HOST:

... And now here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Fanny Brice as Baby Snooks!

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

HOST:

Daddy, played by Hanley Stafford, has just returned from the office and is sitting quietly in his study engrossed in the evening newspaper. Listen.

DADDY:

(SIGHS AND EXHALES WITH SATISFACTION AS HE READS)

SOUND:

DOOR SLAMS

SNOOKS:

(EXCITED) Lookit, Daddy!

DADDY:

(UNINTERESTED) Ah, go away, Snooks.

SNOOKS:

Lookit what I got!

DADDY:

(FIRMLY) I'm reading, Snooks.

SNOOKS:

I got a fishy! (LAUGHS)

DADDY:

Huh? Wha--? Snooks! Put that fish in some water!

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

Because it'll die in your hands. Where'd you get it?

SNOOKS:

I took it from the pond in the park!

DADDY:

The park?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Mm hm.

DADDY:

You carried that goldfish all the way home in your hands?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Mm hm. Ain't it pretty?

DADDY:

Well, how on earth did it stay alive out of the water?

SNOOKS:

I kept spittin' on it! ...

DADDY:

Put that goldfish in water! Here! Slip it in this glass.

SNOOKS:

All right. (LAUGHS) It's swimmin'!

DADDY:

All right, leave it alone. I want to read. (EXHALES)

SNOOKS:

Daddy?

DADDY:

What is it?

SNOOKS:

The fish is hungry.

DADDY:

(ANNOYED) Feed it!

SNOOKS:

Gimme a penny and I'll buy a lollipop.

DADDY:

Fish don't like lollipops!

SNOOKS:

I like 'em.

DADDY:

Well, you can't have one! Let me read.

SNOOKS:

All right. (BEAT) Daddy?!

DADDY:

What?

SNOOKS:

What do fishies eat?

DADDY:

I don't know. Big fish eat little fish.

SNOOKS:

Does whales eat goldfish?

DADDY:

No -- any fish but goldfish.

SNOOKS:

Does whales eat sardines?

DADDY:

Yes!

SNOOKS:

How do they open the cans? ...

DADDY:

(EXASPERATED) Ohhh. When fish are in the water, they're not in cans. They swim around in schools.

SNOOKS:

Goldfish, too?

DADDY:

Yes, goldfish swim in schools, too.

SNOOKS:

This one wasn't in school.

DADDY:

That's probably why you caught it. And it serves him right!

SNOOKS:

For playin' hookey?

DADDY:

No! Let me read my paper! Can't I get a minute's peace in this house?

SNOOKS:

I won't bother you, Daddy.

DADDY:

Well, all right. (EXHALES AND SETTLES DOWN TO READ)

SNOOKS:

Daddy?!

DADDY:

(SAVAGELY) Now what is it?! ...

SNOOKS:

I think the fish is gonna drown.

DADDY:

Oh, don't be silly.

SNOOKS:

He's got his mouth open.

DADDY:

He's breathing!

SNOOKS:

In the water? ...

DADDY:

Why, yes. Fish open their mouths, take in a quantity of water, and, by a chemical process, they extract the oxygen from it and expel the rest through their gills.

SNOOKS:

Is it hard?

DADDY:

Why, no. Any fish can do it.

SNOOKS:

Let me see you do it, Daddy. ...

DADDY:

I'm not a fish!

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

Why? Because if I were a fish, you'd be a fish, too!

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

Because human beings don't have fish!

SNOOKS:

We had fish Friday! ...

DADDY:

We had fish for supper! But we don't have fish for children!

SNOOKS:

I had some.

DADDY:

Well, what of it?

SNOOKS:

Ain't I a children?

DADDY:

(EXPLODES) Will you let me read my paper?!

SNOOKS:

(QUIETLY) All right. (BEAT) Daddy?!

DADDY:

(EXASPERATED) Ohhh! What do you want?!

SNOOKS:

Was I a fish when I was born?

DADDY:

Stop those silly questions!

SNOOKS:

Did you have to take me or did you pick me out?

DADDY:

We picked you out!

SNOOKS:

Whyyy?

DADDY:

Oh, so you're beginning to wonder, too! ...

SNOOKS:

Huh?

DADDY:

Nothing! Let me read.

SNOOKS:

Read to me, Daddy.

DADDY:

No!

SNOOKS:

(BIG WAIL) Waaahhh!

DADDY:

(RESIGNED) Ohhh, all right, all right. Hand me that animal picture book. You might as well get a little lesson in zoology.

SNOOKS:

Here, Daddy.

DADDY:

Now just don't ask too many questions and I'll be able to explain things to you.

SNOOKS:

All right.

DADDY:

Now, this whole book is in alphabetical order, see?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Uh huh.

DADDY:

Now, "A" stands for "anteater." It's got an ugly long snout, very slovenly in its habits--

SNOOKS:

Uh huh.

DADDY:

--a very heavy shapeless body, and hardly any brain at all. Now, here's the picture.

SNOOKS:

Uh huh.

DADDY:

Now, what is it?

SNOOKS:

Uncle Louie. ...

DADDY:

No, I just told you! (HINTS) Ant-- Ant--

SNOOKS:

Aunt Sophie! ...

DADDY:

"B" stands for "bear"! See the bear? See his warm fur coat? He wears that all the time.

SNOOKS:

In the summer, too?

DADDY:

All the time.

SNOOKS:

Why don't he take it off?

DADDY:

Because he was made that way!

SNOOKS:

Who made him?

DADDY:

(BEAT) Oh, the - the angels!

SNOOKS:

I can take my coat off.

DADDY:

Sure you can -- because you just find the buttons, open 'em up, and take it off. Now, can the bear take off his warm fur coat?

SNOOKS:

No.

DADDY:

Why?

SNOOKS:

'Cause only the angels know where the buttons is! ...

DADDY:

Oh, forget it! "C" stands for "cat"! I hope I don't have to tell you what a cat is.

SNOOKS:

No, Daddy.

DADDY:

All right, you describe it.

SNOOKS:

Hm?

DADDY:

Describe it! What do cats have that no other animals have?

SNOOKS:

Kittens. ...

DADDY:

I see. Well, let's go to the next page. "D" stands for-- Do you know what this picture is?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Uh huh.

DADDY:

Are you sure?

SNOOKS:

(YES) Uh huh.

DADDY:

What is it?

SNOOKS:

I dunno. ...

DADDY:

I thought so! "D" stands for-- (SPELLS IT OUT) D-E-E-R. What's that?

SNOOKS:

Dog.

DADDY:

No! D-E-E-R! Look at the picture! What does mummy call me?

SNOOKS:

(LAUGHS) ...

DADDY:

What are you laughing at?

SNOOKS:

That ain't a donkey! ...

DADDY:

I'm gonna read. Now, get out of the room!

SNOOKS:

I don't wanna.

DADDY:

I'm warning you, Snooks!

SNOOKS:

I'm warning you, Snooks.

DADDY:

Leave me alone!

SNOOKS:

Leave me alone.

DADDY:

Snooks!

SNOOKS:

Snooks.

DADDY:

Will you stop mocking me?!

SNOOKS:

Will you stop mocking me?

DADDY:

Oh, all right — I just won't talk.

SNOOKS:

All right, I just won't talk.

DADDY:

(GRUNTS)

SNOOKS:

(GRUNTS)

DADDY:

(COUGHS)

SNOOKS:

(COUGHS)

DADDY:

(YELLS) Stop it, I say!

SNOOKS:

(YELLS) Stop it, I say!

DADDY:

(BEAT) Snooks is a dope!

SNOOKS:

Snooks is a do--! (BIG WAIL) Waaahhh! ...

DADDY:

(WILD LAUGH) I got you!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

HOST:

Warren, whenever I see that enthusiastic light in your eye, I know it's time for a word from you on your favorite topic.

ANNOUNCER:

And the favorite topic with most Americans, Bob, every day of the week. For good coffee contributes more to the enjoyment of living in this country than anywhere else in the world. That's why we're glad that more and more people are finding pleasure and downright satisfaction in the new Maxwell House Coffee; proud that more people, in fact, are buying Maxwell House Coffee today than ever before in its history.

HOST:

Well, I'm mighty proud to hear that, too, Warren. And I'm sure you can tell us why.

ANNOUNCER:

We believe we do know why. Friends, from the day it was created more than half a century ago by that master coffee blender, Joel Cheek, Maxwell House has been known and appreciated as one of the world's finest coffees. Millions of people considered it just about perfect. But today, after months of effort and experimentation, we are able to say that this famous blend of superb coffees is now richer, more delicious, more full-bodied than ever before. You'll taste its extra goodness in your very first steaming, fragrant cup. Then, too, we think you'll appreciate that remarkable new "radiant roast" process we've developed, which roasts each coffee bean evenly all the way through, and so brings out the true, natural flavor of this superb new blend. No chance of bitter coffee due to parching or weak coffee due to under-roasting. This new Maxwell House comes to you roaster-fresh in the same, familiar blue super-vacuum can, with all its marvelous flavor and fragrance sealed in, none wasted. So if you haven't tried Maxwell House lately, won't you order a pound tomorrow? We think you'll say--

MALE VOICE:

This is the finest coffee I've ever tasted!

ANNOUNCER:

We think you'll agree this new Maxwell House is, more than ever, good to the last drop!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ...