ANNOUNCER:

The Colgate-Palmolive-Peet Company, makers of Lustre Creme Shampoo and Colgate Dental Cream, bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden! And we should like to open our show with greetings and best wishes from Colgate-Palmolive-Peet for a gloriously merry Christmas! And now -- OUR MISS BROOKS!

MUSIC:

THEME

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's time once again for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS, under the direction of Al Lewis. Well, many of us are spending this Christmas Eve with our families and friends. But our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, isn't quite so fortunate.

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) No, my family was too far away to visit and it seems my friends had other plans. But I made up my mind not to brood about it and I was trimming a rather tiny tree in our living room, when Mrs. Davis, my landlady, joined me.

MRS. DAVIS:

That's quite a nice Christmas tree, Connie.

CONNIE:

It isn't really a Christmas tree, Mrs. Davis. It's called a Friendship Tree. You see, I trim it by putting all my greeting cards on the branches with strips of cellophane tape. Looks nice, doesn't it?

MRS. DAVIS:

Yes, it does. You certainly received some pretty cards this year.

CONNIE:

And the sentiments are so lovely. Look at this one I got from my principal.

MRS. DAVIS:

Mr. Conklin? What does it say, dear?

CONNIE:

It's very heartwarming, Mrs. Davis. It says, "To Miss Brooks, May the coming year bring you much more efficiency in your work. ... Signed, O. Conklin."

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, I can hardly believe it's Christmas time again. What happy memories I have of the earlier Christmases. There was one I'll never forget. I was just eight years old, and when I tiptoed into the living room, there was my father standing by the tree. The minute he saw me, his eyes crinkled up and he started to laugh so that his big white beard and his huge paunch just shook with glee.

CONNIE:

Your father was made up as Santa Claus?

MRS. DAVIS:

No. He always looked that way. ... But to get back to the present, Connie -- I'd love to stay here and celebrate Christmas Eve with you, but I promised my sister Angela I'd come over to her place. You remember Angela -- the absent-minded one?

CONNIE:

Oh, certainly, Mrs. Davis.

MRS. DAVIS:

She always got a big thrill out of the holidays, too -- even when we were girls. Of course, the poor dear could never remember when it was actually Christmas -- and one Christmas day she did the funniest thing!

CONNIE:

What was that, Mrs. Davis?

MRS. DAVIS:

What's what, dear? ...

CONNIE:

What did Angela do?

MRS. DAVIS:

Angela?

CONNIE:

Your sister.

MRS. DAVIS:

My sister?

CONNIE:

The absent-minded one. ... What did she do?

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, I haven't spoken to Angela in some time. What has she been up to? ...

CONNIE:

I wish I knew. Maybe I can refresh your memory. Christmas morning, Angela did the funniest thing.

MRS. DAVIS:

Christmas morning isn't until tomorrow, Connie. You must be confused. ...

CONNIE:

Well, don't worry about it. I only get these spells once in a while.

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, you shouldn't let it go, Connie. If you don't mind my offering a little advice, I'd like to suggest that you train your mind to concentrate more.

CONNIE:

I'll do it, Mrs. Davis.

MRS. DAVIS:

Now then, I've developed a little scheme which works wonders for me. Supposing you have trouble remembering where you put things around the house. Well, you just keep repeating the location to yourself with a sort of rhythm. For example, I just chant to myself, "The mustard's in the closet, the bread is in the box. The mustard's in the closet, the bread is in the box." Now, isn't that simple? "Mustard's in the closet, bread is in the box." ...

CONNIE:

That's wonderful, Mrs. Davis. If anybody wants a mustard sandwich, you're really ready. ...

MRS. DAVIS:

Yes. Now, before I do anything else, I want to invite you to join me tonight.

CONNIE:

Join you?

MRS. DAVIS:

Yes, dear. I'm going over to, uh-- To, uh--

CONNIE:

Angela's house.

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, yes, that's right. Oh, she's so cute with that little absent mind of hers. Why, sometimes she forgets what she was talking about right in the middle of a-- Oh, dear me, I hope there's enough milk for the cat.

CONNIE:

Well, I'm sure if we-- But then maybe someday-- Or, if it doesn't seem too-- And that's why I can't join you tonight. ... But thanks anyway, Mrs. Davis. I'll just spend a quiet evening at home here.

MRS. DAVIS:

But how about Mr. Boynton? Don't tell me he was too shy to ask you for a date on Christmas Eve.

CONNIE:

Why do you think there's mistletoe on all four walls? ... No, Mr. Boynton asked me, all right, but then he canceled yesterday. Said he's going upstate to visit his folks for a couple of days. But don't worry about me, Mrs. Davis. I'll have a gay time. I'll listen to the radio -- read -- and from this window, I can see our neighbors' television - antenna. ...

MRS. DAVIS:

But what about the little gifts you've got for Walter Denton and Mr. and Mrs. Conklin and Harriet? When are you going to deliver them?

CONNIE:

They told me not to bother. They said we'd exchange on the twenty-sixth.

MRS. DAVIS:

The twenty-sixth? But I don't think the day after Christmas is the time to exchange gifts.

CONNIE:

You don't? You should see the department stores. ...

MINERVA:

Meow!

CONNIE:

What's that, Mrs. Davis?

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, it's Minerva. (TO MINERVA, AS IF TO A BABY) Where are you, dear?

MINERVA:

(MIMICS HER TONE) Meow! ...

CONNIE:

Oh, she's over by the tree. (TO MINERVA) Here, Rover! Er, Minerva. ...

MRS. DAVIS:

Isn't it the strangest thing how she bites at the pine needles? I guess the resin in them appeals to her. I'd swear she likes the taste of it.

CONNIE:

I guess to her it's like a Tom and Jerry. Or rather a Minnie and a Mickey. ... Come here, Minerva. We might as well get friendly. We're gonna spend the evening together.

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, I'll be running along now, dear. I hope you won't feel too lonely.

CONNIE:

I'll be fine, Mrs. Davis. After all, I do have an imagination. I'll hang up my stocking in a little while; then, when I'm pretending I'm asleep, I'll sneak in and fill it. Before you know it, it'll be midnight.

MRS. DAVIS:

Ah, midnight - of Christmas Eve.

CONNIE:

I can just picture it. A short thin man in a black suit comes sliding down the chimney with an empty bag -- Saint Penniless, the schoolteacher's Santa Claus. ...

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, at least you're not bitter. ... Now, Connie, about my sister, er--

CONNIE:

Angela.

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, thank you, dear. About my sister Angela--

CONNIE:

Yes?

MRS. DAVIS:

Good night, Dorothy.

CONNIE:

Good night, Bernice. ... [APPLAUSE FOR MRS. DAVIS]

MINERVA:

Meoooow!

CONNIE:

Oh, stop drinking those pine needles, Minerva. Come over here. That's a good kitty. Now, I'll just settle down in Mrs. Davis' rocker and we'll have ourselves a nice quiet rock.

SOUND:

CREAK-CREEEEAK OF ROCKING CHAIR ...

CONNIE:

I've got to exercise more; my bones are rusting. ... Oh, it's the rocker. Kind of soothing, at that. You seem contented enough, Minerva.

MINERVA:

(AMBIVALENT) Myee-ooh. ...

CONNIE:

"'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

MINERVA:

(TENSE) Meow! ...

CONNIE:

Whoops! Sorry, Minerva. I didn't mean to upset you. (YAWNS) Gosh, I'm sleepy.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

(YAWNS) Now, who can that be? Expecting anyone, Minerva?

SOUND:

CONNIE RISES DURING ABOVE ... THEN WALKS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

CONNIE:

That's funny. Nobody's here.

URCHIN:

I'm here!

CONNIE:

Where? Oh! Leaning on my knee. What can I do for you?

URCHIN:

I'm a salesman. But I don't believe in giving any sales talk or sob stories. All I do is tell you what I'm selling. If you wanna buy, okay; if not, okay.

CONNIE:

Okay, what are you selling?

URCHIN:

Well, it's Christmas Eve. I'm just a small urchin -- a little on the underprivileged side. I'm trying to make a few dollars to get some wood to heat our tiny apartment so while she's singing to my three sick sisters, my mother's lips don't turn blue. ...

CONNIE:

That's what I like -- no sob stories. ... If you're selling handkerchiefs, I'll take six.

URCHIN:

No, ma'am. I'm selling Christmas trees. They're only a dollar apiece.

CONNIE:

Well, I've already got a tree.

URCHIN:

Then I'll make it fifty cents.

CONNIE:

But I don't need a tree--

URCHIN:

How 'bout a quarter?

CONNIE:

Look, little boy--

URCHIN:

I can arrange payments! ... Please take one, ma'am. These aren't ordinary trees, you know. They're magic!

CONNIE:

Magic?

URCHIN:

Yes, ma'am. You'd be surprised what miracles will happen if you buy one.

CONNIE:

Well, a quarter isn't too much to pay for a miracle.

URCHIN:

It's fifty cents.

CONNIE:

I thought you said twenty-five?

URCHIN:

That's when you sounded tougher to sell. ...

CONNIE:

Oh. Well, before I melt down to my coal buttons and the stovepipe hat, here's fifty cents.

URCHIN:

You won't be sorry, ma'am. Here's the little tree.

CONNIE:

Say, it's kind of cute, at that. Would you like to come in and help me set it up?

URCHIN:

Oh, I can't. I gotta get right home. My sitter's been alone long enough.

CONNIE:

Sitter? What about your mother? And the firewood?

URCHIN:

That's just a routine. My folks are attending a dinner the other bank presidents are giving for Father. ...

CONNIE:

With the pitch you've got, you'll have your own bank by the time you're twelve. ...

URCHIN:

Thanks a lot. Good night, lady. (MOVING OFF) And merry Christmas!

CONNIE:

Same to you, you little underprivileged millionaire. ...

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS ... CONNIE'S FOOTSTEPS BEHIND--

CONNIE:

I'll put this tree over here. Maybe we can find some extra trimmings for it in the morning.

MINERVA:

Meeeeoooowwww!

CONNIE:

Minerva, will you stop gnawing on those pine needles? (TO HERSELF) I wish I knew what made them so appetizing to her.

MINERVA:

(DRUNKENLY) Meeeeoooowwww! Hic!

CONNIE:

Oh. ... Now, you come here and let those things alone. (BEAT) There we are.

SOUND:

CREAK-CREAK OF ROCKER

CONNIE:

Well, I guess I'm not the only one that's spending Christmas Eve alone without family or friends. But who can tell? Maybe Santa Claus has something up his big red sleeve that I don't even know about yet. Of course, I do have a squeaky rocker and Minerva. (SINGS) "Jingle bells, jingle bells! Merry stuff like that. Oh, what fun it is to rock with a big fat drunken cat!" ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ("JINGLE BELLS")

CONNIE:

(NARRATES) As I sat in the living room Christmas Eve with Minerva the cat on my lap, I couldn't help noticing that the tree which I'd bought from that wealthy urchin had a rather peculiar luminosity. Although there wasn't any artificial illumination, it seemed to glow from deep down in its branches. As I rocked back and forth, I started to get very drowsy.

SOUND:

CREAK-CREAK OF ROCKER

CONNIE:

(YAWNS) The little boy said this tree was magic, Minerva.

MINERVA:

(SKEPTICAL) Meow!

CONNIE:

I don't believe it either. Still, it is Christmas Eve - (YAWNS) - and some very strange things have happened on Christmas Eve.

MUSIC:

MYSTICAL TRANSITION ("WHITE CHRISTMAS")

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

(WAKES) Huh? What's that? Oh. I must have been dozing. (CALLS) Coming!

SOUND:

CONNIE RISES AND HURRIES TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

CONNIE:

Well! It's Walter Denton! Come in, Walter.

WALTER:

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE, OVERENTHUSIASTIC) Noel! Noel! Joyeuse Noel! ...

CONNIE:

Gracias. ...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

CONNIE:

Come on into the living room, Walter.

SOUND:

CONNIE AND WALTER WALK TO LIVING ROOM BEHIND--

WALTER:

Thanks, Miss Brooks. Here, I brought you this little gift to put under your tree.

CONNIE:

Oh, that was very thoughtful, Walter. Put it under this tree over here.

WALTER:

Okay. Say, you've got two trees, haven't ya?

CONNIE:

Yes, one for Minerva and one for me.

MINERVA:

(UNSTEADY) Meow!

WALTER:

What?

CONNIE:

Don't pay any attention to her. She's pine-needle-happy. ...

WALTER:

Oh. Well, Miss Brooks, as you know, I was supposed to spend the evening nestled snugly in the tight little confines of my own small immediate family circle.

CONNIE:

For heaven's sakes, come out of there. You're giving me claustrophobia.

WALTER:

But I went to my father and mother and crove their permission--

CONNIE:

Wait a minute, Walter. You crove their permission?

WALTER:

Yeah. "Crave, craven crove," isn't it?

CONNIE:

Of course not. (TRIES TO CORRECT HIM) "Crave, crave--" Let's see. "Crave, craven--" (GIVES UP) After you crove their permission-- ...

WALTER:

Well, they waived my presence for a long enough while for me to deliver to you, Miss Brooks, the little token of my esteem and affection which is now ensconcing under the tree.

CONNIE:

Walter, are you still in my English class?

WALTER:

Sure, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

Well, I'd better bone up a little. One of us is gonna flunk this term. ...

WALTER:

But what I'd like to say, Miss Brooks, is something that I've wanted to say for a long time.

CONNIE:

Yes, Walter?

WALTER:

It's a little on the sentimental side, perhaps, for a so-called "hep" high school boy to be telling the teacher, but -- it's sincere, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

I'm sure it is.

WALTER:

It's something I feel deep down inside of me, Miss Brooks, from whence so many of one's warmer emotions stem.

CONNIE:

That's whence they stem from, all right. ...

WALTER:

Of course, even if it does seem over-sentimental or even downright sticky, Christmas Eve seems to be the time you can say things like this and not sound over-sentimental or sticky.

CONNIE:

(IMPATIENT) Christmas Eve is the time to say them. I just hope I hear them by New Year's Eve. ...

WALTER:

What I want you to know, Miss Brooks, is that I'm grateful.

CONNIE:

For what?

WALTER:

For my association with you during the past semester at Madison High School.

CONNIE:

Well, thank you, Walter. I've tried to be a capable teacher--

WALTER:

Oh, your teaching was nothing! ... I don't mean scholastically. As a teacher, you were very adequate. I mean personally. The interest you took in me and my problems. For that, I could never thank you if I live to be a hundred. Of course, you'd be gone a long time by then. ...

CONNIE:

Joyeux Noel to you, too. ...

WALTER:

You don't know what it's meant to me to have your ear whenever I needed it.

CONNIE:

It was nothing, really. I have another one. ...

WALTER:

Especially about girls. Gosh, remember how silly I used to act about girls? Every time one of 'em looked at me, I giggled like a kid. And then overnight, I matured. I met the one woman who mattered -- Harriet Conklin. (SMOTHERS A GIGGLE THROUGH HIS NOSE) ...

CONNIE:

She certainly made something out of you, Walter. I don't know what, but something. ...

WALTER:

And you saw me though the difficult transition period of that amour as well -- while Harriet and I were adjusting to one another. It was wonderful to be able to come to you for advice, Miss Brooks. It isn't every boy who has such an interest taken in him by some intelligent elderly person. ...

CONNIE:

Give me back my ear; I can't hear you. ...

WALTER:

Not that you're ancient or anything. Gosh, I've seen girls who don't look as good as you do. ...

CONNIE:

Girls? What do you think I am?

MINERVA:

(AS A MATTER OF FACT) Meow--

CONNIE:

Shut up, Minerva. ...

WALTER:

By the way, Miss Brooks, I see ya got lots of mistletoe on the walls. Were you expecting Mr. Boynton tonight?

CONNIE:

Yes, Walter, I was. We were going for a wheelchair ride together. ... But he had to visit his folks upstate.

WALTER:

His folks? Gosh, they must be well along in years.

CONNIE:

His father's over fifty. They may shoot him next spring. ... Look, Walter, while you're here, you might as well pick up the little gift I got for you.

WALTER:

(SLOWLY) Oh, but you shouldn't have, Miss Brooks! (QUICKLY) Where is it? ...

CONNIE:

Under the tree, on your right. It isn't much. Just a remembrance.

WALTER:

Well, gee, I almost forgot. I can't open it yet.

CONNIE:

Why not? Oh, you mean you want to put it under your tree at home and open it with your family?

WALTER:

Not exactly, but-- Well, I'll get it later, Miss Brooks.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

WALTER:

Ooh, there they are now! I'll answer it!

CONNIE:

There who are now?

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, WALTER'S FOOTSTEPS HURRY TO DOOR WHICH OPENS, OFF

WALTER:

(OFF) Come on in, folks! She was all alone when I got here!

HARRIET:

(OFF) Then it's really a surprise, isn't it?

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES, OFF

CONKLIN:

(DOUR) We should have stayed home Christmas Eve. Besides, it's freezing out.

MRS. CONKLIN:

Now, Osgood, don't be so grouchy. (UP) Hello, Miss Brooks! Merry Christmas!

CONNIE:

Why, it's Mr. and Mrs. Conklin, and Harriet. How are you all?

CONKLIN:

I'm cold. ...

CONNIE:

Oh, that's too bad. Come here, Minerva; rub up against Mr. Conklin.

MINERVA:

Meow!

CONKLIN:

What's that? Go away, cat.

MRS. CONKLIN:

She seems to like you, Osgood. Or - or is she hungry, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

She's not that hungry. ...

CONKLIN:

I don't like cats. Why doesn't she go chase a mouse or something?

CONNIE:

You forget, Mr. Conklin. This is Christmas Eve. There isn't one stirring.

MINERVA:

(SMUG GIGGLE) Mmmmmmm! ...

WALTER:

(AMOROUS) Say, Harriet--?

HARRIET:

Yes, Walter?

WALTER:

There's a lot of mistletoe around this room.

HARRIET:

I know. It's real pretty.

MRS. CONKLIN:

(AMOROUS) Osgood? Notice all the mistletoe in this room?

CONKLIN:

What? Oh, that green stuff. ... More often than not, it makes me sneeze.

MRS. CONKLIN:

Oh, come on, Osgood, let's see if it does.

CONKLIN:

Oh, now, Martha, don't embarrass me. I don't want to--

WALTER:

It doesn't make you sneeze, does it, Harriet?

HARRIET:

I'm willing to find out! Here's a nice wreath of it on this wall.

WALTER:

Yeah. (BEAT) Well, here we are. ...

HARRIET:

Yes. Here we are.

WALTER & HARRIET:

(AFTER A BEAT, THEY BOTH SUPPRESS A GIGGLE THROUGH THEIR NOSES) ...

WALTER:

May I, Mr. and Mrs. Conklin?

MRS. CONKLIN:

If it's all right with Harriet, it's all right with us.

HARRIET:

Well, come on, Walter, we're getting old!

WALTER:

(BIG KISS!) Oh, gosh, you're sweet, Harriet!

MRS. CONKLIN:

Isn't that cute, Osgood? Oh, come here, dear. How about one for your faithful old wife?

CONKLIN:

Well, it is customary, I guess. There. I'm under the stuff. ...

MRS. CONKLIN:

Now, pucker up, dear.

CONKLIN:

Very well, very we-- (STARTS BUILDING TO A SNEEZE) Ah--! Ah--! You see? I told you, I told-- (BIG SNEEZE!) AHHHH-CHOO! ... Now, let's stop this romantic dribble and act like adult human beings. Miss Brooks, I'd like to take advantage of this visit to inquire as to your plans for the coming year's classwork. Do you have your schedule all laid out?

CONNIE:

Frankly, Mr. Conklin, I haven't had much chance to work on anything.

CONKLIN:

Haven't had much of a chance? But you've been away from school all week. Your vacation started last Monday.

CONNIE:

I know, Mr. Conklin, and that's what I took the week as. I mean, a vacation is something you go on when you get the opportunity to. You don't work on it, or during it, unless-- Even though I didn't actually go anywhere, when my vacation came along, I went on it. Or was on one. Usually. ...

CONKLIN:

And you wanted to be the head of the English department. ...

MRS. CONKLIN:

Please, Osgood, this is no time to talk of school affairs. We're here to spend part of our holiday with Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

It was very nice of you to think about me, Mrs. Conklin. It was nice of all of you. I want to-- Where are Walter and Harriet?

CONKLIN:

Denton! Get my daughter away from that mistletoe at once.

WALTER:

But, Mr. Conklin, Harriet isn't allergic to mistletoe.

CONKLIN:

No, but I'm allergic to you. ...

WALTER:

Harriet's almost irresistible sometimes. Especially alongside older women like Mrs. Conklin and Miss Brooks.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

Sounds like the bell. I'll get it.

SOUND:

CONNIE WALKS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

CONNIE:

Why, Mr. Boynton! Come in.

BOYNTON:

Thanks, Miss Brooks.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

CONNIE:

But I thought you were going upstate to see your folks.

BOYNTON:

I was, but they sent me a wire that they wanted to come here for about a week or so. They'll arrive in the morning so I thought I'd drop this little gift off for you tonight.

CONNIE:

(SLOWLY) Oh, but you shouldn't have! (QUICKLY) Where is it? Heh heh. ... Let's just put it under the tree in the living room.

SOUND:

CONNIE AND BOYNTON'S FOOTSTEPS INTO LIVING ROOM

CONNIE:

Look who's here, everybody!

HARRIET:

Well! It's Mr. Boynton!

WALTER:

Hi, there, Mr. B!

MRS. CONKLIN:

This is nice.

CONKLIN:

Hello, Boynton. Pretty cold out, isn't it? ...

BOYNTON:

Hello, folks.

CONNIE:

This is beginning to get more like Christmas Eve every minute. Sit down, Mr. Boynton. (AMOROUS) I'm certainly glad your folks decided to visit you instead of vice versa.

BOYNTON:

So am I. There's a particularly good reason why I'm glad.

CONNIE:

(HER HOPES UP) There is?

BOYNTON:

Yes. It gives me a chance to see how my guinea pigs are affected by this cold snap. ... So far they haven't reacted at all.

CONNIE:

(HER HOPES DOWN) What do you expect them to do? Blow on their paws? ...

MRS. CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks? Have you pointed out the mistletoe to Mr. Boynton?

CONKLIN:

Oh, why don't you stop that nonsense, Martha?

MRS. CONKLIN:

It isn't nonsense. (TO BOYNTON) Mr. Boynton? Look at the mistletoe.

BOYNTON:

Mistletoe? Oh. Oh, yes. A very interesting example of the flora found in various areas throughout the globe. ... An evergreen parasitic shrub, it is indigenous to the regions where apple trees and oaks abound.

CONNIE:

Now that the lecture is over, may we ask questions?

BOYNTON:

Certainly, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

(HUNGRILY) Wanna stand under it? ...

BOYNTON:

Stand under it? (UNEASILY) Well, you see, because of certain characteristics in its make-up, an allergy is sometimes aggravated by its presence.

CONNIE:

I'll take a chance if you will!

HARRIET:

Come on, Mr. Boynton!

WALTER:

Yeah, come on, Mr. Boynton!

CONNIE:

Just bring him over to this wall here.

BOYNTON:

Well, I'll get under it, if you like.

HARRIET:

(BEAT) Well, don't just stand there! Can't you see Miss Brooks is cooking?

BOYNTON:

Well, don't fuss for me; I couldn't eat a thing. ...

CONNIE:

Mr. Boynton, don't you know what standing under the mistletoe signifies?

BOYNTON:

Well, I know what it signifies to most people, but - (STARTS BUILDING TO A SNEEZE) - but to me - it - it - (BIG SNEEZE!) AHHH-CHOO! ...

CONNIE:

Well, there goes eighty-five cents worth of mistletoe. ...

WALTER:

I know what let's do! Let's open up the presents right now!

HARRIET:

Swell!

MRS. CONKLIN:

A splendid suggestion, Walter.

CONKLIN:

Uh, shouldn't we wait until just before we leave? Might be less embarrassing that way. ...

CONNIE:

Well, if you want to open them now--

WALTER:

Zowie! This one tree's pretty crowded. I'll put some of these packages under this little one over here.

HARRIET:

Look out, Walter, you're bumping into one of the branches! Look out!

SOUND:

BOING! WITH A MYSTICAL ECHOING AFTER-EFFECT

WALTER:

Gosh, I got the funniest feeling when I touched that branch.

HARRIET:

What kind of a feeling, Walter?

WALTER:

Why, you're Harriet Conklin, aren't ya?

HARRIET:

Well, sure I'm Harriet Conklin. Walter, what's the matter with you?

WALTER:

Nothing. Nothing's the matter with me. It's just that I want to tell you something. Harriet, you've gotta change. You ought to try to be more like Miss Brooks.

HARRIET:

Well, what do you mean, Walter?

WALTER:

If you want me to stay interested in ya, you gotta be more alluring, youthful, glamorous -- feminine in that real feline Brooks way! ...

CONNIE:

Walter, have you been drinking pine needles, too? ...

MRS. CONKLIN:

Look at that tree. It seems to be glowing.

CONKLIN:

What do you mean glowing? It's just the reflection from the street light. This party's giving me the meemies. ... Holidays indeed. Here, I'll just move the tree where it won't glisten in our eyes. Here we go.

SOUND:

BOING! WITH A MYSTICAL ECHOING AFTER-EFFECT

CONKLIN:

(LOUD AND HEARTY) Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! ...

CONNIE:

Why, Mr. Conklin--

CONKLIN:

Of course I'm Mr. Conklin! Happy-go-lucky, fun-loving, gag-a-minute Osgood! ...

MRS. CONKLIN:

"Gag-a-minute Osgood"?

CONNIE:

Sometimes I've wanted to. ...

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks, is that really you standing there?!

CONNIE:

I think so, Mr. Conklin. Why do you ask?

CONKLIN:

Because you suddenly look so different! So intelligent! ... Miss Brooks, I have made up my mind! You are now head of the Madison High English department! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

CONNIE:

Well, thank you, fun-loving Osgood. ...

CONKLIN:

I'm going to put this wonderful tree where it belongs -- right in the center of the room! Give me a hand, Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Yes, sir, Mr. Conklin. I'll just take this end here and--

SOUND:

BOING! WITH A MYSTICAL ECHOING AFTER-EFFECT

BOYNTON:

Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Yes, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

(DEEP-VOICED AND VIRILE) Come here, baby. ...

CONNIE:

What?

BOYNTON:

I said, come here, Connie. ...

CONNIE:

(QUICKLY) You did not. You said, "Come here, baby" and I'm here! ...

WALTER:

Look! He's taking her over to the mistletoe!

HARRIET:

Isn't it wonderful?

CONNIE:

(NERVOUS) What are you going to do, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

Just call me Phil, Connie. And this is what I'm gonna do.

SOUND:

SQUEALS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM STUDIO AUDIENCE AS BOYNTON APPARENTLY TIPS CONNIE BACKWARD AND GIVES HER LONG KISS

BOYNTON:

Well, Connie? How does that make you feel? ...

CONNIE:

I feel like I'm in a dream, Philip -- a wonderful, beautiful dream.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION OUT OF THE DREAM ("WHITE CHRISTMAS")

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

(HALF-ASLEEP, MURMURS TO HERSELF) Mr. Boynton? Mr. Boynton? Mr. Boynton, where are you? (WAKES) Where did everybody go? Oh, I must have been dreaming! ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

Well, that's real enough. (CALLS) I'll be right there!

MINERVA:

Meow!

CONNIE:

Oh, sorry, Minerva -- I didn't mean to drop you.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

CROWD:

Merry Christmas, Miss Brooks! Surprise! Merry Christmas!

CONKLIN:

(HIS OLD DOUR SELF) I'm cold. ...

CONNIE:

Why, it's the Conklins, and Walter, and Mr. Boynton. But you all just left. I mean, come in!

SOUND:

THE CROWD TRAMPS INTO THE LIVING ROOM BEHIND--

MRS. CONKLIN:

We thought it would be nice if we spent our Christmas Eve together, Miss Brooks.

HARRIET:

Yes, and we brought a few little gifts over for you.

WALTER:

I'll just put 'em under this tree here.

CONNIE:

Yes, do that, Walter.

BOYNTON:

Aren't you going to ask me why I didn't go upstate, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

I know why, Mr. Boynton. Your folks are coming down to see you.

BOYNTON:

Well, how did you know that? I just got the telegram.

CONKLIN:

Uh, don't let's get too carried away with the holidays. We've got to prepare for a hard school season ahead, Miss Brooks.

MRS. CONKLIN:

Oh, let's not talk about school affairs now, Osgood.

HARRIET:

(AMOROUS) Walter, look at the mistletoe.

WALTER:

Yeah, look at it.

CONNIE:

Now, just a minute. Before we go through all that again ... would you please touch the tree, Mr. Boynton? The one on the left with the-- Why, it's gone. There's only one tree.

BOYNTON:

Miss Brooks, are you all right?

CONNIE:

Of course I'm all right. (TO HERSELF) Could I have dreamt that part, too? (UP) Mr. Boynton, would you do me a favor, please?

BOYNTON:

Of course, Miss Brooks. What is it?

CONNIE:

Would you touch the Christmas tree?

BOYNTON:

Touch it? But I--

CONNIE:

Please. It's important.

BOYNTON:

Oh, all right. (BEAT) There.

CONNIE:

(BEAT) Nothing happened. ...

BOYNTON:

What did you expect would happen?

CONNIE:

A miracle. ...

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS

URCHIN:

I'm a little urchin and I'm selling magic Christmas trees.

CONNIE:

But you just came here--

URCHIN:

Please buy one, lady. They only cost fifty cents apiece.

CONNIE:

Fifty cents?

URCHIN:

That's right.

CONNIE:

Here's two dollars. Give me four of them! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

And now, once again, here is Eve Arden.

ARDEN:

From the bottom of my heart to you in the audience -- to you in every home, on every road, in every city and town, in the busy places and in the lonely places -- oh, a very merry Christmas to each of you. With our sponsor, the Colgate-Palmolive-Peet Company, who make Lustre Creme Shampoo and Colgate Dental Cream, all of us here in the studio have gathered to wish all of you throughout our beautiful and bountiful land the most joyous of Christmases. And may these words ring 'round the world and sink deep in the heart of everyone -- "Peace on earth; good will towards men." Merry, merry Christmas, everyone.

MUSIC:

THEME ... TILL END

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to MR. AND MRS. NORTH. Tune in Tuesday evening over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS. Bob Lemond speaking. Stay tuned now for JACK BENNY. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE