ANNOUNCER:

It's time for MY FAVORITE HUSBAND, starring Lucille Ball.

BALL:

(CHEERFUL GREETING) Jell-O, everybody!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's the gay family series, starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, transcribed and brought to you by the Jell-O family of red-letter desserts.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

Oooooh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O!

WOMAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O puddings.

MAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O tap-pioca puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Lucille Ball with Richard Denning as Liz and George Cooper -- two people who live together, and like it.

MUSIC:

BOUNCY INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

And now let's look in on the Coopers. Tonight we're going to ask you to go back with us to an evening two weeks ago. George and Liz are entertaining George's boss, Mr. Atterbury, and his wife Iris. Dinner is over and the group has just settled down in the living room.

GEORGE:

(SIGHS) Gee, that was a delicious dinner, Liz.

LIZ:

(AFFECTIONATELY) Ahhhh, thank you, honey baby doll. That's why I love you -- because you say such sweet things to me. Give me a kiss. (SNUGGLES UP TO HIM) Mmmmmm--

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) All right.

LIZ:

(WITH INCREASING PLEASURE) --Mmmmmmmmmm-- (SEGUES INTO SUPPRESSED CHUCKLING) --Hm mm mm. ...

ATTERBURY:

(GROANS WITH DISGUST) ... What a disgusting exhibition. ...

IRIS:

It is not, Rudolph. You should try acting like that.

ATTERBURY:

All right. (MISCHIEVOUS) Come here, Liz. ...

IRIS:

Not with her.

ATTERBURY:

Oh.

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry if I overdid it, Mr. Atterbury, but I'm feeling mellow toward George tonight. He promised to buy me the Easter hat I want.

IRIS:

Easter? Is it almost Easter time again?

LIZ:

Of course, Iris. It's a week from tomorrow.

IRIS:

I didn't know that!

LIZ:

Didn't know it? How could you miss all the ads?

IRIS:

(REALIZES) So that's what's been cut out of our paper before I get to it! ...

ATTERBURY:

(STARTS TO EXPLAIN) Lotus Bud-- ...

IRIS:

(DRY, TO LIZ) Tell me, girl -- has Christmas been here yet? ...

ATTERBURY:

(IRONIC) Oh, you're a scream. (EARNEST) George? Did you actually promise to buy Liz an Easter hat?

GEORGE:

Well, sure.

ATTERBURY:

Without putting up a struggle?

GEORGE:

Yes.

ATTERBURY:

You're something of an idiot, aren't you, boy? ...

GEORGE:

Well, but what's the harm in buying a little hat?

ATTERBURY:

When you've been married as long as I have, you'll know that a woman can parlay a bonnet into a whole spring wardrobe.

GEORGE:

Liz, is that true?

LIZ:

Absolutely not. Although, come to think of it, the straw hat I picked out won't go with my last year's outfit at all.

ATTERBURY:

I rest my case. ...

GEORGE:

Sorry, Liz, I'm not going to get stung for a whole outfit.

LIZ:

But, George, what am I gonna wear in the Easter parade?

GEORGE:

A new hat -- and that's all!

LIZ:

Well, all right, but I'm liable to collect a crowd. ...

ATTERBURY:

(DIRTY-MINDED) Yeeeaaahhhh. She'll really be the grandest lady in the Easter parade. ...

LIZ:

Iris, what's happened? When George and I were first married I got a complete new outfit every Easter.

IRIS:

So did I, girl.

LIZ:

George used to say he liked to show off my cute little figure.

IRIS:

So did Rudolph.

LIZ:

Whatever happened to those husbands?

ATTERBURY:

The same thing that happened to those cute little figures. ... [APPLAUSE FOR THE JOKE]

LIZ:

(OFFENDED) What?!

IRIS:

(A WARNING) Rudolph--

GEORGE:

(HIGHLY AMUSED) Ha ha ha! Touch?, Mr. Atterbury!

LIZ:

What do you mean? What happened to our figures? I'll have you know I can still wear a Size Twelve. (NO RESPONSE) ...

IRIS:

Me, too.

ATTERBURY:

Iris, Liz isn't talking about her shoe size. ...

IRIS:

Neither am I!

LIZ:

I have exactly the same measurements as the day George and I were married.

GEORGE:

(DIPLOMATIC) Oh, now let's face it, honey. We've all put on a little weight in the interim. ...

ATTERBURY:

That's not the only place. ...

LIZ:

Just never mind. George, do you remember that blue dress I had the first Easter we were married?

GEORGE:

Yeah.

LIZ:

Well, I still have it and I'm going up right now and put it on and it'll fit perfectly, too!

GEORGE:

Oh, Liz, it doesn't matter--

LIZ:

(INSISTENT) I'll show you! Come on, Iris.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

RUMMAGING ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

LIZ:

I know that dress is here somepl-- Oh, here it is.

IRIS:

(LAUGHS WILDLY) Look at the cut of it, Liz!

LIZ:

Yeah, it's been up here so long it's back in style again. ...

IRIS:

You know, you're right.

LIZ:

The idea of George thinking I couldn't get into this dress! See how easily it slips down over my shoulders? And down over my waist. And down over my-- (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) Mmph! ... Down over my-- (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) Mmmmmmm! ... Down over my-- (WITH EFFORT) Mm--!

IRIS:

What's the matter, girl?

LIZ:

I've hit a snag. ...

IRIS:

(AMUSED) Ye-ah.

LIZ:

Never mind. The dress has shrunk, that's all.

IRIS:

Girl, this is Iris. Save that propaganda for the boys. ... Admit it, you've put on weight in the hips.

LIZ:

I prefer to think of it as a little avoirdupois on the back of my lap. ...

IRIS:

Well, whatever you call it, it's still in the way. ... The dress won't come down over your hips.

LIZ:

Look, maybe if you pull on the bottom of the skirt and I hold my breath, we can do it.

IRIS:

Well, all right, girl. I'll try.

LIZ:

Okay, pull.

IRIS:

(STRAINS WITH EFFORT) Mmmmmmmmm!

LIZ:

Pull some more.

IRIS:

(WITH EFFORT) I'mmmmmm -- pulling. It's too bad we don't have a big shoehorn. ... (WITH EFFORT) Mmmmmm-- Hold your breath! (GROANS WITH MORE EFFORT UNTIL--) There!

LIZ:

Whew! I did it. Come on, let's go down and show George.

IRIS:

Hold it, girl!

LIZ:

What's the matter?

IRIS:

You have a bad case of gap-osis. ...

LIZ:

Huh?

IRIS:

You aren't zipped up the side.

LIZ:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh, I thought it was too easy. Zip me up, please.

IRIS:

Okay. (BEAT) Ehhh, there's something in the way. ...

LIZ:

What?

IRIS:

You! ... Hold your breath again.

LIZ:

Okay. (HOLDS BREATH)

IRIS:

(WITH EFFORT) Mmmmm-- There! We made it. Now don't dare exhale until we go down and show you to the boys! Come on.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

ATTERBURY:

George boy, what's taking the girls so long up there?

GEORGE:

Oh, who knows?

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS, OFF

IRIS:

(OFF) Here we are!

GEORGE:

(ASTONISHED) Liz! My gosh, you made it. You got into that dress!

ATTERBURY:

She's got you, boy.

GEORGE:

Oh, I'm amazed. I never thought you could do it. Did you have any trouble, Liz?

LIZ:

(NO ANSWER) ...

IRIS:

(CHIMES IN HELPFULLY) No, no -- it was a cinch!

GEORGE:

Gee, how long's it been since you wore that, Liz?

LIZ:

(NO ANSWER)

IRIS:

(CHIMES IN AGAIN) Er, ten years!

ATTERBURY:

(DRY) Well! Liz's voice has changed. ...

GEORGE:

Liz, is something wrong?

LIZ:

(BEAT, THEN QUIET AND SQUEAKY, TRYING NOT TO EXHALE) No. ...

GEORGE:

Are you holding your breath?

LIZ:

(QUIET AND SQUEAKY) No. ...

GEORGE:

I might have known.

ATTERBURY:

Gad, look at her face! ... I've never seen such an interesting shade of blue. ...

IRIS:

(QUICKLY) Okay, she's in the dress, George. I guess she proved her point. Come on, Liz, let's go take it off.

GEORGE:

(FEIGNS ADMIRATION TO DELAY THEIR EXIT) No, wait! I want to look at Liz some more. I think it's - it's remarkable that she hasn't gained an ounce in ten years.

IRIS:

(QUICKLY) Er, yes. Come on, Liz!

ATTERBURY:

(NO) Uh-uh-uh! (MISCHIEVOUS) You keep out of this, Lotus Bud. ...

GEORGE:

Uh, you're sure you're not holding your breath, Liz?

LIZ:

(QUIET AND SQUEAKY) No. ...

IRIS:

Well, let's go!

GEORGE:

No! No, no, no, stick around, Liz. I want to admire you in that dress. (LOVINGLY) Oh, just stand there and let me look at you.

IRIS:

(TO HERSELF) Oh, dear. ...

LIZ:

(EXHALES HEAVILY THROUGH HER LIPS)

SOUND:

IMPROBABLY LOUD RIP! OF DRESS TEARING AT THE SEAMS

LIZ:

(UNHAPPY) Hmm, cheap material. ...

GEORGE:

Well, Liz, I guess you'll have to admit you've gained a little weight.

LIZ:

Well--

ATTERBURY:

(STILL MISCHIEVOUS) Ah, too bad, girls. George and I had just decided if you actually had the same figures you did ten years ago, we were going to buy you both new Easter outfits.

LIZ:

You were?

IRIS:

You were?

GEORGE:

We were?! (RECOVERS, PLAYS ALONG) Oh! Oh. Oh, yes. We were. ...

ATTERBURY:

Well, too bad. Better luck next Easter.

IRIS:

(DISAPPOINTED) Ohhhh, nuts. ...

LIZ:

Wait a minute! It's still a deal!

GEORGE:

What do you mean?

LIZ:

There's still time. If Iris and I reduce until we have those measurements again, can we have new Easter outfits?

IRIS:

(LIKES THE IDEA) Yeah!

LIZ:

(TO GEORGE & ATTERBURY, EAGER) Well, can we?

IRIS:

(THE SAME) Huh?

ATTERBURY:

(AGREEABLE) I guess we're in for it, George. But let's get a few things straight. Just what size do you girls plan to diet back to?

LIZ:

Twelve!

ATTERBURY:

Iris, how 'bout you?

IRIS:

Uhhhh, twenty-four. ...

ATTERBURY:

Now just a minute, Lotus Bud. You said you used to wear a Twelve, too.

IRIS:

Er-- Twelve times two; that's twenty-four! ...

ATTERBURY:

Iris, either you get down to a Twelve or the deal's off.

IRIS:

All right, all right.

LIZ:

We'll go down to Miller's first thing tomorrow and have them put aside two Size Twelve suits.

GEORGE:

Yeah, and we'll go along to see that they really put aside Size Twelves.

LIZ:

Yeah, well, I'm glad you trust us.

IRIS:

And first thing tomorrow we start eating watercress sandwiches. (WITH DISGUST) Yeesh. ...

LIZ:

(LAUGHS) Iris, I just thought of something!

IRIS:

What's that, girl?

LIZ:

If we get down to Size Twelve again, we'll be so gorgeous we won't have to look for new suits -- we can look for new men! (LAUGHS HEARTILY)

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

2ND ANNCR:

Well, say, speaking of men, you can make the men in your family happy tomorrow if you top off that Easter dinner with a grand and glorious Jell-O chocolate pie for dessert. Velvety rich and creamy, extra-extra chocolatey good, thanks to that exclusive Walter Baker chocolate blend. The easy recipe is on every package of Jell-O Chocolate Pudding and Pie Filling. Just add milk and it takes about five minutes to cook. You'll find other exciting new recipes there, too, such as Chocolate Banana Fluff and cool, refreshing Chocolate Mint Pudding; all of 'em quick and easy, all of 'em with that just-right flavor blend that suits everybody's tastes. All three Jell-O Puddings and Pie Fillings make wonderful puddings; make perfect pies: chocolate, butterscotch, and vanilla. They're creamy smooth, they're rich and velvety, they're easy as pie to fix, and all three gay new packages have delicious recipes on them that you'll certainly want to try. Your folks'll love 'em. So whether you want pudding or whether you want pie, it's Jell-O Puddings and Pie Fillings for the best in both. Yes, Jell-O Puddings and Pie Fillings for red-letter desserts.

MUSIC:

HORNS PLAY LONG NOTE BEHIND--

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Ohhhh!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to Lucille Ball in MY FAVORITE HUSBAND.

MUSIC:

THEME FOR INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

As we look in on the Coopers once again, we find them with the Atterburys in Miller's department store.

SOUND:

DEPARTMENT STORE BACKGROUND

LIZ:

I think the suits are over this way, Iris.

IRIS:

I believe you're right, girl.

ATTERBURY:

Why don't we go this other way? It's much shorter.

LIZ:

Shorter? That takes us all the way through the lingerie department.

ATTERBURY:

(DIRTY-MINDED) I know. ...

GEORGE:

Yeah! Let's go that way.

LIZ:

(AS SHE SLAPS GEORGE ON THE ARM) Never mind, George! ...

ATTERBURY:

(CHUCKLES) You know, they have the cutest models around here. (PLAYFUL, TO A MODEL) Yoo-hoo ooh-hoo! ...

LIZ:

Mr. Atterbury, you're wasting your time winking at that girl.

ATTERBURY:

Oh? Am I?

IRIS:

Yes, Rudolph.

LIZ:

If you pinch her, all you'll get is wax in your nails. ... She's a dummy.

IRIS:

Well, it takes one to know one. ...

ATTERBURY:

(MUMBLES UNHAPPILY TO HIMSELF) Takes one to know one.

SALESGIRL:

Good afternoon. May I help you?

LIZ:

Yes. We'd like to look at some suits.

SALESGIRL:

Very well. What size?

LIZ:

Twelve.

SALESGIRL:

All right, I'll see what-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Twelve?! ...

LIZ:

(MILDLY OFFENDED) Yes. Twelve.

SALESGIRL:

Oh? For your daughter?

GEORGE:

(LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY) ...

LIZ:

Never mind, George. (TO SALESGIRL) No, miss. The suit happens to be for me.

SALESGIRL:

(DOUBTFUL) Ohhhh.

IRIS:

I want a Size Twelve, too.

SALESGIRL:

(DISBELIEF, SQUEAKILY SUPPRESSING A LAUGH) You?!

ATTERBURY:

(LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY) ...

IRIS:

You shut up, Rudolph! ...

LIZ:

(CALMLY, TO SALESGIRL) Just show us the suits. We'll diet down to fit them.

SALESGIRL:

(SLIGHTLY SARCASTIC) Step this way, dreamers. (CHEERFUL) We have some of our nicest suits right here on the rack.

LIZ:

Oh, this one is just wonderful! Look, Iris. Navy, with a touch of white on the collar.

IRIS:

(IMPRESSED) Oooh, yeah. Well, let's do the next one. (SEES NEXT DRESS) Oh! That's for me! Perfect!

SALESGIRL:

Okay, I'll write it up.

LIZ:

Uh, well, we can't take them until they fit us.

SALESGIRL:

(SARDONIC) There goes my commission. ...

LIZ:

Just write it up and put them aside.

SALESGIRL:

(MOVING OFF) Well, step over here and I'll make out a sales slip.

LIZ:

(MOVING OFF) Oooh, isn't this exciting, Iris?

IRIS:

(MOVING OFF, CHUCKLING GIDDILY) Yes!

ATTERBURY:

Isn't it strange, boy? They're never so happy as when they're spending our hard-earned money.

GEORGE:

(AGREES) Mmm. Incidentally, how much of our precious cabbage will this be?

ATTERBURY:

Oh, I don't know. Look at the price tag.

GEORGE:

Okay. (PICKS UP TAG) Well, not - not too bad. Thirteen-fifty.

ATTERBURY:

(PUZZLED) Let me see that. (BEAT, GRIM) Look again, boy. That's a hundred and thirty-five. ...

GEORGE:

For a suit?!

ATTERBURY:

Gad. It at least ought to have two pair of pants! ...

GEORGE:

Well, I can't stand a price like that. I - I'd better go and tell Liz the deal's off.

ATTERBURY:

Well, now, wait. Wait, wait, boy. (WITH CERTAINTY) We'll never have to buy those suits.

GEORGE:

We won't?

ATTERBURY:

No, no. Here are two suits Size Ten. We'll put the Size Twelve tags on them. (CHUCKLES)

GEORGE:

Mr. Atterbury, you're a genius. There's no chance of our getting stung!

ATTERBURY:

No, no. (CHUCKLES) Size Ten! Iris couldn't even get her arm through the neck hole!

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) ... (LOW) Ah, jiggers, here they come.

LIZ:

(APPROACHES) Okay, George, it's all set. Now all we have to do is make the weight.

GEORGE:

(FEIGNS INNOCENCE) Uh, how much is this going to cost me, Liz?

LIZ:

(RELUCTANT) Uh, I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. It's a hundred and thirty-five dollars.

GEORGE:

(FEIGNS UNCONCERN) Oh, is that all?

LIZ:

(BEAT, SHARPLY) Who said that?! ...

IRIS:

(WARILY) Uh, mine's a hundred and fifty.

ATTERBURY:

Very reasonable.

GEORGE & ATTERBURY:

(CHORTLE GLEEFULLY) ...

LIZ:

Ohhhh, I get it. They don't think we'll be able to do it.

IRIS:

Well, we'll show them.

LIZ:

Yeah, come on, Iris, we'll start our diet right now.

IRIS:

But it's four o'clock.

LIZ:

Well, let's go someplace and not have tea.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

ATTERBURY:

George boy, I'm certainly glad you invited us over to dinner. For a week now Iris hasn't served anything but her diet food.

GEORGE:

Oh, at your house, too?

ATTERBURY:

(GROANS) I've eaten so many carrots, I'm beginning to whistle at rabbits instead of women. ...

GEORGE:

Have you lost weight?

ATTERBURY:

Three times last night I stood up and my pants stayed sitting down. ...

GEORGE:

I wish they'd hurry with dinner.

ATTERBURY:

Oh! Here they come. (BEAT, PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Well! Looks like they're starting off with hors d'oeuvres. Oh, this should be some meal!

LIZ:

(APPROACHES) I'm sorry we took so long fixing dinner, fellas.

IRIS:

Oh, I'll bet you boys are starved.

ATTERBURY:

I'll say.

LIZ:

Here, Mr. Atterbury, have a piece of celery.

ATTERBURY:

Oh, thanks.

SOUND:

ATTERBURY CHEWS CELERY

LIZ:

George?

GEORGE:

Oh, thanks.

SOUND:

GEORGE CHEWS CELERY

LIZ:

One for me -- and one for Iris.

SOUND:

EVERYBODY CHEWS CELERY ... THEN IN BG

ATTERBURY:

Mm.

IRIS:

Mmm. Good.

LIZ:

(YES) Mm hm.

SOUND:

ALL CHEWING STOPS

IRIS:

(SWALLOWS LAST BIT OF CELERY; THEN QUICKLY) Well, Liz, that was a fine dinner!

LIZ:

Thanks! ...

ATTERBURY:

(EXTRAVAGANTLY DISMAYED EXCLAMATION) Ohhh, gad! ...

GEORGE:

(INCREDULOUS) Are you kidding, Liz?

LIZ:

Certainly not. This is the way we lose weight. How much have you lost, Iris?

IRIS:

Fourteen pounds.

LIZ:

Ohhhh, I've only lost twelve. Well, come on, dinner's over, let's do the dish. ...

IRIS:

(MOVING OFF) Really, the housework's easier this way, isn't it?

LIZ:

(MOVING OFF) I'll say.

ATTERBURY:

(LOW, GRIM) George? I'm getting worried.

GEORGE:

Yeah, so am I. If they lost that much weight, we're in trouble, even with those Size Ten suits.

ATTERBURY:

We better go back this afternoon and switch them again. They'll never make it down to a Size Eight!

GEORGE:

(AGREES) Mmm.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

MALT SHOP BACKGROUND ... GLASSES AND UTENSILS CLINK, ET CETERA

IRIS:

Liz, why on earth did you have me meet you here in the malt shop? Are you trying to torture me?

LIZ:

No, no -- I've got a plan. You said last night you lost fourteen pounds, right?

IRIS:

Yeah.

LIZ:

You didn't lose half that much, did you?

IRIS:

No.

LIZ:

How much did you lose?

IRIS:

Three-quarters. ...

LIZ:

Three-quarters of fourteen?

IRIS:

No! Three-quarters of a pound. ... How much did you lose?

LIZ:

(UNHAPPY) I gained a pound. ...

IRIS:

How come?

LIZ:

I don't know, but by the time we lose enough to wear those suits, we'll have to be wheeled in the Easter parade. ...

IRIS:

So?

LIZ:

So I called that salesgirl at Miller's this morning and I made a deal with her. She'll switch the suits to a Size Fourteen and put the Size Twelve tags on them.

IRIS:

Ohhhhhh, Liz, you're a genius!

LIZ:

(LAUGHS)

IRIS:

(LAUGHS) Let's order something gooey right now! ...

LIZ:

I already did. I ordered two double fudge sundaes -- smothered in whipped cream, nuts, and cherries.

IRIS:

Oooh, I can hardly wait!

LIZ:

Those are for me; what do you want? ...

IRIS:

The same.

LIZ:

(CALLS) Waiter! Double up on those sundaes and give me a milkshake while I'm waiting!

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

DEPARTMENT STORE BACKGROUND

MANAGER:

Miss Evans, could I see you a minute?

SALESGIRL:

(APPROACHES) What is it, Mr. Morgan? I was just going out to lunch.

MANAGER:

Keep your eyes open. There's been another outbreak of shoplifting in the dress and suit departments.

SALESGIRL:

I haven't seen a thing.

MANAGER:

I don't wonder. Their technique is to put the clothes on under their own dresses and walk out that way.

SALESGIRL:

(SCANDALIZED) Ohhh!

MANAGER:

Well, you run along. I'll keep an eye on your department while you're gone.

SOUND:

BACKGROUND UP BRIEFLY TO FILL A PAUSE ... THEN IN BG

LIZ:

(APPROACHES) Pardon me, I'm looking for the salesgirl who waited on me. Miss Evans, I think her name was.

MANAGER:

Well, I'm sorry, she's out to lunch. Can someone else help you?

LIZ:

Uh, no, thanks. We'll just look around by ourselves.

MANAGER:

(AGREES) Ah.

LIZ:

(HUMS TO HERSELF AS SHE PRETENDS TO EXAMINE DRESSES; THEN, LOW) Is he gone, Iris?

IRIS:

Yeah.

LIZ:

Good. Then let's grab two Size Fourteen suits and see if they fit us.

IRIS:

Okay. ... Here are the Fourteens.

LIZ:

Good. Now let's go in the dressing room.

SOUND:

DRESSING ROOM DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

LIZ:

These ought to fit us easy.

IRIS:

Oh, sure.

LIZ:

I'll just slip this skirt on and-- (STRAINS WITH EFFORT) Mmmm! Then the jacket. And I'll button it up.

IRIS:

I think we can - (WITH GREAT EFFORT) - get into these! ...

LIZ:

(DISMAYED) Oh, dear! Look at me, Iris.

IRIS:

It is skintight, isn't it?

LIZ:

It's tighter than that; I can move in my skin. ... How does yours fit?

IRIS:

(BEAT, UNHAPPY) Which way are the Sixteens? ...

LIZ:

(RESIGNED) Well, come on, let's go out and try them.

SOUND:

DRESSING ROOM DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

I wonder if they have a navy blue tent with a white collar. ...

IRIS:

The Sixteens should be right along here.

LIZ:

(HORRIFIED GASP)

IRIS:

What's the matter, girl? Did you see yourself in the mirror? ...

LIZ:

(LOW) No. Look over there. George and Mr. Atterbury.

IRIS:

So what?

LIZ:

So do you want them to find us in these suits? They'll know what we're up to.

IRIS:

Oh, you're right, girl. What'll we do?

LIZ:

They saw us. Quick, back into the dressing room.

IRIS:

Okay.

SOUND:

DRESSING ROOM DOOR CLOSES

LIZ:

We gotta get out of these clothes.

IRIS:

We don't have time!

SOUND:

KNOCK AT DOOR

ATTERBURY:

(BEHIND DOOR, STERN) Iris, come out here!

GEORGE:

(THE SAME) Liz, I want to see you right now!

LIZ:

(WHISPERS, TO IRIS) We don't have time to change!

IRIS:

What'll we do?

LIZ:

We'll have to put our dresses on right over these suits. ...

ATTERBURY:

(BEHIND DOOR, STERN) I'll give you three, Iris!

GEORGE:

(THE SAME) That goes for you, too, Liz!

LIZ:

(CALLS) Just a second! (WHISPERS) Are you ready, Iris?

IRIS:

Wait a minute. (GRUNT) Okay.

LIZ:

I feel bulgier than ever. ... Well, here goes.

SOUND:

DRESSING ROOM DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

(CHEERFUL) Hi, George!

IRIS:

(THE SAME) Rudolph!

ATTERBURY:

What are you two doing here?!

LIZ:

Uh--

IRIS:

Uh--

MANAGER:

(SUDDENLY INTERRUPTS) I'll bet I know! ...

ATTERBURY:

What?

GEORGE:

Who are you?

MANAGER:

I'm the manager! These women are shoplifters!

LIZ:

Shoplifters?!

IRIS:

What?!

ATTERBURY:

(ANGRY) Now just a minute! I'm Rudolph Atterbury, president of the Sheridan Falls National Bank and--

MANAGER:

Er, just a moment, Mr. Atterbury, before you blow your top. (HIGHLY INSINUATING) Do you know what those women have on under their dresses? (NO ANSWER) ...

ATTERBURY:

(PUZZLED) No. Do you? ...

MANAGER:

I certainly do.

ATTERBURY:

(SHOCKED) What?!

GEORGE:

(SHOCKED) What?!

MANAGER:

Well, it's an old gag. They put new merchandise on under their dress and walk out with it.

ATTERBURY:

Preposterous! Isn't it, Iris? (NO ANSWER) ...

GEORGE:

Isn't it, Liz?

SOUND:

NO ANSWER ... LIZ, IRIS, GEORGE, AND ATTERBURY START WHISPERING AND SPEAKING LOW AMONG THEMSELVES

ATTERBURY:

Are you girls out of your heads? Have you really got stolen merchandise on?

IRIS:

Well, sort of.

ATTERBURY:

(EXPLODES) Oh, gad! ...

GEORGE:

Sssssh sh sh sh!

ATTERBURY:

(WHISPERS AGAIN) Oh, gad! ...

LIZ:

Look, we can explain, really. Just get us out of this.

GEORGE:

(GETS AN IDEA) Wait a minute, Mr. Atterbury. Listen-- (WHISPERS INDECIPHERABLY)

ATTERBURY:

Genius! Genius. (TO LIZ AND IRIS) Look, girls, if we get you out of this, will you forget about the Easter suits?

LIZ:

No! That's not fair!

IRIS:

Absolutely not!

SOUND:

MORE WHISPERING

MANAGER:

(IMPATIENT) That's enough of that whispering! Say, what's your connection with these women anyway, Mr. Atterbury?

ATTERBURY:

(BEAT, GRIM) I never saw them before in my life. ...

LIZ & IRIS:

What?!

GEORGE:

(PLAYING ALONG MISCHIEVOUSLY) Neither did I. Ah, they look like shady characters to me.

IRIS:

(DEEPLY OFFENDED, TO MANAGER) Never saw us before! Listen, this big fat tub of lard--!

LIZ:

(INTERRUPTS, COOLLY) Wait, Iris.

ATTERBURY:

(INCREDULOUS, OFFENDED) Tub?! ...

LIZ:

Let me tell, Iris. (TO MANAGER) We are shoplifters.

ATTERBURY:

What?!

GEORGE:

What?!

IRIS:

What?!

LIZ:

(LIKE A MOVIE GANGSTER'S MOLL) I'm tired of doin' all the dirty work for these masterminds.

MANAGER:

Masterminds?

LIZ:

Sure. Fagin Atterbury and Blackie Cooper. They made us pose as their wives while they trained us. First, it was picking pockets. We got pretty good.

IRIS:

(PLAYING ALONG EARNESTLY) Yeah!

LIZ:

Yeah. ...

IRIS:

Do you remember that cute little baby kangaroo you picked up at the zoo?

LIZ:

Yeah, his mother never felt a thing. ...

IRIS:

Then we worked on bigger and bigger things -- until one day at a carnival, Liz made me a dare.

LIZ:

She did it, too. But the next three months were misery, trying to hide out with a hot merry-go-round on our hands. ...

ATTERBURY:

Now that's enough! Iris, Liz -- are you going to tell the truth or not?

LIZ:

(BROADLY) Why, Fagin, we're telling the truth -- raise my right hand and hope to have a new Easter outfit, including gloves, shoes, and hat.

IRIS:

That goes double for me.

ATTERBURY:

(LOW) What do you say, George?

GEORGE:

We're stuck.

ATTERBURY:

(MOANS AGREEMENT, THEN GROVELS AWKWARDLY) Mr. Manager -- my good fellow -- will you forget this incident if we buy each of the girls a whole new outfit?

MANAGER:

(CONSIDERS) Well--

IRIS:

How about two Easter outfits each?

LIZ:

How about three? Make it four!

ATTERBURY:

(EXPLODES) Oh, shut up! ...

MANAGER:

(FIRMLY) Two outfits and it's a deal.

ATTERBURY:

(IN SHOCK) Two outfits and--?

GEORGE:

(GROANS AS IF WOUNDED)

ATTERBURY:

(RESIGNED) Okay.

MANAGER:

Yeah, I suggest you choose them from this department over here where we keep our more expensive suits.

LIZ:

(TRIUMPHANT LAUGH!) Happy Easter, Iris!

LIZ & IRIS:

(LAUGH & GIGGLE HEARTILY)

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... QUOTES IRVING BERLIN'S "EASTER PARADE"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN ALL FADES OUT FOR--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

FEMALE:

Just right!

MALE:

Yes, friend!

2ND MALE:

Just right!

2ND FEMALE:

Yes, friend!

SINGERS:

That glorious just-right flavor blend
Of Jell-O Chocolate Pudding!

MUSIC:

OUT

2ND ANNCR:

And that glorious, just-right flavor blend makes grand and glorious chocolate pie, too. So extra-extra chocolatey rich, you'll say you never tasted anything better. All three Jell-O Puddings and Pie Fillings make wonderful pies: chocolate, butterscotch, and vanilla. You'll find recipes on the gay new packages for Chocolate Meringue Pie and Butterscotch Pecan Pie and fluffy rich Vanilla Banana Pie. And you'll find lots of exciting pudding treats, too. All delicious, all quick and easy, 'cause with Jell-O Puddings and Pie Fillings you just add milk and they take about five minutes to cook to velvety-smooth perfection. You better stock up on all three flavors first thing next Monday, 'cause it's Jell-O Puddings and Pie Fillings for red-letter desserts.

MUSIC:

THEME ... FADES IN, THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER, OUT AT [X]--

ANNOUNCER:

You have been listening to MY FAVORITE HUSBAND, starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, and based on characters created by Isabel Scott Rorick. Tonight's transcribed program was produced and directed by Jess Oppenheimer who wrote the script with Madeleine Pugh and Bob Carroll, Jr. Original music was composed by Marlin Skiles and conducted by Wilbur Hatch. The parts of Mr. and Mrs. Atterbury were played by Gale Gordon and Bea Benaderet. Others in the cast were Frank Nelson and Shirley Mitchell. [X] Be sure to watch for Lucille Ball as the hilarious cosmetic dealer in Columbia's picture "The Fuller Brush Girl."

WOMAN:

Does coffee-coffee-coffee make you nag-nag-nag?

3RD ANNCR:

It's the caffeine in coffee that really does it: the caffeine in coffee that turns an angel into a shrew.

WOMAN:

So if coffee-coffee-coffee make you nag-nag-nag--

3RD ANNCR:

--switch to Sanka Coffee, the regular or the instant. Sanka Coffee has ninety-seven percent of the caffeine taken out. Sanka Coffee can't make you nervous or jittery. Sanka Coffee can't steal your sleep.

WOMAN:

So if coffee-coffee-coffee make you nag-nag-nag--

3RD ANNCR:

(INCREASINGLY SOOTHING) --switch to Sanka Coffee. Sanka Coffee. Sanka Coffee.

ANNOUNCER:

Be sure to listen to Lucille Ball in MY FAVORITE HUSBAND again next week, presented by--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

Oooooh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O!

FEMALE:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O puddings.

MALE:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O tap-pioca puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

The name Jell-O is a registered trademark of General Foods. Bob LeMond speaking.

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME ... THEN IN BG, TILL END

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... IN BG, TILL END

CBS ANNCR:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.