SOUND:

Ringing of phone

ANNOUNCE:

Ladies and Gentlemen, the ringing of that phone bell brings you mystery, adventure!

SOUND:

PHONE PICKUP

ARCHIE:

Hello? Hello? Who is this, hello?

ANNOUNCE:

(OVER PREVIOUS) The handsome young man answering the phone is Archie Goodwin.

WOLFE:

(SNORING, CONTINUED UNDER)

ANNOUNCE:

And the mountain of a man engrossed in...deep thought in the oversized armchair is Nero Wolfe.

ARCHIE:

Hey boss...oh, Mr. Wolfe...MISTER WOLFE! There's a guy on the phone wants us to take a case.

(BEAT)

Seems that someone was mad at a guy who was mad and now this guy on the phone is mad and wants us to find out who did the killing and Mr Wolfe we need the money, whatdoyousay?

WOLFE:

(SNORING CONTINUES)

ARCHIE:

(CHUCKLES) Hello? Yes, Mr Wolfe says he'll be happy to take the case. Just present yourself and a check for two-thousand dollars at 601 East Thirty-fifth street at eleven o'clock. Mr. Wolfe can't wait for you to get here. He's dying to go to work. Goodbye.

SOUND:

PHONE HANGUP

ARCHIE:

Huh. Greatest detective in the world.

WOLFE:

(GRUMBLES IN HIS SLEEP)

ARCHIE:

Only trouble is...he is!

MUSIC:

OPENING FANFARE

ANNOUNCE:

Yes, listeners, Archie is so right. He is the greatest detective in the world. And the fattest, and the least energetic. He's Nero Wolfe! Created by Rex Stout and brought to you over the Icebox Radio network by the Minnesota State Arts Board, and listeners like you.

MUSIC:

BIG LEAD-IN THEME

ANNOUNCE:

Tonight, it's the case of the Beautiful Archer.

ARCHIE:

Well that's a good title.

ANNOUNCE:

And it was a good case, too. It began in the consulting room of Dr Raymond Townley of the Townley Sanitarium, just a skip and a jump north of Nyack, New York, when a very lovely young lovely glared across the desk at the good doctor.

DIANA:

Shall we pretend you don't know who I am, Dr Townley?

DR TOWNLEY:

How could we possibly do that, my dear Diana Lawrence? Twenty-three years old. Daughter of one of our better-known sculptors, Michael Lawrence. You were born in Johanasburg, educated in London and Paris, and live at present not 100 yards from here in your father's cottage on Berryhill Lane. How's that?

DIANA:

It's intended to be staggering, isn't it?

DR TOWNLEY:

You take no cream nor sugar in you coffee, were winner of women's national archery tournament for 1947 and have an exceedingly high temper.

DIANA:

Let's stop the nonsense. You have an inpatient here named Willard Garth who just happens to be my fiance.

DR TOWNLEY:

Yes. He has mentioned the fact during his analysis.

DIANA:

And has he, by any chance, mentioned his reasons for refusing to see me over the past five weeks?

DR TOWNLEY:

He didn't have to, Miss Lawrence.

DIANA:

What do you mean?

DR TOWNLEY:

I mean that I recommended that he give you up as a bad job.

DIANA:

What?!? I suppose you had some purpose in saying what you did.

DR TOWNLEY:

Of course. I'm the boy's doctor. You think you're in love with Willard Garth, but actually you're infatuated with the Garth millions.

DIANA:

You presume a lot on yourself, don't you doctor?

DR TOWNLEY:

I consider it important to relieve Willard of all painful, external pressure.

DIANA:

And you think you've done well for Willard? Relieving him of me?

DR TOWNLEY:

I think so.

DIANA:

Well let's see you relieve yourself of me!

SOUND:

SHUFFLE, GUN REMOVED FROM BAG

(PAUSE)

 

DR TOWNLEY:

You purchased the gun for this occasion, Miss Lawrence?

DIANA:

Yes.

DR TOWNLEY:

And what exactly do you hope to accomplish with it?

DIANA:

A quick and complete reversal of your decision about me. I'm not as easy to handle as Willard. And if you intend to ruin my life, then I intend to end yours here and now.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS, CONTINUED UNDER

DR TOWNLEY:

The phone is ringing.

DIANA:

Let it ring.

DR TOWNLEY:

Just as you say.

(PAUSE)

 

DR TOWNLEY:

It's the house phone, Miss Lawrence. It may be Willard, you know.

DIANA:

Willard?!

DR TOWNLEY:

Yes. He usually phones me from his room at about this time every day.

DIANA:

Um...oh, all right. Answer it, but be careful what you say.

DR TOWNLEY:

You're in command, it seems.

SOUND:

PHONE PICKUP

DR TOWNLEY:

Hello? Oh why, hello. I thought it would be you, Willard. Look my boy, Diana Lawrence is here. I've had a talk with her and I've reconsidered my opinion.

(BEAT)

Yes, I'm quite serious. If you're at all sensible, you'll see her regularly and plan on a marriage as soon as you discharged.

(BEAT)

Yes.

(BEAT)

Oh, you do? Very well, I'll see if she'll talk to you. Miss Lawrence?

DIANA:

Yes?!

DR TOWNLEY:

Do you want to speak to --

DIANA:

Here, give me the phone.

DR TOWNLEY:

Of course. Here you are and --

SOUND:

BRIEF STRUGGLE

DIANA:

What! Stop it ---

DR TOWNLEY:

There we are. Now, stand away, Miss Lawrence.

DIANA:

But Willard! Willard is on the phone.

DR TOWNLEY:

Willard is not on the phone.

SOUND:

PHONE HANGUP

DR TOWNLEY:

No one was on the phone. The ring came from the push button under my desk here. Some times, I find it convenient to interrupt my consolations with a phone call.

DIANA:

Why you...you smug, deceitful, self-centered --

DR TOWNLEY:

Murder is a vexatious business. You'll be grateful to me one day.

(BEAT)

 

DIANA:

All right. Give me my gun and let me go.

DR TOWNLEY:

The gun, I'm afraid, stays with me. Locked up in this specimen cabinet.

SOUND:

CABINET DOOR CLOSED, LOCK WORKED.

DR TOWNLEY:

I scarcely feel justified in trusting you with it. And now, with your permission -- or without it -- this interview is ended.

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC STING

ARCHIE:

Later that day, the phone in the Lawrence house on Berryhill lane started to jingle.

SOUND:

PHONE RING, CONTINUED UNDER

ARCHIE:

And this time it was no phony!

SOUND:

ONE OR TWO MORE RINGS. THEN, A PHONE PICKUP

DIANA:

Hello?

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

Diana?

DIANA:

Yes?

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

It's Willard, darling. Diana, darling, it's Willard!

DIANA:

(SARCASTIC) Imagine! Has the doctor allowed you to use a telephone just as if you were a great, big adult?

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

I've got to see you, sweetheart! And I didn't call you to argue. Love, beauty, understanding. That's what matters, isn't it? Isn't it?!

DIANA:

Do I hear the overtones of a change of heart?

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

Oh, Diana! What happened wasn't my fault. He poisoned me against you!

DIANA:

Then why don't you walk out of that amateur nuthouse and stand up like a man?

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

I probably shall, Diana. Now please listen to me. He's letting me have the limousine tonight from eight until twelve. I want us to go for a ride and talk, and talk until everything is clear. Clear as a bell, my baby.

DIANA:

Don't tell me he's trusting you to drive.

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

Oh no. One of the handyman here will chauffeur us. Oh say you'll come, won't you? Say it! Say yes, say you will!

DIANA:

Well...yes, Willard. I'll be glad too.

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

Oh, wonderful. Eight o'clock, then?

DIANA:

Eight.

WILLARD (VFX OVER PHONE):

Oh bless you. Bless you, my angel!

MUSIC:

MYSTERY TRANSITION.

SOUND:

CAR INTERIOR, FADE IN, CONTINUED DOWN AND UNDER

WILLARD:

Oh, so that's it. You want my father's money. That's what you love. Not me.

DIANA:

Willard! The chauffeur will hear you.

WILLARD:

It's the way Townley says it is. He's right. He's right!

DIANA:

Oh, why did I let you talk me into this? What a fool I was to have come at all. You're sick inside, Willard. So utterly, hopelessly sick!

WILLARD:

Oh, so now I'm...hopelessly sick?

DIANA:

Yes, you are!

WILLARD:

You're trying to confuse me. Take advantage of me. Wind me around your finger just because I love you too much. That's it. That's my illness! Yes, I see it now. You! You're the thing I must get rid of. You with your beautiful face and your twisted values. You're at the bottom of all my agony.

DIANA:

(BEING CHOKED) Willard! What are you doing?

(CHOKING SOUNDS CONTINUE UNDER)

WILLARD:

I'm saving myself! I'm saving myself! Once you're dead and this is ended, I'll be safe! I'll be safe! I'll --

SOUND:

GUNSHOTS

WILLARD:

(DEATH GASP)

SOUND:

THE CAR PULLS OVER AND STOPS.

DIANA:

Willard? Willard!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC STAB

SOUND:

DOOR BUZZER FADES IN. A DOOR OPENS.

ARCHIE:

Dr Townley?

DR TOWNLEY:

Yes.

ARCHIE:

Come in. Mr. Wolfe's been expecting you.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

WOLFE:

(DISTANT) Yes, Dr. Townley! Come in!

(COMING ON)

Have a chair, sir.

DR TOWNLEY:

Thank you, Mr. Wolfe. I'm so happy you've agreed to take this case.

WOLFE:

Have a glass of beer.

DR TOWNLEY:

Oh no, no. Never at this time of morning, thank you.

SOUND:

GLASS CLINK, BEER POURED UNDER THE FOLLOWING

WOLFE:

Well doctor, the newspapers check out with what you told me. The girl and young Garth went out for a ride in your limousine last night. The car was driven by one of your handymen.

DR TOWNLEY:

That's right. Haines, his name is.

WOLFE:

And they never came back. Young Garth was found dead in the car with two bullets in him. The girl was gone, and also Haines, the handyman chauffeur, eh?

DR TOWNLEY:

Correct, sir.

WOLFE:

Have you any idea where he could be?

DR TOWNLEY:

No sir.

WOLFE:

And the young lady, tell me about her.

DR TOWNLEY:

She is Diana Lawrence, daughter of Michael Lawrence.

WOLFE:

The sculptor?

DR TOWNLEY:

The sculptor, yes. She lives with him in a small cottage near my sanitarium on Berryhill Lane. An extremely aggressive and self-centered female with more than a slight flair for violence.

WOLFE:

Your description might easily lead me to suspect her of this murder, sir.

DR TOWNLEY:

I'm aware of that. And I don't think you'd be far off the mark. As I told you on the phone, she tried to murder me yesterday morning.

WOLFE:

Hmm. The police have made no headway in locating her?

DR TOWNLEY:

No. The homicide division has contacted her father, but he's remained quite non-committal. He says she's incapable of killing a fly, and that he hasn't laid eyes on her since eight o'clock last night.

WOLFE:

Highly suspicious behavior.

DR TOWNLEY:

She was unquestioningly in the car with young Garth when he was murdered.

WOLFE:

Mmm. But she wasn't alone in the car with him?

DR TOWNLEY:

You're referring to Haines?

WOLFE:

Yes, because he can't be found either, remember?

DR TOWNLEY:

It appears he failed to list his home address on his job application. But somehow, Mr. Wolfe, I'm quite sure he will show up this afternoon.

WOLFE:

If I were you, Dr Townley, I wouldn't be quite so sure. We must begin by facing the initial problem of locating our suspects. Archie?

ARCHIE:

Yes, sir?

WOLFE:

Get out the car and drive up to the house on Berryhill Lane.

ARCHIE:

And then?

WOLFE:

There you will ask Mr. Michael Lawrence if he's sensible enough to cooperate with us in finding his daughter.

ARCHIE:

And if his answer is no?

WOLFE:

Then I suggest, Archie, that you flatly refuse to take it.

MUSIC:

BIG STAB, FOLLOWED BY MYSTERY THEME DOWN AND UNDER

ARCHIE:

Mr. Lawrence was no simple baby to handle. He was in the studio when I walked in chiseling on a statue of a boy and a girl both wearing less clothes than the law allows. And before I even had a chance to state my name, he commenced giving me a free lecture on the marble work of art.

LAWRENCE:

She's good. Really good. She's practically superb. The Ariadne.

ARCHIE:

The What-ee-od-nee?

LAWRENCE:

The girl in the statue.

ARCHIE:

Oh.

LAWRENCE:

The Ariadne, classic nymph of Greek mythology. Don't tell me you're not familiar with Apollo and Ariadne?

ARCHIE:

All right, I won't.

LAWRENCE:

The Apollo, on the other hand, is unfinished. The face, you see, lacks something. The passion of yearning, Olympian desire. And yet the two figures have motion --

ARCHIE:

Like your daughter?

LAWRENCE:

Eh?

ARCHIE:

Your daughter, Diana, she's got motion also. As I hear it, she's been in motion ever since she murdered Willard Garth last night in the back end of a limousine.

LAWRENCE:

So you're another flatfoot?

ARCHIE:

Not exactly. I'm paid in private by Nero Wolfe.

LAWRENCE:

Nero Wolfe?

ARCHIE:

Yeah.

LAWRENCE:

You don't mean to tell me that a credible man like Wolfe thinks Diana killed young Garth?

ARCHIE:

He'd like to talk over the possibility with you.

LAWRENCE:

How laughable! Look at that face. Is there anything of a murderess in a face like that?

ARCHIE:

In a face like what?

LAWRENCE:

Oh, I'm sorry. Diana posed for the Ariadne, you see, and the likeness is exact. Can you see a girl of this type, placid, sensitive, civilized, could descend to the clumsy brute level of murder?

ARCHIE:

Well...it's a little hard to imagine.

LAWRENCE:

There! Even you agree with me.

ARCHIE:

On the other hand --

LAWRENCE:

Shall we discuss the other hand over a cup of coffee? I'm quite exhausted.

ARCHIE:

If you insist.

LAWRENCE:

I do. Sit down and inhale the atmosphere of culture at its source.

(MOVING OFF)

There's a pot warming on the stove.

ARCHIE:

Pot of what? Coffee or culture?

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS

ARCHIE:

Huh, darn. Wanted to see what he meant.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS, UNDER, SEVERAL RINGS

ARCHIE:

Should never ignore a phone call. Who knows? It might be something important.

SOUND:

PHONE PICKUP

ARCHIE:

Yes?

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) This is Diana, father.

ARCHIE:

OhÖ

(PASSABLE IMITATION OF LAWRENCE)

Oh yes, Diana.

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) It's all over the papers.

ARCHIE:

Yes, I know.

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) I don't think they'll find me where I am. And I'm staying here until things quiet down a little.

ARCHIE:

Where are you, Honey?

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) I...what did you say?

ARCHIE:

I said where are you?

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) You said honey. Daddy, you never call me honey.

ARCHIE:

Sorry, it's because I'm excited. Now where are you, sweetheart?

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) You mustn't let anybody find out.

ARCHIE:

Not a soul in the world. Where are you?

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) Do you know where the turnpike turns off to the left beyond Barnsville?

ARCHIE:

Yes.

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) Well, I'm --

SOUND:

HEAD BEING HIT BY MALLET

ARCHIE:

(GROANS)

SOUND:

BODY FALL

LAWRENCE:

Call me later, Angel!

DIANA (VFX OVER PHONE) But father, I --

SOUND:

PHONE HANG UP.

ARCHIE:

(GROANS) Get that motorman's number.

LAWRENCE:

You will live, my friend, but not long if you don't control your curiosity.

ARCHIE:

So, hit me with a mallet eh? What's the big idea?

LAWRENCE:

Do you really have to ask that question? You, who tried to trick my daughter into disclosing her whereabouts?

ARCHIE:

The police are pretty interested in her whereabouts.

LAWRENCE:

Than let them find her. But you can't be surprised, my friend, if I choose to protect Diana's interests.

MUSIC:

BIG TRANSTION

WOLFE:

So he's working on an Apollo and Ariadne, is he Archie?

ARCHIE:

Who cares about Apollo and Ariadne! The point is how he worked on my gourd!

WOLFE:

That, of course, is unfortunate, my boy. But --

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

WOLFE:

Would you get that, please?

ARCHIE:

Um hmm.

SOUND:

PHONE PICKUP

ARCHIE:

Hello?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Inspector Kramer.

ARCHIE:

Hold it. For you.

WOLFE:

Hmm. Yes?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Wolfe?

WOLFE:

Ah, how are you, inspector?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) I hear you're in on the Garth killing.

WOLFE:

Not very deeply, I'm afraid. We're still trying to locate the Lawrence girl.

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Well you can forget about that.

WOLFE:

Yes?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Yes. We've already located her. And released her on a habias corpus.

WOLFE:

Sounds interesting.

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Her father had a lawyer on our heads before she was in here ten minutes.

WOLFE:

It's too bad you couldn't have held onto her.

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Oh, I don't know. I'm not so sure we want her.

WOLFE:

Why not?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Well, first of all, It's not likely she did it.

WOLFE:

Oh?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Ballistics stated that the bullets that killed Willard Garth were not fired from point-blank range. And she was sitting right beside him in the back seat.

WOLFE:

I see.

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Also, we found the murder weapon in the grass near where the limousine was parked. And she admitted it was hers.

WOLFE:

That sounds like a poor reason to release her.

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) The point is, she wasn't in possession of the gun when the killing happened, at least so she says.

WOLFE:

No? Who was?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) The doctor.

WOLFE:

What doctor?

KRAMER (VFX OVER PHONE) Townley, the guy who runs that sanitarium. According to her, he took the gun away from her for safe keeping at noon yesterday.

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC STING, DOWN AND CONTINUED UNDER

ARCHIE:

There was a little more talk between them, something about fresh cigar ashes that were found in the dashboard ashtray of the limousine. After that, the boss hung up and exerted himself enough to put a call through to the Townley Sanitarium.

SECRETARY (VFX OVER PHONE) I'm afraid the doctor is very busy right now.

WOLFE:

So am I, and I'm afraid my business is highly important.

SECRETARY (VFX OVER PHONE) Than I'll say you called, Mr Wolfe, and I'll ask him to contact you just as soon as he has a free moment.

WOLFE:

Do you happen to have a free moment, miss?

SECRETARY (VFX OVER PHONE) Wha...why yes sir.

WOLFE:

Could you spend it by telling me if that handyman, Mr. Haines, has been located?

SECRETARY (VFX OVER PHONE) Why yes, as a matter of fact, he has. One of the staff just found out where he lives, Mr Wolfe.

WOLFE:

And where, pray-tell, is that?

SECRETARY (VFX OVER PHONE) He has a small cottage at 206 Dockside Road. That's out near Sheepshead Bay.

WOLFE:

Thank you.

SOUND:

PHONE HANG UP

WOLFE:

Archie!

ARCHIE:

I'm going someplace I suppose?

WOLFE:

You are. You're going to Sheepshead Bay.

MUSIC:

ACTION TRANSITION

SOUND:

SEAGULLS AND OCEAN BACKGROUND, CONTINUED UNDER

ARCHIE:

Hello there?

HAINES:

Hmm?

ARCHIE:

Looking for a guy I can't find.

HAINES:

Oh?

ARCHIE:

Yeah. His name is Haines. Stopped at the cottage up there but there's no one there. I saw you here on the warf fishing so --

HAINES:

What did you say his name is?

ARCHIE:

Haines. H-A-I-N-E-S

HAINES:

Ahhh. Oh, Haines.

ARCHIE:

Yeah, yeah. You know him?

HAINES:

Well, there's a fella named Hines used to fish down here.

ARCHIE:

No, not Hines, Haines.

HAINES:

Couldn't be Hatteberg?

(BEAT)

 

ARCHIE:

No it couldn't be. The name is Haines. H-A-I --

VOICE (DISTANT):

Haines! Hey Haines! Give me a hand here, would ya?

ARCHIE:

(CHUCKLES) Well what do you know.

HAINES:

Funny, huh? That guy seems to think my name is Haines.

ARCHIE:

Yeah, so do I.

HAINES:

You do?

ARCHIE:

Yeah, why don --

SOUND:

STRUGGLE OF A FEW PUNCHES THROWN.

ARCHIE:

(YELL WHILE FALLING AWAY)

SOUND:

DISTANT SPLASH

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC TRANSITION CONTINUED UNDER

SOUND:

PHONE RINGING, CONTINUED UNDER

ARCHIE:

I got back to our house soaked to skin and minus Haines. And just in time to see the boss in the exhausting process of walking across the room to answer the phone.

SOUND:

LABORED, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS UNDER PREVIOUS. PHONE PICKUP

WOLFE:

Hello?

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

This is Dr Townley. You called me.

WOLFE:

I did.

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

About the murder?

WOLFE:

More specifically about the statement from Diana Lawrence that you removed a firearm from her possession yesterday morning.

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

That's quite correct. It's here in my specimen cabinet.

WOLFE:

Is it?

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

Of course it is.

WOLFE:

I suggest you check.

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

Just a moment.

(PAUSE)
Mr Wolfe!

WOLFE:

Yes?

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

I'd like to see you at once.

WOLFE:

I suppose the gun has vanished.

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

How did you know?

WOLFE:

Because it is in the possession of the police ballistics department. It turned out to be the gun that killed Willard Garth.

(BEAT)

 

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

I see.

WOLFE:

Do you?

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

Yes. I understand everything now. It's crystal clear.

WOLFE:

Just how crystal clear?

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

I'm quite certain, Mr. Wolfe, that I can put my finger on the killer.

WOLFE:

Than I think it would be well if you came here immediately.

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

No, I'm afraid that's impossible. There's an important operation scheduled and I simply cannot leave.

WOLFE:

What do you suggest?

DR TOWNLEY (VFX ON PHONE) :

Well, is it outside the realm of possibility that you come here?

(BEAT)

Is it, Mr Wolfe?

(BEAT)

Hello? Mr Wolfe?

(BEAT)

Mr. Wolfe!

MUSIC:

MELLO DRAMATIC STING, CONTINUED UNDER

ARCHIE:

When my boss has to leave the house its a major tragedy. Some times he rages, some times he curses the whole detective business lock, stock and barrel. And sometimes he quietly grips the side of the car and tries not to inhale any fresh air. This was one of the quiet times.

SOUND:

FADE IN CAR INTERIOR, CONTINUED UNDER

WOLFE:

Go slowly, Archie. But get there as quickly as you can.

ARCHIE:

You don't want a chauffeur, Mr. Wolfe. What you want is a magician.

WOLFE:

Keep your eye on the road and don't strain yourself making superfluous witticisms!

ARCHIE:

Why don't you try relaxing a little. I hear there hasn't been a man eating tiger spotted on the Palisades Parkway in the last 500 years.

WOLFE:

Your levity is out of order! Don't try to make light of a deplorable situation.

MUSIC:

LIGHT-HEARTED TRANSITION

SOUND:

CAR INTERIOR FADE BACK IN

ARCHIE:

Here's the sanitarium.

SOUND:

CAR STOP, ENGINE OFF

ARCHIE:

And there's Dr Townley coming to meet us.

SOUND:

CAR DOORS OPEN, CLOSED.

DR TOWNLEY:

(COMING ON) It's terribly nice of you to come, Mr. Wolfe. I've heard about your aversion to traveling and I appreciate you taking the trouble.

WOLFE:

(STRAINING) Don't...don't mentionÖ.Pah! Archie, help me up out of this infernal car!

ARCHIE:

(SEVERE STRAIN) There you are!

(BEAT)

Calm down, you're all in one piece.

DR TOWNLEY:

I think you'll find the trip highly profitable, Mr Wolfe. I think you'll find your time...(GROANS AS HE'S SHOT WITH AN ARROW)

SOUND:

BODY FALL

ARCHIE:

Hey? Hey, what's the matter?!

WOLFE:

What's happened?

ARCHIE:

He's been shot!

WOLFE:

Highly unlikely. There wasn't a sound.

ARCHIE:

This kind of shot doesn't make a sound, boss.

WOLFE:

What do you mean?

ARCHIE:

Better take a look for yourself. There's an arrow in his back, and he's dead!

MUSIC:

BIG STAB

ARCHIE:

We remembered that Dr Townley had said Diana Lawrence had won the women's archery championship for 1947. The Lawrence house was visible through the trees about 100 yards away. So we started for it, and the sculptor's studio.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

ARCHIE:

Hmm. There's no one around.

WOLFE:

So this is his latest effort, Apollo and Ariadne.

ARCHIE:

Yeah. He's done a little work on it since I was here. The Apollo's face isÖHey boss?

WOLFE:

Uh?

ARCHIE:

You know somehow or another, Apollo's face looks a little familiar.

WOLFE:

I wouldn't be surprised, Archie. I think if you examine it closely --

LAWRENCE (COMING ON) Mr Wolfe!

WOLFE:

Ah, our host.

LAWRENCE:

You remember me, don't you? I met you once at a dinner party at your house the time they opened the new museum on 67th Street.

WOLFE:

Of course, Mr. Lawrence.

LAWRENCE:

And to what do I owe the honor?

ARCHIE:

It's not much of an honor. Dr. Townley has been murdered.

LAWRENCE:

No!

WOLFE:

I'm afraid Mr. Goodwin is being accurate.

ARCHIE:

He's been murdered with a bow and arrow. And what does that mean to you, Mr. Lawrence?

LAWRENCE:

I'm sorry. I've been a fool, an awful fool.

ARCHIE:

You can't blame yourself too much. If you'd have cooperated with the police instead of looking out for your daughter's interests a man would still be alive.

LAWRENCE:

But I assure you --

WOLFE:

Where's the girl?

LAWRENCE:

She should be here now. She phoned me a while ago and said she was coming by for passage money to Rio.

DIANA:

(COMING ON) You were looking for me?

ARCHIE:

(WARNING) Boss!

LAWRENCE:

Diana! Put the gun down, angel!

DIANA:

And tie a rope around my neck?

WOLFE:

Might I inquire if your plan is to kill us all, Miss Lawrence?

DIANA:

What would yours be if the world was after you for something you didn't do?

WOLFE:

Would you be willing to risk persuading a jury of that?

DIANA:

Thanks, no! I'll skip that chance. Father, get me the money.

LAWRENCE:

Diana, sweetheart, don't make me a part of your murders. That's asking too much of love!

DIANA:

But you know I'm not guilty.

LAWRENCE:

No, no Diana. I don't.

SOUND:

GUNSHOT

DIANA:

(SCREAMS AS HER HAND IS HIT)

HAINES:

Leave that gun lay there, Diana.

ARCHIE:

Haines!

HAINES:

Looks like I walked in at the right time.

ARCHIE:

That's him, boss. The guy who soused me!

WOLFE:

Take a little of your own advice and relax Archie. What do you want here, Mr. Haines?

HAINES:

I wanna give up and try to straighten out this little deal. Mr Lawrence?

LAWRENCE:

Yes?

HAINES:

Here's your money back. You got a right to call me a welsher. I promised I wouldn't give evidence against the girl and you paid my price. But enough is enough and right here and now, I'm unloading.

WOLFE:

What does this mean?

HAINES:

It means I saw her do it!

DIANA:

(GASPS) You stupid, lying rottenÖ

SOUND:

SHUFFLE OF A FIGHT, CONTINUED

WOLFE:

Grab her, Archie! Grab them both! Get them out of here!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC TRANSITION

LAWRENCE:

What can Is say for myself now? What can I do?

WOLFE:

I'm sorry, Mr. Lawrence, but it's not necessary to eat your heart out. Many fathers before you have done their best and failed.

LAWRENCE:

But I had a special duty toward Diana.

WOLFE:

Special duty?

LAWRENCE:

Yes. You see...well...you'll find it out sooner or later, so I best tell you now. I'm not her real father. I adopted her nine years ago when she was fourteen.

WOLFE:

I see.

LAWRENCE:

I never should have done it. I realize now I was never equal to the task.

WOLFE:

Well, all is not lost yet. They may not convict her, you know?

LAWRENCE:

Hmm?

WOLFE:

I say they may not convict her.

LAWRENCE:

How could they fail to convict her? She killed Garth, didn't she?

WOLFE:

Did she?

LAWRENCE:

She shot him.

WOLFE:

The gun was in Townley's possession.

LAWRENCE:

She easily could have stolen that. She could have broken into his office later, it wasn't locked.

WOLFE:

What wasn't locked?

LAWRENCE:

The specimen cabinet where...I mean --

WOLFE:

I believe you said what you meant, Lawrence, Townley's specimen cabinet. Although for the life of me I can't see how you could have known if it was locked or not unless you had the experience of opening it. Could it be that you went looking for the gun yourself after Townley said he had confiscated it? That you killed Townley with a bow and arrow which you handle as well as your daughter because he was just about to tell me that you knew where the gun was? And that you were the likeliest murder suspect?

LAWRENCE:

You must be mad.

WOLFE:

No sir, not I. (CHUCKLES) But you are, and more than a little. You hated Willard Garth. It was you that was making the marriage impossible. You loathed him, and in the end, you killed him.

LAWRENCE:

How could I have killed him?

WOLFE:

That was your little secret, Mr. Lawrence. The police found cigar ash in the dashboard tray of the death car. The chemical analysis showed that the ash was from an El Dorado cigar. What is it you have in your left hand?

LAWRENCE:

In my...An El Dorado cigar. And in my right hand a Derringer.

WOLFE:

A powerful and admirable little weapon.

LAWRENCE:

I suggest you show proper respect for it by dropping all this here and now.

WOLFE:

You don't wish to hear me say the rest? That you were horribly in love with Diana, your own adopted daughter? In love and hopelessly, eternally frustrated? You would begrudge me the triumph of accusing you have having bribed Haines to let you take his place in the driver's seat of the limousine, and further bribed and threatened him into putting on a show of merry pranks and false confessions to confuse us all beyond measure?

LAWRENCE:

You said I loved Diana. Would I do all this to her if I did?

WOLFE:

Oh, but of course a love like yours is really hate! You would have content to see her dead rather than relinquish her like all miserly, small-hearted men. You'd rather kill the girl you loved rather than muster the generosity necessary to see her attain happiness without you.

LAWRENCE:

That's enough out of you.

WOLFE:

I should think its much too much.

LAWRENCE:

It is!

SOUND:

GUNSHOT.

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC STAB, DOWN AND OUT.

SOUND:

CAR INTERIOR, CONTINUED UNDER

WOLFE:

Archie, my boy. I'm grateful to you! Both for coming back into the house when you did and for being such a good shot.

ARCHIE:

I hope you remember that next time you feel like insulting me.

WOLFE:

(CHUCKLES)

ARCHIE:

Tell me, what's with that cigar ash routine? Who told you the ashes in the limousine were from an El Dorado, boss? I never heard anything about that.

WOLFE:

(CHORTLES) As a matter fact neither have I. No one could possibly determine a cigar's brand by any chemical means in existence. I knew that, you see, and I took the long chance that Lawrence didn't.

ARCHIE:

Oh. But I still don't get the mainspring of the deal. How did you know that he was in love with Diana?

WOLFE:

That was genius, I have to admit it. You see it all hinged on the statue of Apollo and Ariadne. According to the Greek myth, Apollo fell deeply in love with the nymph. Because they were of different worlds, he was condemned to pursue her always and never to catch her.

ARCHIE:

Well, what's that got to do with the price of eggs?

WOLFE:

Isn't it perfectly obvious? Didn't he tell you that Diana had posed for the Ariadne?

ARCHIE:

Yeah, but I still don't --

WOLFE:

And you yourself remarked that the finished Apollo looked somehow familiar, didn't you?

ARCHIE:

Yeah, I did.

WOLFE:

Don't you know why that was?

(BEAT)

 

ARCHIE:

(REALIZING) You mean that --

WOLFE:

I mean that Michael Lawrence unconsciously revealed the true state of his heart. He didn't intend to, I suppose, but precisely and accurately he chiseled the features of the tortured god in his very own image.

ARCHIE:

Ohh.

WOLFE:

And speaking of torture, Archie.

ARCHIE:

Yeah?

WOLFE:

Will we be home in time for dinner?

ARCHIE:

Oh boss, you can't be that hungry!

WOLFE:

Phooey! I am! Good heavens, Archie, do you realize I haven't eaten since lunch?

MUSIC:

OUTBOUND CUE