ANNOUNCER:

Palmolive Soap, your beauty hope, and Lustre-Creme Shampoo, for soft glamorous dream girl hair, bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... IN BRIEFLY AND OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Last Friday was Student Government day, a day upon which the entire administration of the city is handed over to high school pupils who have been elected by their classmates. Well, ordinarily, our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, would have very little to do with this event.

BROOKS:

But unfortunately Miss Johnson, the civics teacher, took ill on Thursday, and our principal, Mr. Conklin, suggested that I take over her class. Of course I didn't have to accept the assignment. I just figured that teaching is better than being totally unemployed. ... In some states it's better. ... At any rate, I conducted Miss Johnson's civics class on Thursday, and on the subject, "What would I do if I held public office?" the class and I had quite a spirited discussion. And in view of later developments, I'm sorry I didn't listen. ... But Friday morning finally rolled around and the entire student body and faculty gathered in the assembly hall to hear Mr. Conklin officially proclaim it "Student Government Day." Mr. Boynton, my bashful biologist, was sitting in the front row, and accidentally, with the aid of two bloodhounds, I found myself sitting right next to him. ...

BOYNTON:

Oh! Hello, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Why, Mr. Boynton, this is a surprise. To you, anyway. ...

BOYNTON:

I didn't see you sit down. I believe I left my notebook on that seat. It's just some lecture notes on the North American porcupine.

BROOKS:

Oh, sorry, Mr. Boynton, I didn't even notice it. He must have pulled in his quills. ... Here you are.

BOYNTON:

Thanks. I'll just hold it in my lap.

BROOKS:

Why don't we let the notebook have the seat and you could hold-- No, not in school, I guess. ...

BOYNTON:

You know, Miss Brooks, something just occurred to me. We're always sitting next to each other in assembly. Fate seems to be throwing us together.

BROOKS:

Compared to my throwing, Fate is a sandlot pitcher. ... But perhaps you're right, Mr. Boynton. Maybe we should give Fate a helping hand. I'm free for lunch today. How about you? Or would you rather ask me? Or am I being too subtle? ...

SOUND:

BELL RINGS

BROOKS:

(TO HERSELF) Oh, darn that bell, I'll have to get him in the next round. ...

CONKLIN:

(A SPEECH) Students, faculty members, and honored guests. First of all, as your principal, I would like to announce that because this is "Student Government Day" school will be suspended.

SOUND:

STUDENTS CHEER AND APPLAUD

CONKLIN:

Please, please, pleeeaaase. ... I sympathize with your disappointment. ... But, as you know, "Student Government Day" has been tried successfully in many other communities. And I have always been ready to experiment in any progressive plan to foster good citizenship. That is why you see before you on this platform our honored guest, Mayor Rimson.

SOUND:

POLITE APPLAUSE

CONKLIN:

Now, Mayor Rimson, would you care to say a few words?

BROOKS:

Course not, he only brought those nine pages along to put his gum in. ...

MAYOR:

(WEAKLY) Thank you, Mr. Conklin, for your generous introduction. (CLEARS THROAT, THEN EXTRAVAGANTLY DRAMATIC) As I look out upon this ocean ... of young, eager, intelligent faces, a tide of emotion swells up in me. ...

BROOKS:

I'm getting a little seasick myself. ...

MAYOR:

And as I think of the glorious future which this community can look forward to, at the hands of these youths, I am deeply touched. I have always been well informed on the affairs of young people.

BROOKS:

He ought to be; he's kissed so many babies, you can't see his tie for the pabulum. ...

MAYOR:

And so it is with considerable pride that I now inaugurate for the first time in this community "Student Government Day." Therefore, without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce to you your duly elected mayor, Miss Harriet Conklin.

CONKLIN:

(BEAT) You may applaud, now.

SOUND:

POLITE APPLAUSE

HARRIET:

Thank you. My constituents, friends, and Mayor Rimson, I intend to show this community something new and different, by making my term of office a clean and honest administration!

MAYOR:

(SPUTTERS) Well, now-- ...

HARRIET:

We will not tolerate graft and corruption!

MAYOR:

(SPUTTERS EXTRAVAGANTLY)

CONKLIN:

Thank you, Harriet Conklin! ...

HARRIET:

As Miss Brooks said in our civics class yesterday, "The racketeers must go -- no matter what politician is protecting them."

BROOKS:

(NERVOUS) Oh, that Miss Brooks certainly is a card! ...

CONKLIN:

That will be all, Harriet.

BOYNTON:

(QUIETLY, TO BROOKS) Did you really say that in civics class?

BROOKS:

I don't know, I wasn't listening. ...

CONKLIN:

Mayor Rimson, allow me to apologize for my daughter's enthusiasm.

MAYOR:

Hmm.

CONKLIN:

She was obviously referring to the aims of civic governments in general, without realizing that those aims have already been attained in our community.

MAYOR:

(UNCONVINCED) Of course, of course. ... (PRESSES ON) Now, it is my extreme pleasure to introduce the student who has been elected your Chief of Police, Walter Denton.

SOUND:

POLITE APPLAUSE

WALTER:

Thank you. Thank you, friends. As your incumbent Police Chief, I cannot re-emphasize too forcefully the remarks Miss Brooks made in civics class yesterday. ... To wit, "Every crook and grafter who has been mulcting the city treasury of funds has got to--"

MAYOR:

(CLEARS THROAT POINTEDLY) ...

CONKLIN:

Thank you, Chief of Police Walter Denton.

WALTER:

But I haven't finished my speech.

CONKLIN:

Ohhh, yes you have, Denton. ...

WALTER:

But, Mr. Conklin, as Miss Brooks said just yesterday--

CONKLIN:

This is not a symposium on the memoirs of Miss Brooks! Or maybe it is. (CALLS) Miss Brooks? You here?

BROOKS:

No, I couldn't make it today. ...

CONKLIN:

What's that? Oh! Oh, there you are. Before we go any further, isn't there something you'd like to say?

BROOKS:

Yes, sir. Is there a doctor in the house? ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

OFFICE DOOR OPENS ... BROOKS' FOOTSTEPS IN ... DOOR SHUTS

BROOKS:

You sent for me, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

Yes, Miss Brooks, I did. In spite of my abject apologies, Mayor Rimson left here in a very ugly mood. Now, Miss Brooks, just what happened in civics class yesterday?

BROOKS:

Well, we had an open discussion and somebody opened it wider than I realized. ... But we only discussed corrupt city administrations in general, Mr. Conklin. We made no specific mention of Mayor Rimson's corrupt administration. I mean, uh-- ...

CONKLIN:

Never mind what you mean. Thanks to you, we've got a band of young malcontents on our hands. Why, not five minutes ago, a student delegation was in here demanding a three-day school week. And that's not all. They also informed me that they would like a four-hour day, starting from the moment they leave home till the moment they arrive back there. ... That's portal to portal. ...

BROOKS:

Next thing you know, they'll be wanting time-and-a-half for leaving the room. ...

CONKLIN:

There's no telling how far this thing can go. They've got the whip hand. They're in public office today! "Student Government Day" indeed. Whoever thought up that crack-brained idea ought to have his head examined.

BROOKS:

Bend over, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

What?

BROOKS:

It was your idea.

CONKLIN:

Oh. Well, don't change the subject. ... As I was saying, there's no telling what that student reform party is capable of doing. Miss Brooks, it's up to you to see that they stay out of mischief.

BROOKS:

But, Mr. Conklin, you said this was a holiday, and I've got a very important lunch date - to make. ...

CONKLIN:

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Brooks, you've got to chaperone those students.

BROOKS:

But, Mr. Conklin--

CONKLIN:

Dismissed, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

But--

CONKLIN:

I said, fall out! On the double!

BROOKS:

Aye, aye, sir. ...

SOUND:

BROOKS' HURRIED STEPS THROUGH OFFICE DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS, THEN DOWN HALLWAY BEHIND--

BROOKS:

(TO HERSELF) Fine way to spend a holiday -- chaperoning a bunch of-- What am I running about? I'm halfway down the hall. ...

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, BROOKS' STEPS STOP

BROOKS:

(TO HERSELF) Now, that's funny. I stopped right outside Mr. Boynton's biology lab. Well, I might as well go in now that I'm here.

SOUND:

BROOKS' STEPS THROUGH LAB DOOR, WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS

BOYNTON:

Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. Say, I hope Mr. Conklin wasn't too severe with you.

BROOKS:

Not at all, Mr. Boynton. How are you at setting bones? (INCREASINGLY RAPID) And speaking of lunch, which you weren't, the date we almost had, but didn't quite, because you didn't get around to asking me, and which I was going to talk you into, but which I would have had to cancel because Mr. Conklin wants me to chaperone the students who are acting as government officials today--

BOYNTON:

Well, just a minute, Miss Brooks. I can't quite follow you.

BROOKS:

Me either, Mr. Boynton. ... I suppose I'm trying to apologize for standing you up.

BOYNTON:

When?

BROOKS:

Today.

BOYNTON:

(PUZZLED) You were supposed to have lunch with me today?

BROOKS:

(SWEETLY) How nice of you to ask me! ... Shall we say the front steps in fifteen minutes?

BOYNTON:

Oh, but, I--

BROOKS:

I just want to powder my nose and fix up a bit.

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, BROOKS' STEPS TO LAB DOOR, WHICH OPENS

BOYNTON:

But you just said something about chaperoning the students--

BROOKS:

Oh, that can wait till after lunch. See you in a little while, Mr. Boynton!

SOUND:

LAB DOOR SHUTS ... BROOKS' STEPS DOWN HALL, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

BROOKS:

(TO HERSELF) I wonder if I'm playing too hard to get? ... Now, if I can just avoid Her Honor, the Mayor, and Walter Denton--

HARRIET:

(OFF) Oh, Walter, there's Miss Brooks!

BROOKS:

Uh-oh.

WALTER:

Hiya, Miss Brooks, we've been lookin' for you.

BROOKS:

I've been lurking from you, too. ...

HARRIET:

(HEARTFELT) Miss Brooks, as mayor of this community, I feel that I have you to thank for many of my high ideals.

WALTER:

Me, too, Miss Brooks. When you stood up in civics class yesterday with a - a kind of glowing luminous light emanating from your skull ... and your chalk poised in front of the blackboard, you know who you reminded me of?

BROOKS:

Joan of Arc at the Battle of the Erasers. ... Look, kids, I promised Mr. Conklin I'd chaperone you today, but I have--

HARRIET:

Wonderful, Miss Brooks! We're really going to clean up this town.

WALTER:

You have no idea what's going on in this town, Miss Brooks. If you'll just stick with us, we'll show you graft and corruption, infamy and greed.

BROOKS:

I'd rather have Mr. Boynton show me spaghetti and meatballs. ... Now, if you'll just keep quiet about it, I'll meet Mr. Boynton for lunch--

HARRIET:

Lunch?! But what about the ideas of decent, honest government that you had yesterday?

WALTER:

Yeah, and don't you want to be in at the kill?

BROOKS:

(TROUBLED) Who are we killing?

HARRIET:

I'm afraid we'll have to take an executive action, Walter.

WALTER:

Right! Miss Brooks, I assume you still believe in obedience to duly elected authority?

BROOKS:

Of course I do, Walter.

WALTER:

Then, as Chief of Police, I hereby appoint you Deputy Sheriff. For the rest of the day, Miss Brooks, you'll take orders from me.

BROOKS:

But, Walter--

WALTER:

Silence!

BROOKS:

Oui, mon capitaine. ...

WALTER:

Here. With this badge, I hereby make you a deputy sheriff.

BROOKS:

Look, Walter. To you I'm a deputy sheriff, and to Harriet I'm a deputy sheriff, but to a deputy sheriff am I a deputy sheriff? Hm?

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment. But, first, here is Verne Smith.

VERNE:

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WOMAN:

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VERNE:

Remember, thirty-six doctors, leading skin specialists, advised one thousand two hundred eighty-five women -- many with complexion problems -- to use Palmolive this way. Some have dry skin, some oily, some coarse-looking. Using Palmolive Soap alone, two out of three won lovelier complexions. Now, here's what the doctors advised.

WOMAN:

Wash your face with Palmolive Soap, massaging for one minute with Palmolive's soft lather. This cleansing massage brings your skin Palmolive's full beautifying effect. Rinse. Do this three times a day for fourteen days.

VERNE:

It's that simple. But doctors have proved this way -- using nothing but Palmolive -- really works. So forget other beauty care. Use Palmolive Soap alone for a lovelier complexion.

WOMAN:

For loveliness all over, use big thrifty bath-size Palmolive in your tub or shower.

MUSIC:

THEME ... IN BRIEFLY AND OUT BEHIND--

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND ... AND POLICE SIREN

BROOKS:

You'd better pull over, Walter.

WALTER:

Why, Miss Brooks? (REALIZES) Oh! Oh, the siren. That's on our car. I put it on this morning.

SOUND:

POLICE SIREN FADES OUT BEHIND--

BROOKS:

I don't want to seem insubordinate, Chief, but just where are we going?

WALTER:

To the Jackpot Amusement Company's warehouse.

HARRIET:

We've been watching the place for weeks, Miss Brooks -- in preparation for today -- and we've seen truckloads of slot machines delivered there.

BROOKS:

Slot machines?

WALTER:

Sure. The kind they put in the back of candy stores, where little school kids can spend their lunch money in a futile effort to get rich quick.

HARRIET:

You know, where you pull a lever and try to hit as many bumpers as possible.

BROOKS:

Ohhhh. The game I play in my car. ...

WALTER:

Well, those kind aren't so bad. It's the "one-armed bandits" that keep the kids broke. Oh, they're all fixed.

BROOKS:

Fixed?

WALTER:

Sure. If a machine pays back more than five cents on the dollar, they break its arm.

SOUND:

AUTO SLOWS TO A STOP

HARRIET:

Here we are. The Jackpot Amusement Company.

BROOKS:

What are we going to do here?

WALTER:

We're gonna raid the place.

BROOKS:

We three?

WALTER:

No, there's another bunch of kids coming any minute. You see, the Fire Commissioner had to go home and change his pants. He tore 'em sliding down the pole at the firehouse. ... Well, are you all ready, men?

BROOKS:

Speaking for some of us men, no. ...

WALTER:

Now, when I blow my police whistle, we'll charge.

BROOKS:

Sorry, I don't have an account here. ...

WALTER:

Let's go!

SOUND:

WHISTLE BLOWN

HARRIET:

I'm with you, Walter!

BROOKS:

Oh, now, Walter! Harriet! Listen! Let's go to a movie.

SOUND:

BANGING ON DOOR

WALTER:

Open up in the name of the law!

SOUND:

BANGING ON DOOR

WALTER:

Are you gonna open up or do we have to break it in?

BROOKS:

Walter, please!

WALTER:

Stand in back of Miss Brooks, Harriet.

BROOKS:

Oh, fine. Now they're going to use me for a battering ram. ...

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

HONEST JIM:

What's goin' on out here?

BROOKS:

Trick or treat. ...

HONEST JIM:

What's that?

WALTER:

Are you one of the employees of the Jackpot Amusement Company?

HONEST JIM:

What if I am?

WALTER:

You're under arrest!

HONEST JIM:

Whaaaat?!

WALTER:

Miss Brooks, you're a deputy sheriff; arrest this man.

BROOKS:

(MANLY) Pull over to the curb, bud. ...

HONEST JIM:

Look, lady, I'm a busy man. Why don't you just take your kids over to the playground and shove 'em down a sharp slide? ... Now beat it.

HARRIET:

Oh? Resisting arrest, eh? This may go hard with you, my good man.

OFFICER:

(APPROACHES) What's going on here? Who blew the police whistle?

WALTER:

I did! Officer, arrest this man!

OFFICER:

What did he do? He try to get fresh with you, lady?

BROOKS:

No, and that's the story of my life. ...

OFFICER:

Then what do you want him arrested for?

WALTER:

Yours not to reason why. As your Chief of Police, I gave an order. Your duty is to obey.

OFFICER:

How does that go again, sonny?

HARRIET:

You heard him, Officer. As Mayor, I decree that you arrest this individual.

OFFICER:

Let me get this straight. You're the Mayor, and he's the Chief of Police. Ahhh. Who are you, lady?

BROOKS:

I'm Joan of Arc and stop breathing on my armor. ...

HONEST JIM:

I do not wish to be rude, but I have to go in now. You see, I am Little Miss Muffet and I have to go sit on my tuffet for a while. ...

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS

WALTER:

This is your last chance, Officer. Arrest that man in there or tomorrow you'll be pounding a beat in the swamp.

OFFICER:

Oh? "Pounding a beat in the swamp," is it?

HARRIET:

Do you realize this is insubordination?

OFFICER:

Oh! "Insubordination," is it?

WALTER:

You've just got to arrest that man.

OFFICER:

Oh, "arrest that man," is it?!

BROOKS:

This is getting monotonous, was it? ...

OFFICER:

Look, folks, why don't you all run along and we'll forget about the whole thing.

WALTER:

Oh, that settles it. Miss Brooks, arrest this policeman.

OFFICER:

"Arrest this policeman," is it?

BROOKS:

Now, don't start that again. Will you go quietly or do I have to use the bracelets?

OFFICER:

Take it easy, lady; we'll settle this in a minute.

SOUND:

WHISTLE BLOWN

WALTER:

That doesn't frighten anybody. I got one of those, too.

SOUND:

WHISTLE BLOWN

OFFICER:

Good for you, sonny.

HARRIET:

Some people don't seem to be familiar with the Constitution of the United States, which says, "We, the people of the United States of America, [X] in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare--"

WALTER:

(OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE, AT [X]) Or, for that matter, the Declaration of Independence, which says, "We hold there truths to be self evident, [Y] that all men are created equal, that they are--

BROOKS:

(OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE, AT [Y]) Little Jack Horner / Sat in the corner, / Eating his Christmas pie-ya. ...

SOUND:

WALTER AND HARRIET FALL SILENT ... POLICE SIREN APPROACHES BEHIND--

BROOKS:

(FINISHES RHYME) He stuck in his thumb / And pulled out a plum, / And along came the Black Maria. (PRONOUNCED "muh-RYE-uh") ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

BROOKS:

(CALLS) Guard! Oh, guard?!

WALTER:

Aw, it's no use, Miss Brooks. He won't even listen to us.

HARRIET:

Let me call him. After all, I'm still mayor.

WALTER:

Fine mayor. She's been in office six hours and the whole administration's up the river. ...

HARRIET:

It's as much your fault as mine. You and your police whistle.

BROOKS:

Now don't start bickering, children. Maybe if we behave ourselves they'll make us trusties. (CALLS) Hello, out there! Oh, guard! Jailer? Turnkey?

OFFICER:

(OFF, SAVAGE) Shut up!

BROOKS:

My, what ill-bred screws. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

CONKLIN:

(INTO PHONE) Yes, yes, Mrs. Denton, I'll call you the minute I hear from Walter. Goodbye.

SOUND:

PHONE RECEIVER DOWN

CONKLIN:

Imagine that, Martha. Mrs. Denton wanted me to call the police department. How would they know where her son, Walter, is? I can't understand it, Martha.

MARTHA:

You can't understand what, Osgood?

CONKLIN:

That's the fifth parent who's called me up to ask why her child hasn't come home for dinner yet. You'd think they'd keep track of their children and not suddenly discover at seven o'clock that they haven't come home for dinner yet. By the way, where's Harriet?

MARTHA:

She hasn't come home for dinner yet.

CONKLIN:

(EXPLODES) What?! .... Well, don't just stand there, do something! Call Miss Brooks! I put the children in her charge! Call the police! The Bureau of Missing Persons! Get the district attorney! Contact the mayor! (INCREASINGLY INCOHERENT) Find out if there's somebody-- Why don't they--? Well, maybe you could get a hold of the-- Well, I don't know where-- What are you just standing there for? (MORE GARBLED INCOHERENCE IN THE SAME RHYTHM, FINALLY STOPS WITH--)

MARTHA:

Osgood! ... Sometimes you sound like a walrus caught in a Turkish bath. ... I did call Miss Brooks. Mrs. Davis said she wasn't home yet. Poor woman, she's had dinner on since six. She's terribly worried about her stewed tomatoes.

CONKLIN:

Please stop sniveling about Mrs. Davis' tomatoes! We've got our own tomato to worry about. ...

MARTHA:

Please dear, calm down a little. Here, have some fruit; it's very good for the nerves.

CONKLIN:

I don't want any fruit.

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

CONKLIN:

(TENSE) Ah! That's probably Harriet now. I'll answer it. (FORCED CALM, TO HIMSELF) I mustn't lose my temper. I must be calm. (CLEARS THROAT, VERY SWEETLY) Hellooo-oooo. ...

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

HARRIET:

Osgood. You're talking in a banana. ...

CONKLIN:

No wonder, with the house all cluttered up with fruit bowls.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

CONKLIN:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? Is that you, Harriet?

MRS. DAVIS:

(FILTER, CHEERFUL) No, Osgood. This is Margaret Davis.

CONKLIN:

(DISAPPOINTED GROAN) Ohhh.

MRS. DAVIS:

(FILTER) I just had a call from Miss Brooks.

CONKLIN:

You have?

MRS. DAVIS:

(FILTER) Yes, Osgood. Harriet, Walter Denton, and several of the other students are with her.

CONKLIN:

Oh! Well, thank heavens. Tell me, Margaret, where are the children and Miss Brooks?

MRS. DAVIS:

(FILTER, AS IF IT WERE WONDERFUL) They're in jail, Osgood!

CONKLIN:

(CALM) Fine. Fine. (TO MARTHA) You see, Martha? I told you there was nothing to worry about. Miss Brooks and the children are all in jaiiiiiiiiIIIILLL???!!! ... (EXPLODES) Martha, take this phone out of my hands and put back the banana! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE (QUOTES "THE PRISONER'S SONG")

OFFICER:

Here are the prisoners, young fella. You may talk with them, but don't try to pass anything through the bars.

BOYNTON:

Oh, thank you.

HARRIET:

Why, Mr. Boynton!

WALTER:

Hi, Mr. Boynton. We've been framed.

BROOKS:

About that luncheon date -- I don't think I can make it. ...

BOYNTON:

What is all this, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Haven't you heard? We're celebrating "Student Convict Day." ...

HARRIET:

We were only doing our duty as public servants. But Mayor Rimson must have forgotten to notify any of the other authorities.

WALTER:

Yeah, we raided some racketeers and the next thing we knew we were in the pie wagon. ...

BOYNTON:

Well, they have no right to hold you here. (CALLS) Oh, officer? Officer?

OFFICER:

What is it now?

BOYNTON:

Why, there - there's been a mistake. Please open this cell and let these people out of here.

OFFICER:

Oh, "let these people out of here," is it?

BOYNTON:

Well, yes. It just happens that I've had quite a bit of legal training in addition to my biological background and I can tell you that you have no legal basis upon which to hold them any longer.

HARRIET:

Good for you, Mr. Boynton!

WALTER:

That's telling him, Mr. B.

BOYNTON:

And furthermore, I'm sure you don't want to get into any trouble.

OFFICER:

Oh, I don't, don't I?

BROOKS:

Tell him you'll have him pounding a beat in the swamp. ...

BOYNTON:

If you persist in this belligerent attitude, you're liable to be pounding a beat in a swamp.

OFFICER:

That's done it!

SOUND:

CELL DOOR UNLOCKED AND OPENED

BOYNTON:

There. I knew you'd see it my way.

SOUND:

CELL DOOR SLAMS SHUT

BROOKS:

At last, Mr. Boynton -- just you and I and the children. ...

BOYNTON:

This is absurd! I don't belong in this cell.

OFFICER:

Now, behave yourself! Behave yourself or I'll put you in solitary!

SOUND:

MRS. DAVIS' STEPS APPROACH

MRS. DAVIS:

(APPROACHES) Oh, there you are, Connie.

HARRIET:

Why, it's Mrs. Davis!

MRS. DAVIS:

I would have been here sooner, but I just had to stop at the mass meeting.

BROOKS:

What mass meeting, Mrs. Davis?

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, Mr. Boynton is with you. How nice.

BOYNTON:

Please, Mrs. Davis, we've got to get out of here. Now, if you'll only--

MRS. DAVIS:

Everybody in town was there, Connie, and I told them what you said to me on the phone, about "Student Government Day" being run all wrong.

WALTER:

Good for you, Mrs. Davis. Now maybe we'll get some action!

CONKLIN:

(OFF, IMPERIOUS) Where's the Brooks' cell? ...

OFFICER:

(OFF) The line forms on your left.

MRS. DAVIS:

I also told those parents how you said that if you had been running "Student Government Day" instead of Mr. Conklin, there wouldn't have been so much dunderheaded bumbling.

CONKLIN:

Uhh, bumbling?

MRS. DAVIS:

Oh, hello, Osgood, we were just talking about you.

BROOKS:

Anybody want to buy a used teacher's license? ...

MRS. DAVIS:

Well, I guess I'll be running along. (MOVING OFF) Now that Mr. Conklin's here, I'm sure there's nothing further to worry about.

CONKLIN:

(FURIOUS AND INCOHERENT) Miss Brooks! How could you put--? Why did you have to--? When will you--? Who ever--?

BROOKS:

Oh, please, Mr. Conklin, remember your blood pressure.

HARRIET:

It wasn't Miss Brooks' fault, daddy! Don't blame her!

CONKLIN:

And you, Harriet. In prison! How could you do this to me? My own flesh and blood.

WALTER:

If you've got his blood, Harriet, you better watch your pressure, too.

CONKLIN:

Quiet, Denton. Miss Brooks, it's my painful duty to inform you that you are under suspension for conduct unbecoming a teacher. Have you anything to say in your own defense?

BROOKS:

Yes, Your Honor, I'd like a new trial.

CONKLIN:

On what grounds?

BROOKS:

On the grounds that I'm not doing so well in this one. ...

CONKLIN:

We'll discuss that at the proper time. Meanwhile, you children remain here in Mr. Boynton's charge until I can arrange to have-- (BIG DOUBLE TAKE) Mr. Boynton?! ...

BOYNTON:

(APOLOGETIC) Hello, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

What in the world are you doing here?!

BOYNTON:

I'm just visiting, Mr. Conklin.

BROOKS:

One of those guests you just can't get rid of. ...

CONKLIN:

Well, we'll see all about this. I'm going straight to Mayor Rimson's office. I'll handle this matter personally!

BOYNTON:

Well, what'll I do in the meantime?

BROOKS:

With a little luck, thirty days. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

MAYOR:

Well, you've done a lot for me, H. J., but I can't understand why we're dumping this slot machine deal.

HONEST JIM:

Because it's too hot, Mayor. Besides, our cut ain't big enough. Also the people are up in arms.

MAYOR:

What do they know about it?

HONEST JIM:

Ed, I'm surprised at you. What do my initials stand for? H. J. -- Honest Jim! I'm the people's friend, Ed, and we got an election coming up. We can't afford to let the people get upset or the first thing you know they'll start thinking for themselves. And then where are we?!

MAYOR:

Okay, Jim, okay. I'll have the Jackpot company get rid of those machines right away.

HONEST JIM:

No, I've got a better idea. Ed, you're gonna make yourself a hero with every parent in this community.

MAYOR:

Huh?

HONEST JIM:

You're gonna let the kids do this job, the kids who were elected to public office for this one day.

MAYOR:

Wonderful, Jim, wonderful. I'll call all my department heads and I'll tell them the students holding office are to have complete authority.

HONEST JIM:

Fine, Ed. It's de-mock-racy in action, that's what it is.

MAYOR:

Yes, sir! De-mock-racy in action. And Mayor Rimson is solidly behind it--

HJ & MAYOR:

--until after election!

MUSIC:

MOCK PATRIOTIC BRIDGE

SOUND:

CELL DOOR OPENS

OFFICER:

Which one of you is Mayor Harriet Conklin?

HARRIET:

I am.

OFFICER:

Step out, please.

SOUND:

HARRIET'S STEPS

OFFICER:

Now, which one of you is Chief of Police Denton?

WALTER:

That's me.

OFFICER:

Come on out. I've had orders to release the both of you.

BOYNTON:

Oh, but what about Miss Brooks and myself?

OFFICER:

Sorry, my orders didn't say anything about you two.

WALTER:

But I insist that you release them immediately!

BROOKS:

Quiet, Walter. Orders are orders. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden as OUR MISS BROOKS returns in just a moment, but first--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

2ND ANNCR:

Tonight, show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Only Lustre-Creme brings you Kay Daumit's magic formula blend of secret ingredients, plus gentle lanolin. Gives loveliness lather, even in hardest water. Glamorizes your hair as you wash it. Lustre-Creme -- not a soap, not a liquid -- but a dainty creme shampoo. Leaves hair fragrantly clean. Free of loose dandruff. Glistening with sheen. Soft, manageable. Gives new beauty to all hairdos or permanents. Four-ounce jar, one dollar. Smaller sizes, either tubes or jars. Tonight, try Lustre-Creme Shampoo and be a--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.
You owe your crowning glory to--
A Lustre-Creme shampoo.

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, once again, here is our Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Well, in spite of everything, Walter and Harriet got us out of jail promptly. And that wasn't the only thing "Student Government Day" accomplished. The racketeers left town almost immediately. In fact, the very next day, Walter took me out to the Jackpot warehouse for a last look at the place.

WALTER:

Pretty deserted now, isn't it?

BROOKS:

Yes, it is, Walter. Let's go in and see if they've cleaned out the slot machines.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

WALTER:

I'm gonna look around in back, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Go ahead, Walter.

SOUND:

WALTER'S STEPS AWAY

BROOKS:

(TO HERSELF) Say, here's one of those nickel machines. Hm-hm. What a racket.

SOUND:

PUTS NICKEL IN MACHINE ... PULLS LEVER ... MACHINE WHIRS AND CLICKS

BROOKS:

(TO HERSELF) Naturally. Two lemons and an anchovy. ... If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "Crime does not pay."

SOUND:

COINS POUR NOISILY OUT OF MACHINE

BROOKS:

(SHRIEKS IN DELIGHTED SURPRISE) ...

MUSIC:

THEME ... FOR CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Next week, tune in to another OUR MISS BROOKS show, brought to you by Palmolive Soap, your beauty hope, and Lustre-Creme Shampoo, for soft glamorous dream girl hair. OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Burns, written and directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler, Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillan, Helen Spring, Hans Conried, Hal March, and Herb Vigran.

MUSIC:

TAG

3RD ANNCR:

Men, do you shave with a lather or brushless shave cream? Palmolive Shaving Cream comes both ways. And, whichever way you prefer to shave, you'll find that using either Palmolive Brushless or Palmolive Lather Shaving Cream can bring you more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Here's the proof. Twenty-five hundred forty-eight men tried the new Palmolive way to shave described on the tube. And no matter how they had shaved before, three out of every four got more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Get Palmolive Brushless or Palmolive Lather Shaving Cream today.

MUSIC:

THEME ... FOR A TAG

4TH ANNCR:

Today, one person dies from tuberculosis every ten minutes. Tuberculosis kills more people between the ages of fifteen and forty-four than any other disease. What's more, you may have tuberculosis and not know it because, in its early stages, tuberculosis is without symptoms of any kind. Yet tuberculosis is curable. Help stop it from spreading by getting chest X-rays immediately. And remember, in some places you can get a chest X-ray free or at nominal cost through your local tuberculosis association or health department. So check your chest. Get a chest X-ray now.

MUSIC:

THEME ... IN BG, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to MR. AND MRS. NORTH, the exciting fun-packed adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evenings over most of these same stations and be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS. Stay tuned now for LUM AND ABNER. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE