MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... ESTABLISH, THEN UNDER

HOST:

And now, the house lights flicker, and the Silver curtain rises, cautiously, on Act One of "Murder Unlimited". Starring Carole Lombard as Dorothy Scott. With Reid Hadley as Ken Phillips, Jerry Hausner as Piggy, Joseph Kearns as Jerry, and Ed Max as Broderick.

MUSIC:

"CARO NOME" FROM "RIGOLETTO" ... ESTABLISH, THEN UNDER, BECOMING SLIGHTLY WISTFUL

HOST:

Last week, love, as it does to all men, came to Ken Phillips, Managing Editor of the Evening Times. So, he proposed to one of his employees, Dorothy Scott, a shy, sweet, modest little girl, who, as our story opens, is rushing to her lover on wings of song.

MUSIC:

SUDDEN STING, THEN TURNS INTO MENACING VERSION OF "CARO NOME", AND CONTINUES UNDER...

SFX:

DOROTHY STORMING ALONG CORRIDOR, UNDER

HOST:

Well, anyway, she's rushing.

SFX:

DOROTHY ANGRILY OPENS AN OFFICE DOOR ... CONTINUES STORMING ALONG CORRIDOR, COMPLETELY IGNORING...

PERKINS:

Oh, Miss Scott! I'm afraid Mr. Phillips can't--

DOROTHY:

(FURIOUS) Is that so?

SFX:

STORMS A FEW MORE STEPS ... ANGRILY OPENS KEN'S OFFICE DOOR ... STORMS IN ... SLAMS DOOR

MUSIC:

ENDS ON COMIC CODA ... FAST FADE

DOROTHY:

I see you hiding under that desk! Now, you listen to me, Ken. We're going to settle this thing once and for all!

KEN:

(COWERING) Now, Dorothy, I told you last night. That showgirl at the Conga Club had absolutely no right to call me "Pappy".

DOROTHY:

I didn't come here to talk about showgirls! I came here to--

SFX:

INTERCOM BUZZ

DOROTHY:

Excuse me, dear.

SFX:

INTERCOM CLICK ON

DOROTHY:

(INTO INTERCOM SMOOTHLY) Yes, dear? (CATCHES HIMSELF) Uh, Miss Perkins?

PERKINS:

(FILTER) Mr. Phillips, there's a man out here to see you, and--

DOROTHY:

Let me at that thing! (INTO INTERCOM, ICILY) Listen, dear. Mr. Phillips is... (POINTEDLY) busy.

PERKINS:

(KNOWINGLY) Ohhh.

DOROTHY:

And never mind "Ohhh". You know what I mean. We're talking.

SFX:

INTERCOM CLICK OFF

DOROTHY:

Ken, we might as well face it. I'm perfectly willing to marry you; I don't care what anybody says about you; I love you, but...!

KEN:

Uh-oh...

DOROTHY:

Do you know how long I've worked and laboured and struggled on this paper without being given a big assignment?

KEN:

Yes. Three weeks.

DOROTHY:

Right! I want action, not a pension! You solemnly promised to let me be a reporter, and send me out on a big story.

KEN:

And so I will, dear. I've just been looking through some of your work. Your style of writing has improved tremendously.

DOROTHY:

(BLUSHING) Well, Ken, do you really think so?

KEN:

I certainly do. Now, take your Lewis story, for example. (FINDS IT ON HIS DESK) Ah, here it is. (READING) "Died: Lewis, Chauncey, ninety-three. Services two-PM, Forest Grove Cemetery." Believe me, Dorothy, you have a natural flair for obituaries!

DOROTHY:

(FUMING) Obituaries... I know what you're doing! You're trying to break my spirit!

KEN:

Honey, Superman couldn't even bend your spirit!

DOROTHY:

I'll give you one last chance. Are you gonna let me be a reporter, or--

SFX:

INTERCOM BUZZ

DOROTHY:

Never mind, never mind; I'll get it!

SFX:

INTERCOM CLICK ON

DOROTHY:

(ICILY) Now what, dear?

PERKINS:

This man out here insists on seeing Mr. Phillips. Well, tell him he's dead!

SFX:

INTERCOM CLICK OFF

KEN:

Hey, hey!

SFX:

INTERCOM BUZZ ... CLICK ON

DOROTHY:

Now what?

PERKINS:

He wants to see the body.

DOROTHY:

(BEAT) Only relatives are allowed!

SFX:

INTERCOM CLICK OFF

KEN:

What do you mean, telling somebody I'm dead?!

DOROTHY:

Well, what do you expect? I've been writing obituaries so long, I-- I'm getting corpse-conscious! I want to be assigned to something big, like, well, like the Murder Unlimited story.

KEN:

Oh, you do? Just like (SNAPS FINGERS) that?

DOROTHY:

Yes, just like (SNAPS FINGERS) that!

KEN:

Well, that's fine.

DOROTHY:

I thought you'd like it.

KEN:

My staff spend six months trying to uncover a mysterious organization that deals in wholesale murder, which, for the time being, we'll call "Murder Unlimited". And you think you can solve it just like (SNAPS FINGERS) that?

DOROTHY:

Yes, just like (SNAPS FINGERS) that!

KEN:

We don't know whether we're coming or going...

DOROTHY:

I've got it all figured out!

KEN:

We're completely in the dark...

DOROTHY:

I've got it all figured out!

KEN:

I think we've finally found a stool-pigeon who'll talk...

DOROTHY:

I've got it all figured out!

KEN:

But right now, all we know is that they're desperate killers! They've made four attempts to shoot me already. And last night, they got Detective Murphy, my bodyguard!

DOROTHY:

(TAKES IT HARD) Oh, no, not Murphy. Oh, he was such a nice guy. Oh, Ken, I can't believe it!

KEN:

Now do you wanna go on this story?

DOROTHY:

I'll get them for this, if it's the last thing I do! Listen... I've got it all figured out!

KEN:

Sure, sure, sure. You'll catch them.

DOROTHY:

Yeah.

KEN:

(BEAT) Yeah, you could.

DOROTHY:

Yeah.

KEN:

The police couldn't; my best reporters couldn't; I couldn't. But you can.

DOROTHY:

Can I?

KEN:

(SARCASTIC) Sure. Sure, you could handle a story like this, with ease.

DOROTHY:

Oh, Ken, thanks! I knew you'd see it my way!

KEN:

See what??? I only said--

DOROTHY:

I'll get to work on the case, immediately!

SFX:

STARTS FOR THE DOOR, UNDER

KEN:

But I was only kidding! I--

SFX:

RUSHING AFTER HER, UNDER

KEN:

Dorothy! Come back here!

SFX:

SHE OPENS DOOR ... RUSHES OUT ... SLAMS DOOR ... RUSHES INTO CORRIDOR

PIGGY:

Psst! Psst!

SFX:

DOROTHY STOPS

PIGGY:

Psst! Psst!

DOROTHY:

Who did that?

PIGGY:

Me.

DOROTHY:

Well, don't do it again.

SFX:

STARTS WALKING AGAIN ... HE WALKS ALONG WITH HER

PIGGY:

Psst! Psst!

SFX:

THEY STOP WALKING

DOROTHY:

Say, what's the matter? Is there something wrong with your valves?

PIGGY:

Look, sister, I'm Piggy.

DOROTHY:

You certainly are. Go away.

PIGGY:

Now, look! Tell the big-shot in there to let me in, and stop givin' me the brush-off, willya? I'm the guy that can give him the lowdown on Murder Unlimited!

DOROTHY:

(EXCITED) Did you say--?

PIGGY:

Yeah, Murder Unlimited!

DOROTHY:

SHHHHHH!!! (PULLS HIM ASIDE, AND PUTS HER HAND OVER HIS MOUTH)

PIGGY:

Hey, hey, what's the idea? (MUFFLED) Get your hand outta my mouth!

DOROTHY:

SHHHHH! (CONSPIRATORIAL) Don't say a word! We're being watched. Come on down the hall! I-- I want to see you alone!

SFX:

HUSTLES HIM ALONG THE CORRIDOR, UNDER

PIGGY:

Yeah, but why do you--

DOROTHY:

Here, quick! We can talk in this broom-closet!

PIGGY:

Hey, I don't wanna go in no broom-closet with you!

SFX:

SHE QUICKLY OPENS CLOSET DOOR

DOROTHY:

What's the matter? Are you bashful? Get in there, before somebody sees you!

SFX:

SHE GRABS A BUCKET, AND PUSHES HIM DOWN ON IT

DOROTHY:

Sit down on that bucket there!

PIGGY:

I don't like this. It ain't respectable!

DOROTHY:

Go ahead. Siddown!

PIGGY:

Okay, okay, but quit pushin'.

DOROTHY:

Turn on the light, and I'll close the door.

SFX:

CLICK OF LIGHTSWITCH

DOROTHY:

SHHHHH!

SFX:

SHE CLOSES DOOR

DOROTHY:

Now, we can talk. Are you comfy?

PIGGY:

Whattayou mean, "comfy"? I been tryin' to tell ya this bucket I'm sittin' on is full o' water!

DOROTHY:

That's just fine. Now, tell me everything you know about Murder Unlimited. Come on, come on, come on!

PIGGY:

Well, ya see these handcuffs? Go ahead, look at 'em. And this here wallet.

DOROTHY:

(READING) Detective Sergeant Murphy...

PIGGY:

Yeah, that cop that was murdered last night.

DOROTHY:

(GRABBING HIM) Why, you--!

PIGGY:

Leggo, leggo! I didn't do it! I didn't kill him!

DOROTHY:

(RELEASES HIM) Oh.

PIGGY:

But, uh, for five-hundred bucks, I can take ya to the hideout of the gang that did.

DOROTHY:

Five-hundred? Why, no wonder they call you Piggy. Wait 'til I see how much I have in my purse. (COUNTING MONEY IN PURSE) Twenty, thirty, forty... Uh-uh! (SLAPS HIM)

PIGGY:

Ow!

DOROTHY:

No peeking. Forty-five.

PIGGY:

That's all ya got? Forty-five?

DOROTHY:

No, wait. Here's another one. Forty-six cents.

PIGGY:

Cents???

DOROTHY:

And some peanut brittle.

PIGGY:

(IRONIC) Jeepers! Big business!

DOROTHY:

Yeah, but I could get fifty dollars out of my Christmas Club account, and pay you the rest after I get the story.

PIGGY:

Well, how do I know I can trust ya?

DOROTHY:

Well, that's silly. Just look at me!

PIGGY:

I am. That's what worries me. You sorta remind me of Sadie Smith.

DOROTHY:

Who's Sadie?

PIGGY:

A friend o' mine, who lives up in the Big House. You're a dead ringer for her. Except, uh, Sadie was a classier dresser. You're kinda subdued.

DOROTHY:

(EAGERLY) You mean, if I wore a bright red dress, and carried a violin case, I could pass for a lady gangster?

PIGGY:

Oh, Sadie wasn't no gun moll. She was the Arsenic Queen. "Me and Lucie Borgie," that's what she used to say. "Me and Lucie Borgie, we got a racket."

DOROTHY:

(BRONX) Me and Lucie Borgie... (IDEA) Piggy... Will you take me there for fifty dollars cash, and the rest when I get the story?

PIGGY:

Well... if ya ain't got the rest handy, I guess I'll have to. Now, here's the setup... I'll take you to the killers' hideout, as soon as I get the tickets.

DOROTHY:

Good Lord! They don't sell tickets?!

PIGGY:

Train tickets.

DOROTHY:

Oh.

PIGGY:

It's about fifty miles outta town. I'll get a compartment, so we won't be seen travellin' together. I'll meet ya at my place in, oh, about an hour.

DOROTHY:

All right. And I'll dress up classy, like Sadie Smith. Where-- where-- where is your place?

PIGGY:

Down the street a coupla blocks, upstairs from the fish market.

SFX:

SHE STARTS TO LEAVE

PIGGY:

Hey, wait a minute! Don't you want the address?

DOROTHY:

Oh, don't worry about me; I'll find it. Today's Friday!

MUSIC:

TRANSITIONAL

SFX:

ALLEY CATS YOWLING, UNDER

DOROTHY:

(SOTTO) Up the stairs, over the fish market... (TO CATS) All right, boys! Break it up; break it up!

SFX:

CLIMBING WOODEN STAIRWAY

DOROTHY:

And keep this stairway clear. If I come down in a hurry, I won't be yelling, "Scat!".

SFX:

THREE LOUD KNOCKS ON DOOR ... THREE GUNSHOTS

DOROTHY:

Boy, what an echo! (CALLING) It-- it's me, Piggy!

SFX:

TWO GUNSHOTS ... SHE JIGGLES DOORKNOB

DOROTHY:

(CALLING) Piggy, are you busy?

SFX:

ONE GUNSHOT ... SHE JIGGLES DOORKNOB

DOROTHY:

(CALLING) Would you rather I came back later?

SFX:

SHE JIGGLES DOORKNOB ... DOOR OPENS

DOROTHY:

Why, it was unlocked all the time! Hullo. Well, that's funny. I'da sworn you had company. Piggy? Piggy, what are you doing on the floor?

PIGGY:

(GROANS) I've been shot.

DOROTHY:

Well, that's too bad.

PIGGY:

Listen. I-- I gotta tell ya somethin' before I die.

DOROTHY:

Die??? Oh! Oh, no, no! You-- you can't do that! Wait here; I-- I'll phone the police!

PIGGY:

No. No. There isn't time. Find... find a man with a scar...

DOROTHY:

You just leave everything to me; I'll-- Who???

PIGGY:

The big fellow shot me. The head of Murder Unlimited. He has a scar on his arm. A scar all the way from his elbow...to his wrist.

DOROTHY:

Well, is this his gun?

PIGGY:

Yeah.

DOROTHY:

Well, can't you think of something else to identify him?

PIGGY:

(WITH HIS LAST BREATHS) Scar. Scar...

DOROTHY:

I know, but I can't very well go around town asking all the men to take their coats off. I mean, after all--

SFX:

BODY THUD ... PIGGY IS DEAD

DOROTHY:

Piggy... Wake up. Wake up! Oh. Oh! He's dead! (GASP)

SFX:

PICKS UP PHONE

DOROTHY:

(INTO PHONE, DESPERATELY) Hello, hello, Operator?!

SFX:

JIGGLING PHONE HOOK

DOROTHY:

(REALIZES) Oh! Oh... The wire's been cut!

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE ... RUNS IN CIRCLES

DOROTHY:

(PANICKING) Oh, gee! Oh, gee! Oh, gee! (IDEA) Ken!

SFX:

RUNS TO DOOR

DOROTHY:

I've gotta tell Ken!

SFX:

OPENS DOOR ... RUNS INTO JERRY, WHO'S STANDING RIGHT OUTSIDE

DOROTHY:

Oof! (SCREAM)

JERRY:

Oh, 'scuse me!

DOROTHY:

Oh! You frightened me! I-- I-- I-- I-- I didn't know you were here!

JERRY:

Well, you see, I've been watching this house for several days, and--

DOROTHY:

Oh. (TRIES TO LEAVE)

JERRY:

Get back in there!

DOROTHY:

Oh, I-- I-- I-- the detective-- Oh, uh, you're a detective.

JERRY:

(SNARLS) Yeah. I heard some shots up here, and I--

DOROTHY:

Oh, I'm so glad you're a detective! Something terrible has happened! A man... (REALIZES) Oh. Oh, dear! You don't think I--?!

JERRY:

Don't I? I suppose it's only a coincidence that you're holding a gun, and there's a body lying over there on the floor.

DOROTHY:

Body?

JERRY:

Yeah, a body, over there.

DOROTHY:

Oh. That one?

JERRY:

Yeah, that one.

DOROTHY:

Oh, how embarrassing, isn't it?

JERRY:

Come on. What's this murdered man doing here?

DOROTHY:

I don't know. I-- I...guess it's just one o' those things. Well-- well, I'll have to be getting along, sir. I-- I don't believe we've met. (EXTENDING HER HAND) My name is Scott, Dorothy Scott.

JERRY:

(SHAKING HER HAND) Pleased to meet you. My name's Williams, Jerry-- (REALIZES) I don't care who you are! Why'd you do it?

DOROTHY:

But I tell you, I didn't do it! I-- I was down here getting a story. I'm a reporter on the Evening Times. These clothes I'm wearing are just a disguise. You wanna see my credentials?

JERRY:

Yeah.

DOROTHY:

Oh. You do?

JERRY:

Yeah.

DOROTHY:

Oh.

JERRY:

And stop pointing that gun at me!

DOROTHY:

Oh, it's empty. See?

SFX:

GUNSHOT

DOROTHY:

Well...it's empty now.

JERRY:

Give me that thing! (TAKES IT FROM HER) Now... What can you tell me about this man?

DOROTHY:

He's dead.

JERRY:

You don't say.

DOROTHY:

Look, if I tell you everything I know about this case, will you let me have the story first when you make the arrest?

JERRY:

Well...

DOROTHY:

Oh, I've got it all figured out! Everything boils down to one question.

JERRY:

Well, what?

DOROTHY:

Who killed him?

JERRY:

Ah. Now we're gettin' somewhere.

DOROTHY:

The first clue is these handcuffs on the table. They belonged to Detective Murphy, who was murdered last night.

JERRY:

(EXAMINING THEM) Say, these were his bracelets. Well, I'll take 'em for evidence.

DOROTHY:

Now, Murphy was killed by Murder Unlimited. Piggy squealed, so they slaughtered him. He was going to take me to their hideout. It's-- it's out of town, so he bought train tickets.

JERRY:

Yeah. Yeah, here are some tickets in his pocket.

DOROTHY:

Well, all we have to do now is follow up that clue, and catch the gang. Lemme see what station the tickets are for.

JERRY:

Never mind; never mind. I'm following up this clue myself!

DOROTHY:

But you've got to take me with you!

JERRY:

Now, look, I've got trouble enough on my hands! You stay here until the Coroner comes. I'm going to follow up this ticket clue.

DOROTHY:

Well, of all the nerve! You wanna make the capture yourself! You want all the glory! You can't muscle in on my murder!!!

SFX:

DOOR SLAM

DOROTHY:

Wait a minute! Wait for me!

SFX:

OPENS DOOR ... YOWLING CATS

DOROTHY:

SCAT!!!

SFX:

YOWLING CATS SCATTER

MUSIC:

TRANSITIONAL

SFX:

TRAIN WHISTLE ... "ABOARD TRAIN" AMBIENCE, UNDER

SFX:

KNOCKS ON DOOR

JERRY:

Come in!

SFX:

TRAIN COMPARTMENT DOOR OPENS

DOROTHY:

Hullo.

JERRY:

Holy smoke! How did you get on this train?

DOROTHY:

Oh, now, Jerry, don't be angry. I just wanted to tell you about some new evidence.

JERRY:

What evidence?

DOROTHY:

Do you have Murphy's handcuffs?

JERRY:

Yeah. Yeah, here they are. Why?

DOROTHY:

I-- I just remembered. There's something funny about them. Give them to me.

SFX:

HE DOES

DOROTHY:

Look. Look, when I snap one on your wrist like this...

SFX:

SHE DOES

JERRY:

Yeah...

DOROTHY:

And I snap one on my wrist like this...

SFX:

SHE DOES

JERRY:

(PAUSE) Well?

DOROTHY:

Then we can't get them off, can we?

JERRY:

(BEAT) Hey, what are you driving at?

DOROTHY:

This story is very important, and I'm going to see that I'm with you when you make the arrest!

JERRY:

(FURIOUS) Why--! Come on, get these things off! Come on, get 'em off! Where's the key?

DOROTHY:

Key?

JERRY:

Come on, where is it?

DOROTHY:

Well, there isn't any.

JERRY:

Crazy little fool!

DOROTHY:

Now, don't be mad, Jerry. I can help you; really I can! I'm the only one who can identify the leader of Murder Unlimited.

JERRY:

You've...seen him?

DOROTHY:

No. No, but I can identify him.

JERRY:

How?

DOROTHY:

Well, he has a scar on his arm, a long scar that runs from his elbow to his wrist.

JERRY:

I see. You mean... (ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVE) like this?

DOROTHY:

Yes, that's it. Exactly like the one you have there on your arm. See? It runs from... (REALIZES)

JERRY:

(STARTS LAUGHING)

DOROTHY:

(WEAKLY) It runs from the... It runs from the... (HORRIFIED) OHHH!!!

SFX:

TRAIN WHISTLE

MUSIC:

MENACING CURTAIN

HOST:

Well, the Silver curtain's just fallen on Act One of our play, ladies and gentlemen. We'd like to devote the minute of intermission which follows to recognition of a very happy truth. All right, Henry Charles.

[COMMERCIAL OMITTED]

MUSIC:

THEME, CONTINUING UNDER

HOST:

Again, the house lights dim, and the Silver curtain rises on the Second Act of "Murder Unlimited". Starring Carole Lombard as Dorothy. With Joseph Kearns as Jerry, Ed Max as Broderick, and Reid Hadley as Ken.

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC AND MENACING, CONTINUING UNDER

SFX:

HACKSAWING OF HANDCUFFS, UNDER, STARTING AT [X]

HOST:

Dorothy, while trying to capture a gang which deals in wholesale murder, has unwittingly handcuffed herself to Jerry, the leader of the mob. As the scene opens, we find her at the gang's hideout, [X] where Jerry is sawing off the handcuffs.

MUSIC:

FADE OUT

DOROTHY:

Owww!

JERRY:

Hold still while I get these bracelets off.

DOROTHY:

No, that hurts!

JERRY:

It was your idea, sister.

DOROTHY:

And stop calling me "sister", brother!

JERRY:

You know, you're a smart girl. You're too smart.

SFX:

HACKSAWING OUT

JERRY:

That's why we're gonna have to take care of you. You know too much.

DOROTHY:

Oh. Oh, you don't have to worry about me. I have a dreadful memory. It's-- it's simply awful, Tom! Oh, did you hear what I called you, Tom? See, Jerry, I've even forgotten your name.

JERRY:

Sure, sure.

SFX:

STARTS SAWING AGAIN, UNDER

JERRY:

And I suppose you don't remember a thing about that stool pigeon, Piggy, I had to rub out.

DOROTHY:

Piggy a pigeon? Why, I--!

SFX:

SAWING OUT ... HANDCUFF FALLS ONTO TABLE ... JERRY PUTS DOWN HACKSAW

JERRY:

Ah! Now that these things are off, we can get down to business. If you have any last words, say 'em, and make it snappy!

DOROTHY:

Oh, yes. Yes, thank you; I do want to day a few last words. I want to say that I'm sorry for a lot of things I've done in my life, like... Like the time I pushed Uncle Mulligan in the reservoir. Poor Uncle Mulligan! That was a terrible thing to do! Of course, in a way, it was justified, because I caught him swiping slugs from my dime bank. But just the same, it was an awful thing to do, pushing him in the reservoir...

JERRY:

Wait a minute! You said "a few" last words!

DOROTHY:

Oh.

JERRY:

You're gonna take a little drive with one o' my boys. (CALLS) Broderick! (SOTTO) What's keepin' that guy? (CALLS) Broderick!!!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BRODER:

Here I am, Jerry.

JERRY:

Ah. We have a friend here, who's suffering from a painful curiosity. I think we oughtta put her out of her misery. Think you can do a nice clean job?

BRODER:

I ain't missed yet, have I?

JERRY:

Whattaya mean?! You missed that newspaper guy, Phillips, four nights in a row!

BRODER:

Now, Jerry, that ain't my fault. He works late at night. I gotta pass the time somehow, so it's usual that I have a few beers while I'm waitin'. And then, when him and his twin brother come out--

JERRY:

Aw, him and his twin brother! Now, you get rid o' this dame, and then take care of Phillips. Understand? Cause if you don't take care o' him tonight, I'm gonna take care o' you.

BRODER:

Okay, okay. (TO DOROTHY) Come on, Babe. (FLIRTY) You wanna ride in the front seat with me?

SFX:

SHE RUNS FOR THE DOOR, UNDER

DOROTHY:

I'm not gonna ride anywhere!

JERRY:

Hey, she's getting away! Grab her!

SFX:

BRODERICK GIVES CHASE, AND CATCHES HER

DOROTHY:

(STRUGGLING)

BRODER:

I got her!

JERRY:

All right. Take her to the car! Now, go on; get goin'!

DOROTHY:

(STRUGGLING VIOLENTLY, AS SHE'S CARRIED OUT) No, no, no, NO!!!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC, MENACING TRANSITIONAL, CROSSFADING WITH

SFX:

A DOG HOWLS IN THE DISTANCE ... AN OWL HOOTS ... CRICKETS CHIRP, UNDER

SFX:

"DESERTED GRAVEYARD AT NIGHT" AMBIENCE, UNDER

BRODER:

(CHEERFUL) Here's the place. Dark, ain't it?

DOROTHY:

Why... Why is the ground all torn up?

BRODER:

Oh, that? That's just a new grave. Cemetery's the safest place for this sorta thing. Now, uh, stand over... there. Yeah.

DOROTHY:

Don't shoot me! Please, please, don't! I'll do anything! I'll pay you! I can get money! I-- I'll go away somewhere, and nobody'll know the difference! You can tell them I'm dead!

BRODER:

You ready?

DOROTHY:

(SIGHS) Oh. All right. (PAUSE) I'm ready.

SFX:

GUNSHOT ... RICOCHET

DOROTHY:

Oh, I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!!!

BRODER:

How... How do ya feel?

DOROTHY:

(BEAT) I... I can't feel anything.

BRODER:

I knew it. I knew it! Missed again! (STARTS TO CRY) I-- I don't know what's the matter with me... I just can't hit nothin'! (SOBS)

DOROTHY:

(PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HIM, WHILE HE CRIES) Oh... All right, Broderick dear. So you missed. Let's call it off. After all, murder must be pretty monotonous for you. When you've seen one, you've seen them all.

BRODER:

(SOBBING) Yeah. But I get paid piecework. (TEARFUL) And besides... Jerry's the boss.

DOROTHY:

Why?

BRODER:

Huh?

DOROTHY:

Why is he the boss?

BRODER:

(TEARFUL) Because he's smarter than I am, he says.

DOROTHY:

And just because he says he's the boss, you let him order you around. I'm ashamed of you, Broderick. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm ashamed of you!

BRODER:

Ya are?

DOROTHY:

Anybody can see you're the brains of that outfit. Why, that guy's getting away with murder.

BRODER:

Yeah. Yeah, he sure is. And after I kill you, I'm gonna tell him a thing or two. Say... Why does he wanna kill you, anyway?

DOROTHY:

I know too much. I'm too smart for him.

BRODER:

Are you in the rackets too?

DOROTHY:

Am I in the rackets? D'ya ever hear o' Sadie Smith?

BRODER:

You... You-- you ain't Sadie the Arsenic Queen?

DOROTHY:

Ain't I! Me and Lucie Borgie, we got a racket.

BRODER:

Hey! That's what Sadie used to say, all right. Gee, I didn't know you was outta jail. (SHYLY) Ya know, I been an admirer o' your work for a long time.

DOROTHY:

(CHUCKLES MODESTLY)

BRODER:

I... I used to read about you in the papers, and, well... you-- you was sorta a inspiration to me.

DOROTHY:

Broderick, together, we can make such wonderful music. You with your tommy-gun, and me with my bottles. All we have to do is get Jerry outta the way, and take over the mob.

BRODER:

Wouldn't that be somethin'? You and me, just takin' it easy, and bossin' everybody around. (BEAT. SHYLY) Sadie... Do ya think you could ever learn to like a guy like me?

DOROTHY:

Broderick, I have great plans for you.

BRODER:

Yeah?

DOROTHY:

Come on. Let's go somewhere and celebrate!

BRODER:

Oh, no, no. No, I gotta kill that Phillips guy or... somebody. Or my life won't be worth a nickel.

DOROTHY:

D'you mean to say you're gonna let a little thing like that spoil our evening? Listen... I'll tell you what I'll do.

BRODER:

Hm?

DOROTHY:

I'll call Ken Phillips, and have him meet us at the Conga Club.

BRODER:

Oh. And do the job there?

DOROTHY:

Why not? I've been thinking about murdering him for a long time. Come on, let's find a telephone!

MUSIC:

TRANSITIONAL, GETTING MORE OMINOUS, THEN CROSSFADING TO

SFX:

DIALLING PHONE

DOROTHY:

(PAUSE. INTO PHONE) Hello? Hello? Evening Times? Let me speak with Mr. Phillips.

BRODER:

Oh boy, ain't this swell? A murder and dancin' the same night!

DOROTHY:

(PAUSE. INTO PHONE) Hello, Ken? What do you mean, "Yes, dear"? I haven't told you who I am yet. Well, it's me. And, uh, don't ask questions. Will you ride over to the Conga Club? There's somebody I want you to meet. Yes, a friend of mine. He's very clever.

BRODER:

(CHUCKLES WITH EMBARRASSMENT)

DOROTHY:

Yes, I tell you, he's wonderful! (POINTEDLY) He'll kill you! Understand? He'll simply (POINTEDLY) kill you! When you come, bring along some C-O-P-S. Yes. C-O-P-S. G'bye!

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE

BRODER:

(CHUCKLING) What did ya tell him?

DOROTHY:

Well, I just asked him to bring along some gendarmes.

BRODER:

Oh, he don't have to bring nothin'. The drinks is on us.

MUSIC:

COMIC, VAGUELY MENACING TRANSITIONAL, INCORPORATING OFFENBACH'S "VALSE DES RAYONS", CROSSFADING TO

SFX:

CAR PULLS OVER AND STOPS ... ENGINE IDLES, UNDER

DOROTHY:

We can leave the car here.

SFX:

CAR DOOR OPENS ... ENGINE OUT

DOROTHY:

Come on.

BRODER:

Uh, wait. Wait til I load this gun.

DOROTHY:

Oh, no! You can't shoot him!

BRODER:

(WISTFULLY) I can dream, can't I?

DOROTHY:

I mean, now that we're taking over the mob, we have responsibilities. We have to be more... more dignified. You trust me, don't you?

BRODER:

Well... It ain't that. It's just that... Well... (SHYLY) Sadie... I love you.

DOROTHY:

Oh, but Broderick, you don't know anything about me. We hadn't even met until you-- you took a shot at me.

BRODER:

Yeah, I know. I know I'm bein' impetuous, but I wanna marry ya...for a while.

DOROTHY:

(GENTLY, BUT FIRMLY) Oh, no, Broderick, we must put our personal feelings behind us. There's work to be done. Now-- now you leave your gun here in the car. I'll give him an overdose of these sleeping tablets, and it'll be all over. No fuss, no worries--

BRODER:

No sir! I love you, and I wanna marry you, and I always said when I got married, I didn't want the little woman working.

DOROTHY:

But Broderick, you can't ask me to give up my career!

BRODER:

Well... Oh, all right. But-- but I got a bottle o' rat poison here in the car. I'll bring it along, just in case.

MUSIC:

TRANSITIONAL, INCORPORATING A WOBBLY VERSION OF "VALSE DES RAYONS", THEN OUT CLEAN

SFX:

"NIGHTCLUB" AMBIENCE, UNDER

MUSIC:

LIVELY "GALOP" ORCHESTRAL, SLIGHTLY OFF, UNDER

DOROTHY:

Well, he shoulda been here a half-hour ago. I don't know what could be keeping him.

BRODER:

Some people just got no consideration, that's all. Uh, Sadie... I still think you oughta let me--

DOROTHY:

Oh, here he comes now!

KEN:

(APPROACHING) Dorothy, will you please explain the meaning of this? Why did you call me up and insist that I--

DOROTHY:

Oh, Ken! I want you to meet Broderick. He's the one I was (POINTEDLY) telling you about.

BRODER:

(FRIENDLY) Yeah, siddown, buddy; have a drink! (SOTTO) Give it to him, Sadie.

DOROTHY:

Broderick's been waiting to get together with you for several days. He's always (POINTEDLY) missed you. (SOTTO) Get it? (POINTEDLY) He's missed you four times.

BRODER:

Have a drink, buddy! We got one all ready for ya! (SOTTO) Give it to him, Sadie.

KEN:

Sadie? Who's Sadie? What is this? Why did you say over the telephone, I'm--

BRODER:

Go on; have a drink, buddy!

KEN:

(TAKES IT) Yeah, thanks. I need one. (SLUGS IT BACK) Ah, that's better. Now, Dorothy, for the last time, what is the meaning of... (IN PAIN) of...

SFX:

DROPS GLASS, WHICH SHATTERS ON FLOOR

KEN:

(GROANS IN PAIN)

SFX:

BODY THUD

DOROTHY:

Ken! Ken! What's the matter, darling?

KEN:

(GROANS IN AGONY)

DOROTHY:

Ken dear, what happened? Tell me what happened!

BRODER:

Well, that's over. Let's dance.

DOROTHY:

But I didn't put anything in his drink!

BRODER:

I know. When you was takin' so long, I went ahead and poured some rat poison in his glass.

DOROTHY:

(FURIOUS) You WHAT??? (CRADLING KEN) Oh, Ken, it's all my fault! I was trying to save your life, and I killed you! I'll get you to the hospital! (YELLING) Help! Help!

BRODER:

What's the matter? What's the matter?

DOROTHY:

Well, don't stand there, you FOOL! HELP! HELP!!!

BRODER:

(YELLING) Help! Help! Help!

SFX:

A CROWD GATHERS, MURMURING, UNDER

BODYGRD:

What is it? What is it?

DOROTHY:

A stomach-pump! Get a stomach-pump!

BRODER:

You heard her! Get a stomach-pump!

BODYGRD:

I'm Mr. Phillips' new bodyguard, ma'am. What happened?

DOROTHY:

You tell him, Broderick! Hurry up! Tell him!

BRODER:

(GRINNING PROUDLY) We poisoned the guy!

DOROTHY:

Yes, he's been trying to shoot him all week, but--

BRODER:

(PROUDLY) But, gee! I got him with rat poison!

DOROTHY:

We have to get him to a hospital! And arrest that man! Arrest him quick!

BRODER:

Quick! You heard what she said! Arrest me! Arrest me! Arrest-- (REALIZES. STAMMERS UNINTELLIGIBLY, THEN) Sadie!

SFX:

CROWD MURMURS LOUDER, THEN SOFTER, UNDER

BRODER:

(AGHAST) No! (SOTTO) No, no, Sadie! What are we doin'???

DOROTHY:

Lock him up! He's a killer for Murder Unlimited!

COP:

Okay. Take him away, boys!

SFX:

THEY HUSTLE BRODERICK AWAY ... "NIGHTCLUB" AMBIENCE RETURNS TO NORMAL, UNDER

KEN:

(BARELY AUDIBLE, GROANING) Dorothy...

DOROTHY:

(LOVINGLY) Ken...

KEN:

Drink... Gimme a drink?

DOROTHY:

Oh, of course, darling. (HANDS DRINK TO HIM) Here you are. Drink it down.

KEN:

(DRINKS, THEN COUGHS IN AGONY)

SFX:

DROPS GLASS, WHICH SHATTERS ON THE FLOOR ... BODY THUD

DOROTHY:

(HORRIFIED) Ken! (NO RESPONSE) Ken? Jeepers! I've done it again!

MUSIC:

WOBBLY TRANSITIONAL, INCORPORATING "CARO NOME", THEN FADING OUT

DOROTHY:

Ken... Ken, darling, you're going to be all right. The nurse said it's just like a bad stomachache.

KEN:

(GROANING IN PAIN) Oh... To think I'd come to this. Drinking rat poison!

DOROTHY:

Oh, darling, it's no worse than a lot of other stuff you drink. Ken... Ken, can you sit up? I want you to see the paper.

KEN:

(WEAKLY) Paper?

SFX:

RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

DOROTHY:

Yes, we scooped the town! Broderick confessed last night, and they caught the whole gang. Look. (SHOWS IT TO HIM) Look, here's a picture of them on the front page, with me pointing my finger at them. Ooh, I love reporting crimes! From now on, I'm going to specialize in murder!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

DETECT:

'Scuse me, ma'am. I'm from headquarters. This your picture here on the front page o' the paper

DOROTHY:

Yes, yes, that's me.

DETECT:

I thought I recognized ya.

DOROTHY:

What is it? Another murder?

DETECT:

Yeah. A murder. I been lookin' for you, ever since ya escaped, last week.

DOROTHY:

Escaped???

DETECT:

Come on, Sadie.

DOROTHY:

You mean--?

DETECT:

You're under arrest.

DOROTHY:

Oh, but I'm not Sadie! Ken, tell him who I am. You tell him.

KEN:

(GROANS) You tell him. (SLUMPS BACK AGAINST PILLOW)

DETECT:

What'sa matter with him?

KEN:

(GROANS) Nothing. I've just been poisoned.

DETECT:

Poisoned??? At it again, huh, Sadie? Now, come along quietly, or I'll...

DOROTHY:

Ken, do something! He thinks I'm Sadie! They'll put me in jail! They may even hang me! Well-- Well, don't just lie there grinning!

KEN:

(ENJOYING HIMSELF) Now, don't worry darling. I'll drop by one of these days, and get you out.

DOROTHY:

Why, you--!

KEN:

After I'm sure you're fed up with murder.

DETECT:

Come on, Sadie, get goin'!

KEN:

And I'll bring the minister when I come. (AIRILY) Bye-bye, dear!

DOROTHY:

(SEETHING) All right. All right. Don't tell him who I am. Let him think I'm Sadie. Let him think I'm the Poison Queen. But I'm warning you, Ken Phillips... When we get married, and when we have our champagne supper, I WOULDN'T DRINK ANYTHING, IF I WERE YOU, BROTHER!

MUSIC:

"VALSE DES RAYONS", INTO A CURTAIN

APPLAUSE

HOST:

Carole Lombard will be back in just a moment for a curtain call, ladies and gentlemen. "Silver Theatre's" good news for next week is the personal appearance of another favourite of yours. Geoffrey Lynn, who'll be starring in a stirring and dramatic romance of modern times, "The Magic Darkness". Be sure to be with us for Geoffrey Lynn. And here, once again, is today's star, Carole Lombard.

APPLAUSE

HOST:

Carole, you certainly packed lots of fun and excitement into half an hour.

CAROLE:

Oh, it's always fun on the "Silver Theatre", Conrad. I feel almost as much at home here, as I do in my own house.

HOST:

Say, you know, the last time you were here, you were just redecorating your house. Is it all completed?

CAROLE:

Oh, no. Remember the old saying, Conrad? "A woman's work is never done".

HOST:

Hmm.

CAROLE:

But seriously, I think the house looks grand. Come over and see it, and see our 1847 Rogers Brothers silverplate too. It's really perfect.

HOST:

I'll be there, Carole. You must come back and visit us, here in "Silver Theatre" soon, will you?

CAROLE:

Thank you. I will. Goodbye.

HOST:

Goodbye, Carole. And thanks again for a grand show.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME UP, THEN UNDER

HOST:

Well, good friends, this is Conrad Nagel, bidding you all good evening, and thank you. See you next Sunday, with Geoffrey Lynn.

MUSIC:

UP, THEN UNDER

ANNCR:

In the meantime, remember... When you buy silverplate, look for the year-mark "1847" that proves it's America's finest silverplate. 1847 Rogers Brothers silverplate. Music on today's program was arranged and conducted by Felix Mills. Henry Charles speaking, for 1847 Rogers Brothers.

MUSIC:

UP, THEN UNDER

ANNCR:

All names and designations of persons and organizations used in the dramatic portions of this broadcast, are fictional. Carole Lombard is currently co-starring with Robert Montgomery in the RKO production "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". "Silver Theatre" originates at Columbia Square, in Hollywood. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

APPLAUSE