MUSIC:
ORGAN ... OPENING THEME
ANNOUNCER:
And now, get ready to smile again with radio's home folks, VIC AND SADE, written by Paul Rhymer.
[COMMERCIAL OMITTED]
ANNOUNCER:
Well, sir, it's late in the afternoon as we approach the small house halfway up in the next block now, and here in the living room we find Mrs. Victor Gook all by herself. Mrs. Gook is established in her husband's easy chair, her sewing basket in her lap. We are untutored in such manners, but we're inclined to believe she's embroidering initials on napkins. However, we're probably mistaken, because-- Oh, wait a minute, here's a voice. Listen--
RUSH:
(OFF) Mom?
SADE:
Hey! Don't you be comin' in that front door with your muddy feet.
RUSH:
(OFF) I'm not.
SADE:
Go 'round to the back.
RUSH:
(OFF) I ain't comin' in at all. (BEAT) Whatcha doin'?
SADE:
Sewin'.
RUSH:
(OFF) Why don'tcha come outside? Rain's over. Sun's shinin' now.
SADE:
Well, don't stand there holdin' the door open.
RUSH:
(OFF) [It's] nice out.
SADE:
Is it?
RUSH:
(OFF) Sure is. C'mon out on the porch.
SADE:
Oh, I'm busy.
RUSH:
(OFF) It's real swell out. Bring your sewin' and come sit in the swing.
SADE:
Any mail in the box?
RUSH:
(OFF) No. (BEAT) Ya comin'?
SADE:
Well, I might as well take a look at this sunshine you're talkin' about.
RUSH:
(OFF) No foolin', it's warm as toast.
SADE:
What time is it?
RUSH:
(OFF) Not quite three o'clock.
SADE:
Well-- Wait'll I get my sweater.
RUSH:
(OFF) Oh, you won't need your sweater, Mom.
SADE:
Certainly will.
RUSH:
(OFF) Naw.
SADE:
Well, I'm gonna put it on just the same.
RUSH:
(OFF) This is August, Mom.
SADE:
Mm. August, when it pays a person to watch their step. Air is cram-packed full o' sickness.
RUSH:
(OFF, CHUCKLES) That's what you say about every month in the year. Take it in spring, summer, fall, or winter, ya always tell how the air is cram-packed fulla--
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS) Well, let's go, if we're goin'.
RUSH:
Let's take advantage of the porch swing while we can.
SADE:
Why?
RUSH:
Because the porch swing season is short, and it won't be long before we'll be takin' it down and puttin' it in the basement--
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS) Close the door.
RUSH:
It'll stay there 'til next year.
SOUND:
SCREEN DOOR CLOSES
SADE:
Say! It is warm.
RUSH:
What'd I tell ya?
SADE:
Wasn't anywhere near like this this noon.
RUSH:
Thermometer's been climbin' steadily up the ladder all day.
SADE:
Well, last night's paper stated risin' temperatures, but I never expected this much of a change.
RUSH:
Me neither. Have a seat.
SOUND:
THEY SIT IN PORCH SWING
SADE:
This is gettin' to be an awful junky-lookin' porch swing.
RUSH:
Next year we can slap on a coat of paint.
SADE:
Yeah, we'll probably buy a new one. Half the slats on it are loose.
RUSH:
You and me and Gov are the types of individuals that give a porch swing rough treatment.
SADE:
You mean you're the type of individual that gives a porch swing rough treatment. Me and Gov don't invite our friends over to hang by their heels on it.
RUSH:
I suppose you refer to Smelly Clark.
SADE:
I refer to the whole bunch of ya.
RUSH:
I guess I have to admit I belong to a pretty red-blooded active set of fellas. My arteries pump away with energy--
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS) There goes Mr. Kryder.
RUSH:
Huh?
SADE:
Got his little quarter's worth of steak from Croucher's meat market.
RUSH:
(AMUSED) How do ya know?
SADE:
Gets a little quarter's worth of steak every evenin'. Cooks it himself and eats it himself.
RUSH:
[It'd] pay him to buy it in the bulk.
SADE:
(CHUCKLES)
RUSH:
Makes me think of a scheme as figured out by Rooster Davis.
SADE:
(BEAT) Hmm?
RUSH:
He's gonna go in the restaurant business, see?
SADE:
(BEAT) Mm.
RUSH:
Specializin' in bacon sandwiches.
SADE:
(BEAT) Mm.
RUSH:
Sellin' nothin' but bacon sandwiches.
SADE:
(BEAT) Mm hm.
RUSH:
On the corner of Jefferson and Main Street.
SADE:
(LIGHTLY) Oh, go ahead and tell what you're gonna tell! Don't just say one sentence at a time and then wait 'til I answer. Mis' Elder's got that habit. Gives a person the willies.
RUSH:
Eugene Partlow's got the worst habit I know of. He'll strike up a conversation with ya and tell a story or somethin', and then won't give you a chance to tell a story.
SADE:
Ah, Mis' Appelrot'll do that, too.
RUSH:
The other day I saw Eugene in Tatman's vacant lot--
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS) There goes Mr. Clark.
RUSH:
Uh-huh.
SADE:
Got his little umbrella up.
RUSH:
Wonder why. The rain stopped.
SADE:
He carries it to keep off the sun. He had sunstroke one time and 's been scared of it ever since.
RUSH:
Yeah?
SADE:
He always wears tennis shoes on account of that, too.
RUSH:
Because he got sunstroke?
SADE:
Mm-hm. When he was a young man workin' on a farm, he keeled over from the heat. Affected his ankle some way. Had to wear tennis shoes ever since to be comfortable.
RUSH:
Funny place to get sunstroke, the ankle.
SADE:
Yeah, but - that's the way it is.
RUSH:
(BEAT) Pretty nice sittin' here in the porch swing, huh?
SADE:
Lovely day, all right.
RUSH:
Ain't ya glad I called ya out?
SADE:
(CHUCKLES, DRY) Never was so happy in my life.
RUSH:
(AMUSED) Thought you'd pass a sarcastic remark, huh?
SADE:
Yeah.
RUSH:
(MERRILY) That's okay. I like to see a streak of fun in an individual's makeup. The way I look at it, an American citizen oughta always--
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS) Mis' Simmons.
RUSH:
Huh?
SADE:
Mis' Simmons, turnin' off on Kelsey.
RUSH:
Uh-huh.
SADE:
She's got her little girl.
RUSH:
(SUDDENLY RECALLS) Oh, I was tellin' you about Eugene Partlow and how he won't give ya a chance in the conversation. The other day I got talkin' with him up in Tatman's vacant lot, and he whipped out a story concernin' a big fish, as caught by his Uncle Verneel. When he got through and I said "That's fine," I started to tell about a big fish. But do you think he'd let me? No, sir, he plowed right ahead with a story about another big fish as caught by his Uncle Hook.
SADE:
Oh, that's Mis' Appelrot to a T. And if a person does get a word in edgeways, she don't listen.
RUSH:
Uh-huh.
SADE:
Ya can tell by the expression on her face she's just waitin' for ya to get through so she can go ahead again.
RUSH:
Mm hm-hm.
SADE:
(BEAT) Guess I don't really need this sweater, at that.
RUSH:
Shall I help ya slip it off?
SADE:
Noooooo, I'm gonna leave it on. People shouldn't take chances in August. The air seems balmy, but ya can't ever tell. Take our next-door neighbor there in Dixon, Mr. Slither. He went out one mornin' to get the newspaper in his undershirt. Come back in the house, give a sneeze, went to bed, and stayed there for six weeks.
RUSH:
(LAUGHS)
SADE:
Wasn't the least bit funny. They were poor people and he did piecework in a foundry, and I remember that sick spell ate up everything they had in the bank. My mother used to take hot dishes over a lot.
RUSH:
No, but that sure was quick work. Just give one sneeze, huh, and then went to bed?
SADE:
Yup.
RUSH:
Ya sure somebody didn't shoot him in the head with a revolver?
SADE:
(BEAT, QUIETLY PRIM) Things like that ain't to be joked about, son. (BEAT) There goes Mr. Uggers.
RUSH:
Got his little rake to rake the leaves with.
SADE:
(POINTEDLY) When you gonna get at our leaves?
RUSH:
Oh-- Saturday, maybe.
SADE:
(DRY) Yes, and on Saturday you'll come around with monstrous big plans about nine innin's of baseball over in Tatman's vacant lot, and the leaves'll stay right where they are.
RUSH:
I think maybe I can arrange my schedule so I'll have a few minutes to devote to rakin'.
SADE:
Take a lot more'n a few minutes.
RUSH:
Well, we'll see.
SADE:
I'll say we will.
RUSH:
Years back, in my younger days, I useta get quite a kick outta autumn leaves. I useta enjoy runnin' through 'em.
SADE:
Oh, Aunt Bess and I useta do that. One day we were runnin' through piles of leaves and Aunt Bess tripped over a pig that was asleep in one of 'em and--
RUSH:
(INTERRUPTS) Oh! I didn't finish telling you-- (APOLOGETIC) Go ahead.
SADE:
You didn't finish what?
RUSH:
Tellin' you about Rooster and the bacon sandwiches. But go ahead with your story. Aunt Bess tripped over a pig, huh?
SADE:
Yeah.
RUSH:
What happened?
SADE:
Well, that was all. She fell down and was scared and the pig run away squealin'.
RUSH:
They tell me pigs'll eat people.
SADE:
Yes, I understand they will.
RUSH:
Be a very miserable way to die, wouldn't it?
SADE:
Yeah.
RUSH:
Kinda embarrassing.
SADE:
(GIGGLES) Uh-huh.
RUSH:
(CHUCKLES) Newspaper states, "Mr. Ray Johnson of this city passed away yesterday as a result of bein' eaten by a pig--"
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS, AMUSED) Oh, Rush! For goodness' sake--
RUSH:
(CHUCKLES) Well, heck.
SADE:
(BEAT) Ain't that the little Rogers girl across the street?
RUSH:
It's one of 'em.
SADE:
She's got her tam o' shanter on.
RUSH:
Uh-huh. (BEAT) Certainly a swell day, ain't it, boy?
SADE:
Yup. By tonight there might be a thunderstorm come up.
RUSH:
I doubt it.
SADE:
You can't ever tell about August weather that way. Why, one time there in Dixon it come up a hail storm so big that the whole town was covered with hail a foot deep! I remember--
RUSH:
(INTERRUPTS) Oh! I never told ya 'bout--
SADE:
Huh?
RUSH:
I still haven't told ya about Rooster Davis and the bacon sandwiches.
SADE:
Well, tell it.
RUSH:
Go ahead with what you were tellin'.
SADE:
Well, that's all there was to it. One time in Dixon durin' what looked like a calm summer day it come up a hail storm to where the ground was covered a foot deep.
RUSH:
Very remarkable.
SADE:
What about Rooster and the sandwiches?
RUSH:
He's gonna start a restaurant.
SADE:
(BEAT) Uh-huh.
RUSH:
In this restaurant, he's gonna sell nothin' but bacon sandwiches.
SADE:
(BEAT) Hmm.
RUSH:
Gonna deal in bacon sandwiches exclusively.
SADE:
(BEAT) Hm.
RUSH:
Restaurant's gonna be right downtown.
SADE:
(BEAT) Uh-huh.
RUSH:
Corner of Main and Jefferson Street.
SADE:
(AMUSED) Oh-h-h, there ya go again!
RUSH:
How ya mean?
SADE:
Well, instead of tellin' a thing and finishin' it, you just say one sentence at a time and make a person answer.
RUSH:
(LAUGHS) Oh.
SADE:
What about Rooster and his bacon sandwiches?
RUSH:
Well, he's gonna have a live pig out in back of the restaurant, see?
SADE:
Uh-huh.
RUSH:
And whenever a customer comes in and orders a bacon sandwich, Rooster steps outdoors with a knife and cuts off a piece of bacon.
SADE:
(BEAT) Cuts it off the pig?
RUSH:
Sure. All bacon comes from pigs.
SADE:
Well, I know that, foolish. What's the point?
RUSH:
The point is that the pig's alive.
SADE:
(BEAT) Well?
RUSH:
The pig is given ether and chloroform, so it won't hurt. A chunk of bacon is removed. A trained nurse steps forward, and nurses the pig back to health and strength. He eats his dinner and gets fat, makin' more bacon. Another customer wants a sandwich, so Rooster again puts this pig to sleep with ether and chloroform, and again cuts off a chunk--
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS, DISGUSTED) Ohh!
RUSH:
(AMUSED) Sure! See, all ya need is one pig. He don't lead a very gay life of it, what with bein' stabbed every little while--
SADE:
(INTERRUPTS, SHUSHING HIM EMPHATICALLY) Ish!
RUSH:
Huh?
SADE:
Ish.
RUSH:
(CHUCKLES, QUIETLY) Okay.
SADE:
(BEAT) Here comes Mr. Foster on his bicycle.
RUSH:
Uh-huh.
SADE:
He's got his dinner bucket tied to his handlebars.
RUSH:
Yeah.
SADE:
(BEAT) Well, I'm goin' in the house.
RUSH:
Aw, why, Mom?
SADE:
Well, I got things to do.
RUSH:
(BEAT) Well-- Been a pleasant chat.
SADE:
(YAWNS) Yeah.
MUSIC:
ORGAN ... JAUNTY CURTAIN
ANNOUNCER:
Which concludes another brief interlude at the small house half-way up in the next block.
[COMMERCIAL OMITTED]
ANNOUNCER:
And so we leave Mrs. Beach and Crisco's VIC AND SADE until the next time. Don't forget to listen.
MUSIC:
ORGAN ... CLOSING THEME
ANNOUNCER:
This is Ed Roberts speaking.