MUSIC:

"ON STAGE" THEME UP, THEN PAUSE FOR:

ANNCR:

Cathy and Elliott Lewis - On Stage.

MUSIC:

"ON STAGE" THEME SWELLS, AND CONTINUES UNDER

ANNCR:

Cathy Lewis. Elliott Lewis. Two of the most distinguished names in Radio. Appearing each week, in their own theatre. Starring in a repertory of transcribed stories of their own, and your, choosing. Radio's foremost players in Radio's foremost plays. Drama, Comedy, Adventure, Mystery, Melodrama. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elliott Lewis.

MUSIC:

THEME OUT

ELLIOTT:

Good evening. May I present my wife, Cathy.

CATHY:

Good evening.

ELLIOTT:

A poet, long since forgotten, once commented, "There is no place on earth, absolutely no place on earth, where a woman can be so much of a woman as at a party."

CATHY:

And so, E. Jack Neuman, who loves women and parties, wrote tonight's play for us. It's called... "The Party". I'm the hostess, Irene.

ELLIOTT:

And I'm the current suitor, Aaron.

CATHY:

And now, let's go to the party!

MUSIC:

BUSTLING FRANTIC MOTION, ENDING ON AN EXPECTANT NOTE

SFX:

NIGHT AMBIENCE, CHIRPING CRICKETS, UNDER

SFX:

DOORBELL RINGS ... PAUSE ... DOOR OPENS

AARON:

Gosh, you look swell.

IRENE:

(SLIGHTLY FRANTIC) Did you forget the ice?

SFX:

HE STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES ... CRICKETS OUT

SFX:

AARON & IRENE WALK INTO HALL TOGETHER, UNDER

AARON:

(CALM AND HAPPY TO SEE HER) No. Stopped on the way. Man should be along any minute.

IRENE:

Oh, that's wonderful. Hello, darling. (KISSES HIM QUICKLY) I'm not dressed yet.

AARON:

(WARMLY) Hello, Angel.

IRENE:

Everything's gone wrong. Can't seem to get anything done. And hors d'oeuvres aren't Bessie's dish of meat, I'm afraid.

AARON:

What can I do to help?

IRENE:

Oh! Look at the time already!

AARON:

Now, don't get upset.

IRENE:

Yes, dear.

AARON:

Relax, Angel. Go ahead. Finish dressing.

IRENE:

Darling, all- all- all of those things on the bar. Can you, sort of, sort of open them for me please?

AARON:

Yeah, sure. What else?

IRENE:

I've no idea who'll be here, and who won't. Oh dear. (QUICK KISS) Mmm. I do love you so terribly.

AARON:

Yeah, that's fine.

SFX:

SHE RUSHES OFF TO FINISH DRESSING

AARON:

(CALLING) And I love you.

SFX:

SHE PAUSES

IRENE:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) What, dear?

AARON:

(CALLING) And I love you.

IRENE:

(OFF, CHUCKLING) Oh! Oh! Isn't that nice?

SFX:

SHE SCURRIES TO THE BEDROOM (OFF)

AARON:

(CALLING) I think so.

IRENE:

(OFF) Hurry up with the things, huh, dear?

AARON:

(SMILING) Yeah, sure!

SFX:

HE WALKS TO KITCHEN

BESSIE:

(A BIT TIRED) Well, how are you tonight?

AARON:

I'm fine. How are you, Bessie?

BESSIE:

Oh, I'm just fine. Haven't seen you in a couple o' days.

SFX:

KITCHEN PREP (DISHES, CUPS, SAUCERS, ETC.) UNDER

AARON:

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, well, I've been busy.

BESSIE:

Got enough o' that stuff, didn't she?

AARON:

Yeah, looks like it.

SFX:

RUMMAGING THROUGH KITCHEN DRAWERS, UNDER

AARON:

I need a paring knife, Bessie.

SFX:

BESSIE WALKS TO DRAWER, GETS KNIFE, GIVES IT TO HIM

BESSIE:

Here.

AARON:

Yeah, thanks. (HUMS TO SELF FOR A FEW SECONDS)

SFX:

DOORBELL

BESSIE:

I guess I better get that.

SFX:

SHE WALKS TO DOOR, UNDER

IRENE:

(OFF, CALLING) Darling?

AARON:

(CALLING) Yeah?

IRENE:

(OFF, CALLING) If that's somebody coming ON TIME, play bartender and host for me, please dear?

AARON:

(SMILING, CALLING) Yeah, you betcha!

SFX:

DOOR OPEN (OFF)

BESSIE:

(OFF, CALLING) It's the ice.

AARON:

(CALLING) Huh?

BESSIE:

(CALLING LOUDER) Ice! Did ya order some ice?

AARON:

(CALLING) Oh, yeah.

IRENE:

(OFF, CALLING) Who is it?

AARON:

(CALLING) The ice.

IRENE:

(OFF) The what?

AARON:

(CALLING & ENUNCIATING) The man's here with the ice.

IRENE:

(OFF) Oh. Have-- have him put it in the kitchen sink.

AARON:

Uh, in the kitchen, Bessie.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS TO KITCHEN, UNDER

IRENE:

(OFF) What?

AARON:

(CALLING & ENUNCIATING) It's in the kitchen now.

IRENE:

(OFF) Oh, good.

AARON:

Yeah.

BESSIE:

(APPROACHING) He wants seventy-five cents.

AARON:

Yeah, okay. (TAKES OUT WALLET)

SFX:

WALLET OPEN ... TAKE OUT DOLLAR BILL ... GIVE IT TO BESSIE

AARON:

Here, he can keep the change.

BESSIE:

All right.

SFX:

THEY WALK TO DOOR

SFX:

PHONE RINGS, UNDER

BESSIE:

How much ice IS that?

AARON:

Fifty pounds.

BESSIE:

You don't think you'll be able to use all THAT?

AARON:

Well, you can't tell.

IRENE:

(OFF) Can somebody answer the phone?

AARON:

Yeah, all right; we're getting it.

SFX:

BESSIE RUSHES TO PHONE ... ANSWERS IT

BESSIE:

Hello? (PAUSE) Uh, just a minute, please.

SFX:

IRENE WALKS INTO ROOM

IRENE:

(A BIT BREATHLESS) Is that for me, Bessie?

BESSIE:

Uh huh.

IRENE:

Okay. (TAKES PHONE) Hello? Oh, hello there! I sure do. Oh. Uh, the second turn to your left, and to the end of the road. Oh, anytime. All right. Bye!

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE ... WALKS TO AARON, UNDER

IRENE:

(EXHALES) I guess I'm all ready.

AARON:

Hey... You're a nice sight! (PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND HER)

IRENE:

You're a nice sight yourself. Look at all that ice. (CHUCKLING) My!

AARON:

(CHUCKLES)

SFX:

PUTS ICE IN A GLASS

AARON:

Uh, light some cigarettes, huh? Anderwood.

IRENE:

Mm. Good idea.

SFX:

DRINKS BEING POURED AND MIXED

AARON:

(GIVES HER A DRINK) Here you are.

IRENE:

(GIVES HIM A CIGARETTE) And here.

AARON:

Thank you.

(THEY BOTH TAKE DRAGS, AND EXHALE)

 

IRENE:

Mmmm... (GASP) I forgot the anchovies!

SFX:

PUTS DOWN GLASS

IRENE:

C-can you reach them? Uh, up there.

SFX:

HE WALKS TO CUPBOARD

AARON:

(REACHING UP HIGH) Yeah, sure. There.

SFX:

HE BRINGS HER THE JAR OF ANCHOVIES

IRENE:

Dear?

AARON:

Hm?

IRENE:

(SERIOUSLY) I've something to tell you.

AARON:

(SUDDENLY CAUSTIC) You went and did it, didn't you?

SFX:

SHE GETS OPENER FROM DRAWER

IRENE:

Here's the opener.

AARON:

(GRIM) Thanks.

SFX:

HE OPENS THE JAR, UNDER

IRENE:

Well, I'm a single girl, and I'm having a party, and I can invite anyone I please, can't I?

AARON:

(GRIM) Sure.

IRENE:

Are you angry?

AARON:

I wouldn't have come if I'd known HE was gonna be here.

IRENE:

Oh, that's so silly. Why not?

AARON:

Because he knows about you and me, all three of us will be uncomfortable.

IRENE:

I won't. (SWITCH) Just put 'em on the dish.

AARON:

Well, I will, and HE will.

IRENE:

But he's very interesting. You'll like him. Really.

SFX:

ANNOYED, HE KEEPS PUTTING ANCHOVIES INTO DISH, UNDER

IRENE:

(LITTLE CHUCKLE) Don't look so glowery, sorta.

AARON:

(GRUNTS) Yeah.

IRENE:

You won't do anything, will you, dear?

AARON:

I oughtta punch him in the nose!

IRENE:

Oh, isn't that silly? (TEASING) My, what a scowl!

AARON:

(SUDDENLY) I don't think I'll stay.

IRENE:

Such a dark look. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

AARON:

You shouldn't have asked him, Irene.

IRENE:

(SING-SONGY) Aaron's mad.

BESSIE:

Don't pick on him!

IRENE:

I'm not picking on him, Bessie.

AARON:

Why do you do these things?

IRENE:

Darling, I'm just having a party, and I invited a man. Now, what's wrong with that?

AARON:

I thought you were finished with him.

IRENE:

I am. (BEAT) I think. (CHUCKLES)

AARON:

Oh, nuts.

IRENE:

Besides, Kay had to have a man. I think Kay and Freddy oughtta get along just fine.

AARON:

What's the matter with her husband?

IRENE:

You know THEY don't get along.

AARON:

(GRUNTS) Yeah. Let Kay get her own men!

IRENE:

Don't be so gloomy, dear.

SFX:

HE FIRMLY PUTS DOWN HIS GLASS

AARON:

I'm leaving.

IRENE:

(MADDENINGLY CALM) Really?

AARON:

I mean it.

IRENE:

You shouldn't feel that way.

AARON:

Well, how else do you expect me to feel, dragging out Freddy?

IRENE:

Oh, you're pouting. Are you really angry?

AARON:

Of course I'm angry! Goodbye!

SFX:

HE HEADS FOR THE DOOR ... OPENS IT ANGRILY ... CRICKETS CHIRPING, UNDER

IRENE:

(CALMLY) Goodnight, dear.

SFX:

HE STEPS OUT

IRENE:

(CALLING, CALMLY) Would you snap on the porch-light, please, dear?

SFX:

ANGRY DOOR SLAM ... QUICK FOOTSTEPS ON THE PORCH ... CLICK OF LIGHT-SWITCH AS HE GOES BY IT ... HE STORMS OFF ... A DOG STARTS BARKING

AARON:

(VICIOUSLY, AS HE KICKS DOG) Oh, shut up!

SFX:

DOG YELPS IN PAIN, AS AARON STORMS OFF

MUSIC:

LIGHT COMIC TENSION, THEN OUT

SFX:

PARTY AMBIENCE, UNDER

SFX:

AARON ENTERS ... CLOSES DOOR ... WALKS IN

AARON:

(CLEARS THROAT)

SFX:

WALKS TO IRENE

IRENE:

(MOCK SURPRISE) Well, Aaron!

AARON:

(RATHER TESTY) Hi.

IRENE:

We-ell.

AARON:

Well, what?

IRENE:

You didn't leave.

AARON:

No, I came back.

IRENE:

Are you over being mad?

AARON:

(GRUDGINGLY) I guess so.

IRENE:

(CHUCKLING) You don't look it.

AARON:

I--

IRENE:

Dear, I'm just having a terrible time trying to mix drinks and introduce people. Will you mix for me?

AARON:

Well, sure, darling, but I-I--

IRENE:

Yes, dear?

AARON:

(PAUSE) I need a drink.

SFX:

DOORBELL (OFF)

IRENE:

Yes, dear. Go ahead, go ahead. I'll get the door. Go on.

SFX:

HE SLOWLY WALKS TO BAR, UNDER

SFX:

SHE QUICKLY WALKS TO DOOR (OFF) ... OPENS IT

IRENE:

(OFF) Well, hello! How are you? Hi! Hi! Come on in! Lemme take your coat.

AARON:

(SMALL TALK) Hi. How are you?

GUEST 1:

Hi.

AARON:

Hi.

GUEST 2:

Hello.

AARON:

Oh, hullo.

ROY:

Hello.

AARON:

Oh, hello.

ROY:

Roy Peterson.

AARON:

Aaron Yardley.

ROY:

Yardley?

AARON:

That's right. What can I make for you, Roy?

ROY:

(CHUCKLING) You the bartender?

AARON:

(STILL NOT IN A PARTY MOOD) I am.

ROY:

Well, I'd like a little Gin and Tonic, if you've got it.

AARON:

(REACHING FOR BOTTLES) Yeah, I got it.

SFX:

MIXES DRINKS, UNDER

ROY:

(ADMIRING) Ah! Irene certainly has a lovely little house, doesn't she?

AARON:

(SMALL TALK) M-hm.

ROY:

I think she's just a sweetheart.

AARON:

She sure is.

ROY:

Bless her heart.

AARON:

Why not?

ROY:

Oh?

AARON:

(HANDING HIM DRINK) Here you go.

ROY:

Well. Bless YOUR heart.

AARON:

(SLIGHTLY SARCASTIC) And bless yours. (RAISES HIS OWN DRINK) Cheers, Roy.

ROY:

Cheers, Aaron.

(THEY BOTH DRINK, THEN EXHALE)

 

ROY:

(PLEASED WITH DRINK) Well! Bless your heart!

AARON:

Yeah.

SFX:

IRENE WALKS OVER

IRENE:

(APPROACHING) Aaron? Have, uh, you met Mr. and Mrs. Granger?

AARON:

No, I don't believe I have.

IRENE:

Dave and Betty, this is Aaron Yardley. And you know Roy.

ROY:

Bless your heart.

AARON:

Oh, how do you do?

DAVE:

Hello.

BETTY:

Oh, nice to meet you.

AARON:

What are you drinking?

DAVE:

We're Scotch and Water people.

AARON:

(STARTING TO THAW) Scotch and Water by two.

SFX:

MIXES DRINKS, UNDER

ROY:

Two of these, and I'll be flying the mail planes. (LAUGHING)

(IRENE, BETTY, DAVE JOIN THE LAUGHTER)

 

IRENE:

Excuse me, will you, please?

SFX:

HURRIES OFF TO MINGLE

DAVE:

Sure.

SFX:

AARON GIVES DRINKS TO BETTY AND DAVE

AARON:

There you go.

DAVE:

Thanks.

BETTY:

Oh, thank you.

ROY:

Oh, isn't he fast?

DAVE:

Oh, fine.

ROY:

Aaron, you're all right. I like you. Bless your heart.

AARON:

(SLIGHT SARCASM) Bless yours.

ROY:

Huh?

AARON:

Bless YOUR heart.

ROY:

Oh.

SFX:

IRENE APPROACHES WITH A MAN

IRENE:

(APPROACHING) I want you all to meet Freddy Pomeroy. Freddy, uh, this is Mr. and Mrs. Granger, Dave and Betty.

DAVE:

How d'you do?

BETTY:

Hello.

IRENE:

And, uh, Roy Peterson.

ROY:

How are you?

FREDDY:

Fine.

IRENE:

And, uh, Aaron Yardley.

FREDDY:

Hello.

AARON:

(PISSED-OFF) You want something to drink?

FREDDY:

(TOTALLY MISSES THE HATE) I've been drinking Bourbon.

AARON:

With what?

FREDDY:

(AIRILY) Water and ice. Is there any other way to drink Bourbon?

AARON:

(GRUNTS) Yeah.

SFX:

MIXES DRINK, UNDER

IRENE:

Fred's been at the races. All day long. Haven't you?

FREDDY:

Yeah. Traffic was terrible coming back. I'm a little bushed.

SFX:

DOORBELL (OFF)

IRENE:

(LITTLE LAUGH) Y-you'll excuse me please.

FREDDY:

Sure.

SFX:

SHE HURRIES AWAY TO THE DOOR

ROY:

You know, I never can win at the races.

DAVE:

I never go.

BETTY:

Yeah, we never go either.

FREDDY:

I go when I get a chance.

ROY:

I always figure I'm ahead if my horse breaks.

AARON:

(COLDLY) Here's your drink.

SFX:

PUTS DRINK DOWN HARD ON BAR

FREDDY:

Thanks!

AARON:

How'd you do at the track?

FREDDY:

(GOOD-NATUREDLY) Lost six out of six. Couldn't pick a one of 'em.

AARON:

I'm glad to hear that.

FREDDY:

Hm?

ROY:

Well, bless your heart, Aaron; I think I'm ready for a refill. (CHUCKLES) Gin and Tonic.

AARON:

Yeah, I know. (UP) Anybody else? (NO RESPONSE) Okay.

SFX:

MIXES DRINK, UNDER

FREDDY:

Excuse me.

AARON:

Yeah, sure.

SFX:

WALKS AWAY

ROY:

Seems like a nice fellow.

AARON:

(GRIM) Yeah.

ROY:

What's his name.

AARON:

Freddy. Fred.

BETTY:

What do you do?

AARON:

Me?

BETTY:

M-hm. Uh, Aaron, isn't it?

AARON:

(GRIM) Yeah.

BETTY:

So what do you do?

AARON:

I tend bar.

BETTY:

Where?

AARON:

Right here. I work on a twenty-four hour basis. Whenever Irene throws a party, I'm bartender. Here.

SFX:

PUTS DRINK DOWN ON BAR

BETTY:

Thanks.

ROY:

And he's very good too. (CHUCKLING) Bless his heart, yes sir.

AARON:

What do YOU do?

BETTY:

I'm married.

AARON:

Don't you do anything?

DAVE:

We have enough trouble just being married.

AARON:

(BEAT) Hold down the bar, Roy?

ROY:

Well, glad to. You giving up? I thought you were on duty twenty-four hours a day. (LAUGHS)

AARON:

(SLIGHT SARCASM) Rest period.

ROY:

(CHUCKLING) Well, bless your heart; bless your heart.

AARON:

You betcha. 'Scuse me, huh?

ROY:

M-hm.

SFX:

AARON WALKS AWAY TO KITCHEN, UNDER

Guest 3:

(FADING IN) Ehh, I'm through with those big cars. I'll take a small one every time. Seven cents a mile is a lot better'n eleven cents a mile. (FADING OUT) First of the year, I'm standing in line for...

AARON:

(GRIM) Where's Irene, Bessie?

BESSIE:

In the bedroom, usin' the phone.

AARON:

Thanks.

SFX:

WALKS TO BEDROOM ... OPENS DOOR

IRENE:

(INTO PHONE) Love to! No, I'd love to have you come over! Doesn't make a bit o' difference how you're dressed. Just a few friends. Look forward to seeing you. Bye.

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE

IRENE:

(SEES AARON) Oh! What's up, darling? I gotta get back to my party.

AARON:

No, wait. Irene...

IRENE:

What?

AARON:

(KISSES HER QUICKLY)

IRENE:

Ohhh.

AARON:

You win. Besides, Freddy isn't anybody to worry about, now that I've seen him. He looks like a jerk.

IRENE:

He's very nice. And Kay likes him.

AARON:

She can have him.

IRENE:

Let's get back to the party. I'm a hostess, remember?

AARON:

No, just a minute. Who's this "bless your heart" boy?

IRENE:

Roy? (CHUCKLES) Isn't he cute?

AARON:

Very snazzy. Where'd you find HIM?

IRENE:

He was at lunch the other day. I sort of asked him to drop in, tonight. He sells bathtubs or something. I like him.

AARON:

He likes YOU.

IRENE:

Isn't that nice?

AARON:

I like you too. As a matter of fact, I love you.

IRENE:

And I love you, dear. (ABOUT TO KISS HIM)

SFX:

A COUPLE OF STEPS INTO THE ROOM, SLIGHTLY OFF

PAGE:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Irene?

IRENE:

Well, Page! How nice.

AARON:

(GRIM, AT BEING INTERRUPTED) Hello, Page.

PAGE:

Hello, A-ron. I just walked in.

IRENE:

Well, let's go in the front room with the others. My goodness, there's a party going on. What are we doing in here?

PAGE:

Well, I better go get myself a drink.

IRENE:

Well, Aaron's tending bar. He'll get it for you. What are you drinking, Page?

PAGE:

Whatever YOU are. Anything.

AARON:

Just yell, "Bless your heart," when you get near the bar.

PAGE:

Hm?

AARON:

You'll be taken care of.

PAGE:

Okay, I'll try. What are you drinkin', Irene?

IRENE:

Vodka and grapefruit juice. I'll go with you, Page.

AARON:

No, wait.

IRENE:

Oh. I- I'll be right there, Page.

PAGE:

Uh, uh, okay, Irene.

SFX:

WALKS AWAY

AARON:

(SEETHING) What IS this?

IRENE:

What is WHAT, for heaven's sake?

AARON:

Him! What's HE doing here?

IRENE:

He called me tonight, and I told him I was having a party, and I asked him to drop in.

AARON:

You never quit, do you?

IRENE:

Quit?

AARON:

This does it, Sugar. This really does it. Boy, you're rackin' 'em in here by the carload tonight! Half o' those yoyos out there are old exes, currents, and people who got the old eye-treatment when you didn't have anything else to do! What am I supposed to do? Stand around and feed 'em whiskey, and make polite conversation, while they snap at you like a bunch of hounds after a fox?

IRENE:

(SLOWLY) I'm a hostess. (QUICKLY) Aaron, I--

AARON:

I've had all o' this I can take. I'm going.

IRENE:

(DISMISSIVELY) Well, suit yourself.

AARON:

(BEAT) You KNOW how I feel about you.

IRENE:

Listen... Listen, we're not married. We're not engaged. I can do anything I want to. And that means I can invite anybody to my party that I feel like inviting. I'm having a party, and I'm gonna have a good time. You can be angry if you want to; I don't care.

AARON:

(BEAT) I'm leaving.

IRENE:

That's up to you.

AARON:

Yeah, it sure is. So long. It could'a been swell.

IRENE:

Yes, it could have. (AIRILY) Goodnight.

AARON:

Good night!

MUSIC:

COMIC, WEARY, SLIGHTLY SCAMPERING CURTAIN

ANNCR:

You are listening to "Cathy and Elliott Lewis - On Stage". Tonight's play: "The Party".

Many young people are undecided about what sort of career to follow. Unfortunately, we can't solve this problem for everyone. But here's a suggestion to young women, who are high school graduates and in good health. There are plenty of openings in the nursing profession. And the three-year course leading to a Nursing Certificate is a fascinating one. Inquire today, at your nearest hospital, or from your school advisor about your chances of entering the Nursing field.

MUSIC:

RAPID, CHATTERING COMIC CURTAIN, THEN LIGHT COMIC CHARM, THEN OUT WITH A HANGING CHORD

SFX:

NIGHTTIME CRICKETS CHIRPING ... DOOR OPENS ... AARON STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES SOFTLY ... CRICKETS OUT

SFX:

PARTY AMBIENCE, UNDER ... AARON WALKS IN AND HEADS FOR THE BAR.

MUSIC:

LUSH, ROMANTIC, ORCHESTRAL, ON A RECORD PLAYER, BUT MOSTLY DROWNED OUT BY THE PARTY AMBIENCE, UNDER

ROY:

(FADING IN, TIPSY) Well, sir, now you take your ordinary harsh-type abrasives... (SEES AARON) Well, bless your heart, Aaron! I thought you left.

AARON:

(SULLEN) I came back. Gimme one.

ROY:

Sure, sure.

SFX:

PUTS ICE IN GLASS, AND MIXES DRINK, UNDER

ROY:

Hey, isn't this a swell party?

AARON:

Seems to be.

ROY:

Er, ever met that fellow standing over there with Irene?

AARON:

Yeah. His name's Page Taylor.

ROY:

Page Taylor... Awfully nice chap, isn't he?

AARON:

(GRIM) Great.

ROY:

Irene's certainly a charming hostess, bless her heart.

AARON:

M-hm.

ROY:

There you go.

SFX:

PUTS DRINK ON BAR

AARON:

Thank you. Er, excuse me.

ROY:

Oh, sure, Aaron.

SFX:

AARON WALKS AWAY

MUSIC:

A BIT MORE AUDIBLE

BETTY::

(A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY) Well, hi there!

AAARON:

Oh! Hi.

BETTY::

Do you, uh, dance, or do you just stand around?

AARON:

Well, I've been known to dance.

BETTY::

Well, come on! Dance with me!

AARON:

No one else is dancing.

BETTY::

So, we'll start it. Put your drink down.

AARON:

Yeah, okay.

SFX:

PUTS DRINK ON SIDE-TABLE

BETTY::

(EXHALES HAPPILY, AS THEY START TO DANCE) You look pretty grim about the whole thing.

AARON:

Do I?

BETTY::

What's the matter? Somebody steal your car?

AARON:

No.

BETTY::

This is a party. Happy. Remember?

AARON:

I remember.

BETTY::

Mm, you're REALLY grim! (BEAT) Irene?

AARON:

(MIND IS ELSEWHERE) What?

BETTY::

Are you going with her, or something?

AARON:

Or something.

BETTY::

Don't take it too hard, Aaron. She's just having herself a time.

AARON:

(GRIM) Yeah. (BEAT. DECIDES TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME) Yeah. (WARMS UP TO BETTY)

BETTY::

Hm. Easy now.

AARON:

I won't bite. What's your name?

BETTY:

Betty.

AARON:

(WITH MEANING) Oh, yeah.

BETTY:

My! (CHUCKLING) Oh, my!

AARON:

Whatsa matter?

BETTY:

You don't look grim any more.

AARON:

Don't I?

BETTY:

M-m. No, you don't. (EXHALES HAPPILY) You certainly don't!

AARON:

I don't FEEL grim any more. I gave up being grim a couple of seconds ago. "Never be grim," I said to myself. "Never be grim." Whattaya think o' that?

DAVE:

(VERY GRIM) Could I dance with my wife?

AARON:

Yeah, sure, why not?

DAVE:

THIS is my wife.

BETTY:

(NOT HAPPY TO SEE HIM) Mm, hello, dear.

AARON:

Well, then, you can have her. Thank you, and good luck.

SFX:

HE WALKS AWAY, UNDER

DAVE:

(FADING, TO BETTY) What's gotten into ya, anyhow?

IRENE:

(FADING IN) ...perfectly lovely, Stan. I really think we should explore this together, sometime. After all, if YOU play the clarinet, and I play the clarinet, why--

AARON:

Hi. Come here.

IRENE:

(DELIGHTED) Aaron, Page plays the clarinet too. Imagine!

AARON:

I wanna dance with you.

IRENE:

I can't, darling. I'm hostess.

AARON:

Now, come on.

IRENE:

(MOCK-PROTESTING) I'm being taken away against my will!

SFX:

HE STARTS LEADING HER AWAY, UNDER

PAGE:

(FADING) Well, I'll see you later, Irene.

IRENE:

(LITTLE LAUGH)

AARON:

(SMILING, MORE HIS OLD SELF) Now, come here.

IRENE:

What, darling?

AARON:

I'm back.

IRENE:

Yes.

AARON:

Don't you wanna dance with me?

IRENE:

Yes.

AARON:

Well... It wasn't much fun going away. Besides, I wanna be with you.

IRENE:

I'm glad, darling. I want to be with YOU.

AARON:

Well, you could never tell it, the way you were sitting in the corner with HIM.

IRENE:

We were having a very interesting discussion. He's a very intriguing man.

AARON:

I always thought he was kinda stupid.

IRENE:

Really???

AARON:

Besides, I am the most intriguing thing you'll ever get your hands on. We oughtta be married.

IRENE:

("NOT THIS AGAIN") Yes, dear.

AARON:

I don't see the racetrack kid around.

IRENE:

Hm?

AARON:

Ready Freddy. What happened to him?

IRENE:

I don't know. I really don't. I think he just sorta disappeared with Kay. They were getting along fine.

AARON:

I'm glad HE'S gone. When's Page leaving?

IRENE:

He does look lonesome. Doesn't know anybody here, hardly. He's cute.

AARON:

Looks pretty dumb to me. It's getting late.

IRENE:

Mm, I hope it lasts all night! I'm having a wonderful time! Aren't you?

AARON:

I feel lousy.

IRENE:

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

AARON:

But I can last longer than any of 'em.

IRENE:

(SMILES KNOWINGLY) Yes, dear.

AARON:

(BEAT) I guess I love you.

IRENE:

Dear?

AARON:

What?

IRENE:

Go get me a drink, please? (HE JUST LOOKS AT HER) Please?

AARON:

Can't we finish this?

IRENE:

I'm hostess.

AARON:

Okay. I'll get you a drink.

IRENE:

That's fine darling.

SFX:

HE WALKS AWAY, UNDER

IRENE:

(FADING) Thanks. Thank you.

BETTY:

(FADING UP, TO AARON) Oh, you're burning all over again.

AARON:

(WITH BITTER HUMOUR) Well, you'll have to admit I do it with a lot of drama.

BETTY:

(LAUGHS) I would like a drink--

AARON:

So would I. Come on.

SFX:

THEY WALK TO BAR, UNDER

AARON:

What's your poison?

BETTY:

Scotch!

AARON:

Coming up!

SFX:

MIXES DRINKS, UNDER

AARON:

What happened to "Bless Your Heart"?

BETTY:

Oh, I dunno. (WARMLY) Mmm. You look nice.

AARON:

You look nice, yourself.

BETTY:

Er, let's dance.

AARON:

I thought you wanted to drink.

BETTY:

Now I wanna dance.

AARON:

Okay.

SFX:

HE STEPS AWAY FROM BAR ... THEY START TO DANCE

AARON:

Hm.

SFX:

DAVE STORMS UP

DAVE:

(APPROACHING) Get your hands offa my wife!

BETTY:

Oh no...

AARON:

Hm?

BETTY:

Ehh, it's Dave. He gets a little jealous sometimes.

AARON:

(GRIM) Isn't that nice?

BETTY:

Uh, I'm going to the powder room. Excuse me.

SFX:

SHE HURRIES AWAY

AARON:

Excused.

DAVE:

I'd like to dance with my wife a couple o' times tonight, IF you don't mind.

AARON:

(SMOOTHLY DEFUSING THE SITUATION) I don't mind one darn bit. Have a drink.

DAVE:

I-- Scotch.

AARON:

Okay. Already fixed; here ya are.

SFX:

PUTS DRINK ON BAR

DAVE:

Thanks.

AARON:

M-hm.

DAVE:

Uh... (DRINKS) You noticed I smiled when I told you to get your hands off her? (DRINKS. EXHALES) Smart girl, Betty. On the ball, sharp. You know, good head on her, good sense o' values.

AARON:

Swell.

DAVE:

(SMILING) Yes, sir!

ROY:

(APPROACHING) Well, bless your heart!

AARON:

(SMILES) We missed you.

ROY:

Oh, I've been moving around.

AARON:

Want me to build you one?

ROY:

(TIPSY) No, no. No thanks. Still have this one.

IRENE:

(APPROACHING) Everyone happy here?

AARON:

As happy as turtle doves.

IRENE:

Uh, this is Arthur and Edith--

ESTHER:

Esther.

IRENE:

(NERVOUS LAUGH) Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, Arthur and Esther Madden. You know Dave, Arthur?

ARTHUR:

Oh, sure. Howya been?

DAVE:

Swell. Hiya.

ESTHER:

Hi, Dave.

IRENE:

And, uh, Roy Peterson?

ROY:

You both came kinda late, didn't you?

ARTHUR:

Oh, we left one earlier to get here.

IRENE:

Oh, yes. Aaron, (BLANKS) uh...?

AARON:

(TENSE SMILE) Yardley. Aaron Yardley, dear. Remember?

IRENE:

(BLUSHING LAUGH) Yes, dear. Aaron Yardley.

AARON:

Hello, Arthur, Esther. Can I get you something?

ARTHUR:

I don't believe so. Ess?

ESTHER:

Uh, nothing for me.

IRENE:

(BEAT) Well. You missed a lot of the party, Arthur.

ROY:

Yes, bless his heart, he has.

IRENE:

Everyone have a drink?

AARON:

I think they do.
ESTHER: I don't want one.
ARTHUR: None for me, thanks, honey.

BETTY:

(APPROACHING. DELIGHTED) Arthur! Arthur Madden! (LAUGHS)

ARTHUR:

(HAPPY TO SEE HER) Betty!

BETTY:

Irene! You didn't tell me Arthur was coming!

IRENE:

Well, I didn't know if he'd make it or not.

ARTHUR:

I always make one o' YOUR parties, Irene.

DAVE:

(IRRITATED, SOTTO, TO BETTY) Where have ya been?

BETTY:

(SOTTO) Oh, putting on a new face. (UP) Arthur! You're looking very good. Er, did you lose some weight?

ARTHUR:

A little.

AARON:

Bless your heart.

BETTY:

(LITTLE LAUGH)

ARTHUR:

Huh?

AARON:

Never mind.

IRENE:

Did you make me a drink, Aaron?

AARON:

I did NOT. (BEAT. SHE GLARES AT HIM.) But I will.

IRENE:

(CURT) Thank you.

SFX:

AARON MIXES A DRINK, UNDER

ARTHUR:

It's good to see you again, Irene. Like old times, huh? Been almost two years.

IRENE:

Yes. Yes, it... How long have you been married?

ARTHUR:

Mm... nine months now.

IRENE:

Gosh.

ARTHUR:

Yep.

AARON:

(VAGUELY THREATENING) Anybody else?

DAVE:

Not me.

ARTHUR:

No thanks.

AARON:

I think we should all get drunk and be somebody.

IRENE:

Come on, Arthur. I wanna talk to you.

AARON:

(PLEASED) Okay.

SFX:

THEY WALK AWAY TOGETHER

ROY:

(SLIGHTLY AWKWARDLY) Seems like a nice-- nice fella.

AARON:

(GRIM) Bless his heart.

ROY:

Yes.

BETTY:

Uh, Dave, why don't you ever dance with me?

DAVE:

HE'S always dancin' with ya; that's why.

AARON:

I give up. She's ALL yours.

BETTY:

Well! That's not very gallant.

DAVE:

Thanks, friend.

AARON:

(SARCASTIC) I'm always giving women away.

DAVE:

(VAGUELY THREATENING) I don't know whether I like you or not.

AARON:

Well, have a dance with your wife, and talk about me. She thinks I'm swell.

DAVE:

(GRABS HIM BY THE SHIRT) Now, you listen here. I--

BETTY:

(PULLING HIM AWAY. ANNOYED) Oh, come on, Dave, don't be stupid!

ROY:

(BEAT. SHAKEN) Swell party.

AARON:

Peachy.

SFX:

CLINK OF ICE IN GLASS, AS HE DRINKS ... PAGE WALKS UP

PAGE:

Uh, have you seen Irene, Aaron?

AARON:

(SARCASTIC) She just took a plane to Kansas City to visit a friend, Page. Why?

PAGE:

Why, I-- I can't seem to find her. I wanna say goodnight.

AARON:

Well, I'll say it for you, Page.

PAGE:

Well, it-- it doesn't seem right to just walk out.

AARON:

Well, try it. You'll LOVE it.

PAGE:

Goodnight, Aaron.

AARON:

So long, Page.

PAGE:

(TO ROY) Uh, nice to have met you.

ROY:

Bless your heart. Nice to have met you.

SFX:

PAGE WALKS AWAY

PAGE:

(FADING) Good night.

ROY:

(STRETCHING) Mmmm. (HIS BACK IS TIGHT) Ooh. (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Gosh! It's almost three-thirty.

AARON:

Shank o' the evening! Have another belt!

ROY:

No, no. I-- I don't think I'd better.

DAVE:

(APPROACHING. MENACING) Hey, you!

AARON:

Me?

DAVE:

Yeah. You made a crack a while back here, I didn't like.

AARON:

("NOT AGAIN") What crack did I make that you didn't like, Dave?

DAVE:

You said--

BETTY:

(PULLING HIM AWAY. ANNOYED) Oh, come on, Dave; you're being silly.

DAVE:

Ehhh... We better get outta here. Get your coat!

BETTY:

Yeah, you come with me, and get yours too. (UP) Goodnight, Roy. Goodnight, Aaron.

AARON:

(SARCASTICALLY AIRY) Toodle-oo!

ROY:

Er, uh, goodnight, folks!

SFX:

DAVE & BETTY WALK AWAY

AARON:

(BEAT) Well. (SIPS DRINK) Wouldn't be a party if somebody didn't get mad, and make a pass at somebody's wife, would it?

ROY:

(CHUCKLES) Always-- always seems to happen.

AARON:

(GRIM SMILE) C'est la vie.

ROY:

Oh, yeah, yeah...

AARON:

M-hm.

SFX:

COLLECTS GLASSES

AARON:

And now... we settle down to some serious business.

ROY:

Hm?

AARON:

(CAUSTICALLY) It's called "riding out the storm". (GRIM SMILE) Have a belt, buddy.

MUSIC:

LIGHT COMIC, WITH SLIGHT SCAMPERING ... INTO THE END OF A LUSH PIANO SOLO, THEN OUT

(THE ONLY ONES LEFT ARE IRENE, AARON, ESTHER, AND ARTHUR)

 

IRENE:

(APPLAUDING ARTHUR'S PIANO ARTISTRY) Oh, that's wonderful! Arthur, play "My Romance", please? For me, huh?

ARTHUR:

Oh, it's gettin' late, Irene.

AARON:

It's only six-thirty, Arthur. You're doin' swell.

ESTHER:

Arthur, that was your last song, and we're the last ones here.

IRENE:

But you CAME last.

ESTHER:

And we're going last.

IRENE:

Aw, no, no. No, no, no. Let's scramble some eggs, huh?

ESTHER:

I don't want any eggs. I wanna go home, and I wanna go to bed.

ARTHUR:

I'll tell you what, tell you what. Why don't we all go over to my place, and have breakfast?

AARON:

Why not?

IRENE:

We can eat here. I have plenty of things.

ESTHER:

Party's over. We'll pick it up again sometime.

IRENE:

One more piece, Arthur, please?

ESTHER:

Oh, come on, Arthur; you've had it for tonight.

ARTHUR:

Mm, it IS pretty late. Hmm.

IRENE:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh... dear. (IDEA) I'll make some coffee!

ESTHER:

Don't bother.

AARON:

Anybody got a cigarette?

ESTHER:

(TO ARTHUR) Come on, boy.

ARTHUR:

Yes, dear.

SFX:

HE WALKS TO IRENE

IRENE:

(DEEP BREATH) We-e-ll.

ARTHUR:

Well, this is goodnight, Irene.

IRENE:

(LITTLE LAUGH)

ARTHUR:

Nice to have met you, uh, Aaron.

AARON:

It's been jolly.

ARTHUR:

It has.

ESTHER:

Come on!!!

SFX:

THEY WALK TO THE DOOR ... DOOR OPENS ... BIRDS CHIRPING, UNDER

AARON:

Dawn.

ESTHER:

Yeah. And we have to get up at eight.

IRENE:

Oh, no...

ARTHUR:

Goodnight, dear.

IRENE:

Goodnight.

ARTHUR:

Mm. (KISSES HER CHEEK)

ESTHER:

Goodnight.

IRENE:

Night.

AARON:

Ni-ight.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES ... BIRDS OUT

IRENE:

(BIG SIGH, RELEASING ALL THE STRESS OF HOSTING)

AARON:

(SMILING) I TOLD you I could outlast all of 'em.

IRENE:

(SMILING) You sure can. (SUDDENLY EXHAUSTED) Oh, I'm dead, Aaron. I'm just dead.

SFX:

SHE WALKS A FEW STEPS

AARON:

(SMILING) I know. Irene?

IRENE:

Yes, love?

AARON:

Why'd you do it?

IRENE:

What?

AARON:

(NOT AT ALL ANGRY) Wave all of those men under my nose, tonight?

IRENE:

I just had a party; that's all.

SFX:

WALKS A FEW STEPS

IRENE:

(YAWNS)

AARON:

Freddy... Page... this guy you used to go with in New York, Arthur... Why?

IRENE:

Oh, dear heart, let's not discuss it.

AARON:

I was pretty mad, all night long, ya know.

IRENE:

(SMILING) I know, dear. (CHUCKLING) You looked horribly intense and serious.

AARON:

You kept avoiding me.

IRENE:

I was the hostess. (YAWNING) Oh, look at this house.

AARON:

Irene, I-- (BEAT) Don't you want me?

IRENE:

Of course I want you.

AARON:

Then why this kind of thing? I might'a walked out, and never come back.

IRENE:

I know.

AARON:

I don't wanna go away from you. I wanna come to you.

IRENE:

That's good. (BEAT) I love you.

AARON:

Well?

IRENE:

(DEEP BREATH) All right.

AARON:

What?

IRENE:

(EXHALES. BEAT) It's my birthday.

AARON:

Your birthday??? Well, why didn't ya tell me? How old are ya?

IRENE:

(LITTLE SMILE) That's why I didn't tell anybody. People always wanna know how OLD you are. Besides, I didn't want you or anybody else to make a fuss about it.

AARON:

Oh, Irene...

IRENE:

I wanted to be a lady bachelor tonight, just to see what it was like. (CONSIDERS IT A MOMENT, THEN CHUCKLES) I liked it.

AARON:

(GRIM) Oh.

IRENE:

(SMILING) For ONE night.

AARON:

(UP) Oh?

IRENE:

I'm awfully tired, dear, with this terribly long party. (BEAT) I wish they'd all left at midnight. (BEAT) So I could have been with you.

AARON:

Hm?

IRENE:

There's nothing more disturbing than a warmed-over boyfriend.

AARON:

What about Page? He's new.

IRENE:

Don't worry about him, love. (YAWNS) I am SO tired. So bloody tired, I could die.

AARON:

Too much party.

IRENE:

Mm, yeah, I'm afraid so. (BEAT) I just happened to think.

AARON:

Hm?

IRENE:

I don't really like this kind of thing.

AARON:

Games?

IRENE:

M-hm. It's all so silly.

AARON:

I played along pretty well, don'tcha think?

IRENE:

Magnificently, dear.

AARON:

(CHUCKLES)

IRENE:

So jealous and so unhappy, all night long. You walked out three times.

AARON:

Twice.

IRENE:

Twice.

AARON:

Heh.

IRENE:

(BEAT) Why didn't you walk out when Arthur came in? You know, we had a big thing in New York, a couple of years ago.

AARON:

Too tired. Did I make ya happy, walking out?

IRENE:

Terribly, dear. Isn't that awful?

AARON:

Yeah. Kind of. I don't understand it.

IRENE:

(PONDERING) No, neither do I.

AARON:

I guess women have been doing this to men since the beginning o' time.

IRENE:

What?

AARON:

Oh, making sure everybody knows they're female. Like you were, tonight.

IRENE:

(BEAT. MYSTIFIED) Is that what I was doing?

AARON:

That's what you were doing.

IRENE:

Perils of love, Aaron.

AARON:

(LITTLE CHUCKLE) Yeah. I'M convinced, dear.

IRENE:

Are you?

AARON:

You're ALL woman.

IRENE:

Well!

AARON:

(CHUCKLING) And bless your heart.

IRENE:

(CHUCKLES)

AARON:

C'mere. (HE DRAWS HER INTO HIS ARMS) Here. See what I mean?

IRENE:

(MELTING) Oh, Aaron, I...

(THEY KISS)

 

IRENE:

(LITTLE SIGH) Wasn't it a WONDERFUL party?

MUSIC:

UP TO A DRAMATIC CURTAIN, WITH A PLAYFULLY SCAMPERING LITTLE FINISH