ANNOUNCER:

It's time for MY FAVORITE HUSBAND, starring Lucille Ball!

LUCILLE:

Jell-O, everybody!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's the new gay family series starring Lucille Ball with Richard Denning, brought to you by the Jell-O family of desserts.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Ohhhhh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O!

WOMAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Puddings.

MAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Tap-pioca Puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, as Liz and George Cooper, two people who live together -- and like it.

MUSIC:

BRIEF INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

As we look in on the Coopers, it's morning and there are seven shopping days left until Christmas. George is eating breakfast and Liz is in the kitchen with Katy the maid.

LIZ:

Katy?

KATY:

Yes, Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

Have you any idea what George is going to give me for Christmas? Has he said anything?

KATY:

Not a thing.

LIZ:

Oh, darn. I've got to find out.

KATY:

Why?

LIZ:

Well, I'm knitting him a sweater and if he's giving me something wonderful, maybe a measly sweater isn't enough to give him.

KATY:

Oh.

LIZ:

On the other hand, if he's giving me some dinky little thing, why should I knock myself out knitting him a beautiful sweater? ...

KATY:

(MILDLY SHOCKED) Why, Mrs. Cooper!

LIZ:

Oh, Katy, you don't think I'm serious. It's the thought behind the gift that counts. It doesn't make any difference to me what kind of a fur coat George gives me. ...

KATY:

(LAUGHS) Well, I wish I could help you.

LIZ:

Don't worry, I'll find out before he leaves that breakfast table. Here, give me the coffee; I'll take it in. (SINGS MERRILY) Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, dee dee dee-- (SPEAKS, TO GEORGE) Good morning, dear.

SOUND:

SLIGHT RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

GEORGE:

(ABSENTLY) Morning, Katy.

LIZ:

What?!

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES, APOLOGETIC) I was reading. Good morning, Liz darling.

LIZ:

(LOVINGLY) How's my little husband this morning, hmm?

GEORGE:

(PLEASED) Ah, fine, thanks.

LIZ:

(LAYS IT ON THICK) Is there anything I can do for my sweet little ever-lovin' baby boy?

GEORGE:

Yes.

LIZ:

Hmm? What?

GEORGE:

Stop trying to find out what I'm giving you for Christmas. ...

LIZ:

Oh, you! Come on, George. Iris knows what she's getting. Mr. Atterbury is giving her a mink stole for Christmas.

GEORGE:

How does she know?

LIZ:

She already picked it out and charged it to him. ...

GEORGE:

Well, that's a pretty good clue.

LIZ:

Are you buying me a mink stole?

GEORGE:

Hmm. If I bought you a mink, it would have to be stole. ... (CHUCKLES) I made a funny!

LIZ:

But it wasn't very.

GEORGE:

(DISAPPOINTED) Ah. ...

LIZ:

Oh, well, if you won't tell me what I'm getting, at least you could sort of give me a hint.

GEORGE:

Oh, all right. It's, er-- It's big.

LIZ:

Yes?

GEORGE:

And it's small.

LIZ:

Huh?

GEORGE:

It also has long shaggy hair and three wheels, takes out ink spots, and runs eight days without winding. ...

LIZ:

That's what your mother gave us last Christmas! ...

GEORGE:

It is not. (CHUCKLES) Say, we never did find out what that was for, did we?

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES) Aw, come on, George -- tell me what I'm getting.

GEORGE:

Well, I'll tell you this much, though. I've bought it and it's in the hall closet -- and I want you to stay out of there, understand?

LIZ:

(UNHAPPY) Understand.

GEORGE:

All right. Now kiss me goodbye, honey, I'm late for the bank.

LIZ:

Okay. (A LONG PASSIONATE KISS) Mmm - mmm. (FINISHES KISS WITH A CHUCKLE) There. Now hurry down to the bank.

GEORGE:

(AMOROUS) What bank?

LIZ:

Uh-oh. I gave him too many volts for this early in the morning. ...

GEORGE:

Goodbye, dear.

LIZ:

Bye.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS GEORGE EXITS

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

(ABSENTLY) Hm?

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper? Why are you standin' there starin' at the hall closet?

LIZ:

George told me my present was in the hall closet and then made me promise to leave it alone. Only a man could think of a mean thing like that.

KATY:

What are you gonna do about it?

LIZ:

Absolutely nothing.

KATY:

And then what?

LIZ:

(BEAT) ... Katy, you won't find me stooping to snooping.

KATY:

I'm sure I won't.

LIZ:

Of course, if there happened to be something in there I needed, I'd have to look in the closet, wouldn't I? (NO ANSWER) Huh?

KATY:

(RELUCTANT) Yes, ma'am.

LIZ:

What's in there that I might need?

KATY:

Well, there's your umbrella. But the sun is shining and--

LIZ:

(INTERRUPTS) Oh, how do you like that, Katy?! Suddenly it looks like rain!

KATY:

Hmm, it has seemed to cloud up a little, hasn't it?

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES)

SOUND:

CLOSET DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

Oh, there's my umbrella in back of this big Christmas box.

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF WRAPPING PAPER AS BOX IS PULLED FROM CLOSET

LIZ:

Mmm, look -- there's a little tear in the paper.

KATY:

Where?

SOUND:

HUGE RIP! AND RUSTLE! OF WRAPPING PAPER TORN

LIZ:

There. ... Oh, clumsy me! Well, now it's open; I guess there's no use turning back.

SOUND:

THE REST OF THE PAPER IS TORN OFF BEHIND--

LIZ:

Oh, I'm so excited, Katy. I'll bet it's a dress I was hinting about from Miller's department store.

SOUND:

UNWRAPPING STOPS ... BOX OPENS

LIZ:

(GASPS, UNHAPPY) It's empty! There's nothing in this box.

KATY:

Oh, yes, there is. At the bottom. It's a card.

LIZ:

Oh. Oh, yeah. Let's see what it says. (BEAT, IRONIC) Well, I like that.

KATY:

What's it say?

LIZ:

It says, "I thought I told you to stay out of here, nosy." ... Well, that settled it. He's going to get a sweater and like it!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

LIZ:

(TO HERSELF AS SHE KNITS) Purl one, knit two. Purl one, knit two. Whoops! I dropped a stitch. Oh, dear. Well, I can save it if I just put my needle through this loo-- Oops! There goes another. Oh, I guess I should have pulled this through-- Oops! Oh, well. I was gonna do that row over anyway. Darn it, this is slow work.

KATY:

(APPROACHES) Are you havin' trouble, Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

Oh, I'm having an awful time with this sweater I'm knitting for George.

KATY:

Is that a sweater?

LIZ:

Well, what does it look like?

KATY:

That's a very good question. ...

LIZ:

Oh, I know it's a mess, Katy, and I can't understand it. I followed the directions exactly.

KATY:

Let's see. What's this thing stickin' up here? Looks like a sock.

LIZ:

It is.

KATY:

It is?

LIZ:

Yes. The directions said, "Purl three inches and then knit a foot." ...

KATY:

Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it didn't mean that.

LIZ:

I thought it seemed odd. I thought maybe I was knitting socks to match the sweater and I could cut them loose later. ...

KATY:

I see. Well, the rest of it is-- Wait a minute. What's this hole for?

LIZ:

That's the neck.

KATY:

Oh. Then what's this hole next to it for?

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Oh, how do you like that? I left two openings for his head. ...

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper, you'd better rip it out and start over.

LIZ:

Noooo. It's a shame to waste all that work. I ought to give it to someone. Do you know anyone with two heads, Katy? ...

KATY:

Not offhand.

LIZ:

Oh, wait, I know. I'll knit a belt on the other end of it and he can use it for pants. ... No?

KATY:

No.

LIZ:

(SADLY) I'm not good for anything. I wish I could knit like George's mother can. She doesn't even look at it and it comes out just perfectly.

KATY:

Oh, that reminds me, Mrs. Cooper. Mr. Cooper's mother called before and said she was comin' over this mornin'.

LIZ:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, keen. I wonder what Nosy Rosie wants.

KATY:

She didn't say. Maybe she's just comin' over to visit.

LIZ:

Ha! Mother Cooper never comes over just to visit. She comes over to see what I'm doing that I shouldn't be doing; what I'm not doing that I should be doing; what I'm doing that if she were doing it, she'd do it a lot better. ...

KATY:

Oh, Mrs. Cooper isn't that bad.

LIZ:

Let's face it, Katy. She only lives to see how badly I keep house. An unmade bed is like a transfusion to her; gives her strength to run her finger along a table and see if there's any dust on it.

KATY:

Well, she won't find any dust in this house.

LIZ:

Oh, you dreamer. ... No, you can't win, Katy. Sometimes I think she's got dirt tattooed on the end of her finger. ...

KATY:

Why did she ever move to town?

LIZ:

I don't know, but brooding about it isn't going to get this sweater finished. I guess I'll have to rip most of it out.

KATY:

You'll never finish it by Christmas.

LIZ:

Well, George will understand. I'll give him what I have done and tell him I'll finish it later.

KATY:

Yes, ma'am.

MOTHER:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Yoo hooooo! Anybody home?!

LIZ:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Thar she blows. ...

KATY:

Mr. Cooper's mother?

LIZ:

Who else walks in without ringing the bell? She knows if she rang it, I'd pretend not to be home, the old-- (CALLS) In here, mother!

KATY:

(MOVING OFF) I'll sneak upstairs and make the beds in case she goes up there.

MOTHER:

(APPROACHES) Oh, there you are, Elizabeth! How are you, dear?

LIZ:

(DUTIFULLY POLITE) Fine, Mother Cooper. How are you?

MOTHER:

Well, here's a sight I never thought I'd see. Elizabeth Cooper dusting.

LIZ:

(BEAT) ... I'm not dusting.

MOTHER:

Oh? Then why are you holding that dirty old dust rag? ...

LIZ:

That's a sweater I'm knitting.

MOTHER:

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I didn't look very closely. Whose dog is it for? ...

LIZ:

Yours. ...

MOTHER:

Huh?

LIZ:

It happens to be for George.

MOTHER:

For George? (CRACKS UP WITH HEARTY LAUGHTER) Oh, no! Oh, I could die!

LIZ:

Yes, but you won't. ...

MOTHER:

(MORE SERIOUSLY) I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I've hurt your feelings.

LIZ:

How could you tell? Uh, come on in, mother. Pull up a dust ball and sit down. ...

MOTHER:

Um, Elizabeth, I came over to talk to you about something.

LIZ:

Yes?

MOTHER:

You remember you invited me to spend Christmas with you? Well, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

LIZ:

Oh?

MOTHER:

Aunt Bessie wrote and told me she's going to be all alone for Christmas, so I think I should go there and spend it with her, don't you?

LIZ:

Yes. What was the bad news? ...

MOTHER:

What?

LIZ:

Oh. Oh, I see what you mean. (POLITE) Well, gee, I don't know. It means quite a change in our plans.

MOTHER:

Oh, well, then I'll--

LIZ:

(INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) But! -- er, anything for dear old Aunt Bessie! ...

MOTHER:

Yes, the poor soul was wondering if you and George would mind giving me up just this one Christmas.

LIZ:

Only one, huh? ... Well, I'll force myself. Uh, go to poor old Aunt Bessie. ...

MOTHER:

Well then, it's all settled. I'll go right home and write Aunt Bessie. And Elizabeth?

LIZ:

Yes?

MOTHER:

If I may make a suggestion, dear? I wouldn't bother finishing that sweater if I were you.

LIZ:

(INSULTED) Oh, you wouldn't?

MOTHER:

Oh, now please, Elizabeth. It's no disgrace not to be able to knit. You have other talents.

LIZ:

I have?

MOTHER:

You must have. ... I mean, some wives can knit, and some wives can cook, and some are beautiful, and some are intelligent, and you're, uh-- Er-- You're, uh-- Er-- (CHEERFUL) Well, I have to run along, dear! ...

LIZ:

(DRY) Are you driving or shall I call the Yellow Broomstick Company? ...

MOTHER:

Oh my, Elizabeth, you're so sensitive. Now, if I've said anything, it's just for your own good. My goodness, if I can't make a suggestion, then what am I here for?

LIZ:

Oh, you're beginning to wonder, too. ...

MOTHER:

I'm only trying to help you, dear. I don't want you to be embarrassed. (POINTED) You see, I knitted George a beautiful cashmere sweater.

LIZ:

(DEVASTATED) Oh, you did?

MOTHER:

(WITH RELISH) Yes, and I don't want you to suffer through any comparisons. Heh! Well, goodbye, dear. (BEAT, THEN CLICKS HER TONGUE WITH DISAPPROVAL)

LIZ:

What are you running your finger around the table for? Forget where you parked your gum? ...

MOTHER:

Would you look at my finger? It's just black with dust.

LIZ:

Well, there's only one thing for you to do.

MOTHER:

Talk to Katy?

LIZ:

No, wash your hands. ...

MOTHER:

That doesn't make your house any cleaner, dear.

LIZ:

(STEAMING MAD) Ohhhh--!

MOTHER:

(MOVING OFF, CHEERFUL) Goodbye. Don't bother coming to the door.

SOUND:

MOTHER'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH CLOSES, OFF

LIZ:

(UPSET) Oh, Katy?

KATY:

(APPROACHES) Well, what's the matter, Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

She's knitted George a sweater for Christmas.

KATY:

No!

LIZ:

Yes! So I have to finish mine and it has to be better than hers! Give me that knitting! (RAPIDLY) Knit one, purl two. Knit one, purl two. Knit one, purl two. Oops!

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN (QUOTES "JINGLE BELLS" AND THE JELL-O THEME)

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Well, it's dollars to a dish of Jell-O that Liz will have a tough time getting out of that spot. But look, here's a holiday treat for your family they sure won't want to exchange. It's Christmasy jellied mincemeat made with rich red Cherry Jell-O. Just prepare Cherry Jell-O as usual and when slightly thickened, fold in one cup of moist mincemeat. Chill until firm in individual molds and garnish with rum-flavored, sweetened whipped cream. Good? Why, it's the zestiest holiday dessert that ever made Christmas merry: sparkling red Cherry Jell-O, luscious with tempting mincemeat. All six delicious Jell-O flavors fit right in the holiday mood: strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. They're rich with locked-in goodness and they're bright and gay as a Christmas tree. So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O and Jell-O is a registered trademark of the General Foods Corporation.

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Ohhhhhhhh!

MUSIC:

CHORD FOR A TAG ... THEN THEME FOR TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to the Coopers. Liz is still busily working on the sweater that she has vowed to finish for George by Christmastime.

LIZ:

(SLOW AND WEARY) Knit one, purl two. Knit one, purl two. Knit one, purl-- (SNORES, EXHALES AS SHE FALLS ASLEEP)

KATY:

Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

(STARTLED AWAKE WITH A SNORT) --one! Purl two. Knit one, purl--

KATY:

Are you still up, Mrs. Cooper? It's three o'clock in the mornin'.

LIZ:

(EXHAUSTED) What day? ... Oh, I can't help it, Katy. I have to finish this sweater.

KATY:

How's it comin'?

LIZ:

I don't know. I haven't been able to see for two hours. It feels all right. ...

KATY:

Let me take a look. Well, you've licked the neck problem. Only one neck hole.

LIZ:

(BEAT, ZERO ENTHUSIASM) Goody. ...

KATY:

What's this thing?

LIZ:

What? Oh. That's a sleeve.

KATY:

Oh. And what's this one?

LIZ:

That's the other sleeve.

KATY:

(BEAT) Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

Yes?

KATY:

What's this one? ...

LIZ:

Oh, no! Three sleeves! Katy, do you know anybody with three--?

KATY:

(INTERRUPTS) No.

LIZ:

No, huh? ... Here I go again: Liz the Ripper! ... I'm losing ground, Katy. By Christmas, I'll owe the sweater three balls of yarn.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

KATY:

More coffee, Mr. Cooper?

GEORGE:

No, thanks. I'm late now. Er, tell Liz goodbye for me, will you? Oh, here's sleeping beauty now!

KATY:

Mornin', Mrs. Cooper.

GEORGE:

Morning, Liz.

LIZ:

(YAWNS EXTRAVAGANTLY) Hi.

GEORGE:

Open your eyes, dear.

LIZ:

They are open.

KATY:

Maybe some food will help you. Try this.

LIZ:

No, thank you. I don't like tomato juice.

GEORGE:

Well, that's not tomato juice. It's milk.

LIZ:

Why is it red? ...

GEORGE:

It isn't. That's the glow from your eyes.

LIZ:

(DISGUSTED) Ew. ...

GEORGE:

Uh, what were you doing last night, Liz?

LIZ:

Oh, just working in Santa's sweatshop.

GEORGE:

Hmm. Making something for me?

LIZ:

No!

GEORGE:

Oh, come on. What is it? Well, give me a hint.

LIZ:

Now look who wants a hint. All right, I'll give you the same kind you gave me. It's got three arms, two necks, and a foot sticking out of its back! ...

GEORGE:

(PLEASED) Liz, you're knitting me a sweater! ...

LIZ:

What?!

GEORGE:

Ah, that was a pretty wild guess, wasn't it? Ha! Imagine -- you knitting a sweater! (CRACKS UP LAUGHING)

LIZ:

Katy, hand me a knife and tell me where he is! ...

GEORGE:

Yeah, well, I've got to run. Goodbye, dear.

LIZ:

Goodbye.

SOUND:

GEORGE'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND CLOSES AS HE EXITS

KATY:

(CACKLES MERRILY) I thought he knew for a minute!

LIZ:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, he's so smart. That's just another reason why I have to finish the sweater. Will you get me my knitting, Katy? It's in the hall closet.

KATY:

All right, but I think you should give your eyes a rest.

LIZ:

I can't help it. I've got to finish.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, CLOSET DOOR OPENS

KATY:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Mrs. Cooper, did you re-wrap that box and put it back here in the closet?

LIZ:

No. Why?

KATY:

Well, there's another one here.

LIZ:

Let's see. Oh! How do you like that? I didn't even see it. That must be my present. Open it, Katy.

KATY:

Me?

LIZ:

Yes. Then when George asks me if I opened it, I won't be lying when I say "no." ...

KATY:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, the things I do.

SOUND:

BOX UNWRAPPED

LIZ:

(GASPS) Ooh, it's from Miller's! I hope it's-- It is, Katy. It's the dress! (DEFLATED) But it's red.

KATY:

Bright red.

LIZ:

Oh, that man! What was he thinking about? I can't wear red with my hair. If I put that dress on, I'd look like an Unguentine ad. ...

KATY:

Well, you can get it exchanged for another one after Christmas.

LIZ:

No, I can't. They only had one green one my size. Katy, I'm going out and exchange it right now.

KATY:

But what will Mr. Cooper say when you open the box on Christmas and the dress is green?

LIZ:

Uh-- I'll tell him the color ran. So long, Katy.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

DEPARTMENT STORE BACKGROUND (ELEVATOR CHIMES, CROWD MURMURS, ET CETERA)

LIZ:

(TO HERSELF) Knit one, purl two. Knit one--

CLERK:

Yes, ma'am? You're next.

LIZ:

Uh, just a minute till I finish this row. Knit one, purl two. Knit one-- There!

CLERK:

When you get that sweater finished, are you going to try to exchange it?

LIZ:

No. No, I'd like to exchange a Christmas present.

CLERK:

You--? I beg your pardon?

LIZ:

I'd like to exchange a Christmas present.

CLERK:

Aren't you a little late for last year? ...

LIZ:

It's this year's Christmas present.

CLERK:

Oh! Well, in that case-- (DOUBLE TAKE) What day is this? ...

LIZ:

The twentieth.

CLERK:

(RELIEVED) Oh! For a minute, I thought I'd overslept. ...

LIZ:

I just happened to receive this present a little early.

CLERK:

Ooooh! We've been snoopy, haven't we? ...

LIZ:

Never mind. I'd like to exchange this for a dress that's the right color for my hair.

CLERK:

Well, I don't think we have a dress that shade. Why don't you take a black one and give it a henna rinse? ...

LIZ:

(DRY) Oh, I'll bet you're a scream when you get out your chicken inspector badge. (CLICKS TONGUE) ... (STERN) Will you exchange this dress or not?

CLERK:

Well, I'll exchange it on one condition. That you return my telephone cord.

LIZ:

Now what would I be doing with your telephone cord?

CLERK:

Well, I don't know, but you've got it knitted into your sweater.

LIZ:

(DISMAYED) Ohhhhh! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS LIZ ENTERS

LIZ:

Well, I'm back, Katy.

KATY:

Did they exchange it?

LIZ:

Yes. I got the most beautiful kelly green dress you've ever seen.

KATY:

Good.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

LIZ:

I'll get it.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... GEORGE'S VOICE ON FILTER

LIZ:

Hello?

GEORGE:

Hello, Liz? I just talked to mother and she's leaving a day earlier than she planned.

LIZ:

Oh, how wonderful! (ADDS QUICKLY) For Aunt Bessie. ...

GEORGE:

I'm going to bring her by the house to pick up her Christmas present, so you better have it ready.

LIZ:

Okay. Where is it?

GEORGE:

I put it in the hall closet.

LIZ:

(PAUSE) ... You did what?

GEORGE:

I put it in the hall closet. It's a big box from Miller's.

LIZ:

Miller's?

GEORGE:

Yeah, we'll be there in about an hour, honey. G'bye!

SOUND:

PHONE DISCONNECTS

LIZ:

(TOO LATE) Wait a minute, George!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

LIZ:

(DISMAYED) Ohhh, Katy. I exchanged the wrong present. That dress was for Mother Cooper.

KATY:

No!

LIZ:

Yes, and they'll be here in an hour. I'll have to rush down and exchange it again.

KATY:

Wait a minute, why not let her take the new one?

LIZ:

Oh, no. She can't stand green. It clashes with her complexion. ... I'll see you in an hour -- I hope.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LIZ:

(SELF-CONSCIOUS) Uh-- Uh, pardon me.

CLERK:

Yes, madam? What can I do for-- (DOUBLE TAKE) --you? ...

LIZ:

Er, I'd like to exchange something, please.

CLERK:

Well! What goody have we poked our nose into this time? ...

LIZ:

(FIRM) Now look, I'm in a hurry and I want to exchange this dress.

CLERK:

Didn't you just exchange a red dress exactly like this?

LIZ:

Yes. I'd like the red one back in exchange for this green one.

CLERK:

Don't tell me. I know! You've rented yourself out as a stop signal. ...

LIZ:

Please, I don't have time to explain.

CLERK:

Well, won't it still clash with your hair?

LIZ:

No.

CLERK:

Oh, I get it! You're going to dye your hair green.

LIZ:

No!

CLERK:

You're going to shave your head?

LIZ:

All right, I'm gonna shave my head and paint it green! Now may I have my exchange slip?

CLERK:

Yes, certainly. Here. And, miss?

LIZ:

What?

CLERK:

Will you bring your head in and let me see it? ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES ... LIZ'S STEPS IN

LIZ:

I made it!

KATY:

Did you get the red dress back?

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF WRAPPING PAPER

LIZ:

It's safe in this box. Are they here yet, Katy?

KATY:

Yes. Mr. Cooper and his mother just came in the front door. I told them you were upstairs.

LIZ:

Thanks.

KATY:

And, Mrs. Cooper?

LIZ:

Yes?

KATY:

I worked on the sweater while you were gone. There's only one row left to do.

LIZ:

(SURPRISED AND PLEASED) Oh, Katy--!

KATY:

I put it back in the desk drawer.

LIZ:

Oh, you're a darling. I better get in there and give Mother Cooper her present.

SOUND:

LIVING ROOM DOOR OPENS

GEORGE & MOTHER:

(LAUGHING WITH EACH OTHER)

LIZ:

Hello, Mother Cooper.

MOTHER:

(POLITE GREETING) Elizabeth.

GEORGE:

Hi, Liz!

LIZ:

Hi, honey. Well, mother, here's your present.

MOTHER:

Oh, thank you, dear.

GEORGE:

Oh, wait a minute, Liz. You've made a mistake.

LIZ:

(BEAT) ... I've what?

GEORGE:

Well, that's not Mother's present.

LIZ:

It isn't?

GEORGE:

No. That's yours.

LIZ:

(STUNNED, THEN HYSTERICAL) No. No! No-no-no-no-nooooo! ...

GEORGE:

Well, it's nothing to get excited about.

LIZ:

No? ...

GEORGE:

I'll get Mother's present. (MOVING OFF) It's up on the shelf in the closet.

MOTHER:

(FEIGNS SWEETNESS) What are you looking so glum about, dear? It's Christmastime! Be gay and happy! (SINGS) "Jingle bells, jingle bells--!"

LIZ:

(INTERRUPTS, ANNOYED) Oh, go jingle your own bell! ...

MOTHER:

Ahem. (SMUG) How's your sweater coming, dear? Or did you give it up? (CHUCKLES)

LIZ:

No, I didn't give it up. (MOCKS MOTHER'S CHUCKLING) ... It's right here in the desk drawer. Would you care to see it?

MOTHER:

Yes.

SOUND:

DRAWER SLIDES OPEN

LIZ:

Right here.

MOTHER:

(TAKEN ABACK) You--? (SKEPTICAL) Oh, you bought this.

LIZ:

No, I didn't. It isn't even finished yet. See?

GEORGE:

(OFF) Your cab is here, mother! Come on!

MOTHER:

(CALLS) Uh, coming, baby! (TO LIZ, CAGEY) Um, Elizabeth, let me see how you finished that neck. (BEAT, SLY) Ah, yesssss. Wonderful. (CHUCKLES, UPBEAT) Well, let's go!

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS TO GEORGE

GEORGE:

(FADES IN) You just have time to get to the station. Here's your present.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

MOTHER:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, thank you both, you dear children.

LIZ:

Goodbye.

MOTHER:

(OFF) Goodbye! See you after the holidays.

SOUND:

CAB DOOR CLOSES, OFF

GEORGE:

Goodbye, mother! (STARTLED) Oh!

LIZ:

What's the matter?

GEORGE:

Well, there's something cutting my ankle. Huh! It's a piece of yarn.

LIZ:

Yarn?

GEORGE:

Yeah. Look. It goes all the way down the stairs and along the walk and into the cab with mother.

SOUND:

ENGINE ROARS AND CAB DRIVES OFF DURING FOLLOWING--

LIZ:

Oh! Put your foot on it, George! Break it! Quick!

GEORGE:

Oh, there. It broke.

LIZ:

(UPSET) I never should have let her near it!

GEORGE:

I wonder where it comes from. Look, it goes right in the door and along the hall and--

LIZ:

(HORRIFIED, TEARFUL) And into the living room and across the carpet and up on the desk and--! Ohhhhhhh!

GEORGE:

(PLEASED) Liz! You are knitting me a sweater! And isn't it wonderful? You've got two inches finished already!

LIZ:

(WAILS IN DESPAIR)

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

LUCILLE:

Bob?! Bob LeMond?!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, Lucille? Where to, tonight?

LUCILLE:

Come, Robert. We're going back-back-back to the dawn of civilization! The days of the caveman! Of course, no one will understand caveman language, so I will translate. (TO BANDLEADER) Wilbur, a little prehistoric music.

MUSIC:

THUNDEROUS AND PREHISTORIC

SOUND:

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

LUCILLE:

(A LINE OF PRIMITIVE-SOUNDING GIBBERISH AND GRUNTING; THEN--) ... Oh. Translation: "Get up, Neanderthal. Civilization just dawned."

ANNOUNCER:

(LENGTHY YAWN AND STRETCH)

LUCILLE:

Translation: (LENGTHY YAWN AND STRETCH) ... You don't love me, Neanderthal. You haven't hit me on the head with a club lately.

ANNOUNCER:

Huh?

LUCILLE:

Oh, sorry. (TWO LINES OF PRIMITIVE-SOUNDING GIBBERISH AND GRUNTING) ...

ANNOUNCER:

Oh. (LOUD GRUNT AS--)

SOUND:

LUCILLE HIT ON HEAD WITH CLUB

LUCILLE:

OUCH! ... (A LINE OF ANGRY GIBBERISH)

ANNOUNCER:

(ANOTHER LINE OF ANGRY GIBBERISH)

LUCILLE:

(A FINAL LINE OF ANGRY GIBBERISH) ...

ANNOUNCER:

I want Jell-O with its six delicious flavors: ugly, bug-lee, babby, oing, boing -- and lime! ...

LUCILLE:

Translation: "strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and plook!" ...

ANNOUNCER:

(BROKEN ENGLISH) Jell-O make you think of the real ripe uggo-bug itself!

LUCILLE:

Translation: "fruit."

ANNOUNCER:

(BROKEN ENGLISH) So look for big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O and Jell-O spells a treat!

LUCILLE:

(AD LIBS) Ugh ugh!

ANNOUNCER:

Because the-- (CRACKS UP LAUGHING) ... Because the flavor is locked in and can't get out till your first delectable spoonful.

LUCILLE:

Translation: "Yum yum yum!" Good night, NeanderBob. ...

ANNOUNCER:

(LAUGHS)

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT WITH--

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen, the Christmas and New Year holiday season is a period of neighborly getting together and renewing community ties. It's a time when every American should be even more aware of the individual liberties he enjoys in the United States. And this freedom demands that each of us fulfills our duties as a citizen: to vote, to serve on juries, and to participate in community, state, and national affairs. By making our form of government work better here, we strengthen democracy everywhere. We provide an example of a free government which preserves the rights and the dignity of the individual. So remember: freedom is everybody's job.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

You have been listening to MY FAVORITE HUSBAND, starring Lucille Ball with Richard Denning, and based on characters created by Isabel Scott Rorick. Tonight's program was produced and directed by Jess Oppenheimer who wrote the script with Madelyn Pugh and Bob Carroll Jr. Original music was composed by Marlin Skiles and conducted by Wilbur Hatch. The part of Katy the maid was played by Ruth Perrott. Watch for Lucille Ball in the Columbia picture "Miss Grant Takes Richmond" and be sure to listen to Lucille Ball in MY FAVORITE HUSBAND again next week, presented by--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Ohhhhh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O!

WOMAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Puddings.

MAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Tap-pioca Puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

MUSIC:

J-E-L-L-O TAG ... THEN FOR ANOTHER JINGLE, BEHIND SINGERS--

SINGERS:

Ohhhh, it's Log Cabin Syrup for mine, mine, mine, mine.
With that real North Woods flavor so fine, oh-so-fine!
Blended cane and pure maple,
It's tops on your table,
That real maple flavor
Does pancakes a favor,
It's Log Cabin Syrup for mine, mine, mine, mine!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, Log Cabin is the syrup with that delicious North Woods maple flavor. It's America's most popular quality table syrup. Enjoy it on waffles or pancakes, for Sunday night suppers as well as at breakfast.

SINGERS:

It's Log Cabin Syrup for mine, mine, mine, mine!

ANNOUNCER:

Listen to Lucille Ball in MY FAVORITE HUSBAND again next week. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... UNTIL END

MUSIC:

THEME ... UNTIL END