ANNOUNCER:

Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay, and Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

It's time once again for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS, written by Al Lewis. Well, last Tuesday was Valentine's Day and our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, looked forward to celebrating the occasion with Madison's biology teacher, Mr. Philip Boynton.

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) Of course Mr. Boynton isn't the most dashing person in the world. But what he lacks in ardent emotion, he more than makes up for by his passionate lack of interest in romance. ... In fact, I have long suspected that if Mr. Boynton is ever hit by one of Dan Cupid's arrows, he'll remove it with a scalpel, cauterize the wound, and kick Cupid right in his quiver. ... I was discussing my reluctant dreamboat with my landlady last Tuesday at breakfast.

DAVIS:

I can't understand it Connie. You're young, attractive, good company, charming--

BROOKS:

Thanks, Mrs. Davis. What are you doing after school? ...

DAVIS:

I'm serious. Somebody ought to take Mr. Boynton by the shoulders and give him a good shaking.

BROOKS:

I've tried that, but he's not a very good rumba dancer. ... Besides, I really shouldn't complain. We've been out on several dates in the past few weeks.

DAVIS:

I know that, dear. But where does he take you on these dates?

BROOKS:

To the zoo. ...

DAVIS:

Exactly. And he took you there again yesterday, didn't he?

BROOKS:

How do you know?

DAVIS:

It's obvious.

BROOKS:

If it's that obvious, I'd better spray a little Sweet-Aire around. ...

DAVIS:

I knew you were at the zoo by the way you were dreaming last night. I got up to get some water and as I passed your room you were screaming like a wounded buffalo.

BROOKS:

Why, that's absurd, Mrs. Davis. I don't know what I'd be screaming about. It was only a flesh wound. ...

DAVIS:

Well, cheer up, dear. Here are some Valentine greetings that came for you this morning.

BROOKS:

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Davis. Let's see. This one's from Walter Denton. I recognize the handwriting. (SOUND: OPENS ENVELOPE) Well! An original poem.

DAVIS:

Read it out loud, Connie.

BROOKS:

All right. It says,
"My heart tick-ticks for you, my queen,
With the steady watch beat of a new Longines. [PRONOUNCED LON-JEEN]
Dear Miss Brooks, I think you're keen.
Won't you be my valen-teen?" ...

DAVIS:

Valen-teen?

BROOKS:

That's the feminine gender. ... (SOUND: OPENS ENVELOPE) Listen to this, Mrs. Davis. This is from Stretch Snodgrass.

DAVIS:

Really? You mean he can write?

BROOKS:

Just about. ... Here it is:
"When it comes to ath-a-letics I get plenty of breaks,
But when it comes to scholastics I ain't no great shakes.
But since being in your English class, I don't sing the blues,
'Cause nobody nowhere never taught me better than youse." ...
(DRY) Now that's what I call a flattering Valentine. ...

DAVIS:

Why don't you open this next one, Connie? Even I can recognize the sender of that.

BROOKS:

How?

DAVIS:

Mr. Boynton put his return address on the envelope.

BROOKS:

Naturally. When he invests in a stamp, he wants to be sure it gets somewhere. ... (SOUND: OPENS ENVELOPE) Well! Listen to this.
"You're on my mind where e'er I go
Even when I'm alone at a picture show,
But especially do I think of you
When I happen to pass our local zoo." ...

DAVIS:

There he goes again. How about you, Connie? Did you send Mr. Boynton a Valentine greeting?

BROOKS:

Yes, I mailed it yesterday. I didn't sign it of course, but I think he'll know where it came from.

DAVIS:

What did you say in your greeting, Connie?

BROOKS:

It was an original bit of verse, Mrs. Davis, called "I Must Go Where the Wild Goose Goes." ... Let's see if I can remember it. Oh, yes.
"To my valentine, Mr. Boynton,
Though I must go where the wild goose goes,
I also know what the wild goose knows.
You'll think I'm jesting, I suppose,
But no goose winds up in any zoo if he's really on his toes." ...

DAVIS:

Why, Connie, that's beautiful. It's a wonderful idea for a song.

BROOKS:

Oh, I don't know. It's not very commercial. ... But I've been thinking, Mrs. Davis, today being Valentine's Day, I'd like to get Mr. Boynton to take me to a restaurant for a change.

DAVIS:

Where does he usually take you to dinner?

BROOKS:

We split a hamburger in front of the lion's cage. ... And I strongly suspect it's the same kind of meat the lion gets. ... Of course, there's one thing I should be grateful for, I suppose.

DAVIS:

What's that?

BROOKS:

He doesn't serve it to me on the end of a stick. ...

DAVIS:

I'm sure Mr. Boynton realizes that this is a holiday, Connie. He'll probably take you to a lovely restaurant.

BROOKS:

No, he won't, Mrs. Davis. He was just telling me yesterday how pressed he is for money. Seems he spent two dollars for a rare white mouse. He's experimenting with it at his home.

DAVIS:

At his home? Good heavens, Connie, how can Mr. Boynton live in a place with a white mouse?

BROOKS:

He's got twin beds. ... But to get back to my date tonight. If I had a little extra money, I'd pretend I owed it to Mr. Boynton for some ancient debt and force it on him. Then he'd have to take me to a nice place to eat.

DAVIS:

That sounds like an excellent idea, Connie. Do you have any extra money?

BROOKS:

One dollar net. Now if I had another dollar or two, I could-- (INSPIRED) Mrs. Davis!

DAVIS:

(BEAT, THEN QUICKLY) I pass, Connie. ... I barely have enough money to do today's shopping. I'd love to help you, dear, but--

BROOKS:

Oh, forget it, Mrs. Davis. I guess I'll have to forget it, too.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

BROOKS:

Oh, that must be Walter Denton. He's driving me down to school this morning.

DAVIS:

Again? What's wrong with your car?

BROOKS:

(DARKLY) Yes. (QUICKLY CALLS) Come in, Walter! ...

DAVIS:

I'll fix some more toast and get some jelly out. (MOVING OFF) That boy's one of the biggest eaters I've ever seen.

BROOKS:

He does do pretty well by the groceries.

WALTER:

"Valentine's Day greetings to the fairest of the fair! / And I hope my little verses aren't getting in your hair." ...

BROOKS:

"Your rhymes are most enchanting, but upon them let's not brood. / Pull the chair up to the table and start swilling up your food." ...

WALTER:

That's what I like about Valentine's Day, Miss Brooks. It puts everybody in such a good humor. But before I join you for breakfast, there's something I'd like to take care of.

BROOKS:

What's that?

WALTER:

Here's the buck I owe ya. You lent it to me way back in September for a ticket to the ball game. I'll bet you don't even remember it.

BROOKS:

What do you want to bet? ...

WALTER:

Here, Miss Brooks, take it. And if you don't mind a rather personal suggestion: why don't you slip the dollar to Mr. Boynton?

BROOKS:

Mr. Boynton?

WALTER:

Sure! So he'll take you to a restaurant for once instead of the zoo.

BROOKS:

What?!

WALTER:

Yeah. You could tell him you owe him the money for some ancient debt or something.

BROOKS:

Walter, how can you even think of such a thing -- too? ... That is, I know you mean well, but-- (LOW) Do you really think it'll work?

WALTER:

Sure, it'll work.

BROOKS:

Well, how about you? It won't leave you short, will it?

WALTER:

Oh, not a bit. I got the money from Stretch Snodgrass last night. He's owed it to me since August.

BROOKS:

But Stretch doesn't make very much working in his father's pet shop. Maybe you shouldn't have taken it from him.

WALTER:

Oh, he doesn't work at the pet shop any more. His father fired him after the beef.

BROOKS:

Beef?

WALTER:

Yeah. You know what a temper Stretch has. Well, last Monday he bit an orangutan. ...

BROOKS:

How hungry can you get? ...

WALTER:

Well, his father just means to punish him, I guess, but meanwhile Stretch wound up with a job after school that pays three times as much.

BROOKS:

Where's he working?

WALTER:

In Turkey Heaven.

BROOKS:

How did he get in? I mean-- ... What in the world is Turkey Heaven?

WALTER:

Oh, it's a restaurant, Miss Brooks. Of course, Stretch is only a busboy now, but who knows how far he can go if Mr. Turk takes a liking to him?

BROOKS:

Mr. Turk?

WALTER:

The owner. Turk's Turkey Heaven the place is called.

BROOKS:

If you tell me Mr. Turk's first name is Tom, I'll hit you with a drumstick. ...

WALTER:

Ah, it's a swell spot, Miss Brooks. Maybe Mr. Boynton will take you there some night.

BROOKS:

Not unless they sell turkey burgers and have a lion in the window. ... Honestly, I'm so fed up with the zoo, I'd almost rather stay home tonight. (INSPIRED) Wait a minute! If I add this dollar you gave me to the one I've got already, we could-- Come on, Walter, we've got to get down to school for the election!

WALTER:

What election?

BROOKS:

I've just elected Mr. Boynton the man most likely to blow me to dinner with my own money. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

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MUSIC:

THEME ... FOR TRANSITION

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) Well, we got to school before it was time for my first class and I headed directly for the biology lab to confirm my Valentine date with Mr. Boynton. His enthusiastic reply to my reminder almost swept me off my feet.

BOYNTON:

I guess we could kill a couple of hours somewhere. ... But frankly, Miss Brooks, if you're expecting any elaborate celebrations--

BROOKS:

Of course I'm not, Mr. Boynton. I just thought we could do something simple and inexpensive.

BOYNTON:

You mean like go to the--

BROOKS:

(INTERRUPTS, FLATLY) No. ... Look, before we make any plans, let me give you these two dollars I owe you.

BOYNTON:

Two dollars?

BROOKS:

Yes, it was for, er, er, gas. I picked you up in my car one night last May and when we ran out of gas you bought ten gallons for me.

BOYNTON:

I bought ten gallons?! ...

BROOKS:

You had a beer with your dinner. ...

BOYNTON:

Let me think a minute. You say this happened one night last May? May? Say, was that the evening we were coming from the zoo?

BROOKS:

We weren't coming from the casino in Monte Carlo. ... Here, Mr. Boynton, take the two dollars.

BOYNTON:

Oh, but I don't seem to remember this incident, Miss Brooks. Let me take a look in my little black book.

BROOKS:

Black book?

BOYNTON:

Oh, yes, I enter all my expenditures in it during the fiscal year. That way I know just how to budget myself from month to month. Now, let's see. (READS) "Nineteen Forty-Nine. August, July, June." Here we are -- "May." Hmm. "May 1st, light bulb, fifteen cents. ... Collar button, five cents. ... May 2nd, twenty-five razor blades, nine cents. May 3rd, Mercurochrome and bandages, ninety cents. ... May 4th, stamp for letter to mother, three cents. A month's supply of frog food for pet MacDougal, twelve cents."

BROOKS:

That must've been the month Mac was on the diet. ...

BOYNTON:

It's funny, I can't seem to find any record of that gas bill.

BROOKS:

(A LITTLE DESPERATE) Please, Mr. Boynton, it must have slipped your mind. Just take this and let's not--

BOYNTON:

(INTERRUPTS) Well, let's look a little further, please. (READS) "May-- ... May 11th, ink, ten cents; stamp for letter to mother, three cents. May 14th, shoelaces, five cents; stamp, three cents. Er, May 16th, laundry, seventy-five cents. May 18th, stamp, six cents." (PLEASED WITH HIMSELF) That was Mother's Day; I wrote mom airmail! ...

BROOKS:

She must have been thrilled -- two days later.

BOYNTON:

(READS) "May 25th, pair of socks, thirty-five cents." (INCREDULOUS) "Sports shirt, three dollars"?!

BROOKS:

That must have been the day you had the beer. ...

BOYNTON:

I don't remember that item at all.

BROOKS:

See? You just forgot to put the two dollars down. Now please take the money and let's not discuss it--

BOYNTON:

Well, thanks, Miss Brooks. It's certainly nice of you to remind me about it. You know, this two dollars is going to make a big difference in our Valentine Day celebration.

BROOKS:

You mean dinner for two, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

For two? Why, with this money I can buy peanuts for every monkey in the zoo. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

BROOKS:

(ADDRESSING STUDENTS) And so, class, if you'll just turn to page eighteen-- (SOUND: SCHOOL BELL RINGS) --we can all go to lunch.

SOUND:

STUDENTS CHATTER EXCITEDLY AS THEY RISE AND HURRIEDLY EXIT

HARRIET:

Miss Brooks?! Oh, Miss Brooks, can I talk to you for a minute?

BROOKS:

What is it, Harriet?

HARRIET:

Walter told me he paid you back some money he owed you and I'd like to do the same thing. Here, Miss Brooks! Here's the dollar you laid out for two of my lunches last month.

BROOKS:

But, Harriet, I treated you to those.

HARRIET:

Why should you treat me to lunch, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Oh, I don't know, maybe the market went up. ...

HARRIET:

Please, Miss Brooks, I insist that you take this dollar.

BROOKS:

But, Harriet, this is probably your lunch money.

HARRIET:

Oh, no, it isn't. Stretch Snodgrass owed me this money for months. He just paid me back this morning.

BROOKS:

Good old Stretch. Since he's been working at Turkey Heaven, he's loaded like a Turk. ... Thanks, Harriet, this money's going to come in very handy. Now if I could just think of somebody else who owed me some money-- (INSPIRED) Wait a minute! Your father owes me a dollar since last December. I'm going right over and collect it.

HARRIET:

I'll walk you to his office, Miss Brooks. (SOUND: THEIR FOOTSTEPS, IN BG) But if I were you I'd be very careful how I approached Daddy. He wasn't in a very good mood this morning.

BROOKS:

What was wrong?

HARRIET:

Well, mother played a little Valentine joke on him. She cut a big heart-shaped hole in his morning paper -- and she said she'd like to see his face at the breakfast table at least one day a year.

BROOKS:

(CHUCKLES) ... That should be plenty. I mean-- Heh! That was very clever of your mother, Harriet. I'm glad I didn't send him a Valentine.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS OUT BEHIND--

HARRIET:

Well, here we are, Miss Brooks. Good luck.

BROOKS:

Thanks, Harriet. Now stand back, I'm going to open the cage. ...

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ... BROOKS' STEPS IN

BROOKS:

Uh, pardon me, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Oh. Oh, good afternoon, Miss Brooks, and thank you for the Valentine greeting.

BROOKS:

Valentine greeting? But I - I--

CONKLIN:

I know you chose to remain anonymous, but certain subtleties of phrasing gave you away. The biggest hint, of course, was in the signature: "From an admirer." ...

BROOKS:

Oh, I'm not the only one at Madison who feels that way about you, Mr. Conklin, but I am glad you liked the card.

CONKLIN:

Yes, it is a dandy. ... You probably know it by heart, but I'd like to read it aloud for you, if I may.

BROOKS:

Certainly, sir. I'd love to hear it -- again. ...

CONKLIN:

It goes:
"As our principal, you've ruled us with a firm and steady hand.
You've hustled and you've bustled and our work you've carefully planned.
Though you've guided us and chided us, I've really been in clover,
'Cause I know it won't take very long before you topple over." ...

BROOKS:

Mr. Conklin, I have a confession to make. That is not the card I sent you.

CONKLIN:

It isn't? That's strange. It's the only I got.

BROOKS:

Well, mine must have been held up in the mail. I'll send it to you. I mean, you'll get it tomorrow. ...

CONKLIN:

I'll be looking forward to it. Now I've got to finish checking the business accounts of the school library, Miss Brooks, so if you'll state your business--

BROOKS:

Yes, sir. You may not recall this, Mr. Conklin, but during the first week in December I was taking care of the office while you were out and a collect telegram came for you.

CONKLIN:

It did?

BROOKS:

Yes, and I paid for it.

CONKLIN:

You did?

BROOKS:

Remember? You told me to remind you about it around Christmastime.

CONKLIN:

And did you?

BROOKS:

Yes, sir.

CONKLIN:

Then you've done your duty. Good day, Miss Brooks. ...

BROOKS:

But, Mr. Conklin, the reason I'm bringing it up again is that you don't--

CONKLIN:

Stop dunning me. ... How much is the miserable item?

BROOKS:

Well, the wire was ninety-seven cents, so I gave him a dollar.

CONKLIN:

You tipped the messenger boy?

BROOKS:

It was only three cents.

CONKLIN:

You're very generous with my money. ...

BROOKS:

Well, the messenger had no change either and, as I say, it was just three cents.

CONKLIN:

But the amount is immaterial; it's the principle that's involved.

BROOKS:

Oh, you're not so involved, Mr. Conklin. It's just that-- ...

CONKLIN:

Please, Miss Brooks. I've always felt that tipping is definitely un-American.

BROOKS:

But the messenger boy didn't mind; he was a little old Frenchman. (CHUCKLES WEAKLY) ... However, sooner than violate your code, just give me ninety-seven cents and I'll write off the balance under the Marshall Plan. ...

CONKLIN:

I'm not small, Miss Brooks. Here's your dollar.

BROOKS:

Oh, thank you, sir. Now if you'll excuse me--

CONKLIN:

Just, er, one moment please. In going over these accounts from the library I find that you're six weeks past due on a book.

BROOKS:

A book? Oh, yes, that was the one I brought home for Mrs. Davis. She can't seem to remember just where she put it. She didn't even read any of it yet.

CONKLIN:

Obviously. The book was called "How to Improve your Memory." ... It's listed at one dollar and fifty cents, and I'll thank you for the money right now.

BROOKS:

Oh, but, Mr. Conklin, we're still looking for it and we may--

CONKLIN:

These accounts are all being closed out immediately, Miss Brooks. If you find the book, we'll be happy to make an adjustment.

BROOKS:

But I can't afford the dollar-fifty at this time. I haven't got it to give you.

CONKLIN:

Tut tut tut tut, Miss Brooks. I just handed you a dollar. And that, you must admit, was like found money. ...

BROOKS:

Yes, indeed. (ASIDE, LOW) Like money found at the bottom of snake pit. ... Look, Mr. Conklin, couldn't this wait until--?

CONKLIN:

Don't be petty, Miss Brooks. Here's fifty cents. Just hand me two dollars and your account is all squared away.

BROOKS:

Oh, all right. Here you are. Now may I go, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

Certainly. Good day, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

It's a lulu so far. Toodles!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, BROOKS' STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS ... SHUTS AS BROOKS STEPS INTO HALL

STRETCH:

Hi, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Oh, hello, Stretch. Thanks for the valentine.

STRETCH:

Oh, that's okay. Goin' to the cafeteria for lunch?

BROOKS:

I might as well. I have fifty cents that's just burning a hole in my pocket -- the one that doesn't have a hole in it already. ... But this talk of money is probably boring to anyone as affluent as you are.

STRETCH:

Oh, I ain't affluent, Miss Brooks. I just got a cold in the head. ...

BROOKS:

Well, it's nice to know there's something in there. ... By the way, how are things at Fort Knox?

STRETCH:

Where?

BROOKS:

Turkey Heaven. Heh! Do you like your new job? ...

STRETCH:

Oh, I like it real good. Of course, I'm just a busboy now, but if I work real hard, I don't always have to be a busboy. I can go places.

BROOKS:

Especially if you get your own bus. ...

STRETCH:

You don't understand, Miss Brooks. From a busboy, I could get to be a waiter. And then I could go from waiter to maître. [PRONOUNCED "MATE HER"]

BROOKS:

Maître? [PRONOUNCED "MATE HER"]

STRETCH:

'd. [PRONOUNCED "DEE"]

BROOKS:

'd? [PRONOUNCED "DEE"]

STRETCH:

Hôtel.

BROOKS:

We seem to have lost contact somewhere. ... Let's start again, shall we?

STRETCH:

Maître is short for maître d'hôtel. [PRONOUNCED "MATE HER DEE HOTEL"]

BROOKS:

Oh.

STRETCH:

You know, the headwaiter who runs the whole restaurant usually? Boy, to be one of them you sure gotta be elegant.

BROOKS:

Yes, I know.

STRETCH:

You only talk to the cream of society: the most cultured, well-bred, best-mannered people in the whole world, boy. And you know what happens when you're a maître d'?

BROOKS:

What?

STRETCH:

If they don't slip ya a five-spot, you don't give none of them crumbs a table! ...

BROOKS:

Well, like I've always said, it takes a heap of culture to make a maître d'. ...

STRETCH:

That's a long way off, I guess. Meanwhile, I'll just keep pickin' up glasses and learnin' the business. At least it's good exercise for me. I do a lot of bendin' over.

BROOKS:

Bending over?

STRETCH:

Sure. I drop a lot of glasses, too. ... But it's sure a nice restaurant, Miss Brooks. They got roast turkey, fried turkey, and creamed turkey. My favorite is our special, Turkey au Gratin -- it's turkey hash varnished with cheese. ... And it's served in a shaving dish. ... Have you ever tried that?

BROOKS:

No, I prefer boiled turkey, shellacked in the cass-ass-erole. ...

STRETCH:

Oh. Is that good?

BROOKS:

Oh, take a glass of domestic turpentine with it and you're out of this world. ...

STRETCH:

Oh! Before I forget, Miss Brooks, here's a credit slip for two free dinners at Turkey Heaven. The boss gave it to me for workin' extra hard over the weekend.

BROOKS:

(PASSIONATELY) Two free dinners? But, Stretch, I can't take this. You've earned it by your labors. You're the one who should profit by your own efforts -- you and nobody else. (BEAT, FLATLY) Well, that's enough acting for one day. Hand it over. ...

STRETCH:

Here you are, Miss Brooks. It's no good to me anyway. After nibblin' on turkey all day, who can eat?

BROOKS:

Wait a minute, Stretch. I've got an idea. I want you to find Mr. Boynton and give him this credit slip.

STRETCH:

Mr. Boynton?

BROOKS:

That's right. But whatever you do, don't mention to him that I know anything about it. Now, is that clear?

STRETCH:

Yes, ma'am. I'm to find Mr. Boynton, then give him the slip and mention that you don't know nothin' about it. ...

BROOKS:

No, Stretch, you're not to mention that I know anything about it.

STRETCH:

Sorry. That grammatical carelessness will be the death of me.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND ... BROOKS AND BOYNTON'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK, THEN IN BG

BROOKS:

(FEIGNS IGNORANCE) It's been a very nice walk, Mr. Boynton, but we're nowhere near the zoo.

BOYNTON:

Well, I, er-- I changed my mind about that, Miss Brooks. Before we left school I decided that, this being Valentine's Day, I'd like to take you to a restaurant for dinner.

BROOKS:

Oh, wonderful! May I pick any place I want?

BOYNTON:

(UNEASY) Well-- That is, er, er--

BROOKS:

I'd like to go to Turkey Heaven.

BOYNTON:

Go ahead, pick any place you want. ...

BROOKS:

Say, now this is a coincidence. Isn't that Turkey Heaven right ahead of us?

BOYNTON:

Well, that's right, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

It's, uh, rather expensive, isn't it?

BOYNTON:

Oh, money isn't everything. Come on, let's go in. ...

SOUND:

RESTAURANT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS ... TRAFFIC OUT ... THEIR STEPS IN

BOYNTON:

Say, it's a good thing it's early. We won't have any trouble getting a table.

BROOKS:

Oh, fine. Look at that turkey being carried out of the kitchen! Isn't it a beautiful bird?

BOYNTON:

Oh, yes, it is, but-- Well, isn't that Stretch Snodgrass with that tray of glasses?

SOUND:

SMASH! OF DROPPED TRAY OF GLASSES ...

BROOKS:

(PITHY) Yes. ...

STRETCH:

Hi, Miss Brooks, Mr. Boynton! I'll pick up the glasses later. The maître d' isn't here yet anyhow. How'd ya like to sit at this table in the corner here?

BOYNTON:

Oh, fine, Stretch.

STRETCH:

I know how it is when a couple wants to eat alone. They like a nice secluded place where nobody can see 'em. Then if they feel like pickin' up a turkey leg in their hands, who cares? ...

BROOKS:

You're so right, Stretch. Now if you'll just bring--

STRETCH:

You got here pretty fast, Miss Brooks. Hope you enjoy everything. Incidentally, I didn't spill the beans to you-know-who about your knowin' about the two free dinners to You-know-what Heaven. ...

BOYNTON:

(COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT UNEASILY)

BROOKS:

Stretch, go get Mr. Boynton a glass of water, and bring a couple of menus while you're at it.

STRETCH:

(MOVING OFF) Yes, ma'am, I'll get 'em right away.

BOYNTON:

Er, Miss Brooks, I've decided there's no point in my trying to deceive you, so I'm gonna come clean. Stretch gave me a credit slip for two free dinners here.

BROOKS:

Really?! Well, wasn't that sweet?

STRETCH:

(APPROACHES) Here ya are, folks -- water and menus. I'd like to advise you to read the menus pretty careful, though. The prices in here are mighty steep.

BROOKS:

Well, we don't have to worry about that, Stretch. Mr. You-know-who has a credit slip for two free you-know-whats. (CHUCKLES) ... Now, let's see. What shall we order?

STRETCH:

Gosh, Miss Brooks, there's somethin' I forgot to tell ya!

BROOKS:

What's that?

STRETCH:

This slip isn't good on holidays -- and today is Valentine's Day!

BROOKS:

Oh, no, Stretch! That's terrible!

BOYNTON:

Oh, now, now, calm down, Miss Brooks. I'm not going to see you disappointed. Credit slip or no credit slip, this is one holiday we're going to celebrate and celebrate right.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

BOYNTON:

Well, Miss Brooks, what do you think of it? Isn't this a magnificent bird?

BROOKS:

It certainly is, Mr. Boynton. Now come over here -- there's a pelican in this cage! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden, as our Miss Brooks, returns in just a moment but first--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight -- yes, tonight -- show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Lustre-Creme, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives Kay Daumit's magic blend of secret ingredients, plus gentle lanolin. Not a soap, not a liquid. Lustre-Creme Shampoo, leaves hair three ways lovelier; fragrantly clean; free of loose dandruff; glistening with sheen; soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Lustre-Creme lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. So gentle, Lustre-Creme is wonderful even for children's hair. Tonight -- yes, tonight! -- try Lustre-Creme Shampoo.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.
You owe your crowning glory to--
A Lustre-Creme shampoo.

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, once again, here is our Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) Well, when the zoo closed, Mr. Boynton and I caught the five o'clock hamburger and headed for home. ... But as we passed a nice secluded bench, I stopped him. (TO BOYNTON) Look, Mr. Boynton, we may not be able to afford a fancy restaurant, but we can still celebrate Valentine's Day. After all, we are together, we have a bench in the park, and school is over.

BOYNTON:

But how can we celebrate on a park bench, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Correction: school is just beginning. ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME FOR CURTAIN ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Next week tune in to another OUR MISS BROOKS show, brought to you by Lustre-Creme Shampoo, for soft, glamorous, caressable hair, and Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay. OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns, directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler; Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillan, and Leonard Smith.

MUSIC:

TAG

2ND ANNCR:

Doctors prove Palmolive Soap can bring you a lovelier complexion in fourteen days. Yes, thirty-six leading skin specialists proved in tests on twelve hundred eighty-five different women that Palmolive Soap facials -- using nothing but Palmolive -- brought new complexion beauty to two women out of three. Just wash your face three times daily with Palmolive Soap -- each time for sixty seconds -- massaging Palmolive's beauty lather onto your skin. Then rinse. So start your Palmolive facials today. Remember, doctors prove Palmolive Soap can bring you a lovelier complexion in fourteen days.

MUSIC:

THEME ... IN BG, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to MR. AND MRS. NORTH, the exciting, fun-packed adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evening over most of these same stations, and be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS. Bob LeMond speaking.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.