ANNOUNCER:

Palmolive Soap, your beauty hope, and Lustre-Creme Shampoo, for soft glamorous caressable hair, bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, has always tried to get along with her fellow faculty members regardless of whether they're male or female.

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) One thing that schoolteachers of either sex have in common is the fact that "he, she, or them" was, is, and are underpaid. But there is one definite advantage held by the men. When a male schoolteacher hasn't enough money to go to the movies, he can stay home and look at the pictures on his Esquire calendar. ... I've overcome that advantage to some slight extent by making my own calendar. I've used twelve snapshots -- one for each month -- of Madison's bashful biologist Philip Boynton. ... There they are, right on my bedroom wall. January: Mr. Boynton in his up-to-the-minute raccoon coat. ... February: Mr. Boynton on Valentine's Day with a big red heart-shaped box under his arm -- containing flies for his frog MacDougal. ... Then March: Mr. Boynton in plus-fours, a striped blazer, and a three-propeller beanie. ... Last Friday morning when I tore the page for March off my calendar, there was Mr. Boynton with his arms around me -- so I knew it was April Fool's Day. ... My landlady, Mrs. Davis, knocked on my door a moment later.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

BROOKS:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

DAVIS:

Good morning, Connie! Many happy returns of the day.

BROOKS:

Thanks, Mrs. Davis. Happy April Fools' Day to you. (YAWNS) Oh, what time is it anyway? I'm still sleepy.

DAVIS:

It's almost seven, Connie. I've been up for hours planning little tricks to play on people.

BROOKS:

Well, I hope you're not going to be as naughty as you were last year -- setting firecrackers off in our yard to make everybody think it was Fourth of July. ...

DAVIS:

But that was fun, wasn't it?

BROOKS:

Yes, until one of your pinwheels joined me in the shower. ...

DAVIS:

Oh, let's see now, I came up here to tell you something rather important. Oh, dear me. Whenever I talk to my sister Angela, I become almost as absentminded as she is. We had quite a conversation on the phone this morning.

BROOKS:

How is Angela?

DAVIS:

Fine, thank you, but she's so flighty. Why, right in the middle of our telephone conversation, she forgot what she was talking about completely. I'm worried about her. It's like I was telling my brother the other day, we've got to do something, I said.

BROOKS:

You've got to do something?

DAVIS:

(HALF-BEAT) About what? ...

BROOKS:

I was just repeating what you said to your brother.

DAVIS:

(HALF-BEAT) Which brother? ...

BROOKS:

I don't know. Your brother Victor, I guess.

DAVIS:

I guess so! Well, it certainly is-- ... It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

BROOKS:

Mrs. Davis, you came in here to tell me something. Now try and remember what it was, so I can take a shower and get dressed and forget about it.

DAVIS:

Oh, yes! One of your students is waiting for you in the living room -- Walter Denton.

BROOKS:

Walter Denton? What's he doing here so early?

DAVIS:

All right, Connie, I'll tell him.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... MRS. DAVIS' STEPS BEHIND--

DAVIS:

(TO HERSELF) Poor thing. She's got so much on her mind, she can't concentrate.

WALTER:

Hi, Mrs. Davis!

DAVIS:

(SURPRISED) Walter, what are you doing here? ...

WALTER:

You just left me here, Mrs. Davis -- when you went in to see Miss Brooks.

DAVIS:

Oh. Well, that reminds me -- what are you doing here so early?

WALTER:

Well, it's a big secret, Mrs. Davis, but I'll tell you if you promise to keep it strictly confidential.

DAVIS:

I promise.

WALTER:

You won't forget now?

DAVIS:

(HALF-BEAT) I won't forget what now? ...

WALTER:

To keep it confidential.

DAVIS:

(HALF-BEAT) To keep what confidential? ...

WALTER:

I guess it's safe with you. ... Look at this newspaper column -- the one called Dorothy Daily's Daily Advice to the Heartsore.

DAVIS:

Oh, I read that all the time.

WALTER:

You never read a letter like this one, though, I'll bet! Listen! (READS) "Dear Dorothy Daily. I teach English in high school, but my chief interest lies in a fellow teacher of the opposite sex whose initials are P.B. No matter how I try, I can't seem to make any progress with him. I'm attractive without being ravishing, intelligent without being stuffy, cheerful without being a Pollyanna, but mostly I'm without P.B. ... Can you help me? Signed C.B."

DAVIS:

Well, I certainly sympathize with that young lady, but, er-- (REALIZES) Now, wait a minute. "Connie - Brooks." Walter, do you think the C.B. in this letter could be the C.B. I think the C.B. could be?

WALTER:

I'm positive it is! ... Look who she's stuck on: P.B. -- Philip Boynton!

DAVIS:

Oh, but, Walter, P.B. could stand for anybody. Why, it could stand for Paul Bunyan. ...

WALTER:

Mrs. Davis, you're closer to Miss Brooks than any of us. Does she know anybody named Paul Bunyan?

DAVIS:

No, not that I know of.

WALTER:

Then there you are! She's gotta be C.B.

DAVIS:

But, Walter, do you honestly think Miss Brooks would write a letter like this to a public newspaper?

WALTER:

Well, sure! Mrs. Davis, haven't you heard the famous epigram "Love, in its desperation, turns to many strange devices"? ...

DAVIS:

No, Walter. Who said that?

WALTER:

I did. ... Look, Mrs. Davis, we won't embarrass Miss Brooks by mentioning it in front of her, but we've got try and help her. Listen to Dorothy Daily's answer to Miss Brooks: (READS) "Dear C.B. Come out of your shell, improve your personality, and don't be afraid to be the life of the party. Then watch your Mr. P.B. sit up and take notice. Yours for nailing them down before they can wriggle off the hook, Dorothy Daily." ...

DAVIS:

Well--

WALTER:

There's our problem, Mrs. Davis. We've gotta give Miss Brooks a personality.

DAVIS:

I haven't noticed that she didn't have any.

WALTER:

Now remember, Mrs. Davis -- not a word to a soul. 'Course, I've told Harriet Conklin so she can tell her father he has to give a party tonight which Miss Brooks can go to and be the life of. ...

DAVIS:

That's pretty short notice, isn't it?

WALTER:

That's why we have to wake her up so early. This new personality's a rush job. (LOW) Oh! Careful, here she comes.

SOUND:

BROOKS' STEPS APPROACH

WALTER:

Hiya, C.B.! How's everything? Okay?

BROOKS:

Well, no, W.D. It's N.G. ...

WALTER:

N.G.?

BROOKS:

I didn't get enough S-L-double-E-P.

WALTER:

What?

BROOKS:

Sorry. S-L-E-A-P.

WALTER:

Oh! Sleep! ...

DAVIS:

If you'll excuse me, I'll get some breakfast for us. (MOVING OFF) I'll call you when it's ready.

BROOKS:

All right, Mrs. Davis. Now then, Walter, what's the crisis?

WALTER:

Crisis? Oh, there's no crisis. I just thought it would be nice to have a little chat.

BROOKS:

In the middle of the night? Now look, Walter, this April Fools' business leaves me pretty cold, so if you're playing any pranks--

WALTER:

Oh, this has nothing to do with April Fool, Miss Brooks. It's just that I've been making a study of personalities lately and I've come to the conclusion that we should all come out of our shell.

BROOKS:

Good, but let's not come out until eight o'clock in the morning. ...

WALTER:

Now, there's nothing like parlor magic to make anybody the life of the party. For instance, have you seen the disappearing quarter trick? Look, I hold this quarter between my thumb and third finger like this, then I make a few magic passes, and-- Presto!

SOUND:

QUARTER CLATTERS ON WOOD FLOOR

WALTER:

(PUZZLED) Where's the quarter?

BROOKS:

On the floor. ...

WALTER:

Well, I haven't practiced enough yet, but a trick like this you could learn easy.

BROOKS:

(CORRECTS HIM) I could learn it easily.

WALTER:

I knew you'd go for it! ... Now here -- take the quarter in your left hand--

BROOKS:

Look, Walter, making money disappear is no trick for a schoolteacher. Let's get some way to make some appear, then we'll have something. ...

DAVIS:

(OFF) Breakfast is ready!

BROOKS:

Oh, come on into the dinette, Walter.

SOUND:

BROOKS AND WALTER'S STEPS INTO DINETTE ... THEY SIT BEHIND--

DAVIS:

Just sit right down. You sit here, Walter.

WALTER:

Thanks, Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS:

(MOVING OFF) Drink your juice first and I'll bring the rest out in a minute.

BROOKS:

All right, Mrs. Davis. (PUZZLED, TO WALTER) That's funny, this is orange juice.

WALTER:

What's funny about that?

BROOKS:

The last breakfast Mrs. Davis prepared for me began with marinated olive juice. ...

WALTER:

Odd recipes, all right. Oh, say, I just thought of another great party trick. It's called the Spoon in the Empty Glass trick. Here, I've got two spoons right here. Now, I place the back of one behind the front of the other and, by means of leverage, plop it right into the empty glass. So!

SOUND:

THUMP! OF FIST ON TABLE ... PING! OF SPOON ON SPOON ... SPLOOSH! AND RATTLE! OF SPOON KNOCKING OVER GLASS ...

WALTER:

(CHAGRINED) Oh, gosh, the glass wasn't empty.

BROOKS:

(DRY) It is now. ... Of course, my lap isn't as empty as it was. ...

WALTER:

Don't let it upset you, Miss Brooks. One of the truest things ever said is the quotation "A damp garment should not dampen the spirits of the wearer."

BROOKS:

Who said that?

WALTER:

I did. ...

DAVIS:

(APPROACHES) Here we are. Now, Connie, I want to surprise you. Close your eyes before I put this food down in front of you. Go ahead now. Please close them tight.

BROOKS:

All right, Mrs. Davis, they're closed.

DAVIS:

(SETS FOOD DOWN) There. (EXCITED) Now -- before you open them, guess what we've got for breakfast!

BROOKS:

Uh-- Salmon patties fried in cointreau? ...

DAVIS:

No, I ran out of cointreau. ... Try again.

BROOKS:

Er, wheat cakes and ravioli?

DAVIS:

No, dear. ... I guess you'd better give up. Open your eyes.

BROOKS:

Why, what's this? Plain scrambled eggs, toast, and coffee?

DAVIS:

That's right, Connie. April Fools!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment but first, here is Verne Smith.

VERNE SMITH:

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ANNOUNCER:

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VERNE SMITH:

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ANNOUNCER:

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VERNE SMITH:

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ANNOUNCER:

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VERNE SMITH:

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MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Well, Walter Denton's moving full speed ahead in his efforts to aid C.B. take Dorothy Daily's advice concerning P.B. Let's look in now on another of the conspirators, Harriet Conklin, as she speaks to her father in the principal's office.

HARRIET:

So all you have to do, Daddy, is to invite this party to the party when she comes by this morning.

CONKLIN:

But I don't see any reason for it, Harriet. I'm getting sick and tired of this constant round of parties -- one mad whirl after another.

HARRIET:

Daddy, the last party you gave was on Thanksgiving. Oh, this is vital, Daddy. I can't go into embarrassing details, but we've got to bring somebody out of herself. Oh, you've just got to invite Miss Brooks to our party.

CONKLIN:

Miss Brooks? But she has a party every day -- all day long! ...

HARRIET:

It only seems that way because of her pleasant exterior. Believe me, there are days when her heart is sorely beset beneath that gay surface and lies in her bosom like a dead thing. ...

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

HARRIET:

That must be Miss Brooks now.

CONKLIN:

Well, I won't go through with it, Harriet. I absolutely refuse to have any--

HARRIET:

(INTERRUPTS) Listen, Daddy, you promised Mother you'd go on a diet, didn't you?

CONKLIN:

Yes, but what has that got to do with--?

HARRIET:

(INTERRUPTS) If you don't invite Miss Brooks to our party tonight, I'll take that bar of fudge out from under your desk blotter and show it to Mother.

CONKLIN:

(BEAT, THEN CALLS CHEERFULLY) Come in, my dear! ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

BROOKS:

I was told you wanted to see me, Mr. Conklin. Oh, hello, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Hi, Miss Brooks. Daddy has something he wants to tell you.

CONKLIN:

Yes. Yes, I've been coerced into having a little party at our place tonight, Miss Brooks, and if you have nothing else to do, we'd like you to come.

BROOKS:

Well, thanks, Mr. Conklin, I'd love to.

CONKLIN:

(A BROAD HINT) Of course if you can't come, we may just drop the whole thing. ...

HARRIET:

(A WARNING) Daddy! I think I'll change the blotter on your desk right now.

CONKLIN:

No! No. Ah, that is, I'm sure it'll be nice to get together.

BROOKS:

All right, Mr. Conklin. Then if that'll be all, I'll see you tonight.

CONKLIN:

(VERY UNCONVINCING) I'll be looking forward to it. ... Dismissed.

HARRIET:

I'll walk out with you, Miss Brooks. (ASIDE, TO CONKLIN) Thanks, Daddy. And next time, try the ones with the nuts in 'em.

CONKLIN:

(HUSHED) Quiet, girl! ...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... BROOKS AND HARRIET'S STEPS IN HALL

HARRIET:

You know, Miss Brooks, there's nothing like a party to bring a person out of her shell.

BROOKS:

You, too, Harriet? I'm beginning to like it in here. ...

HARRIET:

Now, the next thing you have to do, Miss Brooks, is to meet us in the music appreciation room as soon as lunch period gets here.

BROOKS:

The music appreciation room?

HARRIET:

You know the old saying: "Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast."

BROOKS:

Yes, but I've been dating very few savages lately, thank goodness. ... Harriet, what in the world is this all--?

HARRIET:

(INTERRUPTS) I've got to get to my French class now, but I'll see you at lunchtime. (SLY) And remember: if you want P.B. to eat out of your hand, you've got to cooperate, C.B.! (WEIRD HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING)

BROOKS:

(A "WHATEVER" FAREWELL) S.O.S. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

WALTER:

Hiya, Miss Brooks. Mind if I walk down the hall with you?

BROOKS:

Not at all, Walter. I'm just going to the music appreciation room to meet Harriet, don't ask me why.

WALTER:

I know why, Miss Brooks. Because tonight's party is an Everybody Who Comes Must Do Something party, and we've got something swell doped out for you to do.

BROOKS:

For me to do?

WALTER:

You'll find out about it in a minute. Hey, here's the music room, Miss Brooks. Let's go in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MUSIC:

UNSTEADY SOLO VIOLIN BRIEFLY PLAYS A SIMPLE EXERCISE A LA JACK BENNY

PRINGLE:

That'll be all for today.

SOUND:

FEMININE JACK BENNY-LIKE FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR, WHICH CLOSES

BROOKS:

Well, he came a long way to practice. ...

PRINGLE:

He's very clever. I'm sure he'll make a fine musician if he concentrates on his violin and stops telling jokes. ...

HARRIET:

Hello, Miss Brooks. Well, we're all set.

BROOKS:

We are?

WALTER:

Did you bring it, Mr. Pringle?

PRINGLE:

Got it right in this case, Walter.

HARRIET:

Good! You know, Miss Brooks, tonight's an Everybody Who Comes Must Do Something party.

BROOKS:

Yes, I know -- and I think I know what I'm going to do, too.

HARRIET:

What?

BROOKS:

Stay home. ...

WALTER:

Oh, don't be ridic', Miss Brooks. You know how well Miss Enright plays the piano, don't ya?

BROOKS:

What does Miss Enright's playing the piano got to do with me?

HARRIET:

Well, plenty. She's coming to the party tonight and you know how she likes to show off in front of Mr. Boynton.

WALTER:

But we're going to see to it that you're the life of the party. (TO HARRIET) Well, c'mon, Harriet, we've got some more arrangements to make.

HARRIET:

Okay, Walter. (TO BROOKS) You just put yourself in Mr. Pringle's hands completely, Miss Brooks.

WALTER:

That's right. If you put yourself in Mr. Pringle hands now, who knows? You may wind up in Mr. Boynton's arms later. ... (MOVING OFF) Well, see you tonight, C.B.! ...

BROOKS:

Well, I don't know what this is all about, Mr. Pringle--

PRINGLE:

Take it easy, Miss Brooks. All the children want you to do is learn a very simple little specialty for the party tonight. Now tell me, do you have any musical education at all?

BROOKS:

Well, when I was a little girl I played in our Girl Scout band.

PRINGLE:

Really? What instrument?

BROOKS:

The tuba. ... I didn't keep at it, though -- it did something to my lips.

PRINGLE:

Oh. You must have started too young. It's a difficult instrument to master.

BROOKS:

Yes, for months after I gave it up, I couldn't drink a malted without swallowing the straw. ...

PRINGLE:

Well, what I've got in mind for you won't offer any difficulties, I'm sure. Now, this is a ukulele. It's the only instrument upon which a novice can pick out a simple tune in no time at all. Here, just place one finger on this fret -- so. Now this one here. That's right. Now play a chord. Go ahead, try it.

BROOKS:

Well, all right. I'll try.

MUSIC:

UKE VAMPS A RHYTHM ... ACCOMPANIES BROOKS--

BROOKS:

(SINGS)
Washington at Valley Forge
Took bitter cold and up spoke George--
Vo doh de oh, doh-doh doh de oh ...
(BREAK)
Take my lips and do your duty /
Everybody calls me cutie! ...

MUSIC:

OUT

PRINGLE:

Why, Miss Brooks, that's wonderful! Let's sing some together.

BROOKS:

All right, Mr. Pringle.

MUSIC:

UKE ACCOMPANIES SINGERS--

PRINGLE & BROOKS:

(SING)
Paul Revere on his midnight ride
Rode through town and loudly cried,
Vo doh de oh, doh-doh doh de oh--

BROOKS:

(BREAK)
Shake my hand and call me Max /
I've got a charge account at Saks. ...

PRINGLE & BROOKS:

(SING)
His ukulele, gaily,
How he strums it,
Bum-bum-bums it,
Dan-cing, dan-cing,
Then he hollers--

BROOKS:

Black bottom! ...

PRINGLE & BROOKS:

(SING)
Crazy words, crazy tune,
You'll be driving me crazy soon
With that
Vo doh de oh, doh-doh doh de oh--

MUSIC:

OUT WITH--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

CONKLIN:

(FURIOUS) Miss Brooks!

BROOKS:

(STARTLED, SINGS OFF-KEY) D'ohhhhhh! ...

CONKLIN:

What's the meaning of this, Mr. Pringle? And what are you doing in Mr. Pringle's music room during lunch period, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

I just dropped in for a melody burger. I mean-- ... I wanted to see if I remembered something that I--

CONKLIN:

Leave this room at once! As for you, Mr. Pringle -- aren't you supposed to be at lunch during this period?

PRINGLE:

Yes, sir. I was just going, sir.

CONKLIN:

Well, put that ridiculous-looking instrument down and get out!

PRINGLE:

Yes, sir. Come on, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Naturally.

SOUND:

BROOKS AND PRINGLE'S STEPS OUT DOOR, WHICH CLOSES

CONKLIN:

(TO HIMSELF) Disgraceful! Carrying on in the middle of a school day -- with a-- (MILD SURPRISE) A ukulele. (THOUGHTFUL) Hmmm. ...

MUSIC:

PLINKETY-PLINK OF UKE, IN AGREEMENT WITH--

CONKLIN:

(SINGS SOFTLY)
My dog has fleas-- ...
(SUDDENLY SINGS BOLDLY)
Boom-boom-boom-boom,
Hold that tiger!
Boom-boom-boom,
Hold that tiger!
Hold that tiger!
Hold that tiger! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... "TIGER RAG"

SOUND:

PARTY BACKGROUND ... CROWD MURMURS BRIEFLY

BROOKS:

Well, what do you think of the party so far, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

It's very nice, Miss Brooks, but I'm a little worried. Everybody's supposed to get up and do something, aren't they?

BROOKS:

Well, that's the idea.

BOYNTON:

Gosh, there isn't anything I could possibly do to entertain anybody.

BROOKS:

(SLY) Oh, I don't know. ...

BOYNTON:

Of course I did make a speech some months ago to my biology club, but they're all men. I couldn't repeat that in front of mixed company.

BROOKS:

Oh, why not, Mr. Boynton? What was the subject of the speech?

BOYNTON:

Oh, I'd rather not mention it, Miss Brooks. It's - it's a little racy.

BROOKS:

Well, I'll just listen with one ear. What was it?

BOYNTON:

Well, it was called "The Primitive Urge of the Sturgeon to Swim Upstream." ...

BROOKS:

That's funny. I always thought the sturgeon didn't need any urgin'. ... Look, Mr. Boynton, I'm as nervous as you are about getting up and doing anything, but maybe we could do something together.

BOYNTON:

Like what, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Well, I just happen to have with me tonight this ukulele. (CHUCKLES) ...

BOYNTON:

Oh, a uke. I haven't seen one of those things since my college days.

BROOKS:

It's really very simple to pick up. It all came back to me in a flash. See? You just put one finger here. That's right. Now this one here -- so. Now try it. Strum it, Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

All right.

MUSIC:

UKE ACCOMPANIES BOYNTON--

BOYNTON:

(CROONS, LOVINGLY)
I'll see you in my dreams.
Hold you in my--
(SUDDEN HOT BREAK)
Don't be bashful, hold that pucker;
You're the best since Sophie Tucker! ...
(ASTONISHED)
Where in the world did that come from?

BROOKS:

(AMUSED, PLEASED) I don't know, but this is a brand-new Boynton. ... Where did you go to college -- on the Keith circuit? ...

ENRIGHT:

(APPROACHES) Oh, there you are, Mr. Boynton. I've been looking all over for you.

BOYNTON:

Oh, hello, Miss Enright.

ENRIGHT:

And dear Miss Brooks -- may I join you?

BROOKS:

(UNHAPPY) You have. ...

ENRIGHT:

There seems to be room on this couch for three. Don't you think so?

BROOKS:

Only if I sit in the middle. (CHUCKLES) ... There we are!

ENRIGHT:

(CHUCKLES) Miss Brooks is so possessive. You don't ever want to share Mr. Boynton with anyone -- do you, dear?

BROOKS:

(BUSINESSLIKE) The property has only been optioned. It is not ready for subdivision. ...

HARRIET:

(APPROACHES) Excuse me, folks, but mother says if anybody wants cake and coffee, it's on the table. (MOVING OFF) Just help yourselves, please.

BOYNTON:

Oh, I think I'll get some. Mrs. Conklin certainly knows the way to a man's heart.

BROOKS:

I like the Overland Route myself. ... But you run along, Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Can I bring you ladies something?

ENRIGHT:

(LAYING IT ON THICK) Just yourself, dear Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

(TAKEN ABACK) Er, yes. How about you, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

No, thanks, not right now.

BOYNTON:

(MOVING OFF) I'll be right back in a minute.

ENRIGHT:

Well, no doubt you've got your specialty all prepared, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Oh, it's nothing really.

ENRIGHT:

I didn't imagine it would be. ... I, er-- I'm going to play the piano myself.

BROOKS:

That should be lovely. It's obvious from your build that you've moved enough of them. ...

ENRIGHT:

(NOT AMUSED) That's very funny. I wonder how funny you'll feel when I get up and read this letter in Dorothy Daily's column.

BROOKS:

Letter?

ENRIGHT:

Yes, I've got the clipping right here. It's signed "C.B." and it says, "Dear Dorothy Daily, I teach English in high school, but my chief interest lies in a fellow teacher of the opposite sex whose initials are "P.B."

BROOKS:

"P.B."? Wait a minute. Philip Boynton?

ENRIGHT:

Exactly. It goes on to tell how C.B. can't make any progress with P.B. at all, and pleads for advice.

BROOKS:

Oh, but, Miss Enright, you don't think that--? Why, I didn't write that letter.

ENRIGHT:

I know you didn't. I did. ...

BROOKS:

You?

ENRIGHT:

A little April Fools' joke, Miss Brooks. But of course when I read it, I won't mention that detail. And even if you do, it'll just look like a natural attempt to cover your embarrassment.

BROOKS:

(APPALLED) But, Miss Enright, even you wouldn't-- Why, I--

WALTER:

(INTERRUPTS) Attention, folks! Attention! We come now to that part of the party we've all been looking forward to so eagerly: the part where everybody must get up and do something. First, I'd like to introduce Madison's belovèd English teacher, our Miss Brooks!

SOUND:

PARTY CROWD MURMURS AND APPLAUDS

ENRIGHT:

Enjoy your brief moment, my dear. I'm going to follow you on with this juicy little tidbit.

BROOKS:

What do you mean "brief" moment? I'm loaded with entertainment. ...

WALTER:

Come on, Miss Brooks. What are you going to do for us tonight?

BROOKS:

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I thought I'd do a few medleys of songs on the ukulele, then a few recitations, and maybe a parlor trick or two. First the song.

MUSIC:

UKE ACCOMPANIES BROOKS--

BROOKS:

(SINGS)
Washington at Valley Forge
Through bitter cold and up spoke George--
Vo doh de oh, doh-doh doh-- (FADES OUT BEHIND--)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ("AS TIME GOES BY") FOR THE PASSAGE OF TIME

BROOKS:

So much for the songs. Now I'd like to recite for you--

ENRIGHT:

(INTERRUPTS) Just a moment, Miss Brooks! You've been on for over an hour--

HARRIET:

(INTERRUPTS) Please, Miss Enright! Miss Brooks isn't finished!

BROOKS:

Thank you, Harriet. (RECITES) "Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands--"

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ("AS TIME GOES BY") FOR PASSAGE OF TIME

BROOKS:

(IN MID-RECITATION) "--we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal--"

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ("AS TIME GOES BY") FOR PASSAGE OF TIME

BROOKS:

As you can see, I have here in my hand an ordinary deck of playing cards--

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ("AS TIME GOES BY") FOR PASSAGE OF TIME

BROOKS:

And now I'd like to show you a fascinating parlor game. Mr. Conklin, do you have a phone book I could borrow?

CONKLIN:

Why, yes, Miss Brooks. There's one right here on this table, but don't you think it's a little late to phone anyone? It's almost twelve o'clock. ...

BROOKS:

Oh, I'm not going to phone anyone. Walter, get a piece of paper and a pencil, please.

WALTER:

Okay, Miss Brooks.

ENRIGHT:

(EXASPERATED) Well, I think this is the most--

WALTER:

Please, Miss Enright! (WORSHIPFUL) You're interrupting Miss Brooks. ...

BROOKS:

Thank you, Walter. Now, the idea of this game is to guess which name in the phone book I'm thinking of. ... We'll start with the A's. If you get a feeling that I've said the one I'm concentrating on, just call out. Ready? Go. (READS RAPIDLY) "Abbott, Abernathy, Ackerman, Addison--"

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ("AS TIME GOES BY") FOR PASSAGE OF TIME

BROOKS:

(READS RAPIDLY) "--Pasco, Peyton, Penninman, Primpachek--"

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... ("AS TIME GOES BY") FOR PASSAGE OF TIME

BROOKS:

(READS DELIBERATELY)
"Zimmerman. Zimmerman, A. Zimmerman, B." ... Hasn't anyone got a feeling yet? ... Mr. Boynton, how about--? Mr. Boynton? Where are you?

WALTER:

Mr. Boynton went home, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

He went home? When?

WALTER:

Right after Mr. and Mrs. Conklin went to bed. ... He said he didn't want to disturb you, so Miss Enright drove him home.

BROOKS:

Miss Enright drove--? Well, that's the last straw. You know, of course, Walter, that it was Miss Enright who wrote that Dorothy Daily letter.

WALTER:

Miss Enright?

BROOKS:

That's right, Walter. She signed my initials, but it was her letter that Dorothy Daily answered in her column.

WALTER:

Boy, what a dirty trick! I'm sorry you were so embarrassed, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

If you think I was embarrassed tonight, just wait, Walter, till you see me tomorrow -- when Dorothy Daily answers the letter I wrote her! ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden as our Miss Brooks returns in just a moment, but first--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Only Lustre-Creme brings you Kay Daumit's magic formula blend of secret ingredients, plus gentle lanolin. Gives loveliness lather even in hardest water. Glamorizes your hair as you wash it. Lustre-Creme -- not a soap, not a liquid -- but a dainty cream shampoo. Leaves hair fragrantly clean, free of loose dandruff; glistening with sheen; soft, manageable. Gives new beauty to all hairdos or permanents. Four-ounce jar, one-dollar. Smaller sizes, either tubes or jars. Tonight, try Lustre-Creme Shampoo and be a--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.
You owe your crowning glory to--
A Lustre-Creme shampoo.

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now once again, here is our Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) Well, I had a date with Mr. Boynton on the following day and I couldn't wait to find out if Miss Enright had told him about the Dorothy Daily column. Sure enough, it was the first thing he mentioned when he came by to pick me up.

BOYNTON:

That letter in the paper, Miss Brooks, it - it certainly has me puzzled.

BROOKS:

Puzzled, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

Yes. I know, of course, that you're C.B., but who in the world is P.B.? ...

BROOKS:

Why, Mr. Boynton, I thought sure you'd guess. P.B. is an old flame of mine -- fella named Paul Bunyan. ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Next week, tune in to another OUR MISS BROOKS show, brought to you by Palmolive Soap, your beauty hope, and Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair. OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns, written and directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch.

MUSIC:

TAG

2ND ANNCR:

Men, here is actual factual proof of more comfortable, actually smoother shaves while using Palmolive Lather Shaving Cream. Twelve hundred fifty-one men tried the Palmolive Lather way to shave described on the tube, and no matter how they shaved before, three out of four got more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Try Palmolive Lather Shaving Cream. See if you don't get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Palmolive Lather Shaving Cream way.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to MR. AND MRS. NORTH, the exciting, fun-packed adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evenings over most of these same stations, and be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS.

2ND ANNCR:

Cancer causes a death every three minutes and unless the present cancer death rate is reduced, eighteen million living Americans will die from it. This will affect, on the average, one out of every two families in the United States. You can help stop the further spread of cancer by helping the American Cancer Society to provide more surgery, x-ray, and radium treatments. So give generously to the American Cancer Society today.

ANNOUNCER:

Stay tuned now for LIFE WITH LUIGI, which follows over most of these same stations.

MUSIC:

THEME ... IN BG UNTIL END

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... IN BG UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.