Harlow:

The Johnson Wax Program, with Fibber McGee and Molly!

MFX:

OPENING THEME UP THEN UNDER

Harlow:

The makers of Johnson's wax products for home and industry present Fibber McGee and Molly, written by Don Quinn and Phil Leslie.

MFX: UP AND OUT

Harlow:

I've heard women say that putting Johnson's Glo-Coat on the kitchen linoleum is just like letting a little more sunshine in. And that's true, too. Johnson's self-polishing Glo-Coat makes a kitchen brighter and more cheerful. That hard, gleaming Glo-Coat surface reflects the light, makes linoleum colors brighter, adds sparkle and shine. And Glo-Coat is so easy to use, too. You merely apply, and let dry. There's no rubbing or buffing. Dust, dirt and spilled things can be wiped up with just a whisk or two of a damp cloth. Your linoleum will stay new-looking if you use Johnson's self-polishing Glo-Coat. Hard shoes can't scuff or wear linoleum if you keep a gleaming tough, protective film of wax on your floors. Let Glo-Coat take the punishment. Make your kitchen bright, clean and shining at the same time. Use Johnson's self-polishing Glo- Coat to protect, and bring out the beauty of your home.

MFX: SINGING COMMERCIAL TAG

Harlow:

The newsreels won't cover it, the society reporters will ignore it, so you'd never hear about it if we didn't tell you that this is the night that the no holds barred, root beer, checker, and insult club holds it's regular meeting at 79 Wistful Vista, with Doctor George Gamble, and mister Fibber McGee in attendance. And here getting ready to call the meeting to dis-order, are Fibber McGee and Molly!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Fibber:

Now, lemme see... I got ash trays, checker board and checkers, glasses for the root beers, salted peanuts, score card, towel.....

Molly:

(interrupting) What dya need the towel for?

Fibber:

To mop up with. Doc always starts arguin' and bangin' his fist on the table, and the root beer slops around like Lake Erie in a high wind, and I have to mop up. (pause) Very touchy guy, Doc is.

Molly: I've always considered Doctor Gamble a very even- tempered man.

Fibber:

HIM? EVEN TEMPERED? HA! He goes to pieces like a club sandwich with a loose toothpick! (pause) Hey! What else do we need here?

Molly: Errr... card table?

Fibber:

CARD TABLE! I knew there was something I forgot...

Molly:

I put it out for you this afternoon. It's behind the big chair there. I tried to put it up, but one leg sticks a little.

Fibber: Well, thanks, kiddo, but I can handle it. (pause) Ahh, lemme see... (grunts) This one leg always did stick a little if I remember correct. (grunts) C'MON, BABY! C'MON! C'mon, open up. (grunts more loudly)

SFX:

SOUND OF WOODEN LEG OF TABLE BREAKING

Fibber:

(surprised) OOOOooooh! (pause) Uh-oh... (pause) Busted her off, clean as a whistle. (pause) Well, there goes the old card table, snookie.

Molly: Ya know, it's too bad it isn't a little lower and round. Then if we lived in the country, and had a cow we could use it as a milking stool. (pause) If we knew how to milk.

Fibber:

(chuckles) Well, there's no use trying to fix a new leg on it tonight, I'll fix it tomorrow. Maybe I can catch Doc Gamble on the phone before he leaves home and ask him to bring his card table with him, huh?

Molly:

Sweetheart?

Fibber:

Huh?

Molly:

I've got news for you: This IS Doctor Gamble's card table.

Fibber:

Ohhhhhh!

Molly: You borrowed it for our last bridge party, remember?

Fibber:

OH my gosh! It is at that! Oh, oh...and you know how unreasonable Doc is about stuff of his I borrow and bust! (urgently) I'd better get this dad-ratted thing fixed before he gets here. He's liable to.....

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

Fibber:

(panicked) Oh my gosh! Is that Doc? DON'T LET HIM IN! (rapidly) I told him to be here at 8 O'Clock, and it ain't 8 yet! Tell him to go away! HE'S GOT NO RIGHT TO TRAP ME LIKE THIS!!

Molly:

(soothing) Oh, RELAX, dearie! (pause) It's only Mister Wimple.

Fibber: (relieved) Oh!

Molly:

(calling) COME IN!

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

Molly:

(warmly) Oh, hello, Mister Wimple!

Fibber:

Hiya, Wimp.

Wimple:

Hello, folks!

Fibber:

I'd invite you to stick around to bat the fat, kid, but I'm expecting Doc Gamble for our regular checker game.

Molly: How are things at your house, Mister Wimple?

Wimple:

Ohhh, about as usual, Mrs McGee. I had a little (pause) 'incident' yesterday with Sweetieface.

Fibber: (suspiciously) You mean.....

Wimple:

Yessss (pause) My big ole wife. (pause) See? Sweetieface was practicing her weightlifting, and I said, "what are you doing, honey?" And she said, "I'm practicing my weight lifting." And I said, "My goodness, I said, you do that every time you get out of the chair!" (pause for laugh)

Molly:

Ohhhh my!

Wimple:

Yes! Then, when I regained consciousness again she had left the room. (pause for laugh) So, (chuckles) I bolted her.

Wimple:

200 pound barbell to the floor. (pause for laugh)

Fibber:

That's a situation fraught with peril, if I've ever heard of one! What ensued, Wallace?

Wimple:

Well, it was very interesting, Mister McGee.

Fibber: (interested) Yeah?

Wimple:

Sweetieface came in, flexed her biceps, adjusted her gym bloomers and tried to pick up the barbell.

Molly: (chuckles)

Wimple:

(getting a little more dramatic) Well, she tugged and tugged and tugged and she couldn't raise it an inch.

Fibber: (softly) Wow

Wimple:

Then she took a DEEEEEEEP breath, gave a terrific heave, and suddenly, with a horrible snapping sound, it gave way!

Fibber:

Wow!

Molly:

The barbell, or the floor?

Wimple:

Her girdle. (pause for laugh)

Fibber: (amazed) My gosh!

Wimple:

Yes! (chuckles) Sweetieface hasn't been let out so fast since the Girl Scouts found her smoking cu-bebs in her pup tent! (pause for laugh) Well, I gotta be going now. Goodbye!

Fibber:

So long, Wimp.

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Fibber:

Ahhh, good ole Wimp! I'll bet he dreams up half of them gags with Sweetieface!

Molly:

Did you ever meet her, McGee? They say she's really a fine figure of a woman.

Fibber:

Fine figure is right! She looks like a square root. (pause) Doggone it! What am I gonna do about this card table, Molly?

Fibber:

Why, if Doc finds out it's busted...Oh hey! I know!

Molly:

Yes??

Fibber:

Yeah, look! I'll be sitting at the table when Doc comes in, see...I can hold the busted side up with my lap! He'll never know the leg is gone off it, see?

Molly:

But heavenly days, McGee! You two sometimes play checkers for three or four hours!

Fibber:

Yeah, I know...

Molly:

You can't prop that table with your lap for that long!

Fibber:

(slightly fearful) Oh, maybe not, but I gotta try! I gotta bluff it through SOME way!

Molly: Listen! Why don't you just tell him you broke it, and offer to pay for it? Why do you always have to do everything the hard way?

Fibber: ADMIT TO DOC THAT I BUSTED HIS PRECIOUS CARD TABLE? I ain't THAT big a fool, tootsie! He'll tell us he paid a fortune for.....

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

Molly:

Well, decide on your story, dearie. That must be him.

Fibber:

(excited) Well, let me get set down...OK, shove the table over on to my lap.

Molly:

Like this?

SFX:

SOUND OF TABLE BEING MOVED

Fibber:

No, no! The other way! So I'm holding up the bum
corner. That's it! (getting nervous) OK, let him in.

Molly:

All right

Fibber:

(agitated) Let him in!

MOLLY:

(calling) COME IN

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

Molly:

Oh! Hello, Doctor Gamble!

Gamble:

(warmly) Hello, m'dear!

Fibber:

Oh, hi, Doc, ole man! All set up and waiting for you. Come on over and sit down! (pause) Atta boy! (pause) Well, howz everything, Doc? Everything copasetic at the old splint foundry? Hey, Doc?

Gamble: Are you sure you feel like playing checkers tonight, m'boy? You appear a bit feverish.

Fibber: (annoyed) What are you trying to do, snide-wide? Save yourself a beating?

Gamble:

THAT DOES IT, Muscle bustle! I'm gonna pin your ears so far back, you can hear your spinal chord unraveling!

Molly:

May I take your hat, doctor?

Gamble:

What? Ohh!! Oh, yes! Thank you, Molly! (pause) It is usually the host that leaps up greets his guests for the evening at the door. But not sonny-boy! He thinks politeness is effeminate! Is it true, tallow-bottom....

Fibber:

(knowing he's been insulted) Oooohhhh!! (pause for laugh)

Gamble:

Is it true that the citizens of Peoria got together and burned down the barn you were brought up in?

Fibber: (getting angry) NO IT ISN'T! And if you wanna play checkers, get with it! C'mon! Play checkers!

Gamble: That's a strangely sensible suggestion coming for you. Let's go...

Fibber:

Which color ya want? (quickly) Red or Black? I'll take Black.

Molly:

McGee! The visiting player has the first choice of color.

Fibber:

Since when?

Gamble:

Since the game was first invented by the ancient Egyptians, some 2000 years ago...

Fibber:

Ohhhh! Ohh! You play the OLD rules! (pause for laugh) OK, fatso, lay 'em out...

SFX:

CHECKERS BEING SPREAD ON TABLE (sound continues through following lines)

Gamble:

All right...

Fibber:

There's a black...

Gamble:

Here's a red....(pause) here's another one of your blacks.

Fibber:

All right...

Gamble:

All right, pigeon...your first move! And look! Sit in the MIDDLE of the table, will you? You make me nervous all twisted over at the corner like that....

Molly:

(interrupting) well..err... ya see, doctor...

Fibber:

(interrupting Molly) Errr...I'll tell him, Molly.

Molly:

All right.

Gamble:

Tell me what?

Molly:

That's what I want to know....

Fibber:

(nervous) Well, the fact is, doc, I..err..I GOTTA sit this way! I (nervous chuckle) accidentally sat on the ice pick this afternoon! (nervous chuckle--pause for laugh) Molly told me to watch out for it, but I...errr.... didn't get the point till later! (pause for laugh) Well, here we go, fatso! (pause) I move here....

Gamble:

(happy) And I move HERE!

Fibber:

Right! My move....

Gamble:

I move...

Fibber:

I move...

Gamble:

And I move here...

Fibber:

Hmmmm (pause) Oh! There!

SFX: CHECKER NOISES OUT

MFX:

INTERLUDE

Molly:

Finish another game, boys?

Fibber:

Yep. That's seven games, Molly. Four for me and three for the doctor...

Gamble:

(annoyed) What do you mean, three for me? It's FOUR for me! I won that last game.

Fibber:

(innocently) You did?

Gamble:

Yeahhhhh.

Fibber: Oh my gosh! Of course you did! Ha Ha! I put it down in the wrong column. (chuckles) (patronizingly) Sorry, old man!

Gamble:

(returning the patronizing) It's quite all right, old man. I wouldn't have mentioned it, except that you're as crooked as a crankshaft, and I wouldn't trust you any further than...

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

Fibber:

Somebody at the door, Molly. Get it, will ya?

Gamble:

Why don't YOU get up and answer it, ya lazy rum-dum! Are you glued to that chair?

Fibber:

(soft nervous chuckle)

Gamble:

For two hours you've sat there like a spider with the cramps, letting Molly run errands for you!

Molly: Awww, neither of us ever goes to the door, doc. We always just holler, "COME IN!"

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

Molly:

Oh! It's mister Williams, the weather man, boys. Do come in, mister Williams!

Foggy:

Thank you, Mrs. McGee.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSING

Fibber:

Hiya, Foggy, old man! You know Doc Gamble, I hope?

Foggy:

Yes, indeed! Good evening, doctor.

Gamble:

Hello, Williams. You'll excuse our genial host for not rising to greet you? He comes from an old family of squatters. (pause for laugh) He knows his rights.

Fibber:

Oh, yeah? Well, I...

Molly:

(interrupting) But hasn't it been a nice day, though? You're certainly doing a wonderful job on the weather lately, mister Williams, it's been simply delightful!

Foggy:

(pleased) Ahh! Glad you like it. (flatly) Personally, I'm getting a little bored.

Fibber: Yeah?

Foggy:

(sigh) I sometimes wish I was back with my crew, charting weather conditions in the Brazilian jungle.

Fibber:

(pompous) Brazilian jungles, eh? Never been in Australia, myself...(pause for laugh)

Gamble:

Never been in a geography class either, apparently! (pause for laugh) Run into any trouble down there, Williams?

Foggy:

Well, yes....a bit. Headhunters, you know.

Molly:

(distressed) Oh heavenly days! Weather charting must be pretty dangerous. I'm glad McGee doesn't do that kind of work.

Gamble: (cynically) What would headhunters want with him? (pause for laugh) They'd take one look at that silly looking cranium,
and start seeking HONEST employment! (pause) They get any of your crew, Williams?

Foggy:

Yes...yes they did. They captured a lad named Bodkin that worked with us, and marched him into the jungle.

Fibber:

(softly) Wow

Foggy:

They were Jivaro (Hee-varro) Indians...The ones that shrink human heads.

Molly:

(gasping) Shrink human heads? My GOODNESS! How horrible!

Foggy:

(sigh) Yes, we found him eighteen days later, unharmed, except that his head was shrunk to the size of an apple.

Molly:

(distressed) Ohhh!!

Foggy:

Not a bald one, he still had his hair. (pause) Well, when we returned to the States, he made so much money in side-shows and movies that he became QUITE wealthy.

Fibber: What's money, when you've got a head like an apple? (pause for laugh)

Gamble:

Look who's asking! (pause for laugh)

Foggy:

(continuing his story) BUT, it didn't stay such a small size, strangely enough.

Fibber: No?

Foggy:

No, he went to Hollywood, and they made such a fuss over him that his head swelled to even LARGER than its original dimensions! (pause for laugh) Oh! By the way, doctor...

Gamble:

Yes?

Foggy:

I do dislike breaking up your checker game, but would you come over to my house next door for just a few moments?

Fibber:

Well, can't it wait, Foggy? We were just about to start another game.

Foggy:

No, I'm afraid not, McGee. I have several guests waiting for me to carve the turkey for dinner, and I don't know where to make the incision. (pause for laugh)

Gamble:

Where's my medicine bag? Oh, here it is! I'll be back shortly, McGee. (pause) C'mon, Williams.

Foggy:

Your usual fee, of course, doctor.

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

Foggy: Good night!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSE

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Fibber:

BOY! Am I glad to get Doc outta here for a minute. My legs are so sound asleep, my calves are snoring.

Molly:

(chuckles) Here, let me hold this table, while you get out and stretch a little.

Fibber: (grunts as if having trouble standing) Thanks.

Molly: Is that better?

Fibber:

(feeling relief) Ahhhh, boy! That IS better! (pause) Boy what a relief! By tomorrow, I'm gonna have a couple of Charlie horses so bad, I'll have to use blinders and a whip to get myself down to the Elks Club!

SFX: DOOR OPENING

Fibber and Molly:

(acting very startled)

Molly:

Oh, dear!

Harlow:

Hello, folks (pause) I was just passing.....hey! What are you looking so startled for?

Fibber:

(chuckles)

Harlow:

It's just me, Wilcox, the kid with the products....

Molly:

Well, we thought it was Doctor Gamble, mister Wilcox

Fibber:

Yeah! He went next door for a minute to open up a turkey.

Harlow:

(pause) The BEST straight line I ever had in my life, and I DON'T know what to do with it! (pause) You're NOT bowling tonight, pal?

Fibber: Nope, no bowling tonight.

Molly:

This is his checker-playing night with Doctor Gamble, mister Wilcox.

SFX:

TELEPHONE RINGS TWICE (after first ring, Fibber says)

Fibber:

Answer the phone, will ya, Omaha? It's right behind ya there.

Harlow:

OK, pal.

SFX:

PHONE TAKEN OFF HOOK

Harlow:

(into phone) McGee's residence! (pause) Doctor Gamble? No, but he'll be back very shortly.

Molly: Get the number, mister Wilcox, and we'll have him call back.

Fibber:

Yeah

Harlow:

Who's calling, please? (pause) Who? (pause) Mrs. Cladderhatch?

Molly: Oh, her again...

Fibber:

Oh, tell her Doc Gamble will call, just as soon as he gets back...

Harlow:

Shhh! Shhh! I can't hear. What was that, Mrs Cladderhatch? (pause) Backache and general weariness? (pause) Well, I'm not a doctor, Mrs Cladderhatch, but I know what a lot of women do for that. (pause)

Fibber:

Oh, what does he know?

Harlow:

Eliminate that old-fashioned, down on the knees floor- scrubbing.

Fibber: (grumbling) Ohhhh

Harlow:

What do you mean how? Don't you know about Johnson's Self-Polishing Glo-Coat?

Fibber: Ohhh! This is malpractice!

Molly: Well, if the sales figures are any criterion, Doctor Wilcox has a pretty large practice.....

Fibber:

(interrupting) Huh?

Molly:

(interrupting Fibber) ...the company told me....

Harlow:

(interrupting Molly) Well, here's how it works, Mrs Cladderhatch: With Glo-Coat, you just pour a little out on your linoleum, spread it around with a long-handled applier, and let it dry 20 minutes or less to a beautiful,

Harlow:

glittering sheet of perfection.

Fibber: (still grumbling in background)

Harlow:

No rubbing, no buffing (pause) Why, certainly Mrs. Cladderhatch, it's JOHNSON'S Glo-Coat. G-L-O- C-O-A-T. (pause) That's right. And another thing Mrs. Cladderhatch, it helps restore the color.....

Fibber:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (each 'yeah' a little louder) Waxy! Hang up!

Harlow: Oh! All right. I'll have the doctor call you, Mrs. Cladderhatch (pause) What? (pause) Oh, you're quite welcome! Good bye!

SFX:

PHONE BEING HUNG UP

Fibber:

Dear, dear, dear...

Harlow:

Imagine a housewife not knowing about Glo-Coat these days?

Fibber:

Ohhhhh

Molly:

Mister Wilcox, aren't you getting on dangerous ground, prescribing for backaches over the telephone?

Harlow: Nope! (proudly) I've not only prescribed, I've cured them! Thousands of them!

Fibber: Well, I knew a guy that had a backache that you couldn't have cured! It was organic.

Harlow: (amazed) Organic, eh?

Fibber:

He was an organ grinder, (pause for laugh) Carrying that thing for 15 miles every day, gave him such a crick in the back he had to wear pontoons on his suspenders! (pause for laugh)

Harlow:

(chuckles) Ya know, that reminds me of my uncle, Big Steinway Wilcox...

Fibber:

(amused)

Harlow:

He was a piano mover. GRAND Upright character!

Molly and Fibber:

(reacting to bad pun) Ohhhhhhhh! (pause for laugh)

Molly:

What happened to him, Mister Wilcox?

Harlow:

Welllllll, he took the job because he loved music. Had a wonderful voice, as good as Carmen Lombardo any day of the week. (pause) Then he had his accident.

Fibber: (suspicious) Yeahhhhh??

Harlow:

A piano fell on him from a 13th floor window.

Molly:

Heavenly days!

Fibber:

That's an unlucky number of floors to have a piano fall on you from! (pause for laugh)

Harlow: Well, ya know what?

Fibber:

What?

Harlow:

Ever since then, he sings FLAT.

Fibber and Molly:

(realizing they've been had) Ooooooooooooooooh! (pause for laugh)

Harlow:

Well, I'd better get back to the office, see you later, folks!

SFX:

DOOR SHUTTING

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Molly:

Hadn't you better get that table back in your lap, dearie? Doctor Gamble might be back before you know it.

Fibber:

Yeah, but I'd like to stretch my legs for as long as I can. I'm stiffer than a neck at a tennis match.

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

Fibber:

(excited) Oh, my gosh! Here he comes!

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

Fibber:

(scared and excited) WAIT DOC! DON'T COME IN YET, DOC!

Teenie:

Hi, mister!

Fibber:

(relieved) Ohhh! Well, I'll be....(laughs) Hi, Teenie.

Molly:

Hello, Teenie.

Teenie:

Hi, Mister McGee.

Fibber:

Oh, I thought you were Doc Gamble, Teenie.

Teenie:

Gee! I don't know why! He's lots fatter than me.

Fibber:

(chuckles) Yeah, and he isn't half as cute, either. (pause) Hey! Where are you going, Molly?

Molly:

I'm going out and make you boys some sandwiches.

Fibber:

Oh!

Molly:

(off mic) Make yourself at home, Teenie.

Teenie:

Thanks, Mrs McGee! (pause) Ahhhh! There goes a good kid. (pause) Hey, whatcha doin', mister? Hmm? whatcha?

Fibber:

I and Doc Gamble are playing checkers, sis. (pause) You know checkers, of course?

Teenie:

Oh, sure I do, I betcha! Willie Toops went horseback riding in the woods last summer and he came home just COVERED with checkers! (pause for laugh)

Fibber:

Covered with checkers?

Teenie:

Sure! They put 'twerpentine' on him, and 'alcomehol' and everything!

Fibber: Yeah?

Teenie:

Willie says they dig right into your skin!

Fibber:

(chuckling) Oh, ho, ho, ho, those are CHIGGARS, sis.

Teenie:

Hmm???

Fibber:

(emphatically) CHIGGARS!

Teenie:

Why? Who's comin'? (pause for laugh)

Fibber:

I mean, what Willie had was Chiggars. These are different. These are just little round pieces of wood painted red and black. Here! Take a good look at one of them.

Teenie: (giggles)

Fibber:

Yeah!

Teenie: No legs.

Fibber: No.

Teenie: Well, these things wouldn't bite anybody, I betcha!

Fibber:

Why certainly not. Perfectly harmless.

Teenie:

Oh (giggles) Oh boy! Have I ever got the goods on Willie though! He thinks he got bit all over with little round pieces of wood! (pause for laugh)

Fibber:

(chuckles)

Teenie:

He'll buy my sodas all spring, or I'll tell everybody in the third grade! (pause) And it won't be long, either. Spring is almost here, ya know.

Fibber:

Oh, you think so, eh?

Teenie:

Sure! I was passing your house this morning and right out on your front lawn, with its little head bobbing up and down, what do you think I saw?

Fibber:

A robin??

Teenie:

No. Willie Toops's dog. He was burying your morning paper. (pause for laugh) Well, bye, mister!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

MFX:

TRANSITION

Fibber:

Well, it's your move, fatso. Your move....c'mon, quit stalling.

Gamble:

I'm not stalling, snare drum, I'm thinking.

Fibber:

(skeptically) Oh, yeah? What with? Just because I got you

Fibber:

practically cornered, you start stalling!

Gamble: Who's got WHO cornered? THERE!

SFX:

SOUND OF CHECKER JUMPING ANOTHER

Gamble:

AND THERE!

SFX:

ANOTHER CHECKER JUMP

Fibber:

Oooooohh!

Gamble:

AND THERE!

SFX:

ANOTHER CHECKER JUMP

Fibber:

Ooooooooohhhhhhh!

Gamble:

(defiantly) KING ME, PIGEON!

Fibber:

(wearily) Three men!

Molly: That was GOOD, doctor!

Gamble:

When he plays checkers with me, he's a little over his head, that's all. I feel like Bobby Riggs playing tennis against a fat lady with tight slacks and high heels!

Molly: (laughs)

Gamble: (annoyed) Go on, move, stupid!

Fibber:

OK, chowder head! I'll move here!

SFX:

CHECKER NOISE

Gamble:

So, I'll move HERE!

SFX:

CHECKER NOISE

Fibber:

And I'll move here, (voice rising) and HERE, AND HERE!

SFX:

CHECKER NOISE

Gamble:

Oh, no you don't! You can't move that man backwards!

Gamble:

Put it back!

Fibber:

(getting angry) Put WHAT man back?

Gamble:

THAT ONE, RIGHT THERE!

Fibber:

(reluctantly) OK, but I already took two men.

Gamble:

PUT THEM BACK!

Fibber:

OK, hard loser.

SFX:

CHECKERS HITTING TABLE

Fibber:

Wanted to see if you're on your toes, that's all...

SFX:

KNOCK ON DOOR

Fibber:

It's your move!

Molly:

COME IN!

SFX:

DOOR OPENING

Molly:

Oh! It's the old timer! Hello, mister old timer.

SFX:

DOOR SHUTTING

Gamble:

There! (pause) Your move, McGee.

Fibber:

(worried) I know it. (pause) I'll move here.

Old Timer:

HELLO THERE, KIDS! WHATCHA' PLAYIN', DOMINOES? (pause for laugh) (a little softer) Never seen any round dominoes before, must be a NEW kind.

Molly:

They're playing checkers, mister Old timer.

Old Timer:

(disbelieving) Ohhhhh! Now don't go pullin' my leg, daughter. I've played PLENTY of checkers back in my FBI days.

Molly:

(impressed) Your FBI days?

Gamble:

I moved.

Molly:

Were you FBI, mister Old timer?

Old Timer:

YEP! Farm Boy from Indiana! (pause for laugh) Used to set around the firehouse ALL DAY LONG playing checkers with the firemen. But we didn't have no fancy equipment like that!

Fibber: (softly) I moved.

Old Timer:

Played it with beer bottle caps. Had two teams: The Budweisers 'versius' The Pabsts. (pause for laugh) I was so good at it, they elected me Pabst Grand Master two years runnin'.

Molly: That was a good move, Doctor.

Gamble:

Thanks, I think I got him now.

Fibber:

(wise guy) Oh! You think so, do ya? Well try this one on for size, smart boy!

SFX:

CHECKER JUMPING SOUND

Old Timer:

(louder) THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT RESTLESS, AND SET OUT TO SEE THE WORLD, KIDS! (pause) I WAS GONE THIRTY-TWO YEARS! (pause) WHEN I COME BACK, I'D SEEN EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO SEE BETWEEN TERRE HAUTE AND INDIANAPOLIS! (pause for laugh)

Fibber: (assured) I think I got him now, Molly.

Molly:

What do you think, Doctor?

Gamble:

Well, let me consider the situation a minute. (pause) Let me see... if I move here... he moves there... Hmmmm.

Old Timer:

(interrupting) NEVER FORGET ONE TIME I WAS THUMBIN' MY WAY (pause if there's a laugh) ON A FREIGHT TRAIN, AND GOT LOCKED INTO A CAR FULL OF SHEEP AND GOATS! NO SOONER GOT OUT THAN THE COPS PICKED ME UP, AND I GOT 30 DAYS IN THE 'SNEEZER', CHARGED WITH 'FRAGRENCY' (pause for laugh)

Gamble: Well, it's a bad situation....

Old Timer:

I'll say it was, Doctor! There I was, 40 miles from home.....

Fibber:

(interrupting) Can't move, eh?

Old Timer:

Oh, I could move around a little, Johnny, (pause for laugh) but them animal cars ain't very big! Ya gotta inhale to turn around!

Molly: Looks to me like the game's about over.

Old Timer:

That's the way it looked to me, daughter! Then I happened to remember I had a little bottle of soup with me I had bought from a bank robber for just such an emergency. I poured it into the lock of the door, made a fuse outta' my shirt tail, lit 'er up, and crawled under my cot. (dramatically) Half an hour went by and nuthin' happened.

Molly:

Nitroglycerin no good?

Old Timer:

When the fellow told me it was soup, I naturally thought it was nitro, too! But it wasn't! I tasted it, and it was JUST PLAIN SOUP! Chicken noodle!

Molly:

(coyly) Too bad it wasn't alphabet soup, you mighta' gotten out after a SPELL. (pause for laugh)

Old Timer:

After a spell? (then he gets it) (high-pitched laugh) Oh, that's pretty good, daughter. BUT THAT AIN'T THE WAY I HEEEEERD IT! The way I heeered it, one feller says to t'other feller, 'saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy, Ted, he says. You know what's the difference between Lana Turner and a trip to Paris? Nope, says t'other feller. (pause) And who cares? Nobody's listenin' anyway! S'Long, daughter!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

SFX:

APPLAUSE

Fibber:

Who was that that just went out?

Molly:

The Old timer.

Gamble:

Oh, was he here? What did he want? (pause) I move here.

SFX:

CHECKER JUMPING SOUNDS UNDER NEXT LINES

Gamble:

...and HERE (pause) and HERE! (pause) AND HERE!

Fibber:

(reacts to each of the above moves)

Gamble:

(emphatically) AND THAT'S THE GAME, CHUMP-WELL!

Fibber:

(sheepishly) ...wellllll, I'll be...and I never saw that one comin', Doc, I was.....(in pain) OOOOHHH!!!!! OHHH!

Gamble:

What's the matter? Do you find losing THAT painful?

Fibber:

(nervous chuckle) Oh, I just got a little cramp in my leg is all. I'll be OK in a minute.

Gamble: Well, I'm not surprised...you've been sitting at the table like you had sand in your bearings. (pause) Get up! Stamp around! I'll hold the busted card table for ya'.

Molly: What???

Fibber:

Well, that's nice of yo.....WHAT???? YOU KNEW THAT CARDTABLE WAS.....

Gamble:

(interrupting) Why certainly, certainly! That table's been falling apart for years.

Fibber: Why you! (then gets another cramp) OWWWW!

Gamble:

Well, it's been fun, kids, thanks for everything, Molly.

Fibber:

(still in pain) Why you big...........of all the DIRTY...

Gamble:

Good night!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

Fibber:

(ANGRY) Why that big....(pause) If I had.....(calming down) How much root beer did he drink?

Molly: Ya know, if I were you, dearie, I'd refuse to pay him for those last X-Rays.

Fibber: (confused) Huh?

Molly:

If you're as TRANSPARENT as all that, they weren't necessary. (pause for laugh)

Fibber: Oh, pshaw!

MFX:

SHORT STING

Harlow:

Fibber and Molly return in a moment. (pause) Say, don't let anyone tell you that you can't do two things at once, friends. You CAN! And easily! You can clean your furniture and at the same time polish it with new Johnson's Cream Wax. Here's how it works: Johnson's Cream Wax contains highly-effective cleaning ingredients that quickly remove all smudges and stains. Leaves a fine film of tough wax that buffs so easily to a shining luster. Not only does Cream Wax remove fingerprints, and smudges, but it also protects furniture from the stains and smudges of tomorrow. After you use Johnson's Cream Wax, a light dusting will keep your furniture bright and glowing. There just isn't any reason why you should let dust-catching oily polish make your lovely things dull and drab. Remember: There's not one single drop of oil in Johnson's Cream Wax. Try it on light colored woodwork, and kitchen equipment, too. It's the modern method of keeping all furniture clean and sparkling. You'll be delighted when you see how Johnson's Cream Wax brings out the beauty of your home.

MFX:

SINGING COMMERCIAL TAG

Harlow:

Now, here they are again, Fibber McGee and Molly.

Fibber:

Ahhhh! Boy! It feels good to stand up and stretch a while.

Molly:

I'll bet!

Fibber:

Am I ever glad to get up off that chair! If I'da sat on it any longer, I'da grew there!

Molly:

As a matter of fact, you HAVE grown there.

Fibber:

Huh?

Molly:

(chiding) I had to let out your slacks again this afternoon!

Fibber:

Yeah, but what's that got to do....(suddenly gets it) OHHH! (embarrassed) Oh....ahh.....good night...

Molly:

(chuckling) Good night, all!

SFX:

APPLAUSE

MFX:

THEME MUSIC UP THEN UNDER

Harlow:

The makers of Johnson's Wax Produts, Racine, Wisconsin, bring you Fibber McGee and Molly each Tuesday night at this time. Be with us again next week, won't you? GOODNIGHT!

MFX:

THEME UP AND OUT

MFX:

NBC TAG AND CHIMES