DON:

The Grape Nuts Flakes Program, coming to you from Toronto, Ontario, and starring Jack Benny! With Mary Livingston, Dennis Day, Rochester, yours truly Don Wilson, and our guest conductor Alan McIvor and his all-Canadian orchestra!

MUSIC:

UPTEMPO ... ESTABLISH, THEN QUIETLY UNDER

DON:

Ladies, how often does your husband make with this theme song: "I want what I want when I want it"? (LAUGHING) Well... Yes sir, that's a man for you. Especially when it's time for breakfast. He wants breakfast there when he wants it, and does he know what he wants for breakfast? Well, just try him and see. Just hand him a bowlful of delicious, crisp, tempting, malty-rich Grape Nuts Flakes. Then watch what happens. One taste of that grand Grape Nuts flavour, and that "I want" frown becomes a happy grin. And that grin will stay on, because nourishing Grape Nuts Flakes stick to the ribs. They help keep you going until lunch time, for they're a whole-grain cereal, chock-full of nourishing food value. So, try old Doc Wilson's recipe for a happy home, and serve Grape Nuts Flakes at breakfast. America's fastest growing breakfast cereal.

MUSIC:

UP, AND CONTINUE TO QUICK FINISH

DON:

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in our broadcasting history, our program this evening originates outside the borders of the United States.

JACK:

Yes, sir! We're in Toronto, Canada!

DON:

Canada! Stretching three thousand miles from Nova Scotia in the east to Vancouver Island in the distant Pacific!

JACK:

It's big, all right.

DON:

Canada! Famous for its farming, its lumbering, its mining, and its fur-trapping!

JACK:

Yup, everything from grizzly bear to skunk.

DON:

Which brings us to our master of ceremonies... JACK BENNY!

JACK:

Hmmm... Hmmm, and I had to help him out on that. Oh, well. Hello again; this is Jack Benny the grizzly bear talking. I've got too much hair tonic on me to be that other animal. And, Don, this is sure a thrill broadcasting from the Dominion of Canada. Look at those uniforms out in the audience. Men from the Royal Canadian Navy, the Canadian Active Army, the Royal Canadian Air Force... Well!

DON:

And don't forget the Royal Norwegian Air Force.

JACK:

Yes sir, they've all turned out. And I love the people up here in Toronto, Don. They're so friendly, and they go out of their way to make you comfortable.

DON:

What do you mean?

JACK:

Well, for instance, when I arrived in town, it was snowing, so they dug an underground tunnel from the Union Station to the Royal York Hotel, just for me! Now, that's real consideration!

DON:

Now, wait a minute, Jack. That tunnel connecting the Union Station and the Royal York Hotel has been there for years!

JACK:

It has? Gee...

DON:

Of course. Everybody knows that.

JACK:

Oh my goodness. Then, I'd better rush over there right away.

DON:

What's the matter, Jack?

JACK:

Oh, I've gotta take down that sign I put up.

DON:

What sign?

JACK:

"Jack Benny Tunnel - Admission ten cents". Gee, people here'll think I'm awful, you know?

DON:

I wouldn't worry about it. By the way, Jack, are you stopping at the Royal York?

JACK:

Yes. Dennis and I, and Dennis' arranger, and my writers, and their writers, and a man named McTavish from Winnipeg, who's in the grain business, we're sharing a lovely room. It has twin beds, of course.

DON:

Oh, I see. Does your room overlook Lake Ontario?

JACK:

I don't know. McTavish always hangs his kilt across the window. Nice chap, though, you know?

SFX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

JACK:

Come in?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

JACK:

Yes?

WOMAN:

Mr. Benny, on behalf of the English-speaking population of Canada, I'd like to welcome you to Toronto, and present you with this genuine Canadian quarter.

JACK:

A Canadian quarter? Well, thank you. What's that for?

WOMAN:

We want you to spend SOMETHING while you're up here.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

JACK:

Hmmm... Just for that, I'm going to spend that quarter. McTavish and I are going out to dinner. What's left over, we'll split a cigar. Yes, siree. Oh, hello, Mary!

MARY:

Hello, Jack.

JACK:

Well, Mary, are you having fun on our little visit to Canada?

MARY:

I'll say! And what a beautiful city Toronto is! You know, Jack, yesterday I got on a streetcar and went over to visit my cousin.

JACK:

Oh, do you have a cousin living here in Canada?

MARY:

Yeah, Vancouver.

JACK:

Now, wait a minute, Mary. You can't take a streetcar from Toronto to Vancouver.

MARY:

That's his name. Vancouver Livingstone.

JACK:

Oh, oh, OH! Oh, oh, oh, oh, OH! Well, Mary, we've certainly covered a lot of ground in one week, haven't we? Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal...

MARY:

You said it! And, say, Jack, in Montreal, I stayed at the Windsor Hotel, and I slept in the same room that Mrs. Roosevelt had a few days before.

JACK:

The same room Mrs. Roosevelt had? How do you know?

MARY:

Well, in the middle of the night, the phone rang; I said, "Hello?"...

JACK:

Yes?

MARY:

And a voice said, "I'm back from North Africa. Where are you?"

JACK:

Oh, then it must have been Mrs. Roosevelt's room, all right.

DON:

Speaking of Montreal, Mary, isn't that a romantic old city? What food they have!

MARY:

To Wilson, a bowl of onion soup is romance.

JACK:

Mary. But you're right, Don. The food in Montreal is terrific. Especially in those little French restaurants.

MARY:

You oughtta stay out of those little French restaurants until you learn to speak the language.

JACK:

What are you talking about? I parlay Franswah tray bonnie. And, incidentally Mary, you should have had some of those escargots I ordered. Yum, yum!

MARY:

Well, I don't like snails.

JACK:

Snails? YIPE! Holy smoke! I ate three orders of snails!

MARY:

No wonder you've been walking so slow, the last few days.

JACK:

Oh, quiet. I can't understand making such a silly mistake. Why, in Waukeegan High School, French was my best subject. In fact, we--

SFX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

JACK:

Come in?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

MAN 1:

Monsieur Benny?

JACK:

Oui?

MAN 1:

En nomme de la population Canadienne Française du Canada, je desire vous soitie un cordiale bienvenue à notre beau pays.

JACK:

Oui, oui. Oui?

MARY:

(LAUGHING) What's he saying, Jack?

JACK:

Well, nothing about snails has come up. That, I know. Uh, proseeday voo, monsewer. Proseeday voo.

MAN 1:

Nous pensons que vos remarqes sont vraiment drôles.

JACK:

Oui, oui. Continuay, continuay.

MAN 1:

Et nous apprécions à justatri votre habileté artistique, et aspirons bien que votre sojours au Canada sera des plus agréeable. Bon soir!

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

JACK:

Well, now, that was really sweet. Really. I'm sorry he got away so fast. I would love to have parlayed with him longer, you know?

DON:

Well, tell us, Jack, what did he say?

JACK:

What did he say? He said that, um... I mean, he implied... That is, he more or less suggested... Look, he's gone; we had a nice chat; now let's forget it! My goodness. Well, Dennis Day! Hello, Dennis!

DENNIS:

Hello.

JACK:

Well, Dennis, I haven't seen you since we left Ottawa. Did you have a good time there?

DENNIS:

Yeah, it was wonderful. And I was sure thrilled when we met the King!

JACK:

The King? The King??

DENNIS:

Yeah, King Mackenzie.

JACK:

That's Mackenzie King! That's Mackenzie King. He's the Prime Minister.

DENNIS:

Oh.

JACK:

And I enjoyed meeting him too.

DENNIS:

You know, Mr. Benny, these Canadian people sure are generous. They really overdo it.

JACK:

What do you mean, overdo it?

DENNIS:

Well, I gave the girl at the cashier's desk a ten-dollar bill, and she gave me eleven dollars change. She must be nuts about me.

JACK:

Listen, Dennis... She gave you the right change. You see, ten dollars American for eleven Canadian is international monetary stabilization, and is determined through equitable negotiations on the part of the Canadian and American fiscal policy authorities.

DENNIS:

You better lay off those snails, brother.

JACK:

Oh, for pete's sake! Now, Dennis, Dennis, in the first place...

MARY:

Aw, Jack, stop wasting your breath. Dennis'll never get that stuff through his head.

DON:

Mary's right. Dennis is too confused to understand such a complicated subject.

JACK:

Now, wait a minute. Let's be fair about this. Dennis may be a little confused, but he's not dumb! He's not stupid!

DENNIS:

Talk is cheap. Let's see you prove it.

JACK:

Well, there' no use waiting. I'll have to keep that kid in a trunk. Never mind, Dennis. Let's have your song, and do a good job.

SFX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

JACK:

Hold it a minute. Come in?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

MAN 2:

(SPEAKS IN NORWEGIAN)

JACK:

Uh, oui, oui, monsewer.

MARY:

Jack... Jack, he's not French. He's a Norwegian flyer.

JACK:

Oh, a Norwegian flyer! Oh, oh! Go ahead sir.

MAN 2:

(GIVES SPEECH IN NORWEGIAN)

JACK:

Well, now, would you mind telling me what you said, in English?

MAN 2:

Mr. Benny, we Norwegians think you are very funny, and we like you much better than smoked whitefish.

JACK:

Well, that's very nice of you! Go ahead and sing, Dennis.

DENNIS' SONG:

"YOU'D BE SO NICE TO COME HOME TO"

JACK:

That was "You'd Be So Nice to Come Home To", sung by Dennis Day. And, Dennis, that was swell!

DENNIS:

Thank you. And, Mr. Benny, since today is your birthday, I'd like to dedicate that number to you.

JACK:

Well!

MARY:

That's right, Jack. Happy birthday!

DON:

Many happy returns of the day, old boy!

JACK:

Well, thank you! Thank you! Thanks, thanks, everybody! Gosh, another birthday!

DENNIS:

No kidding, Mr. Benny, were you really born on February fourteenth?

JACK:

Yup! I was a Valentine baby. Cupid brought me instead of the stork.

DENNIS:

The stork?

JACK:

Huh?

DENNIS:

The stork?

JACK:

Yes.

DENNIS:

There's something fishy there, but I'm only guessing.

JACK:

Dennis, I mean, Cupid brought me because I was born on Valentine's Day. But the stork brings everybody else.

DON:

Aw, you're a little wrong there, Jack. A crane brought me.

JACK:

Well, what's the difference? Stork, crane, they're both birds.

DON:

I mean, a crane like in a shipyard.

JACK:

Oh. Oh, you mean a hoist. Well, Don, you're an exception. You see, you were a very heavy baby. I understand your nurse had to jack you up to put your diapers on you. Well, anyhow, getting back to me... Here it is, another birthday.

DENNIS:

Say, Mr. Benny?

JACK:

Yes, Dennis?

DENNIS:

Well, I'll probably get slugged for this. But how old are you, exactly?

JACK:

Hmmm... Well, Dennis, let me put it this way. I'm as frisky as a boy of ten. I feel like Sweet Sixteen. And I don't look a day older than twenty-five.

MARY:

Now, just add those up, and you got it.

JACK:

Mary! I'm not fifty-one! I'm in my late thirties. Or, my early forties.

MARY:

You were in your early forties in the Gay Nineties.

JACK:

Never mind. And now, ladies and gentlemen--

MARY:

I wish I had a nickel for every time Lillian Russell slapped your face.

JACK:

I said, never mind! If I may be so bold... And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to have you meet our guest conductor this week, Mr. Alan McIvor from Montreal.

ALAN:

Thank you, everybody!

JACK:

So your name is Alan McIvor, eh? Alan, do you mind if I call you Al?

ALAN:

Oh, no, not at all.

JACK:

Thank you. You see, I happen to know a fellow named Allan, and just the... just the mention of his name makes my hair stand on end.

MARY:

Open your shirt, and show him!

JACK:

I mean the hair on my head! Well, sir, let's have your band number. What's it gonna be?

ALAN:

I've prepared a special arrangement of "Canadian Capers".

JACK:

Good.

ALAN:

Oh, by the way, Mr. Benny... I don't know if this is the right time to bring it up. But I enjoy your work in pictures very, very much.

JACK:

You do? Well, well!

ALAN:

Yes, I saw you in "George Washington Slept Here", and you were wonderful. Especially Ann Sheridan.

JACK:

Hmmm... Everybody says that. Incidentally, Mr. McIvor, I'm in a new picture now, called "The Meanest Man in the World". I suppose you'll see that?

ALAN:

Who else is in it?

JACK:

Well, I have a swell role. You see, I play the part of a young lawyer who is a failure because he's so nice and sweet and kind...

ALAN:

Who else is in it?

JACK:

Hmmm... And it isn't until I change my character and become the meanest man in the world, that I achieve the prominence that I so justly deserve!

ALAN:

Who else is in it?

JACK:

PRISCILLA LANE AND ROCHESTER!!! Who the-- Who do you THINK is in it??? Let's have your number. What a fan. For heaven's sake. All right, folks, "Canadian Capers".

DON:

Uh, just a minute, Jack. Speaking of Canada, I've written a very clever message which involves various cities and towns in this Dominion.

JACK:

Oh, who else is in it? I mean, you have? What's the matter with me?

DON:

Yes, it goes something like this. Ahem. When you come back from the LAKE, LOUISE...

JACK:

Uh-huh...

DON:

...And when you arrive in PORT, ARTHUR...

JACK:

Well, there's two places already.

DON:

...I want you both TORONTO your neighbourhood grocer...

JACK:

Hmmm...

DON:

...and ask him for a box of toasty brown, sweet as a nut Grape Nuts Flakes.

JACK:

TORONTO. That's not bad. Go ahead.

DON:

Now, if you arrive home and find that you've forgotten your Grape Nuts Flakes, QUEBEC to the store immediately.

JACK:

QUEBEC??? QUEBEC to the store?

DON:

Yes, because Grape Nuts Flakes in the big twelve-ounce Economy-Size package is America's fastest growing flake cereal. Believe me, folks. You OTTAWA try some tomorrow!

JACK:

Don... Don, that was wonderful. I'm sure you've given the people HALIFAX about our product! (AD LIBS) I bet Ruby Keeler hated that one. And now, Mr. McIvor, I think you can play--

SFX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR (3 KNOCKS x 3)

JACK:

Who's that? Come in?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

JACK:

Well, it's the Canadian girl, the French-Canadian soldier, and the Norwegian flyer! What's this for?

WOMAN:

Happy birthday, Mr. Benny! And may you have many more of them!

JACK:

Thank you, thank you.

MAN 1:

Nous vous souhaitons bonne fête, Monsieur Benny. Et espérons que vous en aurez beaucoup d'autres.

JACK:

Uh, mer-cie, mer-cie bowcoo.

MAN 2:

(SPEAKS IN NORWEGIAN)

JACK:

Manga tak, manga tak! Play, McIvor! (OVER START OF BAND'S NUMBER) Gee, a birthday in three languages! Ain't I something?

BAND'S NUMBER:

"CANADIAN CAPERS"

JACK:

Yes sir. That was "Canadian Capers", played by Alan-- I mean, AL McIvor, and his orchestra. And Al, that was very, very good, and quite apropos. And now, ladies and gentlemen, since we are in the Dominion of Canada, for our special attraction this evening...

MARY:

Mary Livingstone will read a poem.

JACK:

Mary Livingstone will-- Nothing doing, Mary! The poem is out.

MARY:

You let me read my poem, or I'll tell everybody that you think the tunnel from the Union Station to the hotel was dug especially for you.

JACK:

They know that already.

MARY:

Then I'll tell 'em that you're charging a dime to walk through it.

JACK:

They know that too.

MARY:

Do they know you're letting people go through piggyback for fifteen cents?

JACK:

(AD LIBS) How'd you go through all o' that without fluffing a line?

MARY:

(AD LIBS) I dunno, Jack.

JACK:

(AD LIBS) The special rate. That was wonderful. You're very good. Listen... All right, let's have your poem. What's the title of it?

MARY:

"Here's to Canada: Its Army, Navy, Merchant Marine, Ferry Command, and the F.I.M.T.A."

JACK:

The F.I.M.T.A.? What's that?

MARY:

The Fellow I Met This Afternoon.

JACK:

Oh. Oh, well, go ahead.

MARY:

(CLEARS THROAT) Here's to the land of the Maple Leaf, Our neighbour good and true.
Greetings from Don and Dennis and me,
And Jack with eyes of blue...

JACK:

They HAVE been compared to Lake Ontario through McTavish's kilt. Go ahead, Miss Seuss. Go ahead.

MARY:

...Oh, Canada, you are so mighty,
Your snow-capped mountains are so whitey...

JACK:

Whitey?

MARY:

...Your air is cold; your wind is bitey;
That's why I wear a flannel nightie...

JACK:

Me too.

MARY:

...Oh, Canada, where seals do play
Way up north in Hudson Bay.
The eskimos, they live in igloos,
And keep their pigs in little pigloos...

JACK:

Mary, they don't have pigs up there. They eat blubber.

MARY:

Hmm...
The eskimos, they live on blubber;
It looks like steak, but tastes like rubber.
The nights up there, last half a year,
So if you walk in your sleep, take a sandwich and beer...

JACK:

That's right. That's right. A little midnight snack around the middle of December WOULD be good. Is that all, Mary?

MARY:

No, one more verse.

JACK:

Okay.

MARY:

...So, here's to the land of the Maple Leaf,
Our neighbour good and true!
Our visit has been wonderful,
So, thanks. Merci beaucoup.

JACK:

Very, very good. Very good. Well, Mary, that was a swell poem and a beautiful thought. And I'm sure that goes for all of us. Now, fellas, before I forget it--

SFX:

KNOCKING ON DOOR

JACK:

Excuse me. Come in?

SFX:

DOOR OPENS

MORROW:

Mr. Benny?

JACK:

Yes?

MORROW:

I'm an eskimo, and I have a message for you.

JACK:

Well! A bald-headed eskimo. (LAUGHS, THEN AD LIBS) He must have a small entrance to his igloo. What's the message, sir?

MORROW:

On behalf of the eskimos of Canada, glub, ugh, rickajack, belwah, zock, powee!

JACK:

What does that mean?

MORROW:

How do I know? I'm a bellboy at the hotel.

SFX:

DOOR CLOSES

JACK:

(AD LIBS) How did Bill Morrow get a job as a bellboy? That's right, the eskimo didn't show up. Now, fellas, as I started to say, tomorrow night, when we do our show, I want you all to be ready by seven o'clock, because immediately afterwards, we have to take the train for Chicago. That is, you'll be in Chicago, and I'll stay in Waukeegan. Meanwhile--

SFX:

PHONE RINGS

JACK:

Now, who can that be?

SFX:

ANSWERS PHONE

JACK:

Hello?

ROCH:

Bon swar, Mesyur! Say mwah, Ro-che-STAIR!

JACK:

Ro-che-STAIR? Why, Rochester, where did you learn to speak French?

ROCH:

My Montreal mama done told me.

JACK:

Oh. Well, what do you want, Rochester? What did you call me about?

ROCH:

Well, I'm down here in the tunnel, Boss.

JACK:

In the tunnel?

ROCH:

Yeah, a train just came in from Ottawa. Shall I lower the toll gate?

JACK:

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Rochester, that isn't my tunnel any more. People can walk through without paying.

ROCH:

This is a fine time to tell me. A Scotchman just knocked me cold with a bagpipe.

JACK:

What?

ROCH:

That Loch Lomond really packs a wallop.

JACK:

Well, it was all my fault. There's only one thing to do, and that's give the people back their money. Now, how many dimes did you collect?

ROCH:

Only three, Boss.

JACK:

Only three?

ROCH:

Two from a newly married couple who didn't want to stop and argue...

JACK:

Yes?

ROCH:

And one from a bald-headed eskimo.

JACK:

Well, the eskimo's here, and I'll take care of him. See you later, Rochester. Goodbye.

ROCH:

Goodbye.

JACK:

Oh, say, Rochester... I hope you sent my trunk to the right town. Last week, you sent it to Toledo instead of Toronto.

ROCH:

Don't worry Boss. It's all packed and on its way to Weehawken.

JACK:

Weehawken???

ROCH:

Uh, maybe it should be Skowhegan.

JACK:

It's WAUKEEGAN! I told you to send the trunk to Waukeegan, Illinois! Now, look, get in touch with Weekawken, and then get in touch with Skowhegan, and have them send the trunk to Waukeegan.

ROCH:

You better put an Indian on that, Boss. Sha nay comprond paz those names.

MUSIC:

"FOR ME AND MY GAL" UP GRADUALLY, UNDER

JACK:

You'll do it yourself! Now, Rochester, if that trunk isn't in Waukeegan, I mean Skowhegan, I mean WAUKEEGAN, when I arrive, this'll be your finish! Now, remember what I tell you--!

MUSIC:

QUICKLY FADES DOWN, CONTINUING QUIETLY UNDER

DON:

Friends, never has it been so important as it is today, for you to choose the right foods in feeding your family. Because America's health and America's victory, depends on your thoughtful food buying. That's why our government nutrition authorities urge you to buy more whole-grain cereals, and serve them oftener. Whole-grain cereals are plentiful and economical, and they provide nutritional values we all need, including protective minerals and vitamins: iron, calcium, phosphorus, proteins, niacin, Vitamin B1. You get all those food values in whole-grain cereals, served with milk. So, you see, there's a valuable and thrifty way to help balance other food shortages. Now, your choice may not be Grape Nuts Flakes, but if it is, it's a wise choice and a delicious one. For, in Grape Nuts Flakes, you get a whole-grain cereal with a distinctive malty-rich flavour, and a crisp toasty-brown texture. But whether you choose Grape Nuts Flakes or not, do serve your family more whole-grain cereals. Remember, they're plentiful; they're nourishing; they're thrifty!

MUSIC:

UP ... CONTINUES ... FADES OUT

JACK:

That was the last number, in the twentieth program, in the new Grape Nuts Flakes series. And we'll be with you again next Sunday night, broadcasting for Servicemen in Chicago, Illinois. And I want to say that we have had a marvellous time here in Canada. I'd like to thank the Governor-General, Prime Minister Mackenzie King, and all the people of Canada for their splendid hospitality. And also, I would like to wish success to the Canadian Food Industry's special War Savings Stamp Drive, which is now taking place. Goodnight, folks.

DON:

The Jack Benny Program was written by Bill Morrow and Ed Beloin.

MUSIC:

"FOR ME AND MY GIRL", UP BRIEFLY, THEN QUICK FADE OUT