LIGHTS OUT:
CAT WIFE
April 6, 1938
by Arch Oboler
ARCH OBOLER:
The National Broadcasting Company takes pleasure in presenting Mr. Boris Karloff in the third of a special series of anniversary "Lights Out" broadcasts. Tonight, at the urgent request of hundreds of listeners, we bring you a repeat broadcast of a strange play which you have chosen as the highlight off all the "Lights Out" series, "Cat Wife."
KARLOFF:
Lights Out... everybody.
SFX:
CLOCK CHIMES TWELVE TIMES. ON THE NINTH CHIME, WIND EFFECT COMES IN AND RISES. WIND DOMINATES FOR A MOMENT AFTER THE TWELFTH CHIME, THEN A GONG SOUNDS.
LINDA AND QUEENIE:(FADE UP, SINGING; DRUNK)...you can stop me from coming too, you can treat me mean, yes yes, all right, and I'll get even with you! (THEY BUST UP LAUGHING)
KEN:
Girls, girls! Cut it out, cut it out!
LINDA AND QUEENIE:(SINGING) We're gonna part tonight...
QUEENIE:
I love this song!
LINDA:
Me too!
QUEENIE:
(OVERLAPPING) I think it's marvy...
LINDA:
(OVERLAPPING) It's the best...
(THEY CONTINUE BABBLING AND LAUGHING UNDER THE FOLLOWING:)
KEN:
For the love of god, cut it out, will you? Your husband will be comin' down here in a minute... Come on, Queenie, we better blow outta here.
QUEENIE:
Yeah, I guess we better go, Linda...
LINDA:
(OVERLAPPING QUEENIE) No no, don't go, don't go. I don't wanna be alone!
QUEENIE:
(OVERLAPPING "ALONE") All right, we'll stay for...
KEN:
(FOLLOWING "ALONE") Whaddya mean, alone? Your husband's in the next room, ain't he?
LINDA:
Ohhh, that guy. What does he know about havin' fun? Work, work, work. Makes me sick where I've never been sick before. (LAUGHS)
QUEENIE:
(LAUGHS) Ah, come on! Let's stick around and have some more fun! (SINGS) You can drop me like an old shoe, you can pop me like...
LINDA:
(SINGS ALONG BRIEFLY) You can drop... (SPOKEN) Oh, Queenie, that's the most marvelous song ever heard!
JOHN:
For heaven's sake, Linda!
LINDA:
(A BEAT) Well, speak of the devil! Hiya there, Johnny boy, come on in, the water's fine!
QUEENIE:
(LAUGHS)
LINDA:
Only it ain't water...
QUEENIE:
No, it ain't! (THEY BABBLE)
JOHN:
Linda, for heaven's sake, I'm trying to work!
LINDA:
Go 'way, go 'way, you're spoilin' my party. Throw him outta here, Kenny! (LAUGHS) He's only my husband!
KEN:
(SIMULTANOUS) Hey, wait a minute...
QUEENIE:
(SIMULTANOUS) Yeah, he's only her husband!
JOHN:
(SIMULTANOUS) Get out of here, you, and take that other fool with you! Go on!
KEN:
(OVERLAPPING "Go on!") Come on, let's go.
QUEENIE:
I'm comin', I'm comin'!
LINDA:
No, wait! Don't listen to him! It's my house. It's my house!
SFX:
DOOR SLAM. KEN AND QUEENIE VOICES CUT OFF.
LINDA:
(BEAT) You! You kicked them out! My friends! You kicked them out!
JOHN:
Linda, haven't you any consideration at all? I've begged you, pleaded with you, to try and keep these people out of the house while I'm trying to get some work done! And you persist in doing just the opposite.
LINDA:
You. Kicked. Them. Out. My friends!
JOHN:
Yes, I kicked them out and I'll do it again every time I find them here. They're no good! You've given your word time and time again to give them up.
LINDA:
I'll call 'em back. I'll call 'em all back! You can't tell me what to do. Not me! They're my friends, MINE! I'd give a dozen of you for one of them!
JOHN:
All right, Linda, if that's the way you feel, I guess you and I have finally come to the end of the road. You haven't a grain of loyalty in you. All I ask for is a bit of peace and quiet in my own home and I can't even have that.
LINDA:
Ahhh, go 'way, go 'way!
JOHN:
Night after night, you and those people... yowling and screaming like a pack of alley cats. And you the worst of all. I'm through, Linda! I'm through with you for good.
LINDA:
(A BEAT, THEN: THE EMBODIMENT OF SEX) Oh, no you're not. Oh. No. You're. Not.
JOHN:
Keep away from me... keep away. (MELTS) Ohhh... Linda.
LINDA:
(A CONTENTED PURR, THEN:) See? You're not through with me at all. You'll never be through with me. (WHISPERS) Never.
JOHN:
Linda... Linda!
LINDA:
(HARSH) Nah, let me go. LET ME GO! I don't want you, you fool! You're not through with me; I'm through with you!
JOHN:
No, no, Linda...
LINDA:
I'm tired of you, d'ya hear? I'm tired of you. I'm gettin' so far away from that smug face of yours I couldn't see it with a telescope.
JOHN:
Linda! My wife!
LINDA:
Your "wife!" Why do you think I married you?
JOHN:
(A BEAT) I thought you loved me.
LINDA:
I married you because I was sick of workin' in a two-bit barber- shop; I was sick of livin' in a hall bedroom, wearin' bargain sale dresses. I wanted dough, plenty of it, all I could get! And you were the best chance to get it that came my way.
JOHN:
No, no, Linda! You did love me – you must have loved me!
LINDA:
I loved you about as much as that canary up there loves his cage. I told myself I'd marry you, stick with you for a year, divorce you, stick you for as much alimony as I could get, then clear out.
JOHN:
But we've been married five years.
LINDA:
Yesss! Five years. Because you fooled me, that's why.
JOHN:
I fooled you?
LINDA:
Yeah. Huh. You started to make a lot of money. More money than I ever thought you could make. HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... so you're givin' me the air, huh?
JOHN:
No, no, Linda, I didn't mean it. I love you! I'll always love you. I didn't mean what I said...
LINDA:
Well, I did.
JOHN:
No, Linda, don't leave me! You're no good. I know you're no good. But heaven help me, I love you! I'll never love anybody else.
LINDA:
Get outta my way...
JOHN:
No, no, I won't let you go! You've got to stay!
LINDA:
Keep your hands off me...!
JOHN:
You're no good. You've cost me my self-respect. But you'll stay with me, you'll stay with me... ! Or I'll cut you off without a cent.
LINDA:
(STARTS LAUGHING DERISIVELY.)
JOHN:
You won't get a dime from me, not a dime. (SHE'S LAUGHING LOUDER) Stop that! Stop laughing!
LINDA:
(CALMING DOWN BRIEFLY) Ohhh, you sap! (RESUMES) You fat headed sap! (BUSTING A GUT)
JOHN:
STOP THAT!
LINDA:
(STOPS LAUGHING; DEADLY CALM) So you're gonna cut me off without a cent, are you? Ho ho, you fool... I've got everything that belongs to you now! You hear me? Everything!
JOHN:
What are you talking about? What are you saying?
LINDA:
This house – it's in my name, isn't it? The car – it's in my name, isn't it?
JOHN:
Well, yes, but... oh no! You... you wouldn't!
LINDA:
Oh, wouldn't I? Well, listen to this, my darling husband. I cleaned out the bank account yesterday...
JOHN:
No.
LINDA:
... every cent. I won't be in the street; you will. Now this is my house. You get your things and get out of here!
JOHN:
(A SHORT GROWL, THEN:) I'll kill you.
I'll KILL you!
LINDA:
No! Don't you come near me!
Don't you come near me!
LINDA:
(CONT'D) Let me go! OW!
JOHN:
(SHE CLAWS HIM) AARRGH! (MOANS)
LINDA:
(PANTING HEAVILY) You touch me again, I'll tear your eyes out!
JOHN:
You... you cat!
LINDA:
Get outta my way.
JOHN:
That's what you are, a cat. A big, white, heartless cat. You think like one, you screech like one, you claw like one...
LINDA:
(STARTS LAUGHING CRUELLY)
JOHN:
... you even look like one! A cat, that's what you are, a great white cat! I didn't marry a woman, I married a cat!
LINDA:
Keep it up, keep it up, you're doin' swell. (LAUGHS)
JOHN:
Go on, laugh at me. But you're a cat. A stinking, yowling cat!
LINDA:
(STOPS; A BEAT) Now, listen up, Red. You stop sayin' that.
JOHN:
A cat! A cat! You hear me? A cat!
LINDA:
(HIGHLY DISTRESSED) Stop starin' at me like that. Stop starin' at me! (A HORRIFIED BEAT) John... what's happening to me?! (A BEAT) John... my head! I can hardly see! John, help me! John!
JOHN:
Linda!
MUSIC:
STING BEGINS BUILDING
LINDA:
(WITH EACH SENTENCE, HER VOICE IS PITCHED HIGHER) What are you staring at? What are you staring at? What are y...
MUSIC:
CUTS OUT.
LINDA:
... MEEEEEOOOWWWWW!
JOHN:
Linda! LINDA!!!! (SCREAMS)
SFX:
GONG.
JOHN:
(FADE UP ON JOHN WEEPING.)
DOCTOR:
Now,now, John, you've got to control yourself. Everything'll be all right.
JOHN:
Oh, Doctor! What have I done, what have I done? (RESUMES WEEPING)
DOCTOR:
John, please. Pull yourself together. You're not entirely to blame for what's happened.
JOHN:
What'll I do? I did it. I'm to blame.
DOCTOR:
Stop talking like that! It's preposterous to say you're to blame. She was hysterical, John. And the suggestion that she was a cat caught her in an unguarded moment and resulted in a temporary neurosis.
JOHN:
Oh, Doctor, she's got to get well, she's got to!
DOCTOR:
Oh, of course. She'll be all right. A little rest, quiet and in a few days it'll all be forgotten.
JOHN:
Is she... is she sleeping?
DOCTOR:
Yes. I gave her a sedative; she's resting very comfortably.
JOHN:
Can I go in and... see her?
DOCTOR:
But I tell you she's sleeping, John.
JOHN:
I know! But – oh, I've got to see her; I've got to look at her! I've got to make sure she's all right, don't you see? I've got to make sure.
DOCTOR:
Now John, please. You've had a hard time of it. You'd better get to bed and get some rest.
JOHN:
Oh, no, Doctor, listen to me, I... I've got to see her again. I've got to make sure that she's all right! I can't rest until I know... !
DOCTOR:
But I tell you... very well, just for a moment.
JOHN:
Yes.
SFX:
DOOR OPENING.
DOCTOR:
Be very quiet.
JOHN:
Yes.
DOCTOR:
There, you see, she's resting very nicely.
JOHN:
(PAUSE, THEN A SHARP GASP!) Doctor – look!
DOCTOR:
What?
JOHN:
Her hands. Look at her hands!
DOCTOR:
They're... they're claws!
JOHN:
Her teeth! Her teeth! Linda!
DOCTOR:
No no no, John! You'll wake her.
JOHN:
LINDA!
LINDA:
MEEOWWWW. (TRANSLATION: WHAT DO YOU WANT?)
SFX:
GONG.
LINDA:
(FADE UP ON LINDA MEOWING OFF MIKE)
JOHN:
Listen to her; listen to her...!
DOCTOR:
Steady, John.
JOHN:
(SCREAMING) I CAN'T STAND IT I TELL YOU, I CAN'T STAND IT!!! SHE'S LINDA; SHE'S MY WIFE; MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE! LINDA!! LIN— !
SFX:
DOCTOR SLAPPING JOHN.
DOCTOR:
Sorry, John.
JOHN:
(PAUSE; SHARP BREATH) It's all right. I guess I'm going a little crazy myself.
LINDA:
(MEOWING OFF-MIKE AGAIN)
JOHN:
What's happening to her? What is it?
DOCTOR:
I don't know, John; I don't know.
LINDA:
(MEOWING LOUDER)
JOHN:
Oooohhhh! Listen to her! (LISTENS A MOMENT) You've got to do something, Doctor, you've got to! You're my friend. You've got to help me.
LINDA:
(MEOWING STOPS)
DOCTOR:
What?! In the name of all that's rational, what?
JOHN:
Think. There must be something you can do. A drug – anything!
DOCTOR:
John, I – I don't know what to say. I can't think. (BEAT) I'll call in someone else. That's it! I'll inform the authorities. They'll take care of everything.
JOHN:
Oh, no. Wait.
DOCTOR:
What? What's the matter? What is it?
JOHN:
You're going to inform the authorities?
DOCTOR:
Yes, yes of course, John. Don't you see – it's the simplest way out?
JOHN:
Way out?
DOCTOR:
Of course, of course. For you and for me.
JOHN:
What do you mean?
DOCTOR:
John, this horrible thing that's happened to Linda – it goes beyond just you and me. It goes beyond the normal into the supernatural. Everyone should know about it. The world should know about it. Science...
JOHN:
You mean you're going to let everybody know what's happened to Linda?!
DOCTOR:
Of course I am.
JOHN:
But you can't do that! She's my wife, do you hear me, my wife!
DOCTOR:
No no no, now don't get excited again, John. Listen, sensibly. We owe it to science.
JOHN:
Science!? Who cares about SCIENCE?! She's Linda, my wife and I cursed her to God and turned her into a yowling big cat (WEEPING) and it's MY shame, MINE! And you're not going to tell a living soul about it. No one, you hear me, no one!
DOCTOR:
It's my duty, John. I must inform the authorities.
JOHN:
Noooo! Keep away from that phone. Keep away, I say!
DOCTOR:
I'm sorry, John.
SFX:
GUNSHOT.
DOCTOR:
(DEATH GASP) Ohhh... John... my friend... !
SFX:
BODY HITTING THE FLOOR.
SFX:
GONG.
LINDA:
Meowww. (TRANS: I'M HUNGRY. ALL LINDA'S LINES FROM NOW ON ARE TRANSLATED FROM CAT LANGUAGE)
JOHN:
No, no. Try to sleep, my darling.
LINDA:
(NOOOOOO.)
JOHN:
Try to sleep. Yes, yes. I know, I know, darling. But it's almost morning. You must rest.
LINDA:
(NOOOOOOOOOO.)
JOHN:
(CRYING) Sleep, Linda. Sleep, my belovéd!
LINDA:
(FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!)
JOHN:
All right. All right, darling. I've got to be strong. I've got to help you.
LINDA:
(RUBBING AGAINST HIS ELBOW)
JOHN:
And I did help you. He was going to tell them about you. Everyone. They'd have taken you away from me. Locked you up. Pointed at you. Laughed at you. But I stopped him, Linda. I stopped him... for you.
LINDA:
(THAT'S NIIIICCCEEE)
JOHN:
He called me... friend. But you're my wife, belovéd, and I love you.
LINDA:
(SHE'S CURLED UP AGAINST HIM)
JOHN:
I've pleased you, haven't I, my darling? (SIGHS) I never could please you before, could I? But now I've pleased you. I killed him, Linda. I killed my friend to save you, and if anybody comes, I'll say he never came here, and no one will know, darling. No one but you and I.
LINDA:
(WHAT'S GOING ON OUTSIDE?)
JOHN:
What is it, darling? What's the matter? Why are you getting up?
LINDA:
(OUUUUUUUUT!)
JOHN:
What is it? Why go to the window? What do you want?
LINDA:
(OUUUUUUUUT!)
JOHN:
Ohhh, if I could only understand you. If I could only know what you're trying to say to me.
LINDA:
(HEY, SAILOR! UP HERE! COME ON, BIG BOY!)
JOHN:
Ohhh! Oh, nooo!
TOMCAT:
(HEY BABY, WHAT'S SHAKIN'?)
(LINDA AND THE TOMCAT CONTINUE TO CONVERSE OFF-MIKE.)
JOHN:
Oh! Linda! Linda, stop! I beg you to stop! Linda, belovéd, STOP! (BREAKING DOWN) Stop, stop stop stoooooop... Linda...
SFX:
GONG.
SFX:
DOOR BUZZER
JOHN:
(GRUMPY) Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming...
SFX:
DOOR OPENS
MILKMAN:
(ALL AMERICAN BOY) Morning, Mr. Taylor!
JOHN:
Oh. It's you.
MILKMAN:
I found this note saying you wanted to talk to me. Gee, I hope you're not going to quit taking milk from me, Mr. Taylor. I know I've been kind of late with deliveries the last couple o' days, but you see, it's my...
JOHN:
No, no, I'm not going to stop taking milk. That's what I want to see you about. I want milk; more milk; cream; everything...
MILKMAN:
Oh, sure, sure! How much do you want?
JOHN:
Ohhhh... four bottles of milk. No. Six.
MILKMAN:
Six?
JOHN:
Yes, and cream. Six bottles of cream.
MILKMAN:
Is... is something wrong, Mr. Taylor?
JOHN:
Wrong? Why do you think something's wrong?
MILKMAN:
Well, I only meant...
JOHN:
You meant what? Speak up! You meant what?!
MILKMAN:
Well, don't get sore, Mr. Taylor. I just meant, well... you don't look so good, and you know how it is... sometimes a fella has a couple too many and he starts ordering all the milk in the world! (LAUGHS)
JOHN:
You fool. I'm not drunk. Do you want to sell me that milk or do I have to get another milkman?
MILKMAN:
No, no, I'll get it for you. I'll get it for you.
JOHN:
Hurry!
MILKMAN:
Six quarts. Six creams. (WALKING AWAY) Only him and his old lady... the guy's nuts!
LINDA:
(FADES IN) (NOOOOOO.)
JOHN:
Drink the milk, my belovéd. Please.
LINDA:
(NOOOOOO!)
JOHN:
But you haven't eaten anything. You're hungry. You must be hungry.
LINDA:
(NOOOOOO.)
JOHN:
Oh, my darling! What do you want? I'll get you anything, anything. Just eat.
LINDA:
(DOOOOOOR.)
JOHN:
No. No. I can't let you out of the room, I just can't. Someone might come to the door; they'd see through the window.
LINDA:
(OUUUUUUUTTTT.)
JOHN:
Oh, be patient, Linda, darling; I'll think of something... oh, drink the milk, for your own good, Linda, please!
SFX:
LINDA SCRATCHING ON THE DOOR.
JOHN:
No no no, dearest, don't do that.
LINDA:
(OUT.)
JOHN:
Oh, all right. All right. Here. I'll let you into the dining room. But you've got to stay away from the window. If someone should see you...
SFX:
DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS.
JOHN:
Here, let me carry you.
LINDA:
(HANDS OFF, HANDS OFF, HANDS OFF!!! HISSES)
JOHN:
All right, all right, darling, I won't! Go yourself; go yourself.
LINDA:
(HMMM... WHAT'S THIS?)
SFX:
CANARY CHIRPING; CONTINUES UNDERNEATH.
JOHN:
You see, darling? Your pretty living room. Everything in it just the way you fixed it. Everything. (SELF-PITYING AGAIN) Oh, Linda, Linda, this horrible thing that's happened to us! I tell myself it isn't real! I'll wake up soon and everything will be the way it used to be. You and I... (NOTICES SOMETHING) Linda... where are you?
SFX:
A CAGE IS KNOCKED OVER.
JOHN:
Oh, Linda, don't! Don't! No no no Linda! Linda! Don't! Don't touch that bird!
SFX:
LINDA EATING THE CANARY.
JOHN:
Ohhh, Linda. How could you do it?
LINDA:
(TASTY!)
JOHN:
How could you do it?
SFX:
LINDA LICKING HER PAWS.
SFX:
GONG.
SFX:
SHOP DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS.
BUTCHER:
(HEAVY GERMAN ACCENT) Ach! Good morning, Mr. Taylor! Early again this morning, ain't you?
JOHN:
(SORTA DAZED BY NOW) Morning.
BUTCHER:
Ever since you sent your wife to the country, my first customer every morning for the last three days, you've been. Like I was saying to my wife this morning, I said...
JOHN:
Yes, yes. Tire me some other time, I'm in a hurry. My order, please.
BUTCHER:
Yah, yah. But you ain't give me no order yet. How about a nice steak that you can broil?
JOHN:
(OVERLAPPING) No, no, nothing like that?
BUTCHER:
But to broil a steak, I tell you, that's nothing. When my wife goes to the country, that's what I always make for myself. You lie the steak in the pan, then you light the...
JOHN:
I'm in a hurry, I tell you!
BUTCHER:
Yah, yah, all right, all right! You don't have to get so high blood pressure, Mr. Taylor. If you will tell me what you want, by golly, I'll give it to you.
JOHN:
(VERY TIRED) Well... I... uh... I don't know exactly. Well, a couple of pounds of liver. Yes, that's it! Fresh liver.
BUTCHER:
What, again?
JOHN:
You heard me!
BUTCHER:
Yah, yah, sure I heard you. But by golly, for three days, ever since your wife she went away, you eat nothing but liver.
JOHN:
Are you going to fill my order?
BUTCHER:
Yah, yah, sure, I will fill your order. So, you ever see such nice, fresh liver? Two pounds? Jawol. There we are. By golly, it could be that you was raising cats or something.
JOHN:
(DANGEROUS) Why do you say that?
BUTCHER:
Well... every day you buy liver. (LAUGHS) This morning I catched a couple of mouses in the back. Perhaps you'd like to take them along too, for the cat?
JOHN:
(SCREAMING IT:) DON'T SAY THAT!!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!!!!!!
BUTCHER:
Mr. Taylor, the liver! You forgot... !
SFX:
DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT.
BUTCHER:
Hmm. By golly, that man is frollicked. Now what did I say that was wrong? Cats like to eat mouses!
SFX:
GONG.
LINDA:
(PURRING; CONTENTED KITTY SOUNDS UNDERNEATH.)
JOHN:
Oh, my Linda; my dearest Linda. Close to me; close to me. Ohhhh, my darling, my darling. It's better this way. You can't leave me now. I'll have you with me always. I'll keep you here. Just you and I.
SFX:
DOORBELL.
LINDA:
(WAKING UP – WHAAAAT?)
JOHN:
I won't answer it. They'll go away.
SFX:
DOORBELL.
LINDA:
(WHO ISSSS IT?)
JOHN:
All right, all right. I'll answer it.
LINDA:
(I'll go.)
JOHN:
No no. Stay here, my belovéd. They mustn't see you. Be very quiet.
SFX:
FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR.
JOHN:
Be very quiet.
SFX:
DOOR OPENS. DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENLY. JOHN'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH DOOR.
JOHN:
Yes, yes, I'm coming, I'm coming.
SFX:
DOOR OPENS.
JOHN:
Well, what is it, what is it?
GILLIGAN:
(HEAVY IRISH ACCENT) Are you the owner of this building?
JOHN:
Yes. What do you want?
GILLIGAN:
Gilligan is the name. I'm your neighbor. I've got that place across the alley from you.
JOHN:
Neighbor?
GILLIGAN:
Yeah. Gilligan is my name. I'm with the department.
JOHN:
Department?
GILLIGAN:
Yes. I'm desk sergeant at the Third District station.
JOHN:
A policeman?
GILLIGAN:
Yes. I'm off-duty today, so I thought I'd drop over and speak to you. Say, do you mind if I step in for a moment?
JOHN:
(DAZED AGAIN) Step in... OH! No, not at all, not at all.
GILLIGAN:
Thank you, thank you. (SLIGHT PAUSE) Well, you got a nice place here.
JOHN:
Yes; yes, nice. Very nice.
GILLIGAN:
You know, the same contractors made this place as made mine. You didn't know that, I'll bet.
JOHN:
No. I didn't.
GILLIGAN:
Yeah. Irishman by the name of Gilhooly. Put up all these bungalows along here on nothing but blarney and a shoestring. Jumped out of a ten story window, they tell me, the day after the stock market crashed. (LAUGHS) Lucky for him! If he was alive now, some of the people around here that bought places from him would murder him, what with the trouble they're having.
JOHN:
(A BEAT) Trouble?
GILLIGAN:
Say now, speaking of trouble, That reminds me of why I come over. If you don't mind, I'll tell you.
JOHN:
Yes?
GILLIGAN:
Now... now it ain't me that's complainin', Mr. Taylor. I'm the kind of man that can sleep in a boiler factory. But it's me Katie. Ahhhh, there's a light sleeper for you. I always say that if a star in Heaven twinkles too much, the noise wakes up me Katie.
JOHN:
What... what is the trouble?
GILLIGAN:
Wellll, you know how the women are! Always finding something to make a fuss about. (LOWERS HIS VOICE) Say, I'm not disturbin' her, am I? There, you know. Your missus. She's not sleepin' there in the bedroom, is she?
JOHN:
No, no. Of course not. There's no one in there!
GILLIGAN:
I thought maybe, seein' the door is closed...
JOHN:
No no, there's no one in there, I tell you. My wife... she's... out of town.
GILLIGAN:
Oh, well, that's fine, that's fine. I always like to talk things over man-to-man, without the women around. Women are all right, I says, but they don't know how to straighten out little troubles with neighbors without calling names and pulling hair. (LAUGHS)
JOHN:
Oh, what is it, what's wrong? What do you want to tell me?
GILLIGAN:
Well, to put it plain: it's the cat.
JOHN:
(BEAT) Cat?
GILLIGAN:
Yeah, the cat. You just got it, didn't you?
JOHN:
You... you heard a cat?
GILLIGAN:
Yeah. Started a few nights ago. Now, it ain't disturbed me none, like I says, but me Katie – well, you see, our bedroom window faces right on the alley. And by golly, she hears every "meow" that animal makes.
JOHN:
You... you're wrong.
GILLIGAN:
Eh?
JOHN:
I have no cat.
GILLIGAN:
But... but me Katie heard... I heard it too, for that matter.
JOHN:
I have no cat.
GILLIGAN:
But I'm tellin' you, it came right from this house.
JOHN:
I TELL YOU I HAVE NO CAT, isn't that sufficient?!
GILLIGAN:
Well now, seein's how you put it so plain, I'll be speakin' up plain meself. I'm telling you I heard a cat yowling last night. And the night before. And the night before that! And as sure as me name's Thomas Gilligan, it come right from this house. Now, what do you say to that?
JOHN:
Get out.
GILLIGAN:
Now wait a second, me bucko, wait a second. Don't get on your high horse.
JOHN:
Get out!
GILLIGAN:
Well now, see here... I'm not sayin' you're lyin'. I'm just thinking maybe the animal's caught in your cellar without your knowin' it. Now, if you'll just let me go down there and...
JOHN:
I tell you there's no cat here! Get out! GET OUT OF HERE!
GILLIGAN:
Oh, it's like that, is it?
JOHN:
You heard me. Get out of my house!
GILLIGAN:
Well, you sure are makin' a lot of noise about nothing, young fella. But it's your house; and if that's the kind of neighbor you want to be, I'll just...
LINDA:
(OFF-MIKE; OVERLAPS "WANT TO BE") (HELLOOOOO!)
GILLIGAN:
What... ?
JOHN:
(ABOUT TO POP A VEIN) WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR? GET OUT! GET OUT!
GILLIGAN:
Now just a minute. Take it easy. "No cat", eh? Then what was that I just heard?
JOHN:
(OVERLAPS "I JUST") NOTHING! Nothing at all!
LINDA:
(AFTER "NOTHING!) (NOISSSSE!)
JOHN:
YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT TO...
GILLIGAN:
You may not be a liar, but you sure are somethin' close to it. If that ain't a cat in that bedroom there, I ain't never heard one.
JOHN:
Get
out!!! Get out of here!
LINDA:(WHO'S THERE?
LET ME SEE!)
GILLIGAN:
Oh, no I won't.
LINDA:
(KEEPS MEOWING)
GILLIGAN:
Listen to that cat. If that ain't creating a public nuisance, I'd like to know what it is!
JOHN:
It's none of your business! This is MY house! Get out of here!!!
GILLIGAN:
Now stop pulling at me, me bucko! I may be off-duty, but I'm still an officer of the law, and I'm tellin' you that cat you've got in there is violatin' a city ordinance. Now if you don't make it shut up and stop disturbin' me Katie, I will!
JOHN:
No! Stay away from that door. Stay away from that door!
LINDA:
(OFF-MIKE) (I. WANT. OUT!)
GILLIGAN:
Say... listen to it. (BEAT) That ain't no cat you've got in there.
JOHN:
What? Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, yes, I lied. It is a cat; just a cat. I'll make it be quiet, but go away, go away!
GILLIGAN:
Now wait a minute. Take it easy. If it's just a cat, what are you getting so excited about?
JOHN:
(SCREAMING) OHHH I'M NOT, I'M NOT!!!
GILLIGAN:
Look at you. Your eyes are blazing. What's going on here? I think I'll have a look.
JOHN:
Noooo! Stay away!
SFX:
DOOR OPENS.
LINDA:
(BASTARD!) (SHE ATTACKS)
GILLIGAN:
What... ! NO... ! Get it away, take it away!
JOHN:
I told you! I told you to go away!
GILLIGAN:
If I only had me gun... !
JOHN:
You'll never use it.
GILLIGAN:
Keep away from me! Keep away! Help! HELP!
SFX:
THREE GUNSHOTS.
GILLIGAN:
Ohhhh...
SFX:
BODY FALLS.
LINDA:
(HISSES) (STARTS MEOWING QUIETLY IN THE MIDDLE OF JOHN'S NEXT LINE)
JOHN:
I asked you to go, didn't I? I asked you to – didn't I, Linda? You heard me. You heard me ask him. Linda, what's the matter? What are you going to do? Linda, keep away from him!
LINDA:
(SCREAM-YOWLS; POUNCES)
JOHN:
NO NO, LINDA! GET AWAY FROM HIM! NO, LINDA, STOP!
LINDA:
(DIE!)
JOHN:
(SCREAMS) ARRGH! Linda, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes!
SFX:
GONG.
JOHN:
(FADES UP; MOANING) My eyes, my eyes, my eyes. Ohhhhhhh. I can't see. (GASP, THEN:) The gun. If I can only find it. Blood. Blood in my eyes. I'm blind. Oh, God have pity on me. Help me to find it. It must be here. I dropped it... somewhere.
LINDA:
(OVERLAPS "I DROPPED IT") (IS THERE ANYTHING TO EAT IN THIS HOUSE? WHAT'S UP? I LOOOVVE YOOOOUUU.)
JOHN:
(OVERLAPS AFTER FIRST MEOW) Ahhhh. You're back now. Pressing against me. Oh, God... let me find that gun! I dropped it here somewhere. Let me find it! (A BEAT) Got it. Hush, dear. Yessss, yessss; press close to me. I can't see you. Press close to me. I mustn't miss... THERE!
LINDA:
(WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? LET GO OF ME!)
JOHN:
Scratch, claw, what does it matter? You curséd animal! You've taken everything from me! My eyes! My life! Now I'll take...
SFX:
THREE GUNSHOTS.
(LINDA MEOWS FRANTICALLY; JOHN LAUGHS WILDLY, TRIUMPHANTLY – DARE I SAY IT? – INSANELY.)
LINDA:
(STARTS OUT AS MEOWS, EACH TIME MORE CLEARLY IN ENGLISH:) Meon! Meohn! John! (DIES)
JOHN:
(HORRIFIED) LINDA!!! I've hurt my belovéd; I've hurt you! I'm coming with you! (A BEAT, THEN:)
SFX:
GUNSHOT. PAUSE, THEN:
JOHN:
(DYING) Wait for me, Linda... my belovéd. Wait!
SFX:
BODY FALLS. A BEAT.
SFX:
GONG.
ARCH OBOLER:
"Lights Out", with Boris Karloff and written especially for radio by Arch Oboler, comes to you each Wednesday from our Chicago studios. This is the National Broadcasting Company.