Announcer:

We take you now to Duffy's Tavern, starring Archie himself, Ed Gardner.

Music

Applause

SFX:

phone ringing, receiver picked up

Archie:

Hello. Duffy's Tavern, where elite meet to eat. Archie the manager speaking. Duffy ain't here. Oh, hello, Duffy. Huh? A pink elephant just walked into the room? Duffy, you'd better take another look. Yeah, that's what I thought. Just Mrs. Duffy in her nightgown. Look. I'm busy now. I'm going over the books for 1945. Yeah, I'll call you back.

SFX:

phone hanging up

Applause

Music

Archie:

Let's see. The black ink is the liabilities and red ink is the assets.

Eddie:

Whatcha doing there, Mr. Archie?

Archie:

Don't bother me now, Eddie. Hm. Let's see. First, we take the overhead. We can raise that up. Now that'll make room for the fiscal. Let's see, that's twenty-three thousand, eight hundred and forty dollars. Now next we take cash on hand. Eighty-five cents. Let's see. That's a difference of...let's see. You push the 85 into the 23.

Eddie:

(loudly makes a sound as if pushing something heavy)

Archie:

Thank you, Eddie. That gives us six hundred and twenty-three. Now carry the three. That's twenty-four thirty-six. Scratch out the 6 and carry the 3. That's 7,6,2,3. Carry the 3. That 3 is a pest! That gives us 6, a decemiopoint...eight hundred and forty- three thousand. Eddie, I think there's a shortage.

Eddie:

Did you shove over all them ciphers?

Archie:

Every one of them. Holy cow. If these figures don't come out even, I'm really going to be in a hole.

Eddie:

Hello down there!

Archie:

I can't account for such a big loss. I think I'd better go over the figures again.

Eddie:

Well, you've got two million. Want to try for four? Man, what a bookkeeper!

Archie:

What a bookkeeper? What do you mean? What are you talking about? I've been doing this stuff for years. Perhaps you forget that I was only the head bookkeeper of the oyster division of the Fulton Fish Market.

Eddie:

I beg your pardon!

Archie:

Of course. The owner of the fish market, Sir Isaac Fulton himself, he used to think I was a genius. He'd look over the books and say, "Archie, you've got the greatest fish-head I ever seen." Boy, was I fast at figures. Like greasy lightning, Eddie.

Eddie:

Yeah, but did you get the right answer?

Archie:

Well you got to sacrifice something for speed. You know, maybe that's what it is. Maybe me mind is working too fast for me pencil. I think I'd better go over these figures again, just in me head.

Eddie:

Well, that gives you a nice, spacious working quarters.

Archie:

Yes. Now let me see, here. Eighty-five cents into 2,3,8,4, naught. Now we take the zero (emphasized)

Finnegan:

(Beat) Uh, Arch...

Archie:

That makes it double zero. Now we kill a hypotenuse.

Finnegan: Say, Arch. You're ignoring me.

Archie:

Oh?

Finnegan:

I just come in to tell you that I got a job delivering orders for Telluchi the fruit peddler.

Archie:

You got a job working for Telluchi?

Finnegan:

Only temporary, Arch. His horse is laid up.

Archie:

Oh. Glad to hear you're working. Maybe you can pay us some of the dough you owe us.

Finnegan:

Okay, Arch. To what extent am I delinquent?

Archie:

You are extinct to the delinquency of forty-five cents.

Finnegan:

For what?

Archie:

For six dinners. And twelve cocktails.

Finnegan:

Uh, but that don't come to forty-five cents.

Archie:

You forget the carrying charges.

Finnegan:

Oh, no, you don't, Arch. I walked outta here.

Archie:

Finnegan. Carrying charges is bookkeeping. Now tell me. How much is Telluchi paying you per diem?

Finnegan:

Per diem?

Archie:

Yeah. Per week.

Finnegan:

Oh. Uh, let me...oh, he pays me a quarter.

Archie:

Finnegan. Telluchi is paying you a quarter a week?

Finnegan:

Yeah, but it ain't as good as it sounds. I gotta work fourteen hours a day.

Archie:

But Finnegan! The guy is gypping you. I betcha he paid the horse more than that.

Finnegan:

Yeah, but Arch, I'm just starting. I can't compare meself to a horse with five years of experience. Besides, you know, it's a chance for a steady job.

Archie:

How do you mean?

Finnegan:

Well, you know that horse ain't getting no younger. (pause) Say, by the way, what time is it?

Archie:

It's ten after five.

Finnegan:

Oh, boy, I better get back to work quick.

Archie:

Wait a minute. What's the rush?

Finnegan:

Well, the horse only takes ten minutes for dinner and I don't want Telluchi to think I'm expecting favors just because I'm a human being. Uh, so long, Arch. (whinnies)

Applause

Archie:

Now let's see here. Got to figure in how much money is owed to us. Oh, yeah. Here it is. Accounts payable. Fernschweiger the butcher owes us eighty cents, Kim Lee, the French drycleaner...that's twenty yen. Here we are...Cavendish the undertaker. Hm. You'd think he'd pay his bills after all the business he's got out of this joint, huh?

Eddie:

Yeah. It would just serve him right if we improved our food.

Archie:

Here's another one. Joe Hennessey. Dinner for two. Thirty-five cents. He can afford to pay. I'm going to give that guy a ring.

SFX:

dialing phone

Archie:

Hello? Oh, hello Mrs. Hennessy. Look, I've just been going over our books and according to our records your husband brought you in here for dinner last Tuesday and he didn't ...Huh? That wasn't you he brought in? Ain't you a tall blonde with a red hat? Oh. Oh, well, uh...when he gets out of the hospital tell him to drop in to see us.

Eddie:

What a diplomat you are.

Archie:

Huh?

Eddie:

What a diplomat you are.

Archie:

Well, Eddie. How was I supposed to know the dame wasn't his wife? They was fighting all through dinner. Now, let's see. I think everybody on this block must owe us money. Look-a-here. Paganucci, a dollar twenty. Kakilowski, sixty-five cents. Domanovic, Goldberg, Gianinni, Marcinele, Epstein, Jones. Jones?! What's this neighborhood coming to?

SFX:

phone rings

Archie:

Hello? Huh? Oh, hold the line, huh? Miss Duffy, you're wanted on the phone.

Miss Duffy:

Oh, thank you.

Archie:

Yeh.

Miss Duffy:

Hello? Oh, hello, Clarence! Yes, this is your gorgeous, beautiful doll.

Archie:

Has he got the wrong number!

Miss Duffy:

Uh, what? Oh, Clarence! But Clarence, that isn't fair to Lana Turner

Archie:

This guy must have a snoot full.

Miss Duffy:

What am I doing tonight? Well, I have a date, but...Huh? Either I go out with you or you'll kill yourself?

Archie:

He'd be much better off.

Miss Duffy:

Hello, Clarence? What? You think I'm what? Oh, Clarence! That's very flattering, but after all, you only saw me that one night.

Archie:

That explains that. The guy ain't never seen her in the daylight.

Miss Duffy:

Huh? Okay, Clarence. I'll see you at the Bijou at eight o'clock. Will you, uh, be in uniform? Okay, darling.

SFX:

hang up phone

Archie:

Just a second. Ain't this Clarence, the usher at the Bijou?

Miss Duffy:

Yeah.

Archie:

I thought so...in uniform. Ain't he the one up in the second balcony?

Miss Duffy:

I'll have you know he is now on the main floor!

Archie:

Oh. They probably grounded him on account of his eyesight. Now look, Miss Duffy, will you take your mind off guys? I'm having trouble with these books and we've got to straighten them out. Now will you please explain your filing system to me?

Miss Duffy:

Yes. It's very simple. I keep all the paid bills under "p" and the unpaid bills under "u." It's what they call the P U system.

Archie:

Yes. It certainly does. And by the way, there's a couple of paid bills here, okayed by you, that I don't understand how they got in there.

Miss Duffy:

What do you mean?

Archie:

This item here. Armed forces transportation. Five dollars. How come?

Miss Duffy:

Well, you don't expect me to come home from the Navy yard at three o'clock in the morning on the subway, do you?

Archie:

Oh. Miss Duffy, how am I going to explain this item to your father?

Miss Duffy:

Well, Archie, you know, uh, sometimes figures can stand a little padding.

Archie:

You oughtta know. Now beat it, will ya? Pad the figures! What an idea! (light bulb comes on) What an idea! Maybe there's some madness in her method.

Mr. Miller:

Archie?

Archie:

Oh, hello Mr. Miller. Maybe you could help me. Do you know how to keep books?

Mr. Miller:

Oh, sure. Don't lend them to anybody. (laugh)

Music

Applause

Music

Archie:

Let's see. How can I juggle these figures? I can change a zero to a digit. Turn the 6 upside down to look like a 9. Then I can plug up the holes in these 3s so they look like 8s.

Eddie:

(singing) If I had the wings of a...

Archie:

Wait a minute, Eddie. Don't be such a wise guy. The figures are right here in the books in black and white.

Eddie:

Black and white, huh? You better get used to them colors. You may be wearing them.

Archie:

How can we fix these figures so they could come out honest? I got it. We'll take an inventory.

Eddie:

Inventory?!

Archie:

Why not?

Eddie:

Mr. Archie, you could list our complete stock on the back of a nickel without crowding the buffalo.

Archie:

Never mind the comments. Youse just help me take the inventory. Now, you call off the items, and I'll jack them up, I mean, put them down. Now first, open that box there, and give the count on the silverware.

Eddie:

Silverware? Let's see now. Teaspoons, 6. Tablespoons, 6. Soup spoons, 6. Dessert spoons, 6. Total number of spoons, 6.

Archie:

Okay, I'll put it down. Spoons, 6...-teen dozen. Now the next item, Eddie, the dishes. How many, uh, fingerbowls are there?

Eddie:

Fingerbowls? Just them same two, down there.

Archie:

Right. 6 brass fingerbowls. Now, next...china.

Eddie:

Ain't they having enough trouble?

Archie:

We're talking about the chinaware, Eddie. Now, uh, cups and saucers.

Eddie:

Okay. 4 china coffee cups, slightly chipped on the outside. 6 cups chipped inside, 4 cups no handles. 8 handles, no cups.

Archie:

China set incomplete. Only 116 pieces. Now, uh, next the plates. How many pieces?

Eddie:

Just a second, I'll count them. Four, eight, twelve, sixteen....

SFX: crash of breaking dishes

Archie:

Plates, 2000 pieces. Now, what else have we got? Oh, yes, the canned goods. Let's count the canned goods.

Eddie:

Including or excluding Mr. Moriarity?

Archie:

Eddie, don't be so "whismical." I'm talking about the canned goods that will still be canned goods in the morning.

Eddie:

That's still Mr. Moriarity.

Archie:

I gotta get this thing finished. Now would you mind to please just count the cans?

Eddie:

Okay. Okay. Let's see. One can of tuna fish.

Archie:

Two tunas.

Eddie:

Two pea soup.

Archie:

Split?

Eddie:

No, just leaking a little. Three tomato.

Archie:

That's six tomato.

Eddie:

Four mock turtle.

Archie:

Real, or imitation?

Eddie:

Can't tell. The label is covered up by the condemned stamp. Well, that's all on this shelf.

Archie:

Wait a minute. What about that rusty can over there?

Eddie:

Where? Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's see.

Archie:

What does it say?

Eddie:

"With women who know their soups best, it's Campbell's two to one. Signed, Betsy Ross."

Archie:

Just a second, Eddie. It can't be that old.

Eddie:

Oh, no? Take a look. That NRA eagle ain't no squab.

Archie:

Okay. I'll put it down. Two cans of vintage soup. Now, what's that jar on the next shelf?

Eddie:

What jar? Oh, that's some pickled pigs feet Duffy himself put up.

Archie:

Duffy put up? Okay. One jar of pickled pigs' feet, untouched by human hands. Now, leave us take the free lunch next, huh, Eddie?

Eddie:

Uh, alright. Let's see. Six salami sandwiches, six liverwurst, and two indifferent.

Archie:

What do you mean, "indifferent?"

Eddie:

After they get past a certain age, it's hard to tell.

Archie:

Okay, we'll call 'em chicken salad. That's forty chicken salad sandwiches.

SFX:

phone ringing

Archie:

Hello? (pause) Oh, hello, Duffy. Huh? Is who here? The accountant you sent down to look over the books? But Duff you can't...but Duffy...Huh? Well, okay. Then let him come. I ain't got nothing to hide.

SFX:

phone hanging up

Archie:

Look, Eddie. Where're we going to hide these books?

Eddie:

I don't know where you're going to hide them.

Accountant:

Young man, I would like to talk to you. I am Mr. Shmidlaff, a CPA.

Archie:

Oh. Oh, the accountant! Oh, yes, yes. We've been looking forward to your acquaintanceship. Hey, Eddie! The accountant just got here.

Eddie:

Well! Speak of the debits!

Archie:

Well, glad to see you, Schmidlaff, old boy. Have a cigarette?

Accountant:

Never touch them.

Archie:

A bite to eat?

Accountant:

No, thanks?

Archie:

Have a drink?

Accountant:

No thanks.

Archie:

Well, look, I got a couple of phone numbers...

Accountant:

No, thank you.

Archie:

Schmidlaff, would you mind breathing into that mirror? I just want to see if you're alive.

Accountant:

My dear young friend, I happen to be a quiet, simple, happily married man with two little children.

Archie:

Two little Schmidlaffs? Well! What an occasion this is! Eddie, Mr. Schmidlaff here said he just had twins! Schmid, for this, we've got to drink a toast.

Accountant:

Well, I didn't say anything of the kind, and I don't drink. It goes to my head.

Archie:

But Schmid, you've got to on an occasion like this. What would your answer be if someday them sweet innocent little blue-eyed, curly head cherubs come to you and say, "Daddy, is it true that you refused to drink a toast to us with Archie?"

Accountant:

Well...okay. But just one.

Archie:

Atta boy. Here you are. To the two little Schmidlaffs. Bottoms up!

Accountant:

Bottoms up! Gee, this stuff isn't so bad, at that.

Archie:

No, no. It's pretty good. Here, have another one. Down the hatch. (starts to sing) "For he's a jolly good Schmidlaff, for he's (Accountant: joins in) a jolly good Schmidlaff. For he's a jolly good Schmidlaff, which nobody can deny!"

Archie:

You know, Schmidlaff? By the way, what's your first name?

Accountant:

Bartholomew.

Archie:

You know, Schmidlaff? I used to be an accountant meself.

Accountant:

Oh. Is that so? Certified?

Archie:

No. Pasteurized.

Accountant:

(laughs) Ah, you know, this is the first fun I've had in years.

Archie:

Yeah? Hmmm... look, Schmid, come here. I got a little redhead over here on 18th Street and, uh, well, you're an accountant, you know what a round figure is....

Accountant:

Of course.

Archie:

Well, this one is for you. And I know she's crazy about bookkeepers, so what'll she do for a SPCA like you.

Accountant:

Now, wait. No, I can't do it. I've got to keep the...I've got to keep the beast in me under control. After all, I'm a married man. Now. Where are those books?

Archie:

Right here, Schmidlaff. Go ahead. Examine them. Go on. Get over there in the corner and examine them.

Eddie:

Ain't you leading with your chin there, Mr. Archie?

Archie:

Yep, Eddie. Just like a boxer leads with his chin, to find out the other guy's weakness. This guy's weakness, we find out, is dames. Ergo, so we frame him with a dame that is not his wife.

Eddie:

But suppose he gets wise?

Archie:

Gets wise? What are you talking? This guy is so square he blocks his own hats. Now, let me see. What dame can I get to help us out?

Finnegan:

Hey, Arch.

Archie:

Well! If it ain't Seabiscuit! What are you doing here? I thought you was out pulling Telluci's fruit wagon?

Finnegan:

Yeah. But I couldn't take it, Arch.

Archie:

What do you mean, you couldn't take it?

Finnegan:

Well, pulling the wagon uphill was alright, but going downhill it scraped all the skin off of me withers.

Archie:

Well, I'm glad you came back. I got a little job here that you can help me with, Finnegan.

Finnegan:

Oh, swell. Anything human?

Archie:

Yeah, but I'll give you a whack at it anyway. Ah, now, come here. I'll tell you what I want you to do. Hey, Eddie? Watch the joint in case a customer comes in, will ya?

Eddie:

Okay...Dreamer.

Music

Applause

Music

Eddie:

Mr. Archie, you mean you gonna frame a man with a wife and two children?

Archie:

Well he's got me on a spot with them books, ain't he? It's the law of the jungle, Eddie. An eye for an eye and a dog for a dog. Eddie, keep out of this. Hey, Finnegan, come here.

Finnegan:

Yeah, Arch?

Archie:

Now you remember what I told you? You remember when you're supposed to jump in, don't you?

Finnegan:

Alright, Arch. As soon as you say, "Giddy up."

Archie:

Right. Now just stand by. Hey, Miss Duffy? Come here.

Miss Duffy:

Yes? What is it now?

Archie:

Uh, Miss Duffy? You see that distinguished looking gentleman over there, with the eyeglasses, working on the books?

Miss Duffy:

Yeah?

Archie:

He just told me he goes for you. And you know who he is?

Miss Duffy:

Who?

Archie:

Only Bartholomew Shmidlaff. The wealthy bachelor and playboy. Throws money around like a confederate sailor.

Miss Duffy:

(impressed) Really?

Archie:

Yeah, boy, what a spender. See that fountain pen he's writing with? That's a lifetime fountain pen. This guy will use it once and throw it away.

Miss Duffy:

Oh, uh, he's beginning to sound interesting. But Archie, if he's so crazy about me, why did he ignore me when he came in?

Archie:

Uh, well, he told me about that. He's got what they call a Phee-bia. You know, a female phobia. It seems that when he was a baby, he had a very ugly nurse, you see, who was cruel to him, so now he gets shy in the presence of ugly women.

Miss Duffy. Oh. Well, that's different.

Archie:

Yeah.

Miss Duffy:

But I can't very well chase after him.

Archie:

What's the matter? Did you suddenly develop a charlie-horse? Look, you want a wealthy bachelor like that, you gotta go after him a little.

Miss Duffy:

Well, how do you think I ought to approach him?

Archie:

How to approach him? I don't know, you might tell him you want to write his life story for the Hobo News. Look, what's the use of me telling you how to attack the guy. You'll figure out something. I'll be right with you. Hey, Bartholomew?

Accountant:

Yes?

Archie:

You know I told you I had a cute little doll lined up for you?

Accountant:

And I told you I wasn't interested.

Archie:

But, Schmid, take a look at her over there. Look at that construction. Plenty to go around, ain't there? Ever seen anything like it before?

Accountant:

No. Has anybody?

Archie:

A fair question. But wait'll you meet her. Hey, Toots, come here. Mr.Schmidlaff shake hands with Toots. Here, Toots, put your arm around Mr. Scmidlaff.

Miss Duffy:

By all means. Gee, you're cute.

Accountant:

Now look, young lady, I'm busy with these books and I don't want to be bothered.

Miss Duffy:

Gee, he is shy, ain't he?

Archie:

There, I told you. You'll have to be the offensive one.

Miss Duffy:

Well, that's no trouble at all. Come here, Cutie, while I give you a little kiss.

Accountant:

Now just a second...

Miss Duffy:

Oh, come on!

Archie:

Atta girl, Toots! Okay. I've got him by the arm.

Miss Duffy:

Leave me at him. (kissing noises...continue)

Accountant:

Help!

Archie:

Wait...wait a minute, Miss Duffy. You don't have to go berserk. The idea is to take him alive.

Miss Duffy:

Ah, just shut up! (kissing noises)

Accountant:

Help!

Archie:

Giddy up!

Accountant:

Help!

Archie:

Giddy up!

Finnegan:

Unhand that woman, Bartholomew Schmidlaff, you fiend!

Archie:

Holy cats! Her husband!

Finnegan:

So! This is what happens behind me back when I'm out working like a horse.

Archie:

Wait a minute, Killer. Don't reach for that knife! We ain't wiped up the blood from the last guy you killed.

Finnegan:

I'll slit this homewrecker's ears from throat to throat. I'll phenopolize him. I'll de-... I'll de-...(pants)

Archie:

Look out, Schmidlaff, before he goes for your throat.

Finnegan:

I'm going out to get me gun. I'll pump this wife-stealer so full of bullets they'll never be able to get the lead out. Let me out of here.

Archie:

(whistles) Oh, boy! Are you in trouble, Bartholomew! But it's your own fault, you know. I told you not to make no passes at the dame. Boy, when your wife finds out what this guy shot you for, I'd hate to be in your spot. But if you could arrange not to mention anything about the books being short, uh...

Applause

Music