FIB:

Hey, Molly, you seen my hammer anyplace? I gotta have my hammer. You seen my hammer, with the--?

MOL:

No. No, dearie. Not since you laid it down last June. Where did you--?

FIB:

Ohhhh! I know! I put it right here in the hall closet.

MOL:

No, McGee, don't open that--!

SOUND:

CLOSET DOOR OPENS ... CONTENTS OF CLOSET CASCADE ONTO FLOOR AS MOLLY EXCLAIMS IN DISMAY ("Oh!") AND McGEE CURSES ("Dad-rat the dad-ratted--")

FIB:

...my hammer...

SOUND:

AFTER A LENGTHY AVALANCHE, THE LAST OF THE CONTENTS FALLS ... PUNCTUATED BY A TINY RINGING BELL

ANNCR:

Yes, it's Fibber McGee and Molly!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

ANNCR:

Every night, Monday through Friday, NBC brings you "The Fibber McGee and Molly Program," transcribed, written by Phil Leslie and directed by Max Hutto.

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP, FILLS A PAUSE, THEN OUT

ANNCR:

Meet the safe driver. If you know what makes him stay alive on the highways, you may be able to follow his good example. He's not too hard to find. You can always spot him by the way he drives. He shows courtesy for other drivers by signaling turns and giving them the benefit of any doubt. He knows that speed is his greatest enemy, so he slows down at night, in bad weather, in crowded traffic, and on narrow roads. He knows and obeys the laws written to help save his life. And, most important of all, he drives as though the country's highway accident problem is his personal problem, which it is. Remember -- few accidents happen with safe drivers. Are you one of them?

MUSIC:

TAG

SOUND:

JUNK BEING TOSSED BACK IN CLOSET BEHIND--

FIB:

(TO SELF) Uhhh, tackle box - (CLANK) Stuffed salmon. Gotta varnish that salmon one of these days. (THUD) Ah, my old mandolin. (CLANK) - Heh, and that's it! (CLOSE CLOSET DOOR) Hm - no hammer.

MOL:

(APPROACHES) I found it, dearie. Here it is, in the fruit bowl.

FIB:

Ohh, that's where I left my hammer? Gimme it, will ya? I got work to do today. I'm turnin' over a new leaf.

MOL:

With a hammer? What leaf, the one in the dining room table?

FIB:

I simply mean, my dear, that I have dedicated today to fixin' things. I'm gonna clean up all the little odd chores that you beg me to do around the house. Today!

MOL:

Well, hallelujah!

FIB:

You betcha. Oh, I'll admit that I've been kinda prone to put things off this summer.

MOL:

You've been kinda prone all summer - I'll admit that. In the hammock, mostly.

FIB:

Ah, but it's gonna be different from now on. You're talkin' to the new McGee, kiddo. A McGee that's full of pepper, energy, ambition, modesty, and a high sense of responsibility.

MOL:

Hmmmmm!

FIB:

The old McGee is gone.

MOL:

Well, get him back here - this new one scares me to death!

FIB:

(CHUCKLES) You'll love it. You know what I'm gonna do first?

MOL:

Rest awhile?

FIB:

Nope. The first thing I'm gonna do is hang Aunt Sarah's picture back up there on the wall where I took it down from, the time I had to pull the nail it was hung on, and used it to tighten the horns on my moosehead, when they come loose the night Uncle Dennis tried to chin hisself on 'em to prove he could, but he couldn't.

MOL:

(CHUCKLES) I remember that night. He tried so hard.

FIB:

One reason he couldn't chin hisself is on account of because he's got no chin.

MOL:

No.

FIB:

Oh, yeah. His lower lip slopes right into his collar. So hand me Aunt Sarah's picture off the piano there and I'll get busy--

SOUND:

DOOR CHIME

FIB:

Uh oh.

MOL:

Oh, dear; now it starts.

FIB:

Yeah.

MOL:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MOL:

Ohh, Doctor Gamble! Do come in, Doctor.

DOC:

Hiya, Molly! Hello, Sonny Boy.

FIB:

Well, well, well! If it isn't Doctor George Gamble, U. D.

DOC:

You mean "M. D."

FIB:

I mean "U. D.", the Undertaker's Delight.

MOL:

Oh, McGee! Pay no attention to him, Doctor.

DOC:

Oh, it's always a pleasure to see him again, Molly -- to listen to that sparkling, witty dialogue, from that brilliant mind of his!

FIB:

Aw, pshaw.

DOC:

I'd be a happy man if I had your brains, McGee--

FIB:

Thank you, Doctor.

DOC:

--in a jar of alcohol.

FIB:

Very amusing, Fatso, very amusing.

DOC:

(CHORTLES)

FIB:

But don't stand there, Lardbucket -- pull up a sofa and set a spell. Well, whadja do all summer, 'sides put on fifty pounds or so?

MOL:

Well, the doctor doesn't look any heavier to me, McGee. Are you, Doctor?

DOC:

No - as a matter of fact, Molly, I lost a few pounds this summer.

MOL:

Good for you!

DOC:

For a few days, that is. Found 'em later, though -- they'd slipped down into my vest.

MOL:

(CHUCKLES)

DOC:

(CHUCKLES)

FIB:

They're still there, too. Well, you kids go ahead and gab awhile - I got work to do here.

MOL:

He's cleaning up a few little chores for me, Doctor.

FIB:

Yep, first thing I gotta do is hang this picture of Molly's Aunt Sarah. (RATTLE OF PICTURE) Get a load of this chromo, will ya, Fatso? You ever see a puss like that?

DOC:

Well, I must say--

FIB:

Looks like somethin' a near-sighted duck hunter just shot a broom out from under, don't she?

MOL:

Now McGee, now don't start on Aunt Sarah.

FIB:

Oh, well--

DOC:

Well, she seems to be a very nice-looking woman, Molly.

FIB:

Ha!

DOC:

Shouldn't have had the picture taken when she wasn't well, though -- she's obviously in considerable pain.

FIB:

Pain? Why, she's smiling, Doc!

DOC:

Oh?

FIB:

Why, when she turns on her flashiest smile, looks like she's just gettin' rid of an olive pit!

DOC:

(CHORTLES)

FIB:

Boy, she's the type--

MOL:

Now, McGee, that's enough about Aunt Sarah!

FIB:

Okay.

MOL:

She's really a very sweet person, Doctor.

DOC:

That the wealthy aunt, is it?

FIB:

Oh, that's the one. Loaded. She's richer than cream gravy, healthy as a horse, and tighter than a bullfighter's pants! If Aunt Sarah can't take it with her, she'll hide it someplace, believe you me!

DOC:

(CHORTLES)

FIB:

Oh, you gotta go, Doc?

MOL:

Don't rush off, Doctor.

DOC:

Well, thanks, but I'd better get along, Molly. I've got to stop by and see a little orphan friend of mine.

FIB:

Oh?

DOC:

Promised to take her to a movie this afternoon.

MOL:

Ohhhh, isn't that nice! A little orphan.

DOC:

She's the cutest little thing you ever saw, Molly - and just as cheerful as can be.

FIB:

Well, well.

DOC:

No parents or anything - so I've been trying to brighten up her life a little bit.

FIB:

(GENUINELY MOVED) Well now, that's pretty darn swell of you, Doc.

MOL:

Yes, it is.

FIB:

Takin' time from your busy work to bring a little happiness to an orphan child. How old is she, Doc?

DOC:

Thirty-two - and a beauty! See you later, kids.

SOUND:

DOC'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH SHUTS

MOL:

(LAUGHS) Heavenly days! You don't suppose Cupid took a shot and hit the Doctor this summer?

FIB:

He couldn't shoot at him and miss, that's for sure! Hold this picture now, while I drive a nail here and-- Oh-oh!

MOL:

What's the matter?

FIB:

Aw, the hammer handle's loose. Set the picture down. (PIC SET DOWN) I'll run and get my toolbox out of the basement (FADING) and tighten this hammer handle....

MUSIC:

TOPS SCENE ... CURTAIN

ANNCR:

It once seemed that everyone in America was named Smith, Jones, or Brown -- but that was a long time ago, and the chances are quite good now that the next person you meet will be Mr. Cohen or Miss Perrotti or Mrs. Schumann. Perhaps because so many Americans have roots in the countries of the Old World, we're anxious to help those in Europe and Asia who are living in need -- or who are actually starving. That's where CARE comes in. For six dollars ninety-five cents, CARE delivers a new "Budget Food" package in fourteen European countries. Or for ten dollars, CARE delivers baby food, knitting yarn, or a pure wool blanket. If your name is Smith, Jones, or Brown and you don't know anyone in the war-ravaged countries, CARE will choose a needy family for you -- and you'll very likely hear from them after they have received your package. Just send ten dollars -- or six ninety-five -- to CARE, New York.

MUSIC:

TAG

SOUND:

RATTLE OF TOOLBOX AND ITS CONTENTS ... THEN IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

FIB:

(SINGS) "Oh, there was a little brook trout and he daydreamed by the hour. / He dreamed that he went fishing and caught Mr. Eisenhower." "Oh, the monkey and the--"

MOL:

McGee? Did you get the picture hung yet? Because--

FIB:

Not yet, Molly. I gotta tighten the hammer handle first.

MOL:

I thought ya did that. You said you had something in your toolbox to fix it with.

FIB:

Well, the toolbox lid's jammed. Lock's busted. I'll have to get my screwdriver and pry the lid off, so--

SOUND:

DOOR CHIME

FIB:

Uh oh.

MOL:

Hold everything, dearie.

FIB:

Yeah.

MOL:

(AMUSED) You know, this is getting to be just like Tuesday nights, you know that, don't you?

FIB:

Better be. (CALLS) Well, come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

MOL:

Oh, hello, Mr. Wimple.

FIB:

Oh, hi, Wimp! Come in, boy.

WIMP:

Hello, folks.

MOL:

We haven't seen you for months, Mr. Wimple. Have a nice summer?

WIMP:

Oh, just peachy, Mrs. McGee. Uh, Sweetie Face and I--

FIB:

Who, Wimp?

WIMP:

Sweetie Face. My big old wife.

FIB:

Oh.

WIMP:

Sweetie Face wanted to go to the seashore for the summer and I wanted to go to the mountains.

MOL:

(CHUCKLES)

WIMP:

We couldn't agree, so I said, "Dear--" I said, "I'll get a coin and flip you for it."

MOL:

Fair enough.

WIMP:

But she said, "No, Wallace, I'll flip you for it!" And she did. Flipped me over her shoulder and out the window, and I ran through the garage and down the alley and took a bus to Yellowstone National Park. It was lovely.

FIB:

Yeah, we've seen it.

MOL:

In newsreels. Did you see the geyser, Mr. Wimple?

WIMP:

Oh, yes, Old Face-Full Geyser. That's an amazing--

FIB:

No, Wallace, no. "Old Faith-ful," they call it. Not - not "Face-Full."

WIMP:

(BEAT) Did you ever lean over it when it went off, Mr. McGee?

FIB:

Hmm. Touché.

WIMP:

(CHUCKLES) My goodness, I got my whole face full of Old Faithful, all right! I-- Oh, but I almost forgot what I came by for.

FIB:

What?

WIMP:

Well, I wrote a sort of a "welcome back" poem for you and Mrs. McGee.

MOL:

A poem for us? Well now, isn't that nice, McGee?

FIB:

I dunno - I haven't heard it yet.

WIMP:

I'll read it to you.

FIB:

Hm.

WIMP:

I call it "Welcome Back to Mr. and Mrs. McGee Who are Going to be Heard over this Network every Night, Monday through Friday, Inclusive."

FIB:

That don't rhyme.

WIMP:

That was just the title, Mr. McGee. The poem goes:

Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. McGee.
Back again on NBC;
As I look ahead, it makes me shriek!
What'll you do five times a week?

MOL:

(LAUGHS)

WIMP:

Goodbye now.

MOL:

(CHUCKLES)

SOUND:

WIMP'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH SHUTS

FIB:

And then he walks out.

MOL:

You know, that's a pretty good question at that.

FIB:

Yeah. Well, maybe I can get back to work here now. Where was I?

MOL:

Well, you were about to hang Aunt Sarah's picture.

FIB:

Oh, yeah.

MOL:

But the hammer handle is loose, so you got the toolbox to get a metal wedge to tighten the hammer handle--

FIB:

Oh, yeah. (RAPIDLY) And the toolbox lid is stuck and I gotta have the screwdriver to pry it open to get the wedge to tighten the-- Okay, I'll take it from there, Tootsie.

MOL:

Good!

FIB:

(TO SELF) Now, let me see once. Where was I? Oh! Where'd I put that screwdriver? Screwdriver, screwdriver? Oh, I know! It's in the desk drawer, right where it's handy.

MOL:

Well, good luck with it, dearie. (MOVING OFF) I want to go put some potatoes on for dinner, so keep at it now, will you?

FIB:

Okay, Tootsie! (TO SELF) Ahhh, there goes a good kid! And lucky, too. (BEAT) I can't think just why she's so lucky, at the moment, but--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--

TEENY:

(BRIGHTLY) Hi, Mister! Hi! (GIGGLES) It's me, Teeny!

FIB:

Well! My gosh, Teeny. Come on in, Sis! Park the frame. Pull up an ottoman to rest your bottom on.

TEENY:

(GIGGLES) Gee, Mister, you haven't changed a bit, have you?

FIB:

Whatcha been doin', Sis? What's new? Gimme a rundown on the latest developments in the lollipop and hopscotch set.

TEENY:

Oh. Well-- I went to camp this summer.

FIB:

Mm hm?

TEENY:

Mm hm. And Willie Toops had the chicklepox -- and - uh - my littul dog Margaret, he had a kitten -- and--

FIB:

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo - hold it.

TEENY:

Hm?

FIB:

Your dog had what?

TEENY:

My littul dog, Margaret, he had a kitten--

FIB:

No, no, no, Teeny, you're - you're a little biologically confused here. Dogs don't have kittens.

TEENY:

My dog did, I betcha.

FIB:

What?

TEENY:

He had a littul bitty kitten up a telephone pole and he wouldn't let him down, so my daddy got a stick--

FIB:

Okay, okay, okay. How's school? Ya like it this year?

TEENY:

Oh sure. (GIGGLE) It's just wonnerful, mister.

FIB:

Mm hm.

TEENY:

We got a new teacher.

FIB:

Oh?

TEENY:

And her name is Miss Matthews--

FIB:

Oh, Miss Fidditch is gone, huh?

TEENY:

Yeah, and her name is Miss Matthews--

FIB:

Mm hm.

TEENY:

--and she's teachin' us all kinds of arts and crafts--

FIB:

Mm hm.

TEENY:

--like makin' baskets out of grass.

FIB:

Oh? Mm hm.

TEENY:

And makin' ashtrays with clay--

FIB:

Mm hm.

TEENY:

--and, uh, ohhh, all kinds of crafts.

FIB:

Well, that sounds mildly fascinating, Sis. What do you like best? Which craft?

TEENY:

Sure.

FIB:

Hm?

TEENY:

Yeah - that's the one I wanted to learn, but they don't teach that craft.

FIB:

Whattaya mean, they don't teach that craft? Don't teach which craft?

TEENY:

No, no, nooo.

FIB:

Huh?

TEENY:

No, I asked the teacher.

FIB:

I--

TEENY:

She said no.

FIB:

Well--

TEENY:

They don't teach it.

FIB:

Don't teach what?

TEENY:

What you said -- witchcraft!

FIB:

Aw, for the--

TEENY:

Miss Matthews says, "Now, children--" She says, "Now, children -- we're going to learn arts and crafts."

FIB:

Mm hm.

TEENY:

And she says, "What would you like to learn best, Teeny, which craft?"

FIB:

Mm hm.

TEENY:

And I said, "Yes, ma'am." And she said, "Answer the question," and I said, "I did." And she said, "Which craft?" And I said, "Yes, ma'am! Witchcraft, because if I could ride a broom--"

FIB:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Now - now, look, Sis, it's been very nice talking to you, but I got a little work to do here, so if you don't mind--

TEENY:

Oh, gee, I'd like to stay and help you, mister, but I have to go now.

FIB:

Mm hm.

TEENY:

I hafta meet my mama downtown. She's down at the saloon.

FIB:

Well, that's a-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Your mother's at the saloon?!

TEENY:

Mm hm. The Wistful Vista Saloon of Beauty. She's getting a haircut.

FIB:

(CHORTLES) Well, that's not "saloon," Teeny -- that's "salon," Sis.

TEENY:

So lon', Mister! (GIGGLES)

SOUND:

TEENY'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH SHUTS

FIB:

(TO SELF) Cute kid. (BEAT) But that ain't gettin' Aunt Sarah's picture hung! If I can just get this dad-ratted desk drawer open to get the screwdriver to pry the lid off the toolbox to get the thing to fix the hammer to hang the picture, I'll--

SOUND:

RATTLE OF LOCKED DESK DRAWER

FIB:

Awwww--

MOL:

(APPROACHES) McGee, did you hang that picture yet? Because--

FIB:

(WITH DISGUST) Ahhhh--

MOL:

Now what?

FIB:

Aw, the screwdriver I need to pry open the toolbox is in this desk drawer and look at it!

SOUND:

RATTLE OF LOCKED DESK DRAWER

FIB:

It's locked!

MOL:

Well, unlock it. Do you know where the key is?

FIB:

Yes.

MOL:

Where?

FIB:

In the toolbox.

MOL:

Ohhh, this is ridiculous!

FIB:

I'll say it 'tis.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... "THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE" ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNCR:

Fibber and Molly return in just a moment. You know, a lot of vacations start as a daydream and end as a daydream for lack of money. That needn't happen to you. You can have extra money when you need it. Simply join the Payroll Savings Plan for buying United States Savings Bonds. When your bonds mature, you'll get back four dollars for every three dollars you invest. There's your extra money -- your vacation -- both guaranteed! Ask your employer about buying United States Savings Bonds through the Payroll Savings Plan -- then join!

MUSIC:

FILLS A PAUSE ... "THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE" ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNCR:

Heard on tonight's transcribed program were Bill Thompson as Wallace Wimple and Arthur Q. Bryan as Doctor Gamble. The part of Teeny was played by - Teeny. And here are Fibber and Molly to say--

FIB:

Goodnight.

MOL:

Goodnight, all.

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN THEME IN BG

ANNCR:

This is John Wald reminding you that Fibber McGee and Molly will be back tomorrow night at this same time.

FIB:

Hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute -- whaddaye mean "tomorrow night"? You mean next week - we won't be back till next week--

ANNCR:

(MILDLY TOUGH) You just be here tomorrow, Buster, that's all. Same time.

FIB:

(COWED) Okay.

ANNCR:

(MORE PLEASANT) Goodnight.

MUSIC:

THEME ... UP TO FILL ... THEN FADES OUT

NBC ANNCR:

Hear "Can You Top This?" tonight on the NBC Radio Network.

MUSIC:

NBC CHIMES