SOUND:

MAISIE'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... A MAN GIVES HER A BIG "WOLF WHISTLE," THEN A SECOND MAN GIVES HER A SIMILAR WHISTLE ... BUT SHE IGNORES THEM AND KEEPS WALKING UNTIL--

MAN ON THE STREET:

Hiya, babe! Say, how about--?

SOUND:

MAISIE SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE

MAN ON THE STREET:

Ouch!

MAISIE:

Does that answer your question, buddy?

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

"The Adventures of Maisie," starring Ann Sothern.

MUSIC:

THEME ... JAZZ WITH A SEXY GROWLING TRUMPET ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

You all remember Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer's famous "Maisie" pictures. In just a moment you'll hear Maisie in radio, starring the same glamorous star you all went to see and loved on the screen -- Ann Sothern. But first, your announcer.

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE FOR LOCAL ANNOUNCER'S SPIEL, THEN FADES OUT ... THEN A BRIEF FANFARE ... THEN IN BG, EVENTUALLY FADING OUT BEHIND MAISIE--

ANNOUNCER:

And now here's Ann Sothern as Maisie.

MAISIE:

(NARRATES) Yep, I'm Maisie, like the man said. Maisie Ravier of Brooklyn. I'm in show business, you know. You'll pardon me for always mentionin' it, but since my last good jobs have been as stenographer, music teacher, receptionist, wrestling promoter, waitress, and undertaker's assistant, you might forget about the show business part. You see, my heart's in show business, but my stomach insists that I take a few jobs that pay money. But I keep on tryin'. And right now I'm gonna see my -- ha! -- agent, Squirmin' Herman. You'd like Herman -- that is, if you happen to like weasels. To give you an idea of what a sweet guy he is, he got his mother a job as the queen of the powder room in a nightclub, and he charges her ten percent commission. But as somebody once said, "Who wants an honest man for an agent?" Well, Herman was glad to see me, he said.

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS ... MAISIE'S STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES

MAISIE:

Hello, Herman.

HERMAN:

Hello, Maisie. Gee, I'm glad to see ya, doll. Sorry I can't give you any more time, but I'm glad you dropped in. Now I'll call you as soon as I--

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, HERMAN CROWDS MAISIE TO THE OFFICE DOOR, WHICH OPENS

MAISIE:

(INTERRUPTS GENTLY) Hey, now wait a minute. You can't brush me off like this, Herman.

HERMAN:

Look, Maisie, I'm very busy right now. I'm expecting an important call from Hollywood any minute.

MAISIE:

Oh, quit kiddin' me, Herman. You couldn't accept a collect call from Chicago without goin' bankrupt. I want to know what you've been doin' to get me a job. Come on, tell me a few nice fat lies.

HERMAN:

Maisie, do I ever lie to you?

MAISIE:

Herman, you never even once told me the truth.

HERMAN:

Well, okay, so I'm a skunk. So sue me. And just when I'm working on a sensational job for you.

MAISIE:

The last sensational job you had for me was ringmaster in a flea circus.

HERMAN:

This is nothing like that.

MAISIE:

You mean this is nothin', period. Whyn't you go out and get me a decent job at a decent salary for a change?

HERMAN:

Look, Maisie, if you don't like the representation you're getting, you don't have to stay with me. Get another crook to handle ya.

MAISIE:

Oh, now relax, Herman. There's only one complaint I got. You never sell me anywhere.

HERMAN:

You aren't easy to sell, Maisie. You got too much experience. What producers want is an inexperienced fresh young girl who's been in the theater all her life. You don't fit into that caricature.

MAISIE:

Maybe I'd better get another agent.

HERMAN:

Yeah, why don't ya? In the meantime I'll let you know if I get anything for ya, but don't call me, I'll call you.

MAISIE:

Mm hm, I've heard that before, too.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... MAISIE'S STEPS TO PHONE

MAISIE:

I'll take it.

HERMAN:

Maisie!

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

MAISIE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Yes, this is his confidential secretary speakin'. -- I see. -- Well, confidentially, it doesn't surprise me. -- Yeah. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

HERMAN:

Maisie, you can't do that. This is a bigger organization than you realize. I'm no coffee and cakes agent. I'm making important money. Who was that? Some important actor, I suppose.

MAISIE:

It was the telephone company and they're disconnecting your phone.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

HOUSE DOOR CLOSES ... MAISIE'S STEPS IN

MRS. K:

Is that you, Maisie?

MAISIE:

Yeah, what's left of me.

MRS. K:

Mmm. Well, there's a girl here waiting in the sitting room to see you, Maisie.

MAISIE:

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Kennedy. I'll go right in.

MRS. K:

She didn't say what she wanted, but she's a quiet, mousy little thing.

MAISIE:

Oh. Oh, that must be Jenny Perkins. She's the shy type.

MRS. K:

Your ever-loving boyfriend Eddie poked his head in and said "Hi, babe" to her and she blushed until her ears were the color of tangerine skins.

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) I'll see what she wants.

SOUND:

MAISIE'S STEPS TO SITTING ROOM DOOR, WHICH OPENS

MAISIE:

Hello, Jenny.

JENNY:

Oh, hello, Maisie. I hope you'll forgive me for coming over and imposing on you, but I'm in a terribly embarrassing spot.

MAISIE:

What's the trouble? Have you fallen in love?

JENNY:

Oh, it isn't a man. I wish it were. But it isn't. But it's sort of about men.

MAISIE:

Oh.

JENNY:

You see, I've written a novel, and Lyman and Brewster, the publishers, want to buy it.

MAISIE:

What's embarrassin' about that? Did you steal the story instead of doin' it the old-fashioned way and thinkin' it up yourself?

JENNY:

Oh, no. No, no no. It's just that the novel is sort of-- (SHYLY) Well, it's kind of exciting, in a way.

MAISIE:

Ahh. (CHUCKLE)

JENNY:

I mean, there's one girl, and lots and lots of men. And, er--

MAISIE:

(QUIETLY SURPRISED) Jenny? Ya mean it's spicy?

JENNY:

(TOO EMBARRASSED TO SPEAK) Mmm-- Mmm--

MAISIE:

Why, Jenny Perkins! Wow, look at those ears light up.

JENNY:

Oh, now, please, Maisie. I'm embarrassed enough about it as it is.

MAISIE:

But how could you write a spicy book? Why, I've never even seen you out with a man.

JENNY:

(CONFIDENTIALLY) I made it all up, Maisie. I used my imagination. Besides, I live right across from the park near the Brooklyn Navy Yard. I have a pair of binoculars and, believe me, I've seen plenty.

MAISIE:

Well, I guess that's one way of gettin' story material. Er, what's the name of the book?

JENNY:

(HESITANT) Well, I call it "The--" "The Lusty Lady."

MAISIE:

Ohhh.

JENNY:

It's the name of a sailing ship, but the ship was named after my heroine, Louisiana Lawford.

MAISIE:

Well, does she get married?

JENNY:

Um, sometimes she does.

MAISIE:

Mmm.

JENNY:

Her first husband is her second mate. And her second mate is the captain. And her third mate is the first mate. Do you understand?

MAISIE:

Yeah, but who's on first?

JENNY:

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Well, anyway, the publisher wanted me to come in and have lunch with him. His, um-- His letter sounded sort of-- You know-- (WOLF WHISTLE)

MAISIE:

Oh. Yeah, I know.

JENNY:

I said no. And then he wrote and said he wanted a picture of me to put on the back cover. He said I should be wearing either an evening gown, or a bathing suit, or--

MAISIE:

Oh, I catch on. There'll no doubt be a sensational picture of your heroine on the front jacket of the book, and he wants somethin' just as interesting on the back.

JENNY:

That's right, Maisie.

MAISIE:

Yeah.

JENNY:

And I-- Well, look at me. I'm just not the type.

MAISIE:

Well--

JENNY:

If I were the right type, I'd never have had time to write the book.

MAISIE:

Oh, yeah.

JENNY:

I was wondering-- Well, do you know anybody who would let me use her picture to send in to the publisher?

MAISIE:

Well, what kind of a girl do you want to be like?

JENNY:

(REVERENTLY) Like you, Maisie.

MAISIE:

(PLEASED) Oh, well, swell! You can have a picture of mine to send in then.

JENNY:

(EXCITED) Could I really?!

MAISIE:

Uh huh.

JENNY:

Oh, Maisie, how wonderful! Oh, thank you! And if anybody asks, just say you wrote the book under the name of Jenny Perkins.

MAISIE:

Sure. And what's more, we'll find a picture that'll really knock that publisher right off his couch.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MRS. K:

(APPROACHES) Oh, Maisie, where are you?

MAISIE:

Right here, Mrs. Kennedy.

MRS. K:

Maisie, you know that girl who came to see you a month or so ago?

MAISIE:

Yeah.

MRS. K:

She was here and left a couple of copies of a book called "The Lusty Lady" and there's a picture of you on the back of it! And what a picture!

MAISIE:

Oh, yeah, I was wonderin' what happened. She wrote the book and I loaned her my picture. Oh, but keep it a secret. I'm supposed to be the author, if anybody asks ya.

MRS. K:

You are, huh?

MAISIE:

(YES) Mm hm.

MRS. K:

(DOUBTFUL) Have you - read any of this?

MAISIE:

No. Is it good?

MRS. K:

I don't know, but it's hot enough to be a bestseller. It burned right through the living room table.

MAISIE:

Oh, stop it. Let's see my picture.

SOUND:

BOOK HANDED OVER

MRS. K:

Here. That alone'll keep this book on the outskirts of Boston.

MAISIE:

Hey! It's pretty good!

MRS. K:

If you'll read about yourself there, you'll see that it says the heroine, Louisiana Lawford, is a thinly disguised version of the author -- and that's you.

MAISIE:

Oh, my gosh. Let's look inside and see what my character is like.

SOUND:

BOOK OPENED ... PAGES FLIPPED BEHIND--

MRS. K:

I'll be frank, dear. You haven't got any character. You're just all woman and you have a hilarious life.

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) Let's see. (READS) "Jim ran his rough hands through my hair and I felt his salty lips on my ear. 'Lou,' he whispered hoarsely, 'Lou, forget about Steve and Michael and Richard, and think of me. I love you and I'm going to--'" (BEAT, ASTONISHED) Wow.

MRS. K:

Go on, go on. Keep reading.

MAISIE:

Oh, I - I don't know you well enough, Mrs. Kennedy. I'll try someplace else. (SOUND: PAGES FLIPPED) Here. (READS) "Geoffrey slipped his steel-muscled arm around my waist and drew me fiercely close to him."

MRS. K:

Keep on going.

MAISIE:

(READS) "His lips were curved in a crooked smile and his eyes flamed as he looked me over. I blushed under his frank appraisal." (DISMAYED) Gee, isn't it a little late for her to be blushin'?

MRS. K:

She blushes so much in the first chapter, they think she's an Indian.

MAISIE:

Well, I'll flip through a little more. (SOUND: PAGES FLIPPED) (BEAT) Oh, boy. (READS) "Lord Elwood was a polished and meticulous gentleman until the huge ironbound door of his castle shut behind us, and then I saw the savage beast of the man who hid behind the polite smile and the ruffled shirt." (TO MRS. K) Doesn't this girl ever run into a quiet man?

MRS. K:

Yes, and he leaves her a fortune when he dies on the next page.

MAISIE:

And to think that little mousy Jenny Perkins wrote this literary blow torch.

MRS. K:

Oh, don't be silly, Maisie. You wrote it. At least, that's what everybody's gonna think, and you might as well get used to being the author.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP

MRS. K:

(INTO PHONE) Mrs. Kennedy's rooming house. Her speaking. -- Oh, yes, just a minute. (TO MAISIE) For you, Maisie.

MAISIE:

Thanks. (INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Oh, hello, Jenny. -- Yeah, I just saw the book and all I have to say is "Wow." -- Huh? Oh, well, gee, I don't know, Jenny. -- Yeah, I guess it'd be good publicity, but-- -- Well, all right, Jenny. I'll - I'll be glad to visit the publisher. I'll make like I'm a society girl, too, huh? -- Okay. -- Yeah, I promise. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

MAISIE:

I guess that publisher's been pantin' away in his little office ever since he saw my picture. She wants me to see him today.

MRS. K:

That ought to be fun. But what was it she made you promise?

MAISIE:

She made me promise I wouldn't say "ain't."

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

BREWSTER:

(LEERINGLY) Oh, Miss Perkins, I can't tell you how I've looked forward to meeting you.

MAISIE:

(LIKE A SOCIETY GIRL, SWEETLY) Well, dear Mr. Brewster -- (CHUCKLES) -- now that you've met me, you don't have to look quite so far forward, do you?

BREWSTER:

Excuse me, I didn't realize I was leaning.

MAISIE:

(CHUCKLES) That's better.

BREWSTER:

My, my, my! You are lovely. And, Jenny, I found your book an exciting experience. It, er-- Well, it brought out the brute in me, the savage primal man calling to his mate.

MAISIE:

Why, Mr. Brewster--

BREWSTER:

It made the hair on my chest stick right through my shirt! (PASSIONATELY) Come here, Jenny.

MAISIE:

(POLITELY) Er, but, Mr. Brewster, I just wrote about all that. I haven't had time to do any personal experimentation, and I don't want to start right now.

BREWSTER:

Oh, Jenny, I just want to crush you to me in a fierce embrace and, er--! (PUZZLED) Er, how did it go in the book?

MAISIE:

(NONCHALANT) "Feel my fiery lips on yours"?

BREWSTER:

Er, thank you. (PASSIONATE AGAIN) And feel your fiery lips on mine in a flaming kiss that sets my senses blazing. That's all I want. Come here, Jenny.

MAISIE:

You don't want me. You want a soldering iron.

BREWSTER:

(COOLS DOWN) Er-- All right, Jenny. I'll behave. I believe I have myself under control now.

MAISIE:

Well, your ears are still twitching a bit, but that's not a danger signal. Now then, uh, what did you want to see me about?

BREWSTER:

(SADLY) I'm afraid we've just discussed that. Here, will you sit down on the couch?

MAISIE:

(SKEPTICAL) And discuss it all over again?

BREWSTER:

(HALF TO HIMSELF) Oh, what was it that Chaucer said about women? Oh, no, I'm wrong. That's what Sherman said about war. (BEAT, TO MAISIE) Well, there are other things. We want to do a lot of publicity on you: pictures, interviews, stories of your life, literary teas, autographing parties at the big department stores.

MAISIE:

Oh, well, wait a minute. That's wonderful, but I - I haven't time for all that.

BREWSTER:

Well, what could be more important?

MAISIE:

Well, dear fellow, I have other interests, you know. I go big-game hunting. I play polo--

BREWSTER:

(DISBELIEF) Polo?

MAISIE:

Disguised as a man, of course. I manage a minor league baseball team--

BREWSTER:

Well, that's wonderful, but you can't do that right now. Your contract with us specifies that you agree to help us with publicity and promotion for the book. Now, you're going to be busy every day for weeks.

MAISIE:

But how will I earn a living? I mean--

BREWSTER:

You're going to make a fortune out of this book, Jenny!

MAISIE:

Oh, this is terrible.

BREWSTER:

What's terrible?

MAISIE:

Well, you won't understand, but for the first time in my life I've got a chance to make a name for myself and it isn't gonna do me a bit of good!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

"The Adventures of Maisie," starring Ann Sothern, will continue in just a moment.

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE, THEN FADES OUT

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT WITH SOUND--

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to Maisie.

SOUND:

HOUSE DOOR CLOSES ... MAISIE'S STEPS IN

MAISIE:

(WEARILY) Oh, I made it! I never thought I'd get home.

MRS. K:

(APPROACHES) Maisie, what happened to you? You look like you just got caught in a street sweeper.

MAISIE:

I feel like it, too. I've been chased by men plenty of times before, but this is the first time it was an organized chase.

MRS. K:

What did they want?

MAISIE:

Well, let's not kid around, Mrs. Kennedy. They're all madly in love with the author of "The Lusty Lady" and they think that's me.

MRS. K:

Oh. There's somebody in the sitting room to see you. It's a man.

MAISIE:

What else? Well, I might as well face it and see who it is.

SOUND:

MAISIE'S STEPS TO SITTING ROOM DOOR, WHICH OPENS

HERMAN:

(PLEASED) Maisie!

MAISIE:

(UNIMPRESSED) Herman. What are you doin' here? And whatever it is, I'll bet you could be arrested for it.

HERMAN:

(OVERLY INGRATIATING) Maisie, doll baby, you're breaking my heart. I'm your agent. Why don't you ever drop in to see me?

MAISIE:

Well, the last time I did you practically threw me out. You told me to get a new agent, too.

HERMAN:

Aw-- (LAUGHS HEARTILY) Look, Maisie, I got a lot of wonderful jobs lined up for you and this time it's for real money.

MAISIE:

That'll be a nice change from your I.O.U's and those soap coupons. But talk to my new agent about it.

HERMAN:

You didn't get a new agent, did you?

MAISIE:

You told me to.

HERMAN:

Yeah, but you know better than to pay any attention to anything I say. (LAYING IT ON THICK) Oh, Maisie, how could you do this after all the things I've done to you? I mean, for you. Whenever you were broke and needed a loan, you always called on me.

MAISIE:

Yeah, but I never got a loan.

HERMAN:

And look at all the jobs I've gotten ya.

MAISIE:

Name one in the last year.

HERMAN:

I've watched over you and protected you and kept you from harm. I've been like a mother to you. Like a mother. And now look what you do to me.

MAISIE:

(MILDLY SARCASTIC) I'm sorry, I was just kiddin' ya, "mother."

HERMAN:

(DROPS THE ACT, CURT) Oh, you mean you didn't get another agent? You mean I did all that for nothin'?

MAISIE:

Yeah, but it was a stirring performance, Herman. Now what about these jobs and what do I do?

HERMAN:

You don't have to do anything. Just come out on the stage, tell how you wrote "The Lusty Lady," where you got your ideas, and hint around that some of the characters are well-known personalities. I can book you into the Copa tomorrow.

MAISIE:

The Copacabana?

HERMAN:

No, the Copacetic. It's an intimate little club down in the Village.

MAISIE:

Oh, well, I know that little dive. It's a build-over basement in sort of a hobo heaven. What'll they pay me?

HERMAN:

Thousand a week.

MAISIE:

Holy Pete! One grand a week?

HERMAN:

Yep.

MAISIE:

If you're willing to offer me that, the club must be paying you at least three grand!

HERMAN:

(SCOFFS) Oh--

MAISIE:

And what's a little club like that payin' me that kind of money for?

HERMAN:

Well, they know they can pack the joint solid with people who want to see the author of "The Lusty Lady." Maisie, you're the hottest thing in show business and I can--

MAISIE:

(SKEPTICAL) And you're offering me a job in a little dive? How many shows a week would I have to do?

HERMAN:

Oh, you just work from noon to three a.m. or so.

MAISIE:

Good grief! How many shows, Herman?

HERMAN:

I told 'em I positively would refuse to let you do more than two hundred shows a week.

MAISIE:

Two hundred?!

HERMAN:

Yep.

MAISIE:

Herman, that would kill me dead!

HERMAN:

Well, that's show business.

MAISIE:

Well, nothin' doing. I won't take it.

HERMAN:

Okay. I can also book you into another club at twenty-five hundred a week, three shows a night.

MAISIE:

Why didn't you tell me about that at first?

HERMAN:

These other cheap chiselers wouldn't split with me. You start tomorrow, Maisie.

MAISIE:

Oh, wait a minute. I can't do anything tomorrow.

HERMAN:

Huh?

MAISIE:

I'm autographin' books at Macy's.

HERMAN:

Who booked ya into there?

MAISIE:

The publisher. And day after tomorrow I have to give a little talk over the radio.

HERMAN:

What are you gettin' for makin' the guest shot?

MAISIE:

Well, it's all free. It's to publicize the book.

HERMAN:

But, Maisie, you can make a fortune if you stop givin' yourself away like this! Never mind the book! I'll get you a job in Hollywood!

MAISIE:

I don't want a job in Hollywood. I've had 'em and you have to work too hard.

HERMAN:

Noooo, there are lots of easy jobs. I know one guy out there who has a beautiful corner office and all he has to do is look out the window and warn the head of the studio of approaching glaciers.

MAISIE:

Well, now look, Herman, I'll take that club job for twenty-five hundred a week, but let's do it fast. The way I'm feeling now, I won't last out the week. Now run along, I'm bushed.

SOUND:

HERMAN'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS BEHIND--

HERMAN:

(MOVING OFF) Okay, I'll get that club deal ready to be finalized.

MAISIE:

So long, Herman. It was nice of you to drop in. Don't do it again.

HERMAN:

(OFF) Goodbye, Maisie.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS HERMAN EXITS ... THEN JENNY'S STEPS APPROACH

JENNY:

Oh, Maisie--?

MAISIE:

(SURPRISED) Oh! Well, hello, Jenny.

JENNY:

I - I came in and heard you talking to that man and I didn't want to interrupt.

MAISIE:

Jenny--? This thing is goin' all wrong. You ought to get all this publicity instead of me.

JENNY:

(WORSHIPFUL) Oh, gee, Maisie, it certainly is just like you to say that. You're so unselfish.

MAISIE:

Unselfish nothin'! I'm tired of bein' chased continually by men who've read the book! I think it's about time you realized what you've done to the men of this country.

JENNY:

I - I guess I sort of stirred them up, didn't I?

MAISIE:

I opened my window last night and you could hear hundreds of 'em just in Brooklyn, bayin' at the moon.

JENNY:

(SADLY) Oh, but, Maisie, I'm not the type of girl that men are interested in.

MAISIE:

Jenny, men are interested in all types of girls as long as they're females.

JENNY:

Hm?

MAISIE:

But I can see that you need a practical education about men.

JENNY:

Well, I think it's more my appearance. I'm just not the exciting type, that's all.

MAISIE:

Well, you're not in that dress. It's about as form-fitting as a shower curtain. You're good-lookin' all right, Jenny. It's just that a man would have to look hard to realize it. But don't you worry. We'll fix ya up.

JENNY:

Oh, Maisie, will you really help me?

MAISIE:

Sure! I'm goin' to make a pot full of money passin' myself off as the talented Jenny Perkins for a week or so, and I want you to learn some of the tricks of the talented Maisie Ravier.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... THEN SOLO NIGHTCLUB PIANO, SLIGHTLY OFF, IN BG, THEN EVENTUALLY OUT DURING FOLLOWING--

SOUND:

KNOCK AT DRESSING ROOM DOOR

MAISIE:

Who is it?

HERMAN:

(BEHIND DOOR) It's Herman! Are you decent?

MAISIE:

Yeah. Come in, Herman.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MAISIE:

I'm just ready to sneak out the stage door.

HERMAN:

Great show, Maisie, great show! You're really packin' 'em in!

MAISIE:

(SADLY) I know. But can't I be billed as Maisie Ravier?

HERMAN:

It's Jenny Perkins they're interested in. Who cares about Maisie Ravier?

MAISIE:

Well, I do. When the name of Jenny Perkins loses its draw, what's Maisie Ravier gonna do? Sell popcorn at Ebbets Field?

HERMAN:

Well, you could do a lot worse. Just forget about Maisie Ravier. She's a dead issue.

MAISIE:

Well, not with me she isn't! (DEJECTED) Okay, come on.

SOUND:

MAISIE AND HERMAN'S STEPS TO STAGE DOOR, IN BG

MAISIE:

I wonder if there'll be the same crowd at the stage door this night.

HERMAN:

There'll be about a hundred and ten or eleven people.

MAISIE:

How do you know?

HERMAN:

I sold 'em tickets.

MAISIE:

Oh.

SOUND:

STAGE DOOR OPENS ... INCREASINGLY EXCITED MALE CROWD MURMURS, AND QUICKLY REACHES A CHAOTIC FRENZY OF OVERLAPPING VOICES, WHILE SWARMING MAISIE, IN BG

1ST MAN:

Hey, here she is, fellas!

2ND MAN:

Hey, Jenny! Jenny! Jenny, I read your book and I love you! I love you, I love you, I tell you! I love you! Can't do without you!

3RD MAN:

Aw, Jenny, I'm the man for you! I'm healthy, intelligent-- (ET CETERA)

MAISIE:

(PUSHES THROUGH CROWD, DESPERATELY) No! No, please! Now, take it easy, fellas! Let go of me! Hey! Cut it out! I can only marry one man at a time! Stop it!

SOUND:

LONG RIP! OF MAISIE'S DRESS TORN OFF

MAISIE:

Hey! Oh, no! Help!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MAISIE:

Wait a minute till I zip this dress up your back and let's see what it looks like, Jenny.

JENNY:

(SHOCKED) Oh. Well, Maisie, there just doesn't seem to be very much of it.

MAISIE:

Well, there's enough.

SOUND:

ZIP! OF DRESS ZIPPER

MAISIE:

There. Now -- let's see.

JENNY:

Feels kind of drafty.

MAISIE:

Oh, you'll get used to that. (IMPRESSED) Jenny -- you're a very good-lookin' dish.

JENNY:

Me?

MAISIE:

You won't have any trouble attractin' the men. Your problem's gonna be fightin' 'em off.

JENNY:

(CHUCKLES SHYLY) But tell me some more of the "tricks," Maisie.

MAISIE:

All right. Well now, honey, there's nothin' that brings a man runnin' faster than a nice, but wise smile.

JENNY:

Smile?

MAISIE:

Uh huh. Give him the kind of smile you would if you were secretly engaged to him.

JENNY:

Oh, I think I begin to get the idea.

MAISIE:

Uh huh. And when he comes over, you pretend to be very surprised and be sure he knows you're pretendin'. That makes him think he can see right through ya.

JENNY:

In this dress, a man almost could.

SOUND:

BANG! AND CRASH! OF ROCK THROWN THROUGH GLASS WINDOW

JENNY:

(STARTLED SHRIEK) What was that?!

MAISIE:

(UNSURPRISED) Oh, that's the regular evening rock. A guy who read your book throws it through the window with a mash note attached to it.

4TH MAN:

(OFF) Yoo hoo! Yoo hoo! Jenny Perkins! I love you! I love you! I love yooooou!

JENNY:

Why, he's calling me.

MAISIE:

Yeah, but he thinks I'm you. Why don't you go up to the window and look out?

JENNY:

Okay.

SOUND:

JENNY'S STEPS TO WINDOW

JENNY:

(YELLS, NOT MOUSY) Hey! Cut that out!

4TH MAN:

(OFF, WOLF WHISTLE) I love you, too!

MAISIE:

Jenny, I think you're makin' progress. Tomorrow we're gonna introduce you as the real Jenny Perkins, and Maisie Ravier's goin' back to bein' herself again.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE (QUOTES MAISIE'S THEME)

SOUND:

CLUB AUDIENCE MURMURS

MAISIE:

(TO AUDIENCE) And so that's how it happened, ladies and gentlemen. And now here she is: the real author of "The Lusty Lady" and the real Jenny Perkins!

SOUND:

AUDIENCE CHEERS, WHISTLES, AND APPLAUDS

JENNY:

(TO AUDIENCE) Thank you. Thank you. I suppose lots of you wonder where I got the characters for my book. Well, if you lived as near the Brooklyn Navy Yard as I do, you wouldn't wonder very long.

SOUND:

AUDIENCE LAUGHS ... MAISIE'S STEPS TO DRESSING ROOM DOOR

HERMAN:

Er, Maisie? Who's that doll out there in that strapless, backless, and frontless dress?

MAISIE:

That's the real Jenny Perkins.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OFF AUDIENCE AND JENNY

MAISIE:

You didn't believe I really wrote that book, did ya?

HERMAN:

Look, doll, you've had all the experiences. And if Gypsy Rose Lee can write books, you can, too. But what did you give the whole thing away for?

MAISIE:

Oh, I just had to, Herman. I didn't mind too much bein' mobbed and signin' everybody's autographs, but it wasn't on account of anything I did. It was only because they thought I was her. I love applause when it's for Maisie, but not when it's for a book. Come on, let's go.

SOUND:

STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

HERMAN:

(DISMISSIVE) Book - schnook! What's the difference as long as you're makin' money? I-- (LOW, WORRIED) Uh-oh, here comes the manager.

MAISIE:

(LOW, UNWORRIED) Well, I got my suitcase by the door and I've been in these situations before.

MANAGER:

(APPROACHES, ANNOYED) Herman! What's with that other girl out there?! Is that the second shift? And which one is on the level?

MAISIE:

(SIMPLY) Oh, well, she's really the author. I was just fillin' in for her.

MANAGER:

(UNDERSTANDS) Oh! (SHARPLY) Okay, Herman, you owe me some money. I paid five grand for this -- and you didn't deliver the real Jenny Perkins until now.

MAISIE:

(SURPRISED) Five grand? I thought it was twenty-five hundred.

HERMAN:

(UNEASY) I, er-- I took a little larger commission than usual.

MAISIE:

(UNDERSTANDS) Ohhhh.

HERMAN:

Maisie, let me have the money I gave ya.

MAISIE:

Ah, goodbye, Herman, it's been swell.

SOUND:

MAISIE'S STEPS AWAY

HERMAN:

(FADING OUT) Maisie! You can't do this to me! Come back here!

MAISIE:

(CALLS BACK TO HIM) Nothin' doin'! After what's happened to me, I could write a book! And you know what? Someday I think I will!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

In just a moment we shall return to "The Adventures of Maisie."

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE, THEN FADES OUT

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG--

ANNOUNCER:

And now once again here's Maisie.

MAISIE:

(NARRATES) Well, payin' out that money almost broke Squirmin' Herman's heart. It's a real big heart, too. It's about the size and temperature of a frozen strawberry. Little Jenny Perkins seems to be doin' all right with the New York men, too. Most of the men she's with in her publicity pictures seem to be pop-eyed. But maybe that's because of her décolletage. And she's doin' all right in Brooklyn, too. Mrs. Kennedy wrote me that she's been goin' out with my steady boyfriend. (CLICKS TONGUE) Well, I guess that's life. As for me, I've heard of a wonderful job in South Africa, so I'm goin' down and thumb a ride on a boat.

SOUND:

BOAT WHISTLE

MAISIE:

Come on, feet. That sounds like our transportation. Let's go.

MUSIC:

UP FOR TAG

ANNOUNCER:

You have just heard "The Adventures of Maisie," starring Ann Sothern.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

"Maisie" was written by John L. Green. Original music was composed and conducted by Harry Zimmerman. Supporting cast included Lurene Tuttle, Frank Nelson, Jerry Hausner, Arthur Q. Bryan, Virginia Gregg, and Peter Leeds. John Hiestand speaking.