, let me get out my billfold.

GRACIE:

(FEIGNING SURPRISE, BROADLY) Why, George! Whatever for?!

GEORGE:

Well, we'll want to look our best, won't we?

GRACIE:

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

GEORGE:

Well, here. Take this dollar and get my suit pressed. ...

GRACIE:

George, wait. Before you put the lock back on your billfold--

GEORGE:

Yes?

GRACIE:

One of the most important things on Easter is a pretty hat, and now if you could see--

GEORGE:

Oh, sure. What's the matter with me? Here I am talking about getting my suit pressed. You'll need some more money.

GRACIE:

Well, sure.

GEORGE:

Here's a-- Here's another dollar; have my hat cleaned and blocked. ...

GRACIE:

(ANNOYED) I'll just have it cleaned. You block it every time you put-- (STOPS SHORT, TO HERSELF) Oh, Gracie, let's not lose our head. (UP, NICELY) Uh, George darling? I'd like to have a pretty hat for Easter, too.

GEORGE:

Well, here's another dollar; have yours cleaned and blocked, too. ...

GRACIE:

Well, I can't have last year's Easter hat cleaned and blocked! It's covered with fruit.

GEORGE:

Well, have it cleaned and sprayed. ...

GRACIE:

No, you don't understand. The fruit is all faded and withered.

GEORGE:

Well, use a little fertilizer on it. ...

GRACIE:

Oh, please, dear -- don't force me to wear last year's monstrosity.

GEORGE:

Who's gonna know whether it's last year's monstrosity or this year's monstrosity? ...

GRACIE:

Oh, now, George, please give me the money--

GEORGE:

Now, look, Gracie, you can--

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

GRACIE:

Come in!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

GOODWIN:

(VERY CASUAL) Hiya, Burnses. What's doin'?

GEORGE:

Oh, we're having a little argument, Bill.

GOODWIN:

What about?

GRACIE:

Well, I don't want to be seen in the Easter parade with an old, out-of-date monstrosity.

GOODWIN:

(BEAT) Leave George home. ...

GEORGE:

Willie, you're a riot. [pronounced "WRY-it"] ...

GRACIE:

Bill, when I said an out-of-date monstrosity, I meant last year's Easter hat. George won't give me the money for a new one.

GOODWIN:

Why not? Hasn't he been told he can't take it with him?

GRACIE:

Yeah, he's been told that, but he wants to experiment. ...

GEORGE:

Never mind the smart cracks, young lady. I'm not gonna throw money away on a silly hat. Do you think you're married to the pot of gold?

GOODWIN:

She's not sure about the color, but the shape's right. ...

GEORGE:

I'm going in the den and leave you comics without a straight man. (SOUND: DOOR OPENS) And you don't get an Easter hat, Gracie. Times are hard and I can't afford it.

SOUND:

DEN DOOR CLOSES AS GEORGE EXITS

GOODWIN:

Gee whiz. So he won't give you money for a hat. Have you tried flattery, Gracie?

GRACIE:

Ah, that doesn't work any more, Bill. George is wise to flattery.

GOODWIN:

Well, it wouldn't hurt to try it.

GRACIE:

Well, okay. But you'll see -- it won't work.

SOUND:

GRACIE OPENS DEN DOOR

GRACIE:

(NICELY) Um, George?

GEORGE:

(THE SAME) Yes?

GRACIE:

You're the youngest, handsomest, kindest, most talented, best built, most romantic husband in the world. (INHALES, BEAT) No, huh?

GEORGE:

No. ...

GRACIE:

Well, thanks anyway.

GEORGE:

You're welcome.

SOUND:

GRACIE CLOSES DEN DOOR

GRACIE:

No, you see, Bill?

GOODWIN:

Yeah. Say, I wonder if it'd do any good--

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

GRACIE:

Come in!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

POSTMAN:

(MISERABLE) Good morning, Mrs. Burns. ... Here's your mail.

GRACIE:

Thank you, Mr. Postman.

POSTMAN:

Ohhhh, hello, Mr. Goodwin.

GOODWIN:

(MIMICS HIS MISERABLE TONE) Ohhhh, hello, Mr. Postman. ...

GRACIE:

Uh, Mr. Postman, did your wife get money out of you for an Easter hat?

POSTMAN:

Oh, yes.

GRACIE:

Oh, how did she do it?

POSTMAN:

By promising me a kiss.

GRACIE:

Really?

POSTMAN:

Yes. She said if I refused to give her the money, she'd kiss me. ... I'd rather take a beating. ...

GOODWIN:

Bad kisser, huh?

POSTMAN:

Homeliest I've ever seen. ...

GOODWIN:

Hey, Mr. Postman, if you feel that way, why did you marry her?

POSTMAN:

Well, it was the year Roosevelt ran against Hoover.

GOODWIN:

(BEAT) Yes?

POSTMAN:

When I make a bet, I pay off. ...

GRACIE:

Well, this isn't getting me an Easter hat. I guess I'll have to use my club to get the money out of George.

POSTMAN:

Aw, don't beat him with a club. That's cruel.

GRACIE:

No, I meant the club I belong to -- the Beverly Hills Uplift Society. I'll turn those girls loose on George.

POSTMAN:

Beat him with a club. It's kinder. ... Well, goodbye, Mrs. Burns, and remember -- keep smiling.

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

SEGUES TO THE FOUR-LINE STANZA OF "ROCK-A-BYE BABY" ... THEN IN BG

GOODWIN:

"Rock-a-bye Baby"? Say, I bet you'd find this one way out front if the small fry had a Hit Parade of their own, Meredith.

MEREDITH:

And who's to say they haven't, Bill? It plays a coast-to-coast nursery network every night at sundown or thereabouts -- with Mom featured as M.C. and the Sandman always giving his usual dependable performance.

GOODWIN:

All for the pleasure of some sleepy-eyed kid who's applause is a sleepy smile. Yes, Lullaby Time means many precious things to all of us, all right -- young and old alike. Most of all perhaps, those moments of peace and contentment that reflect so deeply the meaning of our American scene. And because it offers its own full measure of contentment, Maxwell House Coffee belongs to the American scene, too. Here in America we've made coffee our favorite drink, and today more people buy and enjoy Maxwell House than any other brand of coffee at any price. It's Maxwell House wherever you go. Flavor explains this overwhelming preference: that good-to-the-last-drop Maxwell House flavor that results from the skillful blending of these carefully selected Latin American coffees. Manizales for mellowness--

MUSIC:

MELLOW WOODWINDS PLAY A LINE OF "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

GOODWIN:

Medellins for richness--

MUSIC:

SOLO PIANO PLAYS A LINE OF "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

GOODWIN:

Other choice coffees for vigor--

MUSIC:

STRINGS PLAY A LINE OF "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

GOODWIN:

And Bucaramangas for full body--

MUSIC:

THE BRASS PLAY FINAL LINE OF "ROCK-A-BYE BABY" TO COMPLETE THE STANZA ... THEN IN BG

GOODWIN:

--adding up to coffee you get at its flavor peak. So, friends, why not enjoy the finest in coffee-drinking pleasure? You can, for just a fraction of a penny more per cup than you'd pay for the cheapest coffee sold. Just say, "Maxwell House" -- always good to the last--

MUSIC:

GLISSANDO

GOODWIN:

--drop.

MUSIC:

XYLOPHONE NOTE ... THEN FULL ORCHESTRA PLAYS FINAL LINE OF "ROCK-A-BYE BABY" ... UP AND OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

GOODWIN:

Well, Gracie was unable to get George to buy her a new Easter hat, so the minute he left the house she called in the ladies of the Beverly Hills Uplift Society for a council of war. Poor George. In a bar, they'd refuse to give him more than two zombies, but Gracie's gonna hit him with a whole houseful -- and here they are.

SOUND:

LADIES TALKING ALL AT ONCE ... THEN IN BG

GRACIE:

Now, quiet, girls -- quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Come to order, please!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, BANGING OF LIGHT GAVEL ... LADIES GROW SILENT, LEAVING ONLY BLANCHE'S VOICE FINISHING AN ANECDOTE:

BLANCHE:

And you all know what a hussy she is!

GRACIE:

(STERN) Oh, really, Blanche. When a special meeting of the Beverly Hills Uplift Society is called, we should behave with dignity and not stoop to gossip. (EAGERLY) Who's the hussy? ...

BLANCHE:

Clara Bagley! I can't understand why we ever took that woman into our club!

CLARA:

(INDIGNANT) I heard that, Blanche Morton!

BLANCHE:

(SUDDENLY SWEET) Why, Clara darling! I didn't see you come in! ...

CLARA:

How dare you call me--?

GRACIE:

Now, Clara, that's enough. You came in late and you know very well that any member does that at her own risk. ...

CLARA:

But she said I--!

GRACIE:

Now, please, Clara. When Blanche was late last month and heard you call her a fat frump, she was very nice about it. Now apologize for making a scene.

CLARA:

(SWEETLY) Okay. I apologize, fat frump. ...

BLANCHE:

(THE SAME) I accept, hussy. ...

GRACIE:

There -- that's the real Uplift spirit. Now, before I explain the purpose of this meeting, we'll have the roll call. Blanche Morton?

BLANCHE:

Here!

GRACIE:

Clara Bagley?

CLARA:

Here!

GRACIE:

Katherine Conway?

KATHERINE:

Here!

GRACIE:

Meredith Willson?

MEREDITH:

Present. ...

KATHERINE:

I'll never get used to him at these meetings. ...

GRACIE:

Well, that's just silly, Katherine. It's been over a year since we made Meredith an honorary woman. ...

MEREDITH:

Yes, and I've become thoroughly adjusted to womanhood. ... Although I admit I still feel just a little conspicuous in the pool at the YWCA. ...

BLANCHE:

We're dying to know why you called a meeting, Gracie. Can't we skip the rest of the roll call?

GRACIE:

Well, all right, Blanche. Now, you girls are here because I need your help in a crisis. George refuses to buy me an Easter hat.

SOUND:

LADIES GASP AND MURMUR UNHAPPILY AMONG THEMSELVES ("Why, the very idea!" ET CETERA)

MEREDITH:

Isn't that just like a man? ...

GRACIE:

So far, every method has failed. But you may have tried some fresh methods on your husbands that I could use on George. In other words, you furnish the new tricks and I furnish the old dog. ...

SOUND:

LADIES MURMUR THEIR SUPPORT ("Well, we're with you, Gracie." "Oh, we certainly are.")

GRACIE:

Uh, Blanche, did you get money for an Easter hat from Harry?

BLANCHE:

Yes, and a new frying pan, too.

GRACIE:

Oh? How?

BLANCHE:

I slugged him with the old one. ...

GRACIE:

Well, I couldn't strike George.

BLANCHE:

Too brutal?

GRACIE:

Too brittle. ...

BLANCHE:

He is sort of puny.

GRACIE:

Clara, did you get hat money out of Joe?

CLARA:

Oh, sure! No trouble at all. You know, Joe's the affectionate type. Until he agreed to give me the money, I wouldn't let him kiss me.

GRACIE:

Oh. Well, that wouldn't mean much to George. Some husband's kisses get better, but his just get higher. ...

CLARA:

Higher?

GRACIE:

Yes. His aim's not what it used to be. First it was my lips. And then my cheek. And then my forehead.

CLARA:

Well, where is he now?

GRACIE:

Well, since last October, he's missed me altogether. ...

CLARA:

My, you're really in trouble.

GRACIE:

Katherine, did you get Dick to loosen up?

KATHERINE:

Oh, yes. I got him over a barrel. I found out that he took his secretary to dinner one night. He gave me the money to keep peace in the family.

GRACIE:

Oh, but I'd never find my George chasin' after a woman. He doesn't have the desire. The inclination. The wind. ...

KATHERINE:

Uh, what did he say when you asked him for money?

GRACIE:

Oh, he said he was too poor to throw money away on a hat; that he couldn't afford it because times were hard; and he said that-- (INSPIRED) Girls! I've got it! We'll shame George into giving me the money.

SOUND:

LADIES MURMUR QUIZZICALLY ("How?")

GRACIE:

Well, we'll hurt his pride. Now here's the plan. At three o'clock sharp, I'll have George in the living room. You girls come in one at a time, and then you pretend that you're bringing me-- (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

SNEAKY ... SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE ... THEN UP FOR BRIDGE

GRACIE:

What time is it, dear?

GEORGE:

Exactly three o'clock.

GRACIE:

Oh, good. Answer the door. ...

GEORGE:

Answer the door? Nobody buzzed.

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

GEORGE:

... Gee, there must be something wrong with my ears. (CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

BLANCHE:

Good afternoon.

GEORGE:

Oh, hello, Mrs. Morton.

BLANCHE:

(EXTRAVAGANTLY SYMPATHETIC) I brought you poor people a bundle of old clothes. ...

GEORGE:

Poor people?

BLANCHE:

Yes. The news is all over town that you're poverty-stricken.

GRACIE:

Oh, dear -- and I thought it was just a family secret.

BLANCHE:

(TEARFUL) Oh, you poor brave little thing, you -- going through life without a stitch on your back! ...

GRACIE:

Yes. There wouldn't be a stitch on me anywhere if I hadn't had my appendix out. ...

GEORGE:

Look, let me in on this. What's going on here?

BLANCHE:

Here, take these clothes, Gracie. Here's a dress I don't need.

GRACIE:

Look, George -- a dress for me!

BLANCHE:

And here's one of my old corsets.

GRACIE:

Look -- something for you, too! ...

BLANCHE:

And here. Here's one of my husband's old suits for Mr. Burns, too.

GEORGE:

But we're not poor. Where did you ever get the idea that we--?

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

GRACIE:

Come in!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

CLARA:

(QUIETLY SYMPATHETIC) Oh, hello, folks.

GEORGE:

Hello, Mrs. Bagley.

CLARA:

Don't get up, Mr. Burns. I - I know how weak you must be. ...

GEORGE:

Weak?

CLARA:

Yes. From hunger. I heard about the fix you're in, so I brought over some soup.

GEORGE:

Soup? ...

GRACIE:

Oh, thank you, Clara.

GEORGE:

Yes, we don't need any soup, Mrs. Bagley. We got plenty of soup!

CLARA:

The Salvation Army got here first? ...

GEORGE:

(SARCASTIC) Yeah, with hot soup!

GRACIE:

Yeah--

GEORGE:

The soup is hot! ...

GRACIE:

Clara, it's just his pride. What kind of soup did you bring?

CLARA:

Chicken.

GRACIE:

(PLEASED) Oh, with noodles?!

CLARA:

Yes.

GRACIE:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, George, did you hear that? We could have the soup tonight and the noodles tomorrow! ...

GEORGE:

Look, Gracie -- who ever told--?

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

GRACIE:

Come in!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... CLOSES BEHIND--

KATHERINE:

(TEARFUL) Oh, you poor, poor people! I heard the awful news!

GEORGE:

Now, see here, Mrs. Conway--

KATHERINE:

I'm not a wealthy woman, but I can always scrape together a few pennies for the needy. Here! Take this quarter! ...

GRACIE:

Oh, bless you, Katherine!

GEORGE:

Mrs. Conway--!

KATHERINE:

How did it happen, Gracie? Your husband's been on the radio for years! Didn't he save any money?!

GRACIE:

Not a cent! He's told thousands of jokes, but he never laid a nest egg. ...

KATHERINE:

Oh, how terrible!

SOUND:

LADIES START CATERWAULING AND WEEPING HYSTERICALLY ... CONTINUES BEHIND--

GEORGE:

... (TRIES TO BE REASONABLE) Wait a minute, girls. Girls, wait a minute. Girls? Girls! (EXPLODES) Wait a minute!

SOUND:

LADIES ABRUPTLY FALL SILENT

GEORGE:

... (DISBELIEF, TO HIMSELF) Have to make myself a Jack Benny to be heard. ... (UP) Now, Gracie, get these dames straight about that crazy rumor. Tell 'em we're not broke!

GRACIE:

Now, dear, it's no disgrace.

GEORGE:

What do you mean it's no disgrace?!

GRACIE:

And it doesn't matter to me. I still love you. Girls? One, two--

LADIES:

(WORDLESSLY LA-DEE-DAH AND HUM A MOURNFUL VERSION OF "HEARTS AND FLOWERS" ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X])

GEORGE:

(NOW WHAT?) What is this gonna be?

GRACIE:

(RECITES, MELODRAMATICALLY)
Other women may walk in their sable and mink,
With pheasant to eat and champagne to drink.

GEORGE:

(ASIDE) We're at the Jefferson again.

GRACIE:

(RECITES, MELODRAMATICALLY)
But I will wear rags and on crumbs I will dine, [X]
And stay with that shabby old husband of mine. ...

GEORGE:

Gracie, I-I-I--

LADIES:

(RESUMES LA-DEE-DAH-ING AND HUMMING "HEARTS AND FLOWERS" ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X])

GRACIE:

(RECITES, MELODRAMATICALLY)
What if the house is as cold as a stone?
What if one tattered garment is all that I own?
What if wolves at our door are waiting in line? [X]
I still have that barefooted husband of mine. ...

GEORGE:

Gracie--

LADIES:

(BRIEFLY RESUMES LA-DEE-DAH-ING "HEARTS AND FLOWERS" ... OUT BEHIND--)

GEORGE:

... Look, girls-- Girls, stop with that "la-dee-dah." ... I can't afford to have a rumor going around that I'm broke. Gracie, what did you plan to spend on an Easter hat?

GRACIE:

Oh, about twenty dollars.

GEORGE:

Here's twenty-five. That ought to show these friends of yours up.

GRACIE:

Well, er, better make it thirty; I have other friends, too. ...

GEORGE:

All right, take thirty.

GRACIE:

Oh, thank you, George. Well, girls, as long as you're here, let's go in the den and have a nice visit, huh?

SOUND:

LADIES CHATTER HAPPILY AMONG THEMSELVES AS DEN DOOR OPENS AND THEY EXIT ... DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT LADIES ABRUPTLY

GEORGE:

(MUSES, TO HIMSELF) I wonder if I've been had. ...

MUSIC:

FOR A CURTAIN, ORCHESTRA STARTS ITS TUNE ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

BRIEF APPLAUSE

GOODWIN:

Meredith Willson's orchestra, "It's a Good Day."

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA PLAYS A LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF PEGGY LEE & DAVE BARBOUR'S 1946 SONG "IT'S A GOOD DAY" ... THEN OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE, WHISTLES

GOODWIN:

So you - you finally gave Gracie the money for an Easter hat, huh, George?

GEORGE:

Well, gee, Bill, I had to. Rumor got around that we were destitute. Neighbor women started bringing me old clothes and soup and money.

GOODWIN:

No foolin'?

GEORGE:

Yeah. Imagine -- offering us charity. Mrs. Morton even had the nerve to bring me one of her husband's old cast-off suits. Here, look at it. ...

GOODWIN:

Hey, George, that doesn't look bad on you. ...

GEORGE:

Really?

GOODWIN:

No.

GEORGE:

Of course, I just tried it on for a gag.

GOODWIN:

(IF YOU SAY SO) Mm hm.

GEORGE:

Don't intend to keep it.

GOODWIN:

Then why have you made those chalk marks where you want it altered? ...

GEORGE:

Those aren't chalk marks, Bill. I spilled some soup on it. ... Those are noodles.

GOODWIN:

Noodles?

GEORGE:

Mrs. Bagley makes very good chicken soup.

GOODWIN:

(MILDLY SARCASTIC) Ohhh! You don't like charity, huh?

GEORGE:

Look, it cost me thirty dollars. For that, I can eat a little.

GOODWIN:

Noodle soup?

GEORGE:

Noodle soup.

SOUND:

DOORBELL BUZZES

GEORGE:

Come in!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... CLOSES BEHIND--

MEREDITH:

Hello, all.

GEORGE:

Oh, hello, Meredith.

GOODWIN:

Hi, Meredith.

MEREDITH:

I'm sorry to be late, George, but here's my bundle. I, er, managed to scrape together some tuxedo studs, a pair of tennis shoes, and a book of Bach's fugues arranged for drums, marimba, and Sousaphone. ... Where are the other girls? ...

GEORGE:

Other girls?

MEREDITH:

The other girls of the Beverly Hills Uplift Society.

GEORGE:

Oh, the other girls. ...

MEREDITH:

George, Gracie gave us specific instructions to be here with our bundles at three o'clock, but, uh-- [Y] --my watch stopped and I wasn't able to--

GEORGE:

(OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE, STARTING AT [Y]) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This was all planned by Gracie?

MEREDITH:

Down to the last detail. She certainly is clever, George. She makes me proud to be a woman. ... Honorary, that is.

GEORGE:

Go in the den and join your sisters. ...

MEREDITH:

Very well.

GEORGE:

Go, go, go.

SOUND:

DEN DOOR OPENS .. LADIES HEARD CHATTERING BRIEFLY UNTIL DOOR SHUTS

GEORGE:

... (DISGUSTED) Rooked by the Uplifters.

GOODWIN:

(DEEPLY OFFENDED) George, listen -- are you just going to stand there and let those women make a sucker out of ya? Now, go in there and tell 'em off! Throw 'em out of the house!

GEORGE:

Bill, a fella could get killed in there. ...

GOODWIN:

Okay, then I'll do it for you.

GEORGE:

Gee, would you, Bill?

GOODWIN:

Certainly. After all, you're my oldest friend.

GEORGE:

I am?

GOODWIN:

Sure. I got friends I've known longer, but you're the oldest one. ...

GEORGE:

Will ya tell 'em, Bill?

GOODWIN:

(ARE YOU KIDDING?) Will I tell 'em?!

GEORGE:

What'll you tell 'em? ...

GOODWIN:

I'll read 'em the riot act.

GEORGE:

Yes?

GOODWIN:

I'll say, "Now, listen, you dames--"

GEORGE:

Yeah?

GOODWIN:

"Listen -- you miserable, conniving wenches--"

GEORGE:

Nice opening.

GOODWIN:

Yeah. ... "You - you call yourselves women? I've seen better-lookin' pans under ice boxes! ... Now clear out before I spray you with DDT!"

GEORGE:

DDT?

GOODWIN:

Yeah.

GEORGE:

Atta boy, Bill. Come on in and tell 'em.

GOODWIN:

Okay.

SOUND:

DEN DOOR OPENS ... LADIES CHATTER, THEN IN BG

GEORGE:

Quiet. Girls. Girls. Girls. Bill's got something to say to ya.

SOUND:

LADIES FALL SILENT

GEORGE:

(LOW) Okay, Bill -- tear it up.

GOODWIN:

Okay, George. Yeah. (GRUFF) Now, listen, you dames you! I--! (STOPS SHORT, SNIFFS A FEW TIMES, POLITELY) Where's that wonderful smell coming from?

GRACIE:

Oh, from the kitchen, Bill. We're making some coffee.

GOODWIN:

Oh. (INSTANTLY GRUFF AGAIN) Now, listen, you dames, I--! (STOPS SHORT, POLITELY) Maxwell House?

GRACIE:

Well, of course.

GEORGE:

(LOW, EGGS HIM ON) The riot act, Bill. The riot act -- read it, read it, read it! ...

GRACIE:

We always make Maxwell House, Bill. It's so rich and delicious and mellow.

BLANCHE:

Yes, we love that famous Maxwell House flavor.

GOODWIN:

Well, Mrs. Morton, that's the result of careful selection and blending of choice Latin American coffees, radiant-roasted to perfection.

GEORGE:

(LOW, DESPERATE) Wenches, Bill, wenches. Miserable wenches, remember? Wenches! Miserable! ...

CLARA:

It's no wonder more people buy and enjoy Maxwell House than any other brand of coffee in the world.

GOODWIN:

Oh, you said it, Mrs. Bagley!

GEORGE:

(LOW) And they connive, too. Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em.

GOODWIN:

Yeah, yeah. Girls, Maxwell House is absolutely tops in coffee-drinking pleasure.

KATHERINE:

Yet it costs but a fraction of a penny more per cup than the cheapest coffee you can buy.

GOODWIN:

That's right -- so much more for so little more!

GEORGE:

(LOW) Well, tell 'em about the pans under the iceboxes! ...

GOODWIN:

No wonder so many millions of Americans agree today's coffee buy is Maxwell House, the coffee that's always good--

LADIES:

--to the last drop!

GEORGE:

(LOW) Now spray 'em with DDT, Bill! ... Get rid of 'em, get rid of 'em!

GOODWIN:

Get rid of 'em? (SAVAGELY) Why, you miserable little shrimp!

GEORGE:

Who?

GOODWIN:

You!

GEORGE:

Me?

GOODWIN:

Yes! It's an honor to have this group of beautiful, intelligent women in your house!

BLANCHE:

Oh, Mr. Goodwin, if I weren't married, I'd hug you.

CLARA:

Oh, me, too.

KATHERINE:

Me, too!

MEREDITH:

I'm single. ...

GEORGE:

Get out of here, Goodwin. I'll handle this myself. (TO LADIES) Now listen, you dames -- I know I've been framed and I want my thirty dollars back! Give me that, Gracie!

CLARA:

Why, Gracie! He snatched it right out of your hand! George Burns, you ought to be thrashed! I wish I were a man!

BLANCHE:

Me, too.

KATHERINE:

Me, too!

MEREDITH:

So do I! ...

GRACIE:

Now, just a moment. Don't be too harsh with George! Maybe he has a right -- about that hat.

BLANCHE:

(SCANDALIZED) Well! Are you defending that old wrinklepuss?

GRACIE:

Blanche, please. That old wrinklepuss is my husband. ...

CLARA:

I'm too much of a lady to say what he is, but he's the biggest one I ever saw! ...

GRACIE:

Now, you girls stop talking about him.

KATHERINE:

Are you speaking up for this clown with the one-way pockets?!

GRACIE:

Yes, I am. Right or wrong, he's the only husband I've got.

BLANCHE:

Well! I like that! We knock ourselves out trying to help you and then you start defending him!

GRACIE:

Oh, don't forget, he's the head of this house.

CLARA:

He couldn't be the head of a mouse hole! ...

GRACIE:

If that's the way you feel, girls, you better leave.

BLANCHE:

Now, think it over, Gracie. If we leave, you are no longer an Uplifter.

GRACIE:

Well, that suits me just fine. If it comes to choosing between my club and my husband, I'll take my husband!

LADIES & MEREDITH:

(SCANDALIZED) Well!

GRACIE:

Oh, now-- ... Get out of here, you old crows. Scoot!

SOUND:

LADIES MURMUR INDIGNANTLY ("Fine!") AND EXIT ... DOOR SLAMS SHUT, CUTTING THEM OFF CLEAN

GEORGE:

Gracie, I'm proud of you.

GRACIE:

Well, they can't pick on you -- that's my privilege!

GEORGE:

Believe me-- Believe me, I appreciate what you did. And to prove it, here's the thirty dollars for an Easter hat.

GRACIE:

Oh, thank you, dear.

GEORGE:

And here's an extra five for calling them old crows.

SOUND:

GRACIE OPENS DEN DOOR

GRACIE:

(CALLS) You're old bats, too!

SOUND:

GRACIE SHUTS DEN DOOR

GRACIE:

Is that worth another five? ...

GEORGE:

You bet it is. Here. I'll go and get the car out of the garage and drive you to the hat shop myself!

SOUND:

DEN DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS GEORGE EXITS

GRACIE:

(SIGHS WITH RELIEF, TO HERSELF) Well, that's that. The girls should be under the window by now.

SOUND:

WINDOW OPENS

GRACIE:

(LOW) Girls?

LADIES & MEREDITH:

(HUSHED) Yes, Gracie?

GRACIE:

(LOW) Our ace-in-the-hole worked like a charm. I got the money back!

SOUND:

LADIES REACT HAPPILY ("Oh, that's wonderful!" ET CETERA)

GRACIE:

(LOW) Well, thanks a lot, girls. See you in the Easter parade.

SOUND:

LADIES MURMUR GOODBYES

MUSIC:

THEME FOR CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE, WHISTLES

GOODWIN:

Join us again--

GEORGE:

Ah, ladies and gentlemen, Gracie has something very important she'd like to get off her chest. Gracie?

GRACIE:

There's a chain letter going around called "The Luck of London" and this letter claims that I won a large sum of money by not breaking the chain. I would like to say here and now that I have never won anything. In fact, when I receive a chain letter, I tear it up immediately. So please disregard any chain letter which uses my name. Good night.

GEORGE:

Good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN BEHIND GOODWIN--

GOODWIN:

And now stay tuned in for "Noah Webster Says," which follows immediately over most of these stations.

ANNOUNCER:

Does your spouse grouse? She'll love instant Maxwell House. It's instant, it's new, it's good to the last drop, too. Yes, trust Maxwell House to make a better instant coffee. Roaster-fresh true coffee flavor, marvelous true coffee aroma, because it's all coffee -- made from America's favorite, the famous Maxwell House blend. And thrifty: a jar of instant Maxwell House makes fully as much as a pound of regular coffee. Ask for Instant Maxwell House: rich and mellow, good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

SOUND:

ALL FADES OUT ABRUPTLY FOR--

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES