WOMAN:

(LOUD, CACKLING LAUGHTER) Oh, he's a SCREAM! (LOUD LAUGHTER)

MUSIC:

UP SOFTLY, TENSE UNDER

WOMAN:

Oh, what a life you two must have together, Jean! What a CRAZY life! (LOUD LAUGHTER)

MUSIC:

TENSE, JARRING, CHAOTIC, INTO SUSTAINED CHORD, FADING UNDER

JEAN:

(IRONIC) Yeah. A crazy life. A real crazy life.

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO INTO BRASS "LAUGHING", THEN "WAH-WAH-WAH" LAUGHING ... CHIME ... INTO LUSH, OPTIMISTIC ORCHESTRAL THEME, CONTINUING UNDER

ANNCR:

The CBS Radio Workshop. Dedicated to Man's imagination. The theatre of the mind. Today, Henry Morgan in David Carp's story of a man who lives by laughter. Told in part by the woman who married him, and who shares...

MUSIC:

XYLOPHONE STACCATO, UNDER

ANNCR:

"The Crazy Life".

MUSIC:

PIANO GLISSANDO INTO PLAYFUL, SLIGHTLY WONKY, ORCHESTRAL, ENDING ON BRASS STACCATO AND SUSTAINED TRUMPET NOTE, UNDER

JEAN:

Dear Papa. I'm writing this letter in my mind because they won't let me out of bed.

MUSIC:

TURNS SAD AND LONELY, UNDER

JEAN:

(SADLY) I suppose you know, from all the prayers Mom's made, that I was going to have a baby. It's a baby girl. She came just a half hour ago. We're calling her Amanda. I think she looks beautiful.

MUSIC:

SUSTAINED LONELY NOTE, FADING UNDER

MRS B:

I'm so glad for you that it was a girl.

JEAN:

Yes, I wanted a girl.

MRS B:

(SMILING) Girls are nicer than boys. Easier to train. You know the old saying. "A son's a son until he gets a wife. A daughter's a daughter the rest of her life."

MUSIC:

WISTFUL ASCENDING ARPEGGIO, INTO GLOOMINESS, UNDER

JEAN:

That was Mrs. Barnowitz. She has the bed next to mine. She had a boy yesterday. It was her third. (SIGH) I may as well tell you, I'm in a ward at the hospital. It isn't so bad, really, except that one poor girl's baby died, and she cries all the time. (PAUSE) I wish I weren't here, but we can't help it. Henny hasn't done well, the past few years. I know he's tried, but... What I mean, I'm not in a ward because I want to be.

MRS B:

Why don't you try to sleep, dear?

JEAN:

I can't. Did you know it was snowing?

MRS B:

No, I didn't.

JEAN:

Beautiful.

MUSIC:

WISTFUL "FALLING SNOW", UNDER

JEAN:

It's snowing outside now. It must be beautiful. Henny hasn't seen the baby yet. I wonder if he really wanted a girl the way I did.

SFX:

DOOR SLAM ... FOOTSTEPS IN HALL, UNDER

MRS B:

Mr. Carter! How did you get here?

HENNY:

(PLAYFUL) I had to kill three nurses, and tie up a doctor! Cops are after me. I can't stay long, Mrs. Barnowitz.

MRS B:

(LAUGHS) Oh, you...

HENNY:

Well, uh, happy Mother's Day, Jean!

JEAN:

Oh, Henny. Did they let you see the baby?

HENNY:

I've seen a hundred babies. (GOOFY) None of 'em seem to recognize me. It's a girl, huh?

JEAN:

M-hm.

HENNY:

(BEAMING) What a production! Nine months, and all you can come up with is a female midget!

MRS B:

(LAUGHS) Oh, you...

JEAN:

(STRAINED) It takes an elephant three years.

MRS B:

(LAUGHS) Yeah! (KEEPS LAUGHING, UNDER)

HENNY:

Yeah, you don't let all the clean linen go to your head. I still make the jokes around here, you know.

JEAN:

(STRAINED) Sorry. Lost my control for a minute.

HENNY:

Check. Watch yourself at all times. Hey, I brought you somethin'.

SFX:

RUSTLE OF PAPER BAG, UNDER

HENNY:

Nourishment. A feast. A rare Oriental delicacy.

SFX:

TAKES CONTAINER OUT OF BAG

JEAN:

Henny, I can't eat peanut brittle!

MRS B:

(LAUGHING) Oh, peanut brittle?! (KEEPS LAUGHING, UNDER)

HENNY:

Here now, Mrs. Barnowitz, let's keep ourselves under control! Look, Jean, I smuggled this in. I got it at great personal expense from a smuggler down the block.

JEAN:

Well, smuggle it out.

HENNY:

(OFFERING IT) Uh, Mrs. Barnowitz?

MRS B:

(LAUGHING) No thank you, Mr. Carter. That's not good for my bridge.

HENNY:

What bridge? If it's the Brooklyn Bridge, somebody's kidding ya. I bought that YEARS ago!

MRS B:

(LAUGHS)

JEAN:

Henny, I think you better go now.

HENNY:

Check! When do ya break outta here?

JEAN:

End of the week.

HENNY:

All right! Check! I'll be waiting for you with a fast car. Uh, kiss the mob for me. (CONSPIRATORIAL) Mrs. Barnowitz, not a word about my bein' here. Ya know what happens to squealers, right? Don't ya?

MRS B:

(LAUGHING) Right!

MUSIC:

SINGLE BASS DRUM BEAT ... CASCADING GLISSANDO ... MELANCHOLY UNDER

JEAN:

It's like Henny to make a joke of the baby's being born. What I'm trying to say is that I'm coming back home. I'm leaving Henny for good.

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC STING ... BASS DRUM BEATS ... DESCENDING HARP GLISSANDO ... EERIE, UNDER

JEAN:

It wasn't right, not even from the first date. It was snowing then, too. And I ran all the way home from the theatre. Do you remember how I cried, when I told you he'd run up to the stage during the amateur contest, and imitated horrible things?

SFX:

HOWLS OF LAUGHTER FROM THEATRE AUDIENCE, WITH SCREAMS OF LAUGHTER AT [X]

JEAN:

People laughed while he imitated things like a chicken running away from a farmer, flapping his hands and squawking and rolling his eyes and making perfectly [X] awful sounds. And then, he pretended he was on a desert, dying of thirst, and he crept along that filthy stage on his hands and knees, and licked it! [X] And then he was a subway train, and a whole crowd of people, and he was a wheel, and he was a piece of gum stuck to a man's [X] shoe! I thought I would die of shame! All the people were laughing, and I couldn't stand it. I got up, and I ran out! [X]

SFX:

LAUGHTER SEGUES INTO

MUSIC:

"LAUGHTER", ENDING IN A "WAH-WAH" AND SEGUEING INTO OMINOUS BASS, UNDER

JEAN:

Papa, do you remember that?

MUSIC:

SLIGHTLY HOPEFUL, UNDER

JEAN:

Maybe it wasn't so horrible after all. I was younger then, and I thought it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. In those days, all I thought about was my dignity. I'll never forget that night; I'll never forget it as long as I live. Funny, it snowed too, the night I saw Henny home on furlough from the Army. It was just like Henny to be in the middle of a crowd, and the crowd was watching Henny. Henny was arguing with one of those street Santa Clauses.

(AD LIB CROWD SOUNDS)

 

SANTA:

Aw, come on. What'sa matter--

HENNY:

Well, look, I don't know why you're bein' stubborn Max.

SANTA:

Now, look, soldier, I told ya for the tenth time, my name ain't Max.

HENNY:

(CHUCKLING) Well, it ain't Santa Claus either!

JEAN:

(PLEADING) Henny, Henny Carter!

HENNY:

Hi, Jean! Merry Christmas!

JEAN:

Henny, what's the matter?

SANTA:

He's a nut! That's whats'a matter with him!

HENNY:

All right, all right. Now, look. Miss Hayes here is a perfectly impartial judge. Jean. What's wrong with Max here?

JEAN:

Well, I don't know, Henny. He looks all right to me.

HENNY:

A SKINNY SANTA CLAUS! A MISERABLE, UNDERFED SANTA CLAUS! His lips are blue. His teeth are knockin' together like castanets. Now, is that right???

JEAN:

Oh, well--

HENNY:

(ANNOUNCING) Uh, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, you're all substantial citizens. Some of you are mothers and fathers. Are you gonna let your kids think that Santa Claus looks like this?

(CROWD LAUGHS. AD LIB "NO". "NO WAY")

 

JEAN:

Henny, what do you want the poor man to do?

HENNY:

(PLAYING IT BIG) Well, he can put on my overcoat. That's all I'm asking him to do. Is that unreasonable? It'll fill him out. It'll warm him up.

SANTA:

Now look, soldier, I've told ya a dozen times, I'm not gonna put your overcoat on under this suit! Now, go on home, huh?

HENNY:

So, you're gonna stand there in that skinny, shivering state, and maybe SCARE little kids? (LAUGHING) Not while I have anything to say about it! Come on, buddy, let's go!

(CROWD LAUGHS, REACTING, UNDER)

 

HENNY:

Off with this skinny Santa Claus suit!

SANTA:

(TRYING TO FIGHT HIM OFF) Hey, let go o' me!

JEAN:

(DESPERATE) Henny, stop it! Stop! You'll get into trouble!

SANTA:

HEY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

(CROWD LAUGHS BIG)

 

MUSIC:

JEAN: A policeman did come, and we finally had to run for it. Henny had two weeks' leave left then, and I think we saw one another every day of those two weeks. And when the two weeks were up, and I came in and told you and Mom... Do you remember what you said, Papa? Do you remember?

PAPA:

For pete's sake, why did ya MARRY the goof?

MOM:

That's a terrible thing to say, Harry.

JEAN:

I love him, Papa.

PAPA:

Well, I didn't know there was any insanity in our family before this.

MOM:

Now, that's enough of that, Harry. Jean, Henny is going to make you a wonderful husband. He's kind and generous and thoughtful. And he loves you very much. Henny is going to be a good husband, you wait and see!

MUSIC:

WEARY AND WISTFUL, UNDER

JEAN:

A good husband. (PAUSE) It's going to be hard to tell Henny that I'm leaving him. Very hard. He's been able to find something funny in almost everything else. Everything we ever did. Even something as ordinary as riding on a bus.

MUSIC:

OUT

SFX:

"BUS INTERIOR" AMBIENCE WITH CROWD, UNDER

DRIVER:

(BORED) Have your fare ready. Step to the rear, please. Plenty of room there.

HENNY:

You know, Jean, I've been thinking. Look at all of these people, just sitting here on the bus. They're not improving their minds; they're not getting anything at all outta the ride.

JEAN:

What are you supposed to get out of a bus ride?

HENNY:

Well, you're supposed to get something outta life all the time, honey! They're living their lives right now, right here. And they're not getting anything out of it! (ANNOUNCING) Ladies and gentlemen!

JEAN:

Henny, for heaven's sake, sit down!

(CROWD GOES SILENT TO LISTEN TO HIM)

 

HENNY:

What are you doing sitting on the bus? What are you getting out of it?

(CROWD AD LIBS DISCUSSION ABOUT WHAT HE'S SAYING)

 

HENNY:

Now, look, look. Here ya are; you're travelling in a marvel of transportation...

(CROWD PAUSES EVERY SO OFTEN, TO LISTEN)

 

HENNY:

...in the largest city in the world, on swank Fifth Avenue...

(CROWD IS SILENT)

 

HENNY:

...and ya sit there, without oohing and ahhing!

(CROWD REACTS)

 

HENNY:

You're-- you're-- Well, you're not marvelling at the things you can see! Come on, let's have an Oooooh! Of appreciation for Fifth Avenue! Come on now. All together! OOOOOH!

(CROWD REACTS. SOME LAUGH. SOME THINK HE'S NUTS.)

 

HENNY:

Aw, come on! Get into the spirit of it. Let's have a-- Let's have an Ahhhh! for the Fifth Avenue Bus Company! All together!

(CROWD JOINS HIM)

 

HENNY:

AHHHHHH!

(CROWD LAUGHS IN CAMERADERIE)

 

HENNY:

And there's the good old Empire State Building! Let's have a double Ooooh! and an Ahhhh! for the Empire State Building! All together!

(CROWD JOINS HIM)

 

HENNY:

OOOOOH! OOOOOH! AHHHHH!

(CROWD REALLY LAUGHS, LIKE IT'S AT A PARTY. SOME APPLAUD.)

 

JEAN:

(MORTIFIED) Henny, you fool, sit down.

HENNY:

Let's not forget the man who drives the bus! A big double Ahhhhh! for the driver!

(CROWD JOINS HIM)

 

HENNY:

AHHHHH! AHHHHH!

MUSIC:

SCAMPERING, DESCENDING, COMIC STING

MRS B:

(GENTLY) Mrs. Carter?

JEAN:

Hm?

MRS B:

Are you all right?

JEAN:

Yes, I'm all right, Mrs. Barnowitz.

MRS B:

(LITTLE LAUGH) I can't sleep for more than ten minutes at a time. Do you know who I dreamed about?

JEAN:

No, who?

MRS B:

(CHUCKLING) Your husband. I think he's so funny. He's in show business, isn't he?

JEAN:

No, he isn't.

MRS B:

Really??? With that wonderful sense of humour?

JEAN:

I'm afraid that's the only thing he hasn't tried. (BITTER LITTLE LAUGH)

MRS B:

Well, he's the sort of man who'd do well in almost anything. (HAPPY SIGH) I can imagine what it must be like living with him. (CHUCKLING) Some life.

JEAN:

(BITTER) Yeah. Some life.

MUSIC:

WEARY, SAD, UNDER

JEAN:

I don't think she could imagine what it was like, Papa. D'you remember the time he worked for a florist? I'll never forget it, the night he brought home a surprise.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... CLUNKING OF HEAVY WOODEN OBJECT AS HENNY TRIES TO BRING IT IN, UNDER

JEAN:

(CALLING) Henny, is that you?

HENNY:

(A BIT BREATHLESS, AS HE MOVES OBJECT) Yeah. Surprise, honey!

JEAN:

What in heaven's name is that?

HENNY:

FLOWERS!!! Boy, I had a tough time getting it up the stairs.

JEAN:

Will it go through the door?

HENNY:

Well, I--

JEAN:

Henny, that'll NEVER get through the door! It's too big!

HENNY:

(BREATHLESS) Yeah, well. (GIVES UP THE FIGHT) I guess not. (HAPPY) We'll just leave it in the hall for the neighbours to enjoy. Hey, isn't it a beaut', Jean? Must be two-thousand flowers in it! See how it spells out the words in geraniums there: "WELCOME TO THE INTERNATIONAL PULP-MAKERS' ASSOCIATION".

JEAN:

(AFRAID TO ASK) Where did you get it?

HENNY:

Well, uh...

SFX:

CLOSES DOOR

HENNY:

They made it up for a-- for a hotel that was counting on getting a convention. (CHUCKLING) But they didn't.

JEAN:

What on earth are we gonna do with it?

HENNY:

Well, the fact o' the matter is, it's a... it's a going-away present.

JEAN:

Who's going away?

HENNY:

I am. That is, I... did. Mr. Pappas is crazy 'bout me, you know. He told me, "Henny, take anything in the shop tonight." So, I picked this. There's no point in taking anything (GOOFY) SMALL.

JEAN:

Henny, were you fired?

HENNY:

Fired??? (CHUCKLING) I've never been fired in my life. No, Mr. Pappas and I agreed that the job just wasn't suited to my talents.

JEAN:

(EXASPERATED BREATH)

HENNY:

I mean... Flowers are wonderful, but what's a future in them?

JEAN:

We'll have to move, Henny, now that the baby's coming, and I can't work.

HENNY:

Y-- y-- you're not gonna work, Jean. I wouldn't permit it. I'll find something better. I'll... get something more in line with my talents. Mr. Pappas thinks a great deal of me. (DELIGHTED) Ya should'a heard what he said.

JEAN:

(LIMP, ALMOST IN TEARS) Yes, I'm sure he likes you, Henny.

HENNY:

Hey! I got a great idea! We'll put a sign on the flowers, "TO OUR NEIGHBOURS, COURTESY OF MR. AND MRS. HENNY CARTER"

JEAN:

(LIMP) Yes, that's a fine idea, Henny.

MUSIC:

CHATTERING VIOLINS, UNDER

JEAN:

(MISERABLY) I'm sure Mr. Pappas liked Henny. And the man he worked for at the garage. And all the others; I'm sure they liked Henny. He made everyone laugh.

MUSIC:

CLARINET "LAUGHING"

JEAN:

The last thing I heard before I came to the hospital was people laughing at Henny. We'd gone downtown to a department store.

MUSIC:

OUT

SFX:

"BUSY CITY SIDEWALK" AMBIENCE, UNDER

HENNY:

Jean, look, are you sure you won't let me do the shopping? You're not in any condition to fight those crowds in there.

JEAN:

Henny, there are certain things I'll have to have for the baby before I go to the hospital, and I just can't trust you to buy them by yourself.

HENNY:

I don't know why you always-- (SOMEONE BUMPS HIM) Oh. Excuse me.

SFX:

SQUEAK & SWISH OF REVOLVING DOOR NEXT TO HIM, UNDER

HENNY:

(SMILING) Boy, they realy go through that revolving door, don't they? Jean. How 'bout my taking you home? See, I can come back. I can get all--

JEAN:

Henny, no. I can't trust you. Now, come on, let's go in!

HENNY:

No, w-- wait a minute now. Now, take it easy goin' through the revolving door. You don't wanna get bumped now or anything. (GENTLY) Now, go on. All right, g-- get in.

SFX:

"BUSY DEPARTMENT STORE" AMBIENCE, UNDER

JEAN:

(CALLING) Oh, Henny, come on! Don't stop in the door!

HENNY:

(MUFFLED) It's stuck!

JEAN:

(CALLING) Wha'dya say?

HENNY:

(MUFFLED, DELIBERATE) The door is stuck. Won't move.

JEAN:

(CALLING) Well, try moving back.

HENNY:

(MUFFLED) It doesn't go the other way either.

JEAN:

(CALLING) Oh, now, Henny, stop it! (ANGRY) If this is a joke--!

HENNY:

(MUFFLED. STARTING TO PANIC) It's not a joke! I'm stuck! Jean, ya gotta get me outta here!

SFX:

SHE POUNDS ON REVOLVING DOOR

JEAN:

(CALLING) It won't budge! I'll go tell someone. (FADING OFF MIKE) Wait a minute.

SFX:

DING OF "SERVICE" BELL

JEAN:

(WORRIED) Excuse me. Could you help me?

CLERK:

Sorry, Madam. I have a customer. (WALKS AWAY)

JEAN:

No, you don't understand. My hus-- (SOTTO) Oh, for pete's sake. Uh, excuse me. This is an emergency.

FLWALK:

Yes, Madam?

JEAN:

My husband's stuck in the revolving door in the front o' the store, and it won't move!

FLWALK:

Well, come with me. I'll get hold of the manager.

MUSIC:

SLIGHTLY NERVOUS, COMIC TRANSITION

SFX:

THUMPING ON GLASS OF REVOLVING DOOR, UNDER

(A CROWD IS SCREAMING WITH LAUGHTER AT HARRY'S ANTICS, UNDER)

 

MANAGER:

Let us through here, please! Uh, officer! Officer, are you getting that man--? (TAKE) Good heavens, he seems to be dying of lack of air!

GUARD:

(LAUGHING) No, he's all right. He's just kidding us.

MANAGER:

Are you sure? Uh, Mrs. Carter called. This is the man's wife.

JEAN:

(WORRIED) How is he?

GUARD:

Oh, he's all right, Ma'am. He's stuck, but he's all right. He's been makin' faces like that, and rolling his eyes for the past ten minutes. We'll have him out right away. (CHUCKLING) He's a great joker, your husband!

MANAGER:

Are you sure he's joking? I mean, is there enough air for him in there?

GUARD:

Oh, plenty of air! He was dying of thirst a few minutes ago, and before that, he was dying of hunger. He began to eat his TIE!

(GUARD AND CROWD HOWL WITH LAUGHTER)

 

MUSIC:

TENSE, UNDER

MANAGER:

Well, I must say your husband has kept his sense of humour, Mrs. Carter.

JEAN:

(FAINTS)

MANAGER:

Mrs. Carter! This woman's fainted!

MUSIC:

WEARY, DESCENDING, COMIC TRANSITION ... TURNS TENSE, AND SLOWLY DESCENDING UNDER

JEAN:

And that was the last thing I heard before the baby was born. The sound of people laughing at Henny. As I stood there and watched him, I somehow began to feel like a fool.

MUSIC:

HARP GLISSANDO, EERIE, UNDER

JEAN:

And I decided then, to leave him. Maybe you won't understand why I'm doing this, Papa, and maybe I can't really explain it, except to say that it JUST WASN'T FUNNY ANY MORE. Not funny at all.

MUSIC:

LIKE A BUSY CITY STREET, THEN OUT

SFX:

"CITY SIDEWALK" AMBIENCE, UNDER

HENNY:

Ya all right, Jean? Boy, I'm sure glad you're outta there. Can I hold the baby?

JEAN:

No, I'll carry her, Henny.

HENNY:

She awake?

SFX:

BABY GURGLES AND CRIES, UNDER

HENNY:

Hey. Mandy? Mandy? Ya know, you're all paid for?

JEAN:

(COLDLY) Courtesy of the City of New York.

HENNY:

Well... I'll write to Mayor Wagner and thank him. Do it tonight. Hey, we, uh, we oughtta get a cab. (CALLS) Taxi!

SFX:

CAB SLOWS, AND PULLS OVER ... DOOR OPENS ... THEY GET IN, UNDER

HENNY:

Now, now, be careful getting in. Careful. Now, be-- be careful.

SFX:

CAB DOOR SLAMS ... CAB PULLS AWAY ... "CAR INTERIOR" AMBIENCE, UNDER

HENNY:

Uh, two-hundred West Tenth, and uh, take it easy, ya know. We got a newborn baby back here.

CABBIE:

Right ya are.

HENNY:

Better check to see if she's breathing.

JEAN:

Of course she's breathing.

HENNY:

Well, it doesn't hurt to check. She's very young. She hasn't had much practice at it. (GOOFY) I'll just take a little peek... (TO BABY) Yeah. You're still breathing.

JEAN:

Henny, please.

HENNY:

(TO BABY) You're remarkable. Are your fingernails growing?

JEAN:

(EXASPERATED) Of course.

HENNY:

Prob'ly her hair hair's growin' too, huh?

JEAN:

It is.

HENNY:

(DELIGHTED) Fascinating. It's fascinating. It's like an exact duplicate of a human being.

JEAN:

She IS a human being.

HENNY:

Well, of course. Of course. (GOOFY) Better check her breathing again. Yup. Still okay.

CABBIE:

(CHUCKLES)

HENNY:

(MOCK-AGGRESSIVE) Hey, buddy, you think I'm funny?

CABBIE:

(SERIOUS) Huh? Oh. Sorry, mister. Ya just sorta made me laugh.

HENNY:

Hey, there's nothin' funny about bein' a father, ya know. Ya have to check up on things like that.

CABBIE:

Ya sure do.

HENNY:

Yes sir, boy. Nobody's gonna catch ME napping. I'm gonna stay on the job and make sure those nails keep getting longer, and that hair keeps growing, and that breathing goes on all the time. (GOOFY) And in. Out.

CABBIE:

(CHUCKLES, THEN LAUGHS, UNDER)

HENNY:

In, out. In, out. Better check that again.

JEAN:

(STERNLY) Honey, stop it! Stop it right now!

CABBIE:

(LAUGHING OUT LOUD, UNDER)

JEAN:

She's not some joke. She's MY daughter!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, SWIRLING, THEN OUT

HENNY:

(PLAYFULLY DELIGHTED) Now, just keep your eyes closed until I open the door. I have a surprise for ya. Will ya close your eyes please?

JEAN:

(LIMPLY) Henny, I'm exhausted from that climb.

SFX:

UNLOCKS, AND OPENS DOOR, UNDER

HENNY:

I'm-- I'm opening it. I'm opening it; I'm opening it. Eyes closed; eyes closed. Step in.

SFX:

A FEW FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

HENNY:

That's it.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES ... A FEW MORE FOOTSTEPS

HENNY:

Okay. You can look.

JEAN:

(DAZED) Henny, where did all this come from?

HENNY:

(TO BABY) Hey, Mandy! Open your eyes! Take a look!

JEAN:

Where did all this come from???

HENNY:

Well, I don't know where the crib and the playpen and the basinette and all those baby clothes came from, but the flowers came from Mr. Pappas.

SFX:

GETS OUT CHAMPAGNE, BUCKET, GLASSES, UNDER

HENNY:

The champagne came from France. I borrowed the champagne buckets and the champagne glasses from the restaurant down-- You know, there's no sense buyin' those things. We hardly use them.

JEAN:

(STERNLY) Where'd you get the money for all this?

HENNY:

Well... Some of it, your mother bought, and some of it, I bought.

JEAN:

Yes, I can guess the things that YOU bought, with HER money!

HENNY:

With AMERICAN money!!!

SFX:

BABY AWAKES, AND CRIES

HENNY:

(SHEEPISH) Hey, I woke her up. Surprise, Mandy! Surprise!

JEAN:

(BREAKS DOWN SOBBING)

HENNY:

Jean... What's the matter? What's the matter, honey?

MUSIC:

VERY SAD, WITH HARP & WISTFUL VIOLIN, UNDER

HENNY:

Gee, both you girls are crying now. What are you both crying about? Don't ya LIKE everything? Aw, Jean, I... I know what I'll do. I'll cheer ya up. I-- I'll do that French Waiter routine. Remember that time in the restaurant over on Broadway, where they (LAUGHING) REALLY thought I was French? Remember how I started ordering? (BAD FRENCH ACCENT) Um... Assayay voo, madame. Voo voolay, uh, le champagne? Uh, voolay voo le cake?

JEAN:

Henny!

MUSIC:

OUT SUDDENLY

HENNY:

Uh...

SFX:

BABY OUT

JEAN:

Henny, I'm leaving you!

HENNY:

(PAUSE) What'd you say, honey?

JEAN:

I'm taking the baby. I'm going to Evanston to live with my mother. It just hasn't worked out with us, Henny. It didn't matter so much when there was just the two of us. But there's a baby now, and that makes a great difference. (PAUSE) You understand what I'm saying?

HENNY:

I... uh... catch all the words, but, uh... I don't know if I understand what you're saying.

JEAN:

(TEARFUL) You will after I'm gone. There's just one trouble now that you've spent all the money that my mother gave you. I haven't any money for fare. I'll have to wire Mom for some.

HENNY:

When do you wanna go?

JEAN:

Soon as I get the money. (PAUSE) It's no use, Henny. You won't ever change, and the baby deserves... a real father.

HENNY:

I-- I tell ya what. (SMILING) I'll take an oath that I'll stop drinking...and gambling...and beating ya up Saturday nights (CHUCKLES) and maybe even Sunday nights--

JEAN:

Henny, I've got to do it.

HENNY:

(CHUCKLES) Wait, I'm not finished. I'll even give up all those dames I see. Marge... uh, Evelyn... Edith? Sally, Gwen, Mary...

JEAN:

Did I ever say you were a bad husband THAT way? Did I???

HENNY:

Well, if I don't do all those things, I mean, if I didn't, how could I give them up and improve myself for ya? After all, uh, let's face the truth. (BEAMING, BUT WITH A CATCH IN HIS VOICE) I'm perfect! Who-- who improves on perfection?

JEAN:

I know you're GOOD, Henny. But I want our daughter to have a father she can admire and respect!

HENNY:

(SERIOUS) The money thing, huh? (PAUSE) Yeah, well... I've batted pretty low. I met an old Army buddy of mine. (CHUCKLES) Well, maybe not a buddy; more like an enemy, but... He's mellowed since then. He offered me a job.

JEAN:

Oh, not again.

HENNY:

Oh, no flowers or old rubber tires. Selling is what this is. Not door to door stuff either, Jean. I mean, high-class selling with a salary, plus. Uh, I'm telling you the truth.

JEAN:

(QUIETLY) Yes, I know you are. You'll need a new suit. (SUDDENLY INTENSE) Oh, no, no, you'll never change! Never, never, never, never!

HENNY:

Girl, could you just stop saying, "Never" for a minute? Just for a minute? Look, uh... I'm the kinda person I am. I don't think I'll ever be any different because... I don't see what's so terrible about me.

JEAN:

(QUIETLY) Well, from your point of view, you're right.

HENNY:

I'm not perfect, honey. I know that.

JEAN:

I don't want perfection, Henny!

HENNY:

You, uh, know what you want?

JEAN:

Yes.

HENNY:

(DEEP BREATH) And it isn't Henny Carter.

JEAN:

Henny, there's no point talking about it.

HENNY:

Yeah, you're right. The time comes when talk's gotta stop. All right, Jean. I'll get the money for you. And you won't have to wire your mother. (CHUCKLING) Unless you want to light her up for Christmas or something! (PAUSE) That was a joke.

JEAN:

(QUIETLY) Yes, I know.

HENNY:

Well, it's no joke what I said about getting the money. I'll get it for ya. Right now.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

JEAN:

Henny, where are ya going?

HENNY:

Goin' out to get the money for you.

MUSIC:

A BIT PLAYFUL, BUT DRIVEN, UNDER

JEAN:

It's snowing out!

HENNY:

It's all right.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES ... PAUSE ... DOOR OPENS

JEAN:

(CALLS) Henny?

HENNY:

(CALLS, OFF-MIKE) Yeah?

JEAN:

(CALLS) Button up your coat!

HENNY:

(CALLS, OFF-MIKE) Yes, ma'am!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

MUSIC:

STING, THEN NERVOUS, WITH SLOW TICK-TOCKS

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... SLOW FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

SFX:

SOFTLY TICKING LITTLE CLOCK IN APARTMENT, UNDER

JEAN:

Henny?

HENNY:

(COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED AND SERIOUS, FROM HERE ONWARD) Yeah. It's me, honey.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES ... SLOW FOOTSTEPS, UNDER

JEAN:

(CONCERNED FOR HIM, FROM HERE ONWARD) Well, where have you been? You've been gone nearly four hours.

SFX:

FOOTSTEPS OUT

HENNY:

Oh boy, I'm tired.

JEAN:

You look exhausted. What have you been doing?

HENNY:

Tried to get a cab, but, uh, I couldn't, uh... Oh, that snow.

JEAN:

Well, you can't lie down with your clothes on. You're soaked. Let me help you off with that. (HELPS TAKE OFF HIS COAT)

HENNY:

Yeah. Yeah. (EXHAUSTED BREATHING)

JEAN:

Henny, you're perspiring!

HENNY:

I, uh... I got the money here.

SFX:

RUSTLE OF PAPER MONEY

HENNY:

It's thirty-five dollars. I'm sorry it wasn't more.

JEAN:

What took you so long?

HENNY:

Well... Oh, I'm tired.

JEAN:

Mr. Pappas loaned you the money? Did you walk all the way from his place?

HENNY:

I didn't borrow it. I, uh... I wouldn't want Mr. Pappas to know about us. I'd be ashamed. Not you. I'd be ashamed of MYSELF. Such a flop. Excuse me, Jean, I-- (HARD EXHALE) I think I'm gonna pass out.

JEAN:

Henny, what's wrong? What happend? Where did ya get the money?

HENNY:

(PAUSE) Good fairies. Met a leprechaun named Cassidy.

JEAN:

Cassidy? Henny--!

HENNY:

I-- I gotta sleep, Jean babe.

JEAN:

Where did you get the money if you didn't borrow it?

HENNY:

(PAUSE. ALMOST A WHISPER) Pocket. Coat pocket.

JEAN:

Where? In your jacket?

HENNY:

Yeah, yeah, jacket, jacket, someplace.

SFX:

RUSTLE OF A PAPER

JEAN:

What's this? "Crown and Cassidy", is that it?

HENNY:

M-hm. M-hm.

SFX:

RUSTLE OF A PAPER

JEAN:

(READING) "Five hundred cc, Type A donor, Henny Carter... Paid: Thirty-five doll..." (PAUSE) Henny? (NO ANSWER) Henny??

HENNY:

Hm?

JEAN:

Did you sell your blood?

HENNY:

(GROANS) Mmm. Yeah. (BREATHY) Whole gallon, it seems like.

JEAN:

Was it because your friends wouldn't lend you the money?

HENNY:

Hm?

JEAN:

I said, was it because your friends wouldn't lend you the money, that you had to sell your blood?

HENNY:

No. (DEEP BREATH) No. Need friends. I... I need them. Everybody needs friends, but, ehhhh! Who needs blood? (YAWNS) Only good for cutting yourself when you shave, huh? Excuse me, I-- I-- I'm dead now. I-- I'm just dead. (FALLS ASLEEP)

JEAN:

(CRYING) Henny...

MUSIC:

POIGNANT AND SWEET, UNDER

JEAN:

You're a good man, Henny. You're GOOD. (PAUSE) I suppose we've got to live our lives the only way we know how, and... And your way isn't a bad way, Henny. And for you, it's the only way. The crazy life. What life isn't? Mandy and I, we'll go the whole way. (PAUSE) Henny, can you hear me? (NO ANSWER) Never mind.

MUSIC:

TURNS HOPEFUL, UNDER

JEAN:

We've got lots of time now. Thank you, Henny. Thank you for the crazy life.

MUSIC:

UP TO A CRESCENDO, THEN GENTLE HARP FINISH

ANNCR:

You've been listening to the the CBS Radio Workshop, and Henry Morgan, in "The Crazy Life", by David Carp. It was directed by Ira Ashley, and featured Elspeth Eric, with Bryna Raeburn, Agnes Young, Madeline Pearce, Louis Van Rooten, Santos Ortega, Carl Frank, and Larry Haines. The original music was composed and conducted by Milton Kaye.

MUSIC:

CHIME, THEN INTO THEME, UNDER

ANNCR:

The CBS Radio Workshop is produced in New York by Paul Roberts. This is Ted Pearson, inviting you to join us again next week, for the premiere broadcast performance of the one-act opera "Le Grand Greteche", based on the immortal Balzac story about the jealousy of a deceived husband. Composed by Avery Klaffland, with libretto by George R. Mills.

This is the CBS Radio Network.

MUSIC:

GRADUALLY FADES OUT