KATHY:

Mother? Why did Daddy switch to Postum?

MARGARET:

Your father says there's no caffeine in Postum, nothing to spoil your sleep -- and your father knows best!

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDOS INTO THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's FATHER KNOWS BEST, transcribed in Hollywood, starring Robert Young as Father -- a half-hour visit with your neighbors the Andersons, brought to you by Instant Postum, the good-tasting drink that's entirely caffeine-free; and by Post's Forty Percent Bran Flakes, America's largest-selling bran flakes.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Every dog, according to Jonathan Swift, must have his day, but not many dogs get to have their day with the Andersons in the white-frame house on Maple Street. However, a certain French poodle is about to come into the lives of the Andersons. Like this--

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

BETTY:

(ENTERS, EXCITED) Mother! I got it, Mother!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MARGARET:

Got what, Betty?

SOUND:

WHIMPER AND PANTING OF DOG, INTERMITTENTLY IN BG--

BETTY:

Look, Father, isn't it cute?

JIM:

Yes, it's cute. But what is it?

BETTY:

It's a dog.

JIM:

That's a dog?

BETTY:

It's a toy French poodle and it's--

KATHY:

(INTERRUPTS, HAPPY) Oh, boy! We got a dog!

BETTY:

(MILDLY ANNOYED) Get away, infant. Don't start mauling him.

KATHY:

I'm not going to maul him. I just want to pet him.

BETTY:

Well, don't even touch him. He belongs to Mr. Fawcett and he's worth over three hundred dollars.

KATHY:

I just want to put my hand on him. I'm not going to break him!

JIM:

I don't know. From the look of him, he might break at that. ...

BETTY:

Get away, Kathy.

KATHY:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, for Pete's sake. Why couldn't we get some little old fifty-cent dog? ...

BETTY:

He's not ours.

MARGARET:

Betty, you know who always winds up taking care of the pets you children bring home.

BETTY:

(PATIENTLY) Mother, please. May I tell you why this dog is here?

JIM:

Yes, I'd like an explanation, too. And an introduction. This is the first opportunity I've had to meet a three-hundred-dollar dog.

BETTY:

Well, his name is--

JIM:

(INTERRUPTS, DRY) I don't suppose I'm properly dressed for the occasion. Maybe I should go upstairs and change.

BETTY:

Oh, Father, don't be so utterly cornball! ...

JIM:

Well, I don't want to commit any breaches of etiquette in front of our guest. What did you say his name was?

BETTY:

Pierre.

JIM:

Oh. (BEAT, TO DOG) Bonsoir, Pierre. ...

SOUND:

DOG WHIMPERS AND PANTS IN RESPONSE

MARGARET:

He doesn't think much of your accent.

JIM:

Well, now that the formalities are over, to what do we owe the presence of this imitation hound?

BETTY:

He's not imitation. He belongs to my typing and shorthand teacher Mr. Fawcett. And Mr. Fawcett is in Chicago attending a teachers' convention.

KATHY:

You mean we don't get to keep him?

BETTY:

Noooo.

JIM:

How can a typing teacher afford a three-hundred-dollar dog? I know I couldn't.

BETTY:

He was given to Mr. Fawcett by a dear friend and Mr. Fawcett prizes Pierre very highly.

KATHY:

How long do we get to have him?

BETTY:

Just till tomorrow morning.

KATHY:

Aw, heck!

BETTY:

Mr. Fawcett gets back tomorrow.

JIM:

Sounds like a short convention.

BETTY:

Oh, well, he's been gone all week. You see, some of us girls in his class have been taking care of Pierre.

JIM:

I see. Pierre's making quite a week of it. ...

BETTY:

Well, we figured it would sort of put us in solid with Mr. Fawcett.

JIM:

Ohhhh! So this is a slightly "political" move, huh?

BETTY:

(WITH PRIDE) Yes! And listen to this, Father. There were four of us and Mr. Fawcett was gonna be gone seven days. So, in dividing up the days, one of us could only have Pierre one day. And I'll bet you think I was dumb to say I'd be the one.

JIM:

No, I'd say you showed great foresight there.

BETTY:

Well, I did. I'm the one who gets to return Pierre to Mr. Fawcett. And he'll thank me, and sort of remember me as the one who took care of his dog, which he prizes more than life itself.

JIM:

Now, if you'd just put that much thought into your schoolwork, you wouldn't have to resort to such maneuvers. ...

SOUND:

WHIMPER AND PANTING OF DOG, INTERMITTENTLY IN BG--

KATHY:

Let me take him out to the kitchen and feed him some bones and stuff. He looks skinny.

BETTY:

He's supposed to look that way, and don't feed him. Pierre is on a strict diet.

KATHY:

Where's the dog going to sleep tonight? Can he sleep on the foot of my bed?!

JIM:

He'll probably want the guest room. ...

BETTY:

(EXASPERATED) Oh, Father.

JIM:

It's too bad we don't have one.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... THEN SHUTS BEHIND--

BUD:

(ENTERS) Hey, Mom!

KATHY:

(TO BETTY) Let me feed him, please!

BETTY:

No. I'm going to do it. Mr. Fawcett would simply die if anything happened to Pierre.

BUD:

Say, Mom--?

BETTY:

And so would I.

BUD:

Hey, Mom, guess what I got!

MARGARET:

I hope it's not a dog.

BUD:

No, it's a carrier pigeon.

MARGARET:

What?! ...

JIM:

What are we running here, a pet shop?

BUD:

I got it from-- (SEES DOG) Hey, what's this thing?

SOUND:

DOG BARKS, WHIMPERS, PANTS

BETTY:

(COOLLY) This happens to be a dog. D-O-G, dog. Ever hear of one?

BUD:

Holy cow. What happened to him? ...

BETTY:

Oh, keep quiet.

BUD:

Looks like somebody ran over him with a lawn mower. ...

BETTY:

He's just been clipped. I'm keeping him for Mr. Fawcett.

BUD:

Has he got a name?

BETTY:

It's Pierre.

BUD:

Pierre?! Yipe!

BETTY:

(GIVES UP) All right. (MOVING OFF) Come on, Pierre. We don't have to associate with such utter plebeians.

SOUND:

WHIMPERING DOG MOVES OFF WITH BETTY

BUD:

(INSULTED) What did she call me?

MARGARET:

(CHUCKLES) It's nothing to worry about, Bud. Just leave her alone.

KATHY:

Where's your pigeon, Bud? Can I see him?

BUD:

No, you stay away from it. You're liable to let it get loose.

KATHY:

Aw, heck, I can't touch anything around here.

JIM:

Bud, just what do you plan to do with a carrier pigeon?

BUD:

I got it from Ory Pew. ...

JIM:

Well, that ought to explain something. ... But who's Ory Pew?

BUD:

He's a guy. ...

JIM:

Oh, I see.

KATHY:

Will he really carry messages?

BUD:

Well, sure he will. We've been trying him out this evening.

KATHY:

Oh, boy! Can I send a message to Patty Davis?

BUD:

No.

KATHY:

Why not?

BUD:

The only place he'll carry a message is back over to Ory's house. (BEAT) But I can't think of any messages I want to send to Ory. ...

JIM:

I can see how that would foul up your communication system. ...

BUD:

The main reason I got the pigeon is so I could print up some messages with that printing set of mine. (BEAT) But that's not working out so good, either.

JIM:

What seems to be the drawback there?

BUD:

Well, to get the pigeon, I had to trade the printing set to Ory. ...

JIM:

Well, that was good clear thinking. ...

BUD:

I think I'll tell him I want to trade back. Hey, there's a message I could send him!

KATHY:

Are you going to send it right now?

BUD:

Yup.

KATHY:

Can I watch?

BUD:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, but don't give me any trouble.

KATHY:

(MOVING OFF) Oh, I won't, honest!

MARGARET:

(SIGHS) You wonder what in the world they'll come up with next.

JIM:

(CHUCKLES) Well, at least that one-way carrier pigeon was acquired legally. But I'm a little surprised that Betty would stoop to taking care of a silly dog just to "red apple" a teacher.

MARGARET:

Now don't start worrying about it, dear.

JIM:

I'm not worrying. I just said I was surprised. Doesn't it seem a little underhanded to you?

MARGARET:

Well, it all depends on how you look at it.

JIM:

No matter how you look at it, she's trying to butter up this Mr. Fosdick.

MARGARET:

Fawcett.

JIM:

Fawcett. ... All right, whatever his name is. Scheming to be the last one to keep the dog so she can return him. What an operation!

MARGARET:

Now don't start building this up in your mind, dear.

JIM:

Who's building anything up?

SOUND:

WHIMPER OF APPROACHING DOG ... THEN IN BG, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

MARGARET:

Here, Pierre. Hello, baby.

JIM:

What a dog. Looks like a marshmallow sundae. ... With fur. ...

BETTY:

(OFF) Here, Pierre! Come here, Pierre!

MARGARET:

Here, doggie. Come on, little fella. (BEAT) Well! How do you like that? He passed me up. He's going right to you, dear.

JIM:

Well, hello, there, poochy. ... You're not so dumb after all, are ya? ...

BETTY:

(OFF) Here, Pierre! (WHISTLES FOR DOG)

MARGARET:

(CALLS) He's in here, Betty.

SOUND:

DOG WHIMPERS, IN CLOSE

JIM:

(TO DOG) Oh, you wanna come up in my lap, huh? Okay, up ya go.

BETTY:

(OFF) What's he doing?

MARGARET:

(CALLS) He's talking to your father. ...

JIM:

(TO DOG) Sure, you're a fine little fella. (TO MARGARET) You know, these dogs have intelligent faces, at that. There's something very honest about a dog.

BETTY:

(ENTERS, WORRIED) Where is he? Oh. Well, be careful of him, Father. If anything happened to Pierre, it would be the end of my college career -- simply the end!

JIM:

You've made that point very clear, princess.

SOUND:

DOG MAKES A WARM, SYMPATHETIC WHIMPER

JIM:

Hey, I believe he likes me. I wonder if it's true that dogs have an instinct for judging character.

BETTY:

Oh, let me have him, Father. It's time for his dinner. (MOVING OFF, TO DOG) Come on, snooky-poo.

SOUND:

WHIMPERING DOG MOVES OFF WITH BETTY

JIM:

Snooky-poo? ... You know something, Margaret?

MARGARET:

What, dear?

JIM:

It'd serve Betty right if something did happen to Pierre.

MARGARET:

What?!

JIM:

Oh, nothing permanent or painful, but, er--

BETTY:

(OFF) Mother, where did you put that box of special dog food I brought home?

MARGARET:

(CALLS) Down in the cupboard, beside the sink.

JIM:

(CALLS) Uh, where are ya going to feed him, princess?

BETTY:

(OFF) Out on the back porch.

JIM:

(CALLS) Better be sure he can't push the back door open.

BETTY:

(OFF) Oh, he can't.

MARGARET:

(CONCERNED) Dear, what are you--?

JIM:

Never mind, honey. I was just thinking that, er--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

KATHY:

(ENTERS) I didn't let him out, Bud.

BUD:

I didn't say ya did.

KATHY:

Where do you think the pigeon's gone?

BUD:

I know where he's gone; he's gone back to Ory's. I gotta call him right away.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, PHONE RECEIVER UP, PHONE DIALED

JIM:

What's the matter? Pigeon problems?

KATHY:

Yeah. He's gone.

BUD:

(INTO PHONE) Hello, Ory? This is Bud. Say, will you look outside and see if Verne's over there? -- Yeah.

JIM:

Who's Verne?

KATHY:

That's Bud's carrier pigeon.

JIM:

Fine name for a pigeon.

BUD:

Ory named him after his uncle. ...

JIM:

The pigeon's uncle?

BUD:

No, Ory's. ... The one that used to be a Western Union messenger boy. ...

JIM:

Well, I can see the connection there.

BETTY:

(ENTERS) Oh, Mother, you ought to go out and watch Pierre eat. He actually has manners.

MARGARET:

I'll take your word for it, dear.

JIM:

Eating with a fork, is he? ...

BETTY:

(MOVING OFF) I have to find something to make a bed for Pierre.

JIM:

(CALLS) Betty, you're sure he can't push that back door open?

BETTY:

(OFF) There's a spring on it. He can't push it open.

MARGARET:

Jim, why do you keep talking about the back door?

JIM:

Oh, nothing.

KATHY:

What happened to Ory, Bud? He lost, too?

BUD:

He's coming. (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Ory? -- Oh, he is, huh? Well, bring him back over here because I want to send you a message. ... Well, if I tell ya what the message is, then I won't have anything to send with the pigeon when you bring him over. ...

JIM:

This thing gets more complicated all the time.

BUD:

(INTO PHONE) Well, okay, then. Here's the message. I want to trade the pigeon back to you for my printing set. -- You will? -- Okay. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

KATHY:

What did you tell him the message for?

BUD:

He's gonna print it up on the printing set and bring it over when he brings the pigeon. ... Then I'll send it back to him.

KATHY:

Did he say he'd trade back?

BUD:

How could he tell that? He hasn't got the message yet. ...

MARGARET:

Well, now I've heard everything.

JIM:

If the pigeon ever finds out what's going on, he'll go south for the winter. ... Excuse me, I think I'll wander out and see if Pierre is ready for his crêpe suzette.

BETTY:

(OFF) Mother?! Where's that old green blanket we used to have?!

MARGARET:

(CALLS) Didn't you take it up to the lake last summer?

BUD:

I think I'll go out in front and watch for Ory.

KATHY:

I'll go with you!

BETTY:

(OFF) It was on the upstairs porch the last time I saw it!

BUD:

(TO KATHY) What do you always have to tag along for, shrimp?

KATHY:

I can if I want to!

MARGARET:

(CALLS, TO BETTY) I haven't seen it, dear.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

BUD:

(MILDLY ANNOYED, OFF) Holy cow.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS KATHY AND BUD EXIT

BETTY:

(OFF) I wonder if it's in the basement! Pierre has to have something to sleep on!

MARGARET:

(CALLS) Well, it's around the house somewhere.

BETTY:

(OFF) Bud, have you seen it?!

MARGARET:

(CALLS) He's out in front, dear.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

BETTY:

(OFF, CALLS) Buuuuud?!

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS BETTY EXITS

JIM:

(ENTERS, LOW) Margaret? Did Betty go out the front door?

MARGARET:

What? Yes, why?

JIM:

(CHUCKLES) I didn't want her to see me come in.

MARGARET:

What have you been up to?

JIM:

I'm gonna throw a little scare into Betty. When she goes out to the back porch for Pierre, he won't be there.

MARGARET:

What?

JIM:

I bedded him down in the garage. Let her think he's lost for a while. Teach her a good lesson not to play school politics.

MARGARET:

(DISAPPROVING) Oh, Jim.

JIM:

Let her think she's going to have to replace that three-hundred-dollar dog. Let her wonder what she's going to tell Mr. Fawcett tomorrow. It'll serve her just right.

MARGARET:

Are you sure he's all right out there?

JIM:

Sure, the door's closed tight. He can't get out. I can hardly wait to see the expression on Betty's face.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MARGARET:

(CALLS) Is that you, Bud?

BETTY:

(OFF) It's me, Mother.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MARGARET:

Oh. Did Bud know where the blanket was?

BETTY:

(OFF) No.

JIM:

(CALLS) Uh, princess, hadn't you better see if Pierre's all right? He hasn't made a sound out there.

BETTY:

(OFF) I'll be down in a minute.

MARGARET:

(CONCERNED, TO JIM) Dear, do you think the garage is a very good place for it? Someone could come along and--

JIM:

Noooo, he's perfectly safe.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

BUD:

(ENTERS) Say, Mom, Ory hasn't called, has he?

MARGARET:

No. We've been right here.

BUD:

He hasn't showed up with the pigeon yet.

JIM:

By the way, Bud, er-- Kind of steer clear of the garage. I mean, don't open the door.

BUD:

Don't open the door? I just closed it.

JIM:

What?

BUD:

Yeah. It was open.

MARGARET:

Oh, no.

JIM:

Where was the dog?

BUD:

I don't know. No dog out there.

JIM:

No dog?!

BUD:

What's the matter, Dad?

JIM:

(MOVING OFF) Out of the way!

MARGARET:

(WRY) You'd better take a good look at your father, Bud. You may not see him for a long time.

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Right now, Jim would pay almost three hundred dollars for some information he badly needs about a missing dog. And, friends, here is some information from Ed Prentiss, which may be worth a lot more than three hundred dollars to you.

PRENTISS:

You know when you're not sleeping nights -- when you're always worn out, cross, and nervous -- you'd give almost anything to clear up the trouble, wouldn't you? Well, your trouble could be "coffee nerves." Yes, coffee nerves brought on by the caffeine in coffee or tea. You know, caffeine is a drug, a nerve stimulant. That's a scientific fact. Yes, caffeine may leave you too nervous and upset to sleep properly. And while many can handle coffee okay, others -- and this could mean you -- suffer sleepless nights, jittery nerves. What to do about it? Well, you don't have to give up enjoying a good hot drink -- no, sir. Just make it Postum instead. Delicious Instant Postum. There's a good sound reason: Postum is totally without caffeine; not a single bit of it. No wonder so many folks have switched to Postum, and sleep. Why don't you make this simple test? Drink Postum for thirty days. Postum exclusively. Then check up. See if you aren't sleeping better. Feeling better, too. Try Postum and see. You'll like it. Delicious Instant Postum, made instantly in the cup.

MUSIC:

SECOND ACT INTRO ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Well, there used to be a game called "Button, button, who's got the button?" This evening in the white-frame house on Maple Street, a variation on that game is being played. You might call it, "Strudel, strudel, who's got the poodle?" ... Now, the one who is most frantically searching for a certain toy poodle named Pierre is Jim Anderson. Meanwhile in the kitchen, Bud is trying to catch up on the current crisis. Like this--

BUD:

Holy cow, Mom. What's wrong with Dad?

MARGARET:

Well, don't say anything about it, Bud, but your father put Pierre out in the garage, and now he's missing.

BUD:

Ohhh, that's why Dad went tearing out the back door. But what did he put him in the garage for?

MARGARET:

Um, it's a long story. The point is, Pierre is gone and your father has to find him before Betty finds out.

BUD:

Maybe a butterfly chased him. ...

BETTY:

(OFF) Father?!

MARGARET:

(CALLS) He's outside, Betty. (LOW, TO BUD, MOVING OFF) I'm gonna go out and see if I can help him.

SOUND:

KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AS BETTY ENTERS

BUD:

(WITH DISGUST, TO HIMSELF) Poodles.

SOUND:

KITCHEN DOOR SHUTS

BETTY:

What's the idea of standing in the middle of the kitchen with that dumb look on your face?

BUD:

I'm waiting for Ory. He's bringing the pigeon over.

BETTY:

Where'd Mother go?

BUD:

Outside.

BETTY:

Where's Father?

BUD:

Outside.

BETTY:

(KNOWINGLY) I'll bet he's looking for Pierre, isn't he?

BUD:

(BEAT, PLAYS DUMB) Is he?

BETTY:

(CONFIDENTIALLY) Bud, don't you tell anybody, but I have Pierre up in my room. ...

BUD:

Huh?

BETTY:

I heard Father talking out here. He hid him in the garage just to scare me. So I went out and brought Pierre in the front way.

BUD:

You'd better go out and tell him.

BETTY:

Oh, no; let him stew for a while. It'll teach him a lesson. Poor little Pierre out there in that dirty garage.

BUD:

(SARCASTIC) Stop, you're breakin' my heart. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

MARGARET:

(SEES BETTY) Oh. (UNCOMFORTABLE) Oh, I didn't know you were in here, Betty.

BETTY:

I've been here all the time. Where's Father?

MARGARET:

Oh, um, he's outside, dear. Uh, weren't you planning to go out tonight?

BETTY:

Me? Oh, no. I have to stay home and take care of Pierre. Where is he, Mother?

MARGARET:

Pierre? Oh, uh, he's outside -- somewhere.

BETTY:

Outside?!

MARGARET:

Oh, your father's out there, too. He's all right. (UNCONVINCINGLY) I'm sure.

BUD:

I think I'll go outside, too. (MOVING OFF) I gotta watch for Ory.

BETTY:

Mother? What's Father up to?

MARGARET:

Well, uh, you see, dear, he--

JIM:

(ENTERS) Margaret, have you--? (SEES BETTY, UNCOMFORTABLE) Oh, hello, princess.

BETTY:

(POINTEDLY) Father? Where is Mr. Fawcett's three-hundred-dollar French poodle?

JIM:

(FLUSTERED) Er, Mr. French's three-poodle-- I mean-- ... Oh, he's all right. Er, you don't think I'd let anything happen to him, do you?

BETTY:

Oh, I'm not worried. I'm sure you know exactly where he is. And I'm perfectly confident that you're taking good care of him.

JIM:

(SLOWLY, AWKWARDLY) Ohhhh, sure. ...

BETTY:

Well, you'd better go out and get him, Father. (MOVING OFF) I'm going to put him to bed in a few minutes.

JIM:

Er, all right, princess.

MARGARET:

I think you'd better sit down, dear. You look a little shaky.

JIM:

(FRUSTRATED) Margaret, where do you suppose that darn dog went to? There's not a sign of him anywhere.

MARGARET:

Don't look at me. You're the one who's teaching Betty the lesson.

JIM:

I've got to find him. But where? Talk about looking for a needle in a haystack. That four-legged powder puff could hide under a peanut shell. ...

MARGARET:

Of all the silly ideas, putting him in the garage in the first place.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES OFF

JIM:

(CALLS) Who's that?!

MARGARET:

(DRY) Maybe it's Pierre. He seems to open and close doors pretty readily. ...

BUD:

(ENTERS) Ory showed up with the pigeon finally.

KATHY:

Yeah! Bud sent a message back to Ory.

JIM:

Look, Kathy, Bud--

BUD:

I don't know if Ory'll be there to get the message, though. He ran for home as fast as he could, but the pigeon was way ahead of him. ...

KATHY:

Why didn't you hold the pigeon and wait till Ory got home?

BUD:

(AS IF TO A CHILD) The message was urgent. ...

MARGARET:

(DISBELIEF) Oh, dear.

JIM:

Look, kids. I have a very serious problem and - and, Bud, you and Kathy can help me.

KATHY:

What's the matter, Daddy?

JIM:

Well, don't say anything to Betty, but Pierre-- He got away somehow. I want you both to go out and comb the neighborhood.

KATHY:

(GLAD TO HELP) I'll go, Daddy.

BUD:

But, Dad, there's no use going out--

MARGARET:

We've got to find him, Bud.

JIM:

You kids know all the nooks and crannies around the neighborhood. He can't be very far away. I'll - I'll even give a reward for him.

KATHY:

(EXCITED) Dead or alive?!

JIM:

I'm serious, kitten. Er, five dollars in cash.

BUD:

Five dollars? Holy cow!

KATHY:

Oh, boy! Come on, Bud, get your flashlight!

BUD:

(HELPLESSLY) Yeah, but he's not-- Well, I mean--

KATHY:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, you can stand around if you want to. I'm going out and look for him!

BUD:

(UNCONCERNED, MOVING OFF) Anything to eat in the refrigerator, Mom? I'm hungry.

JIM:

(DRY) Fine cooperation from my son. There's only one place to look for anything as far as he's concerned -- in the refrigerator! ...

MARGARET:

Well, dear, you brought this on yourself.

JIM:

Why did Betty have to bring the fool dog home in the first place? And a three-hundred-dollar dog! He ought to be in a safe deposit box. ... (MOVING OFF) I'm going to phone some of the neighbors. The Davises have a dog. Maybe he went over there.

BUD:

Where's the peanut butter, Mom?

MARGARET:

Right where it always is. I can't understand you, Bud. When your father asked you to go out and--

BUD:

(INTERRUPTS) But the dog isn't outside anywhere. (CATCHES HIMSELF) Uh, I mean, what's the use of--?

MARGARET:

(INTERRUPTS) How do you know he isn't outside?

BUD:

(EVASIVE) Well, I'm - not supposed to say.

MARGARET:

Who said you're not?

BUD:

Well, uh--

MARGARET:

Bud, there's nothing that concerns the family that you can't tell me.

BUD:

But, gee, Mom, I--

MARGARET:

Bud, do you know where the dog is?

BUD:

Well, sort of.

MARGARET:

(EXHALES) What do you mean "sort of"? Is he in the house?

BUD:

Yeah. Kinda. ...

MARGARET:

He can't be "kinda" in the house. Pierre is either in or out. Now, where is he?

BUD:

Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but-- You see, Betty's trying to teach Dad a lesson. She got the pooch out of the garage and he's up in her room.

MARGARET:

Ohhh, I see. Well!

JIM:

(ENTERS, UNHAPPY) Lines are all busy. What in tarnation am I gonna tell Betty? Bud, you might take just a little interest in all this. Three hundred dollars doesn't grow on trees, you know.

BUD:

(BLANDLY) I know, Dad. Any jam around, Mom? ...

JIM:

I wonder if it would do any good to call the police.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

MARGARET:

Oh, that's probably for me, dear. I'm expecting a call from Mrs. Rodney.

JIM:

Ask her if she's seen a silly-looking French poodle.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER UP

MARGARET:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Oh, Mr. Fawcett! This is Betty's mother. She didn't expect you back until tomorrow morning. -- Oh, I see. -- Uh, yes. Yes, we have Pierre. -- He's fine. -- Oh, it's perfectly all right. -- That'll be fine. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

BETTY:

(ENTERS) Who was it, Mother?

JIM:

Did I hear you say that was--?

MARGARET:

Yes, that was Mr. Fawcett. He just arrived home. He's coming over to pick up Pierre.

JIM:

(WORRIED) Coming over?

BETTY:

(KNOWINGLY) What's the matter, Father?

JIM:

Coming over here tonight? In the dark? ...

BETTY:

I imagine he has lights on his car.

JIM:

Yes, but--

MARGARET:

(MOVING OFF) Excuse me, I'll be right back.

JIM:

Well--

BETTY:

(TWISTS THE KNIFE) Father? You haven't let anything happen to Pierre, have you?

JIM:

Princess, I-- Believe me, I-- I didn't intend to-- (EXHALES) I have to tell you. The dog's gone.

BETTY:

(FEIGNS OUTRAGE) Oh, Father, how could you?!

JIM:

(DESPERATELY) But I'll buy Mr. Fawcett another one. Or I'll find him. Or I'll--

BETTY:

(LEVELS WITH HIM, EVENLY) All right, Father, you've suffered enough. I took Pierre out of the garage.

JIM:

What?

BETTY:

I was just teaching you a little lesson, not to be so quick to jump to conclusions.

JIM:

Ohhhh, princess, that was a cruel thing to do.

BETTY:

Not any more cruel than what you were doing.

JIM:

Thank goodness he isn't lost. Where is he?

BETTY:

Up in my room. (MOVING OFF) If Mr. Fawcett's coming over after him, I want to brush him and put a ribbon on his collar.

SOUND:

BEDROOM DOOR OPENS, OFF

BETTY:

(CALLS, OFF) Pierre? Pierre? (NO ANSWER, DISTRESSED) Where are you, Pierre?!

BUD:

(ENTERS, TO JIM) What's goin' on?

SOUND:

BETTY'S HURRIED STEPS AS SHE SEARCHES UPSTAIRS BEHIND--

BETTY:

(OFF) Father! He's gone! He isn't up here anywhere!

BUD:

She still chasing that cream puff? ...

BETTY:

(CLOSER) I can't find Pierre! Have you seen him, Bud?

BUD:

Not me.

JIM:

I hate to say this, but if you'd left him in the garage where I put him, this would never have happened. ...

BETTY:

If you'd left him on the back porch where I put him, it wouldn't have happened, either!

BUD:

(MOCK WEARY) This family's gone to the dogs. ...

BETTY:

(ANNOYED) Oh, who asked you?!

BUD:

Nobody.

BETTY:

Here I am, facing disgrace -- utter disgrace!

JIM:

I'm sorry, princess, but this shows what happens when you try to take things into your own hands.

MARGARET:

(ENTERS) Well, what's all the wailing about now?

JIM:

(DRY) The French ambassador has gone underground again. ...

MARGARET:

Who? Pierre?

BETTY:

He's dropped out of sight, Mother -- vanished! I had him in my room just a few minutes ago and now he's gone!

MARGARET:

How could that be? What was he doing in your room?

BETTY:

(EMBARRASSED) Well, I was getting even with Father a little for hiding him in the garage, so I had him in my room. Now suddenly he's nowhere in the house! What am I gonna tell Mr. Fawcett?

JIM:

Let's see, three hundred dollars, and your allowance is two dollars and a half a week. That'll be about, er--

BETTY:

Oh, Father, don't think about it! Pierre has to be in this house somewhere!

MARGARET:

(SATISFIED) Well, I hope you both learned your lesson about trying to teach other people lessons. I have Pierre. ...

JIM:

Huh?

BETTY:

You have?!

MARGARET:

He's sound asleep in the broom closet.

BETTY:

(RELIEVED) Ohhhh, thank goodness! Well, let's get him out before Mr. Fawcett comes. I want him to look his best.

MARGARET:

Oh, I forgot to mention, too: Mr. Fawcett is coming to pick up Pierre, but not until tomorrow morning.

BETTY:

Mother!

JIM:

Margaret, that's not very fair.

MARGARET:

(TRIUMPHANT) I just wanted to teach you two a little lesson. And I think it worked out very well.

BETTY:

Well, let's get Pierre out of the broom closet.

MARGARET:

Well, he's right here.

SOUND:

MARGARET'S STEPS TO CLOSET DOOR, WHICH OPENS

MARGARET:

He's right in this-- Where'd he go?

BETTY:

Oh, no, not again! ...

MARGARET:

But - but he was right here. I put him here!

JIM:

Well, let's see. Your household budget is, er--

MARGARET:

Oh, but, Jim! He was here! I know he was here!

JIM:

(CHUCKLES) I wonder who's teaching you a little lesson, dear. (LAUGHS)

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

If your family races off mornings without a good breakfast, chances are they're not getting proper nourishment to carry them through the busy morning hours. Now, actually, a good breakfast -- one that supplies one-quarter to one-third of your daily nutritional requirements -- is inexpensive and easy to fix. Many authorities agree breakfast should include fruit or fruit juice, bread and a spread, milk, and cereal. And which cereal? Well, for flavor and for health, just try Post Forty Percent Bran Flakes. Here, you get the famous "keep regular" benefits of bran, plus a wonderful new magic oven flavor. Yes, start serving better breakfasts. And be sure to include Post Forty Percent Bran Flakes.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE

WHISTLER:

(WHISTLES)

WOMAN:

(SINGS) For goodness sakes--

WHISTLER:

(WHISTLES)

WOMAN:

(SINGS) Eat Post Bran Flakes!

WHISTLER:

(WHISTLES)

WOMAN:

(SINGS) So good and so good for you!

WHISTLER:

(WHISTLES)

MUSIC:

JINGLE ENDS ... GENTLE TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Well, it's a few moments later in the white-frame house on Maple Street, and still no clue to the missing Pierre. It's a rather tense moment as the Andersons face the awful truth that the precious poodle, this time, has dropped out of sight once and for all. Like this--

MARGARET:

(DISCOURAGED) Well, I've looked everywhere. Not a trace of him.

BUD:

(ENTERS) He's not in the basement.

BETTY:

Oh, if only you and Mother had left him alone.

JIM:

If you hadn't brought him home in the first place--

BETTY:

Father, if you had left him on the--

JIM:

I know, I know.

KATHY:

(ENTERS, EXCITED) Give me the five dollars, Daddy! I get the reward!

JIM:

Reward?

KATHY:

I got Pierre! ...

SOUND:

WHIMPER AND PANTING OF DOG, IN BG--

BETTY:

(RELIEVED) Oh, Kathy! Bless you! Bless you!

JIM:

(AMUSED) All right, kitten, we give up. Where did you find him?

SOUND:

DOG GROWS QUIET FOR--

KATHY:

It was easy! I found him in the broom closet! ...

SOUND:

DOG BARKS MERRILY

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... THEN IN BG--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Join us again next week when we'll be back with FATHER KNOWS BEST, starring Robert Young as Jim Anderson. Until then, good night and good luck from the makers of Post Forty Percent Bran Flakes, America's largest-selling bran flakes, and Instant Postum, the drink that's entirely caffeine-free. In our cast were Ted Donaldson as Bud, Jean Vander Pyl, Rhoda Williams, and Norma Jean Nilsson.

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

If your family likes to pick and choose, give 'em a chance at breakfast tomorrow. Yes, let 'em choose their cereal for the day, the handy Post-Tens way. Post-Tens gives you ten individual packages with seven famous Post cereals. It's the only assortment with two leading sweet-coated cereals: Krinkles and Sugar Crisp. Post-Tens make a mighty thrifty breakfast treat, too. Each package holds just one serving, so there's never any waste! So when you're shopping, remember, for the best choice, make your first choice Post-Tens.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

FATHER KNOWS BEST was transcribed in Hollywood and written by Paul West and Roswell Rogers. This is Bill Forman speaking.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME UP ... THEN FADES OUT

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

SOUND:

NBC CHIMES