MUSIC:

INTRODUCTORY FLOURISH

ANNOUNCER:

Cathy and Elliott Lewis, On Stage.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Cathy Lewis, Elliott Lewis -- two of the most distinguished names in radio appearing each week in their own theater, starring in a repertory of transcribed stories of their own and your choosing. Radio's foremost players in radio's foremost plays.

MUSIC:

UP AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen, Elliott Lewis.

ELLIOTT:

Good evening. May I present my wife, Cathy?

CATHY:

Good evening.

ELLIOTT:

During this series, "On Stage," we haven't done a classic.

CATHY:

Until tonight.

ELLIOTT:

We've done a Henry James story; a novel by Leonard Merrick; "East Lynne," and "Our American Cousin." But we haven't done what we've all learned to consider a classic.

CATHY:

Until tonight.

ELLIOTT:

(AGREES, WITH A CHUCKLE) Until tonight.

CATHY:

Because tonight you are going to hear "Candide, or The Optimist" by Voltaire, and that's a real honest-to-goodness classic.

ELLIOTT:

And to tell you the story we have a guest. His name is Larry Thor. So first Fred Steiner and then Larry Thor, to tell you the story of "Candide."

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

It happened a long time ago, in Germany. In the castle of Baron Thunder-ten-Tronckh lived a youth endowed with the most gentle character. He was honest by instinct and very simpleminded -- which accounted for his being named Candide. The baron was very rich and powerful. The baroness weighed three hundred and fifty pounds and therefore was very respected. The baron's daughter, Cunegonde, was young, well-formed, and very beautiful. It was only natural for Candide to fall in love with Mademoiselle Cunegonde, but because of his character he was never bold enough to tell her so. The most intelligent person in the castle was Dr. Pangloss, the tutor. Candide listened to his teachings with reverence and respect

PANGLOSS:

Everything is made for an end. Since this is the best of all possible worlds, everything is made for the best end. Is that clear, Mademoiselle Cunegonde?

CUNEGONDE:

Yes, Dr. Pangloss. Very clear.

PANGLOSS:

Is it clear, Candide?

CANDIDE:

It's stupid of me, but not exactly, sir.

PANGLOSS:

Well, then observe.

MUSIC:

GENTLY MOCKING BEHIND PANGLOSS--

PANGLOSS:

Noses were made to wear spectacles, and so we have spectacles. Legs are made to need clothing, and so we have breeches. And as pigs were made to be eaten, we have pork all year 'round. Consequently, those who say, "All is well," talk nonsense. What they should say is, "All is for the best." Now do you see?

CANDIDE:

Yes, it's all clear now, sir. Thank you.

MUSIC:

BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

Candide was happy and, in his innocent way, considered himself extremely fortunate. He had a roof over his head, he could see Mademoiselle Cunegonde every day, and he was taught by Dr. Pangloss, the greatest philosopher in the province and therefore the whole world. But it was not to last.

MUSIC:

ACCENT ... OUT BEHIND--

NARRATOR:

One day Cunegonde was walking in the garden.

SOUND:

GARDEN BACKGROUND ... BIRDS CHIRP, ET CETERA

CUNEGONDE:

What a lovely day. It's good to be alive.

NARRATOR:

She felt very aware, and for the first time in her life noticed the birds and the bees.

CUNEGONDE:

How lovely they are. I wonder what attracts them to the flowers. It's scientific, I suppose. Candide might know. I'll ask him, after supper.

NARRATOR:

After supper, Cunegonde found herself alone with Candide.

CUNEGONDE:

(LOVINGLY) Candide?

CANDIDE:

(EAGERLY) Yes, Mademoiselle Cunegonde? Do you wish to speak to me?

CUNEGONDE:

Yes, I-- Well, you see, I--

CANDIDE:

You've dropped your handkerchief.

CUNEGONDE:

You may pick it up if you like. (BEAT) Thank you. You may kiss my hand if you like.

CANDIDE:

(INCREASINGLY PASSIONATE) Cunegonde--

CUNEGONDE:

(BEAT, FOR KISS) How nice. You kissed my hand just like a bird at a flower. Do it again.

CANDIDE:

Cunegonde--

CUNEGONDE:

You may kiss me on the lips, too.

CANDIDE:

Cunegonde--

SOUND:

PAUSE AS THEY KISS ... GARDEN DOOR OPENS

CUNEGONDE:

(GASPS) Father!

CANDIDE:

(SURPRISED) My Lord, the baron!

SOUND:

GARDEN DOOR SHUTS

CUNEGONDE:

(NERVOUS) I was just asking Candide a question, father.

CANDIDE:

In all innocence, My Lord, I was just--

SOUND:

NOISY SCUFFLE AS BARON DRAGS CANDIDE AWAY

CANDIDE:

(STRUGGLES) Please, My Lord, I was only-- Please! Don't throw me out, I beg of you!

SOUND:

CANDIDE THROWN OUT OF GARDEN, DOOR SLAMMED SHUT ... GARDEN BACKGROUND FILLS PAUSE

MUSIC:

MELANCHOLY ... IN BG

CANDIDE:

(MILDLY MELODRAMATIC) Oh, Cunegonde, I am parted from you. Expelled from Paradise. What will become of me?

SOUND:

CANDIDE RISES AND WALKS, IN AGREEMENT WITH--

NARRATOR:

Candide picked himself up, then started walking. He wandered aimlessly until the next morning, shivering and penniless, he came to an inn.

SOUND:

INN DOOR OPENS ... CANDIDE'S STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--

NARRATOR:

Two soldiers dressed in blue noticed him and asked him to have something to eat.

MUSIC:

OUT

SOUND:

CANDIDE SITS, CHAIR SCRAPES BEHIND--

CANDIDE:

Gentlemen, I am honored, but I have no money to pay.

SOLDIER:

(GLAD-HANDING) Ah, sir, persons of your merit never pay anything. Are you not a well-built young man over five feet tall?

CANDIDE:

Five feet ten.

SOLDIER:

Perfect! We'd never let a man like you be short of money. Men were made to help each other.

CANDIDE:

Yes, that is what Dr. Pangloss was always telling me. I see that everything is for the best.

SOLDIER:

Of course. Tell me, do you love?

CANDIDE:

Oh, yes. I love Mademoiselle Cunegonde.

SOLDIER:

No, no. What I mean is -- do you love the King of the Bulgarians?

CANDIDE:

(APOLOGETIC) Not a bit. I've never seen him.

SOLDIER:

Why, he's the most charming of kings! You must drink his health!

CANDIDE:

Oh, gladly.

SOUND:

BOTTLE

CANDIDE:

(DRINKS, EXHALES CONTENTEDLY)

SOLDIER:

That's enough. (CALLS) Bring out the leg-irons, Corporal.

SOUND:

LEG-IRONS

CANDIDE:

What? What are you doing?

SOLDIER:

You are now the defender, the hero of the Bulgarians. You are now in the army with your fortune and glory assured!

MUSIC:

MILITARY SNARE DRUM ROLL

SOLDIER:

Attention! March! Hut, two, three, four! Hut, two, three, four!

MUSIC:

DURING ABOVE, FADE IN BRIEF MARCH ... THEN OUT BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

The two soldiers took Candide to a regiment. He was taught to drill. To shoot.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF HAMMERS COCKED ... VOLLEY OF RIFLE FIRE

NARRATOR:

And given thirty strokes with a stick. The next day he did better--

SOUND:

ANOTHER VOLLEY OF RIFLE FIRE

NARRATOR:

--and was given only twenty strokes. On the third day, the King of the Bulgarians went to war with the King of the Abares.

MUSIC:

FOR GOING TO WAR ... TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

Candide couldn't quite understand how he happened to be in the middle of it, so he decided to go elsewhere. He left the war and headed for Holland, where he arrived starving and in rags. A kind merchant, observing the plight of a fellow creature, took him in, cleaned him up, and fed him -- even offered to teach him how to make Persian jewelry, which is made in Holland. A month later he met a beggar covered with sores and dirt.

PANGLOSS:

Alms! Just a pence, sir. That's all. Just a penny.

CANDIDE:

Here you are, my good man.

PANGLOSS:

Thank you, sir. Wait! It can't be! Candide?

CANDIDE:

Yes? That is my name.

PANGLOSS:

Don't you recognize me?

CANDIDE:

(ASTONISHED) Dr. Pangloss! You -- my dear master -- in this horrible state. What's happened to you?

PANGLOSS:

Tragedy, my boy. Exhausting physical tragedy. In fact, your face is the first happy sight I've seen since the castle was destroyed.

CANDIDE:

The castle destroyed?!

PANGLOSS:

Utterly. The Bulgarians came. Not a stone left standing. Not even a chicken left alive.

CANDIDE:

And Mademoiselle Cunegonde?

PANGLOSS:

Cunegonde? The pearl of young ladies. That masterpiece of nature. She's dead.

CANDIDE:

Dead?

PANGLOSS:

Speared by one of the soldiers. They broke the baron's head when he tried to defend her, sliced up the baroness, and skewered the baron's son.

CANDIDE:

(MILDLY MELODRAMATIC) Cunegonde dead? Best of all worlds, where are you?

PANGLOSS:

They left me alone only because I have the pox. No one will have anything to do with me. Oh, I'm almost dead myself.

CANDIDE:

Not when we've just found each other. You must be cured.

PANGLOSS:

How can I? I haven't a sou.

CANDIDE:

I will take you to my benefactor -- a good, kind merchant -- and tell him everything. He cannot help but have compassion for you as he did for me.

PANGLOSS:

Such people still exist? I can't believe it.

CANDIDE:

Come, I will show you.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG--

NARRATOR:

And within the hour, Dr. Pangloss learned one such person did exist. The good, kind merchant paid for a cure out of his own pocket. Dr. Pangloss explained to Candide how these amazing events proved his philosophy.

PANGLOSS:

If I had not had the pox, the soldiers would have killed me and [I'd have] never been begging on the streets where you found me, which resulted in my cure. Therefore if one catches the pox, it can only be for the best.

NARRATOR:

Some weeks later, the merchant found it necessary to go to Lisbon on business and took his two philosophers with him. Just as they stepped off the boat, the earth began to tremble under their feet--

MUSIC:

OUT FOR--

SOUND:

RUMBLE! OF EARTHQUAKE

NARRATOR:

--a tidal wave smashed all the ships--

SOUND:

WHOOSH! OF TIDAL WAVE

NARRATOR:

--and the houses crashed in the streets.

SOUND:

CRASH! OF COLLAPSING HOUSES

CANDIDE:

Look out! Look out! (PAUSE) Pangloss! Our benefactor!

PANGLOSS:

(SHOCKED) Completely buried under that house.

CANDIDE:

But why? How could it be for the best? There was not another man like him.

PANGLOSS:

(MUSES) It can only be that -- he was just too good to live. He will never be tempted to do a wrong thing. So he will remain good forever. Not many of us are that fortunate. Come! We must search for food.

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS THROUGH DEBRIS ... THEN IN BG, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

CANDIDE:

There seems to be a light over there. (CALLS) Hello?!

OFFICIAL:

(OFF) Hello! Do you need help?

PANGLOSS:

Have you any food?

OFFICIAL:

(OFF) We're serving soup and bread. (CLOSER) Just room for two more. This way, gentlemen.

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS THROUGH DEBRIS TO TABLE

CANDIDE:

We thank you very kindly.

SOUND:

CHAIR SCRAPES

PANGLOSS:

(PLEASED AND IMPRESSED) Ahhhh! Smells delicious.

OFFICIAL:

Compliments of the city officials! (DISAPPROVING EXHALATION) A terrible disaster.

CANDIDE:

Yes. Our benefactor was killed almost immediately.

OFFICIAL:

Ah, my sympathy. This horror can only be the work of the devil. Something must be done. The survivors are in an ugly mood.

PANGLOSS:

If they understood philosophy, it'd be clear to them that all this is for the best.

OFFICIAL:

(SURPRISED) Oh?

CANDIDE:

Dr. Pangloss is the greatest philosopher in the world, sir. I am his disciple.

OFFICIAL:

Oh? Then you must be strangers to our city. You don't believe our disaster to be evil?

PANGLOSS:

(AIRILY) Begging your Excellency's pardon, but not in this case. It is impossible for things not to happen [the] way they do. Therefore all happenings must be accepted for the best.

OFFICIAL:

(DEEPLY OFFENDED) Uh huh. But then you wouldn't agree that a public hanging is the only preventative for earthquakes?

CANDIDE:

Public hanging?

OFFICIAL:

With all the frills and ceremony, of course.

CANDIDE:

I don't quite see how it would serve any purpose except to take the people's minds off their own misery for a while.

OFFICIAL:

Precisely. Especially if those who are hanged happened to be strangers of no local importance.

CANDIDE:

You're planning such a spectacle?

OFFICIAL:

Precisely.

PANGLOSS:

When will it take place?

OFFICIAL:

Almost immediately. (YELLS) Guards!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG--

NARRATOR:

In almost no time, Candide and Pangloss were shackled together and marched outside. A procession was formed with a few musicians at the head and they marched off to the public square. A gibbet had already been erected and the waiting crowd greeted the strangers warmly.

SOUND:

CROWD ROARS APPROVAL ... THEN QUIETS FOR--

NARRATOR:

It was all according to custom and very colorful.

CANDIDE:

I can't believe this is happening. It must be a bad dream!

MUSIC:

OUT GENTLY BEHIND--

PANGLOSS:

Courage, my boy.

CANDIDE:

Farewell, Pangloss!

SOUND:

TRAP DOOR SPRINGS AS PANGLOSS IS HANGED ... CROWD CHEERS AS SLOW RUMBLE OF EARTHQUAKE BUILDS IN BG--

OFFICIAL:

Another earthquake!

NARRATOR:

It was pure providence. The crowd panicked and ran.

SOUND:

CRASH! OF FALLING STONES ... ALL NOISE OUT ABRUPTLY

NARRATOR:

Candide was struck by some falling stones and -- terrified, bewildered, and bleeding -- he crawled away.

OLD WOMAN:

Young man?

CANDIDE:

What? Old woman, what is it?

OLD WOMAN:

Courage, my son. Follow me.

CANDIDE:

I'm too weak.

OLD WOMAN:

Lean on me.

CANDIDE:

Who are you? Why are you so kind?

OLD WOMAN:

Just come along and don't speak a word.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

OLD WOMAN:

Your new suit of clothes fits quite well. I had to guess at the size.

CANDIDE:

Please tell me -- whose house am I in? Who has inspired you with so much kindness?

OLD WOMAN:

Now that you're presentable, you shall see.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

CANDIDE:

(ASTONISHED) Cunegonde!

CUNEGONDE:

(LOVINGLY) Candide--

CANDIDE:

It's impossible. This time I am dreaming.

CUNEGONDE:

No. It is I.

CANDIDE:

But Pangloss assured me that you had been--

CUNEGONDE:

Speared? Yes. But a spearing is not always fatal.

CANDIDE:

It's a miracle. Tell me.

CUNEGONDE:

When the soldiers came to the castle, one of them found me and took me as his prisoner. I did his shirts and cooking. Then he lost all his money and got tired of me and I was sold to a marriage broker who brought me here.

CANDIDE:

How terrible for you.

CUNEGONDE:

One day the Chief Official of the city noticed me and asked for my hand.

CANDIDE:

You're married?

CUNEGONDE:

No. Since the marriage broker has gone to some expense to show me off, they're still bargaining, thank heaven.

CANDIDE:

Thank heaven. But how did you find me?

CUNEGONDE:

The Chief Official invited me to the ceremony. I had an excellent seat. When I saw that you and Dr. Pangloss were the strangers, I couldn't believe it. And when our teacher was-- (CAN'T BRING HERSELF TO SAY IT)

CANDIDE:

Yes. Terrible.

CUNEGONDE:

Dear sweet Candide.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS, OFF

OFFICIAL:

(OFF) A-ha!

CUNEGONDE:

(GASPS) My heavens! It's the Chief Official!

SOUND:

OFFICIAL'S STEPS APPROACH

OFFICIAL:

(APPROACHES) While I bargain for your hand, this is what goes on behind my back, is it?

SOUND:

SWORD UNSHEATHED

OFFICIAL:

(TO CANDIDE) Don't move, you scoundrel!

CUNEGONDE:

Flee, Candide! Run!

CANDIDE:

Stand behind me, Cunegonde!

OFFICIAL:

Oho! So you think you can fight, huh?

SOUND:

BRIEF SWORD FIGHT ... THE MEN EXCLAIM AND GRUNT WITH EFFORT UNTIL OFFICIAL IS RUN THROUGH, DROPS HIS SWORD, AND COLLAPSES TO FLOOR

CUNEGONDE:

(STUNNED) Candide -- you've killed him. You, who were always so mild.

CANDIDE:

My dear Cunegonde, when a man is in love, jealous, and almost been hung to prevent earthquakes, there is a tendency to lose one's temper.

CUNEGONDE:

But he is the Chief Official. If the police come, we're lost.

OLD WOMAN:

If you don't mind my suggesting, there are three horses in the stable. We could ride to the nearest seaport and take ship for another country.

CANDIDE:

That's wonderful! We'd better hurry.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG--

NARRATOR:

They rode thirty miles to the nearest seaport and found a ship that was leaving for the New World. Soldiers were needed for one of the garrisons
in South America, so Candide went through the Bulgarian drill for the general and was made a captain on the spot. The three went on board, and the ship sailed.

SOUND:

SHIP BACKGROUND ... CREAK OF WOOD, HARSH WIND BLOWS, ET CETERA

CANDIDE:

We are going to a new world, my Cunegonde.

CUNEGONDE:

I look forward to it, though one might lament a little over the happenings in our own world.

CANDIDE:

I was beginning to believe Pangloss lied to us when he said everything is for the best. It must be the new one that is the best of all possible worlds.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR FIRST ACT CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

You are listening to "Cathy and Elliott Lewis, On Stage." Tonight's play: "Candide."

Tonight, making radio history, CBS Radio presents a broadcast direct from the nation's capital. President Dwight D. Eisenhower will be heard addressing his news conference in Washington, D. C., with CBS Radio's White House correspondent George Herman introducing this historic special event. To make this presidential news conference broadcast possible, CBS Radio has canceled tonight's episode of "Rogers of the Gazette," starring Will Rogers, Jr.

MUSIC:

SECOND ACT INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

The voyage to the New World was without incident or mishap. The sea air was very invigorating, and Candide, Cunegonde, and the old woman landed in South America much refreshed. Following the custom, they went to call on the royal governor, Don Fernando, y Figueora, y Lampourdos, y Souza, a man with an appreciation for the finer things in life -- including women.

GOVERNOR:

(WITH BARELY CONCEALED LUST) Charming. Oh, yes. Fair Mademoiselle, er--? What was it?

CUNEGONDE:

Mademoiselle Cunegonde, Your Excellency.

GOVERNOR:

Cunegonde -- yes, indeed. Married?

CANDIDE:

(BRIGHTLY) Er, Mademoiselle Cunegonde has done me the honor of accepting my proposal, Your Excellency. It would be a double honor to have you present at the wedding.

GOVERNOR:

(UNHAPPY) Yes. You're a captain, aren't you, young man? I have some troops outside. How would you like to inspect them?

CANDIDE:

I'd be very happy to, Your Excellency. This afternoon?

GOVERNOR:

Now. You go out that door there.

CANDIDE:

That door? Yes, sir.

SOUND:

CANDIDE'S STEPS TO DOOR

CANDIDE:

(OFF) Thank you, sir.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS CANDIDE EXITS

GOVERNOR:

(BEAT, LOW) Mademoiselle?

CUNEGONDE:

(BEAT) Your Excellency?

GOVERNOR:

For some reason, I find myself very interested in your welfare.

CUNEGONDE:

You are, sir?

GOVERNOR:

A woman of your charm and perfection most certainly should be married, but not to a captain, my dear. What you need is a man of position who can do things for you.

CUNEGONDE:

Yes, Your Excellency. But, you see--

GOVERNOR:

(GENTLE REMONSTRATION) Uh uh uh. It isn't polite to interrupt governors.

CUNEGONDE:

Excuse me.

GOVERNOR:

Yes. Fortunately for you, I am unmarried at the present time and, for your benefit, I'm willing to marry you myself.

CUNEGONDE:

That's very kind of you. Er, could I be allowed a few moments to discuss your considerations for me with the old woman who came with us?

GOVERNOR:

Of course. I wouldn't think of rushing you. Take all the time you like. Fifteen minutes.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

Cunegonde went quickly to the old woman and started to tell her of the governor's kindness. The old woman could hardly wait for her to finish.

OLD WOMAN:

Excellent, Mademoiselle. It solves the very awkward situation of which I have just learned. We have been followed here to the New World.

CUNEGONDE:

Followed?

OLD WOMAN:

Yes, by the authorities. Their ship just arrived. They are looking for the persons responsible for the death of the Chief Official.

CUNEGONDE:

Good heavens, then we must all flee.

OLD WOMAN:

There is no need with the governor in love with you. He's the most powerful man in South America. They wouldn't dare touch you.

CUNEGONDE:

But Candide-- The governor won't save him. I must run and warn him quickly.

OLD WOMAN:

Your fifteen minutes are almost up. You run back to the governor. I will warn Captain Candide.

MUSIC:

BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

The old woman ran to Candide and warned him. There was not a moment to lose. Candide rushed to find his manservant, who had been hired just before they left Europe. His name was Cacambo and he was just the man for such an occasion -- experienced, well-traveled -- and he loved his master because he knew Candide to be a good man.

SOUND:

TWO HORSES' HOOFBEATS ... THEN IN BG

CANDIDE:

Where are you taking me? Where are we going?

CACAMBO:

To the back country.

SOUND:

DISTANT GUNFIRE

CACAMBO:

They are shooting! Ride, master! Ride!

SOUND:

HURRIED HOOFBEATS ... UP AND OUT

NARRATOR:

Candide had never ridden so fast in his life. They flew -- until the road came to an end in the jungle. The horses collapsed with fatigue, so they went on foot, living on wild fruit and wandering deeper and deeper, until they came to a little river. There, they built a canoe.

SOUND:

RUNNING RIVER BACKGROUND

NARRATOR:

Then they drifted, watching the river get wider and wider. Finally, it disappeared under an arch of towering rocks.

SOUND:

ECHO OF UNDERGROUND RIVER ... UP BRIEFLY ... THEN RESUME NORMAL RIVER AGAIN IN BG

NARRATOR:

When they saw daylight again, they were in a country surrounded by giant mountains. It was very beautiful.

SOUND:

RIVER OUT

NARRATOR:

Candide and Cacambo landed at the first village, where they saw some children at play.

SOUND:

NOISY CHILDREN BACKGROUND

CANDIDE:

What are those children playing with? Those red, green, and yellow stones that sparkle so?

CACAMBO:

Here are some on the ground, master.

CANDIDE:

Look! Gold.

CACAMBO:

Emeralds.

CANDIDE:

Rubies.

CACAMBO:

All over the place.

CANDIDE:

This country is much better than Westphalia. But where are we? What country can this be?

CACAMBO:

There is a house. Maybe there is someone who can tell us.

SOUND:

NOISY CHILDREN OUT WITH--

NARRATOR:

It was one of the plainer houses. The paneling was only gold, studded with rubies, but done with taste, which atoned for the simplicity. An old man welcomed them and began to talk.

OLD MAN:

This kingdom is the ancient country of the Incas. Since we are surrounded by impassable mountains, we know little of the outside world. That is why we live so simply.

CANDIDE:

Well, yes, that's very understandable, sir.

OLD MAN:

The Spaniards have a vague knowledge of us. They call our country El Dorado. I believe it means "place of great wealth." (LAUGHS) Ridiculous, isn't it? (LAUGHS)

CANDIDE:

(LAUGHS) Very, sir.

OLD MAN:

A simple life is the best. That's why we are all very happy. We have no jails because there is nothing to steal. No mad people because there is nothing to drive us crazy. So, you see, we are no different than anyone else. I hope I'm not boring you.

CANDIDE:

Oh, no, sir. Please go on.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

When they had finished their conversation, the old man made arrangements for the two travelers to be received at court. A carriage arrived, drawn by six red sheep. They all got in and rode off to the capital.

MUSIC:

UP GRANDLY, FOR A TRIP TO THE CAPITAL OF EL DORADO ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

The city was magnificent. Everything was beautiful and useful, and everyone smiled. The king greeted them with hospitality beyond belief. At the end of the month, Candide had a talk with Cacambo. They sat by a pool of twenty-year-old brandy and dropped diamonds into it, watching the circles they made.

SOUND:

OCCASIONAL PLOP OF DIAMOND INTO BRANDY POOL, IN BG

CANDIDE:

Cacambo?

CACAMBO:

Yes, master?

CANDIDE:

This is all very pleasant, but Cunegonde is not here. Isn't there someone you love?

CACAMBO:

There's a girl in Europe.

CANDIDE:

If we return to our own world with only six sheep laden with these pebbles, we'd be richer than all the kings put together. We'd have nothing to fear.

CACAMBO:

Yes. I never thought of that.

CANDIDE:

And we could easily regain Mademoiselle Cunegonde.

CACAMBO:

Then let's do it. Let us go ask the old man to ask the king if we may go.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

There were no laws against foreigners leaving and the king agreed to give them the sheep loaded with pebbles and yellow mud. They could not go out the way they came in, so the scientists were ordered to invent a machine to carry them over the mountains. It was a hard journey and four sheep were lost with their heavy burdens. Even so, they still had plenty when they got to the nearest town.

SOUND:

BLEATING SHEEP, IN BG

CACAMBO:

There is the town, master. We are at the end of our troubles and the beginning of happiness.

CANDIDE:

This is what you must do since I am still wanted for killing the Chief Official in self-defense.

CACAMBO:

Yes, master?

CANDIDE:

You are more clever than I, so you go to the governor. We each have five or six millions in diamonds. Offer him a million for Cunegonde. If he is obstinate, two. I will take ship for Venice. There is nothing to fear there. I will wait for you to bring Cunegonde.

CACAMBO:

That is an excellent plan.

CANDIDE:

We will part here. (POINTEDLY) I trust you, Cacambo.

CACAMBO:

Do not fear, master. I will join you in Venice.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

Candide sold a few El Dorado pebbles and bought a ship to take him to Venice. On the way, they were attacked by pirates and all of his treasure, except a handful of diamonds, was lost. At last, he arrived in Venice and spent every day waiting at the docks. Three months went by. Then one night while Candide was having his dinner, a man with a face of soot came up from behind and leaned down.

CACAMBO:

(LOW) Get ready to come with us. Do not fail.

CANDIDE:

(CONFUSED, LOW) What? (UP, RECOGNITION) Cacambo! Where is Cunegonde? Take me to her.

CACAMBO:

Sh! Cunegonde is not here. She's in Constantinople.

CANDIDE:

Constantinople? Does she still love me? How is she?

CACAMBO:

She is the slave of a prince, master. She works in his kitchen, and she has lost her beauty.

CANDIDE:

Beautiful or ugly, I shall always love her. But how did this happen? You had six millions.

CACAMBO:

Ah, but did I not give two to the governor? And a pirate ship stripped me of the rest. These pirates sold Cunegonde and the old woman to the prince. And me, I am the slave of a dethroned sultan.

CANDIDE:

What a chain of calamity! But I have a few diamonds left. I will buy you both.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--

NARRATOR:

Candide paid a high ransom for Cacambo and they went on board a Turkish galley. As they went toward Constantinople, one of the galley slaves caught Candide's eye.

SOUND:

SHIP BACKGROUND

CANDIDE:

(TO HIMSELF) If I hadn't seen him hanged, I'd swear that was Pangloss.

PANGLOSS:

(OFF) Candide!

CANDIDE:

It is Pangloss!

PANGLOSS:

(CLOSER) Candide, my boy!

CANDIDE:

My dear teacher! But I saw you hanged.

PANGLOSS:

The rope was wet, my boy. It wasn't a good job of hanging. I've been through worse since I became a galley slave.

CANDIDE:

I will ransom you immediately! What fortune to find you. We are going to get Cunegonde, too, dear Pangloss. She's alive!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG--

NARRATOR:

After ransoming Pangloss, there was just enough left to buy Cunegonde and the old woman from the prince. Cunegonde was indeed quite ugly. In fact, Candide could hardly look at her.

CUNEGONDE:

(LOVINGLY) Candide-- Candide, my love.

NARRATOR:

But since he was a man of honor, he married her. And they all settled down on a little farm bought with the last diamond. It is natural to suppose they all lived happily ever after. But Cunegonde grew uglier every day. The old woman was ailing and bad-tempered. Cacambo complained of being worked too hard. And Pangloss claimed he should be teaching in a university.

CANDIDE:

My boy, all events are linked up for the best.

PANGLOSS:

(MILDLY EXASPERATED) Please, Pangloss, we've got to work our fields.

PANGLOSS:

Yes, but don't you realize, if you had not been kicked out of the castle, almost hung -- to prevent earthquakes, and had not traveled to the New World and found El Dorado, we would not be eating candied citrons and pistachios, hm?

CANDIDE:

(NOT TOO HAPPY) Yes.

PANGLOSS:

Well? Haven't you learned?

CANDIDE:

I have learned we must work to make this the best of all possible worlds. Let us grow something good in our fields.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

"Candide," starring Cathy and Elliott Lewis, On Stage. In a moment, Mr. and Mrs. Lewis will tell you about next week's play.

The Graves family is having grandmother for Christmas, but it's a surprise to them until tomorrow night when Granny shows up on CBS Radio's "Junior Miss," starring Barbara Whiting. Also tomorrow evening over most of these same stations, there's pre-Christmas buffoonery when you "Meet Millie." Elena Verdugo and the rest of the "Millie" gang will be doing their Christmas showstopping early, tomorrow night at the Stars' Address.

And now, once again, Cathy and Elliott Lewis.

MUSIC:

BRIEF BRIDGE, THEN OUT

ELLIOTT:

That was Richard Chandlee's free translation of Voltaire's "Candide, or The Optimist."

CATHY:

Larry Thor told you the story--

ELLIOTT:

--which included sage advice from Pangloss, who was Howard McNear.

CATHY:

Candide got into the army when he had a drink with a soldier, who was Jack Kruschen.

ELLIOTT:

His troubles multiplied when he met an official, who was Ben Wright.

CATHY:

And he found his love again through the old woman, who was Martha Wentworth.

ELLIOTT:

Trouble reappeared when he met the governor of El Dorado, who was Edgar Barrier.

CATHY:

But his good right hand, Cacambo, stayed with him until the end, and was Byron Kane.

ELLIOTT:

We're very grateful to them all.

CATHY:

Next week at this time, there's a special holiday show here on CBS Radio. We'll be back two weeks from tonight.

ELLIOTT:

And two weeks from tonight, it being that time of the year, we're going to have Ray Noble as our guest again, and we're going to do our "Happy Holidays" album for you.

CATHY:

Until "Happy Holidays," thank you for listening. Good night.

ELLIOTT:

Good night.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

Music for tonight's story was composed and conducted by Fred Steiner. "The Cathy and Elliott Theme" is by Ray Noble. And the program is transcribed and directed by Mr. Lewis. George Walsh speaking.

Weekday evenings, "Beulah" cooks up comedy on the CBS Radio Network.