ANNOUNCER:

Lux presents Hollywood!

MUSIC:

LUX THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

The Lux Radio Theatre brings you Carole Lombard and James Stewart in "The Moon's Our Home." Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille!

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP AND OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

HOST:

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. I seem to remember telling a certain young lady a few years ago that she'd never get anywhere in pictures. I believe I said she didn't take herself seriously enough. Well, I've long since eaten those words about Carole Lombard. And tonight we bow low and welcome her to the Lux Radio Theatre on the arm of James Stewart, her co-star in the captivating comedy "The Moon's Our Home." Paramount gave it to the screen and we give it to you now as our prescription for raising your spirits at least one hundred percent. It's a madcap love story of two famous and rather temperamental people: one a screen star, the other a combination author and explorer.

I know you'll approve our casting of Carole Lombard and James Stewart for these parts, and we have a great respect for you who are out there beyond the footlights -- a great respect for your choice of plays and players, and your constructive criticism of this theater. And another thing we respect is your good opinion of Lux Flakes. What pleases me is that so many of you are self-appointed members of our research staff, because each week a large number of you tell us about some new use that you've discovered for our product. I'm sure you've all learned that you can depend on Lux Flakes, all except perhaps a very few who haven't tried it yet. And I hope those few will learn in the very near future. Say, the first thing tomorrow morning? But the first thing on this schedule now is to raise the curtain on Act One of "The Moon's Our Home," starring James Stewart as Anthony Amberton and Carole Lombard as Cherry Chester.

MUSIC:

BRIEF INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND HOST--

HOST:

On the lot at Paragon Studios stands the dressing room bungalow of Miss Cherry Chester, star of Paragon pictures. In the bungalow stands Miss Chester herself. She has a wild look in her eye and a vase in each hand. The lovely voice that has thrilled audiences throughout the world can now be heard all over the studio lot.

CHERRY:

(A TANTRUM) I won't! I won't! I won't!

SOUND:

CRASH! OF THROWN VASE

BOYCE:

Stop throwing things.

CHERRY:

I won't do it, do you hear me?! I won't!

SOUND:

CRASH! OF THROWN VASE

BOYCE:

(UNFAZED) You missed me, dear. You must be overtrained.

CHERRY:

(SUDDENLY CALM AND SYMPATHETIC) Oh, Boyce darling, I'm a beast. My own darling nurse who's taken care of me since I was a child -- I might have hurt you.

BOYCE:

There was a good chance of it.

CHERRY:

Oh, Boyce, if I ever did-- Oh, I'd blow my brains out.

BOYCE:

I know! And I'd have to tidy up afterwards. Now, sit down. We must discuss this calmly and sanely. Your grandmother demands that you come to New York at once.

CHERRY:

(UPSET AGAIN) Blast my grandmother! I'm sick of having Lucy van Steedan run my life! Why doesn't she leave me alone?!

BOYCE:

Because she's fond of you in her somewhat specialized way. And it worries her when you get mixed up with a lot of Egyptians.

CHERRY:

Oh, Boyce, Prince Ali's only one Egyptian; a very small one at that. Lucy ought to stop reading the gossip columns. They're too old for her.

BOYCE:

Listen to me. You know you've got to go to New York, Cherry.

CHERRY:

I am not going to New York! And don't call me that foolish name!

BOYCE:

Well, Sarah Brown, then!

CHERRY:

And don't call me that, either! I don't look like a Sarah.

BOYCE:

That's what you were christened. I was there when it happened. And Cherry or Sarah, you'll go to New York. Your grandmother gets her way; she always does.

CHERRY:

Well, this'll be a nice change for her because Baby's not going! For once in my life I'm going to do what I want to do!

BOYCE:

She asks very little of you.

CHERRY:

Only my right eye!

BOYCE:

(FRUSTRATED) Oh, dear! Sometimes I wish I had a nice restful job as a night nurse in a psychopathic ward!

CHERRY:

(SYMPATHETIC AGAIN) Oh, I know I'm awful, Boyce. But I'll be an angel from now on, I promise! An absolute angel!

BOYCE:

That's my good girl. Now run in and change your clothes. Hedda Manning from "Movie Universe" is coming to interview you.

CHERRY:

(ANOTHER TANTRUM) I won't be interviewed. I won't do it! I won't! I won't!

SOUND:

CLATTER! AS CHERRY PICKS UP A LAMP

BOYCE:

(STERNLY) Drop that lamp, my absolute angel!

CHERRY:

(INSTANTLY SUBMISSIVE) Oh ho. Oh, Boyce, you're wonderful.

BOYCE:

Put the lamp down!

CHERRY:

All right, darling.

SOUND:

CLATTER! OF LAMP SET DOWN

BOYCE:

That's more like it. Now go put on something that makes you look sweet and friendly.

CHERRY:

(ARCHLY) But I want to be aloof. I want to be mysterious.

BOYCE:

Don't try that. You're not Swedish. Now go get dressed and stop acting like an actress!

CHERRY:

But I am an actress, Boyce. First an actress, then a woman. My art comes before anything else.

BOYCE:

Save that for the interview, Sarah Brown. This is me you're talking to, not your press agent.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

BOYCE:

This is Miss Chester, Miss Manning.

MISS MANNING:

How do you do, Miss Chester?

CHERRY:

(ARCH, OVERSWEET) How do you do, Miss Manning? I'm so sorry that I kept you waiting. But the moments fly by on silvery wings when one is lost in Tolstoy.

MISS MANNING:

Oh? You're interested in literature, Miss Chester?

CHERRY:

Interested? Oh, there's nothing I like better than to hide away by myself with a book -- a good book. (PLEASED WITH HERSELF) Oh! Well, you may write that down.

MISS MANNING:

Thank you. But, frankly, Miss Chester, I'd like to do an article closer to the hearts of our readers. Like, er, love -- and marriage.

CHERRY:

Yes! That would be quite original. Love -- and marriage. Let me see. (A GRAND, ROMANTIC PRONOUNCEMENT) Marriage should be like a ski jump. Sudden, swift, reckless. Starting on the heights, leaping into the void, never knowing the end, never caring! Breathless, defiant, exhilarating!

MISS MANNING:

(IMPRESSED) I - I see what you mean.

CHERRY:

(EXHALES, ANOTHER BIG STATEMENT) And love. There's only one way I could fall in love. Not as Cherry Chester the actress, but as a plain ordinary girl. I could only fall in love with a man I didn't know, and who didn't know me. There should be nothing but us two: the man and the woman. No past. Perhaps no future. Just the magnificent present!

BOYCE:

(DISAPPROVAL AND DISBELIEF, TO HERSELF) Oh, my.

MISS MANNING:

(THRILLED) That's it! That's what I want! Oh, they're going to eat this up, Miss Chester!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AS HILDA ENTERS

HILDA:

Oh, miss?

CHERRY:

What is it, Hilda?

HILDA:

I'm - I'm afraid it's another telegram from your grandmother.

CHERRY:

(DROPS POSE, SAVAGELY) I thought I told you to take those telegrams and--! (CATCHES HERSELF, INSTANTLY SWEET AGAIN) Oh, thank you, Hilda, for bringing it to me. Just - just put it down.

HILDA:

Yes, miss.

MISS MANNING:

(TO CHERRY) Well, I - I mustn't take any more of your time. Thank you so much. (MOVING OFF) I know our readers will adore every word you've said.

CHERRY:

Goodbye, Miss Manning. Thank you.

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS AS MISS MANNING EXITS

BOYCE:

Well! If I recall your last interview, you were all for athletics. You hopped over a couple of fences to prove it. Romance was out, and you were wedded to the open air.

CHERRY:

That was the last interview. But, you know, Boyce, there's something in what I just said to that woman.

BOYCE:

Well, if there is, it certainly escaped me. Read your telegram.

SOUND:

TELEGRAM OPENED BEHIND--

CHERRY:

All that about falling in love with a man you don't know, and who doesn't know you. (HEARTFELT) Oh, that's romance!

BOYCE:

But not for you, darling. If I know you, he'll have to be--

CHERRY:

Boyce!

BOYCE:

What's the matter?

CHERRY:

This telegram! It's-- (CALLS) Hilda! Hilda, quick! (QUICKLY) Boyce, call the railroad station, get reservations to New York!

BOYCE:

But what--?

HILDA:

(APPROACHES) Yes, Miss Chester?

CHERRY:

Hilda, go home and pack everything! Everything! We're leaving for New York!

HILDA:

(IN A TIZZY) Ohhhhh!

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS AS HILDA EXITS

CHERRY:

Boyce, don't stand there as if you were painted on the wall! Do something!

BOYCE:

Do you mind explaining what this is all about? You'll find I understand English like a native.

CHERRY:

It's Granny! It's my own darling grandmother! She's ill. Maybe she's dying. Oh, I've got to get to her right away! (MOVING OFF, CALLS) Hilda, hurry! It's Granny!

BOYCE:

(MARVELS, TO HERSELF) Lucy Van Steedan. Hot or cold, she gets her way.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

BOISTEROUS CROWD CLAMORS FOR CHERRY'S AUTOGRAPH ... THEN IN BG

CHERRY:

(SLIGHTLY HARRIED) Oh, please, please. I can't sign all your books. I'd like to, but really I haven't time. Conductor, we should have left five minutes ago. What's holding this train?

CONDUCTOR:

Sorry, Miss Chester, we're waitin' for a guy named Anthony Amberton.

1ST VOICE:

Hey, Anthony Amberton's here!

2ND VOICE:

Anthony Amberton! Anthony Amberton!

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS EXCITEDLY AND MOST RUSH OFF ... A QUIET MURMUR CONTINUES IN BG

CHERRY:

(MILDLY ANNOYED) Well! That seemed to interest everybody. Who is this Anthony Amberton?

CONDUCTOR:

He's a writer.

CHERRY:

Movies?

CONDUCTOR:

Books. My wife reads herself to sleep with 'em.

CHERRY:

Oh. One of those writers.

CONDUCTOR:

Yeah. "Women of the Torrid Country" by Anthony Amberton. "Below the Equator" by Anthony Amberton. "Igloo Nights" by the author of "Malay, Day by Day." Just between you and me, he gives me a pain!

CHERRY:

Just between you and me, he gives me a bigger one!

BOYCE:

(APPROACHES) Come on, dear. I've just bought a book for you to read. "Astride the Himalayas" by Anthony Amberton.

CHERRY:

(MOVING OFF) Arrrgh! You, too?!

1ST VOICE:

(OFF) There he is! Grab him! Over this way, please!

SOUND:

CROWD SWELLS AND MURMURS EXCITEDLY, CLAMORING FOR ANTHONY'S AUTOGRAPH AS HE PUSHES THROUGH TO TRAIN

ANTHONY:

(VERY HARRIED) Now, please, please! Now, I can't! I've got to get on the train! Porter, where's my car?

PORTER:

(VERY CALM) Right this way, Mr. Amberton.

ANTHONY:

(TO CROWD) All right, excuse me! Not now, please! Now, I'll miss my train!

PORTER:

In here, sir.

ANTHONY:

(TO PORTER) Quick, will you get me out of this?

2ND VOICE:

Please, Mr. Amberton--

SOUND:

TRAIN DOOR CLOSES ... CUTS OFF CROWD CLEANLY

ANTHONY:

Whew!

PORTER:

Your compartment's this way, sir.

ANTHONY:

(DISGUSTED) Boy! Headhunters in the jungle, autograph hunters in Los Angeles -- savages everywhere! I - I've climbed Mount Everest, I've swum the Hellespont, I've crossed the Andes on a llama; I never went through anything like that before.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, TRAIN SLOWLY STARTS ... PICKS UP SPEED AND LEAVES STATION ... THEN MOVING TRAIN BACKGROUND

PORTER:

Right in here, sir.

SOUND:

COMPARTMENT DOOR OPENS

ANTHONY:

(RELIEVED) Oh, sanctuary!

PORTER:

Yes, sir. It certainly is nice to have you with us, Mr. Amberton. I'm a kind of explorer myself. I got as far as Honolulu one time.

ANTHONY:

(AMUSED, LIGHTLY) Oh, ya did, huh? Well, good for you. Well, we'll swap travelogues in the morning. Until then, I don't want to see a single soul, you understand? I'll have dinner in here.

PORTER:

Yes, sir. Uh, that time I's tellin' you 'bout in Honolulu--

ANTHONY:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, goodbye. (TIPS PORTER) And here, buy yourself a ukulele.

PORTER:

Yes, sir. Oh, we got another celebrity on board, Mr. Amberton -- Miss Cherry Chester.

ANTHONY:

"Cherry Chester"?! Well, nobody's named "Cherry Chester."

PORTER:

Well, she say she--

ANTHONY:

Well, what is "Cherry Chester," some kind of new soft drink or something?

PORTER:

No, sir. She's a movin' picture star!

ANTHONY:

Oh. Oh, well, I never go to pictures. Those marshmallow-faced movie stars make me sick.

PORTER:

Yes, sir.

ANTHONY:

(PONTIFICATING) Give me the simple primitive woman, the woman of long silences, consuming in love, enduring in marriage.

PORTER:

Yes, sir! Me, too.

ANTHONY:

(AMUSED) "Cherry Chester." Huh!

SOUND:

MOVING TRAIN BACKGROUND ... UP FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

CHERRY:

(AMUSED) Huh! "Anthony Amberton." Sounds like a hero in a costume picture.

BOYCE:

Let's see that book, dear.

CHERRY:

(SKEPTICAL) Anthony Amberton, the great adventurer. I'll bet he's lost without his hot water bottle. Anthony Amberton! He makes me sick.

SOUND:

THUMP! OF BOOK THROWN

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

TRAIN IDLES IN STATION ... DISTANT CROWD ON PLATFORM MURMURS ... KNOCK ON COMPARTMENT DOOR

ANTHONY:

Come in!

SOUND:

COMPARTMENT DOOR OPENS

HOLBROOK:

Hello, Anthony. Welcome to New York.

ANTHONY:

Hello, Holbrook. Nice of you to meet me. How are things in the publishing world?

HOLBROOK:

Just marking time till the next Amberton bestseller. Where's your luggage?

ANTHONY:

Oh, the porter took it. I'm waiting for that crowd to clear off the platform. I sort of wanted to sneak into New York quietly just for a change.

HOLBROOK:

Oh, but, Anthony, that crowd isn't here--

ANTHONY:

(INTERRUPTS) Yeah, don't tell me about crowds. It's been that way all across the continent. You know, it's a funny thing, isn't it? If I were still Samuel Smith, heir to the Smith Plumbing Supplies, they wouldn't even notice me. But now that I'm Anthony Amberton, the boy explorer-- Well, just look out there! Look at--

HOLBROOK:

Anthony, I, uh-- I'm afraid your devoted publisher is your only crowd.

ANTHONY:

Well, no-- But the headhunters-- Look, they're out in full force!

HOLBROOK:

Yes, but, you see, Cherry Chester came in on this train, too.

ANTHONY:

Who? Oh! Oh. That movie marshmallow, huh? Well, she probably lives on this sort of thing. I loathe women like that. (PONTIFICATING) Give me the simple primitive woman, the woman of long silences--

HOLBROOK:

Well, I'm only a publisher, but I'll see what I can do.

ANTHONY:

Oh. Yeah. Well, let's go -- as long as they aren't here to see me. Come on, Holbrook.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN ... CROWD CLAMORS FOR CHERRY ("There she is!" ET CETERA) AS SHE PUSHES THROUGH

CHERRY:

Let me through, please! I can't stop now! Boyce, get me out of here; I've got to get home to Granny!

SOUND:

CROWD UP FOR A MOMENT ... THEN SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

CHERRY:

(AGITATED) Well, where is she? Where's Granny? Don't tell me I'm too late! I'll--

LUCY:

(IMPERIOUS) Well!

CHERRY:

(RELIEVED) Granny! Oh, Granny darling!

LUCY:

(STERN) Come here to me, Sarah Brown.

CHERRY:

Granny, why aren't you in bed?

LUCY:

Let me look at you. (DISAPPROVING) You're thinner. Well, we'll change that. Huh! You look fairly healthy, though.

CHERRY:

(PUZZLED) Yes, but you're the one that's ill, I believe.

LUCY:

I? I never had a sick day in my life!

CHERRY:

(REALIZES, AMUSED) Lucy! You - you old folkfisher, you!

LUCY:

(LAUGHS)

CHERRY:

(LAUGHS) Lucy, you're magnificent! I - I thought you were dying. That telegram--

LUCY:

(CHUCKLES, LIGHTLY) It was a dirty trick. But anything's fair when you want to see your granddaughter as much as I do.

CHERRY:

Oh, darling!

LUCY:

(MORE SERIOUS) Now -- what's all this I hear about you and that Egyptian prince, as he calls himself?

CHERRY:

Well, he's got a certain right to call himself one. He is a prince.

LUCY:

Don't quibble! What about it?

CHERRY:

Oh, the papers make so much of every little thing. All he wants to do is marry me.

LUCY:

Marry you?! I never heard of such a thing!

CHERRY:

Oh, Grandmother, you moderns!

LUCY:

You know what I mean! Answer me, Sarah Brown. Are you going to marry that - that camel failure?

CHERRY:

No, dear. Not for a while anyway. A million years or so.

LUCY:

Well, that's better. Now, there's just one thing more. No Cherry Chester of Hollywood is going to stay in this house. Look at you -- all powdered and painted. Your ancestors must be spinning in their graves. Now go upstairs and wash your face! And when you come down to dinner, I want to see my granddaughter -- plain Sarah Brown. Simply done hair. Simple dress. Everything simple.

CHERRY:

Simple? Lucy, I'll be positively idiotic. (CHANGES SUBJECT) What's for dinner besides food?

LUCY:

Oh, just a few old friends of the family.

CHERRY:

Whee! Paper caps and confetti!

LUCY:

Don't be absurd, dear. And I believe Horace is dropping in, too.

CHERRY:

(UNHAPPY) Horace? You mean cousin Horace?

LUCY:

Your third cousin Horace.

CHERRY:

(SUSPICIOUS) Oh. I think I'm beginning to understand. (SHARP) So that's your little plan, is it, Lucy?

LUCY:

(DEFENSIVE) Horace van Steedan is a monument of respectability.

CHERRY:

So's Grant's Tomb, but who wants to marry it?!

LUCY:

I said nothing of marriage.

CHERRY:

Not yet, you mean. You've been throwing Horace van Steedan at my head since he was ten and I was three -- and I won't marry him! I won't, I won't!

SOUND:

CLANK! AS CHERRY GRABS A VASE TO THROW

LUCY:

Put down that vase! Where did you ever learn such manners?

CHERRY:

In Hollywood!

LUCY:

Well, you're not in Hollywood now! Put it down!

SOUND:

CLANK! AS CHERRY PUTS DOWN VASE

CHERRY:

(INSTANTLY SUBMISSIVE) All right.

SOUND:

GENTLE KNOCK AT DOOR

LUCY:

Come in!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

HORACE:

Oh, hello, there.

LUCY:

Oh, come in, Horace. We were just talking about you.

HORACE:

Huh. Were you? (POLITE YEARNING) Hello, Sarah.

CHERRY:

(SICKLY SWEET) Hello, Horace.

HORACE:

Nice to see you again. Very nice indeed.

CHERRY:

(OVERDOING IT) Why, thank you, Horace. Thank you very much.

LUCY:

(STERN ADMONISHMENT) Sarah! (CHUCKLES) I've just been telling Sarah that I hope you two will be seeing a good deal of each other for the next few weeks.

HORACE:

Oh, I - I think that should be very enjoyable. Very.

CHERRY:

(EXPLODES, ANGRILY) Oh, do you?! Do you?!

SOUND:

CLANK! AS CHERRY GRABS A VASE TO THROW

LUCY:

(STERN) Sarah!

SOUND:

CRASH! AS CHERRY THROWS VASE

CHERRY:

(INNOCENTLY) Well, it - it slipped. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

CHERRY'S DETERMINED STEPS TO DOOR ... THEN IN BG

BOYCE:

Sarah, wait! Where are you going?

CHERRY:

(TENSE) I'm going out for a drive. I shall go mad if I don't! And if Horace proposes once more, I'll tear him in pieces, I swear it!

SOUND:

CHERRY'S STEPS STOP AS SHE OPENS FRONT DOOR

BOYCE:

I've never seen you so upset.

CHERRY:

Ohhh, Boyce, I'm so tired of being Hollywood's Cherry Chester and I'm fed up with being Grandmother's Sarah Brown. Oh, to be alone on a mountaintop, alone with the snow, the sunshine, the stars. Where - where people don't know me. Where I could live and do as I pleased without interference.

BOYCE:

That place doesn't exist, dear. Go on, have your ride; you'll feel better.

CHERRY:

Wait a minute. What's that thing out in the street?

BOYCE:

The carriage, dear.

CHERRY:

The carriage? Oh, yes, I'd forgotten.

HIGGINS:

Good afternoon, Miss Sarah!

SOUND:

CHERRY'S STEPS TO CARRIAGE

CHERRY:

Why, good afternoon, Higgins. I see that Grandmother still disapproves of motor-cars.

HIGGINS:

Yes, miss. It's the odor of gasoline.

SOUND:

CARRIAGE DOOR OPENS ... CHERRY CLIMBS IN

CHERRY:

Well, this seems like old times.

HIGGINS:

All ready, miss?

CHERRY:

(DAINTILY) One moment while I adjust my hoop skirts and raise my parasol. (COARSELY) Okay, Higgins, let's rip!

HIGGINS:

(CLICKS HIS TONGUE)

SOUND:

HORSE TROTS ... IN BG

CHERRY:

(EXUBERANT) Whee! Whee!

SOUND:

TROTTING HORSE CROSSFADES TO CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND

1ST LADY:

(EXCITED) Hattie! Look at the sign in that store window!

2ND LADY:

(READS) "Anthony Amberton in person -- Book Department"!

1ST LADY:

He's autographing books! Come on, Hattie! This is our chance!

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN ... CROWD MURMURS IN BOOKSTORE

2ND LADY:

Isn't he just too marvelous?

1ST LADY:

(DREAMILY) Mr. Amberton, I can just see you stalking through the jungle!

ANTHONY:

(BORED) Can you? Yeah. Thanks very much. Ah, who's next?

2ND LADY:

Mr. Amberton, will you please write something personal in my book? My husband's so jealous.

ANTHONY:

Yes. Well, I-- (GETTING ILL) Oh. Oh. (GAGS) Look, Holbrook?

HOLBROOK:

What's the matter, Anthony?

ANTHONY:

That perfume again! Smell it?

HOLBROOK:

Well, what's the matter with it?

ANTHONY:

I don't know. Everywhere I go -- on boats, on trains, in aeroplanes -- women wear that perfume! Why?! (COUGHS)

HOLBROOK:

Well, it's very popular. It's "Cherry Blossom," named after Cherry Chester.

ANTHONY:

Cherry Chester?! Well, look, I can't stand it. Come on.

HOLBROOK:

Anthony!

ANTHONY:

Get me out of here! I'm sick!

HOLBROOK:

All right, all right, take it easy. We'll go out and get some air. Come on.

2ND LADY:

Where's he going?!

SOUND:

BOOKSTORE CROWD MURMURS EXCITEDLY IN REACTION TO ANTHONY'S DEPARTURE ... CROSSFADES TO CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND

HOLBROOK:

Well, how do you feel now, Anthony?

ANTHONY:

Well-- Better, thanks. Fresh air always does the trick. That stuff gets me every time. I was marooned in a plague-ridden African village once for six months. It had the same odor. Ever since, the smell of musk knocks me out.

HOLBROOK:

Well, don't look now, but here comes the thundering herd.

SOUND:

CLAMORING CROWD APPROACHES, IN BG

ANTHONY:

Oh, no. Listen, I can't face that crowd again. I'm leaving!

HOLBROOK:

All right, run. I'll hold 'em off as long as I can.

ANTHONY:

(MOVING OFF) All right, so long.

HOLBROOK:

(CALLS AFTER HIM) Call me at the office!

SOUND:

CLAMORING CROWD SWELLS ... THEN FADES SLIGHTLY ... CITY TRAFFIC AND TROTTING HORSE, IN BG

CHERRY:

Higgins, what's that trouble over there?

HIGGINS:

I don't know, miss. The crowd seems to be chasing somebody.

ANTHONY:

(APPROACHES, CLIMBS INTO CARRIAGE) Oh, excuse me! Excuse me! Do you mind if I get in here with you? Thanks very much. Keep going, driver, will ya? (TO CHERRY) Just sit here, will ya, please? And sort of let me hide behind ya. Thanks very much.

SOUND:

DURING FOLLOWING, CLAMORING CROWD IS SLOWLY LEFT BEHIND, LEAVING ONLY CITY TRAFFIC AND TROTTING HORSE

CHERRY:

(DEADPAN, TO ANTHONY) Hello. What's new?

ANTHONY:

Ah-- Er, nothing much. Don't move, please, or I'm lost.

HIGGINS:

Say, what do you think you're doing jumping in there?

CHERRY:

It's all right, Higgins. Pay no attention to him.

HIGGINS:

Oh, very good, miss.

ANTHONY:

(RELIEVED, TO CHERRY) Oh, well, you were very kind. Boy, that was a narrow escape. Would you mind dropping me off further on a bit here?

CHERRY:

I should hand you over to the police. What did you steal?

ANTHONY:

Steal? Oh, no, no. I-- You think I'm a shoplifter. No, you're wrong, I haven't stolen anything.

CHERRY:

Well, you should give it back.

ANTHONY:

No, really, really. I - I haven't, I swear. Look, it's a very simple thing to explain. All you have to do is know who I am.

CHERRY:

Is that all? Well?

ANTHONY:

Er, well-- Take a good look at me.

CHERRY:

All right. I'm looking at you. Now what?

ANTHONY:

You mean you don't know who I am?

CHERRY:

Of course I don't. But I'm sure the police do.

ANTHONY:

No, but they don't!

CHERRY:

How fortunate.

ANTHONY:

Well, I can see I'll have to explain.

CHERRY:

Please don't. Let's change the subject. I'm sure it must be very embarrassing for you.

ANTHONY:

(AWKWARDLY) Oh. Well, all right. (CHANGES SUBJECT, CASUALLY) Uh, do you like New York?

CHERRY:

Not much. Do you?

ANTHONY:

(VEHEMENTLY) No! It's a terrible place! And I'm gonna get out of it, too! Somewhere where nobody knows me! Where I can be alone!

CHERRY:

(STRUCK, QUIETLY) Alone. It's funny you should say that. That's exactly how I feel.

ANTHONY:

(SUDDENLY INTERESTED IN HER, GENTLY) You? Say, are you on the level?

CHERRY:

On the level. (BEAT) Well, why are you looking at me like that?

ANTHONY:

You know-- You know, you could be quite lovely.

CHERRY:

(EXHALES, DRY) Do you really think so?

ANTHONY:

Yeah. In a curious sort of way. ...

CHERRY:

Well, are you sure you haven't seen me before? You don't know who I am?

ANTHONY:

Why, no. Is there any reason why I should?

CHERRY:

No. No, of course not.

ANTHONY:

Say, uh, tell me, is this, uh, this your carriage here?

CHERRY:

Well, it - it belongs to my people. (SLIGHTLY MELODRAMATIC) They don't understand me. They're trying to marry me to a man I loathe.

ANTHONY:

In this day and age? Why, that's impossible.

CHERRY:

Well, he - he has a great deal of money.

ANTHONY:

Money? And they'd sell you? Why, those are Dark Age medieval ideas.

CHERRY:

Well, you don't know my family. If I could only get away.

ANTHONY:

Look, look -- I must see you again; talk to you.

CHERRY:

You can't.

ANTHONY:

Well, who's gonna stop us?

CHERRY:

Well, I don't know, but--

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, HORSE SLOWS TO A STOP

ANTHONY:

(TO HIGGINS) Coachman? Coachman, what's the matter? Keep going!

HIGGINS:

Can't. Traffic light.

ANTHONY:

Oh, a traffic light; at a time like this! (TO CHERRY) Now, listen, I must see you again -- free, untroubled by people or convention -- just yourself.

CHERRY:

Well, I don't know.

SOUND:

CLAMORING CROWD APPROACHES ... GROWS INCREASINGLY LOUD AND CLOSE DURING FOLLOWING--

ANTHONY:

I don't want to know your name or where you live; I won't tell you mine. Oh, listen! Look, they're after me again! Look--

CHERRY:

Who?

ANTHONY:

That crowd! They'll tear me to pieces!

CHERRY:

Well, get out and run. Run!

ANTHONY:

I'll have to. But I'm - I'm going to see you again. Now, this is a dream, but we can make it more than just a dream if you'll come.

CHERRY:

Come where?

ANTHONY:

(CLIMBING OUT OF CARRIAGE, MOVING OFF) Well, take this card now. I'll be waiting to see you. Now, come soon. Goodbye!

CHERRY:

(CALLS AFTER HIM, PUZZLED) Well, goodbye!

SOUND:

CLAMORING CROWD PURSUES ANTHONY ... FADES INTO DISTANCE DURING FOLLOWING--

CHERRY:

(READS, WITH WONDERMENT) "Mr. and Mrs. Abner Simpson, Moonsocket, New Hampshire. Winter sports. Reasonable rates. Home cooking." (CALLS) Higgins! Can you imagine?!

HIGGINS:

What, miss?

CHERRY:

A shoplifter with an address.

SOUND:

CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND UP AND OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

CHERRY:

(IN A GOOD MOOD) How are you, Boyce? How's every little thing?

BOYCE:

Did you enjoy your drive?

CHERRY:

(ECSTATIC) Oh, it was lovely! Lovely. Isn't life glorious, Boyce?

BOYCE:

(BEAT) Haven't been, er -- (SNIFF SNIFF) -- drinking, have ya?

CHERRY:

(CHUCKLES WARMLY) ... Boyce, are these flowers for me?

BOYCE:

For you. From Prince Ali.

CHERRY:

Ali? Oh, how sweet. Remind me to send him a wire.

BOYCE:

You needn't bother. He's here in New York and he's called sixteen times this afternoon.

CHERRY:

Only sixteen? He's slipping.

BOYCE:

And -- we're sailing for Buenos Aires tonight at twelve.

CHERRY:

Sailing?! Tonight? (REALIZES) Lucy's idea!

BOYCE:

Yes, conceived shortly after the flowers arrived.

CHERRY:

(READY TO EXPLODE) She's meddling again! I won't stand it! Buenos Aires!

BOYCE:

Now, please don't break anything.

CHERRY:

(SUDDENLY AGREEABLE) Buenos Aires? And why not? Must be quite lovely at this time of year.

BOYCE:

(CONFUSED) What?

CHERRY:

Give me that phone book. Yes, yes, the ocean voyage would do Lucy a world of good.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, CHERRY STARTS FLIPPING THROUGH PHONE BOOK

BOYCE:

(MORE BAD NEWS) Er, Horace is going, too.

CHERRY:

Oh, dear Horace. How thoughtful, how very thoughtful of him.

BOYCE:

Sarah, do you feel all right?

CHERRY:

I feel perfectly swell. Go and tell my doting grandparent that I'm delighted with her plans.

BOYCE:

(MOVING OFF) All right, but I wish you'd tell me what you had to drink.

CHERRY:

Nectar. Ambrosia. Get out, Boyce.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS BOYCE EXITS ... PHONE RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED

MUSIC:

SNEAKS IN AND BUILDS TO CURTAIN BEHIND--

CHERRY:

(READS) "Mr. and Mrs. Abner Simpson. Winter sports. Reasonable rates." (INTO PHONE) Oh, hello? Hello, Grand Central? Can you tell me what time the next train leaves for New Hampshire? --- Oh, a very special place. Moonsocket. M-O-O-N-S-O--

MUSIC:

TOPS CHERRY ... UP, FOR CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

In just a moment, Mr. DeMille and our stars, Carole Lombard and James Stewart, will return for Act Two of "The Moon's Our Home." (BEAT) And now a last-time announcement. Listen carefully, for tonight is our last offer of the Lux Flakes "Gone with the Wind" brooch. No wonder women are thrilled with it, for it's [an] exquisite and expensive-looking jewelry piece, and such a bargain. Let me tell you about it. It has the rich authentic look of the heirloom jewelry of the Old South, for the original was worn in "Gone with the Wind." It is even lovelier than the Scarlett O'Hara brooch we offered last fall and entirely different in design. It is round and big, almost two inches in diameter, with a safety catch on the clasp. In the center is a big turquoise-colored stone surrounded by a circle of five exquisite simulated pearls. It has an antique-style gold finish and the edge is daintily scalloped. Why, it's so good-looking you'll want to wear it right around the clock with party dresses, suits, and street dresses, too. Now, of course you'll want to own one of these exquisite jewelry pieces. Well, it's not too late. But you must let us have your order at once. Tonight is the last time we will make this offer. Now, here's what you do. Buy a big box of New Quick Lux Flakes. They come in the same familiar box and cost you no more. Tear off the opening tab at the top corner of the Lux box. Mail this tab with fifteen cents in coin -- no stamps, please -- to Lux, Box One, New York City. Lux, Box One, New York City. Be sure to include your name and address. With your brooch we'll send an illustrated order blank showing how you can get a bracelet, ring, pendant, and earrings to match your brooch, all at wonderful bargain prices. Now, remember, send the opening tab from a large box of Lux Flakes, fifteen cents in coin, and your name and address, to Lux, Box One, New York City. This offer is good only in the United States. (BEAT) Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille.

HOST:

Act Two of "The Moon's Our Home," starring James Stewart as Anthony Amberton and Carole Lombard as Cherry Chester.

MUSIC:

IN AND IN BG--

NEWSIE:

Cherry Chester mystery! Nationwide search for movie star! Cherry Chester disappears!

MUSIC:

ACCENT ... THEN BEHIND HOST--

HOST:

Like the snows of yesterday, Cherry Chester has vanished -- into the snows of the present. For the snow is six feet deep in Moonsocket, New Hampshire. In an old-fashioned sleigh, she jingles merrily toward the Simpson home, her eyes sparkling with adventure. The driver of the sleigh, Mr. Simpson, is a fund of information.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, FADE IN JINGLE OF HARNESS BELLS AS HORSE-DRAWN SLEIGH PLOWS THROUGH THE SNOW ... THEN IN BG

ABNER:

Er, that's the old Redfern farm over there. Nelly's havin' her fourth baby. Big house, though; plenty of room.

CHERRY:

Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

ABNER:

Say, we've got another city boarder out to the place.

CHERRY:

Oh, have you?

ABNER:

Yep. Queer sort of cuss, too. Mighty queer.

CHERRY:

Well, uh, is, uh, the queer cuss--? Is he a young man?

ABNER:

Well, I wouldn't be sayin' he was young and I wouldn't be sayin' he was old. But, er, judgin' by appearances, I'd say he was around thirty.

CHERRY:

(EXHALES, PLEASED) That's fine!

ABNER:

On the other hand, appearances can be deceivin'. Ah, now, take you, miss. I didn't quite catch the name.

CHERRY:

Brown.

ABNER:

Brown. Hm! His name is Smith. (LAUGHS)

CHERRY:

Well, what's so funny?

ABNER:

Nothin' much. (LAUGHS)

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

CHERRY:

You're Mrs. Simpson, aren't you?

MRS. S:

Yes, I am.

CHERRY:

I wonder if you have a room for me for a few days.

MRS. S:

You didn't write for accommodations.

CHERRY:

No, no, I didn't, but - but a friend of mine told me about your place and I needed a rest, so I just came.

MRS. S:

I guess we can put you up.

CHERRY:

Oh, thank you.

ABNER:

Uh, where's this grip go?

MRS. S:

Upstairs, silly. (TO CHERRY) That's my husband.

CHERRY:

Yes, we've already met. Oh, it's lovely here. How peaceful. Oh, tell me, is there a - a young man named Mr. Smith staying here?

MRS. S:

Smith? Why didn't you say so?

CHERRY:

Say what?

MRS. S:

That you were Mr. Smith's cousin he was expectin'.

CHERRY:

He was expecting?

MRS. S:

Yes. He said you'd come. He didn't tell me your name.

CHERRY:

Uh, Brown. Sarah Brown.

MRS. S:

(SUSPICIOUS) You are his cousin, aren't you?

CHERRY:

Why, yes -- that is, distantly. You, uh-- You see, we haven't seen each other for years. I - I ran into him the other day.

MRS. S:

I see. Well, he's out tobogganin'. You can probably find him at the top of the hill.

CHERRY:

Thank you very much.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN ... CHERRY'S STEPS THROUGH SNOW BRIEFLY

CHERRY:

(TO HERSELF, DOUBTFUL) Expecting me, huh? I shouldn't have come. He's too sure of himself.

ANTHONY:

Hello, you!

CHERRY:

Oh, hello, mister.

ANTHONY:

Well, I got here last night. What took you so long?

CHERRY:

Now, just a minute--!

ANTHONY:

Well, never mind. I'm glad you came anyway. Are you?

CHERRY:

I'm not so sure. And, by the way, "Cousin Smith," how are the rest of the family?

ANTHONY:

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Ah, splendid. Of course, little Archie fell in the cistern last week.

CHERRY:

(IRONIC) No!

ANTHONY:

Oh, yes, yes, very sad.

CHERRY:

Well, there are so many at home, they'll never miss him.

ANTHONY:

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

CHERRY:

(CHUCKLES)

ANTHONY:

How - how'd you like to take a ride in my toboggan?

CHERRY:

Oh, is it safe?

ANTHONY:

Oh, sure. Can't run out of gas.

CHERRY:

All right.

ANTHONY:

Sit down.

CHERRY:

Oh, wait. Is - is your name really Smith?

ANTHONY:

Oh, yes, yes, but it isn't the name by which most people know me. I don't want to tell you my other name; it'll sort of spoil things.

CHERRY:

And what makes you think there's anything to spoil?

ANTHONY:

Uhhhh, well-- You make me think so.

CHERRY:

Oh, I do, huh?

ANTHONY:

Yeah. Sit down.

CHERRY:

Where?

ANTHONY:

Well, backseat; that's where women belong. Now, put your arms around me.

CHERRY:

I will not!

ANTHONY:

All right, if you think you can hang on! Let's go! Now, watch yourself now!

SOUND:

TOBOGGAN SLIDES DOWN SNOWY HILL ... WIND BLOWS ... IN BG

CHERRY:

(SHRIEKS)

ANTHONY:

I told you. Better put your arms around me.

CHERRY:

All right, all right!

ANTHONY:

All right. There! That's much better.

CHERRY:

(EXHALES) Think you're smart, don't ya?!

ANTHONY:

Why? Ya frightened?

CHERRY:

Course not!

ANTHONY:

Do you like it?!

CHERRY:

Ohhhh, I love it!

ANTHONY:

It gets steeper down here. Don't let go, now.

SOUND:

WHOOSH! OF WIND AND TOBOGGAN ... UP AND OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE

ANTHONY:

Well?

CHERRY:

(EXHALES HAPPILY) Oh, it was grand!

ANTHONY:

You were frightened, though, huh?

CHERRY:

(CONCEDES) Oh, just a little, at first.

ANTHONY:

Well, you'll never be frightened with me. We'll travel rougher roads and turn narrower corners--

CHERRY:

(ANNOYED) Will we? Say, you're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

ANTHONY:

You know, you're lovely. I - I told you in the carriage that you could be, you know.

CHERRY:

(VERY ANNOYED) Oh, I - I - I hate you!

ANTHONY:

Good - good - good. There's nothing more helpful to romance than a little hate. Now, just tell me one thing. Ah, is your name really Brown?

CHERRY:

(SARCASTIC) Yes, it is, but it's not the name by which most people know me. I shan't tell you my other name; it would spoil things!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

JINGLE OF HARNESS BELLS AS HORSE-DRAWN SLEIGH PLOWS THROUGH THE SNOW ... THEN IN BG

ANTHONY:

(ROMANTIC) Ah, do you see that moon up there? That's where we belong, you and I. Alone on the moon, where nobody could ever bother us. Yeah, that's our home up there.

CHERRY:

(UNROMANTIC) Do you always go without a hat?

ANTHONY:

Huh? Why?

CHERRY:

Well, I've heard of sunstroke. There's probably a moonstroke, too.

ANTHONY:

Oh. Yeah. Well, probably. Well, look, going without a hat's good for the hair.

CHERRY:

Yeah, I had a friend on my father's side who always went without a hat. He was bald.

ANTHONY:

Yeah, he probably didn't have any hair to start with.

CHERRY:

(CHUCKLES)

ANTHONY:

You know, uh, you should never comb yours.

CHERRY:

Why?

ANTHONY:

I sort of like it that way.

CHERRY:

(SIGHS, FRIENDLY) I - I think you're crazy.

ANTHONY:

Well, I am, completely.

CHERRY:

Well, it certainly is a glorious night, isn't it?

ANTHONY:

(VIGOROUSLY AGREES) Glorious, and what's more, there's nothing phony about it. No camouflage. All this could be paradise for the right sort of people!

CHERRY:

Tell me more about your idea of paradise.

ANTHONY:

Well, for one thing, not being hedged in by a lot crazy conventions. As for me, I just discard them.

CHERRY:

(CHUCKLES) You sound like a heathen.

ANTHONY:

Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that I don't burden myself with a lot of illusions as to right and wrong. I don't believe in marriage.

CHERRY:

Well, what's the matter with marriage?

ANTHONY:

Well, everything. In the first place, it's unimportant.

CHERRY:

Well! Your father and mother didn't think so. Or did they?

ANTHONY:

Uh, er-- ... Well, uh, uh-- No, it's old-fashioned, outdated.

CHERRY:

It would only take one woman to make you change your mind.

ANTHONY:

No, no. Marriage is the monkey wrench women throw into the machinery of love. Now, without it, there'd be no past to bother you, no future to worry about, nothing but the present.

CHERRY:

Interesting, but strangely familiar. I must have read it somewhere.

ANTHONY:

Oh. Read it where?

CHERRY:

I don't remember. Say! Say, aren't we going too fast?

ANTHONY:

Yes, as a matter of fact, we are. (TO HORSE) Hey! Hey, easy, Nellie! Hey, whoa, Nellie!

SOUND:

HORSE BREAKS INTO A CANTER, IN BG

CHERRY:

Well, pull on the reins.

ANTHONY:

Well, what do you think I'm doing? I'm pulling on the-- (TO HORSE) Whoa! Whoa, Nellie! (TO CHERRY) Now, you see? Feminine instinct all over -- willful, headstrong! I can't stop her; you got any ideas on this thing?

CHERRY:

Well, you might try flattery!

ANTHONY:

Flattery? That's not a bad idea. (TO HORSE) Nice Nellie! Sweet Nellie!

CHERRY:

Hey! Hey, look out for the turn!

ANTHONY:

Whoa! Now, hang on tight! Stop, Nellie! Lovely Nellie. Will ya--?

CHERRY:

Ohhhh, look out!

SOUND:

CRASH! AS SLEIGH OVERTURNS ... THEN HORSE RUNS OFF DURING FOLLOWING--

ANTHONY:

Hey! Hey, where are ya?!

CHERRY:

Here. Here, in the snow. Help me out.

ANTHONY:

Are ya all right?

CHERRY:

(COUGHS TWICE) Yes, I'm all right. That was nice driving, mister. What happens now?

ANTHONY:

Uh-- Well, simple. We'll both walk home from a sleigh ride.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

ANTHONY:

Do you think she'll catch cold, Mrs. Simpson?

MRS. S:

Can't tell, but I sent her up to bed. You put this stone at her feet. Ought to be hot enough now.

SOUND:

STONE PULLED FROM STOVE

ANTHONY:

Well, here, let me take it up to her.

MRS. S:

Careful, don't burn your hands.

ANTHONY:

I won't, thanks very much.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... KNOCK ON ROOM DOOR

ANTHONY:

Uh, Sarah? Sarah, you awake?

CHERRY:

Who's there?

ANTHONY:

Oh, it's me; let me in.

CHERRY:

Let you in? Let you--? Get away from that door!

ANTHONY:

Why? What are you talking about? Listen--

CHERRY:

Get away, do you hear me?! Maybe you don't believe in a lot of crazy conventions, but I do! Now, get away from that door before I scream! (BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

CHERRY:

Good morning.

ANTHONY:

(ANNOYED) Good morning! Hey, why didn't you let me in last night?

CHERRY:

Did you expect me to?

ANTHONY:

Well, I certainly did.

CHERRY:

Oh, you did? Of all the nerve.

ANTHONY:

Don't see anything to get so hysterical about.

CHERRY:

Not only are you a thief, but a--

ANTHONY:

Oh, so you're gonna bring that up again?!

CHERRY:

(SNEEZES ADORABLY)

ANTHONY:

(POLITE) Oh, God bless you.

CHERRY:

(POLITE) Excuse me.

ANTHONY:

(ANNOYED AGAIN) You still think I'm a shoplifter, huh? Oh, what's the use?

CHERRY:

Exactly! What's the use? I don't blame you, I blame myself. You did what any ordinary man would do. I followed you here like a naïve schoolgirl. I - I wanted to find out what kind of a man you were. Well, I found out!

ANTHONY:

Are - are you trying to tell me that you think that last night--?

CHERRY:

I'm not trying to tell you anything!

ANTHONY:

So you're puttin' me in a tough spot, huh? Well, just get this straight now. If you've got any funny ideas about my interest in you, just forget them! Your type of woman bores me! (PONTIFICATING) Give me the simple primitive woman, ... the woman of long silences--! (BREAKS OFF) You're not even good-looking! You've got freckles! Your face is covered with 'em! You got red hair and I hate red hair! You've got green eyes -- cat eyes! -- and you're stubborn and bad-tempered! And what's more, you're ungrateful!

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS AS ANTHONY EXITS

CHERRY:

(CONTENTEDLY) Ohhhh, he loves me. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

NOTE:

THIS SCENE STARTS OFF VERY SERENELY AND BUILDS VERY SLOWLY TO ITS QUIETLY PASSIONATE CLIMAX

ANTHONY:

Ah, it's your move.

CHERRY:

(DISTRACTED) Oh. I'm sorry.

SOUND:

PLAYS CHECKERS ... TWO JUMPS

ANTHONY:

Hey, you could have taken my king.

CHERRY:

Oh, I didn't see it.

ANTHONY:

Hey, you're very strange tonight. What's the matter?

CHERRY:

Thinking.

ANTHONY:

What about?

CHERRY:

Things; many things. Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, cabbages and kings.

ANTHONY:

And why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings? Yeah. Yeah, you're different tonight. Warm and human. Somehow all woman.

CHERRY:

A doubtful compliment.

ANTHONY:

But well-meant.

CHERRY:

Oh, it's been heavenly here. But I'm leaving tomorrow.

ANTHONY:

Oh? Leaving? No, you can't.

CHERRY:

Why not?

ANTHONY:

Well, I have plans and, strangely enough, they all concern you.

CHERRY:

For instance?

ANTHONY:

Well, for instance, I'm gonna teach you to ski tomorrow.

CHERRY:

You'll have to find another pupil.

ANTHONY:

Well, now, wait. What makes you so determined?

CHERRY:

Something I'd almost forgotten.

ANTHONY:

Oh. (REALIZES) Oh, listen, that - that man you told me about in the carriage that day! Is he the reason?

CHERRY:

Maybe.

ANTHONY:

Oh! Well, that - that-- I feel better. (STERNLY) Well, that's all settled. You aren't gonna marry him, you're gonna marry me!

CHERRY:

Well, is that a proposal or a threat?

ANTHONY:

No, it's just a statement.

CHERRY:

Well, it's quite impossible.

ANTHONY:

Why? Why?

CHERRY:

Well, for one thing, I - I don't believe in marriage.

ANTHONY:

You don't? Well, now who's been putting those half-baked ideas into your head?! ... Marriage may not be perfect, but it's the only solution for the average woman.

CHERRY:

I am not an average woman.

ANTHONY:

What makes you think so?

CHERRY:

Would you have fallen in love with an average woman?

ANTHONY:

Mmmmm-- No, I wouldn't, but would you have fallen in love with an average man?

CHERRY:

Well, what makes you think I have? Well, no. No, of course not.

ANTHONY:

Well, there you are. The only thing left for us to do is get married.

CHERRY:

I don't even know your name.

ANTHONY:

Sam Smith.

CHERRY:

Sam Smith? Oh, that's awful.

ANTHONY:

Well, what about Sarah Brown?

CHERRY:

I have a violent temper.

ANTHONY:

Well, I've had complaints about mine, too.

CHERRY:

We'll fight every day!

ANTHONY:

And we'll make up every night.

CHERRY:

I'll leave you ten times a year.

ANTHONY:

I'll always find you. (BEAT, PASSIONATE WHISPER) I'll always find you, Sarah Brown.

CHERRY:

(LOVINGLY) Oh, darling.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... QUOTES "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"

J. P.:

(RAPID AND MECHANICAL) "By virtue of the laws of the state of New Hampshire, I'm authorized and empowered by the law to perform a marriage between two people who've expressed a desire to be married."

CHERRY:

(NERVOUS) Oh, Sam--

ANTHONY:

Ssh!

J. P.:

"I have here a license--" Wait, folks! I can't marry you! There ain't no license! And in New Hampshire it takes five days to get one.

ANTHONY:

(CALMLY) I have it right here.

J. P.:

How's that?

ANTHONY:

The license. I have one.

J. P.:

Have what?

ANTHONY:

The license! Here it is! See? Right here.

J. P.:

I'm a little deaf. That's fine. I'll start the ceremony. (RAPID AND MECHANICAL, OVERLAPS IN BG) "Do you, Samuel Smith, take thee, Sarah Brown, to be your lawful wedded wife?"

CHERRY: (SUSPICIOUS) Where did you get that license?

ANTHONY:

Five days ago.

CHERRY:

You were that sure of me?

ANTHONY:

Why, of course.

J. P.:

Fine. (OVERLAPS IN BG) "To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, in sickness and in health?"

CHERRY:

And you have been since the beginning, haven't you?

ANTHONY:

Well, certainly.

J. P.:

Good. (OVERLAPS IN BG) "Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish Sarah till death do you part?"

CHERRY:

After all this, do you still expect me to marry you?

ANTHONY:

I do.

J. P.:

That's it. (OVERLAPS IN BG) "Do you, Sarah Brown, take thee, Samuel Smith, to be thy lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health?"

ANTHONY:

Well, I wasn't taking any chances. Do you still think I was presumptuous?

CHERRY:

Do I?!

J. P.:

(OVERLAPS IN BG) "Do you promise to love, honor, and obey Samuel till death do you part?"

ANTHONY:

Sarah, do you really mean it?

CHERRY:

I most certainly do!

J. P.:

(OVERLAPS IN BG) Then I now pronounce you man and wife!

CHERRY:

You made a fool out of me long enough! Our marriage is off!

ANTHONY:

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! Just a minute. Just a minute. (TO J. P.) What'd you say, mister?

J. P.:

Man and wife! It's over, folks. Three dollars, please. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... QUOTES "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

After a short intermission, Mr. DeMille will return with our stars, Carole Lombard and James Stewart, for Act Three of "The Moon's Our Home." Meantime, here's a new kind of quiz -- a sort of "that reminds me" test. Now, I've asked one of our Lux Radio Theatre audience, Mrs. Tyler Johnson of North Hollywood, to come to the microphone. I'm going to mention four words and she's going to answer, right off the bat, just what these words remind her of. Are you ready, Mrs. Johnson?

MRS. JOHNSON:

Yes, Mr. Ruick.

ANNOUNCER:

Kitchen.

MRS. JOHNSON:

Um, cooking.

ANNOUNCER:

Dinner.

MRS. JOHNSON:

Dishes.

ANNOUNCER:

Dishpan.

MRS. JOHNSON:

Dishpan? Why, red hands!

ANNOUNCER:

Good! Last word: gentle.

MRS. JOHNSON:

That's easy when you're thinking of hands in the dishpan -- Lux Flakes, of course.

ANNOUNCER:

Aha, you're a mind reader, Mrs. Johnson. That's just what I hoped I'd remind you of: that Lux in the dishpan is gentle to hands. You know, every woman dreads that red, rough, ungroomed appearance of the hands that we call "dishpan hands." And that's why, more and more, women are turning to New Quick Lux for dishes. Because with Lux, their hands stay soft and smooth. Now, we've proved scientifically the great difference between Lux and harsh soaps in our famous one-hand tests. Hundreds of women took part in these tests and here is what they did. They dipped one hand in Lux suds, the other in suds from another leading soap, under conditions similar to home dishwashing. The Lux hands stayed so much softer, smoother, and prettier that the women themselves were amazed. For example, take Mrs. Bruce Wilkinson, one of the many women who made the tests. She says--

MRS. WILKINSON:

My left hand was smooth, soft, and lovely after being in New Quick Lux. My right hand, in another soap, was so unattractively red and coarse that I was really ashamed for anyone to see it. After this, I'll never use anything but Lux Flakes for dishes.

ANNOUNCER:

You'll feel proud of your hands if you use New Quick Lux for dishes. They'll stay so nice. These gentle suds are fast and thrifty, too. So why not get that generous big box tomorrow and use Lux Flakes for dishwashing all the time? (BEAT) We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION

HOST:

The curtain rises on the third act of "The Moon's Our Home."

MUSIC:

BRIEF INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND HOST--

HOST:

The romance of Cherry Chester, born Sarah Brown, and Anthony Amberton, born Samuel Smith, has been one long series of arguments, but now all arguments are over and done with. Safe in the bridal suite of the Moonsocket Hotel, they face each other as Mr. and Mrs. Sam Smith.

ANTHONY:

Hello, darling.

CHERRY:

Hello, darling.

ANTHONY:

Any regrets?

CHERRY:

Not yet.

ANTHONY:

Are ya happy?

CHERRY:

I - I think so.

ANTHONY:

I am very happy.

CHERRY:

(EXHALES WITH RELIEF) I'm so glad.

ANTHONY:

Except for one thing, Sarah. There's - there's something I must tell you.

CHERRY:

Oh, let it keep until tomorrow, please? You see, I have something to tell you, too.

ANTHONY:

Well, tell me now.

CHERRY:

Well, even if I wanted to, I couldn't now. (CHANGES SUBJECT) You're really not a shoplifter, are you?

ANTHONY:

Well, would it matter very much if I were?

CHERRY:

Oh, not tonight. Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps not at all ever.

ANTHONY:

Oh, my darling. Kiss me, darling.

CHERRY:

Oh, Sam. Sam.

ANTHONY:

(SLOWLY STARTS TO GAG)

CHERRY:

Sam, what is it?!

ANTHONY:

Holy smokes, that perfume again! You've got that perfume on your neck!

CHERRY:

Well, what's the matter with it?

ANTHONY:

I can't stand it! I'm getting sick!

CHERRY:

Well, it's "Cherry Blossom"--

ANTHONY:

I know it is! Now, open the windows, will ya?! Open 'em quick!

CHERRY:

For heaven's sakes, are you crazy? It's named after Cherry Chester.

ANTHONY:

I know, I know! Well, why don't you do something?! Don't stand there like a petrified forest! Open the window! Can't you see I'm sick?!

CHERRY:

Well, do you expect me to freeze to death just because you've got a complex or something?

ANTHONY:

Oh, now, I should have told you, but that perfume-- I - I never thought-- You know, all this time, you've never used it. Sarah, wash that-- Change your clothes-- Take a bath or something-- ...

CHERRY:

(EXHALES IN FRUSTRATION) Oh, I understand now. You've got memories, haven't you? That perfume brings them back?

ANTHONY:

Yes. But--

CHERRY:

Oh, you admit it?!

ANTHONY:

No!

CHERRY:

Don't deny it! I can see it in your face!

ANTHONY:

I'm sick! That's what you see in my face! ...

CHERRY:

(FURIOUS) Oh, our wedding night and you're thinking of someone else! Oh, I hate you!

ANTHONY:

(WOOZY) Sarah, Sarah, I'm gonna pass out.

CHERRY:

Go on, pass out! Swoon all over the place!

ANTHONY:

Oh, no, please-- Oh, Sarah--

CHERRY:

(MOVING OFF) You can't fool me! You - you shoplifter!

ANTHONY:

Oh, please, don't leave. Don't leave me here, now--

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS AS CHERRY EXITS

ANTHONY:

(READY TO FAINT) Oh. Oh-- ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

INSISTENT RINGING OF CONCIERGE BELL

ANTHONY:

(IN A BAD MOOD) Clerk! Clerk!

CLERK:

Oh, good morning, Mr. Smith. Did you sleep well, sir?

ANTHONY:

I don't remember. Where's my wife?

CLERK:

Your wife? Why, she's gone, sir.

ANTHONY:

Gone? Gone where?

CLERK:

Uh, to New York, sir. Er, she left last night.

ANTHONY:

Well, where in New York?

CLERK:

She didn't say. I didn't think it was my place to ask her. I never interfere--

ANTHONY:

All right. When's the next train out of here?

CLERK:

The next train? Why, there isn't any.

ANTHONY:

What?!

CLERK:

No, sir. There was a snowslide early this morning. The track's blocked.

ANTHONY:

All right. Well, charter me a plane.

CLERK:

I'm sorry, sir. We haven't any airport.

ANTHONY:

Well, get me something! Get me a dogsled or anything! I've got to get to New York!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

KNOCK AT DOOR ... NO ANSWER ... KNOCK AGAIN

ANTHONY:

Who is it?

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

HOLBROOK:

(CHEERFUL) Hello, Anthony!

ANTHONY:

(NOT CHEERFUL) Hello, Holbrook.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

HOLBROOK:

I didn't expect you back for weeks yet. Have a nice trip?

ANTHONY:

Had a rotten trip.

HOLBROOK:

Oh. Er, uh-- How did you like the Simpsons?

ANTHONY:

Didn't like anybody.

HOLBROOK:

Well, uh-- How was the weather?

ANTHONY:

The weather was foul.

HOLBROOK:

(GIVES UP BEING CHEERFUL) What's the matter, Anthony? Upset stomach?

ANTHONY:

Now, listen, Holbrook. You've got to help me. Where can I find a girl in this town?

HOLBROOK:

A girl?! Why, er-- (GULPS) Oh! My wife has a very nice friend.

ANTHONY:

Oh, no, no! I don't mean I want to meet a woman. I mean, I've met one. The woman! But she's disappeared. Vanished. Gone!

HOLBROOK:

Oh, well, if you know her name, why don't you try the telephone book?

ANTHONY:

Well, there are a hundred and sixteen Sarah Browns in the telephone book -- all ages, colors, nationalities. I've talked to every one of them. I've searched the city directory,
I've been to the Bureau of Missing Persons. I've done everything!

HOLBROOK:

Well, uh-- What does she look like?

ANTHONY:

What does she look like?! (IN A SPELL) What does she look like? She's the sweetest, most wonderful, most beautiful girl in the world, Holbrook. She's-- (BREAKS SPELL) Well, now, we've got to find her, Holbrook! If you ever expect me to write another line, you've got to help me find Sarah Brown!

HOLBROOK:

Well, I'll, uh-- I'll certainly try, but, if you've done everything--

NEWSIE:

(FROM OFF, OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE) Cherry Chester found! Read all about it! Cherry Chester found! Extry! Extry! (ET CETERA, IN BG)

ANTHONY:

What's that yelling about?

HOLBROOK:

What? Oh, nothing very important. They found Cherry Chester. She's come back.

ANTHONY:

Cherry Chester? She's the one I've got to blame for this whole thing, ya know! A woman I've never seen has wrecked my whole life!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

BOYCE:

Here's what Walter Wilton says in "Broadway Lowdown": "Although Miss Chester refuses to explain her whereabouts for the past few days, your correspondent has it on good authority that there is a certain guide in the Maine woods [who] could shed some light on--"

CHERRY:

Boyce, stop it. I don't want to know about it.

BOYCE:

Mm, just as you like. The other paper says you were in the sanitarium with the D.T.'s.

CHERRY:

Well, I feel like I was. Boyce? Boyce, why do the papers want to hurt me? Why are people so unkind? I - I've done nothing. At least, nothing that concerns them.

BOYCE:

You're a public figure and, as such, your life is not your own.

CHERRY:

Oh, I've made an awful fizzle of things, haven't I? It seems that I always do. I - I just wanted to get away, to be myself. I didn't expect to get myself in a jam. And what a jam I'm in, you'll never know.

BOYCE:

I haven't bothered you with any questions, and I won't, either.

CHERRY:

Thank you, darling. Boyce? Boyce, do you believe in fables?

BOYCE:

Fables? I used to.

CHERRY:

Well, fables always have a happy ending, don't they?

BOYCE:

Always, darling.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AS LUCY ENTERS

LUCY:

Good morning, Sarah. I want to speak to you.

CHERRY:

I thought you would, Granny.

LUCY:

Boyce, you may leave.

BOYCE:

Yes, ma'am.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS BOYCE EXITS

LUCY:

Sarah, everything is arranged. I've already talked to Horace and the newspapermen are waiting.

CHERRY:

Waiting for what?

LUCY:

For the announcement of your engagement to Horace!

CHERRY:

Engagement?! But - but, Granny--

LUCY:

My dear, my dear -- I've gone over the situation quite thoroughly. The immediate announcement of your engagement to Horace is the only step we can take to silence this scandalous gossip.

CHERRY:

But, Granny, it's - it's impossible. Why, Granny, suppose I were to tell you that I was already married.

LUCY:

I'd say it was your way of evading an issue.

CHERRY:

But I am.

LUCY:

Huh? Who to?

CHERRY:

Why, to Sam Smith, that's who.

LUCY:

All right, all right -- who is he? Where does he come from? What does he do?

CHERRY:

Well, I - I don't-- Granny, you've got to believe me.

LUCY:

I'll believe you. Produce him. Where is he?

CHERRY:

I don't know. That is, I'm not exactly sure where he is. I'm trying to find him.

LUCY:

Sarah Brown, if you must lie, do it more convincingly. Now, come on. Come on, let's see the reporters and get this thing over with.

CHERRY:

Granny, please don't. Please!

LUCY:

Are you coming with me or shall I see them alone?

CHERRY:

All right! But when I marry Horace and they come and arrest me for bigamy, don't say I didn't warn you!

LUCY:

Fiddlesticks!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

RATTLE OF PHONE CRADLE

ANTHONY:

(INTO PHONE, QUICKLY) Hello? Hello, Holbrook? Holbrook, this is Anthony. Find out anything? -- Oh, well, if they can't locate her, nobody can. Look, Holbrook, I've got to get out of this town. I can't stand it. Get me passage on the first tramp that's sailing. -- Where? I don't-- Anywhere! Call me back, will ya? I'm at the club. Have them page me in the lobby.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN ... CLUB DOOR OPENS ON MURMURING CROWD

HORACE:

Oh-- Oh, excuse me.

ANTHONY:

(DEJECTED BUT POLITE) Oh, hello, Horace.

HORACE:

Why, Sam! I mean, Anthony. It's stupid of me, I never can remember your pen name.

ANTHONY:

Aw, that's all right, Horace. How've you been?

HORACE:

Oh, fine, fine, fine, fine. Well, aren't you going to congratulate me?

ANTHONY:

Congratulate you? What for?

HORACE:

Don't tell me you haven't heard. Why, the newspapers have been full of it.

ANTHONY:

Well, I haven't read a paper in weeks.

HORACE:

Oh. Well, I - I'm going to be married.

ANTHONY:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Married? Oh, well, that's great.

HORACE:

Hey, what's the matter with you? Are you sick?

ANTHONY:

No, no, no. Just dying, that's all.

HORACE:

You look awful. Say, I've got it! What you need's a little relaxation. You're coming to my New Year's party tomorrow night.

ANTHONY:

No, thanks. I don't think I can make it.

HORACE:

Oh, I won't take no for an answer. You've got to meet my fiancée. You'll be crazy about her. And she may like you. (CLEARS THROAT) Of course you're coming! Where's the old college spirit? A little conviviality's just what you need!

ANTHONY:

(CONVINCED) Well, Horace, maybe you're right! That's exactly what I need -- a seat on the merry-go-round.

HORACE:

Of course; I knew it! Meet me at the Club Continental at ten o'clock.

ANTHONY:

Club Continental at ten o'clock.

MUSIC:

CLUB ORCHESTRA PLAYS A DREAMY TUNE ... FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

BARTENDER:

What was that drink you ordered, sir?

ANTHONY:

A Stamboul slidecar.

BARTENDER:

I - I think that's got me.

ANTHONY:

You mean to say you've never heard of a Stamboul slidecar?

BARTENDER:

No, sir.

ANTHONY:

What kind of a place is this? Where's everybody been for the last ten years?

BARTENDER:

Well, I come from Milwaukee myself.

ANTHONY:

Yeah, well, never mind. Just mix me something strong.

CHERRY:

(A LITTLE SAD) Make mine double; I need it.

ANTHONY:

(QUIETLY STUNNED) Sarah!

CHERRY:

Sam, I couldn't believe my eyes.

ANTHONY:

(QUIETLY PLEASED) Sarah Brown!

CHERRY:

(GENTLY CORRECTS HIM) Sarah Smith. I'm the lady you married, remember?

ANTHONY:

Oh, yeah. But you look different.

CHERRY:

Darling, why didn't you try to find me?

ANTHONY:

Well, I - I did. Did you want to be found?

CHERRY:

Oh, what do you think?

ANTHONY:

I think the world's quite sane and we're completely mad. Now, come on, let's get out of here.

CHERRY:

Well, there's a terrace outside.

ANTHONY:

Come on, quick.

MUSIC:

CLUB ORCHESTRA UP, FOR TRANSITION ... THEN DOWN A LITTLE TO INDICATE WE ARE NOW JUST OUTSIDE ON THE CLUB TERRACE ... CONTINUES IN BG

CHERRY:

Oh, darling, why didn't you tell me? I - I never would have run away from you.

ANTHONY:

Aw, I tried to tell ya; I was too sick. I-- Anyway, you wouldn't listen.

CHERRY:

(EXHALES SADLY) I thought it was the memory of some woman you couldn't forget.

ANTHONY:

(WITH GREAT CERTAINTY) On this Earth, there's only one woman. There's you.

CHERRY:

(LOVINGLY) Oh, darling, I've missed you so.

ANTHONY:

I was gonna drink myself into my grave.

CHERRY:

You couldn't, sweetie. You'd've gotten sick.

ANTHONY:

Yeah. Yeah, that's right, I know. Tell me, though -- you've changed. What's it all about? Your clothes and everything. Where are my freckles? What's happened to Sarah Brown?

CHERRY:

Well, Sammy, there's something we've got to talk over. Something important.

ANTHONY:

Well, of course, darling, any time you want.

MUSIC:

CLUB ORCHESTRA UP, FOR TRANSITION ... THEN ORCHESTRA FINISHES ITS NUMBER

SOUND:

PARTY BACKGROUND (MURMUR OF GUESTS, ET CETERA)

LUCY:

(UPSET) Where is she, Horace?! Where did she go?!

HORACE:

I don't know. She went toward the bar, then I lost her.

LUCY:

Well, find her! Find her!

HORACE:

I'm looking, I'm looking. I wonder if Anthony's around. I did want Cherry and Anthony to meet.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

ANTHONY:

(PERFECTLY REASONABLE) All right, I married Sarah Brown and now I discover I also married Cherry Chester. So what?

CHERRY:

(ALSO PERFECTLY REASONABLE) And I married Sammy Smith and I find out I've also accepted Anthony Amberton. So what?

ANTHONY:

Sweetheart, we're bigamists. And I love you desperately.

CHERRY:

(LOVINGLY) Oh, Anthony-- I mean, Sam.

ANTHONY:

We did have fun, didn't we?

CHERRY:

Loads.

ANTHONY:

And we'll have lots more.

CHERRY:

Lots.

ANTHONY:

And with this - this inane career of yours-- Without that to worry ya, why, think how happy we'll be.

CHERRY:

(SHARPLY) What?

ANTHONY:

Ah, y'see, we'll travel the world's highways, we'll explore every hidden byway, we'll do crazy ridiculous things. We'll - we'll live on the moon!

CHERRY:

(GENTLY) But, Sammy, I'm not retiring from the screen.

ANTHONY:

Oh, yes, of course you are; that's all settled.

CHERRY:

Well, are you giving up writing and exploring?

ANTHONY:

Oh, no. No, certainly not.

CHERRY:

(DRY) Oh, I see. The woman's place is in the home. Hallelujah.

ANTHONY:

That's quite true!

CHERRY:

Oh, no, it's not.

ANTHONY:

Well, she certainly has no place on a movie screen, making faces for a living. You don't call that "acting," do ya?!

CHERRY:

Well, I hope you don't cherish any illusions as to your ability as a writer.

ANTHONY:

Oh, so you've read my books?!

CHERRY:

I tried one. I couldn't finish it.

ANTHONY:

I don't believe it. Which one?

CHERRY:

The one where you slide down the six pyramids.

ANTHONY:

There are nine pyramids!

CHERRY:

Six!

ANTHONY:

Nine!

CHERRY:

So I'm not only a bad actress, but a liar!

ANTHONY:

You know, I never realized how utterly disagreeable you can be!

CHERRY:

I never realized you were so righteous and smug!

ANTHONY:

I just merely said that you were a disagreeable, worthless little brat!

CHERRY:

You're a conceited, ill-tempered, impossible beast and I detest you!

ANTHONY:

All right, now you listen to me--!

CHERRY:

Take your hands off me!

ANTHONY:

I'll show you!

SOUND:

CHERRY STRUGGLES TO PULL HER SHOE OFF

CHERRY:

Oh! Just let me get my shoe off and I'll show you!

SOUND:

ANTHONY MANHANDLES CHERRY BEHIND--

ANTHONY:

All right, stand up here! Go on, stand up!

CHERRY:

Have you ever been hit on the head with a high heel?!

ANTHONY:

No, and I won't!

CHERRY:

(WITH EFFORT) That's what you think!

SOUND:

WHACK! OF HIGH HEEL SHOE ON ANTHONY'S HEAD

ANTHONY:

(IN PAIN) Ooh! ... Come on, give me that slipper!

CHERRY:

Take it!

SOUND:

WHACK! OF HIGH HEEL SHOE ON ANTHONY'S HEAD ... SCUFFLE, IN BG

ANTHONY:

Now, come on! Give me that, will ya?!

CHERRY:

(WITH EFFORT) Let me go, you big ape!

ANTHONY:

Stop kicking here! Stop! Look out! Look out!

SOUND:

SCUFFLE ENDS AS CHERRY STUMBLES INTO TERRACE FURNITURE AND FALLS DOWN

ANTHONY:

There.

CHERRY:

(EXHALES) Knock me down, will you?

ANTHONY:

All right now, give me that slipper.

HORACE:

(ENTERS, OBLIVIOUS) Hello, there! Sarah dear, I've been looking all over for you.

CHERRY:

Oh, Horace.

HORACE:

Is something wrong here?

CHERRY:

No. No, nothing at all.

HORACE:

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Sarah, this is Anthony Amberton, my old friend. Anthony, my fiancée.

CHERRY:

Charmed.

ANTHONY:

Just a minute. Did you say fiancée?

HORACE:

Why, yes, of course.

ANTHONY:

Oh, I see. Well, I really owe you an apology, Miss Chester. You're not only a great actress, but a cheat! (MOVING OFF) For a divorce, I suggest Reno!

CHERRY:

Oh. Help me up, Horace.

HORACE:

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) Sarah, this is awful. What did he mean about a divorce?

CHERRY:

Nothing. Nothing important. (BEAT) Well, where's my shoe?

HORACE:

I think he had it in his hand. Shall I go after him?

CHERRY:

No! Let him go! (EXHALES) Horace, you're sane, quiet, and soothing, aren't you?

HORACE:

Well, I-- (CHUCKLES) I'm conservative, yes.

CHERRY:

Yes, and that's what I want from now on.

MUSIC:

CLUB ORCHESTRA PLAYS "AULD LANG SYNE" ... IN BG

HORACE:

Oh, it's twelve o'clock, Sarah.

CHERRY:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Well, Happy New Year, Horace.

HORACE:

Happy New Year.

CHERRY:

(SADLY) Twelve o'clock and Cinderella's lost her slipper.

MUSIC:

"AULD LANG SYNE" UP TO FILL A PAUSE ... THEN FADES OUT SLOWLY

SOUND:

TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... THEN SCENE FADES IN

LUCY:

(INDIGNANT) Just what is the meaning of this scene?

ANTHONY:

I thought I made that clear. I'm looking for Sarah Brown, or Cherry Chester, or whatever she happens to be calling herself today.

LUCY:

She's not here!

ANTHONY:

She isn't? Well, I'll look for her myself.

LUCY:

Get out of this house! Get out or I'll have you arrested!

ANTHONY:

Now, now, I won't. And don't think you're frightening me. I've heard all about you, you antediluvian tyrant!

LUCY:

(STUNG) Oooooh!

ANTHONY:

Yeah, you don't impress me. I don't see anything so terrifying about you.

LUCY:

(STAMMERS) Well, what do you want?

ANTHONY:

What do I want? Do you see this slipper? I want the foot that goes in it. Do you see this marriage certificate? It's a claim check on a girl! A girl about five feet two, red hair, green eyes, face covered with freckles. She's willful, spoiled; has a terrible disposition--

LUCY:

My granddaughter!

ANTHONY:

My wife!

LUCY:

Your wife?! (REALIZES) Ohhhh. So you're Sam Smith?

ANTHONY:

Yeah, yeah. Don't hold that against me.

LUCY:

(IMPRESSED) You're very masterful, aren't you? That's just what Sarah needs.

ANTHONY:

(MISERABLE) Look, I don't know what she needs, but I need Sarah. Now, where is she?

LUCY:

Thanks to your bad temper and-- Well, my stupidity, your wife is catching the eleven o'clock train for Reno, where in due time, she expects to marry Horace van Steedan.

ANTHONY:

Well, wait a minute, I've got to stop her!

LUCY:

How?

ANTHONY:

Well, I don't know, but--

LUCY:

Wait! Wait, I have some influence in this town! (CALLS) Boyceeee! Get me the police department!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

TRAIN STATION BACKGROUND (MURMURING CROWD, IDLING ENGINES, CONDUCTOR YELLING, "Board!" ET CETERA)

HORACE:

Hurry, Sarah.

CHERRY:

I'm hurrying, Horace.

ANTHONY:

(APPROACHES) There he is, officer!

OFFICER:

Stop!

ANTHONY:

There he is!

OFFICER:

Stop!

CHERRY:

(SURPRISED) Sam?

HORACE:

(CHEERFUL) Hello, Sam! I--

ANTHONY:

Oh, thought you'd sneak out of town, eh? Here he is, officer.

OFFICER:

Come along, you.

HORACE:

Well, now wait. What have I done?

OFFICER:

Now, now, none of that. Come on, Benny.

HORACE:

Benny?

OFFICER:

"Boston" Benny. We know yuh! Escaped from Altoona a year ago.

HORACE:

Oh, that's ridiculous. I've never been in -- where'd you say? --

OFFICER:

Altoona.

HORACE:

--in Altoona in my life. Have I, Sarah?

CHERRY:

(LIKE A TOUGH MOVIE GUN MOLL) What's the use? They've got you dead to rights this time, Benny.

HORACE:

(SHOCKED) Sarah!

OFFICER:

(MOVING OFF) Come along, Benny.

HORACE:

(DRAGGED OFF) No, wait, this is a horrible mistake! You can't--

ANTHONY:

(BEAT, LOVINGLY) Oh, Sarah--

CHERRY:

(JUST AS LOVINGLY) Oh, Sammy.

ANTHONY:

(SLOWLY, SHEEPISHLY) Uh, darling--? Uh, let's talk things over.

CHERRY:

Yes.

ANTHONY:

Yeah.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... QUOTES "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

So ends Act Three of "The Moon's Our Home." In just a moment, Mr. DeMille and our stars will be back for their curtain call. And now let me remind you that this is our very last offer of the Lux Flakes "Gone with the Wind" brooch, the one designed from the exquisite pin worn in the movie "Gone with the Wind." You'd better send your order in immediately or it may be too late for you to own one of these stunning jewelry pieces.

SALLY:

And they really are stunning! So many of my friends have remarked about mine; especially about how rich and expensive-looking it is. But-- Well, the thing I like best is how lovely it looks on many different outfits, from a tailored suit to an evening dress. I think my "Gone with the Wind" brooch is one of the nicest presents I ever gave myself. And it certainly is the biggest bargain.

ANNOUNCER:

Sally is right. This brooch does make a beautiful present, for yourself or to give to your friends -- and yet it costs so little. It's entirely different from the Scarlett O'Hara brooch we offered last fall. Even lovelier. It's round and big -- almost two inches in diameter -- with an antique-style gold finish and a lovely cluster of simulated turquoise and pearls in the center; the kind of jewelry piece that every woman loves, because it's not only beautiful in itself, it's "fashion right." Now, here's how to get this wonderful bargain. Listen carefully, please, because this is the last time we are making this offer. First, buy a big box of Lux Flakes. You need this to take care of all nice washables: stockings, underthings, sweaters, and dresses. Next, tear off the opening tab at the top corner of the Lux box and mail it, with your name and address, and fifteen cents in coin -- no stamps, please -- to Lux, Box One, New York City. Lux, Box One, New York City. With your brooch, you'll get an illustrated order blank for matching jewelry pieces: ring, pendant, bracelet, earrings; all amazing bargains. But don't delay. Now, remember, send the opening tab from a big box of Lux Flakes, fifteen cents in coin, and your name and address, to Lux, Box One, New York City. This offer is good only in the United States. (BEAT) Now, here's Mr. DeMille with our stars.

HOST:

Once more the spotlight turns to Carole Lombard and Jimmy Stewart as they come back to this microphone.

STEWART:

Thank you, Mr. DeMille. You know, the thing I like about this Lux Radio Theatre is the way everything runs so perfectly. Never a miss anywhere.

LOMBARD:

Say, you're not going to play the accordion now, are you, Jimmy?

STEWART:

Oh. No, I - I didn't bring it tonight. I, er-- (BEAT) Should have been applause there.

LOMBARD:

(LAUGHS) ...

STEWART:

No, uh, this is no place for my accordion. Why, even the boys and girls that collect autographs at the door won't take just anything. For instance, there was that girl who stopped me on the way in tonight. She--

HOST:

You, er-- You surely didn't disappoint her, Jimmy.

STEWART:

Oh, no, I signed, and then I asked her what she was going to do with it and she said, "Well, if I can get Carole Lombard when the show's over, why, I know where I can trade both of ya for Clark Gable." ...

LOMBARD:

I'll have to speak to her. She can't make a bad bargain like that.

STEWART:

Oh, now, be polite, Carole. I might have to take back my autograph.

LOMBARD:

But seriously, Mr. DeMille, I have enjoyed very much coming back to Lux Radio Theatre. In the past few months I think you've really taken on a new assignment here. All entertainment is at a premium now and anything that lifts us out of the everyday routine for an hour or so is what we need at a time like this. America must be strong and we must keep it free by making it stronger still. While we're all working toward that end at the limit of our strength, we need the emotional outlet that a theater like this provides.

HOST:

Let me show you a little of our mail sometime, Carole, and you'll understand why we think of this as a national theater.

STEWART:

Well, what's going on in it next week, Mr. DeMille?

HOST:

Plenty of action, Jimmy. Our play is "Johnny Apollo" -- and our stars are Dorothy Lamour, Edward Arnold, and Burgess Meredith. "Johnny Apollo" is the story of a father and son who lost faith in each other and of a girl named Lucky who brought them together again. Next Monday night, you'll hear Edward Arnold as the father, Burgess Meredith as the son, and Dorothy Lamour as the girl named Lucky. The Twentieth Century-Fox picture made a hit on the screen and I have a distinct premonition it will do the same for us.

STEWART:

Well, that's a great story, Mr. DeMille, and you have a swell cast. Good night.

LOMBARD:

Good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE, IN BG

HOST:

Good night. Our stage doormat has "Welcome" on it for you two any time. Good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE OUT BEHIND--

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

HOST:

Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night, when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Dorothy Lamour, Edward Arnold, and Burgess Meredith in "Johnny Apollo." This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

This week, the nation is celebrating Boy Scout Week, the thirty-first anniversary of the Boy Scout movement in America. Today, a million and a half Scouts are training for democracy as active members of this great organization. Ladies and gentlemen, we invite you to join the Lux Radio Theatre in saluting the Boy Scouts of America.

James Stewart appeared tonight through the courtesy of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and is currently seen in this studio's production "Come Live with Me." Carole Lombard's current screen hit is "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," the RKO production which was directed by Alfred Hitchcock.

Heard in tonight's play were Clara Blandick as Lucy, Verna Felton as Boyce, Hans Conried as Horace, Lou Merrill as Holbrook, Charles Seel as Justice of the Peace, Rolfe Sedan as Abner, Stanley Farrar as Coachman, Gloria Blondell as Hilda, James Eagles as Hotel Clerk, Jack Carr as Porter, Celeste Rush as Miss Manning, and Noreen Gammill as Mrs. Simpson.

The brooch offered you by the makers of Lux Flakes was designed from one worn in "Gone with the Wind," the Selznick-International picture produced by David O. Selznick and released by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. Our music is directed by Louis Silvers and your announcer has been Melville Ruick.

MUSIC:

THEME ... IN BG, UNTIL END

SOUND:

APPLAUSE, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.