ANNCR American Radio Theater presents a lost episode of The Saint. %u201CThe Case of the Wrong Car%u201D.

SOUND:

SIMON WALKS THROUGH A HOTEL, TO THE DOORMAN AT THE DOOR OF HOTEL

SOUND:

MUSIC AND VOICES IN BACK. . .

SFX:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE...

SOUND:

OUTDOOR BG... (VOICES AND MUSIC DOWN IN BACK (RAIN)

DOORMAN:

Ah, Mr. Templar -- you'll be wanting your car now.

SIMON:

You're a mindreader, Doorman.

DOORMAN:

Thank you.

(WHISTLE)

 

DOORMAN:

Pete -- Mr. Templar's car -- the green convertible -- had a nice dinner, Mr. Templar?

SFX:

PETE RUNS OFF

SIMON:

Fine dinner. Almost digestible.

DOORMAN:

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

SIMON:

Well I must be a wit.

SOUND CAR FADES IN

DOORMAN:

There's your car, sir.

SIMON:

So it is. Thought I'd left the top up, though.-- to keep the fog out.

DOORMAN:

Oh, the fog isn't very bad, sir --

SIMON:

No -- almost dry - well, tata.

DOORMAN:

Good evening, Mr. Templar,

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE. . .CAR STARTS AND FADES

DOORMAN:

A fine man, Mr. Templar.

SFX:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE OFF. . .STEPS IN

BRENNER:

Doorman?

DOORMAN:

Yes, sir?

BRENNER:

My car.

DOORMAN:

Yes -- it was a --

BRENNER:

Green convertible.

DOORMAN:

Of course -- I remember noticing how similar it was. (UP) Pete, this gentleman's car. Green convertible. Had a nice dinner, sir?

SFX:

PETE RUNS OFF

BRENNER:

(GRUNTS)

SOUND:

CAR FADES IN

DOORMAN:

There it is sir. Exactly like Mr. --

BRENNER:

(CUT IN) Wait a minute -- that's not my car.

DOORMAN:

Not your car? But it's a green convertible Cadillac, sir.

BRENNER:

Maybe you never noticed, but they make more than one of those -- that's not my car.

DOORMAN:

But --

BRENNER:

The license plate, you halfwitted oaf.

DOORMAN:

Oh. Then -- it must be Mr. Templar's car.

BRENNER:

I don't care whose car it is -- where's mine?

DOORMAN:

I %u2014 I'm afraid, sir %u2014 that Mr. Templar has your car.

BRENNER:

You gave somebody else my car?

DOORMAN:

Well, it was exactly like yours -- I mean his -- I mean %u2014

BRENNER:

How long ago did he leave?

DOORMAN:

Just a couple of minutes --

BRENNER:

It's dark -- I'll never find --

DOORMAN:

Well, sir, if we notified the police, they'd be glad to --

BRENNER:

Are you trying to be funny?

DOORMAN:

Why no %u2014

BRENNER:

I don't want the police notified -- got that straight?

DOORMAN:

Y - yes sir.

BRENNER:

I'll take this car -- what's Templar's address?

DOORMAN:

4917 Roadside Drive, sir. He's a regular customer of the Inn --

BRENNER:

4917 Roadside Drive -- ok --

DOORMAN:

And -- and your name, sir, in case Mr. Templar should notice the error and want to get in touch with you?

BRENNER:

My name's Brenner, and I'll be getting in touch with him. But -- I'd give a thousand dollars if I knew what Mr. Templar was doing right now...

MUSIC:

(TRANSITION....)

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

(HUMS LUSTILY)

LORETTA:

(OFF) Hi %u2014 hi there %u2014

SIMON:

Hmm?

LORETTA:

(CLOSER) Stop, will you?

SOUND:

CAR SLOWS DOWN

SIMON:

Madame, I may be no Caruso, but %u2014 you're too pretty to be a music critic.

LORETTA:

(IMPATIENTLY) Open, the car door will you?

SIMON:

Of course --

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

LORETTA:

That's better -- all right. Straight ahead.

SIMON:

Straight ahead.

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

LORETTA:

You almost drove right past me.

SIMON:

An incredible oversight, considering that you are you.

LORETTA:

Thank you.

SIMON:

Thank you.

LORETTA:

Well, we're almost at Olive and Northwestern --

SIMON:

A true fact --

LORETTTA:

So I'd better get out.

SIMON:

So short a visit -- you don't like Olive and Northwestern? Let's go to Olive and Northeastern or like me, do you prefer an old. fashioned without fruit? I'd be delighted to buy you one.

LORETTA:

You're cute but -- not tonight.

SIMON:

May I be cute tomorrow night?

LORETTA:

We'll see, but first -- I'll leave this here --

SIMON:

Piggy bank?

LORETTA:

Uhuh. The piggy bank. On the seat. Now stop.

SIMON:

If you insist -

SOUND:

CAR TO STOP

LORETTA:

Don't forget -- you stop at Olive and Northwestern --

SIMON:

Do I?

LORETTA:

Of course. Goodbye now.

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPEN

SIMON:

Hold on -- I'd much rather have you in the car than the piggy bank. After all, piggy banks are so -- hmm. Stuffy.

(JOKE).

LORETTA:

Terribly cute --

SOUND:

CAR DOOR CLOSE. .STEPS FADE OUT

SIMON:

Hmm. Ah well %u2014

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

My dear pig, let us see what pick up at Olive and Northwestern, mm?

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

CAR SLOWS DOWN. . .STEPS FADE IN FAST... CAR DOOR OPEN AND

CLOSE

FIDDLER:

Ok, pal -- step on the little pedal, huh?

SIMON:

By all means.

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

Although your predecessor was more attractive.

FIDDLER:

Huh?

SIMON:

Forgive my broken English, but-- who are you?

FIDDLER:

The Fiddler.

SIMON:

Where's your fiddle?

FIDDLER:

A card, huh?

SIMON:

At the moment, a completely blank one. What can I do for you, or are you bringing me another piggy bank, so the one on the seat near you won%u2019t be lonely?

FIDDLER:

Nah. I am not bringin' you a piggy bank -- I am takin' this one -- lemme see --

SFX:

RATTLE OF PIGGY BANK

FIDDLER:

Yeah.

SIMON:

Seems unfair. Don't I get anything?

FIDDLER:

You are gettin' this here envelope --

SIMON:

Very fat envelope --

FIDDLER:

Which I am placin' --

SFX:

GLOVE COMPARTMENT OPEN

FIDDLER:

In the glove compartment --

SFX:

DOOR OF COMPARTMENT SHUT

SIMON:

You know, all this is beginning to fascinate me %u2014 makes absolutely no sense --

FIDDLER:

Like I always say, take care of the bills, and cents %u2018ll take care of themselves -- ha ha. ha.

SIMON:

(COLDLY) If you go around always saying that, I'm surprised that nobody killed you -- long ago --

FIDDLER:

Nobody kills the Fiddler.

SIMON:

I see. Probably would violate some local ordinance.

FIDDLER:

I get out here.

SIMON:

I won't dispute the point.

SOUND:

CAR TO STOP...CAR DOOR OPEN

FIDDLER:

Well, It's been nice knowin' you --

SIMON:

(MURMURS) I wish I could say the same --

FIDDLER:

But like I always say --

SIMON:

Make tonight an exception -- don't say it -

FIDDLER:

Here today and gone tomorrow.

SIMON:

That's quite an interesting phrase -- I wouldn't be at all surprised if it caught on %u2014 uhmm, what am I supposed to do now?

FIDDLER:

(FADING) What your conscience tells you -- ha ha ha ...

SFX:

STEPS FADE OUT

SIMON:

Hmm.

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

Hmm? But I don't have her phone number....

MUSIC. TRANSITION.. . ..

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

(HUMS)

SOUND:

SECOND CAR FADES IN FAST

HUNT:

(OFF) Over to the curb, please.

SIMON:

Wha -- oh. Very well.

SOUND:

CAR -SLOWS DOWN TO STOP

SIMON:

California%u2019s full of music critics tonight --

SFX:

STEPS FADE IN

HUNT:

I'll get in now.

SIMON:

Or music lovers %u2022-- by all means, sir --

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSE

HUNT:

(WHEEZES)

SIMON:

Rather a tight fit, hmm?

HUNT:

Let us ignore my bulk -- I'm sensitive about it.

SIMON:

Sorry.

HUNT:

Where Is Brenner?

SIMON:

What is a Brenner?

HUNT:

Hm. A wag. Drive straight down the street, hmm?

SIMON:

Of course.

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

But your cab -- the one you overtook me in'--

HUNT:

It's been paid off.

SIMON:

Good. Otherwise I might toss all night, worrying about the poor cab driver --

HUNT:

You needn't bother. Everything's in order?

SIMON:

I would say offhand that it is. Of course, I suspect the beginning of a cavity in one of my molars, but otherwise

HUNT:

Stop kidding. Where is it?

SIMON:

(ON HIS DIGNITY) My dear sir, I never kid. No matter how extreme the provaction. Stems from an experience in early childhood, when -- you're not really interested in my early childhood?

HUNT:

I am not. Where is it?

SIMON:

You might be referring to one of several things. The blonde, for example.

HUNT:

Loretta -- and I am not referring to her.

SIMON:

Family man. Then, perhaps the piggy bank --

HUNT:

I am beginning to lose the scant patience Nature endowed me with. The envelope %u2013

SIMON:

Glove compartment --

HUNT:

Ah%u2014

SIMON:

But don't reach for it.

HUNT:

What?!

SIMON:

I don't mind being baffled, but I want to wind up with something. I started out with Loretta, lost her for a piggy bank, acquired an unwholesome looking companion in the Fiddler, end gladly gave him up for a fat envelope. But that envelope, Mr. --

HUNT:

Hunt, as you very well know --

SIMON:

That envelope, Mr. Hunt, now represents my all, and frankly, I'm reluctant to part with it.

HUNT:

Would this decrease your reluctance?

S-IMON:

Hmm. Is it loaded?

HUKT:

Personally.

SIMON:

It decreases my reluctance.

HUNT:

Thank you.

SFX:

GLOVE COMPARTMENT OPEN

HUNT:

Ah.

SFX:

GLOVE COMPARTMENT CLOSED

SIMON:

Hmm. Farewell, envelope. Ah well, I never really cared for it. What now, Mr. Hunt?

HUNT:

My home.

SIMON:

Which is where?

HUNT:

Brenner obviously selected an idiot for a substitute --

SIMON:

You're too kind %u2014

HUNT:

I shall have words with him about this. I gave him the assignment.

SIMON:

Give me his address and I'll have words with him too --

HUNT:

Bah --

SIMON:

Or give me Loretta's address, and I'll have tea with her

HUNT:

Tea? (LAUGHS) Well, let%u2019s get going. My address is 1456 Larchmont Terrace.

SIMON:

A pleasant neighborhood. Larchmont Terrance it is, then, --

SOUND:

CAR ACCELERATES

SIMON:

And for heaven's sake, Mr. Hunt, don't turn into a piggy bank or the Fiddler before we get there...if you do, I shall have to part with old fashioneds -- or, eat least, with the fruit in them....

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

HUNT:

Sir.

SIMON:

Yes?

HUNT:

We are being followed.

SIMON:

The Piggy bank on our trail or Loretta?

HUNT:

A car I don't know -- I suggest more speed %u2013

SIMON:

You sound worried %u2013

HUNT:

More speed, I said ~~

SIMON:

. Very well %u2013

SOUND:

CAR ACCELERATES SLIGHTLY

SIMON:

Hmm. Strange. Car doesn't respond very well -- needs a carbon job by the feel of it, and yet -- I had the carbon cleaned two days ago. To borrow one of your phrases I shall have words with the my garage

HUNT:

They're overtaking us %u2013

SIMON:

Relax -- probably some of the Hooper people -- want to know what radio program we're listening to - let's stop and give some worthy program a break %u2013

HUNT:

You idiot %u2014 this is a lonely stretch of road --

SIMON:

You exaggerate %u2014 we're only a block from Sunset --

SOUND:

FADE IN OTHER CAR

HUNT:

It might as well be a mile -- they're on us -- cutting us off and --

SOUND:

SHOTS -- CRASH OF CAR INTO

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

(COMMERCIAL)

 

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

CRASH OF CARS. . .CAR FADING OUT AFTER A BEAT. .

SFX:

RUNNING THEN STEPS IN

BYSTANDER:

Hey -- what --

SIMON:

(FADING IN) Dreadful accident --

BYSTANDER:

Yeah -- I seen it from down the block --

SIMON:

I, my good fellow, was right beside the cars when they crashed --

BYSTANDER:

One of 'em pulled out -- fast --

SIMON Tsk tsk --

BYSTANDER:

Funny -- I thought I noticed two guys in the convertible -- only one guy lay in' there now -- you look like the other guy %u2014

SIMON:

Nonsense -- other man was in the convertible -- I'm not --

BYSTANDER:

Hmm. You coulda been thrown clear -- or jumped --

SIMON:

How very true -- good Lord!

BYSTANDER:

Huh?

SIMON:

The license plate on that car -- it's the wrong license plate --

BYSTANDER:

Huh?

SIMON:

Or more likely -- it's the wrong car -- which would explain a great many things --

BYSTANDER:

What are you talkin' about, mister?

SIMON:

The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things -- of piggy banks and fiddlers -- let's go proffer first aid of the fat gentleman --

SFX:

(STEPS AND)

BYSTANDER:

Hmm. He is beyond any aid. Head crushed in.

SAINT Possibly -- or possibly afterwards -- identification -- breastpocket -- wallet, odds and ends -- no fat envelope -- Hey, I'm beginnin' to think --

SOUND:

(FADE IN SIRENS WAY OFF)

8IMON:

(ALARMED) For heaven's sake, man -- don't. People who think get headaches and things -- goodbye, I must be off --

BYSTANDER:

What's your hurry?

SIMON:

Those sirens --I'm allergic to them -- break out in a cold sweat every time I hear them -- goodbye and remember - you may be the innocent bystander and of course we all know what happens to them, don't we?

MUSIC:

TRANSITION. . . . .

SFX:

(STEPS)

SIMON:

(WHISTLES)

SFX:

(DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE)

BRENNER:

You.

SIMON:

Oh dear -- what a welcome home.

BRENNER:

You Templar?

SIMON:

If I'm not, I%u2019ve been was grossly deceived.

BRENNER:

Where's my car?

SIMON:

Ah -- you would be Mr. Brenner.

BRENNER:

Where's my car?

SIMON:

Oh stop pointing that gun at me -- it only imitates me.

BRENNER:

It could kill you.

SIMON:

I doubt it. I'm not in the mood. Where's my car?

BRENNER:

Parked round the side of the house.

SIMON:

Thank you. As for your car --

BRENNER:

Yeah?

SIMON:

The unnecessarily fat Mr. Hunt is more or less in possession of it, I should think.

BRENNER:

Hunt's got it?

SIMON:

Hunt got it.

BRENNER:

Huh?

SIMON:

I said, yes.

BRENNER:

Ok. But mister, if I find out you've been lyin' --

SIMON:

You'll expose me to the world and I shall be forced to resign from the boy scouts -- goodnight, Mr. Brenner.

RENNER:

Yeah. And brother, if Hunt hasn't got the car, you better make preparations for another world

SIMON:

Nonsense -- I like this one --

BRENNER:

For how long, Mr. Templar?

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SIMON:

(SINGS)

SFX:

DOORBELL

SIMON:

Blast.

SFX:

DOORBELL.. .STEPS

SIMON:

All right -- I shall give up my career as another Caruso --

SFX:

DOOR OPEN

SIMON:

Who -- oh.

LORETTA:

Let me in.

SIMON:

Let you In? My dear. If I'd know you were coming -- the beg red carpet would have been rolled out, a gypsy orchestra would be wildly playing In the background, the roses would be blooming and -- come in.

SFX:

STEPS...DOOR CLOSE...STEPS

LORETTA:

Your name Is Templar.

SIMON:

Simon to you --

LORETTA:

I want my piggy bank.

SIMON:

And by gad, you'd have it -- if I had it.

LORETTA:

You must have it.

SIMON:

No. The Fiddler has it. By the way, why is he called the Fiddler?

LORETTA:

He's crazy about fiddles. You gave him the piggy bank before --

SIMON:

Before what?

LORETTA:

Before -- you got back here.

SIMON:

I'm afraid so.

LORETTA:

Then where's the envelope he gave you?

SIMON:

Mr. Hunt wanted it.

LORETTA:

He got it?

SIMON:

Mr. Hunt was quite pressing. Pressing, I might add, with the point of a revolver in my fifth -- or was it sixth rib?

LORETTA:

He got it.--darn.

SIMON:

Tell ma all about it, and we can do our darning together.

LORETTA:

Goodbye.

SIMON:

Where are you going?

LORETTA:

To see Mr. Hunt -- to tell him exactly what I think of him --

SIMON:

Under all the circumstances -- that would be something worth hearing -- I'll go with you.

LORETTA:

I don't care if you do.

SIMON:

A warm acceptance of my offer -- come along and why are you so angry with Mr. Hunt?

SFX:

STEPS....DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE..STEPS THRU BELOW

LORETTA:

He was supposed to meet me -- he didn't %u2014 I thought maybe maybe something had gone wrong -- maybe you still had the piggy or -- but nothing went wrong --

SIMON:

Well, that perhaps Is a fairly conservative statement %u2014

LORETTA:

Dear fat Mr. Hunt is either going to come across or I personally will see that his fat soul fries in --

SIMON:

Loretta, my dear, hush -- you may be speaking more accurately than you realize...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

Well, We're almost at Hunt's house -- Loretta, what was in the piggy bank? (BEAT) Loretta, what was in that envelope? (BEAT) Nice weather we're not having.

LORETTA:

Simon, stop --

SIMON:

Hmm?

LORETTA:

That's Hunt%u2019s house up ahead --

SIMON:

Aha %u2014

SOUND:

CAR SLOWS DOWN TO STOP

SIMON:

I like to say aha -- gives me an intellectual feeling --

LORETTA:

What's that police car doing in front of Hunt's house?

SIMON:

Dunno -- might be a cop trying to sell Hunt tickets to the next policemen's ball --

LORETTA:

Or it might be something else. Let's get out of here --

SIMON:

Very well --

BRENNER:

(FADING IN) Hey --

SIMON:

Ah -- the loud Mr. Brenner %u2014

BRENNER:

Lemme in --

SIMON:

Certainly --

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE...CAR IN MOTION

SIMON:

Mr. Brenner, you've been lurking.

BREIWER:

Never mind what I did -- the cops are thicker'n flies around Hunt's place --

SIMON:

We noticed that%u2014-

BRENNER:

They're lookin' for the guy who knocked off Hunt --

LORETTA:

(GASPS)

BRENNER Shut up.

SIMON:

Don't be rude, Brenner. She was gasping. That was to prove she's innocent of Hunt's death.

BRENNER:

Where is my car?

LORETTA:

Isn't this car --

SIMON:

This car is mine. It resembles very closely Mr. Brenner's car. Mr. Brenner was the gentleman you were supposed to leave the piggy bank with.

BRENNER:

Yeah -- you got in on this by mistake. Templar -- but I don't think knocking off Hunt was a mistake on your part -- what did you do with the envelope you took off of him?

SIMON:

I wouldn't take an envelope off of anybody?

BRENNER:

Why not?

SIMON:

Isn't grammatical.

BRENNER All right, wise guy -- where is it?

SIMON:

There are times when I'd like to have a few words with Mr. Colt -- if he hadn't manufactured so many of his ingenious little engines -- people wouldn't be pointing them at me --

BRENNER:

I want the envelope --

SIMON:

Loretta, you --

LORETTA:

A ringer -- and -- I think maybe Brenner's right %u2013

SIMON:

You mean -- you don't believe in me either?

LORETTA:

Where's the envelope?

SIMON:

Brenner stole it from Hunt's house.

BRENNER:

That's a lie- I was never in the dump %u2014

SIMON:

Ah well, I tried %u2014

BRENNER:

Hand it over. Templar --

SIMON:

Aren't you going to say -- or else? It's customary.

BRENNER:

You're askin' for bullets, mister --

SIMON:

Nonsense -- I'm alone with the pair of you in this car -- I can't possibly deprive you of the revolver, so -- ah -- would anybody care for a nutburger?

SOUND:

SCREECH OF TIRES

LORETTA:

(SCREAMS) Look out -- you're going to run into that drive-in --

BRENNER:

The guy's nuts --

SIMON:

Nuts about nutburgers --

SOUND:

CAR CRASHES.. SHATTER OF GLASS ETC... CAR DOOR OPEN AND , CLOSE...STEPS FADING

SIMON:

Loretta, must you -~ Brenner, please stay -- hmm --

SFX VOICES UP...STEPS IN

CARHOP:

Hey mister.

SIMON:

Hello.

CARHOP:

You have got a nerve drivin' right into the window --

SIMON:

Perhaps I have, but it doesn't compare with what you have, in that fetching uniform %u2014

CARHOP:

(GIGGLES)

SIMON:

And I was hungry --

CARHOP:

Oh well -- that window was getting awful dirty anyway -- what'll it be, mister?

SIMON:

A nutburger, please.

CARHOP:

Sure. Them two that was in the car with you -- they ran away. What's the matter? Don't they like nutburgers?

MUSIC:

TRANSITION....

SOUND:

NIGHT CLUB BG.. .MUSIC OFF. .VOICES ETC.. .STEPS

SIMON:

(HUMS)

SFX:

STEPS OUT

SIMON:

Hello.

FIDDLER:

Huh? Oh. You.

SIMON:

Don't take it so matter of factly. I've been in seventeen night clubs looking for you. Fiddler.

FIDDLER:

So now you found me, goodbye.

SIMON:

So now I found you, hello. Yes, I will sit down.

SFX:

SCRAPING OF CHAIR ETC

SIMON:

Fiddler, you have the unhappy appearance of a man who whose lost something*

FIDDLER:

Yeah?

SIMON:

Yes, and if things are running true to form -- Fiddler, lost a piggy bank recently?

FIDDLER:

So what?

SIMON:

So alas.

FIDDLER:

Don't worry. I know who swiped it off a me.

SIMON:

Who?

FIDDLER:

So I should tell you, so you should swipe it yaself?

SIMON:

So I don't like piggy banks -~ Fiddler, what are you going to do about the piggy bank?

FIDDLER:

I am gonna get it back, and I am gonna take care of the person who swiped it -"

SIMON:

You might run into more trouble than you think --

FIDDLER:

The Fiddler can take care of hisself, see. Like I always say %u2014

SIMON:

Here today and gone tomorrow?

FIDDLER:

Don't get so morbid -- I am gettin' outa here -- (FADING) Goodbye --

SIMON:

(UP) Fiddler, better be careful %u2014

FIDDLER:

(OFF) Yah -- somebody else better be careful -- goodbye

SFX:

DOOR OPEN.... HEAT

FIDDLER:

(SCREAM OF TERROR) No %u2014 no!

SOUND:

BULLETS INTO

MUS1C:

TRANSITION.......

SFX:

DIALING

SIMON:

Hello -- Ye Tiny Tots Toy Shoppey -- I want a piggy bank. Piggy bank -^I'm not talking baby talk %u2014 about ten inches long, five inches high, in pink mainly -- oh yes, a little blue tall painted on -- what? I think it curls to the right -- you have one like that? Splendid, I'll be right down for it. What %u2014 no, I don't want it for a tot -- I.want it for a murderer...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION.....

SFX:

DOORBELL....DOOR OPEN

LORETTA:

WHO %u2014 oh.

SIMON:

Oh. May I come in?

LORETTA:

No.

SIMON:

My dear Loretta, I promise you I'll be a. perfect gentlman --

LORETTA:

No.

SIMON:

Then I'll promise you I won't be a gentleman at all --

LORETTA No.

SIMON:

Hmm. Ah well, then I'll take junior away with me --

SFX:

RATTLE OF PIGGY BANK

LORETTA The piggy bank!

SIMON:

Yes.

LORETTA:

Come in.

SIMON:

Thank you.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSE

SIMON:

There must be something about that pig -- ummm --

LORETTA:

Excuse me for a second --

SIMON:

NO, my dear -- you're going for a gun --

LORETTA:

I want that piggy bank.

SIMON:

I didn't buy him for you.

LORETTA:

Buy him?

SIMON:

At the Tiny Tots Toy Shoppey.

LORETTA:

You're a comic.

SIMON:

At last, my true character has been revealed --

LORETTA:

I want that bank --

SIMON:

Why?

LORETTA:

Because --

BRENNER:

(OFF) Hello.

SIMON:

Ah, Mr. Brenner. As I always say, in memory of the dear departed Fiddler, if Loretta comes, can Brenner be far behind? Shelley.

BRENNER:

Did you say -- dear departed Fiddler?

SIMON:

Yes. Poor chap's dead. Thoughtless of him, but I warned him.

BRENNER:

I don't like that.

SIMON:

Neither did Fiddler, I suspect.

BRENNER:

Loretta --

LORETTA:

I didn't --

SIMON:

Let's talk of more pleasant things. Mr. Brenner, have you noticed the piggy bank clutched in my hot little hand --

BRENNER:

I ain't interested. I'm more interested in who knocked off Fiddler %u2014

LORETTA:

I don't like the way you're looking at me -- (FADES)

BRENNER:

I don't like what I'm thinkin' about you --

LORETTA:

(TRIUMPHANT) All right -- I've got a gun now too %u2014 and it's on you, Brenner %u2013Now drop it --

BRENNER:

Ok %u2014%u2014

SFX:

(THUD OF GUN)

SIMON:

Charming. The tables are reversed -- odd saying -- what table?

LORETTA:

Give me that bank, Templar.

SIMON:

Templar -- such formality -- tsk tsk. Before I do, Loretta, allow me to clear away a little mental fog. What has happened, so to speak, intrigues me. Through an unfortunate accident, due to the fact that modern cars all resemble each other, I became involved in this little affair. Originally however, it concerned the fat man Hunt, the Fiddler, Brenner here, and yourself.

LORETTA:

I know all that %u2013

SIMON:

But do I? I continue. Obviously, a pack of thieves. The central figure in the case -- the piggy bank that rattled. With what in it? Pennies? No. Jewels? Ah. Very fine idea. Hunt, and yourself Loretta, were jewel thieves. The Fiddler obviously a man you were selling the jewels to -- a fence, in other words. But in order to avoid being seen together -- Mr. Hunt hired Brenner here to act as go between. To get the bank from you, Loretta, turn it over to the Fiddler, who would give the money in a. fat envelope to Brenner, who then would turn the envelope over to Hunt. But something went wrong. Somebody killed Hunt, and took the envelope. Somebody then stole the piggy bank back from the Fiddler, and killed him. Hmmm. All clear and -- your piggy bank, my dear.

LORETTA:

Thank you, sir. I'll just make sure --

SFX:

BANK BUSTED

SIMON:

My, how brutally you broke little piggy --

LORETTA:

Wait a minute " Templar? This thing is filled with pebbles --

BRENNER:

Yeah and you turned your head, so --

SFX:

SCUFFLE

BRENNER:

So now I got the gun.

LORETTA:

(PANTING) Templar -- you're a crook --

SIMON:

My dear Loretta, that, coming from you, is an unfortunate epithet --

BRENNER:

I'm getting tired of this -- she knocked off Hunt and the Fiddler, Templar?

SIMON:

Certainly.

BRENNER:

Ok -- you throw her to the cops --

SIMON:

Won't you stay for the pleasant ceremony?

BRENNER:

The cops and me don't get along good together --

SIMON:

Oh. A valid point. But you'd better lend me the gun, Brenner -- I don't trust little Loretta --

BRENNER:

Ok, here --

SIMON:

Thank you %u2014 now to reverse the handy little gadget --

BRENNER:

Hey, what are you --

SIMON:

The better to conk you with -- (EFFORT)

SFX:

BLOW

BRENNER:

Ahh...

SFX:

THUD OF BODY

LORETTA:

You -- you knocked him out.

SIMON:

You're a very observant girl.

LORETTA:

BUT - but why?

SIMON:

Because, my dear, he murdered Hunt and the Fiddler %u2014 for heaven's sake, I didn't really confuse you, did I, and persuade you you had done it?

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

RESTAURANT BG

SIMON:

Mm. Fine roast beef.

LORETTA:

Simon, you're wonderful.

SIMON:

Mm, in a mild sort of way.

LORETTA:

HOW did you ever figure it out?

SIMON:

Two things. One, Brenner knew Hunt had been murdered. before the matter was public property. Only legitimate way he could have known was to visit Hunt, and be informed by the police. But he assured me himself that he'd never been to Hunt's place.

LORETTA And the other thing?

SIMON:

Whoever killed the Fiddler, had stolen the real piggy bank with the jewels in it. Therefore, that someone would not be interested in the piggy bank I bought at the Tiny Tots Shoppey. You were interested --

LORETTA:

Which meant I hadn't killed the Fiddler, and that left Brenner. .Simon, you're wonderful.

SIMON:

My dear, -as the late and highly unlamented Fiddler might always have said -- there is a time and place for all things. The time, I should judge, is right, but the place -- no. Therefore --

LORETTA:

Yes, Simon ...

SIMON:

Leave us, and I quote, get outa here.....

MUSIC:

CURTAIN