Announcer:
Now here are John and Blanche Bickerson in the honeymoon's over. (pause) Like most married women, Blanche Bickerson is a romanticist. Having talked poor husband John into taking her on a 2nd honeymoon, 3 O'clock in the morning finds Mrs Bickerson in the lobby of a small hotel at Niagra Falls. Exhausted and bleary-eyed from the long drive, John Bickerson unloads the luggage outside, as his wide-awake wife talks to the night clerk. Listen...
Blanche:
It doesn't really matter about the room, as long as we have a nice view of the falls.
Clerk:
(bored) Yes, ma'am
Blanche I'll bet you don't remember me
Clerk:
(even more bored) No, ma'am
Blanche:
We'll, I wouldn't expect you to with all the honeymoon couples you meet. I was here 7 years ago.
Clerk:
Is that so?
Blanche:
Yes
Clerk:
(cynically) Well, better luck this time!
Blanche:
Oh, we're still married to each other! We're just having a 2nd honeymoon..... Do many people do that?
Clerk:
No, ma'am.
Blanche:
I wonder why?
Clerk:
I wouldn't know, ma'am.
Blanche:
Are you married?
Clerk:
(cynically) No, ma'am, arthritis makes me walk this way. (pause) Will you please sign the register?
Blanche:
Oh, I'm sorry! Last time we were here we had to wait 2 days for a room. We stayed in a motel in Buffalo......... here you are.
Clerk:
Thank you (pause) Is that Bickerson?
Blanche:
Yes...didn't I sign it right?
Clerk:
Yes, ma'am (pause) Mrs John Bickerson and husband (pause) Here's the key, Room 318. There's the automatic elevator over there. We don't have any bell boys at night.
Blanche:
Oh, that's all right. I'll go out to the car and get my husband.
SFX:
LIGHT FOOTSTEPS
Blanche:
(calling) John! (pause) Where is he?..... He's not in the car...... I wonder if he took the luggage out of the trunk?
SFX:
CAR TRUNK OPENING
John:
(LOUD snore)
Blanche:
Good heavens!
John:
(whimpering snore)
Blanche:
(annoyed) John! Get out of that trunk, you darned fool!
John:
(Short siren-like snore)
Blanche:
John! John! John!
John:
(whining) Blanche! Blanche! Blanche! Shut the door! There's a draft!
Blanche:
(annoyed) Come out of that thing!
John:
All right, all right, all right! Don't pull!
SFX:
CAR TRUNK SLAMMING SHUT
John:
OWWWWWW! MY HANDDDDDDDD!!
Blanche:
Serves you right! Pick up that luggage and straighten yourself up!
John:
(still in pain) Owwww
Blanche:
I don't want you to go in that nice hotel looking like a ragamuffin!
John:
(muttering) It's a nice muffin (pause) (Louder) Grab a couple of these bags, will ya, Blanche?
Blanche:
(upset) NO! It wouldn't look right on our honeymoon.......COME ON!
John:
(still in pain) Oh, my back! -- where's the bell boy?
Clerk:
We don't have any at night.
John:
Are you the clerk?
Clerk:
Yes, sir
John:
Where's the register? I want a room with a BED!
Blanche:
I've already signed it. You've GOT a room.
John:
GOOD! Where are YOU gonna sleep?
Blanche:
Come on, John. Stop dragging your feet!
John:
(tired) I just drove 2000 miles for a 2nd honeymoon. Lead me to my room.
Blanche:
You HAD to talk like that in front of the clerk!
John:
(desperately wanting sleep) Oh, let me sleep, will ya, Blanche?
Blanche:
(mad) I'd just like to go one place with you that you didn't embarrass and humiliate me! You've been unbearable since we left home! (ordering) KEEP GOING!
John:
In here?
Blanche:
Yes! Pull the bags in so I can shut the door.
SFX:
DOOR SLIDING SHUT
John:
No windows! No nuthin'! How much do they get for this broken-down room?
Blanche:
This is the ELEVATOR!
John:
(embarrassed) Oh (pause) Well, push the button or something, and get it started. I can't keep My eyes open another minute!
Blanche:
I was afraid this would happen. I'd hoped that going on a 2nd honeymoon would bring us closer Together
John:
Can't get much closer than this........unless you throw the luggage out.
Blanche:
Every time I want you to be romantic, you're so distant, John. What is it keeping us apart?
John:
The brown suitcase (pause) (whining) What floor are we on? I'm sleepy.
Blanche:
(annoyed) You're ALWAYS sleepy! When you're not sleepy, you're humiliating me. I'll never be able to face that night clerk in the morning!
John:
You won't have to
Blanche:
(mad) Why not?
John:
There'll be a DAY clerk. (pause) Which way is the room?
Blanche:
(still upset) I don't know, and I don't care! I'm gonna stay in the elevator!
John:
(begging) Oh, come on, will ya, Blanch?
Blanche:
(demanding) Well, say you're sorry!
John:
(annoyed) I'M SORRY! Now, where's the room?
Blanche:
Right in front of you -- 318
John:
Well open the door before I collapse!
SFX:
DOOR OPEN
John:
(subdued) Thank heaven! I GOTTA get some sleep!
Blanche:
(demanding) Well, put the lights on! Don't stumble around in the dark!
John:
Don't wanna open my eyes. Just aim me at the bed and give me a shove
Blanche:
I'm NOT gonna let you sleep until you undress properly and unpack the luggage.
John:
(annoyed) Awww, Blanche! Why didja have to bring so much stuff?
Blanche:
You've got as much stuff as I have!
John:
I have NOT! All I brought was my tooth brush and my overnight bottle.
Blanche:
(pause) You and that bourbon! You wouldn't take 5 steps away from home without it!
John:
Well, I can still remember what happened when we got snow bound in that cabin!
Blanche:
That wasn't so terrible.
John:
Ohhh, not much! I had to live for 2 weeks on nothing but FOOD AND WATER! (pause)
Blanche:
Don't throw my things around like that!
John:
There's no closet! Where shall I put these dresses?
Blanche:
In the drawer
John:
Where do you want these drawers?
Blanche:
In the dresser. (pause) Fold up your pants neatly, and put them under the mattress.
John:
OK
Blanche:
(exasperated) Well, TAKE THEM OFF FIRST, John! (long pause) What a fool I was To think you'd change! (angry) This 2nd honeymoon was just as big a mistake as our first one!
John:
(defiant) Ohhhh NO IT WASN'T!
Blanche (upset) I'm so sorry you made me go on this trip that I could just DIE!
John:
(mad) I DIDN'T make you go --- You Shanghaied me! Even tried to get me to marry you again!
Blanche:
Was that such an unreasonable request?
John:
(emphatic) YES! IT ISN'T LEGAL!
Blanche:
Why not?
John:
A man can't be punished twice for the same crime!
Blanche:
(pause) Oh, that's too bad about you! How you shame me in front of all my friends - and after I sent the invitations out, too!
John:
Well, I WASN'T gonna have any formal wedding and put out a lot of dough to feed your hungry friends and their squalling brats!
Blanche:
There WOULDN'T have been any brats there at all!
John:
How do YOU know?
Blanche:
Cuz it said plainly on the invitation, 'Mister and Misses John Bickerson will be married March ninth NO children expected. (pause)
John:
(tired) Put out the lights.
Blanche:
I'm never going back to that horrible apartment we live in! (pause) I'm gonna sit here and stare at the falls forever. (pause) Wouldn't hurt you to look at them, either.
John:
I see them every day on the Shredded Wheat box
Blanche:
How can you be so cynical? I'm glad I have a little romance in my soul. (pause) (lovingly) Just The sight of those falls brings back memories.....
John:
(nearly asleep) Mmmmmm yeahhhh
Blanche:
(demanding) Sit up, John! Look at that cascade. Doesn't it remind you of something?
John:
Yeah....
Blanche:
What, John?
John:
I think I left the water running in the bathtub!
Blanche:
(amazed) John! You didn't!?!
John:
(sheepishly) OK, I didn't! Goodnight, Blanche!
Blanche:
I never should have trusted you to lock up. Now I'm REALLY worried. Did you close all The windows?
John:
Closed the windows
Blanche:
You didn't leave any lights burning, did you?
John:
Uhhh....no.
Blanche:
Did you leave food for the cat?
John:
Left enough for a week.
Blanche:
What did you leave him?
John:
(smart aleck) A six pound tin of corned beef!
Blanche:
Did you empty it into a plate?
John:
No
Blanche:
Well, how do you expect the cat to eat it?
John:
I left a can opener on top! (pause) (emphatic) Stop worrying about that cat!
Blanche:
We should have taken all the animals with us (pause) Poor little canary, locked in the cage, cat Can't get out of the house, and WHO is gonna feed the gold fish? I'll bet they're terribly unhappy
John:
Oh, they're not unhappy, they're having a fine vacation.
Blanche:
They are NOT!
John:
They are TOO! When I left the cat was fishing!
Blanche:
(incredulous) Fishing? (short pause) WHERE?
John:
In the gold fish bowl! He was using the canary for bait! (pause)
Blanche:
JOHN BICKERSON!
John:
(interrupting) Oh, go to sleep. The canary and the gold fish are fine, and I wish the cat would drop dead!
Blanche:
Don't talk like that! I love that cat! When I get home, I'm gonna enter him in a cat show.
John:
What for? He couldn't win anything.
Blanche:
Maybe not, but he'd meet a lot of nice cats.
John:
Go to sleep, will ya, Blanche?
Blanche:
(defiantly) I'm NOT sleepy! Why don't you sit up and talk to me?
John:
(pleading) Blanche, people don't talk at 4 in the morning!
Blanche:
You talked until 5 o'clock on our first honeymoon. (nostalgically) You kept reciting poetry, And telling me how beautiful I was. Do you remember what you said, John?
John:
No
Blanche:
(fondly) You told me your love for me was like a raging inferno! You said you had a fierce fire blazing in your breast like a live coal. (pause) What happened to it, John?
John:
It's only a clinker now! (pause)
Blanche:
(near tears) How can you say such terrible things to me?
John:
(protesting) Blanche, I'm so sleepy I don't know what I'm saying!
Blanche:
(chiding) I'd like to hear you say things like that to Gloria Gooseby!
John:
(agitated) OOOOOH! Can't I even go to Niagra Falls without Gloria Gooseby?
Blanche:
The only reason you didn't was because she wouldn't have you!
John:
WHAT??
Blanche:
You proposed to her FIFTEEN times before you proposed to me! You big second fiddle, you!
John:
(mad) I NEVER proposed to Gloria Gooseby, and YOU KNOW IT! And the next time I see Her, I'm gonna punch her husband Leo right in the nose!
Blanche:
What have you got against Leo? He's a better husband than you are!
John:
(still mad) I'm SICK of hearing that, too! Leo Gooseby is a cheap chiseling BUM!
Blanche:
(defensively) He is NOT! He's more generous than you!
John:
(mad and very rapid fire) Would Leo Gooseby give you a new dress? NO! Would he give you A new hat? NO! Would he give you a mink coat? NO!
Blanche:
(hopefully) Would YOU give me a mink coat?
John:
(quickly) NO!! Why should I give you anything Leo wouldn't?
Blanche:
Stop screaming! You'll wake up the whole hotel!
John:
Well, stop goading me! You want me to do nothing but fight, FIGHT, FIGHT!
Blanche:
No, I don't! (pause) All I do is ask for proof you love me, and you go into a tantrum!
John:
(pleading) Blanche, what more proof do you want? I tell it to you a thousand times a day! I raise A new crop of freckles to spell out I love you. I painted it on all the Burma Shave Signs!
SFX:
KNOCK ON DOOR
Blanche:
Somebody's at the door, John
Woman's voice:
Honey?
SFX:
KNOCK ON DOOR
Woman's voice:
Honey?? (short pause) Honey??? (short pause) (loudly) HONEY???
John:
(exasperated and LOUDLY) Madam! This is NOT a beehive, it's my bedroom! (long pause) (not as loudly) What are people wandering around in the halls this time of night for? (muttering) Broken down hotel....
Blanche:
Don't be so crabby! It's probably some nice little bride who can't find her husband. Maybe he's lost.
John:
He isn't lost......... He's HIDING! (pause) Put out the lights, will ya, Blanche? I've got a VILE headache!
Blanche:
(scolding) Nobody told you to yell your brains out!
John:
(ignoring her) Good night
Blanche:
If you just stand here and look art the falls for a few minutes, your headache will go away, and you'll sleep fine.
John:
(nearly asleep) Mmmmm
Blanche:
Where DOES all that water come from? (short pause) I once read it goes over at the rate of 346,000 gallons a second. (pause) John?
John:
(startled from sleep) Yeah??
Blanche:
Are the falls higher on the American side or the Canadian side?
John:
I don't know
Blanche:
I'll have to find out in the morning. (pause) What a majestic spectacle! (pause) I'm convinced There's NOTHING in the world like Niagra Falls!
John:
(sweetly) Except you, Blanche
Blanche:
(excited) Really, John? Why do you say that?
John:
(meanly) Cuz YOU never dry up, either!
Blanche:
Good night, John
[applause]
Theme music up and out