MUSIC:

FANFARE

ANNOUNCER:

Now it's "Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Well, most rivalries between schoolteachers are restricted to working hours, but the one between our Miss Brooks of Madison High School and Daisy Enright extends into their personal lives. In fact, to see these two English teachers engaged in one of their frequent verbal tiffs, a casual observer might think that either one would cheerfully cut the other's throat for a nickel. But this isn't so.

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) No, indeed. I'd give four cents change. ... And after what happened this past week, I might not even take the penny. It all started last Friday morning. I was in my room packing a suitcase for a little weekend trip and my landlady was helping me. (BEAT, TO DAVIS) Mrs. Davis? Mr. Boynton's going to Eagle Springs for the weekend, so I thought it was only logical for me to go to the same place.

DAVIS:

Does he know you're going?

CONNIE:

Nobody knows.

DAVIS:

Why not?

CONNIE:

Security reasons. ... I want to spend these few days with Mr. Boynton alone, and if Daisy Enright finds out our destination, that little dream is done for.

DAVIS:

You mean she'd go up to Eagle Springs, too?

CONNIE:

On her jet broom. ... She's giving me some real competition lately. She has a certain way with men that just seems to make them do whatever she wants them to. Why, even Mr. Conklin's partial to her.

DAVIS:

That's nothing new. I've known for a long time that she's the principal's pet.

CONNIE:

Well, I wish he'd keep her on a leash. ... The minute there's a chance to make a bit of extra money around school, she's the first one to get a crack at it. He even put her in charge of the new switchboard we had installed last week.

DAVIS:

But doesn't that require an experienced telephone operator?

CONNIE:

They're pretty difficult to get right now, so she's filling in temporarily. She takes the board herself during her free period and appoints various other teachers to take over the rest of the time. What burns me up is the way she got the job: by telling Mr. Conklin she worked for the phone company when she was a girl. What a fish story that is.

SOUND:

CAR HONKS, OFF

CONNIE:

Oh, there's Walter Denton to drive me to school. (CALLS) Be right there, Walter!

DAVIS:

Before you go, Connie, tell me: why do you think it's a fish story?

CONNIE:

Because when she was a girl the telephone hadn't been invented. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO ... THEN TIRES SQUEAL AS THE CAR TURNS

CONNIE:

Walter, please! There's no law that says we can't use all four tires going around a corner. Now, slow down little.

WALTER:

A thousand pardons, dear teacher. You know, frankly, I'm barely conscious of the speed with which we are traversing this mundane sphere. ... It is only the corporeal Walter Denton who is restricted to the confines of this vehicle. The spiritual me is floating in the heavenly blue on silver wings.

CONNIE:

Well, bail out, cherub; I'm not ready for harp lessons. ... What's the reason for this pedestrian-destroying ecstasy?

WALTER:

It's Harriet Conklin, Miss Brooks. She's been treating me like an angel lately. Last night when her folks were out visiting, she even cooked dinner for me. (SIGHS EXTRAVAGANTLY) Gosh, it was romantic. ...

CONNIE:

What did you have?

WALTER:

Liver and onions. ...

CONNIE:

Truly the food of love.

WALTER:

To be honest, I was so grateful I barely felt the heartburn. ... But all isn't beer and skittles. As much as Harriet adores me, that's how much her father hates the sight of me.

CONNIE:

Oh, don't tell me you're having trouble with Mr. Conklin again.

WALTER:

Oh, no. No more than usual. No, I wrote an editorial in the Monitor a couple of days ago that Mr. Conklin didn't agree with. You see, in it, I said I was opposed to hiring a permanent substitute for one of our German teachers.

CONNIE:

Which one?

WALTER:

Wolfgang Himmelstoss. ... He's the nice old fellow who's been sick for the past week.

CONNIE:

Oh, I wouldn't know. Wolfgang isn't one of my intimates at school.

WALTER:

Well, the other teachers have been sharing his duties so far, but I heard that Mr. Conklin's looking for a younger teacher to take over his class. That means when Mr. Himmelstoss gets better he won't have a job.

CONNIE:

Well, it's nice of you to be so loyal to an old teacher, Walter.

WALTER:

I feel the same way about you, Miss Brooks, and I'd go to bat for you, too. That's why you've got to go to bat for Mr. Himmelstoss.

CONNIE:

Me?

WALTER:

Certainly. Now, how would you like it if you were a worn-out, old, lonely, broken-down bachelor?

CONNIE:

I'm getting used to it. ... I mean, how can I help Mr. Himmelstoss?

WALTER:

Well, by mentioning to Mr. Conklin that you don't think he should replace him. (RAPIDLY) Will you, Miss Brooks? Will you do that for me and for all the kids who've grown so fond of Mr. Himmelstoss? Will ya, Miss Brooks? Huh? Will ya, huh?

CONNIE:

Well--

WALTER:

(INTERRUPTS) Boy, that's a relief! ... (RAPIDLY) Well, now that you've promised, my mind's at ease. That's one thing about you, boy! Once you make a promise, a guy doesn't have to worry about a thing. He can rest assured that you'll keep your word or die in the attempt, yes, sir!

CONNIE:

Huh? ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS APPROACH

CONNIE:

Good morning, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Oh, good morning, Miss Brooks. I have a message for you.

CONNIE:

I know. Your father wants to see me in his office immediately.

HARRIET:

No. Miss Enright wants to see you in the faculty room -- this one on your left.

CONNIE:

Well, if it isn't the mumps, it's the measles. ... Well, I might as well find out what's on her frightening little mind. I'll see you in class, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Bye-bye, Miss Brooks.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS TO FACULTY ROOM, IN BG

CONNIE:

Toodles!

SOUND:

FACULTY ROOM DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS ... CONNIE'S STEPS IN

CONNIE:

Er, Miss Enright?

ENRIGHT:

(OBVIOUSLY FEIGNING SWEETNESS) Oh, come in, darling! My! You're looking lovely this morning. ... I'm mad about that dress you're wearing. It does so much to bring out your natural lines.

CONNIE:

Really?

ENRIGHT:

Yes. Especially the ones around your eyes. ... Well, but then there's no time for chitchat. Miss Brooks, we've got to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart talk.

CONNIE:

All right. Borrow a heart and let's get started. ...

ENRIGHT:

I'll ignore that remark because there's too much at stake to bicker. Now, we're both aware of the fact that we're interested in the same man, and each one of us has been keeping extremely close tabs on him. For instance, I heard that he's going to spend the weekend at Eagle Springs.

CONNIE:

(FEIGNS SURPRISE) Eagle Springs?

ENRIGHT:

(YES) Mm hm.

CONNIE:

Well, now who could have started such a ridiculous rumor? (CHUCKLES)

ENRIGHT:

Mr. Boynton told me himself.

CONNIE:

He's the logical one to start it, all right. ...

ENRIGHT:

I also have a hunch that we were both going to surprise him by showing up at the same place.

CONNIE:

Why, Miss Enright, wherever did you get such a fantastic notion?

ENRIGHT:

I've got my train ticket and a bag in my locker. Where are yours?

CONNIE:

I'm picking them up after school. Er, I mean-- ... Well, suppose we did have the same idea?

ENRIGHT:

Oh, don't you see, Miss Brooks, with such an elusive quarry, we've got to be more cagey. I'm sure that Mr. Boynton sees some good points in both of us, but the way we've been going about things, we're only hurting each other's chances.

CONNIE:

Miss Enright, you may have something there.

ENRIGHT:

(PLEASED) Yes.

CONNIE:

What do you suggest?

ENRIGHT:

That one of us step out of the picture completely for a specified amount of time and leave the other a clear field.

CONNIE:

How much time, for instance?

ENRIGHT:

Well, uh, how 'bout a couple of months?

CONNIE:

Fine! See you in January, Miss Enright. ...

ENRIGHT:

Not so fast. We'll decide who's going to remove herself first in a sportsmanlike manner -- say, by dealing a hand of cards.

CONNIE:

A hand of cards?

ENRIGHT:

Yes. You know, some of us play bridge during lunch hour and I just happen to have a deck in my handbag. (CHUCKLES) Do you have the nerve to go through with it?

CONNIE:

Nerve? Sit down and deal, Miss Enright. What kind of a game shall we play?

ENRIGHT:

Well, do you know poker?

CONNIE:

I've heard of it.

ENRIGHT:

Fine. Then I'll deal one hand of draw poker and the loser agrees to stay away from Mr. Boynton for a period of two months commencing at once. Right?

CONNIE:

Right.

ENRIGHT:

Fine.

SOUND:

CARDS SHUFFLED

ENRIGHT:

All right. Here we are. Now, do you care to cut the deck?

CONNIE:

Run 'em. ...

SOUND:

CARDS DEALT BEHIND--

ENRIGHT:

(AS SHE DEALS) One, two, three, four, five. There. (SIGHS) Now, how many cards do you want, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Let's see. I'll take four. How about you?

ENRIGHT:

(CAGEY) I'll play these. ... What have you got, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

A pair of tens.

ENRIGHT:

Oh! No good, I've got four aces! ...

CONNIE:

Four aces? Well, that's that.

ENRIGHT:

Oh, I'm glad you're taking it like a good sport, Miss Brooks. May I walk to your class with you?

CONNIE:

Sure, if you don't mind climbing four flights.

ENRIGHT:

Four flights? But your classroom's on the first floor.

CONNIE:

I know. But who ever heard of jumping from a first-floor window? ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) I determined to live up to my bargain with Miss Enright and sever all relations with the bashful biologist. As I approached our usual table in the cafeteria at lunchtime, I resolved to get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible. (BEAT, TO BOYNTON) Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

Yes?

CONNIE:

Goodbye.

BOYNTON:

Goodbye? ... You're going somewhere, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Yes, out of your life. Goodbye.

BOYNTON:

Well, now - now, just a moment. What on earth are you talking about?

CONNIE:

It's just that I got to thinking about our relationship, Mr. Boynton, and I've come to the conclusion that it's best for both of us if we don't see each other for a while.

BOYNTON:

But why, Miss Brooks? How did you come to that conclusion? I know! I did something.

CONNIE:

When? Oh. ... Oh, no, Mr. Boynton, it's nothing you've done. It's not going to be easy, of course. We've had some memorable times together: those exciting nights when we strolled through the zoo (CHUCKLES); those long walks past the aquarium; and those evenings under the stars -- just you and me in the planetarium. (CHUCKLES) ... But now that I've made my decision, all that seems aces ago. (CORRECTS HERSELF) Ages ago. ...

BOYNTON:

Look, Miss Brooks, I think we should talk this over. I haven't picked up my train ticket to Eagle Springs yet. I was going to phone in my reservation after school, but I don't have to go up there this weekend.

CONNIE:

Oh, yes, you do, Mr. Boynton. If I'm going to be a good sport, you've got to go. This is goodbye. Please don't make it any harder.

BOYNTON:

(UNHAPPY) If that's the way you really feel about it, I don't suppose--

CONNIE:

That's the way I feel. Just give me one long, lingering kiss and I'll go. (CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) ...

BOYNTON:

Seriously?

CONNIE:

Okay, what's your next best offer? ... I just thought that since we've always been such good friends, we should part as good friends do.

BOYNTON:

Hmm. Well, I guess I could kiss you goodbye if you want to.

CONNIE:

(HUNGRY, BUT WITH FORCED LIGHTNESS) I want, I want. ... Well, I'm all puckered, Mr. Boynton. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Eyes closed and puckered.

CONKLIN:

Cooling soup, Miss Brooks? ...

CONNIE:

Mr. Conklin!

CONKLIN:

It is indeed. ...

BOYNTON:

(NERVOUSLY) If you'll excuse me, sir, I've got to get some sherbet. I said I'd pick it up before it got cold. (MOVING OFF) See you later, Miss Brooks!

CONNIE:

(WEAKLY, TO CONKLIN) He's a little nervous today.

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, what was the meaning of that hideous osculatory display I was about to witness?

CONNIE:

I was just saying goodbye to Mr. Boynton, sir. He's going away and I--

CONKLIN:

Goodbye? You looked like a sea lion about to play "Yankee Doodle" on a calliope. ... The idea of kissing in a public school cafeteria! Is that what the Board of Education pays you for, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

If it is, they haven't been getting their money's worth. ...

CONKLIN:

Don't be insolent. To think that in one English department I should have two such extremes in teachers as Miss Enright and you. The one alert, calm, efficient; the other an emotional mooning lovesick cocker spaniel. ...

CONNIE:

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's just the way her ears flop down that make Miss Enright look like that. ...

CONKLIN:

You know whom I meant, Miss Brooks. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without Miss Enright. In addition to her duties as an English teacher, she has recently taken over the operation of our new switchboard.

CONNIE:

Yes, I know, sir. She's very clever.

CONKLIN:

Plus which, just a few moments ago, she solved another problem for me. She has suggested a teacher to take Mr. Himmelstoss's place.

CONNIE:

(FLUSTERED) But Mr. Himmelstoss is perfectly capable of taking his own place. I mean, when he gets better, he'll be completely well. That is, everybody's so attached to him, Mr. Conklin, and he's quite old--

CONKLIN:

That's just it. Miss Schmertzenfelder is young.

CONNIE:

Well, I don't care how young-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Miss Schmertzenfelder? ...

CONKLIN:

I'm phoning her this afternoon to make an appointment. Miss Enright speaks very highly of her. Now, stand aside, please. Your sentimental pleading cannot stay me from my rendezvous with some meatballs. (MOVING OFF) And watch that fraternization, Miss Glad-Eye. ...

CONNIE:

Yes, sir. (TO HERSELF) "Glad-Eye." I'll bet that Miss Schmertzenfelder walks with a goose step. ... It's just not fair that--

WALTER:

(INTERRUPTS) Do you mind if I join you, Miss Brooks? I've been talkin' to myself, too, lately.

CONNIE:

Sit down, Walter. What's your trouble?

WALTER:

Old marblehead-- Er, Mr. Conklin's had me on cleanup detail during my free period. Yeah, and it's usually pretty dull work, but I just found something quite interesting in a trash basket in the faculty room.

CONNIE:

What is it?

WALTER:

Well, this deck of cards. See?

CONNIE:

Why, those are the cards Miss Enright and I used this morning.

WALTER:

What? But-- You played her with these? But this is a trick deck, Miss Brooks. She could clobber you with these.

CONNIE:

She did clobber me. ... What do you mean by trick deck?

WALTER:

It's stacked. Did she beat you for much, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Just about two months of my life. But, Walter, I think I've got an idea. Excuse me, please.

WALTER:

Where are you goin', Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

I'm going to see a floppy-eared spaniel about a man. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ENRIGHT:

Well, you are being a good sport, Miss Brooks. This being my free period, I was about to take over the switchboard myself.

CONNIE:

Oh, think nothing of it, Miss Enright. I'll be happy to take over for you. I know how rushed you must be, particularly if you want to make that four-thirty train.

ENRIGHT:

Oh, yes, it's the only one up to Eagle Springs today. But you're sure you know how to handle a switchboard, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Miss Enright, I worked on the board of a summer resort for an entire summer when I was in my teens.

ENRIGHT:

And you learned everything?

CONNIE:

On a resort switchboard? That was the summer I grew up. ...

ENRIGHT:

Well, I guess there's no sense in looking a gift horse in the mouth. (LIGHTLY) Uh, figuratively speaking, of course.

CONNIE:

Oh, that's all right. Slip me the earphones and call me Native Dancer. ...

ENRIGHT:

Well, very well, I'm off to the country. Remember now, I have quite a reputation for efficiency with Mr. Conklin.

CONNIE:

Don't you worry about that, Miss Enright. I'll take care of your duties and your reputation -- but good. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

CONNIE:

(TO HERSELF) This switchboard is a pretty complicated gadget. Thank goodness there haven't been any calls.

SOUND:

BUZZ!

CONNIE:

(TO HERSELF) Oh-oh, there goes one of the lights now. Oh, it's pretty. I guess I plug this cord in under it.

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN ... WALTER'S VOICE ON FILTER

CONNIE:

(CHEERFUL) Madison High School.

WALTER:

Would you connect me with Harriet Conklin, please? She's in the home economics class.

CONNIE:

I'd love to, Walter.

WALTER:

(SURPRISED) Miss Brooks! What are you doin' there? Isn't Miss Enright at the switchboard?

CONNIE:

Not unless she sneaked in under me. Now, you wanted the home economics class. I wonder which hole I plug in for that.

WALTER:

Don't you know?

CONNIE:

Well, they all look alike to me.

SOUND:

BUZZ!

CONNIE:

Oh, there's another call. Hold it, Walter. I'll have to get back to you.

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN ... MRS. DAVIS'S VOICE ON FILTER

CONNIE:

(CHEERFUL) Madison High School.

DAVIS:

Hello. Will you connect me with Miss Brooks, please?

CONNIE:

Oh, hello, Mrs. Davis. This is Miss Brooks.

DAVIS:

My, I got through to you fast! ... Whoever's on that switchboard must really know her business. ...

CONNIE:

I'm on the switchboard. What can I do for you?

DAVIS:

I just wanted to know whether or not I should--

SOUND:

BUZZ!

CONNIE:

Oh, excuse me a minute, Mrs. Davis. There's another call coming in. Hang on.

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN ... BOYNTON'S VOICE ON FILTER

CONNIE:

(CHEERFUL) Good afternoon. Madison High School.

BOYNTON:

Oh, good afternoon. Would you put me through to the railroad station, please? This is Mr. Boynton.

CONNIE:

Er, the railroad station, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

Yes. (SURPRISED) Is this Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

That's right.

BOYNTON:

Well, isn't Miss Enright there?

CONNIE:

Maybe I'd better stand up and look. ... No, sir. I'm in charge of the board now. I'll connect you with the station in one moment. (LOW, TO HERSELF) As soon as I can disguise my voice.

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN

BOYNTON:

Oh, hello? Hello, is this the railroad station?

CONNIE:

(POORLY DISGUISED AS A MAN) It sure is, doc. What can I do for you?

BOYNTON:

I'd like to reserve a ticket to Eagle Springs today.

CONNIE:

Er, Eagle Springs? Aren't any trains running to Eagle Springs today; it's snowed-in. Goodbye.

SOUND:

PULLS THE CORD

CONNIE:

... (NORMAL VOICE, TO HERSELF) Now to get back to Mrs. Davis.

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN

CONNIE:

Hello, Mrs. Davis?

WALTER:

No, this is Walter. Could I speak to Harriet, please?

CONNIE:

Any day now, Walter. Hold it. ...

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN

CONNIE:

Hello, Mrs. Davis?

DAVIS:

Yes, dear. What I wanted to ask you--

SOUND:

BUZZ!

CONNIE:

Oh, just a moment, Mrs. Davis. There goes another light.

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN

CONNIE:

Hello?

BOYNTON:

Hello, Miss Brooks? This is Mr. Boynton. I didn't get that railroad ticket yet. Some nitwit at the station said Eagle Springs was snowed in. Uh, would you try the weather bureau for me?

SOUND:

BUZZ!

CONNIE:

Oh, all right, Mr. Boynton, but you'll have to wait a moment.

SOUND:

CORD

HARRIET:

Hello, would you connect me with Walter Denton in shop class, please? This is Harriet Conklin.

CONNIE:

Oh, hello, Harriet. This is Miss Brooks. Walter's been trying to get you.

HARRIET:

Well, where is he?

CONNIE:

At least somewhere on this board. ... I'll try to plug you in.

SOUND:

BUZZ!

CONNIE:

(TO HERSELF) Zowie! Five lights in a row. This board's beginning to look like a pinball machine. ...

SOUND:

CORD PLUGGED IN ... CONKLIN'S VOICE ON FILTER

CONNIE:

Hello?

CONKLIN:

Hello. Osgood Conklin speaking.

CONNIE:

(TO HERSELF) Tilt! ... (TO CONKLIN) How are you, Mr. Conklin? This is Miss Brooks.

CONKLIN:

On the switchboard? Has Miss Enright taken leave of her senses?!

CONNIE:

No, sir, just of Madison. She's gone away for the weekend and I'm pitching in.

CONKLIN:

Oh. Oh, well, I'm calling Miss Schmertzenfelder. Her number is Main Eight-Four-Nine-Three.

CONNIE:

Yes, sir, right away. (LOW, TO HERSELF) Now let's see. Which hole do I plug for an outside line? I'll try this one.

SOUND:

PLUG

CONNIE:

Hello?

WALTER:

Hello, Miss Brooks. Could I speak to Harriet, please? ...

CONNIE:

Oh, didn't you get her, Walter?

DAVIS:

No, he didn't get her, but we've been having a delightful conversation.

CONNIE:

Who's we?

BOYNTON:

Walter, Mrs. Davis, and me, Miss Brooks. ...

CONNIE:

Mr. Boynton, too? I must have put you all on the wrong line.

SOUND:

PLUG

CONNIE:

Ah, here we are.

CONKLIN:

Confound it, Miss Brooks, where's my number?

CONNIE:

Well, Mr. Conklin! Fancy meeting you again. ... I'll get Miss Schmertzenfelder for you right now, sir.

SOUND:

PLUG

CONNIE:

(LOW, TO HERSELF) If I can do a decent German accent. (UP) Oh, here's Miss Schmertzenfelder now, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Er, hello, Miss Schmertzenfelder?

CONNIE:

(TERRIBLE GERMAN ACCENT) Yah, this is Miss Schmertzenfelder. ... Who ist das?

CONKLIN:

Das ist Mister-- ... I mean, this is Mr. Conklin, principal of Madison High School.

CONNIE:

Ach! Herr Conklin! Yah, yah.

CONKLIN:

Yes. Well, I'm calling about that teaching position that's open in Madison's German department. Miss Enright recommended you in the highest possible terms.

CONNIE:

Oh, danke schön. Yah, I'm the best German teacher in the whole entire ganze Welt. ... That's the whole world to you. ... Daisy and I taught together in two or three high schools, you know.

CONKLIN:

Two or three high schools?

CONNIE:

Yah. The first principal was crazy about the way I taught. That wasn't the reason I was fired. ...

CONKLIN:

Fired?

CONNIE:

I vould shtill be there if he hadn't found the schnapps in the coat room. ...

CONKLIN:

(SCANDALIZED) You mean you'd been - drinking?

CONNIE:

Just a pitzel between classes. ... But I give that all up, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Oh, but what about your last position?

CONNIE:

Oh, I wasn't canned on account of my teaching.

CONKLIN:

Then why did the principal let you go?

CONNIE:

The zilliest reason! ... Oh, the zilliest reason. How vas I to know he didn't like crap games in the elevator?! ...

CONKLIN:

This is incredible. Miss Enright spoke of you so highly.

CONNIE:

Yah, it's too bad she couldn't say the same about you. ...

CONKLIN:

What?

CONNIE:

What a temper she said you got. She said du bist verrückt. ... That's "nuts" to you. ...

CONKLIN:

(OFFENDED BUT COMPOSED) Miss Enright said that? Why, there isn't a word of truth in it. I'm essentially a very mild-mannered man. Anyone who knows me could vouch for that.

DAVIS:

Of course they could, Osgood. ...

CONKLIN:

What's that? Is there someone else on this line?

CONNIE:

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Conklin. I must have put Mrs. Davis on by mistake.

CONKLIN:

(EXPLODES) Oh, gad! Of all the stupid, idiotic teachers--!

CONNIE:

(GERMAN AGAIN) Was ist das? ...

CONKLIN:

(EMBARRASSED) Oooh! No, not you, Miss Schmertzenfelder.

CONNIE:

Miss Enright was right! Du bist verrückt! ... Auf wiedersehen, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

No, no, no, no, Miss Schmertzenfelder! I - I'm talking about the other teacher on this line.

BOYNTON:

Well, I hardly think that's any way to talk about me, Mr. Conklin. ...

CONKLIN:

Boynton! What are you doing on this line?!

CONNIE:

(NORMAL VOICE) Er, he's waiting to speak to Harriet. Oh, no, that was Mrs. Davis.

CONKLIN:

What?!

WALTER:

(EXASPERATED) Could I speak to Harriet, please, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

I knew there was someone waiting to speak to her.

HARRIET:

Here I am, Walter dear!

CONNIE:

Well, what do you know? They finally got together. ...

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, I don't know who is more to blame for this fiasco -- you or Miss Enright. I'll deal with her when I see her. But how do you propose to straighten out the tangle you've gotten this switchboard into?!

CONNIE:

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Conklin. I've got one more line that's still free and I know just what I'm going to do with it.

CONKLIN:

What?

CONNIE:

Hang myself, what else? ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ...