WILCOX:

The Johnson Wax Program with Fibber McGee and Molly!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

The makers of Johnson's Wax products for home and industry present FIBBER McGEE AND MOLLY, with Bill Thompson, Gale Gordon, Arthur Q. Bryan, Gene Carroll and me, Harlow Wilcox. The script is by Don Quinn and Phil Leslie; music by the King's Men and Billy Mills' Orchestra.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

WILCOX:

By now, you're probably through with your spring cleaning, and I'll bet your house is a picture. But how is it going to look a couple of months from now? Dirt does tend to come in and spoil your good work, doesn't it? Well, that's why you ought to make sure your home is wax-protected right now. Believe me, a coat of Johnson's Wax works wonders in keeping things shining clean. Polish your floors with Johnson's Wax and weeks from now they'll still have a mellow smooth wax luster. The only cleaning they'll need is a light dusting from time to time. That goes for your furniture and woodwork, too, and a hundred other things around your home. An occasional shining coat of Johnson's Wax not only gives everything it touches a lovely rich polish, it protects things against dirt and moisture, makes them easy to dust. Why not try this wonderful wax method of housekeeping? Wax makes your housework so much easier and nothing else gives you such a bright charming home for so little cost. Johnson's Wax -- paste, liquid, and cream.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

WILCOX:

Well, the handyman about the house is at it again. Yes, with a hammer in his hot little hand, and a bruise on his fat little thumb, he's fixing a few things--

SOUND:

WINDOW SHADE ROCKETS UP AND FLAPS NOISILY

WILCOX:

What was that?

McGEE:

(MATTER-OF-FACT) Window shade.

MOLLY:

(DRY) He's fixing it.

WILCOX:

Oh. ... Well, as I was saying, the handyman is at it again as we join FIBBER McGEE AND MOLLY.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... McGEE HAMMERS SHADE INTO PLACE

McGEE:

Ah. There.

SOUND:

TESTS SHADE WHICH ROLLS UP AND DOWN

McGEE:

It's fixed now.

MOLLY:

For good?

McGEE:

For good.

MOLLY:

Good.

McGEE:

Took me a while to get around to it, but now that I've did it, I--

MOLLY:

Please now, McGee. Not, "I've did it"; say, "I have done it."

McGEE:

Yeah, but you ain't the one that done it. ... I done it myself, and now that I've did it, I don't--

MOLLY:

McGee.

McGEE:

Huh?

MOLLY:

Have you taken a peek at your English lately? Why, it's terrible.

McGEE:

What do you mean, my English is terrible? I'm the only guy at the Elks' Club that can spin a cue ball hard enough to make it change direction in the middle-- Oh! Oh, you mean my talkin' English.

MOLLY:

Why, sure. ... Your grammar. You're getting very careless.

McGEE:

I am?

MOLLY:

Sure. For instance, you know it isn't correct to say "ain't."

McGEE:

Yeah, but you know what Will Rogers said. "A lot of people that ain't sayin' ain't, ain't eatin'." ... And I'm eatin', ain't I?

MOLLY:

Just the same, dearie, it's a bad example. Children hear you and repeat what you say. You know, grown people have to set an example.

McGEE:

Well, maybe you're right, kiddo. I'll watch it after this.

MOLLY:

Good.

McGEE:

After all, I studied English in high school and I ain't the type guy that he forgets everything that he ever--

MOLLY:

Watch it, now. ...

McGEE:

Oh. Oh. Oh. I say, I'm not the type of individual whom upon graduation relegates his education--

SOUND:

WINDOW SHADE ROCKETS UP AND FLAPS NOISILY

McGEE:

Dad rat that dad-ratted window shade! ... If that ain't exasperatin'. I thought when I fixed that I done a good job, but that's the bummest job I ever did.

MOLLY:

Oh, McGee, that's awful.

McGEE:

I know it is. The spring don't catch good. And it ain't ever gonna catch good if somethin' ain't done. Shoulda went to the hardware store and brung home a new spring and if I'd knewed this was a-happened that's what I woulda did. ...

MOLLY:

McGee.

McGEE:

Huh?

MOLLY:

Will you please repeat that sentence?

McGEE:

Sure. I said, I shoulda went to-- I should have gone to the hardware store and brung home-- Brought home--

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES)

McGEE:

My gosh. Huh. I are getting kinda sloppy, aren't I? ... Maybe I better go to night school this summer. Let 'em learn me good English all over again.

MOLLY:

Teach you.

McGEE:

Yeah, I certainly am gettin' careless.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) You don't have to go to night school. I'll keep checking you.

McGEE:

Oh.

MOLLY:

And I have a book on correct usage around here someplace. Maybe Lena knows where it is. (CALLS) Lena?! Oh, Lena?!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

LENA:

I think I know exactly the book you mean, honey. Isn't that the one that's called, "Lay That Adverb Down, Babe" -- or, "Who Threw the Infinitive in Mrs. Murphy's Predicate?"? ...

MOLLY:

That's the one, Lena. Mr. McGee wants to read it. He's having a little trouble with his participles.

LENA:

Oh, the poor man. You know, my father had trouble with his participles and they finally had to operate. ...

McGEE:

What'd they think he had, Lena?

LENA:

Three hundred dollars. ...

MOLLY:

No, what did they operate on him for?

LENA:

Two hundred and seventy-five. ...

McGEE:

Now, we're gettin' off the subject, Lena. I want to read this book because my wife thinks my grammar needs repairing.

LENA:

Well, it's awful important to speak good English, Mr. McGee. What if you should want to go to England sometime? Gosh, you'd feel awful if you just had to point at things you wanted.

MOLLY:

Like the crown jewels or something.

LENA:

Yes. You know, my brother was going to Ireland once and he studied Garlic for six weeks before he went. ...

McGEE:

Not Garlic, Lena. In Ireland they speak Gaelic.

LENA:

He knows that now, Mr. McGee. ... But, you know, for six weeks nobody could get close enough to him to tell him. ...

MOLLY:

Did, uh--? Did he like Ireland, Lena?

LENA:

Well, he had a pretty rough time in Dublin, honey. You see, he owns a big citrus grove in Arizona, and when they asked him what did he do for a living, he told them he was an orange man. [(AUDIENCE REACTS, THEN APPLAUDS MILDLY TO THIS REFERENCE TO IRELAND'S PROTESTANT "ORANGE ORDER")] He raises walnuts now. ... (MOVING OFF) Well, I'll try and find your book for you, honey.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... [APPLAUSE FOR LENA]

McGEE:

Well, I'd better get this window shade fixed again, Molly; I can't have that thing scaring the bejunior out of everybody. Now, let's see--

SOUND:

McGEE HAMMERS SHADE

MOLLY:

I think you'll be glad you brushed up on your grammar, dearie. It'll help you socially, too.

McGEE:

Well, believe me, baby. From now on, I watch my language. I ain't gonna-- I mean, I ain't-- I mean-- I'm not going to permit myself ever again to lapse into vulgarity.

MOLLY:

That's my boy.

McGEE:

(CHUCKLES)

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) I know you can do it if you try.

McGEE:

Ah, sure I can. I'll bet you anything you want to bet that I don't say "ain't" again today.

MOLLY:

Well, people told me when I married you that I was a born gambler, so I'll just take that wager.

McGEE:

Good. Five bucks, huh? From the first one that says "ain't."

MOLLY:

Five dollars it is.

McGEE:

Yeah.

MOLLY:

I'm going out and help Lena find that book of grammar.

McGEE:

Okay.

MOLLY:

(MOVING OFF) You can't get started on this thing too soon, you know.

McGEE:

Okay, tootsie. (CHUCKLES) Ah, there goes a good kid. She thinks I don't know the difference between good grammar and bum grammar. (CHUCKLES) And I don't think I do, either. ... As long as she don't think I don't think I know I think what she thinks I don't--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

McGEE:

Come in, thank goodness.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

TEENY:

Hi, mister.

McGEE:

Oh, hello there, Teeny.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... [APPLAUSE FOR TEENY]

TEENY:

(GIGGLES)

McGEE:

To what, my dear, must we attribute the honor of this unexpected visitation?

TEENY:

Well, I was-- You feel okay, mister? You talk kinda funny.

McGEE:

(CHUCKLES) Well, perhaps your little ears aren't accustomed to the sound of good grammar and perfect English, sis. For your information, I have resolved to forgo vulgarity in my speech. I'm kickin' the friction out of my diction.

TEENY:

Oh, gee, that's dandy, I betcha.

McGEE:

Yep.

TEENY:

My teacher, Miss Yeagley, says that slang may be picturesque, but it's too quickly the refuge of the uneducated. ...

McGEE:

Yeah? Well-- Oh. (CHUCKLES) She did, eh?

TEENY:

Mm hm. And she-- Hm?

McGEE:

I said, "She did, eh?"

TEENY:

Did what?

McGEE:

She said that.

TEENY:

Said what?

McGEE:

What you said!

TEENY:

Who?

McGEE:

Your teacher, Miss Yeagley!

TEENY:

I know it. That's exactly what she said, I betcha. She says literate persons rarely utilize slang.

McGEE:

That's right, that's right. Your teacher's cookin' on the front burner now, sis. She's hep. As a matter of fact, I got a little bet on with my wife, sis, that I'll never say "A-I-N-T" again. I bet her five bucks.

TEENY:

I'm pretty good in grammar, too, I betcha.

McGEE:

Yeah?

TEENY:

You know the eight parts of speech, mister?

McGEE:

(CHUCKLES) Are you kiddin', sis? Ha ha. That's elementary. My gosh, any dumbbell knows the eight parts of speech. Lungs, vocal chords, throat, tongue, teeth ... teeth, lips, cheeks, and if you talk like I do, the nose. ...

TEENY:

Oh, that isn't right, I betcha.

McGEE:

No?

TEENY:

No. It's verb, adverb, noun, pronoun, adjective, interjection, conjunction, and preposition.

McGEE:

(CHUCKLES) Hey, maybe I'd better write those down. Let me see now. (TO HIMSELF) Verse, adverse, noun, adnoun, injection ... confusion, objective, and proposition. ... (TO TEENY) Thanks very much.

TEENY:

Aw, don't mention it, mister. (GIGGLES) Oh, boy, are you ever in trouble.

McGEE:

Yeah?

TEENY:

I could give you one other little tip that would help you a lot, too, I betcha.

McGEE:

Yeah?

TEENY:

Our teacher told it to us.

McGEE:

Well, spill it, sis; spill it.

TEENY:

It's a little trick, and our teacher says if you learn it real good you won't hardly ever make any mistakes in grammar at all, I betcha.

McGEE:

No kiddin'? Well, gee whiz, come on, let's have it. What do I have to do?

TEENY:

(GIGGLES)

McGEE:

Huh?

TEENY:

Well, first you close your mouth real tight.

McGEE:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what?

TEENY:

That's all. Just hold it. ... Can't go wrong. So long, mister.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... [APPLAUSE FOR TEENY]

McGEE:

Still think that kid's a midget.

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA STARTS TO PLAY "I BELIEVE"

WILCOX:

Billy Mills and the Orchestra and "I Believe."

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "I BELIEVE"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MOLLY:

Well, are you getting any value out of that grammar book, McGee?

McGEE:

Not much. No pictures in it. Heh. Just words.

MOLLY:

Well, I suppose it would be just as helpful if I correct you now and then. You won't mind, will ya?

McGEE:

Mind? I should say not, baby. Any time my adverbs come loose, you just give me a swift boot in the conjunction.

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS) ... Very well.

McGEE:

But, I say, my dear, I don't suppose one's use of an occasional colloquialism is of sufficient importance to disqualify one?

MOLLY:

How's that again, dearie? ...

McGEE:

I was referring to idiomatic expressions, my dear. The minor variations of language to be heard in geographically separated communities; constructions typical of definite localities. ...

MOLLY:

Look, sweetheart, let's call the whole thing off, will ya?

McGEE:

No, no, no. I'm serious about this, kiddo. I realize I've been careless with my language. I'm making a genuine effort.

MOLLY:

Well, all right. But if I'd known what I was getting into, I'd never--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

McGEE:

Enter!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MOLLY:

Oh, it's Dr. Gamble, McGee. Hello, doctor.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

DOC GAMBLE:

Good day, my dear. (TO McGEE) And how are you, smudgepot? ...

McGEE:

Smudgepot, sir? I trust you will not take it amiss, dear doctor, if I should point out the use of slang by a person of education is an indication of deterioration. To an individual of professional eminence, the utterance of gutter expressions is somewhat appalling. ...

DOC GAMBLE:

May I sit down? ...

MOLLY:

Pray do, doctor.

DOC GAMBLE:

I had a patient, once, who talked like that -- a professor. He had six university degrees and was shot while playing the piano in a beer garden. ...

McGEE:

Well, it was jolly good of you to stop in, doctor. Molly, leave us have some tea and sandwiches.

MOLLY:

"Let us," McGee.

McGEE:

Yes, leave us have some lettuce sandwiches. ... And a spot of tea, too.

MOLLY:

Would you like some tea, doctor? It won't be a bit of trouble.

McGEE:

Very stimulating, old chap. Quite a tonic. Full of tonic acid, you know.

DOC GAMBLE:

It's tannic acid. And will you please stop yammering like a stock company Englishman? Molly, I have seen this tenderized ham strike more poses than a Gus Sun acrobat.

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS)

DOC GAMBLE:

But this one has me baffled. Who does he think he is today, Lord Eager Beaverbrook?

McGEE:

Oh, come now, my good medico.

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS)

McGEE:

Surely, when one makes a conscious effort to improve oneself, leave us give a little credit to him.

DOC GAMBLE:

What were those last words again?

McGEE:

I said, "Leave us give to him a little credit."

MOLLY:

You shouldn't say, "Leave us," McGee.

DOC GAMBLE:

Oh, yes, he should. And I think I will. Good day, folks.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... [APPLAUSE FOR DOC GAMBLE]

McGEE:

I say something wrong?

MOLLY:

Yes, pet. "Leave us do this or that," is not correct.

McGEE:

Huh?

MOLLY:

It should be, "let us," or, "allow us," or, "permit us."

McGEE:

Oh, I see. Well, anyway I haven't said that certain word.

MOLLY:

You mean--?

McGEE:

A-I-N-T.

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS) I know. And I'm proud of you, McGee. If everybody was--

SOUND:

WINDOW SHADE ROCKETS UP AND FLAPS NOISILY

McGEE:

Dad rat that dad-ratted window shade. If that isn't the most exasperating thing. ... I thought I had that fixed. I done it four times and I--

MOLLY:

You did it four times.

McGEE:

Yeah, I did it four times. And if anybody thinks I'm gonna spend all my time messin' around with a screwdriver and a hammer tryin' to fix it, then--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

WILCOX:

Hello, Molly. Hiya, pal.

MOLLY:

Hello, Mr. Wilcox.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

McGEE:

Good day, my boy.

WILCOX:

The door was closed, so I walked right in. ...

MOLLY:

Uh, we'd-a left it open, but you mighta thought we were out. ...

McGEE:

That's the silliest conversation I ever heard. ... And I've heard plenty of 'em in twelve years.

MOLLY:

Anything on your mind, Mr. Wilcox?

WILCOX:

Not a thing, Molly, not a thing.

McGEE:

Nice of you to stop in, my boy. Have a cigar.

WILCOX:

No, thanks, pal, I've got one.

McGEE:

You got two? Thanks. ... I'll smoke it after dinner. Well, what do you think of the crisis in Indochina, old chap? Do you think the territorial aims of the provincial government will predominate the military spearhead? Or is it your opinion that certain powers will subsidize a mandate? Or neither?

WILCOX:

What are you talking about? ...

MOLLY:

He's just exercising his English, Mr. Wilcox. This is "Be Kind to Participles" week around here.

McGEE:

I decided I was talking much too sloppy.

WILCOX:

Well, I wish you luck, pal. There's nothing like good grammar to make an impression on people.

MOLLY:

My very words, Mr. Wilcox.

McGEE:

Yeah, but you can get into trouble with ordinary words, too.

WILCOX:

How's that?

McGEE:

Well, remember, Molly? Remember that little town of Belle, back in Illinois?

MOLLY:

Belle?

McGEE:

Yes.

MOLLY:

Belle, Illinois. Oh, sure I do. Where they have the hat factory.

McGEE:

Yeah, yeah. Made wonderful hats down there. Sold like hotcakes. In fact, they went so fast that everybody used to say that things went like a hat outta Belle. ... [APPLAUSE FOR THE SPOONERISM] Ordinary words, but I always got spanked for sayin' 'em. ...

WILCOX:

I see what you mean. Well, I've got to be pretty careful with my speech, too, you know. Minute I make a mistake, Racine shoots me a telegram that curls my hair.

MOLLY:

So that explains it. I always thought you had a natural wave, Mr. Wilcox. ...

McGEE:

I don't believe I ever heard you pull any bum grammar, junior.

WILCOX:

Oh, I did once. Long time ago.

McGEE:

Yeah?

WILCOX:

It was awful.

McGEE:

Mm hm?

WILCOX:

I said something about how Johnson's Wax is the finest protection that money can buy for floors, furniture, and woodwork.

McGEE:

Nothin' wrong with that.

WILCOX:

No. And then I said, "It not only imparts a brilliant luster that resists dust and dampness, but gives your home an atmosphere of hospitality and friendliness."

MOLLY:

What was wrong with that?

WILCOX:

Well, nothing so far. But listen to this.

McGEE:

Uh huh.

WILCOX:

I said, "For time- and labor-saving protection, for the sparkling beauty that increases the pride of possession and gives new values to your worldly goods, use Johnson's Wax always."

McGEE:

(BEAT) Where was the bad grammar?

WILCOX:

In the next line.

McGEE:

Oh. ...

WILCOX:

When I said, "Use Johnson's Wax on your floors, furniture, woodwork, leather goods, window sills, enamel surfaces, to always have an inviting home." Get it?

MOLLY:

No.

WILCOX:

I split an infinitive.

McGEE:

Noooo.

WILCOX:

I said, "to always have" instead of "always to have," or "to have always."

McGEE:

(GRAVELY WOUNDED) Oh! ... Waxy, this is terrible. ... I'm surprised at you.

WILCOX:

But, pal, I was only--

McGEE:

That's enough! That's enough. The water is under the dam. ...

MOLLY:

But, dearie, he said that was a long time ago.

McGEE:

Please, my dear. He has abused our hospitality. Anybody that would split an infinitive would steal the silverware. ...

WILCOX:

(DOWN) I know. I agree with you, pal. And you know what I'm gonna do?

MOLLY:

Steal the silverware?

WILCOX:

No. Go home.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... [APPLAUSE FOR WILCOX]

MOLLY:

Wasn't that a little harsh, dearie? Splitting an infinitive is not a hanging offense, you know.

McGEE:

Well, I'm not the type guy that is too quick to always condemn a man. I'm just--

MOLLY:

Yeah, but you just split one yourself.

McGEE:

What? I did? My gosh, is it that easy? I've been too hasty with Harlow, I guess.

MOLLY:

Well, I hope he forgives you.

McGEE:

Yeah.

MOLLY:

Otherwise we'll never see him again. At least, till next Tuesday. ... Pull that shade down again, will you, McGee?

McGEE:

Sure.

MOLLY:

It looks terrible.

McGEE:

Sure.

SOUND:

PULLS SHADE DOWN

McGEE:

Well, it looks like you wouldn't win that bet, eh, kiddo? I haven't said that word.

MOLLY:

No, and Mother's proud of you. I never thought you could do it.

McGEE:

Ha ha. Oh, my English is okay when I stop to think. It used to bother me when I was a young fella, but it never gives me no trouble now. ...

MOLLY:

Never gives me any trouble, McGee.

McGEE:

You either? Well, it shouldn't bother nobody if they just stop to-- ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

MOLLY:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MOLLY:

Oh, McGee, it's Mr. Wimple. Come in, Mr. Wimple.

McGEE:

Hi, Wimp.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

WIMPLE:

Hello, folks. ... [APPLAUSE FOR WIMPLE]

MOLLY:

Have a chair, Mr. Wimple.

WIMPLE:

No, thank you, Mrs. McGee. I - I can't sit down.

McGEE:

Too busy, Wimp?

WIMPLE:

No. Too bruised, Mr. McGee. Sweetie Face -- that's my big old wife -- Sweetie Face spanked me this afternoon. I was - I was naughty. ...

MOLLY:

Heavenly days, Mr. Wimple, she actually spanked you?

WIMPLE:

Yes. But I fooled her. (CHUCKLES) I stuck my bird book in the back of my britches. ...

McGEE:

Your what, Wimp?

WIMPLE:

My bird book. After my spanking, I found that two blackbirds, a bobolink and a blue jay were badly battered. ...

MOLLY:

But, uh, what brought this all on, Mr. Wimple? What'd you do?

WIMPLE:

Oh, I guess I was a little bit mischievous, Mrs. McGee.

McGEE:

Yeah?

WIMPLE:

(CHUCKLES) I - I never should have put that turtle in her girdle. ...

McGEE:

My gosh, Wimp, you put a turtle in her girdle?

WIMPLE:

Yes. (CHUCKLES) I didn't know it was the one she was going to wear this morning.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) Where'd you get the turtle, Mr. Wimple?

WIMPLE:

Well, a friend of mine sent it to me, Mrs. McGee. He borrowed my car for a long trip and several days later I got a package and a letter that said, "Dear, Wallace. Your car turned turtle. Take good care of it. Regards, Charlie." (CHUCKLES) Wasn't that ridiculous? And when the mailman delivered it, he made a terrible mistake.

McGEE:

What did he do, Wimp?

WIMPLE:

Well, he was just handing me the package when Sweetie Face walked in, and the mailman said, "Maybe your mother would like to sign for it, sonny." ...

McGEE:

Ohhh.

WIMPLE:

Oh, that was bad.

McGEE:

(LOW) That was bad.

WIMPLE:

A pall was cast over the whole room.

MOLLY:

Really, Mr. Wimple?

WIMPLE:

Yes. Paul. That's our mailman's name. Well, goodbye. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... [APPLAUSE FOR WIMPLE]

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA STARTS TO PLAY "AIN'T WE GOT FUN?" ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

The King's Men and "Ain't We Got Fun?"

KING'S MEN:

(SINGING) Every morning and every evening, ain't we got fun?
Nooooo money. Oh, but, honey, ain't we got fun?

The rent ain't paid, dear. We ain't got a bus.
Nooooo,
But smiles were made, dear, for people like us.

In the winter and in the summer, ain't we got fun?
Times are bummer and getting bummer, ain't we got fun?

Ain't nothing surer,
The rich get rich and the poor get children.
In the meantime and in between time, ain't we got fun?

[TEMPO CHANGES AND BARBERSHOP-STYLE CLOSE HARMONY]

In the morning, in the evening, A-I-N-apostrophe-T, ain't we got fun?
In the winter, in the summer, A-I-N-apostrophe-T, ain't we got fun?

In the winter, in the summer, ain't we got fun?
Times are bum and growing bummer, ain't we got fun?

Ain't nothing surer,
The rich get rich and the poor get children.
In the meantime, we'll be cozy.
Everything will be so rosy,
After everything is said and done.
The word is "Haven't"! -- we got fun?

MUSIC:

OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

McGEE:

Hey, Molly?

MOLLY:

Yes, dearie?

McGEE:

There's still a lot of things about grammar and English that I don't understand.

MOLLY:

Such as what?

McGEE:

Well, I'm writin' a letter to the House Committee of the Elks' Club, see?

MOLLY:

Yes?

McGEE:

I'm puttin' in a complaint because last Wednesday and last Thursday while I was sleeping in a chair, somebody give me a hotfoot. Both days.

MOLLY:

So?

McGEE:

Well, I don't know if I should say "Somebody give me two hotfoots" or "two hotfeet." ...

MOLLY:

Well, that's simple, dearie. Just say, "Wednesday, I was given a hotfoot, also Thursday."

McGEE:

Oh, good, that's the way I'll--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

MOLLY:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MOLLY:

Oh, it's Mayor LaTrivia. Good day, Your Honor.

LaTRIVIA:

Good day, Molly. Hello, McGee.

McGEE:

How do you do, Mr. Mayor? Decent of you to stop by, you know? One is always glad to welcome one's old friends when one's old friends drop in - on one. ...

LaTRIVIA:

(CLEARS THROAT, UNCERTAINLY) How true.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) ... If "himself" here seems a bit stuffy today, Mr. Mayor, don't worry about it. He's improving on his English.

LaTRIVIA:

Really? That's very interesting, McGee.

McGEE:

Yeah, and I can do it, too. Lots of dumber guys than I am have learned theirself grammar. ...

LaTRIVIA:

Taught themselves, McGee.

McGEE:

How could they have taught themselves if they hadn't learnt theirselfs first? ...

MOLLY:

Very good point, dearie.

McGEE:

As a matter of fact, I and Molly have got a little bet on, LaTriv. Five bucks from the first one that says A-I-N-T.

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES)

LaTRIVIA:

Well, I wish you both luck. I remember I had a little trouble in school with English myself.

McGEE:

You did, LaTriv?

LaTRIVIA:

Yes. Somehow or other I couldn't seem to keep my tenses straight.

MOLLY:

Your what, Mr. Mayor?

LaTRIVIA:

My tenses.

McGEE:

(LAUGHS) Oh, you don't mean "tenses," boy. You mean "tents." Tent is singular, you see, and the plural is "tents."

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. No wonder you had trouble with your English if you went around talking that way.

McGEE:

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I suppose you read bookses, smoked pipeses, and drank Cokeses all day. ...

LaTRIVIA:

I beg your pardon. I merely said that I had--

MOLLY:

Say, what were you doing with a tent in school anyway, Your Honor? ... Playing Indian?

McGEE:

He was probably in military school, Molly.

MOLLY:

Oh. ...

LaTRIVIA:

I was not in scilitary mool.

McGEE:

Hm?

LaTRIVIA:

Eh, military school. The tenses I had trouble with were not tents to live in. They were--

McGEE:

The tent was never built that was fit to live in, LaTriv. ... I 'member the trouble we had with them pup tentses in the First World War. ... The Big War. ...

MOLLY:

(CHUCKLES) Pup tents were the ones where you slept with your head out in the rain and your dogs in the tents, weren't they? ...

McGEE:

Yeah, they were so--

LaTRIVIA:

Please, please. I'm not talking about pup tents. I simply meant--

McGEE:

Don't matter what kind you meant, LaTriv; they're all trouble. (MANGLES THE LINE) I mind one time the pole fell down in on the mess tent.

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS)

McGEE:

Right at chow time, the pole fell down in on the mess tent. ... Of all the messes I've ever saw, that mess in the mess tent was the worst messed-up mess I ever-- ...

LaTRIVIA:

No, no, no, please. Please. This is ridiculous.

MOLLY:

It is?

LaTRIVIA:

Yes. Let me start all over.

MOLLY:

Go ahead, Your Honor. It'll probably come out the same way, but try it. ...

McGEE:

Sure, we'll go along with you, boy. We're game.

LaTRIVIA:

All right. Now, when I was in grammar school, some of my English exercises gave me a little trouble.

MOLLY:

Made you sore, did they? ...

LaTRIVIA:

Did what make me sore?

McGEE:

The exercises you took in English. What were they, settin' up exercises? Maybe you're muscle bound, maybe you got a charley horse, maybe--

LaTRIVIA:

I don't have a charley bound muscle horse!

McGEE:

Huh?

LaTRIVIA:

Er-- I didn't say anything about exercising tanvas kents--

MOLLY:

Well, you said--

LaTRIVIA:

Er, canvas tents. (EXPLODES, INSANELY) WHEN I SAID THE PAST TENSE--! THE - THE FAST PENSE--!

McGEE:

You said that--

LaTRIVIA:

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO PUP DOWN AT THE DRAG TENT! ... DRAGGED OUT OF THE PUP PENTS!

McGEE:

No!

LaTRIVIA:

TENTS! TENSE! I MERELY SAID MY PAST TROUBLE WAS A TOOSHER PENSES--! ...

MOLLY:

(LAUGHS)

LaTRIVIA:

(HALTINGLY, SLOWING DOWN) AND--! PENTS! I NEVER--! I--! YOU--! (PAUSE; VERY CALM) McGee? ...

McGEE:

Yes?

LaTRIVIA:

I'd like to know one thing.

MOLLY:

What is it, Your Honor?

LaTRIVIA:

How did he ever get--?

SOUND:

WINDOW SHADE ROCKETS UP AND FLAPS NOISILY

MOLLY:

Dad rat that dad-ratted shade! ... If that ain't the most exasperating--

McGEE:

Molly!

MOLLY:

What?

McGEE:

You said the word, Molly.

MOLLY:

Ohhhh.

McGEE:

You said A-I-N-T. Five bucks, please.

MOLLY:

Here you are and money well spent.

McGEE:

Huh?

MOLLY:

Oh, what a relief.

McGEE:

(LAUGHS) You ain't kiddin', kiddo. Here's your dough back. It ain't worth the strain. ...

LaTRIVIA:

Ain't it the truth?

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

You know, if you have a nice home or apartment, you like to keep it looking its best, don't you? It's the same with your clothes. You'd never dream of going around in a dress that was soiled and spotty. Then why is it that so many people let their automobiles get dirty and gloomy-looking? Now if it cost a lot of money and required a lot of hard work to keep it clean and shining, there might be some excuse for driving around in a dingy-looking car. But with Johnson's Carnu, well, car polishing is really quick and easy. Carnu both cleans and polishes in one quick application. Does two jobs at once. There just isn't any other car polish that's easier to use. You simply apply Carnu, rubbing only hard enough to loosen the road grime. Let it dry to a white powder, wipe it off, and in no time your car will be spotless with a bright shining polish to be proud of. Why not take a tip from millions of other enthusiastic car owners, and clean and polish your family bus with quick-polishing Johnson's Carnu this week? Carnu is spelled C-A-R-N-U. Johnson's Carnu, a really swell car polish.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

McGEE:

You know somethin', Molly? I been checkin' my grammar against this book. And I'm a very superior guy.

MOLLY:

Well, good for you.

McGEE:

You betcha. This book lists forty common errors that most people make at some time or other.

MOLLY:

And?

McGEE:

I got sixty-seven so far that I make every day. I'm way above the average.

MOLLY:

Well, fine.

McGEE:

Good night.

MOLLY:

Good night, all.

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN IN BG

WILCOX:

This is Harlow Wilcox speaking for the makers of Johnson's wax products, for home and industry, inviting you to be with us again next Tuesday night. Good night.

NBC ANNCR:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

FADES OUT ... THEN NBC CHIMES