ANNOUNCER:

Kraft presents THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE!

GILDY:

(DIRTY LAUGH)

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Kraft Cheese Company, makers of Parkay Margarine and a complete line of famous quality food products, presents Harold Peary as The Great Gildersleeve. Kraft brings you THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE every week at this same time, written by John Whedon and Sam Moore, music by Claude Sweeten.

MUSIC:

THEME UP AND OUT ... SEGUES TO IRVING BERLIN'S "BLUE SKIES" ... A HALF-CHORUS, THEN BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

We'll hear from The Great Gildersleeve in just a moment. Meanwhile, I'd like to ask: Are you cheese hungry? Do you sometimes kind of hanker for a dish of macaroni with real whole cheese flavor all through it? Well, then get Kraft Dinner -- the new Kraft Dinner -- better than ever. In seven minutes' cooking time, this new Kraft Dinner gives you just about the best macaroni-and-cheese you ever laid fork to. You see, each package of Kraft Dinner gives you a special macaroni that cooks to fluffy tenderness just in boiling water. And there's also plenty of golden Kraft Grated, a really magic product. With this Kraft Grated, you sprinkle swell cheese flavor through and through that macaroni. With Kraft Dinner you make top-notch macaroni-and-cheese as fast as you make the dinner coffee. Try it soon. Folks who are really fussy about macaroni-and-cheese rave about the new Kraft Dinner. Ask your food dealer tomorrow for several packages of Kraft Dinner.

MUSIC:

"BLUE SKIES" UP AND OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Now on to Summerfield and The Great Gildersleeve. Like every other town in the land, Summerfield finds itself on the eve of a national election.

SOUND:

MOB RIOTS ... "BOOS" AND MURMURS ... BOYS YELL "FIGHT! FIGHT!" ... POLICE WHISTLES ... FIRE ALARMS RING AND POLICE SIRENS APPROACH ... THEN EVERYTHING FADES OUT FOR--

ANNOUNCER:

(CHUCKLES) Well, so it goes. But the hottest discussion in Summerfield seems to be over the campaign for mayor. So let's drop in at the office of the newly reappointed water commissioner and listen in.

GILDY:

Don't make me laugh, Judge. Don't make me laugh. Terwiliger may be no rose, but who ever heard of Welch? Welch doesn't stand a chance.

JUDGE:

There I must beg leave to differ. Art Welch will be elected mayor of Summerfield on Tuesday next.

GILDY:

Art Welch will be the forgotten man on Tuesday next.

JUDGE:

Welch will be elected mayor.

GILDY:

You said that before.

JUDGE:

I say it again.

GILDY:

Look, Judge, put up or shut up! I'll make you a conservative bet of one thousand dollars that Welch doesn't come within a mile of being elected.

JUDGE:

I'll bet you five thousand that he wins with a plurality of over eight hundred.

GILDY:

I'll bet you a million he doesn't!

JUDGE:

I'll bet you five million he does!

GILDY:

I'll bet you ten million he doesn't!

JUDGE:

Well, now you're just talking like a fool.

GILDY:

All right, is it a bet?

JUDGE:

Yeah. It's a bet!

GILDY:

Ten million dollars?

JUDGE:

Ten million dollars!

GILDY:

(BEAT, CALMER) Look, Judge, if you want to bet, let's bet. Fifty cents? ...

JUDGE:

I never bet money on elections.

GILDY:

You're afraid.

JUDGE:

It's against my principles.

GILDY:

Judge, if Cyrus P. Terwiliger's not re-elected mayor of this town on Tuesday next, I will personally push a peanut up the middle of Market Street with my nose!

JUDGE:

My friend, you've got a bet!

GILDY:

(BEAT, UNEASY) Uhhhhh-- Make it State Street. Market Street's got cobblestones. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... GILDY'S STEPS IN ... THEN DOOR SHUTS BEHIND--

BIRDIE:

(SURPRISED) Mr. Gildersleeve, you're early!

GILDY:

Well, hello, Birdie.

BIRDIE:

(CALLS GENTLY) Miss Marjorie, your uncle's home! (CONCERNED, TO GILDY) Ain't nothin' wrong is there, Mr. Gildersleeve?

GILDY:

Wrong? No. Why? I just knocked off early because there's nothing being accomplished down at my office. (WITH DISTASTE) Nothing but a lot of political discussion, and I'm sick of it.

BIRDIE:

(AGREES) Sho' is a lot of that! I had it out with the milkman, the iceman, the garbage man, and a man that just got lost.

SOUND:

MARJORIE'S STEPS DOWN THE STAIRS

MARJORIE:

(SURPRISED) Uncle Mort!

GILDY:

Well, my dear?

MARJORIE:

You didn't get fired again?!

GILDY:

Certainly not. Why do you ask?

MARJORIE:

Why are you home so early? Leroy isn't even home yet.

GILDY:

(ANNOYED) I came home because I thought I'd take the afternoon off, if nobody minds. Besides, with this darned election, I can't seem to keep my mind on my work anyway! (CHANGES SUBJECT) Well, what's for dinner, Birdie?

BIRDIE:

Well, dinner ain't for several hours yet.

GILDY:

I know. I merely asked.

BIRDIE:

Well, sir, I thought we might have a little lamb this evenin'.

GILDY:

We had "a little lamb" last night, Birdie.

BIRDIE:

Yassuh, but this is a return engagement. ... I hope you don't mind.

GILDY:

No. Lamb is good. I merely mentioned it.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

LEROY:

Hi!

MARJORIE:

Hi, Leroy.

GILDY:

Leroy, aren't you home--?

LEROY:

(INTERRUPTS) Unc! What happened?! Didja get fired again?!

GILDY:

(HIGHLY OFFENDED) Fired?! Let me make it clear to everybody once and for all. I did not get fired, today or any other time -- is that clear?

LEROY:

Yes, sir.

GILDY:

The only time I got fired, I resigned.

BIRDIE:

Mr. Gildersleeve, who you gonna vote for?

GILDY:

Birdie, I'm casting my ballot for Cyrus P. Terwiliger.

MARJORIE:

(DISBELIEF) After he fired you out of the water department?

GILDY:

A good citizen, my dear, puts his choice for public office above personal considerations. Besides, Terwiliger is also the man who gave me my job back. Let's not be forgetting that.

LEROY:

Yeah, Unc is right -- ya gotta figure all the angles. He's workin' for Terwiliger now, so he's gotta vote the way he's told. ...

GILDY:

That has nothing whatever to do with it! ...

LEROY:

(AMUSED) Are you kiddin'?!

GILDY:

I am beholden to no man, Leroy. I arrived at this decision as the result of mature consideration and unbiased judgment. (BEAT) Well, I did!

MARJORIE:

(KNOWINGLY) How is Judge Hooker voting?

GILDY:

The judge is a big sorehead. He votes like a sorehead. "Forgive and forget" -- that's my motto.

BIRDIE:

Aw, Mr. Gildersleeve, you hadn't oughta vote for that man.

MARJORIE:

Birdie's right. I'm surprised at you, Uncle Mort.

GILDY:

Who are you to be surprised at me, young lady?! I'll ask you to remember I'm your uncle! If anybody's gonna be surprised around here, I'll be surprised.

MARJORIE:

Well, I don't care. Francie's father says Mayor Terwiliger is no good.

BIRDIE:

That's right! He's no good! And if you don't believe it, ask the iceman! ...

MARJORIE:

Francie's father says Mayor Terwiliger is a disgrace to Summerfield.

GILDY:

I don't care what Francie's father says.

MARJORIE:

He says he wouldn't vote for Terwiliger if he was the last man on Earth.

GILDY:

Well, I wouldn't vote for Francie's father -- so there! Ye gods! Can't a man have any peace around here?! I come home early from the office because I can't stand all the politics, and what do I get?! By George, I'm going out! Birdie, what time is dinner?

BIRDIE:

Well, I thought if you didn't mind, Mr. Gildersleeve, I've got a meetin' of my club tonight and--

GILDY:

Oh?

BIRDIE:

--we were sort of gonna run over the candidates and the issues, so--

GILDY:

(EXASPERATED) Oh, my goodness.

BIRDIE:

--I thought if you didn't mind, we'd have dinner a little early -- 'round six o'clock?

GILDY:

Six o'clock, five o'clock, four o'clock -- don't mind me!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

GILDY:

Maybe I'll be back and maybe I won't!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR SLAMS SHUT

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

GILDY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... WIND BLOWS ... THEN IN BG

GILDY:

(TO HIMSELF) Brrrr. Cold.

FLOYD:

Hi, Commissioner.

GILDY:

Huh? Oh. Hello, Floyd.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS STOP

FLOYD:

Where are you tearin' off to?

GILDY:

Nowhere, Floyd. Just trying to get a little peace and quiet.

FLOYD:

Well, come in here. I'll give ya a hot towel.

GILDY:

Well, a hot towel sounds good -- if you'll promise not to sell me any politics along with it.

FLOYD:

(CHUCKLES) Don't worry.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS INTO BARBER SHOP ... SHOP DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT WIND

FLOYD:

Here let me have your coat.

GILDY:

Okay. (EXHALES)

FLOYD:

There. Climb right up in the chair and lay down, Commissioner.

GILDY:

Thank you.

SOUND:

GILDY'S STEPS TO CHAIR ... CLIMBS INTO CHAIR

GILDY:

(EXHALES EXTRAVAGANTLY) This wouldn't be a bad place to spend the day.

FLOYD:

Well, suit yourself. We can start at the top of the price list and give ya the works.

GILDY:

(GRUMPY) Just the hot towel, Floyd. But keep it nonpartisan.

FLOYD:

(PLEASANT) That's me. I'm gonna vote for Artie Welch, but I'll be quiet about it.

GILDY:

(GRUMBLES)

SOUND:

WATER SLOSHES IN SINK BEHIND--

FLOYD:

(SINGS) Oh, the moonlight's fair tonight along the Wabash--

GILDY:

(CAN'T HELP HIMSELF) Confound it, Floyd! Why Artie Welch?

FLOYD:

Thought you wanted to stay off that subject.

GILDY:

Well, I do, but when I see a man planning to vote wrong-- Er, Artie a customer of yours?

FLOYD:

Nope. Gets his hair cut over on State Street.

GILDY:

Well, then I should think you'd vote for Terwiliger. Why don't you?

FLOYD:

Terwiliger don't tip.

GILDY:

Terwiliger--? Floyd, that's no way to analyze public issues!

FLOYD:

Issues? That's somethin' else again. When it comes to foreign policy, I'm a regular H. V. Kaltenborn.

GILDY:

Oh, I'll get that on the radio. I don't see how you figure that a man like Welch is qualified to be mayor of this town. Terwiliger is a real administrator.

FLOYD:

Mr. Gildersleeve, if I was Terwiliger's water commissioner, I'd say the same.

GILDY:

That has nothing to do with it. Welch just doesn't measure up, that's all. How do you decide on a candidate anyway, Floyd -- just flip a coin?

FLOYD:

Now, Mr. Gildersleeve, I'm a pretty conscientious citizen. I got my own system of pickin' candidates and it's a pretty good one.

GILDY:

Yeah? What is it?

FLOYD:

(RELUCTANT) Well-- It involves the wife, Mr. Gildersleeve.

GILDY:

Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. That's fine. Good idea for a man and his wife to talk these things over.

FLOYD:

I guess you never met Mrs. Munson, did ya?

GILDY:

(CHUCKLES) Why, no, I never did. Why?

FLOYD:

Well, I don't like to knock her. She's okay, as women go. I never had any regrets particularly. 'Course, once in a while she might pass a remark that's a little uncalled for, but then I'm no angel. She knows that, too. ...

GILDY:

What's all this got to do with voting?

FLOYD:

Oh, I'm comin' to that. Like I say, the babe is okay most ways -- keeps the house clean, she don't throw money around, and she's a fair cook, if you like everything fried. ... But on politics-- Brother, they never shoulda give her the ballot.

GILDY:

Then why do you consult with her about your vote?!

FLOYD:

I don't. I just ask her how she's gonna vote and I vote the opposite. ...

GILDY:

(FED UP) Floyd, you're a political ignoramus!

FLOYD:

I ain't dumb enough to vote for Terwiliger.

GILDY:

(EXPLODES) Ohhhh, let me out of here!

FLOYD:

I thought you wanted a hot towel.

GILDY:

Let me out of here! Ye gods! Can't I go any place without having politics shoved down my throat?!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

WIND BLOWS ... GILDY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... SHOP DOOR OPENS WITH A WARM CHIME INSTEAD OF A RINGING BELL ... SHOP DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT WIND

PEAVEY:

Well, hello, Mr. Gildersleeve. ...

GILDY:

Peavey -- you're a reasonable man.

PEAVEY:

I try to be. ...

GILDY:

Let me sit here-- Let me sit here and get a little peace and quiet, will ya?

PEAVEY:

Certainly. Er, trouble at home, Mr. Gildersleeve? ...

GILDY:

Well, not exactly, Peavey. I was driven out of my house by a political argument, if you must know. I'm looking for a place where people don't argue with me about who's gonna beat whose brains out tomorrow.

PEAVEY:

Well, you're very welcome here. ...

GILDY:

Thank goodness for one man that doesn't give a hoot about politics.

PEAVEY:

Well, now, I wouldn't say that. ... I've got my opinions, Mr. Gildersleeve.

GILDY:

Yeah, well, just keep your opinions to yourself.

PEAVEY:

Oh, I do. I believe in the secret ballot. ...

GILDY:

Well, it's a great institution, the secret ballot, Peavey. Keystone of democracy. (BEAT, CAN'T HELP HIMSELF) Er, you voting for Terwiliger, Peavey?

PEAVEY:

(NONCOMMITTAL) Terwiliger's an excellent man. ...

GILDY:

You wouldn't vote for Welch, though, would you?

PEAVEY:

(NONCOMMITTAL) He's an excellent man. ...

GILDY:

Terwiliger is a fine administrator, though, Peavey. I like the fellows back of him, too. But who's back of Welch?!

PEAVEY:

I hear he has some very fine people supporting him.

GILDY:

Confound it, Peavey! To hear you talk, I'm beginning to think you're for Welch.

PEAVEY:

Well, I wouldn't say that. ...

GILDY:

You're for Terwiliger?

PEAVEY:

I wouldn't say that, either. ...

GILDY:

(EXASPERATED) There's only two people running for mayor, Peavey! Who are you for?!

PEAVEY:

(SIMPLY) I'm for the secret ballot.

GILDY:

(GRUMBLES) ... How can we discuss this sensibly if you won't tell me who you're for?!

PEAVEY:

Well, I prefer to listen to arguments for both candidates, Mr. Gildersleeve. So does Mrs. Peavey.

GILDY:

(INSISTENT) Well, there aren't any arguments for Welch, Peavey. People who vote for Welch are simply voting from blind prejudice!

PEAVEY:

(POLITE) Now, that's no argument, Mr. Gildersleeve.

GILDY:

Terwiliger is a fine man, he has a fine record. He's been a public servant for twenty years. I'm very happy to endorse him, personally.

PEAVEY:

Mm, coming from a water commissioner, that's no argument, either. ...

GILDY:

I resent that! Terwiliger has at no time attempted to influence my vote! What honesty! Why, that's an argument in itself!

PEAVEY:

You think so?

SOUND:

SHOP DOOR OPENS WITH A WARM CHIME ... JUDGE'S STEPS IN ... DOOR SHUTS BEHIND--

PEAVEY:

Well, here's Judge Hooker.

GILDY:

(DISMISSIVE) Ah, political spy. (TO JUDGE) What are you doing in here, you old goat?

JUDGE:

(MIMICS A GOAT) Baa-aaa-aaa-aaa! ... What are you doing? Trying to get Peavey to vote for your friend Terwiliger?

PEAVEY:

We were discussing the situation, pro and con.

JUDGE:

Well, Peavey, I'll give ya the lowdown. Mr. Gildersleeve made a bet with me. If Terwiliger loses, Gildy's got to push a peanut up State Street with his nose!

PEAVEY:

Say, now, that's something I'd like to see. Maybe I'll vote for Mr. Welch.

GILDY:

(EXPLODES) Ohhhhhhhh! ... Hooker, you're an unscrupulous campaigner!

JUDGE:

(LAUGHS LIKE A GOAT) Haa-aaa-aaa-aaa! ... Don't forget, Gildy -- all's fair in love and politics!

GILDY:

(GROANS)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

KNOCKING AT DOOR ... NO ANSWER, KNOCK AGAIN ... DOOR OPENS

GILDY:

(URGENT) Eve!

EVE:

(SURPRISE) Throckmorton!

GILDY:

Let me in, Eve! Let me in! They're after me!

EVE:

(PUZZLED) Who? I don't see any--

SOUND:

GILDY'S HURRIED STEPS IN ... DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY

GILDY:

There!

EVE:

(WORRIED) Who's after you?

GILDY:

(PLAYFUL) Hee hee hee! Nobody. Joke. ...

EVE:

(AMUSED) Oh, Throckmorton, you fool.

GILDY:

(LENGTHY DIRTY LAUGH) ... Whatcha doin', Eve?

EVE:

Oh, nothing, really. I just got home and I built a fire and I was going to make some tea and - just relax. Will you come in?

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS TO FIRE BEHIND--

GILDY:

Well, if you insist. (BEAT) Ah! (EXHALES) A crackling fire.

EVE:

Mm hm. Do you want to sit there and I'll--?

GILDY:

I know! Let's pull the sofa over, huh? Let's pull it up in front of the fire so we can--

EVE:

That's not a sofa, Throckmorton. It's a love seat.

GILDY:

(SLY) Who am I to argue? ... (GIGGLES)

SOUND:

LOVE SEAT STARTS TO MOVE

GILDY:

(QUICKLY) Oh, I'll do that, Eve.

EVE:

Oh, you can't handle it all alone.

GILDY:

No? You watch me! Nothing but a little-- (GRUNTS WITH VAIN EFFORT) Er, nothing but a little-- Mmmph! --love seat.

SOUND:

THUMP! OF LOVE SEAT FINALLY MOVED

GILDY:

There.

EVE:

You're wonderful. Now, you sit down and enjoy the fire while I go and--

GILDY:

(INTERRUPTS) Eve?

EVE:

I'll be right back. I'm just going to make the tea.

GILDY:

Oh, forget the tea.

EVE:

(BEAT) Well, if you don't want it.

GILDY:

That's the girl. Sit down.

EVE:

(SIGHS AS SHE SITS, THEN SIGHS DREAMILY AS SHE SNUGGLES IN) ... It's nice here, isn't it?

GILDY:

(ROMANTIC) Nice.

EVE:

(A WARNING) Now, Throckmorton! ... I seem to have to keep reminding you -- we're not engaged any more.

GILDY:

Well, there's no harm in holding a girl's hand, is there? Just a friendly gesture. Doesn't mean anything.

EVE:

Doesn't it?

GILDY:

Not a thing.

EVE:

Very well then. We agreed, you remember, that all that was over and done with.

GILDY:

(AGREES) Over and done with. (BEAT, SMOOTH TALKING BUILD-UP TO A KISS) Seriously, Eve -- you don't know what it means to me to be able to come here this afternoon and spend a few quiet moments with you -- far from the madding crowd, far from strife and strain. A man needs that.

EVE:

(SYMPATHETIC) I know.

GILDY:

A man needs a place he can come to. A refuge. So nice and quiet here. (MOVING IN) So warm, so friendly. And you're so understanding--

EVE:

(SHARP WARNING) Now, Throckmorton!

GILDY:

(GIVES UP) All right! We'll just hold hands. ... (HOPEFUL) Maybe later, though, huh? A little kiss? If I'm good?

EVE:

(NONCOMMITTAL) We'll see. (BEAT) You know what I like to do? I like to sit here in the afternoon with the radio on and listen to good music. Only there's so little good music on the radio these days. Nothing but politics.

GILDY:

(DISGRUNTLED) Yeah, that's all you hear any place.

EVE:

By the way, Throckmorton, I haven't asked you -- how are you voting?

GILDY:

(PLAYFUL) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now, Eve, I didn't come here to talk politics.

EVE:

But how are you voting? I'd like to know.

GILDY:

(CASUALLY) Well, I'm voting for Terwiliger for mayor, Apted for Congress, Lynch--

EVE:

(OUTRAGED) Terwil--? Terwiliger?! You're voting for Terwiliger?!

GILDY:

Well, I--

EVE:

Let go of my hand, Throckmorton!

GILDY:

Oh, but, Eve--!

EVE:

Let go!

GILDY:

(DESPERATE) Gosh, if it means so much to you, Eve, I'll vote for Welch! Only don't spoil everything.

EVE:

(INDIGNANT) I will not hold hands with a man whose political principles mean no more to him than that! Let go!

GILDY:

Oh, nuts! There goes the whole darn afternoon! Ye gods! I wish this election were over!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

The Great Gildersleeve will be with us again in just a few seconds. And, uh, speaking of seconds, everybody at your dinner table will pass their plates for seconds when you serve the new Kraft Dinner. I mean the new Kraft Dinner: delicious macaroni-and-cheese, fluffy light with real, satisfying cheese flavor through and through it. It's a delight to folks who hanker for cheese these days. And, of course, with Kraft Dinner, you make this marvelous macaroni-and-cheese in just seven minutes' cooking time. You see, each package of Kraft Dinner gives you the special macaroni that gets tender and light just in boiling water. Never any heavy starchy taste with Kraft Dinner macaroni. The box also gives you a big, generous packet of golden Kraft Grated. It puts really swell cheese flavor through and through that macaroni in a jiffy. So try the new Kraft Dinner tomorrow. You'd better get several packages so you'll have some on the pantry shelf, ready to cook really marvelous macaroni-and-cheese in just seven minutes.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Now let's return to Summerfield and The Great Gildersleeve. Comes the dawn of Tuesday, November seventh, and what a day for an election! Since early morning the rain has come down in torrents. Gildersleeve has spent a good part of the day standing at the front window waiting for the rain to let up and trying to summon up enough enterprise to go out in it. Now, in desperation, he goes to the phone and calls up Judge Hooker.

GILDY:

(INTO PHONE) Hello, Judge? -- Yeah, fine day for ducks. Look, Judge, I've been thinking. As long as the weather is so bad -- and you and I are going to vote on opposite sides anyway -- why don't we make a deal? If you don't go to the polls, I won't go to the polls -- and that way, we'll just cancel each other out. Yeh, how 'bout it? -- Great! No use getting wet for nothing. Okay, Judge -- consider your vote canceled. -- Yeah. (GIGGLES) Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GILDY:

(TO HIMSELF) If I don't watch out, I'm gonna be a genius! Why didn't I think of that before? Now I can go take a nap with a clear conscience.

MARJORIE:

(DISMAYED) You mean you're not gonna vote? You're not gonna vote at all?!

GILDY:

Well, I don't need to, my dear.

LEROY:

It may be better than voting for Terwiliger, at that.

GILDY:

The judge and I see just opposite on everything, so by staying away from the polls we merely cancel out each other's vote.

MARJORIE:

(ACCUSING) What if everybody in the country were as lazy as that?

GILDY:

(DEFENSIVE) Laziness has nothing to do with it. Plain common sense. You see what the weather's like. A man could catch cold out there. (COUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY) It's our duty in these times to-- ... Our duty in these times to guard our health. Besides I'm down to my last "A" ticket.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

BIRDIE:

Uh, 'scuse me if I go out the front way, Mr. Gildersleeve. There's a lake around the back stoop.

GILDY:

Oh? Where are you going, Birdie?

BIRDIE:

Goin' out to vote!

GILDY:

I told you, Birdie, if you wait a little while, it'll clear up.

BIRDIE:

I've waited all I can wait. I'm gonna get down there before they run out of ballots.

GILDY:

You don't have to worry about that, Birdie. They've got ballots enough for everybody.

BIRDIE:

I don't care. If I was to wait, maybe I'd get took with 'pendicitis or somethin' so I couldn't vote.

GILDY:

But if you go out, you'll get wet.

BIRDIE:

Oh, a little water never hurt nobody. Got my umbrella, got my galoshes, and I got my sample ballot.

GILDY:

Well, gosh, Birdie, I'd be glad to drive you down there, but I'm down to my last gas ticket. What's in the tank has gotta last me till the new ones come due.

BIRDIE:

Oh, that'll be all right, Mr. Gildersleeve. I don't mind.

GILDY:

Tell you what, Birdie. Why don't you and Lily Bee do what Judge Hooker and I are doin'? Just cancel out each other's vote.

BIRDIE:

No, Mr. Gildersleeve, you can't talk me out of it. My mind's made up. I got my candidates, and got my issues straight for once, and I'm ready! I gotta vote while the spirit's on me!

GILDY:

(CHUCKLES)

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS

BIRDIE:

Yes, suh! I'm exercisin' my franchise! Hallelujah!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES AS BIRDIE EXITS ...

GILDY:

Ah, she's a fine woman. Fine woman. (PAUSE) Well? What are you children staring at? (PAUSE) I'd've driven her down there, only I haven't got any gas. None to speak of. (PAUSE) Don't you see? If the judge doesn't vote and I don't vote, it comes out even; just the same. Doesn't it? (PAUSE) Marjorie, go upstairs and write a letter or something, will you? You make me nervous.

MARJORIE:

(MOVING UP STAIRS) I'm going, don't worry. Only wish I were twenty-one, that's all.

SOUND:

MARJORIE'S STEPS AWAY AND UP STAIRS

GILDY:

(PAUSE) ... Well, Leroy?

LEROY:

I didn't say anything.

GILDY:

I know; it's not like you! ... Go play in the cellar or something, will you? I'd like to be alone.

LEROY:

(EAGER) Can I use your saw?!

GILDY:

Anything, only don't stand around there watching me.

LEROY:

(MOVING OFF, EXCITED) Okay! I got an idea for a super machine gun!

SOUND:

LEROY'S HURRIED STEPS TO CELLAR DOOR, WHICH OPENS

GILDY:

(CALLS AFTER HIM) Don't saw any nails!

SOUND:

CELLAR DOOR CLOSES

GILDY:

(TO HIMSELF, MUSING) Yes, yes -- what a day. Rain, rain, rain. If it'd been a decent day, would have been different. Be glad to vote. Day like this, a man could catch cold.

SOUND:

LOUD SAWING OF WOOD ... CONTINUES IN BG

GILDY:

(TO HIMSELF, AFFECTIONATELY) Little Leroy.

SOUND:

UGLY SCRAPE OF SAW ON NAIL ... SAWING STOPS

GILDY:

(CALLS, UPSET) Leroy! ... (TO HIMSELF) That's the last time he uses my saw!

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

GILDY:

(TO HIMSELF) Uh, front door. Well, wonder who that is.

SOUND:

GILDY'S STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS ... WIND AND RAIN, IN BG

MORGAN:

Excuse me, do you [?]

GILDY:

Oh, yes. Come in, quickly!

MORGAN:

Yeah, I'll just wipe the feet.

GILDY:

Uh, hurry up, it's wet!

SOUND:

MORGAN ENTERS ... DOOR CLOSES, SHUTS OUT WIND AND RAIN

GILDY:

Oh! Heh heh! Those my pants?

MORGAN:

All cleaned and pressed. I cover with newspaper so it doesn't get wet.

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

GILDY:

Well, fine. Thank you. How much is that?

MORGAN:

Is seventy-five cents.

GILDY:

(FISHING IN POCKETS) Uh, see if I got it here. Quite a day, isn't it?

MORGAN:

Ah, it's a fine day.

GILDY: Huh?

MORGAN:

Well, a little rain, but who cares? Do you know something? Today I'm an American.

GILDY:

To--? Oh, you mean you're a citizen?

MORGAN:

Oh, I got my citizen papers eight months ago. But today for the first time I vote.

GILDY:

Oh.

MORGAN:

It's a great thing, you know, to vote.

GILDY:

(UNEASY) Er, yes, it is.

MORGAN:

Sure! In the country I come from, nobody votes. There, a man doesn't even open his mouth. And why? He's afraid. Here, nobody is afraid. He votes, so I vote.

GILDY:

Well, that's fine.

MORGAN:

Sure! Six o'clock this morning I vote. Maybe it rains a little. What do I care? They open the polls, I'm the first man in. The first man in Summerfield to vote. That's me -- Morgan.

GILDY:

Er, what'd you say your name was?

MORGAN:

Well, er, my real name, it's a little difficult -- Ngunin. [nuh-goo-nin] Who can say that? So I choose a nice American name. Morgan.

GILDY:

(TEASING) What was wrong with Rockefeller? ...

MORGAN:

(CONSIDERS THIS SERIOUSLY) Er, Rockefeller? Er, that's a little hard for some people to say, too. (SHRUGS, CHEERFUL AGAIN) What's the difference? My friends call me Leo, so that's how I vote. Leo Morgan. You know, I'm so excited. I walk in there and I say, "Good morning, I've come to vote." So they say, "Just a minute. What is your name?" Like I was a foreigner or something! So I say, "Leo Morgan! I'm a citizen!" So then they look in a big book -- and I'm gettin' worried. (WORRIED) Maybe they forgot me. Maybe I didn't do something I should. Oh, I'm so worried. And then what do you think? (EXCITED) I'm in the book!

GILDY:

(ALSO EXCITED) Great! ...

MORGAN:

Yeah! Me -- Morgan! Me -- Morgan -- I'm in the book. So I sign my name. (ENTHUSIASTIC) Eye-dee-dye-dee-dye! ... And the gentleman, he gives me a big ballot all my own and he takes me to a little, er-- Like a little room.

GILDY:

Er, a booth.

MORGAN:

That's right! A booth. All by myself. Nobody else. It's fine. The gentleman says to me, "Take your time." I say, "Thank you very much." And he pulls the curtain so I won't be bothered. Such privacy. I'm not used to it! At home, we used to sleep four in a room. ... So I'm all alone in there. (ENTHUSIASTIC) Eye-dee-dye-dee-dye! ... And I take my time and I look over my ballot -- and I vote. Maybe I didn't vote right, but I voted. (QUIET PRIDE) And whoever gets elected, that's my president.

GILDY:

(MOVED, WARMLY) Well, Morgan, by George -- you're all right.

MORGAN:

Sure, I'm all right. And I'll tell you another thing. This country is all right.

SOUND:

CELLAR DOOR OPENS

LEROY:

(APPROACHES) Hey, Unc!

GILDY:

Oh! Oh, Leroy. Er, come here, my boy. Do you know Mister, er, Morgan here?

LEROY:

Oh, hi!

MORGAN:

Your boy?

GILDY:

Er, he's my nephew.

MORGAN:

Fine boy. He'll be voting, too, one of these days, huh?

GILDY:

Er, yes, I suppose so.

MORGAN:

I got a son -- Gregory-- Er, Gregor. A little younger. He goes to school.

LEROY:

Gregory? I know him! He's in the Four-A. A little punk.

MORGAN:

(AMUSED) Yeah, a little punk!

LEROY:

Yeah, I know him!

MORGAN:

That's my Gregory! Well, I should be leaving. I talk too much.

GILDY:

Oh, not at all. Er, as a matter of fact, I'm very glad you dropped in, Mister, er--

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, THEIR STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, WHICH OPENS ... RAIN POURS DOWN

MORGAN:

(LAUGHS) Oh, I get so excited, I forget the pants! Here.

GILDY:

Oh-- (CHUCKLES) Yes. Thanks.

MORGAN:

Goodbye!

GILDY:

Er, goodbye!

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT RAIN ... DOOR LOCKS ... GILDY TAKES A STEP OR TWO

LEROY:

What's the matter, Unc?

GILDY:

Uh, nothing, Leroy. (BEAT) I wonder if you'd be good enough to run upstairs to my room and get my car keys.

LEROY:

Sure. Ya goin' some place, Unc?

GILDY:

Yes, Leroy. I'm gonna vote.

LEROY:

(PLEASED, EXCITED) Yeee-ikes! Can I go with ya?!

GILDY:

I don't see why not!

LEROY:

Hoooraaayyy--! (STOPS SHORT) Hey! Hey, wait! What about Judge Hooker?

GILDY:

Hooker? What about him?

LEROY:

Well, you made a deal, didn't ya? Are ya gonna tell the judge you're voting?

GILDY:

There's an old saying, Leroy, invented by Judge Hooker. Quote: "All's fair in love and politics." Unquote. (DIRTY LAUGH) ...

LEROY:

Ho ho! What a character!

GILDY:

(GIGGLES MISCHIEVOUSLY)

MUSIC:

QUICK BRISK BRIDGE

SOUND:

GILDY'S AUTO SQUEALS AS IT BRAKES TO A STOP IN THE RAIN ... HORN HONKS A FEW TIMES

GILDY:

(CALLS) Hey, Floyd! Close up the barber shop and get in the car! I'll take you to the polls!

FLOYD:

(OFF) I'm still votin' for Artie Welch, you know!

GILDY:

I don't care if you're voting for McKinley! Come on and vote!

MUSIC:

ANOTHER QUICK BRISK BRIDGE

GILDY:

Come on, fold up your umbrella, Peavey, and get in!

SOUND:

CAR DOOR SHUTS BEHIND--

PEAVEY:

Thank you, Mr. Gildersleeve. By the way. I'm voting for--

GILDY:

(INTERRUPTS) I don't care, Peavey! This is a nonpartisan patriotic bus service! Here we go!

SOUND:

AUTO IN GEAR ... RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR

GILDY:

(SINGS) Put on your old grey bonnet--

SOUND:

FLOYD AND PEAVEY JOIN GILDY IN SONG--

ALL THREE:

(SING)
--with the blue ribbon on it
And we'll hitch old Dobbin to the shay!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... COMPLETES "PUT ON YOUR OLD GREY BONNET"

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF PAPER BALLOT BEHIND--

GILDY:

Well, here's my ballot, Mrs. Farquhar. Do, uh, I have to fold it?

MRS. F:

Yes, Mr. Gildersleeve. Right up to the dotted line.

GILDY:

Oh, yes. Well, thank you. (BEAT, PLEASED) Well, I feel like a citizen. (CONFIDENTIALLY) Er, you know, Mrs. F., I pulled a fast one on Judge Hooker. He and I were gonna vote opposite ways, so I made a deal with him that neither of us would vote.

MRS. F:

Oh, you shouldn't do that. No good citizen would.

GILDY:

I know that, Mrs. Farquhar, but all's fair in love and politics. Besides, if I'm patriotic and the judge isn't-- Well, it's just too bad.

MRS. F:

(POINTEDLY) Don't worry about the judge's patriotism. He voted at nine o'clock this morning.

GILDY:

(EXPLODES) Ohhhhhh! Phhhhhht! Why, that double-crosser! He isn't patriotic! He's just a crook!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

SEGUES TO TRANSITION ... THEN OUT

GILDY:

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the returns aren't in yet. I may have to push a peanut up State Street with my nose. (CHUCKLES) But at least I voted. You know, there are people in this world who haven't the chance to vote. They know that privilege and they know what it's worth. Here in this country, we're inclined to take it for granted. But now that the Japs and the Germans are trying to take that right away from us, look at how this country's willing to fight for it. Well, if it's worth fighting for, it's worth going to the polls for. Get out and vote on Tuesday and don't let anything stop you. Good night.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN IN BG

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Music on this program was directed by Claude Sweeten. This is Ken Carpenter speaking for the Kraft Cheese Company, makers of Parkay Margarine and a complete line of famous quality food products. Kraft invites you to listen in again next week at this same time for the further adventures of The Great Gildersleeve!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... OUT WITH TRANSITION--

MUSIC:

UP, FOR TAG ... TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG

2ND ANNCR:

And now here's special news about a wonderfully nourishing cheese food the whole family loves -- a cheese food you can serve in a hundred or more tempting ways. It's Pabst-ett! Yes, Pabst-ett, the delicious golden cheese food. Look for it in the familiar round, flat package. Pabst-ett spreads like butter at room temperature, slices neatly when chilled, melts with luscious smoothness into an appetizing sauce you pour over macaroni, hot vegetables, chicken, and fish. Pabst-ett spreads and toasts to perfection, makes grand sandwiches and snacks, and it's also swell for dessert. Try Pabst-ett melted on apple pie -- it's delicious! To all those mealtime-lunchtime treats, Pabst-ett adds its nourishing goodness of food energy, milk protein, milk minerals, vitamin A, and vitamin G, also called riboflavin. Tomorrow, buy Pabst-ett, the delicious golden cheese food. "Don't forget / You ask for Pabst-ett!"

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT WITH--

NBC ANNCR:

This is the National Broadcasting Company.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES