SOUND:

LAUGHTER

WILCOX:

The Johnson's Wax Program with Fibber McGee and Molly!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

The makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Water-Repellent Glo-Coat present Fibber McGee and Molly, with Bill Thompson, Gale Gordon, Arthur Q. Bryan, Dick LeGrand, Elvia Allman, and me, Harlow Wilcox. The script is by Don Quinn and Phil Leslie; music by the King's Men and Billy Mills' Orchestra.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

WILCOX:

Fibber and Molly join us in a moment. (BEAT) Recent surveys disclose important news about Johnson's Glo-Coat. They show that families with children are among the biggest users of this self-polishing floor wax that is now positively water-repellant. Now, it's easy to see why, with children in the house, mud and snow are bound to be tracked in, water and food are bound to be splashed or spilled. Well, that's when you thank your lucky stars for Glo-Coat. Just a flick of a cloth whisks mud or moisture off that hard, gleaming surface. Glo-Coat stays on, stays bright, even after repeated damp mopping. And here's something else that's big news: Because it's positively water-repellent, Glo-Coat now lasts up to four times longer. That means more for your money in every drop of Glo-Coat you buy. Less work, too, because you have to do your floor so much less often. So tomorrow get Johnson's Glo-Coat. Whether you have children or not, you need this water-repellent floor polish for longer-lasting beauty and protection. It's in the familiar Glo-Coat package.

MUSIC:

TAG

WILCOX:

There's been a great deal of discussion lately, pro and con, about flying saucers. The pro people swear they've seen them. The con people say the pro people are victims of mass hypnotism. And here is one of the "con men," and his wife -- Fibber McGee and Molly! ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

FIBBER:

(IN MID-RANT) And furthermore! You show me a guy that claims he's seen a flying saucer and I'll show you a guy that the whole thing is just a mere pygmy of his imagination! ...

MOLLY:

You don't mean pygmy, dearie. A pygmy is a tiny little human being.

FIBBER:

Yeah, well, they claim they've seen them, too. ... Men from Mars, twenty-three inches tall, with big heads! The whole thing is ridiculous! It's mass hyst-or-ia!

MOLLY:

Oh, now, I wouldn't dismiss the subject as easily as that, McGee. The paper said this morning that an army pilot chased one for twenty minutes.

FIBBER:

Yeah, but did he catch it? No, sir. Did anybody ever catch one? No, sir. And why not? Because they're an optical derision, that's why. ...

MOLLY:

Look, sweetheart, army pilots aren't usually hysterical people. Transport fliers must have good eyesight or they wouldn't be flying transports.

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES)

MOLLY:

I'm inclined to think that-- Well, where there's so much smoke, it can't always be a false alarm.

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES SKEPTICALLY) Okay, tootsie, okay. You'll see. When they finally catch up with one of them things, you'll see they nobody ever will. ... This stuff is nothin' new. Who was it back in Nineteen-Aught-Twelve that reported seeing a spaceship from Jupiter flying low and slow over the brewery back in Peoria? ... Me, that's who! ...

MOLLY:

You?!

FIBBER:

You betcha. And what did it turn out to be? A baby caterpillar crawlin' across my sunglasses! ... (DISMISSIVE) Flyin' saucers -- t'dahhh.

MOLLY:

All right. I won't argue, lover, but I'm still not convinced.

FIBBER:

Well, I am. My personal opinion is that anybody that claims he's seen a flying saucer ought to go to a good optimist and get his peepers overhauled. ... Well, I gotta go downtown. You want to go with me?

MOLLY:

Yes, it's a nice day for a walk. What are you going to do downtown?

FIBBER:

I gotta look up a good patent lawyer about my new invention.

MOLLY:

Oh, invention?

FIBBER:

(YES) Mmm-hmm.

MOLLY:

You mean the plastic cross-piece for radio aerials so the neighbors will think you have a television set? ...

FIBBER:

No, this is a new type of alarm clock. It's got a sponge rubber bell that you can't hear it when it rings on Sunday mornings. ...

MOLLY:

You ought to make a small fortune with that. Very small.

FIBBER:

(SNORTS)

MOLLY:

I'll get my hat, dearie.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

MOLLY:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

FIBBER:

Well, if it ain't the big pink doctor with the little black bag. Hello, doctor.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MOLLY:

Hello, Dr. Gamble.

DOC:

Hello, McGee. Hello, Molly. Going somewhere?

MOLLY:

Yes, but I always wear my hat in the house anyway. Then if somebody comes to the door that I don't want to talk to, I can say I'm on my way out. And if it's somebody I like, I can say I just came in. ...

FIBBER:

(POINTEDLY, TO DOC) In this case, we're just goin' out! ...

DOC:

All right, I can take a hint. I'm not as thick-skinned as somebody I know that I could reach out and touch if I hadn't just washed my hands. ... Can I drop you anyplace, McGee? Like maybe on the top of your head? ...

MOLLY:

Well, we were just going downtown, doctor, and you can give us a lift if you like. And by the way, you're an educated man, doctor. Er, what is your opinion of these flying saucers?

FIBBER:

Educated man, my clavicle! He's the type o' ignoramus that believes anything!

DOC:

Children, I have been practicing medicine for thirty years.

FIBBER:

(QUIET ASIDE) Practicing is right. ...

DOC:

I believe everything and nobody. If hundreds of reputable citizens claim to see strange things in the sky, I'd be the last one to prescribe "scoff" medicine.

MOLLY:

Now there, McGee. You see? Dr. Gamble is no skeptic.

FIBBER:

Oh, he's open-minded, all right. The wind blows right through it. ... So you believe in this flying saucer mahoola, eh, Childish?

DOC:

I didn't say I believed in them.

FIBBER:

Oh.

DOC:

But I don't deny there might be such things. I've never heard a Republican play "The Missouri Waltz" on a piano either, but that doesn't prove it couldn't happen. ... [APPLAUSE FOR TOPICAL JOKE ABOUT PRESIDENT HARRY TRUMAN]

FIBBER:

(AD LIB) We're on the front burner now.

DOC:

(AD LIB) Yeah, we are. ... (BACK TO SCRIPT) Come on, I'll drive you downtown.

MOLLY:

Thank you, doctor.

FIBBER:

Thank you, doctor. Much obliged. And if I see any spaceships on the way, I'll let you know.

DOC:

Thanks. You ready, Molly?

MOLLY:

Let's go, gentlemen.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS THROUGH DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND CLOSES

FIBBER:

(DISMISSIVE, HALF TO HIMSELF) Flyin' saucers! Flyin' saucers. That's pure mob psychiatry, that's what it is.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES)

FIBBER:

Hyst-or-ia! I'll believe in 'em when I see 'em, and by George, I'll bet it'll be a long time before--

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, WHISTLE OF APPROACHING FLYING SAUCER FADES IN ... THEN IN BG

MOLLY:

(EXCITED) Heavenly days! Look up there! Look, it's a--!

FIBBER:

(THE SAME) Hey, doc! It's coming this way!

SOUND:

WHOOSH! AND CRASH! OF SAUCER INTO THE GROUND ... THEN COMICAL CLANKETY-CLANK! OF FALLING METAL ... THEN HISS! WHICH FADES OUT BEHIND--

FIBBER:

... Hey! My gosh! It's a flying saucer! Look at the tubes and the knobs! Look at it smoke! Right in our own front yard! Yow!

DOC:

Great Scott! If I hadn't believed this with my own eyes, I wouldn't have seen it! ...

MOLLY:

Stay away from it! Stay away from it, boys! It might be dangerous! What do you think, doctor?

DOC:

I don't know. It's a weird-looking object.

FIBBER:

I gotta report this! I'll call Washington! The Hexagon building! You wait here and keep an eye it!

SOUND:

FIBBER'S RUNNING STEPS INTO HOUSE (THROUGH DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS)

FIBBER:

Where's the phone?! Hand me the phone!

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... CRADLE RATTLED

FIBBER:

(INTO PHONE) Hello?! Hello, operator?! Give me long Washington in D.C. distance! ... I mean, connect me with the army! Yeah! Hello, army? This is Fibber McGee in Wistful Vista! A flying saucer just crashed in my front yard! Huh? What'd ya say, army? Rope it off and keep people away from it, eh? Okay, army! Right!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN ... FIBBER'S RUNNING STEPS OUT OF HOUSE (THROUGH DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS)

FIBBER:

Get some rope, doc! Get some rope! We got to rope it off! Keep people away from it! Orders from Washington! I called 'em!

MOLLY:

What'd they say?

FIBBER:

They says it's a lot of silly nonsense and don't talk about it to anybody! They said it was probably just my imagination and they're gonna rush out and take pictures of it! Oh, boy! A flying saucer! Right in our own front yard!

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, POLICE SIRENS APPROACH ... THEN OUT FOR--

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA STARTS ITS NUMBER ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

Billy Mills and the orchestra, and "The Hot Canary"!

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "THE HOT CANARY" BY PAUL NERO ... FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN MURMUR OF CROWD IN THE McGEES' FRONT YARD ... THEN IN BG

FIBBER:

(REGALING THE CROWD) And the first time I seen it, it was comin' in low over the trees with its rockets shootin' out blue flames!

OFFICER:

All right, folks. Keep movin', keep movin'.

FIBBER:

I seen it was in trouble, see? And I says to my wife, "Look," I says, "a flyin' saucer!" "There's no such," she says, "a thing." Then I says, "Don't be," I says, "so skeptical," I says, and she says that--

OFFICER:

(INTERRUPTS) All right, folks. Move it along, keep movin'.

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS UNHAPPILY AND MOVES OFF

OFFICER:

(TO FIBBER) And you, Gabby -- get off them front steps and run along.

MOLLY:

He doesn't have to get off of these steps. He lives here. Don't you, Gabby?

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

I mean McGee. ...

FIBBER:

You betcha. (TO OFFICER) Now, don't start orderin' me around, flatfoot. I'm the fella that he first seen that flyin' saucer. I seen it crash, too. (WITH GUSTO) It was comin' in low over the trees, see? With its rockets shootin' blue flames! I seen it was in trouble because--

OFFICER:

(INTERRUPTS) Yeah, yeah, yeah -- I heard you tell it twelve times already. (MOVING OFF, CALLS) Hey, you kids! Get away from them ropes!

SOUND:

BRIEF CROWD DISTURBANCE, OFF, AS OFFICER DISPERSES SOME KIDS

MOLLY:

My, my! I haven't seen such excitement since the lion got loose at the circus and you chased him back into his cage, McGee.

FIBBER:

I wasn't chasin' him. He grabbed my hamburger and I was tryin' to get it back. ... My gosh, I was-- Hey! Look at the Boy Scout! (IMPRESSED) Oh, handsome kid in that uniform, ain't he? (CALLS) Hey, bud! You want to hear about how I seen that flyin' saucer crash?

SONNY:

Yes, sir, I would.

MOLLY:

That's fine, sonny. I think all you Boy Scouts should know--

SONNY:

Oh, I'm not a Boy Scout, ma'am. I'm a lieutenant colonel in the Air Force. ... [APPLAUSE FOR TOPICAL JOKE] Retired. ...

FIBBER:

A lieutenant colonel?

SONNY:

Oh, yes, sir. I'm not as young as I look. I'm twenty. ... (RAPIDLY) Can you tell me, sir, did this aircraft have a tapered empennage? And did it appear to be a guided missile rather than a conventional pilot-controlled type? Would you say it was dependent on rocket propulsion or some hitherto unknown gravity repellent magnetic field type of turbojet power? ...

FIBBER:

(BEAT, CLUELESSLY) Uh, well, uh--

MOLLY:

(BEAT) Tell him, dearie. ...

FIBBER:

Okay. (GOES INTO HIS SPIEL) Well, sir, bud -- the first time I seen it, it was comin' in low over them trees with its rockets shootin' out blue flames-- Hey, wait a minute! Hey, how do I know you ain't the agent for some foreign power, buster? Are them American decorations you're wearing?

SONNY:

Oh, yes, sir. Most of 'em I got since the war.

FIBBER:

Oh?

SONNY:

Spraying fruit trees. ... This distinguished Fruit Fly award with the six twigs was for twenty combat missions over an apple orchard in Walla Walla. ...

MOLLY:

Heavenly days! And you got back safely from all of them, huh?

SONNY:

Oh, yes, ma'am. My last mission was pretty tough, though. My wingman crashed into a cider mill and came in at twelve o'clock -- high. ... Well, thanks for the information, sir. Good day, ma'am.

MOLLY:

Good day, sonny. I mean, colonel. [APPLAUSE FOR SONNY]

SOUND:

BRIEF CLANGING NOISE, OFF, OF CROWD BANGING ON METAL SAUCER ... CROWD MURMURS QUIETLY IN BG

MOLLY:

Heavenly days! What are they doing now?

FIBBER:

Let's go over and see, but don't get too close, tootsie. That thing might be retroactive.

MOLLY:

(CORRECTS HIM) Radioactive. ... Retroactive means it goes back.

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES) Well, this baby won't go back. It looks like our kitchen stove after I make pancakes: all battered up. ... (CALLS, TO CROWD) Hey, folks, let us through here, please! Let us through! We're the people who seen the crash! Let us through!

1ST WOMAN:

Look, Joe! There's that pot-bellied little moron that's been ordering everybody around. He must think he owns this place.

1ST MAN:

He don't own nothin', the petty-larcenied little twerp! He'll probably want to charge us four bits a head for standin' here.

FIBBER:

(TO ALL) All right, folks! All right now! You're all trespassing on my property, you know! Everybody that wants to stay and watch, it'll cost you two bits a head!

SOUND:

CROWD REACTS UNHAPPILY

MOLLY:

Now - now, take it easy, dearie. You can't charge people-- Oh, hello there, Mr. Wilcox!

FIBBER:

Oh, hi, Junior.

MOLLY:

(TO CROWD) Let the man through, folks! Let him through!

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS UNHAPPILY BUT LETS WILCOX THROUGH

WILCOX:

Thank you, thank you. Hello, Molly. Hello, pal. Hey, hear you've got a flying saucer here. Is that it over there -- that pile of junk metal?

FIBBER:

That's it, Junie. Me and Molly and Doc Gamble seen it crash. (THE BIG SPIEL) I first seen it comin' in low over the trees, see? Flyin' low, with orange and green lights, and five little men stickin' their heads out of the porthole! ... It circled the City Hall and then they all bailed out and the whole bunch--

MOLLY:

(INTERRUPTS) McGee!

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

They did not.

FIBBER:

Well, they must have! There was nobody in it when it hit! ...

WILCOX:

Well, this is very interesting. This is the first real proof we've had of interplanetary travel. Hey! I'm going to ask for a bigger sales territory for Johnson's Wax products!

FIBBER:

Huh?

WILCOX:

Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus! Ahhhh, Venus! That's for me! (CHUCKLES)

MOLLY:

Maybe they don't have any linoleum on Mars, Mr. Wilcox.

WILCOX:

Well, they won't have any mars on their linoleum, either! ... [APPLAUSE FOR THE PUN] They sure won't when I sell them that wonderful Johnson's Water-Repellent Glo-Coat, the finest protection against mars and scratches and spilled things that money can buy.

FIBBER:

Hey-- Hey, wait a minute, Flash Gordon. ...

WILCOX:

(CHUCKLES)

FIBBER:

You seriously think you could take a spaceship up through the Milky Way to sell Glo-Coat?

WILCOX:

The Milky Way is the way a lot of linoleum looks after damp mopping, pal. But the Johnson's Water-Repellent Glo-Coat way leaves no milky-looking streaks, by Jupiter! ...

MOLLY:

That's all very well to sell wax from a spaceship, Mr. Wilcox, but what if you should run into one of those big, er-- One of those, er-- Aw, what do you call a star with a tail?

WILCOX:

Lassie!

MOLLY:

Oh, you! ...

WILCOX:

Ah, but this is a fascinating idea. Just think: flying through space, Johnson's star salesmen carrying the Johnson's Water-Repellent Glo-Coat message through the whole solar system! Showing the housewives on thousands of other planets how simply and easily and economically they can protect their wood and linoleum floors against cosmic dust and tracked-in mud from meteor showers, with the wax protection that stays on and stays bright--

FIBBER:

(INTERRUPTS) Hey-hey-hey-hey-- Waxy?

WILCOX:

Yes, pal?

MOLLY:

Er, Mr. Wilcox, what do you seriously think of these flying saucers?

FIBBER:

Yes?

WILCOX:

Well, if they really develop them, they'll be great for honeymoon trips.

FIBBER:

Yeah?

WILCOX:

There's no place to spoon like a saucer. ... [APPLAUSE FOR WILCOX'S EXIT]

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES) No place to spoon like a saucer. I don't know what we'd ever do without that boy, but it's a sweet thought to play around with. ...

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) Now, McGee, I think he's a very conscientious lad.

FIBBER:

Yeah.

SERGEI:

(APPROACHES, THICK RUSSIAN ACCENT) You are Comrade McGee?

MOLLY:

Yes, we are, sir. I mean, he is. I'm Mrs. McGee, his wife by marriage.

SERGEI:

Da!

FIBBER:

Hi, Mr. Da.

SERGEI:

No, no -- not Da! My name is Sergei Petrovsky. I'm tourist! ...

MOLLY:

Isn't that a Russian name, sir?

SERGEI:

Nyet! Petrovsky's good American name! You give me loyalty oath -- I sign! Then I take plenty pictures flying saucer -- you care? ...

FIBBER:

No, just as long as you ain't a spy, bud. Do you wanna--? Do you want a story to go with it? Well, sir -- I first seen it comin' in low over the trees at an attitude of ten thousand foot, see? ...

MOLLY:

Uh, where did you say you were from, sir?

SERGEI:

Brooklyngrad! ... Now I take pictures! Out of the way, capitalists! Spasiba. (MOVING OFF) I take plenty pictures -- click, click - click, click. ...

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES) Pleasant guy. And them mustaches looked so familiar.

MAYOR:

(APPROACHES) Well, McGee, this is quite an exhibit you have here. As mayor of the town in which a real flying saucer was first seen, I would like to say--

MOLLY:

(INTERRUPTS, DOING FIBBER'S SPIEL) The first time we saw it, Mr. Mayor, it was comin' in low over the trees there--

FIBBER:

(INTERRUPTS) I'll tell it, kiddo. I'll tell it. I've had more practice. ... (WITH GUSTO) It was comin' in over them trees, LaTrivia, flying low and kind of wobbly--

MAYOR:

(INTERRUPTS, WEARILY) Yes, yes, yes, I've heard all about it, McGee. You haven't been exactly reticent about this, you know.

FIBBER:

You bet I haven't! Orders, boy! The army told me not to talk! ... Security reasons! Top secret!

MOLLY:

(MIMICS FIBBER) Big deal! Off the bottom of the deck! ...

MAYOR:

Well, I've always said that if you want to keep flying saucers a secret, there's nothing like sending them across the sky on a clear day to crash in some talkative fellow's front yard with a loud noise.

MOLLY:

Mr. Mayor, what do you think of this thing?

MAYOR:

Well, it's the first one I've seen, Molly. My nephew is an airline pilot. He chased a flying saucer last week for twenty minutes.

FIBBER:

My gosh, did he catch it, LaTriv?

MAYOR:

No, but he would have if he'd been in his airplane. ... As it was, he tripped over a horse and fell flat on-- Oh, just a moment. What's this? What's this?

SOUND:

APPROACH OF SNARE DRUM ... A SHARP MARCHING RHYTHM ... FOOTSTEPS OF MARCHING MEN ... CONTINUES IN BG

FIBBER:

Hey, look! Soldiers! The army's takin' the flying saucer over. Look, Molly!

MOLLY:

Heavenly days! Look at the fancy uniforms. They must all be generals.

FIBBER:

Wow.

SHRINER:

(TO MEN, EXTRAVAGANTLY) Companyyyyyyyyy -- halt!

SOUND:

DRUM AND MEN'S STEPS OUT

SHRINER:

At ease!

SOUND:

MEN AT EASE

SHRINER:

(TO MAYOR) Are you His Honor, the Mayor?

MAYOR:

Yes, I'm My Honor. I mean, I'm His Mayor. ... Darn it, I'm Mayor LaTrivia! ... Is the army taking over here?

SHRINER:

Gee, I don't know, Mr. Mayor. We're the Shriners drill team from Springfield and we got lost! ... [APPLAUSE FOR JOKE] Did, er, you see a parade go past here?

MAYOR:

No. No, the parade is on Fourteenth Street -- three blocks west and turn right.

SHRINER:

Oh, thanks very much. (TO MEN, EXTRAVAGANTLY) Tennnnn-hut! Aboooooout face! Forwarrrrrrd harch! (MOVING OFF) Hut-two-three-four--

SOUND:

DRUM AND MARCHING STEPS MOVE OFF ... [APPLAUSE FOR SHRINERS]

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA STARTS A POP TUNE ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

The King's Men, and "Music! Music! Music!"

THE KING'S MEN:

(SING)
Music, music, play that music! Don't let the music stop!

Put another nickel in,
In the nickelodeon.
All I want is loving you
And music! music! music!

I'd do anything for you,
Anything you'd want me to.
All I want is kissing you
And music! music! music!

Closer, my dear, and closer!
The nicest part of any melody
Is when you're dancing close to me!

So put another nickel in
That pretty nickelodeon.
All I want is loving you
And music! music! music!

Music!

MUSIC:

THE KING'S MEN SING A SECOND, MUCH JAZZIER, CHORUS OF THE SONG COMPLETE WITH HANDCLAPS FOR ACCENTS, THEN SLOW THE TEMPO FOR A GRAND FINALE

SOUND:

APPLAUSE FOR THE KING'S MEN ... THEN YARD CROWD MURMURS ... THEN IN BG

FIBBER:

(TO CROWD) All right, move back there please, folks! Don't touch the flying saucer!

2ND MAN:

(TO 2ND WOMAN) Who's that smart aleck? I don't see no uniform on him.

2ND WOMAN:

Oh, lives here. He's the one who saw it crash. His name is McSpee. Blabber McSpee. ...

2ND MAN:

Yeah?

2ND WOMAN:

(MOVING OFF) And I was talkin' to him--

FIBBER:

Now, stand back, bud! Don't touch the flyin' saucer! Security rules, you know. Now, stand back!

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS UNHAPPILY AND DISPERSES

MOLLY:

Oh, McGee?!

FIBBER:

Hah?

MOLLY:

Here's a lady wants to see you.

FIBBER:

Oh.

MOLLY:

This is my husband, Miss Dendron.

RHODA:

Oh, I'm so happy to know you, Mr. McGee.

FIBBER:

Well, thanks, sis. What'd you say your name was?

RHODA:

Dendron, Mr. McGee. Rhoda Dendron ... of the Wistful Vista Peony and Petunia Club.

FIBBER:

Ohhh.

RHODA:

The girls have asked me to interview you for our club paper, the Petunia Planter.

MOLLY:

Isn't that nice, dearie?

FIBBER:

Ohhhhh, you mean on account of findin' the saucer, eh?

RHODA:

(GIGGLES) Yes.

FIBBER:

The Petunia Planter, eh? Well, you can tell your readers, sis, that I was well-known as a planter myself at one time.

RHODA:

Why, really, Mr. McGee? Let me make some notes. Oh, this will just thrill the girls. What did you plant, Mr. McGee?

MOLLY:

Corn mostly. ...

FIBBER:

No. I had charge at one time of my Aunt Rose's raisin ranch and we raised more real raisins than any raisin ranch has raised in recent years. ...

MOLLY:

Oh, dear.

RHODA:

Raising raisins?

FIBBER:

(YES) Mm-hmm.

RHODA:

Oh, my! Let me write this down, every word of it. Our readers will just love it.

FIBBER:

Well, sis, Aunt Rose's raisin ranch raised such good raisins that we started raisin' raisin prices. And the raisin' prices of Rose's ranch-raised raisins raised holy heck with the other raisin ranchers. I watched the raisin market for recent rises in raisin rates and by the time the rates for real ranch-raised raisins was rose to right, all the raisins we raised was rotted right on Rose's ranch. ... [APPLAUSE FOR TONGUE-TWISTER] So between raisin' raisins and raisin ranchers and raisin' rates in rotten raisins, we ploughed the whole thing up and planted tulips! ... Did you get that, sis? Did you write it down?

RHODA:

Well, I - I broke the point on my pencil.

FIBBER:

Oh. ...

RHODA:

Would you find repeating that? ...

FIBBER:

Excuse me, sis. I got to go speak to a man over here.

MOLLY:

Yes, er, pardon us, Miss Petunia.

FIBBER:

(CALLS) Hey, bud! You in the uniform! With the scrambled eggs on the shoulder and the gravy on your sleeve! You lookin' for me?!

GENERAL:

Are you McGee?

MOLLY:

Yes, he is, sir. I am Mrs. McGee.

GENERAL:

How do you do, Mrs. McGee? I am General Bacon, head of intelligence.

FIBBER:

Well, I'm glad to know you, bacon-head. ... (STARTS HIS SPIEL) Well, sir, we were standing on--

MOLLY:

(INTERRUPTS) No, no, McGee.

FIBBER:

Huh?

MOLLY:

General Bacon it is.

FIBBER:

Oh.

MOLLY:

How do you do, I'm sure, general. If there's anything we can tell you now about--

GENERAL:

(INTERRUPTS) Thank you very much, Mrs. McGee, but I have a complete report from the police and from my men here. We'll take charge now and--

FIBBER:

(INTERRUPTS) I think I'd better fill you in, general-- ... --just in case they missed any details. You'll want a' eyewitness account to take back to Eisenhower anyhow.

MOLLY:

General Eisenhower has retired, McGee.

FIBBER:

Well, wake him up! My gosh, this thing is important! ... Now, for the first time, I seen this flying saucer, general. It was comin' in low at high altitude with its rockets shootin' out blue flame-- Where are you goin', Molly?

MOLLY:

(MOVING OFF) In the house a minute, dearie. I've heard this till I'm sick and tired of it.

FIBBER:

Yeah. Me, too. But anyway, like I say, it was comin' in low over the trees-- Hey! Hey, general?! Gen--? Where'd he go? Oh, well, if nobody wants to hear about the flyin' saucer, I guess I might as well--

SOUND:

SLIGHT DISTURBANCE AS TEENY PUSHES THROUGH CROWD BEHIND--

TEENY:

All right, let me through, please. Let me through. Coming through. I'm a-- I'm a personal friend of the family. Let me through, please. (TO FIBBER) Hi, mister!

FIBBER:

Well, hi, Teeny.

TEENY:

(GIGGLES)

FIBBER:

Better get up here on the porch, sis, before ya get stepped on.

SOUND:

TEENY UP ON PORCH

TEENY:

Thank you, mister. Oh, boy! Policemen and soldiers and-- Gee, what's all the crowd for, mister? Hm? What is it for? Tell me.

FIBBER:

Well, they're here to see me, sis. You see, I have just become the first man to establish contact with another planet. I have just had a visit from Mars.

TEENY:

Mars?

FIBBER:

Yeah.

TEENY:

Mmm, gee. Did he give ya any candy bars, mister, huh? ... I love Mars bars.

FIBBER:

No, no. No, no. No, no, sis. Now, look -- you ever hear of flying saucers, Teeny?

TEENY:

Oh, sure I have, I betcha.

FIBBER:

Yeah?

TEENY:

(GIGGLES) Me and Willie Toops made one this morning, mister.

FIBBER:

(AMUSED) Oh, you did, hey? You and Willie Toops made a flying saucer?

TEENY:

Sure.

FIBBER:

Oh.

TEENY:

We had some big huge skyrockets left from last year and we fastened them onto my mama's old roasting pan and lit 'em, and it sailed over our house and-- Hey! There it is! ...

FIBBER:

What?

TEENY:

That's our flying saucer!

FIBBER:

That--?! What?! ...

TEENY:

(CALLS) Hey, Willie!

FIBBER:

You mean--?

TEENY:

Sure! (CALLS) Willie, here's our flying saucer in the driveway! (TO CROWD) One side, everybody -- that's mine! (MOVING OFF) Hey, Willie, here it is!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

WILCOX:

Fibber and Molly return in a moment. (BEAT) Here's how you can have the brightest floors and linoleum in your neighborhood with the least work. Use Johnson's Glo-Coat, the self-polishing floor wax that is now positively water-repellent. Glo-Coat puts a beautiful shine on your floors without polishing. Makes cleaning easier -- for dirt, dust, and grime whisk right off that tough Glo-Coat surface. Glo-Coat doesn't dissolve at the touch of moisture because it's positively water-repellent. And because it's water-repellent, it lasts up to four times longer. That makes it the most economical self-polishing floor wax you can buy. Tomorrow get the self-polishing floor wax that shines brighter, cleans easier, lasts longer. Get Johnson's Water-Repellent Glo-Coat.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MOLLY:

You know, McGee, I was very surprised that Mayor LaTrivia was fooled by that flying saucer. He was a Chief Gunner's Mate in the Coast Guard, you know.

FIBBER:

Yeah, done a lot of time in submarines, too. He says they used to wile away the time playin' contract while they were submerged.

MOLLY:

My, my -- think of that. Playing cards deep under the ocean.

FIBBER:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, but as LaTrivia says, there's been a lot of bridge under the water since then. ... Get it, kiddo? Bridge under the water? Water under the bridge?

MOLLY:

Tain't funny, McGee. ...

FIBBER:

Oh, well, you can't laugh very loud in a submarine anyway. Uses up too much air. ...

MOLLY:

Good night, all.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN THEME ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

The makers of Johnson's Wax and Johnson's Water-Repellent Glo-Coat in Racine, Wisconsin and Brantford, Canada, bring you Fibber McGee and Molly each week at this time. Be with us again next Tuesday night, won't you?

MUSIC:

FADES OUT

2ND ANNCR:

If you want to give your furniture a shine that really lasts, there's only one polish for you to use. Here's why: Johnson's Cream Wax is a polish that gives your furniture real wax protection and a real wax shine. But recent tests showed that the shine you get from other leading cream furniture polishes comes from oils. Now, a wax shine lasts for weeks and weeks, but an oil shine fades out -- turns foggy and smeary almost overnight. So when you choose a furniture polish, be wise. Protect yourself from "fade out" shine. Get the wax polish that shines for weeks and weeks instead of just a day. Get Johnson's Cream Wax at your dealers. ...