DON:

The Grape-Nuts Flakes Program starring Orson Welles, who is pinch-hitting for Jack Benny. With Mary Livingstone, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson.

MUSIC:

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "SOMETHING FOR THE BOYS" ... THEN IN BG

DON:

How's this for a pretty good little motto I saw in the tailor shop the other day? "A man is not completely well-dressed unless he wears a smile." Pretty good philosophy, huh? And, ladies, wouldn't you like to see your husband leave for work every morning with the same completely well-dressed look -- a smile? Well, the right kind of breakfast is certainly a great little starter-offer. And I can't think of a man or boy who doesn't like crisp, toasty brown Grape-Nuts Flakes. And I can't think of a better break for you, ladies, than this easy-to-fix, nourishing breakfast cereal. There's a teasing, pleasing zest to eating Grape-Nuts Flakes, with that malty, rich, sweet-as-a-nut flavor -- your favorite Grape-Nuts flavor -- in toasty brown flake form. And Grape-Nuts Flakes are a whole grain cereal, y'know, so they bring you grand all-around nourishment. Better make it Grape-Nuts Flakes at breakfast tomorrow, ladies, and remember: Grape-Nuts Flakes are not rationed. [pronounced RAY-shunned]

MUSIC:

"SOMETHING FOR THE BOYS" ... UP AND TO A FINISH

SOUND:

APPLAUSE, CHEERS, AND WHISTLES

DON:

That was "Something for the Boys," played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we would like to turn the clock back to yesterday morning and show you what happened when our whole gang visited Orson Welles at his motion picture studio, where he is writing, acting, directing, producing, and enjoying his new picture. ... Now, Mary had just returned from the East the night before, so Phil and Dennis stopped by her house to give her a lift. (FADES OUT)

SOUND:

FADE IN CITY TRAFFIC AND RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

PHIL:

(ANNOYED) Will you please stay on the outside, driver? We have to make a turn up here!

DRIVER:

(SEXY TOUGH GAL) Take it easy, Goldilocks. I know how to handle a car.

PHIL:

Okay, sister, okay. ...

DRIVER:

If you want to drive, come up here and sit on my lap.

PHIL:

Nothin' doin', honey. That'd be pleasure driving, and they'd take away my gas book, catch on? ...

MARY:

Oh, Phil, behave yourself. You know how nervous I am today.

PHIL:

Listen, Mary, there's nothin' to be nervous about. You're just gonna meet Orson Welles, and he's a nice guy.

MARY:

Well, I hear he's very temperamental.

PHIL:

Sure, he's temperamental, but who ain't? Take me, for instance! ...

MARY:

You?

PHIL:

Sure! My eggs was cold this morning, so I says to Alice, "Listen, Movie Star, go out in the kitchen and gimme a retake on this hamfruit"! ... I told her.

DENNIS:

Y'know, Mr. Harris, that's the way I'm gonna treat my wife when I get married. I'm gonna be the boss like you are.

PHIL:

Who said I was boss? I'm still combin' egg out of my hair, bub. ... Y'know, women in the morning is poison.

SOUND:

TIRES SQUEAL

PHIL:

Watch it, driver! You nearly hit that lamp post!

DRIVER:

Well, I'd like to see you drive and straighten your girdle at the same time, brother. ...

PHIL:

That ain't no excuse.

MARY:

Oh, leave her alone, Phil. I know just how she feels. And getting back to Orson Welles, I think he did a great job on the program last week.

DENNIS:

What did Mr. Benny think of him?

PHIL:

Yeah, how did Old Snifflesnoot like the show? ...

MARY:

Well-- Well, when Orson called up Mr. Mortimer, the sponsor, and bawled the heck out of him, Jack thought sure we'd all lose our jobs.

PHIL:

He was really worried, huh?

MARY:

Was he! He pulled the string out of his pajamas and tried to hang himself on the bed lamp! ... He was hysterical.

DENNIS:

Say, Mr. Harris, isn't that the studio right ahead of us?

PHIL:

Yeah! Pull up here, driver.

DRIVER:

Okay, Goldilocks.

SOUND:

AUTO BRAKES TO A HALT ... CAR DOORS OPEN

DENNIS:

How much do we owe you, Miss?

DRIVER:

Skip it, handsome. Just gimme your phone number. ...

DENNIS:

But, driver, the meter says a dollar and a half.

DRIVER:

Don't underrate yourself, Junior. So long. ...

SOUND:

[APPLAUSE FOR DRIVER] ... CAR SPEEDS AWAY

DENNIS:

Gee, I don't know what women see in me. ...

MARY:

Me neither, and I'm a woman. ... Come on, let's go inside the studio.

PHIL:

Wow! Get a load of that sign over the gate.

DENNIS:

Where?

PHIL:

Right there! "Through these portals pass Orrrrr-son Welles." Ain't that class? ...

DENNIS:

Hey, who's this fella comin' toward us with the long black cape and sword in his hand?

MARY:

Oh, that must be the gate man. I'll ask him where Mr. Welles is. (TO GATE MAN) Hello, there.

GATE MAN:

(GRANDIOSE) Halt, varlets, and state thy mission, and having heard, I'll trumpet to the walls and sound thy welcome. ...

PHIL:

Now, let's all get a load of that character! ...

MARY:

Yeah. (TO GATE MAN) Uh, pardon me, could you tell us what stage Mr. Welles is on?

GATE MAN:

(MELLIFLUOUS) All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

PHIL:

I'd give a million bucks if I could mushmouth like that. ...

GATE MAN:

You will find Mr. Welles on Stage Five.

MARY:

Thank you. Goodbye.

GATE MAN:

Goodbye. "Parting is such sweet sorrow-- ... --that I shall say goodbye till it be morrow." Longfellow. ...

MARY:

That's Shakespeare!

GATE MAN:

Oh, yes. ...

PHIL:

All right, come on. Follow me, kids. There's Stage Five right over there.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS TO STAGE FIVE ... THEN IN BG

DENNIS:

(TO HIMSELF) Gee, I wonder if I should have given that cab driver my phone number? (BEAT) Naw, "play hard to get," that's my motto!

MARY:

Dennis, you can figure that out some other time.

DENNIS:

Okay, but I want to get married while I'm young and beautiful. ...

MARY:

(TO HERSELF) No use waiting; I gotta have a talk with that kid. ...

DENNIS:

Any time, any place, sister! ...

MARY:

Oh, quiet.

PHIL:

Well, here we are on Stage Five! (CLASSY ACCENT) Being an ac-tor, I'll lead the way.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... MOVIE SET BACKGROUND (HAMMERING, MURMUR OF WORKERS, ET CETERA) ... GROWS QUIET BEHIND--

TOODLEKWERTLE:

Quiet! Quiet on the set!

MARY:

Say, who's that guy?

DENNIS:

Oh, that's Mr. Toodlekwertle, Mr. Welles' secretary. (CALLS) Hello, Mr. Toodlekwertle!

TOODLEKWERTLE:

Hello, Dennis. Come right in, folks. Mr. Welles is expecting you.

PHIL:

(CLASSY ACCENT) How is the old boy, old boy?

TOODLEKWERTLE:

Oh, he's been in a marvelous mood all morning. His uncle died and left him a pound of butter. ...

MARY:

I don't see Mr. Welles around the set. Where is he?

TOODLEKWERTLE:

He'll be here shortly, Miss. At present, he's in his dressing room with his valet, changing into formal dinner clothes for the next scene.

SOUND:

SCENE FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... SCENE FADES IN

WELLES:

(LIVID) Confound this blasted tie! It always comes out longer on one end than the other. (CALLS) Oh, valet?! Valet?!

ROCHESTER:

Right here, Mr. Welles!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES FOR ROCHESTER

WELLES:

Rochester? Rochester, let me ask you something.

ROCHESTER:

Yes, Mr. Welles?

WELLES:

Why is it that I am able to write, act, direct, and produce a motion picture and yet I can't tie a simple little bow knot?

ROCHESTER:

It's the same with me, Mr. Welles. I can cook, drive a car, clean the house, and answer the phone, but I can't make a' eight the hard way! ... Here's your cufflinks, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

Thank you. Incidentally, Rochester, when are we going to continue with that interesting game you've been teaching me, the one that involves those little spotted ivory cubes?

ROCHESTER:

You mean Central Avenue Shuffleboard? ...

WELLES:

Yes. Yes, that's it. A fascinating sport.

ROCHESTER:

I don't think you ought to mess around with those cubes any more, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

Why not?

ROCHESTER:

If I make one more seven, you'll be handing me my cufflinks! ...

WELLES:

I can't understand it. Ever since you introduced me to this game I've had bad luck.

ROCHESTER:

Well, with my dice, don't look for any improvement. ... They work so well together, I call them Abbott and Costello. ...

WELLES:

Oh, I see.

ROCHESTER:

Here, let me help you into your tailcoat.

WELLES:

Thank you. By the way, Rochester, I noticed a dab of ketchup on my gray suit this morning; you may have it.

ROCHESTER:

Thanks, Mr. Welles! Ketchup is hard to get nowadays. ...

WELLES:

I mean the suit! The suit! The suit is yours.

ROCHESTER:

(REALIZES) Oh, oh, oh, ohhhhhh, oh! Well, thanks, Mr. Welles! Thanks very much!

WELLES:

What are you so excited about? Hasn't Mr. Benny ever given you an old suit of his?

ROCHESTER:

Just the one he wore with Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders. ... But I ain't got a horse.

WELLES:

Oh, in that case, I shall give you a horse -- a fine Arabian steed.

ROCHESTER:

Mr. Welles, working for you is paradise.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

WELLES:

Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

WELLES:

Yes, Miss Harrington?

MISS HARRINGTON:

Ready for you on the set, Mr. Welles. Here's the next scene we're shooting for your approval.

WELLES:

Good. I'll glance over it.

SOUND:

FAST R-R-R-R-R-RIP! OF A RIFFLE SHUFFLE OF THE PAGES OF A THICK BOOK

WELLES:

Oh, no, no, no! ... No, this will never do. Only an idiot could compose such drivel.

MISS HARRINGTON:

But, Mr. Welles, you wrote this yourself.

WELLES:

Then there's no use waiting; I'll have to have a talk with me. ... Miss Harrington, take down these changes!

MISS HARRINGTON:

Yes, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

Instead of a ranch house in Arizona, it shall be a penthouse in New York City.

MISS HARRINGTON:

Yes, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

Instead of guitars playing softly in the background, I want a thunderstorm -- with lightning!

MISS HARRINGTON:

How many volts?

WELLES:

At least a dozen. ... And finally, instead of the girl slapping my face when I kiss her, (QUIETLY MELODRAMATIC) she shall thrust a dagger deep into my bosom. Yes, I shall die.

MISS HARRINGTON:

Die?! But, Mr. Welles, it's only the second reel. Who'll handle the rest of the picture?

WELLES:

(SIMPLY) My ghost; I shall work in whitewash. ... That is all, Miss Harrington.

MISS HARRINGTON:

Yes, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

I'll see you later, Rochester. If anyone calls, I'll be down on Stage Five being stabbed.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

ROCHESTER:

(HEARTILY) Heh heh! What a man! Never a dull moment around here.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES

MUSIC:

BAND PLAYS INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "I'VE HEARD THAT SONG BEFORE" (JULE STYNE-SAMMY CAHN)

SOUND:

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES ... THEN MOVIE SET BACKGROUND (HAMMERING, MURMUR OF WORKERS, ET CETERA) ... GROWS QUIET BEHIND--

TOODLEKWERTLE:

Quiet! Quiet on the set!

DENNIS:

Say, Mr. Toodlekwertle, what's keeping Mr. Welles? We've been waiting for him for half an hour.

PHIL:

Yeah! Imagine wastin' time around here when I could be out somewhere improving my mind.

MARY:

Don't be silly. There are no burlesque shows open this time of the morning. ...

PHIL:

Oh, I mean with books or somethin' like that.

MUSIC:

MAJESTIC FANFARE

MARY:

Jeepers! What's that?!

TOODLEKWERTLE:

On your feet, everybody! Mr. Welles is approaching!

MUSIC:

CHINESE GONG!

WELLES:

(STATELY) Good morning. This is Orson Welles.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES

WELLES:

(MUCH MORE CASUAL) Well, uh, Dennis and Phil, I'm glad you dropped by. Have you been here long?

PHIL:

Yeah, quite a while. But I told the kids, "Let's hang around till Orsey gets here!"

WELLES:

Orsey? Who is Orsey?

DENNIS:

That's you, silly. ...

WELLES:

"Orsey"? (CHUCKLES) That's murder. Well, who is this charming young lady? (TO MARY, INTENSELY) Come, come, my dear. Speak up!

MARY:

(RAPIDLY, NERVOUSLY) Well, uh, my name is Mary Livingstone and I'm not the least bit nervous, so there!

WELLES:

(SOOTHING) Now, now, Mary. There's nothing to be nervous about. When did you get back to town?

MARY:

Yesterday, on the Super Chief. I got off at Pasadena.

WELLES:

Oh, I wish I'd known that. I would have arranged for the Tournament of Roses to be held simultaneously with your arrival. ...

MARY:

(IMPRESSED) Gee. I like this guy.

PHIL:

Yeah, didn't I tell ya? That Orson really does things in a big way.

DENNIS:

Who did anything? He just said it. ...

WELLES:

(GRAVELY) Well, uh, Dennis, I have spent years inflating the balloon that is "Welles." Please do not puncture it.

DENNIS:

Yes, sir. ...

WELLES:

(CASUAL AGAIN) Tell me, Mary, how's Jack coming along? Is he up and about?

MARY:

Oh, yes. He's feeling a lot better. A few more days and he'll be all over his nervous breakdown.

WELLES:

Nervous breakdown? I thought Jack had a cold in his chest!

MARY:

He did. But when he got his doctor bill, he went right from a mustard plaster into a straitjacket. ...

WELLES:

What?!

MARY:

It took four of us to hold him down.

WELLES:

Good heavens.

MISS HARRINGTON:

Pardon me, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

What is it, Miss Harrington?

MISS HARRINGTON:

Would you mind okaying the budget for this sequence?

WELLES:

Not at all. There'll be one change here, Miss Harrington. Instead of "Wardrobe: eight thousand dollars," make the wardrobe cost nine thousand dollars.

MISS HARRINGTON:

But, Mr. Welles--!

WELLES:

But nothing. I promised one of the extra girls a mink coat. ... That is all, Miss Harrington.

MISS HARRINGTON:

Yes, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

(MUSES TO HIMSELF) "Yes, Mr. Welles. Yes, Mr. Welles." Sometimes I wish I weren't perfect so people could differ with me. ... (AD LIBS SHEEPISHLY TO AUDIENCE) It's written out for me. (UP, TO DENNIS) Dennis, uh, what are you doing with that script?

DENNIS:

Oh, I was just looking it over, Mr. Welles. I thought there might be a part in it for me where I'm a big lover.

WELLES:

Lover?! Oh, sorry, Dennis, but you're definitely not the romantic type.

DENNIS:

Oh, yeah? Did a cab driver ever ask you for your phone number?

WELLES:

Yes, and I'm having dinner with her tonight! ...

PHIL:

(DELIGHTED) Oh, Orsey, you're really on the beam, kid! ...

WELLES:

Whatever that is, I'm glad. ... Ah, here's Don Wilson! Hello, Don.

DON:

Hello, Orson! How are you, kids?

SOUND:

THE CAST AD LIBS GREETINGS ("Hello, Don." "How are you?" et cetera)

WELLES:

Don, glad to see you. Did you have any trouble getting through the gate?

PHIL:

Naw, they just rub some Vaseline on him and give him a shove! (LAUGHS HARD) ... That Harris is a lulu! ...

WELLES:

Mr. Harris? Mr. Harris, at this moment I find it very difficult to refrain from slugging you. ...

DON:

Oh, by the way, Orson, I brought along a copy of what I intend to say about Grape-Nuts Flakes on the program tomorrow. Would you like to hear it?

WELLES:

Oh, yes, I like to pass on everything that's said on the program. Everything.

PHIL:

Well, there goes all them jokes I thunk up. ...

WELLES:

Yes, Phil. I don't want "them" jokes "thinking" up the airwaves. ... (PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Ha! I'll be darned! I pulled a lulu myself! ...

PHIL:

(GLAD FOR HIM) Now you're gettin' somewhere, Wellesy!

WELLES:

Thank you. Well, Don, let's hear your message.

DON:

Okay. Now, about halfway through the program tomorrow night, I'll say, uh, "Ladies and gentlemen, a few words about toasty brown, sweet as a nut, Grape-Nuts Flakes."

WELLES:

Mm hm.

DON:

"Just open a twelve-ounce economy size package for breakfast tomorrow morning and you will see why Grape-Nuts Flakes, with its malty rich flavor, is America's fastest growing flake cereal."

WELLES:

(BEAT) Very good; go on.

DON:

But that's all there is, Orson.

WELLES:

That's all? That's all you're gonna say about Grape-Nuts Flakes? Good heavens, man. Use a little imagination.

DON:

But, Orson--

WELLES:

Ahhh. Let me show you want I mean. (GENTLY) Miss Harrington? Mr. Toodlekwertle? Sound effects, please.

MISS HARRINGTON
& TOODLEKWERTLE: Yes, Mr. Welles.

WELLES:

Places, everyone. Curtain. Music.

MUSIC:

LENGTHY FANFARE ... THEN IN BG

TOODLEKWERTLE:

Presenting "Grape-Nuts Flakes, I Love You," an Orson Welles production. Produced and directed by Mr. Welles. And starring Orson Welles.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR A FANFARE ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

WELLES:

(VERY SMOOTH) Ladies and gentlemen, whether you live in the heart of a great metropolis--

SOUND:

NOISY CITY TRAFFIC, HORNS HONKING

WELLES:

Or on a farm where all is tranquil--

SOUND:

BIRDS CHIRP, ROOSTER CROWS

WELLES:

Whether your home is in the wintry north--

SOUND:

A HARSH WIND BLOWS

WELLES:

Or here, in sunny California--

SOUND:

FOOM! OF LIT BLOWTORCH ... [APPLAUSE FOR THE BLOWTORCH]

WELLES:

(REACTS TO APPLAUSE) Hmm. (RESUMES, GRANDLY) Wherever you live, ladies and gentlemen, you will love the malty rich flavor of (ENUNCIATES EACH SYLLABLE MELODRAMATICALLY) toasty brown, sweet-as-a-nut Grape-Nuts Flakes!

MUSIC:

TYMPANI ROLL AND CYMBAL CRASH!

WELLES:

And remember, ladies and gentlemen, each economy size package contains not one ounce--

MUSIC:

ONE XYLOPHONE NOTE

WELLES:

Not two ounces--

MUSIC:

TWO XYLOPHONE NOTES

WELLES:

But twelve ounces--!

MUSIC:

XYLOPHONE GLISSANDO UP

WELLES:

--of those delicious, golden brown flakes! I thank you.

MUSIC:

BIG FINISH!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES FOR COMMERCIAL

WELLES:

Ah, I feel much better now. The flakes and I have had our fling. ... Oh, by the way, Dennis, speaking of the program, what song are you singing tomorrow?

DENNIS:

"Black Magic." It's a great number.

WELLES:

Let me hear it. It can't be any more magic than Rochester's dice. Sing, Dennis.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BAND PLAYS "THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC" (HAROLD ARLEN-JOHNNY MERCER), ACCOMPANIES DENNIS--

DENNIS:

(SINGS)
That old black magic has me in its spell,
That old black magic that you weave so well.
Those icy fingers up and down my spine.
The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine.

The same old tingle that I feel inside
And then that elevator starts its ride
And down and down I go, 'round and 'round I go,
Like a leaf that's caught in the tide.

I should stay away, but what can I do?
I hear your name, and I'm aflame,
Aflame with such a burning desire
That only your kiss can put out the fire.

For you're the lover I have waited for,
The mate that fate had me created for,
And every time your lips meet mine,
Darling, down and down I go, 'round and 'round I go,
In a spin, loving the spin I'm in
Under that old black magic called love.

Darling, down and down I go 'round and 'round I go,
In a spin, loving the spin I'm in
Under that old black magic called love!

MUSIC:

SONG ENDS

SOUND:

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES

WELLES:

Excellent. Excellent, Dennis. I like that number very much. You may sing it on the program tomorrow.

DENNIS:

Thank you.

WELLES:

However, the following Sunday, I think you should do something operatic. I want you to sing the quartet from "Rigoletto." ...

DENNIS:

But, Mr. Welles, a quartet is four different voices.

WELLES:

I'll handle the other three. ...

DENNIS:

Gosh, you mean you're gonna sing soprano, contralto, and baritone at the same time?

WELLES:

Yes, Dennis.

DENNIS:

That I gotta hear. ...

WELLES:

You will, you will. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd better get on with my picture.

PHIL:

What a busy guy. He's a bee with brains!

DON:

Oh, by the way, Orson, what's the title of this picture you're making?

WELLES:

Well, I've called my story very simply "The March of Destiny." It deals with everything that ever happened -- ... -- from the beginning of creation to the present day.

PHIL:

Hey, Orson, is there anything in it about me?

WELLES:

Well, no, Phil. My picture is handled entirely in symbolic retrospects.

PHIL:

What? What was that? Gimme that again! ...

MARY:

He could give you that all day long and you wouldn't even feel it. ... Sit down, will ya?

MISS HARRINGTON:

Oh, Mr. Welles, a terrible thing has happened! Miss De Vere, your leading lady, has just eloped to Las Vegas with Geoffrey Hamilton.

WELLES:

Geoffrey Hamilton?

MISS HARRINGTON:

Yes, the man who plays the part of your brother in today's sequence. What will we do?

WELLES:

I have a very simple solution. (GRANDLY DECISIVE) Mary, you shall be my leading lady.

MARY:

Your leading lady? Gosh!

WELLES:

And, Phil, you'll be my brother.

PHIL:

Your brother?! Are we twins?

WELLES:

Heaven forbid. ... Well, let's get started, shall we? Here's your script, Mary.

MARY:

Gee, if I'm gonna be your leading lady, I'd better throw away this bubble gum.

WELLES:

No, keep it. I may have you do a dance later. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

ROCHESTER:

Pardon me for interrupting, Mr. Welles, but we just had a long distance call from Mr. Benny.

WELLES:

From Mr. Benny? What did he want?

ROCHESTER:

He wanted to know if I was happy in my new job working for you.

WELLES:

What'd you tell him?

ROCHESTER:

I lied, and now he's happy. ...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

WELLES:

If I know Jack, he didn't call long distance from Chicago just to find out if Rochester was happy. I wonder what else he wanted.

MARY:

Well, he's getting better. Maybe he wanted to know if that cab driver has a friend. ...

WELLES:

That's probably it. Now, Mary, Phil -- before we rehearse I think I'd better explain this scene to you.

TOODLEKWERTLE:

Quiet, everybody! Mr. Welles is explaining! ...

WELLES:

Thank you. Now, Mary, in this scene, you, as my fiancée, and Phil, as my brother, have parts which overshadow mine in dramatic intensity.

MARY:

You mean we're more important than you are?

WELLES:

Definitely. The motivation of the scene -- its mood and pulse and tempo -- rests entirely in your hands.

MARY:

I want my face in the picture, too! ...

WELLES:

Mary, please, please. You, Phil, will play the part of my younger brother, who is a cheat, a cur, and a scoundrel.

PHIL:

Oh, I get it! A heel without a soul! ... (LAUGHS HEARTILY) Oh, that Harris is solid when he gets rollin'! ...

WELLES:

Phil, you're a genius, and I ought to know. Now, as the scene opens, I enter your apartment, Phil, unexpectedly. And to my surprise, I find my sweetheart in your arms. Remember, Mary, you and Phil carry the burden of the scene.

MARY:

Okay.

WELLES:

All right. Now, let's try it.

TOODLEKWERTLE:

Quiet on the set! Mr. Welles is about to emote.

WELLES:

Thank you. ... (DIRECTS, GENTLY) The door opens--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

WELLES:

(TREMENDOUS INTENSITY) What?! What's this?! Mildred, what are you doing here? Answer me, I say. What are you doing in my brother's apartment?!

MARY:

Well--

WELLES:

No explanations are necessary! ... I have eyes. I'm not blind to what's been going on. If I hadn't been madly in love with you, Mildred, I'd have brought things to a climax long ago. And now, Clarence, what have you got to say?

PHIL:

Well--

WELLES:

Alibis! ... Alibis! Nothing but alibis! ... To think that the two of you have been together every afternoon for months. Why are you looking at me like that, Mildred? Have you something to tell me? Come, speak up!

MARY:

Well--

WELLES:

Never mind! I know what you're going to say! ... You're going to say it's me you love and that Clarence is just a passing fancy. (BEAT) You're both strangely quiet. Why don't you speak up? Is it because your guilt is so obvious?!

PHIL:

Well--

MARY:

Wait a minute, that's my line!

PHIL:

Oh, pardon me. ...

WELLES:

(GENTLY) Come on, Mary. Give me the cue. (PROMPTS) "Well?"

MARY:

(ANNOYED) I've said "Well--" so much, I feel like "The Old Oaken Bucket." ... Okay. (ACTS) "Well--"

WELLES:

(WILDLY INTENSE AGAIN) This is the end, Mildred! Our engagement is broken! Shattered beyond repair! But you may keep the engagement ring I gave you. That is, if you want it.

MARY:

Well--

WELLES:

It's yours! ... (SLIGHTLY LESS INTENSE) I must leave now. And as for you, Clarence, if you ever so much as cross my path again, I shall thrash you within an inch of your life. Goodbye.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MARY:

Clarence, my love, kiss me!

PHIL:

Darling, I love you!

WELLES:

(QUICKLY) No, no, no, no! Let's cut that. After my exit, the scene is definitely over. ... All right, places, everyone! Let's shoot it! Camera! Lights! Action!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

BAND PLAYS "SOMETHING FOR THE BOYS" FOR A CURTAIN ... THEN IN BG

DON:

Ladies, ever stop to think of all the wonderful new substitutes being worked out these days to take the place of things with which we're short? Like the amazing Aralac dress material made of milk? And the substitute for silk conjured up out of coal tar and air? But there's one thing we don't need to find a substitute for, because it's abundant and you don't have to give up any precious ration [RAY-shun] stamps for it. That's the whole grain cereals our government nutrition program is asking us to eat more of. Whole grain cereals -- such as delicious, toasty brown Grape-Nuts Flakes -- are plentiful, thrifty, and one of the most nourishing foods you can serve. In every bowlful of malty rich Grape-Nuts Flakes and milk, you get a goodly amount of minerals, vitamins, proteins [pronounced PRO-tee-ins] and carbohydrates -- many of the same food essentials found in meat. So while you're enjoying that distinctive, sweet-as-a-nut flavor, you're getting the type of all-around nourishment that can help you make up for other food shortages in your meals. So serve more whole grain cereals. Ask your grocer for Grape-Nuts Flakes -- delicious, nutritious, thrifty, and not rationed.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ORSON:

And so, until next Sunday night, ladies and gentlemen, this is your obedient servant, Orson Welles. And, Mary? I'm glad you're back on the show. It's been a pleasure working with you today.

MARY:

Same here, Orson. Good night, everybody. (WARMLY, TO JACK BENNY) Good night, doll.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END

DON:

Orson Welles is a genius, but this program is written by Bill Morrow and Eddie Beloin!