GRACIE:

Another cup of Maxwell House Coffee, George?

GEORGE:

Sure! Pour me a cup, Gracie.

GRACIE:

Ya know, Maxwell House is always good to the last...

MUSIC:

FLUTE & GLOCKENSPIEL DESCENDING GLISSANDO

GRACIE:

...drop.

MUSIC:

GLOCKENSPIEL NOTE

GEORGE:

And that drop's good too.

MUSIC:

THEME CHORD, UNDER

BILL:

Yes, it's MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE TIME, starring George Burns and Gracie Allen!

MUSIC:

THEME - ESTABLISH, THEN UNDER

BILL:

With yours truly Bill Goodwin, the music of Meredith Wilson and his orchestra, our Happy Postman Mel Blanc, and Lurene Tuttle, Elliott Lewis, and Wally Maher. For your Thursday night comedy enjoyment, it's George and Gracie. And for your everyday coffee-drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House...the coffee that's always good to the last drop.

MUSIC:

CONTINUES TO A FINISH

BILL:

It's late afternoon at the Burns'. And a very hungry George is just arriving home for dinner. He hurries up the walk, reaches for the doorknob, when suddenly, from inside the house--

SFX:

THREE GUNSHOTS ... WOMAN'S SCREAM

GEORGE:

Holy smoke! Gracie is being murdered!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

GEORGE:

Gracie, what happened?!

GRACIE:

(CALMLY) Nothing, dear. I'm listening to my favourite radio mystery, "The Tall Man".

VILLAIN:

(ON RADIO) We got ya this time, Tall Man! (EVIL LAUGH)

GEORGE:

You like that? Shut that off!

GRACIE:

Well, what's the matter?

GEORGE:

Gracie, stop with these radio mysteries. I'd like some dinner. I'm hungry.

GRACIE:

But I wanna listen to "The Tall Man".

GEORGE:

Nuts to the Tall Man. How 'bout the Hungry Man?

GRACIE:

Oh, I haven't heard that program. When is it on?

GEORGE:

I'm the Hungry Man.

GRACIE:

Oh-h.

GEORGE:

I'm starved.

GRACIE:

Oh-h.

GEORGE:

I'm famished. I could eat a horse.

GRACIE:

Oh, well then, you should have called me from the office. I was planning on lamb chops.

GEORGE:

Yes. Look, Gra--

GRACIE:

Oh, quiet, dear. I wanna finish listening to "The Tall Man". You remember, it's about that marvellous detecive named Rudy, and his dah-ling wife Trudy?

GEORGE:

Yes, a dah-ling girl, yes.

GRACIE:

Oh, she's just charming. They're so in love. Right in the middle of a murder, they lean over the victim and hold hands.

GEORGE:

Yeah, they're romantic.

GRACIE:

Oh, yes. It's so exciting tonight! I'll turn it on again.

SFX:

CLICK OF RADIO KNOB

GRACIE:

Rudy and Trudy have been captured by the master criminal. He has them chained in a dungeon, and he's torturing them.

GEORGE:

Hm. Well, THAT, I'd like to hear.

GRACIE:

Shhhh!

RUDY:

(ON RADIO, VERY CALM, LANGUID AND SUAVE, THROUGHOUT) Are you afraid, Trudy?

GRACIE:

That's Rudy.

GEORGE:

Yes, I guessed that, yes.

TRUDY:

(ON RADIO, VERY CALM AND LANGUID, LIKE TALLULAH, THROUGHOUT) Not when I'm with you, Rudy.

GRACIE:

That's Trudy.

GEORGE:

I know, I know.

TRUDY:

I can't bear to look, Rudy. What torture is he using on you?

RUDY:

He's burning the soles of my feet with red-hot irons.

TRUDY:

Does it hurt, dah-ling?

RUDY:

I find it rather annoying.

GRACIE:

(BREATHLESS SIGH) Ah, Rudy's so brave!

GEORGE:

I'll call him Spunky, after this.

TRUDY:

What is he doing now, Rudy?

RUDY:

He's pouring molten lead in my ear.

TRUDY:

Does it hurt?

RUDY:

(SLIGHT PAUSE) Beg pardon?

TRUDY:

Is it frightfully painful?

RUDY:

I'm beginning to get bored. (SLIGHT PAUSE) Care for a kiss, sweetheart?

TRUDY:

(PASSIONATE) Naturally.

(THEY KISS, MOANING PASSIONATELY)

 

GRACIE:

(SIGH) Oh! Rudy's so romantic!

GEORGE:

He's a romantic chap, yes.

RUDY:

I think I shall break these chains, and capture this ruffian.

TRUDY:

Do that, Rudy.

RUDY:

I shall, Trudy.

SFX:

CREAK OF CHAINS BEING BENT, BROKEN, AND FALLING TO GROUND

GRACIE:

(BREATHLESS SIGH) Oh! Rudy's so strong!

GEORGE:

He's a brute, yes.

VILLAIN:

Stand back, Tall Man! I gotcha covered with my tommy-gun!

RUDY:

I'm not impressed. Take that.

SFX:

LITTLE SLAP

VILLAIN:

(BIG OVERREACTION OF PAIN) OOOOH!

SFX:

THUD OF BODY

TRUDY:

How splendid, Rudy. Now, how shall we escape from this dungeon?

RUDY:

Simple, Trudy. I shall take the springs from that bed, and build a radio broadcasting station...

GEORGE:

Aw, no...

RUDY:

Then we'll radio for assistance.

GRACIE:

(SIGH) Oh! Rudy's so brilliant!

GEORGE:

Smart as a whip, yes.

TRUDY:

You're a most amaaazing man, precious.

RUDY:

Thank you. (SLIGHT PAUSE) Would you care for a kiss, sweetheart?

TRUDY:

(PASSIONATE) Naturally.

(THEY KISS, MOANING PASSIONATELY)

 

GEORGE:

Shut that thing off. Shut it off. Shut it off!

SFX:

CLICK OF RADIO KNOB

GRACIE:

(SIGH) Oh, aren't they wonderful, George?

GEORGE:

Yeah, they're wonderful, wonderful. Now, how 'bout some food? I'm starving.

GRACIE:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh, food! The Tall Man and his wife would never bother with food. They're too busy discovering murders, and grilling suspects.

GEORGE:

All right. Grill me a suspect; I'll eat that.

GRACIE:

Oh, George, why can't you be more like Rudy the Tall Man? Does he yap at his wife about cooking and things like that? No! He's romantic. When he comes home, he kisses her hand.

GEORGE:

All right. Stick your hand up to my mouth.

GRACIE:

With your appetite, I wouldn't dare. Well, all right, dear, all right. I'll show ya how quickly I can get domestic. Now, how would you like some nice lamb chops, mashed potatoes and gravy, fresh asparagus, green salad, and apple pie?

GEORGE:

Great!

GRACIE:

All right. I'll call the Brown Derby, and make a reservation.

GEORGE:

You really... You really got domestic there.

GRACIE:

Mm.

SFX:

LIFTS PHONE RECEIVER ... DIALS PHONE, UNDER

GEORGE:

(TO HIMSELF) Oh, brother, I can eat a horse.

PETE:

(FILTER) Hello? Is that you, Dave?

DAVE:

(FILTER) Yeah. What's on yer mind?

GRACIE:

(SOTTO) Oh, darn it. Someone else is on the line.

PETE:

(FILTER) Hey, listen, Dave... Got a little job to do. Gotta get rid of a rat.

GRACIE:

(SOTTO) Oh, it's a couple of killers!

GEORGE:

(SOTTO) Well, hang up!

MUSIC:

OMINOUS, SLOW PIZZICATO, UNDER

DAVE:

Okay... When do we do da job?

PETE:

(FILTER) How about tonight? We'll collect overtime.

DAVE:

(FILTER) Yeah! (LAUGHS)

GRACIE:

(SOTTO) They're gonna kill a man tonight!

GEORGE:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh, stop!

DAVE:

(FILTER) Where IS the rat?

PETE:

(FILTER) Three-sixty North Camden Drive. Meet me there in two hours.

DAVE:

(FILTER) What if there's no one home?

PETE:

(FILTER) Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll call and check on that.

DAVE:

(FILTER) Okay. What's it gonna be? Poison?

PETE:

(FILTER) Nah. Nah, dat's too slow.

DAVE:

(FILTER) I gotcha, Pete. I'll see ya, then.

PETE:

(FILTER) So long.

SFX:

CLICK OF CALLER HANGING UP

GRACIE:

(GASP) I heard it! I heard the whole plot to murder a man! Oh, we've gotta warn him, George! Where's three-sixty North Camden Drive?

GEORGE:

(CALMLY) That's OUR house.

GRACIE:

Oh, good, let's go-- Oh, GEORGE!!!

MUSIC:

DRAMATIC STING

GEORGE:

What's the matter?

GRACIE:

The killers are after YOU!

GEORGE:

Gracie, you've been listening to too many o' these crime programs. You're imagining this!

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

GRACIE:

Oh, they're here already! It's the killers!

GEORGE:

Oh, it's Bill Goodwin. I saw him through the window. (CALLS) Come in?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BILL:

Hi, Burnses! What's new?

GRACIE:

Oh, Bill! They're gonna shoot George!

BILL:

Why? Did he break a leg?

GEORGE:

I wish it HAD been the killers.

GRACIE:

Oh, Bill, this is serious! Someone's out to get George! And I know how those killers work. They'll shoot him, and stab him, and strangle him! And then, they'll put him in cement, and drop him in the ocean! And George can't swim!!!

GEORGE:

(CALMLY) Yes, and it's bad for my rheumatism. Gracie, relax. Nobody is after me. I'm an entertainer. Every week, I sing and tell jokes to twenty-million people. Who'd wanna kill me?

BILL:

Twenty-million people.

GEORGE:

Bill... Please remember who pays your salary. You're not working for Hope now.

BILL:

No, that's right. Now, I'm working for charity.

GEORGE:

Why, you...!

BILL:

Listen...!

GRACIE:

Boys, boys! How can you fight among yourselves, when George's life is in danger? Bill, why don't you be George's bodyguard?

GEORGE:

Thanks, but I don't need a guard.

BILL:

No, but you could sure use a body.

GEORGE:

I don't believe any of this "killer" stuff!

SFX:

PHONE RINGING, UNDER

GEORGE:

Who--?

SFX:

GRACIE ANSWERS PHONE

GRACIE:

Hello?

PETE:

(FILTER) Hullo? Is George Boins dere?

GRACIE:

Y- y- y- yes. G- G- G- George, it's one o' the killers.

GEORGE:

Oh, stop kidding. Gimme the phone. (INTO PHONE, CHEERFUL) Hello?

PETE:

(FILTER) Boins?

GEORGE:

That's me!

PETE:

(FILTER) Heh-heh. (SMILING) Just wanted to make sure that you were home. See ya at nine o'clock.

SFX:

CLICK OF CALLER HANGING UP

GEORGE:

(ASHEN) You were right.

SFX:

HANGS UP PHONE

GEORGE:

The killers are coming for me!

GRACIE:

Oh, George... I think I'm gonna faint.

SFX:

THUD OF BODY

GRACIE:

Oh, darn it. He beat me to it.

MUSIC:

END OF SCENE ... INTO "STARDUST" ... ESTABLISH, THEN FADE UNDER

BILL:

"Stardust". Seems like only yesterday when I first heard that tune. Yet, it must be twenty years.

WILSON:

That's right, Bill. Hoagy Carmichael wrote "Stardust" way back in 1929. 1929. Short skirts and bobbed hair were still in fashion then, and the country was dancing something called the Lindy Hop.

BILL:

Ah, sure. I remember, Meredith. Lots of memories are wrapped up in a tune like "Stardust". Your first real dance, when Dad let you borrow the family jalopy. The way you felt about your best girl, when you saw her in the music and moonlight. Warm, happy memories, out of yesterday. Moments that belong so truly and inescapably to the American scene. Reminds me how, down through the years, Maxwell House Coffee has become so real a part of the American scene. We Americans love coffee. It's our national drink. And today, more people buy and enjoy Maxwell House than any other brand of coffee at any price. It's Maxwell House, wherever you go. How explain this amazing preference? Listen...

Flavour is the answer, of course. That "good to the last drop" Maxwell House flavour, that results from the skilful blending of these highland-grown, Latin-American coffees. Manezales, for mellowness...

MUSIC:

WOODWINDS PLAY THE MELODY

BILL:

Medellins, for richness...

MUSIC:

PIANO PLAYS THE MELODY

BILL:

Other choice coffees, for vigour...

MUSIC:

STRINGS PLAY THE MELODY

BILL:

And Buka Romanges, for full body.

MUSIC:

BRASSES PLAY THE MELODY

MUSIC:

STRINGS & WOODWINDS PLAY QUIETLY, UNDER

BILL:

All meaning great coffee, at the peak of flavourful perfection. Friends, why not make yours, coffee at its best? You can, for just a fraction of a penny more per cup than you'd pay for the cheapest coffee sold. Just say, "Maxwell House". Always good to the last...

MUSIC:

FLUTE & GLOCKENSPIEL DESCENDING GLISSANDO

BILL:

...drop.

MUSIC:

GLOCKENSPIEL NOTE

MUSIC:

ALL INSTRUMENTS PLAY A VERY LUSH ARRANGEMENT OF "STARDUST", TO A FINISH

GRACIE:

Oh, George, what'll we do? The killers are coming for you!

GEORGE:

(SCARED) Yeah. Any minute now, somebody will take a pot shot at me!

GRACIE:

Yeah. Get your stomach away from that window.

GEORGE:

Gee. Who can I turn to for help?

GRACIE:

Oh, I don't kn-- Oh! I've got it! I know just the one who can save you! The Tall Man!

GEORGE:

That's a radio program.

GRACIE:

But I read in a magazine that Rudy and Trudy are really man and wife. And I know where they live. C'mon!

GEORGE:

Gracie, listen. Radio stars are not the same in person as they are on the air. On their programs, Sinatra's skinny; Jack Benny is stingy, and Eddie Cantor is an old man. But have ya seen them in person?

GRACIE:

Yeah, and that clinches my argument. C'mon!

GEORGE:

Yeah, let's go.

MUSIC:

BRIGHT TRANSITIONAL, THEN OUT

GRACIE:

Oh. Well, here's the Tall Man's house. I'll ring the bell.

SFX:

DOORBELL

GRACIE:

Oh, Rudy can save you from those killers. He's so strong and brave and clever!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

TRUDY:

(HIGHER, MORE SHRILL VOICE. RUDELY) Well, what is it?

GRACIE:

Are you, uh, Trudy?

TRUDY:

That's right. Whaddayou want?

GRACIE:

Well, we wanna speak to your husband, the Tall Man.

TRUDY:

(CALLING SHRILLY) Hey, Rudy! You've got visitors.

RUDY:

(FRAZZLED, ALMOST IN TEARS) Oh, not now, Trudy! I'm in AGONY! This hangnail is KILLING me!

GEORGE:

(TO GRACIE, QUIETLY) A hangnail... bothers the Tall Man???

GRACIE:

(TO GEORGE, QUIETLY) Oh, there- there must be some mistake. I know he's brave.

RUDY:

(WHIMPERING) Look at this piece of skin dangling down. My own skin! It's almost an eighth of an inch long.

TRUDY:

(EXASPERATED) I told you I'd cut it off.

RUDY:

(PANICKING) No, no, don't touch me with those awful scissors! (LIP TREMBLES) I'd faint.

GEORGE:

(TO GRACIE) Hey, he's brave. Look, let's go, Gracie. I think we're--

RUDY:

What can I do for you? Please make it brief, because (STIFLING A SOB) I'm SUFFERING DREADFULLY.

GRACIE:

(SYMPATHETIC) Oh... Yes, a hangnail can be painful. I suppose ya hurt your finger when you... knocked out a bunch of gangsters?

TRUDY:

HA! (TO RUDY) Tell 'em how ya did it, stupid.

RUDY:

I was trying to open a jar of peanut butter.

TRUDY:

Spilled it all over the floor too.

RUDY:

Well, it was too heavy for me!

TRUDY:

Will you stop making excuses? You're CLUMSY, that's all.

GRACIE:

But I- I- I thought he was so smart about doing things with his hands, like making a radio set out of the bedsprings.

TRUDY:

HIM??? Ol' Butterfingers?

GEORGE:

(TO GRACIE, SOTTO) Sure, he dropped the peanut butter.

TRUDY:

I'll never forget the time I asked him to put a new bulb in the lamp. He broke it (AT RUDY) ALL TO PIECES!

RUDY:

That was YOUR fault! You should'a told me which end o' the bulb to screw in!

GEORGE:

(TO GRACIE) Let's get somebody else to help me. I don't think I got a chance.

GRACIE:

No, no.

GEORGE:

I think I'm ruined if I get this kid.

GRACIE:

Rudy... My husband is in danger, and we thought that you might be his bodyguard--

RUDY:

(TERRIFIED "LITTLE GIRL" SCREAM)

GEORGE:

(SOTTO) What'll I do?

GRACIE:

Ooh, what's the matter?

RUDY:

Look! (CRINGING) Crawling on the floor! A BUG!!!

TRUDY:

(SARCASTIC) Want me to kill it, Strong Heart?

RUDY:

No!!! No, just shoo it out. You know I can't stand the sight of (SHUDDERING) blood! (TO GRACIE) I'm sorry. What were you saying?

GRACIE:

Well, um... I did want you to guard my husband, but... somehow, in person, you don't seem to be like you are on the radio.

RUDY:

I should hope not! That Tall Man is such a BRUTAL character.

GEORGE:

(SOTTO) Yes, he's a bad man.

RUDY:

I'd be much happier if they'd let me play (VOICE CRACKING LIKE HENRY ALDRICH) Henry Aldrich.

TRUDY:

(DISGUSTED) He'd be even happier if they'd let him play Ma Perkins.

RUDY:

Now, you stop teasing me, Trudy! (POUTING) It's time to put another cold compress on my finger.

TRUDY:

Okay, stick it out. (PUTS IT ON HIS FINGER) There.

RUDY:

(SHIVERS, THEN WHIMPERS IN AGONY) EEEEE! Oooh, oooh, oooh!

GEORGE:

(SOTTO) Yeah, it's cold; it's cold.

RUDY:

(ALMOST CRYING) I'm FREEZING to death! I can't stand it!

GEORGE:

(SOTTO) Yes, it's cold. It's cold, that compress.

TRUDY:

(TO RUDY) WILL YOU STOP YELLING, OR WILL I SLUG YOU???

RUDY:

(CONTROLS HIMSELF) All right. I'll be brave. (SHAKY-VOICED AND PATHETICALLY HOPEFUL) Would you care for a little kiss, sweetheart?

TRUDY:

Oh, shut up!

GEORGE:

Come on, Gracie, let's get outta here!

MUSIC:

FAST, SCAMPERING TRANSITION, TURNS INTO SLOW AND OMINOUS WITH A HANGING MINOR CHORD

GRACIE:

Well, the Tall Man couldn't help us, Meredith, so now it's up to you and me to save George's life.

WILSON:

Is that why we came down here to the underworld, Gracie?

GRACIE:

Yes, this is the same tough saloon we were in last week. We'll ask questions, and find out who's after George.

WILSON:

I get it. We'll pretend to be crooks again.

GRACIE:

Right.

SFX:

SLAPPING HAND ON BARTOP, REPEATEDLY

GRACIE:

(ACTING TOUGH) Hey! You! Bartender! Let's have some soivice!

WILSON:

(ACTING TOUGH) Yeah!

BARTEND:

(BORED, BRONX) Okay. What'll it be?

GRACIE:

I'll have a beer!

BARTEND:

What kind?

GRACIE:

Root!

WILSON:

Yeah!

BARTEND:

Hey, uh... Ain't I seen yer face someplace else?

GRACIE:

No. It's always been right here in the front o' me head.

BARTEND:

Hey, I remember you now. You was here last week, said yer name was Gracie Catraz.

GRACIE:

Dat's me. Sister to Al Catraz. Want some information!

WILSON:

Yeah!

BARTEND:

Okay. What's da dope?

GRACIE:

He's mah friend, Meredith Wilson.

WILSON:

Yeah!

BARTEND:

Whaddaya wanna know?

GRACIE:

Well, there's a coupla killers tryin' to knock off a pal o' mine, named Pretty Boy Burns. I want protection for him!

BARTEND:

Never hoid of him.

GRACIE:

Here's his picture.

BARTEND:

(LOOKS AT IT) Pretty Boy, heh?

GRACIE:

Yeh.

BARTEND:

Sure outgrew it, didn't he?

WILSON:

Yeah!

GRACIE:

I, uh... I wanna know who's tryin' to kill him, and why.

BARTEND:

I don't know nuttin' about it.

GRACIE:

Oh, won't talk, huh? Suppose I have Meredith work ya over?

BARTEND:

He ain't man enough to hoit a flea.

WILSON:

Yeah!

BARTEND:

Hey, look. I don't know nuttin'. If ya want protection for Burns, why don't ya get him a coupla flatfeet?

GRACIE:

No good. He's already got a couple.

BARTEND:

That does it. Will you get outta here, Sister?

WILSON:

Yeah!

GRACIE:

C'mon, Meredith!

MUSIC:

JOLLY INTRO TO "ZIPPIDY-DOO-DAH", UNDER

BILL:

Meredith Wilson and his orchestra in "Zippidy-Doo-Dah"!

MUSIC:

UP, CONTINUES TO A FINISH

GRACIE:

Hold still, George, while I put these false whiskers on you.

GEORGE:

Gracie, do you think this plan will work?

GRACIE:

Well, certainly! You've got to escape from the killers, and a disguise is the only way. Nobody will know you, disguised as an old man.

GEORGE:

What are ya doing now?

GRACIE:

Well, I'm drawing wrinkles on your face with my eyebrow pencil. (PUTS ON FINISHING TOUCHES) There! Now... Put on these spectacles, and take this cane.

GEORGE:

Well... How do I look?

GRACIE:

Ehh, your own wife wouldn't know you!

GEORGE:

I'm not so sure.

GRACIE:

What did you say, Edgar?

GEORGE:

Uh... Edgar???

GRACIE:

See? Your own wife doesn't know you.

GEORGE:

Yeah, you didn't recognize me.

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

GRACIE:

Now, don't be afraid to open the door, dear. No one'll recognize you.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

POSTMAN:

Good evening, Mr. Burns. Here's a Special Delivery letter for you.

GRACIE:

Uh, Mr. Postman, don't you, uh, notice something different about George?

POSTMAN:

Ye-e-s. I've never seen him looking better.

GEORGE:

Better???

POSTMAN:

He looks so much younger than usual.

GEORGE:

Goodbye, Mr. Postman.

POSTMAN:

Goodbye. And remember: (LITTLE SOB) Keep smiling.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

GEORGE:

Come on, get this disguise of me. I've gotta think of a plan! The killers'll be here any minute!

GRACIE:

Ye-- I've got it! I'll put a dress on you, and disguise you as a woman.

GEORGE:

They'll see right through that.

GRACIE:

Not if you wear a slip under it.

GEORGE:

Well, nuts for that. I'm through with disguises. Let the killers come! I'll fight them man to man! I'm not afraid!

GRACIE:

(GASPS HAPPILY, THEN HUGS HIM) Oh, darling!

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

GRACIE:

There they are. Shall I open the door, George? (NO ANSWER) George? G-- (SEES HIM) George, come out from under the divan! Half o' you is still stickin' out, and it makes for a VERY tempting target.

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

BILL:

Hey, what goes on here? Why don't ya open the door when a fella--

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

BILL:

(NOTICES) What's George doin' under the couch? Developin' pictures?

GRACIE:

No. He thought you were the killers, Bill. They're due any minute.

GEORGE:

(DOOMED) Yeah, Bill. I've only got a few more minutes to live. My whole life is flashing before me. My childhood. The day I became twenty-one. The day I went to war...

BILL:

Tell me, George. Was it tough at Gettysburg?

GEORGE:

That's right. Joke while the killers come closer and closer.

BILL:

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean this stuff about the killers is really on the level?

GRACIE:

Well, certainly it is!

BILL:

Well, why didn't you two say so? I'll save you, George! I'll set a trap for those guys!

GEORGE:

Wonderful!

BILL:

Now, Gracie, get me a long piece o' string... a shotgun... and a kettle full o' boiling water. I'll fix those killers!

GRACIE:

Oh, right away, Bill!

GEORGE:

How does the trap work, Bill?

BILL:

Well, as the killers turn the doorknob...

GEORGE:

Yeah...

BILL:

It pulls the string...

GEORGE:

Yeah...

BILL:

Which sets off the shotgun.

GEORGE:

It shoots the killers!

BILL:

No, no.

GEORGE:

No, huh? Something else happens to the killers. Yes.

BILL:

Yeah. Now, here's what happens. It shoots a hole in the kettle, and lets the boiling water run out.

GEORGE:

And it runs on the killers!

BILL:

No.

GEORGE:

Not yet.

BILL:

It runs into a percolator, and makes a pot o' Maxwell House Coffee.

GEORGE:

(PAUSE) What happens to the killers?

BILL:

They smell the coffee, and make a beeline to the kitchen to get some.

GEORGE:

They forget all about me...

BILL:

Sure, sure, they forget. Can you blame 'em?

GEORGE:

No.

BILL:

Maxwell House is rich, delicious, and mellow. That famous Maxwell House flavour you know, is the result of careful selection and blending of premium Latin-American coffees, radiant-roasted to perfection. It's no wonder more people buy and enjoy Maxwell House than any other brand of coffee in the world.

GEORGE:

Bill... Are ya just gonna let the killers sit there and drink the coffee?

BILL:

Oh, no, no, George. Of course not.

GEORGE:

Oh, ya got something?

BILL:

Yeah.

GEORGE:

I thought so.

BILL:

You see, this is National Donut Week. We'll give 'em some donuts too.

GEORGE:

Yeah. That's right. That's it.

BILL:

What a combination!

GEORGE:

That's a good trap.

BILL:

Donuts and Maxwell House Coffee.

GEORGE:

And a new partner for Gracie, cause I'll be dead.

BILL:

Maxwell House is the very best in coffee-drinking pleasure, yet it costs but a fraction of a penny more per cup than the cheapest coffee you can buy. That's why Maxwell House is the choice of so many millions of Americans today. They know today's coffee buy is Maxwell House. The coffee that's always good to the last drop!

GEORGE:

Bill, I don't think much of your plan.

BILL:

But, George... Except for one little flaw, it's a wonderful plan!

GEORGE:

Yeah, but when the killers get through with the donuts and coffee, they'll MURDER me.

BILL:

That's the one little flaw.

GEORGE:

Outside o' that, ya got something.

GRACIE:

(APPROACHING) Here's the string, Bill. And the kettle, and-- (NOTICES KILLERS APPROACHING) George...

GEORGE:

What? What happened?

GRACIE:

(URGENT) The killers. The killers.

GEORGE:

The killers!

GRACIE:

They're coming up the front walk...

GEORGE:

What'll I do? Where can I hide? I know! The closet!

BILL:

No! No, George! Don't go in there! You're gonna face these killers like a man! You're not gonna hide in that closet!

GEORGE:

Why not???

BILL:

Cause that's where I'M hiding.

SFX:

FAST CLOSET DOOR SLAM

GEORGE:

(IRONIC) My pal.

GRACIE:

Oh! They're almost to the door, George. Now, they've stopped to look at the address.

GEORGE:

I'm gonna hide in the cellar. Tell 'em I'm not here! Get rid of them!

GRACIE:

No, George! Bill! Come back! Come-- Oh, all right. I'll face them alone. I'll save George from those killers!

MUSIC:

OMINOUS, CREEPING, MINOR KEY

PETE:

Dis da right place, Dave?

DAVE:

Yeah. Three-sixty. Let's make this a quick one, Pete.

PETE:

Well, shouldn't take us long to get rid o' one rat.

DAVE:

Nah. Nah, it ain't like a termite job.

PETE:

The jobs I hate are them silverfish.

DAVE:

Well, ants and moths ain't no bargain either.

PETE:

Uh-huh. What a lousy racket we're in, heh? Ya know, if I had it to do over again, I wouldn't be an extoiminator.

DAVE:

Ehhh, me neither. Hey, uh, when did this guy Burns call about the rat in his cellar?

PETE:

Oh, dat was more than a month ago. (LAUGHS) Well, you know how the orders pile up. When I spoke to him today, he acted like he'd forgot all about it.

DAVE:

Well... Come on, come on; let's get it over with.

SFX:

DOOR BUZZER

GRACIE:

Uh, come in!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

DAVE:

Uh, we've called ya today, lady. We're here to, uh--

GRACIE:

Yeah, yeah; I know why you're here.

PETE:

Okay. Where's the rat?

GRACIE:

He- he went to Florida.

DAVE:

Florida???

GRACIE:

Doctor's orders.

PETE:

We got no time for jokes, lady. Dat rat's in the cellar, right?

GRACIE:

Ye- How did you know?

PETE:

We make our livin' this way. Let's get busy, Dave.

GRACIE:

Oh, wait, wait! Please don't kill him.

DAVE:

What's eatin' ya, lady?

GRACIE:

(PAUSE) I love that little rat.

PETE:

You love him? Hey, look, lady. You're kiddin'.

GRACIE:

No!

PETE:

No? Well, ain't he a pest?

GRACIE:

(BREATHLESS) No.

PETE:

Don't he sneak around at night and eat up all the food? Don't he cost ya money?

GRACIE:

Well... y- yes. But I love the little rat.

DAVE:

Look. Look at it this way, lady. Don't it scare ya when ya see dem little beady eyes lookin' at ya? And them- them little grey whiskers a-twitchin', heh?

GRACIE:

Y- yes. But I LOVE the little rat!

PETE:

Well, for Pete's sake, WHY???

GRACIE:

Stop talking like my mother!

DAVE:

Huh???

GRACIE:

I love him because he's mine. I've nursed him when he was sick. Shared his sorrows and joys. He's my Boopsie Boy.

PETE:

(PAUSE) You, uh... You call him "Boopsie Boy"?

GRACIE:

Yes.

PETE:

Well, it's a nice name.

GRACIE:

Oh, he's WONDERFUL! You should have seen him in vaudeville.

DAVE:

Vaudeville?

GRACIE:

Uh-huh.

DAVE:

Sounds like an educated rat.

GRACIE:

No, no. He never got past the fourth grade.

PETE:

(QUIETLY, TO DAVE) Hey, look. Whattaya make o' this, Dave?

DAVE:

(QUIETLY) Nuttier than a fruitcake.

PETE:

Yeah, yeah. (TO GRACIE) Hey, uh... Uh, look, lady... (NERVOUS LAUGH) We won't hoit the little fella. Nah, nah, we- we'll give him gas. He won't feel nuttin'.

DAVE:

Yeah, yeah. And then, we'll pick him up by the tail, and carry him out.

PETE:

Yeah.

SFX:

CLOSET DOOR OPENS

BILL:

This, I gotta see!

PETE:

Hey, who's this guy just popped outta da closet???

GRACIE:

He's Boopsie Boy's best friend.

DAVE:

(TO BILL) You and da rat are FRIENDS???

BILL:

Oh, sure! I've known the little guy for years. We wear each other's neckties.

DAVE:

Another looney! Let's get outta here!

PETE:

Nah, nuts to that! I'm here to kill that rat, and I'm gonna go down in da basement and do it!

GRACIE:

Oh, no, no, please!!!

PETE:

Get away from that door!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... HE RUNS DOWN THE CELLAR STAIRS, SLOWS AT THE BOTTOM, THEN STOPS.

SFX:

PAUSE ... HE RUNS UP CELLAR STAIRS IN A PANIC, AND RUSHES FOR THE DOOR, UNDER

PETE:

Hey, come on, Dave, come on! We're gettin' outta here!

SFX:

DOOR OPENS ... THEY RUN OUT ... DOOR SLAMS

DAVE:

What happened, Pete?

PETE:

Well, if you think THOSE two are nuts, you oughtta see the idiot they keep in da basement!

MUSIC:

THEME UP, THEN OUT

BILL:

Join us again next week, when we'll all be back. George Burns, Gracie Allen, Meredith Wilson and his orchestra, and yours truly Bill Goodwin. "The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" is written by Paul Henning and Keith Fowler. Til next Thursday, goodnight and good luck, from the makers of Maxwell House.

Now stay tuned in for "Noah Webster Says", which follows immediately over most of these stations.

ANNCR:

Mom dismayed by the breakfast parade? She'll thank her stars for Instant Maxwell House Coffee. It's instant; it's new; it's good to the last drop too. Yes, trust Maxwell House to make a better instant coffee. True coffee flavour; true coffee aroma, because it's ALL coffee, made from America's favourite, the famous Maxwell House blend. And thrifty! A jar of Instant Maxwell House makes fully as much as a pound of regular coffee.

NBC:

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

NBC CHIMES