MUSIC:

DRUM ROLL ... ESTABLISH THEME, THEN OUT

ANNCR:

Our play this week concerns the trials and tribulations of one Dr. "Irish" Stewart, a character I think you're going to like. And our star is a young man with experience on stage, screen, and radio. One Mr. John Newland, a character I know you're going to like. And now, here's our director, Les Mitchell.

LES:

And here's our star, Mr. John Newland. John, after the performance you turned in, several weeks ago, opposite Virginia Bruce, we've been looking forward to your appearance as a full-fledged star.

JOHN:

Thanks, Les. You've been very kind, and, believe me, I appreciate your encouragement.

LES:

Well, John, any encouragement I've given is certainly well-deserved.

JOHN:

I hope my performance will justify it. I like the play, and I hope our audience will like me as Irish.

LES:

I'm sure they will, John. And I'm equally sure that they'll want to hear more about you, after the play.

JOHN:

I'll be Johnny-on-the-spot, Les.

LES:

Fine. And now... Curtain going up... Places, everyone... Curtain!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN UP

LES:

The curtain is up, and here is the play.

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO, THEN ROMANTIC ... ESTABLISH, THEN OUT

IRISH:

It's a very strange thing. Everything happens to me.

MUSIC:

UNDER

IRISH:

A resident doctor, in a regular hospital, has normal accident patients. You know, the kind that want to get well and get out of the hospital. But does that happen to me? Not on your life! Maybe I should have known I was headed for trouble, when the ambulance brought them in, and the reports said that the boy had crashed into an embankment when he leaned over to kiss the girl.

MUSIC:

OUT

SFX:

IRISH POURS SEDATIVE POWDER INTO GLASS OF WATER, AND STIRS IT, UNDER. IT BUBBLES.

IRISH:

But little did I suspect what was going to happen, when I mixed that sedative for the pretty girl.

CAROL:

(MOANING DAZEDLY)

IRISH:

Drink this, Mrs. Goober. It'll take away that ache.

CAROL:

(MOANING) Oh... Oh, my head... Ooh, I hurt all over. (DEMANDING) What happened to me?

IRISH:

Come, Mrs. Goober... sit up. (HELPS HER SIT UP)

CAROL:

(MOANS)

IRISH:

Drink this while it's still bubbling.

CAROL:

Thank you. (DRINKS, SHUDDERS AT THE TASTE) Ooh! Oh, dear. That's awful!

IRISH:

That's a good patient. I'll take the glass.

CAROL:

(MOANS, THEN DEMANDS) Where am I? Wh- who are you?

IRISH:

You're in the Northern Hospital, Mrs. Goober. I'm Dr. Stewart, the resident physician.

CAROL:

Well, what happened to me, Doctor? (NOTICES HIM) Doctor?? You look... awfully young, for a doctor.

IRISH:

Mm. So they tell me. Well, everyone else in the building calls me Irish. If you like that better than "Doctor", fire away.

CAROL:

W- what happened? How did I get here?

IRISH:

Don't you remember? You were in an automobile accident. But don't worry; you're not badly hurt. Just bruised. A little rest, and you--

CAROL:

Accident??? Wh- who? How?

IRISH:

You ARE mixed up, aren't you? You were driving along the Henry Hudson Parkway with your husband, Mrs. Goober, and as far as anyone--

CAROL:

Driving with my WHAT??? Mrs. WHO???

IRISH:

Your husband. But don't worry about it. He'll be all right. You were both--

CAROL:

Oh, no.

IRISH:

What's the matter, Mrs. Goober?

CAROL:

No. I- I'm not married. I have no husband. That's what's the matter. A- a- and that- that awful name you're calling me. I- it isn't mine!

IRISH:

Not yours? But there's a wedding licence in your baggage, that--

CAROL:

Well, I don't care what you found in-- In WHAT baggage?

IRISH:

The baggage you and Mr. Goober had in the car.

CAROL:

(FUMING) GOOBER! I don't know what you're talking about! I'm not married to anybody!

IRISH:

(TESTY) You're not? Then, what were you doing surrounded by rice and bags, with a sign on the back of the car saying "JUST MARRIED"? And your wedding ring--

CAROL:

I haven't any--

IRISH:

...is in the hospital safe with the rest of your valuables. Tell me, if your name isn't Goober, what is it?

CAROL:

Now, don't you get your Irish up at me, Irish-- er, Doctor. And don't call me by that- that name again! For heaven's sakes, I oughtta know my own name, I guess! It's- it's- er... (BLANKS) er... (BLANKS)

IRISH:

(GENTLY) Well?

CAROL:

Well, it's silly, it's... (QUIETLY) For the moment, I can't think... what my name is.

IRISH:

Can't think of your name? And you really don't remember any accident?

CAROL:

No, I don't. (SCARED) Oh, dear... What's the matter with me?

IRISH:

Now, don't get frightened. It's nothing serious. It's not a bit serious.

CAROL:

But what IS it?

IRISH:

Well, I can't be sure yet. Look, you rest. I'm going to the next room, and have a talk with your husband. Uh, with the man who was--

CAROL:

Was he really in an accident with me?

IRISH:

Yes, he really was.

CAROL:

Honest? He was?

IRISH:

Honest. Our ambulance picked you up from your red car.

CAROL:

Ohhh... (BEAT. GETTING ANGRY) Well, then he must have kidnapped me! My head hurts too... He probably dragged me by the hair!

IRISH:

Now, Mrs. Goober, don't go getting upse--

CAROL:

Don't you "Goober" me! You "Goober" him! He must have drugged me. I'll bet his head doesn't hurt! You call the police!

IRISH:

Now, please, you mustn't excite yourself--

CAROL:

Goober indeed!

IRISH:

Just relax, and- and try to remember. I'll- I'll be back later.

SFX:

HE WALKS QUICKLY TO THE DOOR, UNDER

CAROL:

(CALLING AFTER HIM) You ask him who I am! He's a kidnapper! I want the police! I want him hanged!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... HE STEPS THROUGH ... DOOR CLOSES

IRISH:

(SOTTO) Oh, brother.

SFX:

SLOWLY WALKS INTO NEXT ROOM, AND OVER TO BILL'S BED

IRISH:

(SOFTLY) Mr. Goober? Bill Goober? Awake?

BILL:

(MOANS IN PAIN)

IRISH:

Now, easy does it.

BILL:

(MOANING) What the heck hit me?

IRISH:

Don't get up. Just relax, now. You... you were in an accident, but you're going to be all right.

BILL:

Accident? What accident?

IRISH:

Your car hit an embankment on the West Side Highway. It's a wreck, but you and your wife are pretty well-off.

BILL:

Well, I'm glad that we're-- WHAT? Me and who???

IRISH:

Your wife. Mrs. Goober.

BILL:

My wife??? Look, Doc, you got the wrong guy. I'm not married.

IRISH:

(TESTY) You're not? Oh, now, look, I can take a joke as well as the next man--

BILL:

(TESTY) Yeah, and can dish 'em out too! I tell ya, I'm a single man.

IRISH:

I'm trying to help you folks, but unless you co-operate, I'll have to put this matter in the hands of the police.

BILL:

Police? What for? Is it a crime not to be married?

IRISH:

Ehh, there's something fishy about all this. People in passing cars say that you leaned over to kiss your wife while driving, and ended up against an embankment. Your car's loaded with luggage, there's a wedding licence--

BILL:

(LAUGHING) That happened to me? Doc, you're crazy.

IRISH:

For heaven's sakes, can't I get any help out of either one of you? Don't YOU remember it either, Mr. Goober?

BILL:

Mr. WHO?

IRISH:

Goober. You are Bill Goober, aren't you?

BILL:

Well, certainly not. I knew you had the wrong guy. Goober? (CRINGES) Ooh. That's not my name.

IRISH:

What the devil do you mean?

BILL:

Well, just what I said. You've got the wrong man.

IRISH:

Oh, I have, have I?! Tell, me, mister, if your name isn't Goober, what is it?

BILL:

My name is Ha... (BLANKS) It's... (BLANKS) Hey. I can't remember.

IRISH:

What???

BILL:

(WORRIED) I- I've forgotten it. But it's not Goober. It couldn't be! Gosh, I... I don't get this.

IRISH:

You don't get it? Well, I get it, but I'm not sure I believe it.

BILL:

Whatta you mean?

IRISH:

You and your wife, you've both got amnesia!

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO INTO COMIC MYSTERIOSO TRANSITION, THEN OUT

BILL:

Doc... This thing I've got, amnesia, is it bad?

IRISH:

No, Mr. Goober. Just a temporary loss of memory, due to your injuries. You'll get over it. Just stay in bed here, and rest.

BILL:

I- I will remember then?

IRISH:

Certainly. You'll recover fully. Just a matter of time. We, uh, need your co-operation, of course. You see, this case is, well, to put it mildly, is uh, it's unusual.

BILL:

W- whatta you mean, unusual?

IRISH:

Well, you and your wife have both got the same ailment. It's very rare. I've never heard of it happening before.

BILL:

Look, Doctor, did you really find a wedding licence?a- and Goober, and all that?

IRISH:

Yes, we did.

BILL:

(GETTING ANGRY) All right, then, I can't remember, but that woman, the one who says she's my wife, she's faking! She must be! Get the truth out of her, Doc!

IRISH:

Oh, for heaven's sakes...

BILL:

How'd she ever manage it?

IRISH:

Manage what?

BILL:

Trick me into marrying her!

IRISH:

She did no such thing! As a matter of fact, in her present condition, she thinks YOU kidnapped her.

BILL:

What??? That's a lie! She's faking, I tell you! What's she got to forget? She trapped ME, didn't she? (IDEA) Wait. Ha! It won't stand up.

IRISH:

What won't?

BILL:

Goober. I can get it annulled. She married me under a fake name!

IRISH:

Please, slow down! Before you go to court, try to remember something, will you?

BILL:

How'd she manage it? Oooh... (IN PAIN) Oh, my head. It's splitting. (IDEA) That's it. She slugged me.

IRISH:

Holy cow...

BILL:

(ANGRY) Sneaked up behind me, and slugged me! She musta been desperate. Why, when I get my hands on her, I'll--

IRISH:

Now, now, calm down! This is bad for you.

BILL:

(IN PAIN) Oh... All right, all right. (IDEA) Ah! Now I see it! She married me for my money.

IRISH:

What money? Do you remember something?

BILL:

No. But she must have. Why else do this?

IRISH:

(FRUSTRATED) Oh, what's the use? We'll trace you through your property. I'd better clear out of here now. This... this is a fine kettle of fish!

BILL:

Well, what's the matter?

IRISH:

Matter??? (REGAINS CONTROL) Uh, nothing. You- you rest, and try to remember now. I'll be back. But, uh, if we don't clear this up quick, I have a feeling I'm going to need a doctor!

MUSIC:

LIGHT COMIC TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT

SFX:

DR. BURNS & MOTHER, WALKING IN CORRIDOR, UNDER

MOTHER:

Oh, it's so kind of you to show me the way to Dr. Stewart's office, Dr. Burns.

BURNS:

Oh, not at all. It was right on my way, and, after all, I'm very interested in your daughter's case. I've heard the staff discussing it. Quite remarkable, from a psychiatric point of view, you know.

MOTHER:

Oh, you're a psychiatrist! Oh, how wonderful! You know, I've always wanted to consult a psychiatrist. (BEAT) To watch him work. And now I'll have the chance.

BURNS:

Oh, but it's not my case, Mrs. Conway. It's Dr. Stewart's. Of course, I've worked with him before, and... if he would want me to help out, I...

MOTHER:

Oh, but I insist.

BURNS:

Oh, uh, here we are.

SFX:

WALKING STOPS ... KNOCKS ON DOOR OF IRISH'S OFFICE

IRISH:

(OFF) Come in.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... BURNS & MOTHER. WALK IN

BURNS:

This is Mrs. Conway, Dr. Stewart. (TO MOTHER) Dr. Stewart will tell you the facts of the case, Mrs. Conway. (POINTEDLY) I'll probably see you a little later.

IRISH:

You'll what?

SFX:

BURNS EXITS ... DOOR CLOSES

MOTHER:

I- I asked Dr. Burns to consult with you on the case. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Well, you- you don't mind, do you, Dr. Stewart?

IRISH:

Mind? (SLIGHTLY FORCED LAUGH) No, I'd like nothing better, Mrs. Conway. Uh, won't you sit down?

MOTHER:

Has there been any change since you called me, Doctor?

IRISH:

No, not a bit. They're both still in a fog.

MOTHER:

Goodness! I- I can't understand it. And they were so much in love, and on their honeymoon. Oh, it was such a beautiful wedding...

IRISH:

There's a good chance that seeing you will snap them out of it, Mrs. Conway. We'll go up as soon as they've come out of that sedative.

MOTHER:

Well, in- in the meantime, Doctor... Now, I wonder if you would help me. You see, I've been having the strangest symptoms lately--

IRISH:

On second thought, Mrs. Conway, it- it might be better if we woke them up. If they see you after a sudden awakening, it might do the trick.

MUSIC:

SLIGHTLY MYSTERIOUS COMIC TRANSITION, THEN OUT

MOTHER:

(GENTLY) Carol, darling? Don't you know me?

CAROL:

(WAKING UP) Hm? (BEAT) I- I'm sorry, I d... Irish, who is she?

MOTHER:

(TEARFUL) Oh, the poor...

IRISH:

(TESTY) It's your mother, Carol. That's who it is.

CAROL:

That's my mother? Oh dear, I'm awfully sorry, but I don't remember. I... I just can't seem to...

MOTHER:

(CRIES) Oh...

IRISH:

Now, Mrs. Conway, please. Tears won't help.

MOTHER:

(STOPS CRYING)

IRISH:

Yes. Now, that's better. Pull yourself together.

MOTHER:

(TEARFUL) She doesn't know me. My own baby, my Carol...

CAROL:

Are you sure you're MY mother?

MOTHER:

Oh, yes, Carol. Look at me, dear. You used to call me... Mommycakes. Remember?

IRISH:

Yes, that's it. Now, tell her things about the past.

CAROL:

Yes. Now- now, let me see...

IRISH:

Now, Carol, please try hard to remember.

CAROL:

Oh, but I feel so helpless. I DO try, honestly, but it's like, it's like trying to see through a stone wall.

MOTHER:

Now, remember Cape Cod, dear. A- and summers.

CAROL:

Summers...

MOTHER:

Yes. We always took that cottage at Point Independence. Now, your room upstairs had the hard mattress.

CAROL:

The hard one...

MOTHER:

You used to call it your "bed and board, all rolled into one".

CAROL:

Cape Cod... Mommycakes...? Bed and board...?

MOTHER:

(DELIGHTED BY THE MEMORY) And do you remember, darling, four summers ago, you met Bill on the beach? Cora Sue Miller introduced him to us.

CAROL:

She did?

MOTHER:

And when he- when he walked off with her, kind of looking back and smiling at you, you said to me, (CHUCKLING) "Oho! I could marry a man like that, if he asked me in a nice way."

CAROL:

(NERVOUS LAUGH, DRAWING A BLANK)

MOTHER:

(CHUCKLING) Oh dear, you were such a DEVIL about Bill!

CAROL:

Bill? Who's Bill?

IRISH:

Your husband. Bill Goober.

CAROL:

(FURIOUS) GOOBER! It's a lie! You're trying to fool me!

MOTHER:

Oh, Carol baby, I--

IRISH:

Carol, if you can't remember yourself, won't you take OUR word for it? This lady is your mother.

CAROL:

Oh, no! No!

MOTHER:

(TEARFUL) Oh, Carol...

IRISH:

Please believe us. The man in the next room is your husband.

CAROL:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh...

IRISH:

And Mrs. Conway is your mother.

CAROL:

Oh, she is not! No!

IRISH:

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, WHY NOT?!

CAROL:

Because. Because if she was really my mother, and my name ever was Conway, I'd never have been crazy enough to change it to GOOBER!

MOTHER:

(CRIES, UNDER)

IRISH:

And if I'd known I'd have a case like this, I'd never have been crazy enough to pass Pre-Med!

MUSIC:

ACT I CURTAIN

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO, THEN ROMANTIC ... ESTABLISH, THEN OUT

IRISH:

(GENTLY) Pull yourself together, Mrs. Conway. We'll see what luck you have with Bill. He's in this room.

MOTHER:

(TEARFUL) Oh dear, my poor children...

IRISH:

(GENTLY) Just open the door, and go on in alone. The sudden sight of you might snap him back. Now, go ahead. Walk right in.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... SHE WALKS IN ... DOOR CLOSES ... SHE WALKS TO BILL'S BED

MOTHER:

Bill? Willie?

BILL:

(WAKING UP) Hm? Why... (BEAT. RUDELY) Who are you?

MOTHER:

William, darling... Don't you know me?

BILL:

Know you? No, I... never saw you before in my-- (FURIOUS) Oh! YOU'RE the one! "Darling"??? Don't you "Darling" me, you- you old woman!

MOTHER:

Bill...

BILL:

I knew you'd turn out to look like this! Admit it, now, you tricked me! You tricked me into marrying you! I'd have been crazy to marry you of my own free will! You're old enough to be my mother!

MOTHER:

But Bill, darling, I- I'm not! I- I- I- I-

BILL:

Where's Dr. Stewart?! He said you were a beauty! I notice you weren't badly hurt in the crash; only me, the innocent party! What'd ya hit me with, a baseball bat???

MOTHER:

Bill, I- I- I'm not your wife! I--

BILL:

HA! You admit it! (CALLING) Doctor! Stewart! (TO MOTHER.) That's more like it. If you're not married to me, what'd ya go around telling everybody these crazy stories for? (CALLING) Doctor! (TO MOTHER) SHAME on you!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... IRISH WALKS IN ... DOOR CLOSES ... WALKS TO BED

IRISH:

(APPROACHING) What's all the yelling about?

BILL:

It's a hoax, Doc. She just admitted it. She's not my wife at all! Ask her!

MOTHER:

I haven't been able to get in a word.

BILL:

Go ahead! Tell him the truth!

IRISH:

Oh, no... (TESTY) How the devil did this get started? Of course she's not your wife! She's your mother-in-law!

BILL:

Then what did she-- What??? Mother-in-law??? I never laid eyes on her in my life!

MOTHER:

(TEARFUL) Oh, my poor children... my poor children...

BILL:

I- I'm sorry, ma'am, honest. I didn't realize-- Why, I've been so mixed up that I just naturally thought you-- Well, I- I just can't remember. I'm sure I'm not married! All of a sudden, I have a wife and a mother-in-law, and-- (BEAT) Hey. Have I got any children???

IRISH:

You were married the day of the accident.

MOTHER:

You were married in Boston. At my home. Reverend Sippily. Oh, you were both so happy!

BILL:

There's gotta be a way outta this. If I concentrate...

IRISH:

Yes, Bill, now try. Try as hard as you can.

BILL:

(LIKE AN INTERROGATOR) Wait. Look. What's my name, ma'am?

MOTHER:

(LOVINGLY) William.

IRISH:

(TRYING TO ESCORT HER OUT) Uh, come on, Mrs. Conway. There's--

BILL:

William WHAT?

IRISH:

(DESPERATELY) Mrs. Conway, I wouldn't--

MOTHER:

It's William Goober. Remember?

BILL:

(FURIOUS) That does it! GOOBER! Doc, she's in on it too! For herself, she picks a name like Conway! But it's GOOBER for me!

IRISH:

Here we go again...

MOTHER:

(CRIES)

BILL:

I'm NOT married, and I'm NOT crazy, and I'm not GOOBER, do ya hear me?! Now, get that woman outta here! I'm not Goober! I'm not! I'm not! I am NOT!

MUSIC:

COMIC XYLOPHONE TRANSITION, ENDING ON OMINOUS CHORD

BURNS:

Aha! So, you're out here, hiding out on her.

IRISH:

Now, look here, Everett, I have enough trouble without having--

BURNS:

Two amnesias in one family! It's remarkable.

IRISH:

(TERSE) You're getting in my way, Dr. Burns.

BURNS:

You forget, Dr. Stewart, I came on this case at the express request of the patient's mother. So we might as well co-operate.

IRISH:

Okay, Mastermind, I'll brief you. Neither of them recognize Mrs. Conway. They're each convinced the other one is faking. If they hear the name "Goober", they throw a fit. If they see each other, there's liable to be a murder. And to top it all, they're both fine kids.

BURNS:

Hmm... I've got an idea that might work. We'll try it on the girl first.

IRISH:

Even if it comes from YOU, I hope it works. I want to see some improvement there, and fast. (BEAT) I don't like the way she looks at me.

BURNS:

Mama or daughter?

IRISH:

Mrs. Goober is my patient.

BURNS:

And Mrs. Conway wants to be. You've got to coach me in the proper bedside manner sometime, dear boy.

IRISH:

Let's stick to the facts of the case.

BURNS:

Now, wait a minute. Maybe we can kind of play along with them. Here's what we'll tell them...

MUSIC:

HARP FLOURISH, INTO COMIC TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT

IRISH:

Carol? This is Dr. Edward Burns. He's a psy-- Uh, we've learned some interesting facts about your case.

CAROL:

How do you do, Doctor? I'm afraid I'm a very muddled patient.

BURNS:

Well, young lady, we've learned something that may interest you.

CAROL:

Oh?

BURNS:

Uh, the truth is, we found that you're not married at all.

IRISH:

No.

BURNS:

And your real name is...Mary Allen.

CAROL:

What? Not married?

BURNS:

No.

CAROL:

Uh, Mary Allen. Oh, that doesn't sound right either.

IRISH:

Oh, believe us, Carol, your name is Mary.

CAROL:

But I don't understand. How could you--

BURNS:

A terrible, vicious mistake, Miss, uh, Allen. The man in the next room is suffering from--

IRISH:

Dementia Hysteriosis, he's got.

BURNS:

Uh, yes. His whole story was fiction.

CAROL:

Oh, I see. And the woman who said she was my mother?

IRISH:

Nearsighted. She phoned this morning, to say the real Goobers are honeymooning in Florida.

CAROL:

(HAPPY) Oh. Well, thank goodness that's cleared up.

BURNS:

Now, all you have to do is rest and get well. With this silly problem gone, you'll be remembering in no time.

CAROL:

Mary Allen. It's a nice name, hm? What else about me?

BURNS:

Well, that's all for today. We'll tell you more, tomorrow.

CAROL:

Oh, thank you, Doctor Burns. You've made me happier than I can say.

BURNS:

Oh, that's quite all right, my dear.

SFX:

HE WALKS QUICKLY TO DOOR

BURNS:

(FADING) Uh, coming, Dr. Stewart?

IRISH:

Certainly.

CAROL:

(STOPPING HIM) Oh, uh, Irish? (SEDUCTIVE) Stay another minute, will you?

IRISH:

Well, I--

BURNS:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Oh, go ahead, Dr. Stewart. I'll wait in the corridor.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... HE STEPS OUT ... DOOR CLOSES.

IRISH:

Well... Miss Allen?

CAROL:

(SEDUCTIVE) Call me Mary. You used to call me Carol.

IRISH:

Well... Mary, then?

CAROL:

Irish... I'm awfully happy now. You know why?

IRISH:

Of course. Now you know your real name.

CAROL:

That too. But... really, because I'm not married, Irish.

IRISH:

Oh, of course.

CAROL:

(MIMICKING) Oh, of course. You're very formal with me, Dr. Irish Stewart.

IRISH:

Really, Carol-- uh, Mary. Dr. Burns is waiting. I've been in--

CAROL:

You know, I looked in the mirror today. I'm really a... kind of a pretty girl.

IRISH:

Of course you are, Car-- uh, Mary.

CAROL:

(SEDUCTIVE) And now we both know I'm not married.

IRISH:

We know no such-- I mean, you'll uh, you'll have to avoid decisions of things until you remember.

CAROL:

I see you're going to make me say it all, Irish. You coward. I know you like me. (CHUCKLES) I can tell.

IRISH:

That has nothing to do with anything! You... You relax. And behave yourself! And- and stop being so darned sweet and- and pretty all at once. It's... (FRUSTRATED EXHALE) Goodbye.

SFX:

WALKS QUICKLY TO DOOR, STUMBLING UNDER

CAROL:

(CALLING SEDUCTIVELY) I'll be waiting, Irish.

SFX:

OPENS DOOR ... RUSHES OUT ... CLOSES DOOR

BURNS:

Say, what happened to you?

IRISH:

You and your bright ideas. Now that she thinks she's single, Carol thinks she wants ME. Another minute, and she'd--

BURNS:

What happened? I- I mean, what did you do?

IRISH:

Do? What COULD I do? I retreated.

BURNS:

Oh, but look here, that was wrong, all wrong.

IRISH:

Wrong??? I tell you, another minute, and I'd have been the third corner of a triangle!

BURNS:

Now, look, when she comes out of this, she won't even remember you. The important thing is to make her happy. Set her mind at ease. It's the only way to bring on a cure.

IRISH:

Are you suggesting...?

BURNS:

Certainly. Now, go back in there, and tell her... oh, tell her whatever she wants to hear.

IRISH:

But I can't!

BURNS:

Unorthodox cases often require unorthodox treatment. It's the only way. You want to get rid of her, don't you?

IRISH:

Well... Okay.

SFX:

SLOWLY WALKS TO DOOR ... OPENS IT ... STEPS IN ... CLOSES IT

CAROL:

(DELIGHTED) Oh! Irish. You came back.

IRISH:

(TERSE) Obviously.

CAROL:

Come closer, Irish.

IRISH:

Now, don't excite yourself, Car- uh, Mary.

SFX:

WALKS SLOWLY TO HER, UNDER

CAROL:

You come right over and kiss me, Irish, or I'll jump out o' bed and kiss you.

IRISH:

(LIKE A TRAPPED CREATURE) Don't you dare!

CAROL:

Why'd you come back?

IRISH:

Because. You're... Because you... You're shameless, that's why! I couldn't... That is, well, you're- you're so...

CAROL:

(SEDUCTIVE) Sit here, Irish.

IRISH:

No! No.

CAROL:

Come on. Kiss me, you fraidy-cat. My heart's going like sixty. What else would you prescribe, Doctor?

IRISH:

I'm darned if I know. This never came up in medical school. I... I'd better get outta here!

CAROL:

(PLAYFULLY SEDUCTIVE) Nooo... Stay right here. You leave, and I'll... chase you in my bare feet!

IRISH:

You stay right in bed!

CAROL:

I warned you!

SFX:

SHE GETS OUT OF BED, AND CHASES HIM, UNDER

IRISH:

Carol! Get right back into bed!

CAROL:

(CORNERS HIM) Now! You big, white-coated baby, you'll kiss me, or I'll mow you down! I will. (KISSES HIM PASSIONATELY)

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BURNS:

(SLIGHTLY OFF, SHOCKED) Well! Dr. Stewart!

(CAROL & IRISH ARE SMITTEN)

 

CAROL:

Oh, darling... My darling Bill...

IRISH:

Oh, Carol, I... (BEAT) Who??? Did you say, "Bill"???

BURNS:

(SLIGHTLY OFF, STERN) Dr. Stewart!

CAROL:

(GASPS) You're NOT my Bill! How dare you kiss me?

SFX:

SLAPS HIM HARD

IRISH:

OW! Why, you remembered! You remember!

CAROL:

I remember WHAT? Don't you dare touch me! Where is my husband? What have you done with my husband?

BURNS:

(APPROACHING) I consider what he's done highly unethical and unprofessional. Really, Dr. Stewart! Making love to this woman! And her husband right in the next room!

IRISH:

You keep out of this!

BURNS:

This time, I've got you right behind the eight-ball, Dr. Stewart! I'm sure the board will be interested in a full report on--

IRISH:

Oh, go hide!

SFX:

CAROL RUNS OUT ... THEY FOLLOW HER, UNDER

IRISH:

(FADING) Carol! Carol, where are you going? Come back here!

CAROL:

You just try and stop me!

SFX:

SHE OPENS DOOR TO BILL'S ROOM

IRISH:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Carol, don't go in there! He may get violent!

BURNS:

Stop!

CAROL:

Bill? Bill? (SWEETLY) Bill? MY Bill. (TENDERLY) You're hurt.

BILL:

(BEAT) Who the heck are you?

CAROL:

Bill Goober, don't you dare NOT know me!

BILL:

(ICY RAGE) GOOBER... So YOU'RE the one!

CAROL:

Oh, put down that pillow, William Goober.

BILL:

(FURIOUS) GOOBER!

IRISH:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Bill, let go of that water-tumbler!

CAROL:

(PLAYFULLY SEDUCTIVE) Put those things down, Silly. It's me. It's Carol.

BILL:

You vampire, you! I'll show you! (SHE'S WRAPPED HERSELF AROUND HIM) Oof! (STRUGGLING) Doc, get her offa me!

BURNS:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) That's terrible! Separate them, Dr. Stewart!

IRISH:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) I don't know what I can--

CAROL:

Kiss me, Bill. It's Carol, honey. Give me a kiss.

BILL:

(STRUGGLING, SCARED) Let go of me! Help!

SFX:

CRASH OF PITCHER ON FLOOR

CAROL:

Clumsy. You dropped the pitcher. Bill, will you kiss me?

BILL:

(STRUGGLING) Will you please-- (SHE KISSES HIM LONG & PASSIONATELY. BEAT. HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY.) Mmmm...

CAROL:

(CONTENTED SIGH) Mmmm... (DEEPLY IN LOVE) Oh, Bill... Darling...

BILL:

(DEEPLY IN LOVE) Carol... Carol, baby...

CAROL:

(CONTENTED SIGH) Mmmm...

BILL:

What happened?

IRISH:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Dr. Burns, he remembers her! They BOTH remember!

BURNS:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Amazing!

CAROL:

(OUTRAGED) Really! Haven't you two doctors any other patients to see?

IRISH:

Oh! Yeah, sure.

BILL:

That's right. Mrs. Goober and I would ju-- (SHE KISSES HIM. DREAMILY) Oh... Mrs. Goober...

CAROL:

(DREAMILY) Oh... Mrs. Bill Goober. It's a wonderful name.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES ... DOCTORS WALK AWAY, UNDER

IRISH:

Well, that's that. Now, for some unfinished business. (STERNLY, TO BURNS) You've been getting in my way, my friend, and now I've got you alone in a nice, empty room. I think I'll remove you from practice for a few weeks.

BURNS:

Now, wait a minute...

IRISH:

Your patients are going to miss you, due to a regrettable, but unavoidable accident...

SFX:

BACKING BURNS INTO A CORNER, UNDER

BURNS:

(SCARED) Now, Irish, don't get your Irish up. I mean--

SFX:

BURNS DODGES HIM, AND STARTS TO RUN, UNDER

IRISH:

Come back, and stand your ground!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS SUDDENLY

BURNS:

(RUNS INTO MOTHER, IN THE DOORWAY) Oof! Excuse me; I've got to run. Emergency call.

SFX:

HURRIES AWAY

MOTHER:

Oh, how exciting! Irish, my dear boy, you know, I've just seen the children. And they owe it all to you! And, uh, now that you've done so well for them, I- I wonder if, uh, well, you see, I- I have these symptoms...

MUSIC:

UP WITH COMIC URGENCY, THEN CALMLY WEARY, UNDER

IRISH:

It's just like I said. Everything happens to me. See what I mean? No sooner did I get the newlyweds together again and contented with the name of Goober, than I had Mama and her symptoms. My only consolation was that I persuaded her to take her problems to a specialist... one Dr. Edward Burns. All of which should keep him out of my hair for a while, at least.

MUSIC:

PLUCKED HARP, INTO A COMIC FINALE, THEN OUT

ANNCR:

Now, here's our director, Les Mitchell.

LES:

And here's our star, Mr. John Newland. Believe me, John, your performance justified your star status.

JOHN:

Thanks, Les. I had a lot of expert assistance from my old friends and associates, the Lewises: Cathy and Elliott.

ELLIOTT:

Thanks.

CATHY:

Thank you. Les, didn't I hear you say something before the show, about briefing our audience on John?

LES:

(CHUCKLES) That I did, Cathy.

ELLIOTT:

In which case, as old friends and associates, we'll carry on with Operation Newland.

LES:

(CHUCKLES) Well, let's see. John, you've played roles in musicals and dramatic shows on Broadway, didn't you?

JOHN:

Yes, Les, and sandwiched in some radio work.

ELLIOTT:

And a brief stay at the American Academy, where he found that he learned more from practical experience than the study of Stanislavsky.

LES:

So, you went back to acting.

JOHN:

And the Army. I spent almost five years in the Service. Part of the time as a member of the Radio Unit that presented "Assignment: Home" and "Return to Duty".

ELLIOTT:

Then more stage work in summer theatre at Laguna, and finally, pictures.

LES:

Well, that about seems to cover your activities, John.

JOHN:

Completely, Les, and succinctly.

CATHY:

Oh, but you've left out the most important thing.

LES:

Oh? What's that, Cathy?

CATHY:

Well, really! (BEAT) His looks!

JOHN:

(BLUSHING) Oh, Cathy...

CATHY:

(PURRING) John is tall, tanned, and very attractive.

ELLIOTT:

Cathy, now wait a minute...

CATHY:

As a matter of fact, I'd say that his looks match his voice.

ELLIOTT:

Goodbye, Les.

JOHN:

Goodbye, and thank you, Cathy and Elliott Lewis.

LES:

Goodbye. And thank you, John Newland. And please come back and star for us again.

MUSIC:

THEME UP, ESTABLISH, THEN UNDER

ANNCR:

In the cast, you heard our star, Mr. John Newland, as Irish; Cathy Lewis as Carol; Elliott Lewis as Bill; Marjorie Bennett as the Mother; and Stanley Waxman as Dr. Burns. "Please Remember" was written by Norman Ober, and edited by Jerry Day. Produced and directed by Les Mitchell, who is here also as your host.

LES:

It's been a real pleasure bringing you our play "Please Remember", and we hope you'll be with us next week.

ANNCR:

Musical score was composed and conducted by Del Castillo. Be sure to listen each and every week, and hear such stars as Elyce Knox, co-starring with her husband, Tom Harmon, in a timely football story. Peggy Knudson, Jackie Cooper, and many other great actors in great stories, selected especially for them.??John Newland can be seen in the 20th Century Fox production, "Gentlemen's Agreement". Van Des Autels speaking.

MUSIC:

THEME UP, CONTINUES TO END