MUSIC:

FANFARE ... COLE PORTER'S "FRIENDSHIP"

ANNOUNCER:

Lever Brothers Company -- makers of Swan, the soap with the exclusive Super-Creamed Blend -- presents--

MUSIC:

ACCENT AND OUT

IRMA:

Our friend Swan--

JANE:

--with My Friend Irma.

MUSIC:

ACCENT ... THEN BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane.

MUSIC:

COLE PORTER'S "FRIENDSHIP"

CHORUS:

(SINGS)
Friendship! Friendship!
Just the perfect blendship!
When other friendships have been forgot,
Theirs will still be hot!
"My Friend Irma"!

MUSIC:

OUT

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... ALFRED NEWMAN'S "STREET SCENE" ... OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) You know, they say there's an explanation for everything. But I don't think that goes where Irma Peterson is concerned. ... Why do I say that? Well, a few minutes ago, I told Irma that in the Arctic Circle the nights are six months long. And Irma said--

IRMA:

Gee, when a girl goes to a dance, her mother must say, "Be a good girl and try to get home before July." ...

SOUND:

SHUFFLE OF ENVELOPES BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) Normally, those things jolt me, but tonight I'm too busy addressing a stack of envelopes for Richard to waste any time trying to straighten Irma out.

IRMA:

Jane, who are you writing to?

JANE:

No one we know, honey. You see, Richard is greatly interested in the primary elections and he's coming here with a stack of election circulars he wants me to mail.

IRMA:

Circulars?

JANE:

Yeah, you know -- there's a picture of a man and underneath it is a description of what he's done.

IRMA:

Oh, I know. Like those pictures of Al's friends that are hanging in the post office. ...

JANE:

No. No, this - this is a different kind of circular. You see, these men hold offices; they don't hold them up. ...

SOUND:

KNOCKING AT DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

RICHARD:

(EXCITED) Well, here they are, Jane. Hello, Irma.

IRMA:

Hello, Richard.

JANE:

(SWEETLY) I'll take the circulars, Richard.

SOUND:

SHUFFLE OF CIRCULARS

JANE:

Gee, I've never seen you so excited.

RICHARD:

Well, this is exciting and important work we're doing. If we can get the voters behind the reform ticket and elect our man, Robert Colby, this district will at long last be represented by an honest man in council.

IRMA:

Richard, is there any way I can help?

RICHARD:

Yes. Yes, you can vote.

IRMA:

No, I can't. Those voting machines always get me so confused.

JANE:

Well, honey, what's there to be confused about? All you do is press down a lever.

IRMA:

Yes, but I don't know where to put the nickel. ...

JANE:

Well, I'll explain it to you later, Irma. Richard, is there anything else I can do for you?

RICHARD:

No. No, just get the circulars out. I'm going down to headquarters and keep things moving. Oh, and keep spreading the word around: "Colby for Councilman."

JANE:

All right, Richard. See you later.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS RICHARD EXITS

IRMA:

(FORLORN) Jane--?

JANE:

What, sweetie?

IRMA:

Isn't there any way I can help in the election?

JANE:

No, honey. Electioneering is important work. It takes the toil of endless hours.

IRMA:

Well, that's why I want to help. What good is woman's suffrage if I don't get a chance to suffer? ...

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

JANE:

Get it, will ya, honey? I'm busy.

SOUND:

IRMA'S STEPS TO PHONE ... RECEIVER UP

IRMA:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Who is this? -- Joe? No, Joe, Al isn't here yet. -- Huh? You have a job for him? Oh, Joe, you're early. April Fool is ten days off. ... Oh, you're serious? Well, I'll tell him to call you. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

IRMA:

What do you think, Jane? Joe has a job for Al.

JANE:

(IRONIC) How do you like that? His best friend turning on him after all these years. ...

IRMA:

(FORLORN AGAIN) Jane--? Er, can I just fold the circulars for you? I want to do something.

JANE:

Well, honey, I don't want you to feel hurt, but I haven't got too much confidence in you ever since your cousin brought those Campfire Girls up here to hold a meeting.

IRMA:

Well, I thought that a log fire would make them feel at home.

JANE:

Yes, honey, but we have no fireplace. ...

IRMA:

Well, everybody makes mistakes.

JANE:

I know, Irma, but you don't use judgment. Now, honey, look at your shoes: you paid twelve dollars for a pair of five-dollar shoes. Why don't you shop around?

IRMA:

Well, in the future, I will.

JANE:

Now, look, honey, if you really want to help me, you can run down to the post office and get me a hundred three-cent stamps.

IRMA:

All right, Jane, and don't worry -- I won't buy at the first post office I see. ... I'm gonna shop around!

JANE:

(EXASPERATED) Oh, Irma.

SOUND:

KNOCKING AT DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

KROP:

(SHEEPISH) It's only me -- Professor Kropotkin. ... Hello, Janie and Irma, my two little cottages -- one with a clinging vine, one with an empty attic. ... (TO HIMSELF, PLEASED) Ah, Kropotkin, a man like you should have been a comedian. (CHUCKLES, TO JANE) Janie darling, could I borrow please your dark glasses?

JANE:

Surely. Why?

KROP:

Well, if you'll excuse the expression, I'm taking Mrs. O'Reilly out tonight. ...

JANE:

Oh, now, Professor, don't try to kid us. We know you're falling more in love with her every day.

KROP:

Janie, when a man courts his landlady, this is not love. This is known as taking the bull by the horns. ...

IRMA:

Those aren't horns. That's the way Mrs. O'Reilly combs her hair. ...

JANE:

Oh! Hold it, will ya, the two of ya? I've got to get these circulars out for Richard. Irma, will you please hurry to the post office?

IRMA:

All right, Jane.

JANE:

Now, honey, you know what to get?

IRMA:

Yes. Uh, three dollar stamps.

JANE:

No. No. No. ... No, a hundred three-cent stamps. Now, here, I'll write it down, sweetie. And don't shop around -- please. Goodbye.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS IRMA EXITS

KROP:

Janie, what's all this correspondence here?

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF PAPERS

JANE:

Oh, this? Well, Richard and the reform party are trying to get Robert Colby elected in the primary so we can get a good honest representative and throw Honest Jim Blake right out of office.

KROP:

That I'm for. That Honest Jim is such a crook, when he's campaigning, he couldn't kiss a baby without stealing the diaper pins. ...

JANE:

Well, that's why we're all working so hard to get Colby in office. You know, Professor, you could help. You tell all the customers at the Gypsy Tea Room to "vote for Colby for honest government."

KROP:

Well, I'll tell them, Janie, but I don't think it's gonna help.

JANE:

Why not?

KROP:

After they eat at the Gypsy Tea Room, they're not thinking of good government. They're more interested in a good doctor. ... Tell me, Janie, is Irma helping you elect Colby?

JANE:

No.

KROP:

Then he's got a chance.

JANE:

Yeah. ... Ah, he's gotta win and Honest Jim must go. Professor, how about wearing a "Colby for Councilman" pin?

KROP:

Oh, I'd be glad to.

JANE:

Here. Here ya are.

KROP:

(FIXES PIN, WITH SATISFACTION) Ah--

JANE:

(AMUSED) No, no, Professor, not on your trousers. On your jacket!

KROP:

Please, Janie -- I know where the pin is needed the most. ... But you can count on me. Goodbye.

JANE:

Bye.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS KROP EXITS ... PHONE RINGS

JANE:

(TO HERSELF) Oh, honestly! I'll never get these circulars out; never.

SOUND:

JANE WALKS TO PHONE ... RECEIVER UP

JANE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Who? -- Oh, Joe. No, Al isn't here yet. -- Well, you know Monday is his busy day. That's when he stands outside of the Yankee Stadium and waits for balls to come over the fence. ... Yeah. Yeah, I'll have him call you, Joe.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN ... KNOCKING AT DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

AL:

Hiya, Jane. Where's Chicken?

JANE:

Oh, she went on an errand for me, Al. You know, your friend Joe has been calling like mad all day trying to get you.

AL:

Heh, that guy's uncanny. But he ain't cuttin' in on this deal. It's my own idea. It's a birth certificate with an adjustable calendar -- for dames who are gettin' old. ...

JANE:

Al, will you believe me, I'm not interested? And I'd appreciate it if you'd call Joe before he wears out the phone. If Irma comes back, I'm downstairs getting some ink from Mrs. O'Reilly. Tell her, huh?

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS JANE EXITS

AL:

(TO HIMSELF) Hm! Dynamic dame. Must be a thyroid condition. ... Well, while she's gone, must make that telephone call.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED BRIEFLY BEHIND--

AL:

(TO HIMSELF) And there's only one man to call. Who else but--? (DEEP VOICE, INTO PHONE) Hello, Joe? ... (NORMAL VOICE) Al. What is your problem? -- A job? For me? Joe, what did I ever do that made you sore? ... No kiddin'? You mean I get five thousand a year? Joe, it sounds too good to be honest. ... Oh, it ain't honest, it's a political job? ... Well, Joe, what sort of work do I do? You see, I couldn't take the taxpayers' money for nothin'. -- Huh? I'll have an important duty to perform? -- I keep whales out of Central Park Lake? ... Joe, there ain't no whales in Central Park Lake. -- Oh, in an election year ya never ask questions. But what do I do to get the job, Joe? -- Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Mm hm. I'd be glad to campaign for him; he's a good man. You can count on me. Goodbye, Joe.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN ... DOOR OPENS

IRMA:

(SADLY) Oh, hello, Al honey.

AL:

Well, what's the matter, Chicken? Why so glum?

IRMA:

I bought these stamps for Jane.

AL:

Chicken, ya got the stamps all pasted on the cardboard!

IRMA:

Well, the wind was blowing; I was afraid I'd lose 'em. ... Oh, gee, Al, I don't know why Jane has no confidence in me.

AL:

Forget it, Chicken. Golden days are ahead! Before ya know it, little Al'll be makin' five thousand dollars a year.

IRMA:

Oh, Al, they'll catch you and destroy your printing press. ...

AL:

No, Chicken, you know I wouldn't be a counterfeiter. This is legitimate. We gotta help elect the one man who can give us clean decent government.

IRMA:

Who, Al?

AL:

Honest Jim Blake!

IRMA:

Oh, but, Al -- Jane and Richard are campaigning for Robert Colby. They say Jim Blake is a crook.

AL:

Chicken, it ain't exactly bein' crooked. Y'see, politicians figure they gotta get what they can while they're in office 'cause the public forgets 'em so quickly. You take President Hoover: In office four years, and what's his reward? Got his name on a vacuum cleaner. ... And Adams got his name on a hat. Lincoln is on a penny. And Wilson is on a ham. It's enough to frustrate an honest man.

IRMA:

Oh, but - but the papers say Jim Blake is the most dishonest man that was ever in office.

AL:

Just propaganda, Chicken. Look at the things he's done for the city. Take that - that beautiful highway he built last year.

IRMA:

But it cracked in two weeks!

AL:

Well, Jim couldn't help that. Strong weeds! ...

IRMA:

Well, how 'bout that bridge he built? It fell down in three days.

AL:

Well, Honest Jim couldn't help it if the rain dissolved the cement. ... Besides, honey, you're lookin' at the bad side of him. Look at the good he's done. Built his wife a beautiful home. Gave her a mink coat. Gave his brother a pardon! ... There's a man with a heart. ...

IRMA:

Gee, Al, I - I don't know what to do. I-- Gosh, I hate to work against Jane.

AL:

Chicken, face this thing realistically. I love ya. And with five G's a year comin' in, we can get married. And there'll be no more of those long hours going to work every day. You can get a part-time job. ...

IRMA:

You - you'd really marry me, Al?

AL:

Why, sure, I'd marry you, Chicken. Do you think I like sleepin' on park benches every day until four in the afternoon? I want to have a home to do that in! ...

IRMA:

Gee, Al, I - I don't know what to say. Do you think Jane will be angry with me if I help you?

AL:

Well, Chicken, you know Jane has no confidence in ya.

IRMA:

Well, that's true. She has lost a little confidence in me --- ever since I mixed the brown and white shoe polish together for my sport shoes. ...

AL:

Well, what do you say, Chicken? Will ya help me with Honest Jim's campaign?

IRMA:

All right, Al. I'll do it because I know it means you'll marry me, and it'll show Jane I'm smart enough to mix in politics, too!

AL:

That's the spirit, Chicken! But remember -- we don't let Jane know that we're workin' for the opposition. If they wanna work for Colby, okay. We're for Blake.

IRMA:

All right, Al. Gee, I'm so excited about you and politics, who knows? Someday you may be governor, and I'll be your wife!

AL:

Never can tell, Chicken.

IRMA:

Imagine me -- a governess! ...

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Say, ladies, you can tell a lot about a soap just by feeling it. Next time you unwrap a cake of Swan, run your fingers over the surface. Feel how it differs from other soaps. It feels smoother. As Suzy Swan says--

MUSIC:

COMMERCIAL JINGLE

SUZY:

(SINGS)
Swan is really different.
The feel of Swan will tell you in a minute.
Just feel a cake of Swan and you will see
That Swan is different as can be.
The reason, friend,
Its Super-Creamed Blend,
Says Suzy.

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, only Swan has this exclusive Super-Creamed Blend. That makes Swan differ from other soaps. And, ladies, you can feel the difference when you run your fingers over a cake of Swan. It feels smoother. And when you take your bath, scoop up some of the luscious Swan lather. It feels different, too; creamier, richer. That's why Swan does an extra-mild, extra-thorough cleansing job on your skin. That's why a Swan bath is such a pleasure. And what's more, Swan's exclusive Super-Creamed Blend makes Swan cleanse so gently, rinse away so thoroughly, that your skin looks smoother, fresher, younger. Yes, don't ever forget -- the Swan look is a young look.

MUSIC:

TAG ... WHICH TRANSITIONS TO SECOND ACT INTRODUCTION (QUOTES "STREET SCENE") ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, the campaign for Robert Colby is just going wonderfully. I never knew life could be so hectic, but I love it. Richard and I have been working day and night, but we're too thrilled to be tired. We're gonna put an honest man in office and nothing is going to stop us. In fact, we're at a big rally now, singing our campaign song.

MUSIC:

FOR CAMPAIGN SONG ... A PIANO ACCOMPANIES THE CROWD

JANE & CROWD:

(SINGS)
Vote for Colby! Vote for Colby!
He will never fail!
His election
Means perfection;
Crooks will land in jail!
Down with them!
Vote for Colby! Vote for Colby!
He should wear the crown!
So vote, friends!
We'll throw Jim Blake right out of town!

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS ... THEN MURMURS HAPPILY IN BG

JANE:

Oh, Richard, isn't it thrilling?

RICHARD:

Oh, yes. And I'm sure that we'll elect Colby.

KROP:

Hello, Janie; Richard.

JANE:

Ohhh! Professor, I'm so glad you could come to the rally.

KROP:

Mrs. O'Reilly stood me up. She said I insulted her.

JANE:

Why?

KROP:

She wanted to go to a horse show. I told her she wouldn't have a chance.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CROWD CHEERS AND SHOUTS ... THEN MURMURS IN BG

AL:

Oh, Chicken, ain't this some rally?! Boy, if Jane and Richard could only see us now. They'd know they're licked!

IRMA:

Al, I've been doing a lot of good work.

AL:

Yeah? What do you mean, Chicken?

IRMA:

Well, I think Honest Jim has been wasting his time. He's kissing all the babies, but they can't vote.

AL:

What about it?

IRMA:

I've been kissing the fathers. ...

AL:

Chicken, you don't have to overdo it. Uh, by the way, did you get rid of all those circulars I gave ya?

IRMA:

Yeah.

AL:

Good, good.

IRMA:

(PROUD) And where I got rid of them, no one'll ever find 'em. ...

AL:

Chicken, I meant to give 'em out, not hide 'em.

IRMA:

Oh, Al, isn't there anything more I can do?

AL:

No, no, Chicken. Don't want you to overwork your little mind. ...

IRMA:

Oh, I haven't been overworking it, honey. I - I hardly know it's there. ...

AL:

Well, Chicken, that's enough for today. You go home and, don't forget, tell all your friends to vote for Blake.

IRMA:

All right, Al. Gee, I can't wait until you get the job and we get married. My hope chest is all ready; I just put in six baseballs, three tennis racquets, and a pair of skis.

AL:

(PUZZLED) What's the idea, Chicken?

IRMA:

Well, I read in a book that a wife should be a good sport. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

JANE:

Hi, honey! Where have you been?

IRMA:

(EVASIVE) Oh, places.

JANE:

Places? (UNHAPPY) What are you doing with that "Jim Blake" pin? Irma, you're not electioneering for that crook?!

IRMA:

Well, Al says he's not so bad and - and if he's elected, Al will get a job, and Al promised to marry me.

JANE:

Sweetie, if I bought a box of rice every time Al promised to marry you, the Chinese wouldn't have anything left to eat. ...

IRMA:

(FORLORN) Jane, I - I love Al and I - I want to get married. I want children, a home, and a place to put all those statues I won at Coney Island. ...

JANE:

(GENTLE, SYMPATHETIC) I know you do, honey. But won't it bother your conscience to wake up every morning and say, "Irma Peterson, you're a bad citizen"?

IRMA:

I suppose so, but it'll bother me more to wake up every night and say, "Irma Peterson, you're an old maid." ...

JANE:

Well, honey, it's your life, and since I know Honest Jim doesn't have a chance, you can do what you want.

IRMA:

Oh, thank you, Jane. Ah, I want to practice what I'm going to say to the girls at the office tomorrow.

MUSIC:

VERY BRIEF TRANSITION ... QUOTES "STREET SCENE" ... OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, there stands Irma in front of a mirror. And it's a sight that would make Patrick Henry turn over in his grave. She's evidently practicing the gestures that she's going to make in her speech. But such gestures I have never seen. Now she's shaking her fist. -- Now she's waving her arms in defiance. -- She's evidently scored her points. She's also knocked the clock off the mantel. ... Now she's shaking her finger and she's pointing to her head. This can only mean that Blake is solid. ... Now she's taken the Manhattan telephone directory and she's holding it over her head with all her strength. (PUZZLED, TO IRMA) Irma--? Honey, what's the idea of that?

IRMA:

Well, I want to show 'em that Blake will carry New York.

JANE:

Oh, you're ridiculous. ...

SOUND:

KNOCKING AT DOOR

JANE:

(CALLS) Come in!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

RICHARD:

(LISTLESS, DEJECTED) Hello, Jane.

JANE:

(SURPRISED) Well, Richard--? Well, what's the matter? Your face is white as a sheet.

RICHARD:

Jane, I'm afraid that all of our work has been in vain. Look at this headline.

SOUND:

RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

JANE:

What's it about, Richard? I'm too nervous to read it.

RICHARD:

Well, Honest Jim Blake and his machine have dug up a scandal about Colby that'll cost us every woman's vote.

JANE:

What was it?

RICHARD:

Well, they claim that eighteen years ago he struck his wife. And on Mother's Day! ...

JANE:

Oh, no, it can't be true.

RICHARD:

No, it isn't. It was just an unfortunate accident. He just happened to trip with a hammer in his hand. ... Yes, but Blake has distorted the story.

JANE:

Oh, Richard, what can we do?

RICHARD:

Well, I understand Blake is addressing the heads of all the women's clubs at Sloane's Hall tonight. Now, we have to go there with Colby so he can prove his innocence.

JANE:

Yeah, all right, Richard, (HINTS BROADLY) but I - I'd like to inform you that we have a Benedict Arnold in our midst.

IRMA:

Oh, he won't help you, Jane. We've got important people, too. ...

RICHARD:

Jane, you mean that Irma is campaigning for that thief Blake?

IRMA:

(WOUNDED) Yes. Yes, I - I am.

RICHARD:

Well, I'm surprised at you. Come on, Jane. (CURT) Goodbye, Irma.

JANE:

(MORE SORROW THAN ANGER) Goodbye, Irma.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

IRMA:

(WEEPS QUIETLY, SINGS UNENTHUSIASTICALLY THROUGH HER SOBS) "Vote for Jim Blake, vote for Jim Blake, squarest guy you know--" ...

SOUND:

KNOCKING AT DOOR

IRMA:

(CALLS, VERY WEAKLY) Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

AL:

Hey--

IRMA:

(SOBS)

AL:

What's the matter, Chicken?

IRMA:

Oh, Richard and Jane are mad at me because -- (SNIFF, SNIFF) -- I'm trying to help Jim Blake. Gosh, are you sure he's honest?

AL:

I already told you, Chicken.

IRMA:

Are you sure you'll marry me if I help him win?

AL:

Am I sure? Chicken, I already told three of the boys to stay out of trouble 'cause I might need 'em for ushers. ...

IRMA:

(SLIGHTLY HEARTENED) All right, Al.

AL:

And, Chicken, tonight's the night you can really help the campaign. You see, Honest Jim is goin' to address the women's clubs at Sloane's Hall tonight.

IRMA:

Well, that's where Jane and Richard are going.

AL:

Aw, we'll make monkeys out of 'em! Now, the chief wants you to pop out of the audience like you wasn't rehearsed and testify that Honest Jim is the ladies' friend. We gotta swing the women's vote.

IRMA:

But, Al, why did they pick on me?

AL:

Chicken, there's more chance of you sayin' the right thing if you don't know him. I mean, er-- ... (SLIGHT STAMMER) They don't want anybody too professional-lookin'. They want somebody with charm and - and personality -- and what the French call "C'est la guerre." ...

IRMA:

(RELUCTANT) Oh, all right, Al. I - I'll do it -- if only for our children's sake. (INSPIRED) Yeah. Every time I say "children," I get goosepimples. 'Course, you wouldn't understand -- you'll never know what is to be a mother.

AL:

(AGREES) Mm hm. ... Well, Chicken, now you got the right spirit -- and it'll teach Jane not to underestimate us.

IRMA:

That's right. She wouldn't let me on her bandwagon. Well, before I'm through, even my friends'll want to take me for a ride!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... QUOTES "VOTE FOR COLBY" TUNE

AL:

Well, Chicken, this is Sloane's Hall. Now, when we get inside, it's up to you to help swing the women's vote for Honest Jim.

IRMA:

(NERVOUS) But, Al, when they call me up from the audience, what should I say?

AL:

Well, just say that, er, you don't know Honest Jim personally, but people say he will undertake everything that good government stands for.

IRMA:

Undertake everything a good government stands for? Well, that's easy. I'll remember that, Al.

AL:

Swell, Chicken. And remember, my job -- our whole future together -- depends on this. (BEAT) Let's go inside.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ONTO MURMURING CROWD OF WOMEN, WHICH CONTINUES IN BG

AL:

Hey, Chicken, look. Richard's about to speak.

IRMA:

(UNEASY) Oh, Richard and Jane are for Colby and we're for Blake. I feel like that Japanese spy Hari Kari. ...

AL:

(LOW) Sh! Richard's gonna speak.

SOUND:

GAVEL BANGS THREE TIMES ... CROWD QUIETS BEHIND--

RICHARD:

Ladies of the metropolitan district, as you know, Honest Jim Blake has cooked up a smear campaign to besmirch the good name of our candidate Robert Colby, and I think it is only fair that you hear the true story from his own lips. And here he is -- the Honorable Robert Colby.

COLBY:

Ladies--

SOUND:

CROWD BOOS ... CONTINUES IN BG

COLBY:

Ladies-- Please! Now - now, listen to me, please! (STAMMERS) Let a man have a chance!

JANE:

(UPSET) Richard! Richard, they won't even let him speak!

RICHARD:

Yes. That's Jim Blake's doing.

JANE:

(DISHEARTENED) Oh!

RICHARD:

He's got his poll workers out there to influence the other women.

JANE:

Oh, Richard, you mean we have no chance?

RICHARD:

No. Nothing could win the election now -- nothing.

JANE:

Oh -- look at that pompous crook Honest Jim Blake. ... Why, he's getting up on the platform! Look how cocky he is, Richard.

BLAKE:

(VERY SMUG, TO ALL) You all know me -- Honest Jim Blake!

SOUND:

CROWD BOOS ... THEN QUIETS FOR--

BLAKE:

(ORATES POMPOUSLY) Thank you, thank you, lovely ladies, mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces -- in fact, all of this lovely feminine pulchritude. It has been contended by my opposition that I am a thief. They will tell you I stole one million eight hundred and forty-two thousand dollars from the taxpayers. I tell you, ladies -- and I give you my solemn word -- those figures are incorrect. ...

SOUND:

CROWD BOOS ... THEN QUIETS FOR--

BLAKE:

My opponents also contend that I secured my office through acts of violence. This is not true. And my former opponent would personally deny that if he were alive today. ... But why should I ask you to take my word? Surely somewhere in the audience is someone who does not know me, yet knows the good that I have done.

AL:

(WHISPERS) Get ready, Chicken. That's you.

BLAKE:

Step forward. Anyone at all. Ah! Here's a charming young lady. Who are you, young lady?

IRMA:

I'm anybody at all.

BLAKE:

Er-- (CLEARS THROAT) Fine, fine. ... You don't know me, young lady, do you?

IRMA:

No, I just know the fella that works for you. ...

BLAKE:

(CHUCKLES UNEASILY) Mere coincidence. Now, uh, will you tell these wonderful ladies what you think of me?

IRMA:

Uh, well, now, let me remember. Oh, I know. (TO CROWD) Uh, ladies, I don't know Honest Jim personally, but I know he will take everything the government will stand for. ...

BLAKE:

(STAMMERS NERVOUSLY) I - I'm sure this young lady is just a little nervous.

IRMA:

Yes, and I can't understand it. I was rehearsed so well! ...

SOUND:

CROWD BOOS ... THEN IN BG--

AL:

Come on, Chicken, run!

IRMA:

Well-- But, Al -- what about your five thousand dollars?

AL:

You'll need that for flowers!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE ... QUOTES "STREET SCENE" THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) Well, I'm still trying to gather my senses. All I remember of the women's meeting was that it ended with Honest Jim chasing Irma and Al down the aisle with a fire ax. ... This evidently convinced the women voters that Honest Jim wasn't exactly the fatherly type -- for they have elected Robert Colby to council almost unanimously. Now Irma thinks that she's America's foremost election authority. In fact, last night I said, "Irma, I see where they're talking about making MacArthur president." And Irma said--

IRMA:

Oh, I don't think so. Edgar Bergen would never let him go. ...

JANE:

(NARRATES) You know, if Bergen ever needs another dummy, he can borrow my friend Irma.

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

PAUSE ... THEN "STREET SCENE" THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

JANE:

(NARRATES) The other night I noticed Irma doing something very strange -- even for her. And I said, "Honey, why are you putting those watercolors on top of the Swan Soap?" And Irma said--

IRMA:

Well, Jane, I thought maybe the swan might want to color some of her eggs for Easter. ...

ANNOUNCER:

Oh, Irma -- (CHUCKLES) -- always being thoughtful about your Swan Soap. Well, that follows. Swan does a lot for you, too. Like the wonderful skin care you get; the wonderful pleasure you get when you make your bath a Swan bath. You see, ladies, Swan alone has that exclusive Super-Creamed Blend. Why, even the way a cake of Swan feels tells you that it differs from other soaps. Swan has an extra smoothness you can actually feel in the cake itself. You can feel a difference in the lather, too. Swan's lather feels richer and creamier. And after a Swan bath, your skin feels different, because thanks to Swan's exclusive Super-Creamed Blend, that Swan lather rinses away so completely your skin fairly glows with freshness and life; looks softer, smoother, younger. No wonder the Swan look is the young look.

MUSIC:

TAG ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

"My Friend Irma" -- presented by Swan, another fine product of Lever Brothers Company -- was produced and directed by Cy Howard. Tonight's script was written by Cy Howard and Parke Levy. Folks, next Monday evening listen again to--

MUSIC:

ACCENT

IRMA:

Our friend Swan--

JANE:

--with My Friend Irma.

MUSIC:

CLOSING THEME, IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Conried.

Ladies, listen -- the shortage of fats and oils is still very serious, and it's worldwide. So please keep on saving every drop of used kitchen fat. Your butcher will pay you for every pound. Frank Bingman speaking.

MUSIC:

FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... THEN PIANO ACCOMPANIES COMMERCIAL JINGLE

CHORUS:

Spry!

GIRL SINGER:

Cakes are light and high!

CHORUS:

Spry!

GIRL SINGER:

There's a reason why!

CHORUS:

Spry!

GIRL SINGER:

Cakes improve with Spry!

CHORUS:

Rely on Spry!

MUSIC:

OUT

2ND ANNCR:

Yes, there's a reason why Spry is the cake-making wonder. Spry has an amazing cake-improver secret. Try the Spry one-bowl way and be certain of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time. No other type of shortening has Spry's cake-improver. For new cake-making success, rely on Spry, the pure all-vegetable shortening.

MUSIC:

COMMERCIAL JINGLE

CHORUS:

Rely on Spry! S-P-R-Y! Rely on Spry! S-P-R-Y! (FADES OUT)

MUSIC:

CROSSFADE TO CLOSING THEME, IN BG ... UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

Tune in next week one hour earlier and listen to "The Lux Radio Theatre" immediately followed by "My Friend Irma." This is CBS, where ninety-nine million people gather every week, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... UNTIL END