VIC AND SADE:

Dec. 24, 1943

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

Well, sir, it's early evening as our scene opens now, and here in the living-room of the small house half-way up in the next block we discover Mr. Victor Gook all by himself. He's deep in his easy chair, and his newspaper is before his face. He lowers it at this moment, however, because he hears Mrs. Victor Gook approaching. Listen.

VIC:

You had quite a confab out there, you an' mother Harris.

SADE:

(coming up) Yes, we did.

VIC:

Must of lasted an hour. What all'd ya find to talk about?

SADE:

Several things.

VIC:

I judge that box you carry contains our Christmas cards.

SADE:

Yeah.

VIC:

Wanta address 'em this evening?

SADE:

Might as well, don'tcha think?

VIC:

O.K. by me. I've finished my newspaper an' my blood calls for somethin' exciting. Say, how come ya closed the dining-room door?

SADE:

Mis' Harris asked me to.

VIC:

..A-ha--secrets between you girls.

SADE:

No, no secrets. Vic, something terrible has happened.

VIC:

Yeah?

SADE:

Mis' Harris just about heart-broken.

VIC:

Is she still out in the kitchen?

SADE:

No, she's gone now.

VIC:

I thought I heard the kitchen door slam. What seems to be the trouble?

SADE:

The Chicago company Mis' Harris does business with botched up our Christmas cards.

VIC:

Really?

SADE:

Here, look at one.

VIC:

They make a mistake?

SADE:

Examine it an' see for yourself. Rush upstairs?

VIC:

Yeah.

SADE:

Studyin'?

VIC:

Said he was gonna study. What's wrong with this Christmas card?

SADE:

Turn to the inside an' read what it says. Poor Mis' Harris. She could up an' out her right arm off.

VIC:

This is the card we ordered, ain't it? I don't see any....

SADE:

Read the printin' out loud.

VIC:

(reads) "A very merry Christmas an' a happy New Year."

SADE:

On the other flap.

VIC:

(reads) Mr. and Mrs. Victor Gook and son...(sees the mistake) oh.

SADE:

Ain't that awful?

VIC:

(chuckles) We can't send these, Sade.

SADE:

We'll hafta send 'em. It's too late to get any more made now.

VIC:

Yeah, but this is...(chuckles) ridiculous.

SADE:

It's a dirty nasty shame that's what it is. I wish I had that Christmas card company here in this room. I'd take a razor strap to 'em.

VIC:

(chuckles) Mr. an' Mrs. Victor Gook an' son Mush.

SADE:

(green spleen) "An' son Mush." Mush. Haven't they got a lick of sense? Who on earth's name would be "Mush"?

VIC:

Well, I expect they got some excuse.

SADE:

What excuse they got?

VIC:

"Rush" is an unusual name. I don't think I ever heard of anybody called Rush before...

SADE:

(tough) Ya never heard of anybody named Rush, huh? Well, that's funny. 'Course you married a girl named Rush.

VIC:

Yeah, but Rush was your last name. I mean I never heard of anybody that's first name was....

SADE:

"Rush" has got a million times more sense to it than "Mush". I wouldn't name a horse "Mush". (tough) Oh that wonderful Christmas card company. Don't they think they're somethin' up in Chicago makin' Christmas cards.

VIC:

Are you sure it's not Ma Harris's fault?

SADE:

Positive. When she sent in the order she printed the name. Printed 'em big--with pen an' ink. R-U-S-H-: -Rush. She prints out the names on all her order blanks. An' Vic, out there in the kitchen she just busted out bawlin'. That's why she had me close the door---so she wouldn't make a spectacle of herself in front of you. I never felt so sorry for anybody in my life.

VIC:

Too bad. But...a-kiddo, did I understand you to say you planned on sendin' these?

SADE:

We got to send 'em. Christmas is next Friday. People can't order cards made up at the last minute.

VIC:

Yeah, but...(little chuckle) ..."Mr. an' Mrs. Victor Gook an' son Mush".

SADE:

Chances are nobody'll even notice the Mush. That's what I told Mis' Harris to cheer her up a little. An' I believe that's more or less true. You know how people are when they get Christmas cards. They don't even read the printin'. All they do is look at the picture an' glance at the name of who sent it. Our "Mr. an' Mrs. Victor Gook" is perfectly all right.

VIC:

Yeah, but...(chuckles)...shucks.

SADE:

It's a rotten thing to have happen but we just got to make the best of it, I guess.

VIC:

Look, why not ditch these cards in the furnace an' buy up a batch of ready-made ones at the ten-cent store?

SADE:

(neg.) Uh-uh. Besides we're gettin' these free an' we might as well use 'em.

VIC:

Gettin' 'em free?

SADE:

Mis' Harris wouldn't take a penny. I tried to make her but she refused like a ton of bricks. Wanta get busy here now? I got pens an' ink on the library table an' my list of names.

VIC:

(rising) O.K. Say, there' gonna be one storm.

SADE:

What's that?

VIC:

Rush.

SADE:

Yes, I expect he will kick up a fuss.

VIC:

Don't know as I blame him. (chuckles) An' son Mush.

FLETCHER:

(in kitchen) SADIE!

SADE:

Maybe if we get at this quick we can get the cards all sealed in their envelopes an' Rush'll never know the difference. Sit down in the chair across from me. I'll divide up the list of names between us.

FLETCHER:

Sadie!

VIC:

I think this is a kind of sloppy way to do, kiddo.

SADE:

Sendin' botched-up Christmas greetings, ya mean?

VIC:

Yeah.

SADE:

Well, I do myself as far as that goes. But I insist on givin' quality special-made cards or nothin'. An' like I say, one person in fifty won't even notice the Mush. Here, I'll tear this in two.

FLETCHER:

In the living room, are they? Sadie and Vic Honey.

SADE:

Hello, Uncle Fletcher.

VIC:

Hello, Uncle Fletcher. You'll have to excuse us, we're kind of busy right now.

SADE:

Why don't you have a seat on the davenport, Uncle Fletcher? We've got to get these cards out.

FLETCHER:

Fine, fine. Think I'll just set a spell on the davenport.

VIC:

Ya got L. R. Childers on your list?

SADE:

Now, Vic, please please don't think up outlandish people. We've only got enough cards to go around as it is.

VIC:

L. R. Shilders is your idea of outlandish people, is he? May I remind you that L. R. Childers entertained us one whole afternoon at the World's Far in Chicago.

SADE:

That was two years ago an' we haven't heard hide nor hair of him since.

VIC:

I notice you got Mrs. W. J. Entwhistle on the list. May I inquire as to the identity of Mrs. W. J. Entwhistle?

SADE:

She's in charge of the dress department at Yamilton's.

VIC:

I see. Did she by any chance entertain us one whole afternoon at the Wold's Fair in Chicago?

SADE:

She's a lovely lovely lady an's been perfectly handsome in her treatment to me.

FLETCHER:

Wilbur Yang was known around Sycamore there as the man with the educated elbow. He could tell the time by his elbow. As a young ella he fell off'n a hay-rack and broke his elbow. After that happened his elbow was very sensitive, see?

SADE:

Um.

FLETCHER:

He could tell by his elbow whether it was gonna rain, whether it was gonna snow, whether it was gonna hail, or whether it was gonna sleet. And he could also tell the time. His wife--he married a woman twenty-six years old--would wake him in the middle of the night and say, "What time it is, Will?" Wilbur would simply take hold of his elbow with his fingers, squeeze it good, and say, "It's three minutes and six seconds past one o'clock." And he'd be right.

SADE:

(politely) Say.

FLETCHER:

(archly) Bet you don't know anybody that can tell time by their elbow.

SADE:

(little chuckle) No, I don't.

VIC:

L. R. Childers is a lovely lovely man an's been perfectly lovely in his treatment to me. Also he entertained us one whole afternoon at the World's Fair in Chicago two years....

FLETCHER:

Wilbur Yang married this woman twenty-six years old under very peculair circumstances.

VIC:

Yeah?

FLETCHER:

He was standing on the railroad station platform in East Pittston Pennsylvania. A stranger come up to him and tapped him on the shoulder and says, "Beg pardon, friend, will you light my cigar for me? I'm going to be married in half an hour and I'm so nervous I can't strike a match." Wilbur lit the fella's cigar for him and then got to thinking.

RUSH (approaching) Hey, mom, it's hot up in my bed-room.

SADE (to Vic in low tones) Don't let on about the Mush.

RUSH:

(closer) Mom.

SADE:

(raises voice) Turn your register off if it's too hot.

RUSH:

(closer) I did, but it's still too hot.

SADE:

Turn off all the registers up there.

RUSH:

(closer) Yeah, an' then everybody'd kick when they went to bed. (almost up) What's going on--a rummy game?

VIC:

Just a little clerical work, Sam.

RUSH:

(up) Oh, the Christmas cards come, huh?

VIC:

Yeah.

SADE:

Mis' Harris delivered 'em just a little while ago.

RUSH:

I knew somebody was callin'. Heard unfamiliar voices. Oh, hello, Uncle Fletcher.

FLETCHER:

Evening, Rush honey. You remember Wilbur Yang?

RUSH:

No, I don't believe I know him.

FLETCHER:

"I oughta be married myself," Wilbur said to himself. "I'm thirty-two years old." Well sir, he noticed a young lady down the platform a piece and he strolled over to where she was standing and says, "I'm Wilbur Yang. I'd like to get married." The young lady never blinked an eye. "I'd like to get married," she said. So they went to a lunchroom and ate a hearty meal, got in touch with a preacher, underwent the wedding ceremony in the presence of six book agents that happened to be in the neighborhood, caught the evening train for Logwater Missouri and for all I know they're still in that community.

RUSH:

Got another pen?

SADE:

No.

RUSH:

I might just as well help ya address.

SADE:

We can make out all right. Trot on back to your bedroom an' finish your studyin'.

RUSH:

Studyin' on Friday night is a hollow mockery. After all tomorrow's Saturday an' the next day's Sunday an'...

SADE:

(quickly) No, don't touch.

RUSH:

I never thoroughly examined our Christmas card when Mis' Harris brought over the sample.

SADE:

The sample's out in the top right-hand drawer of the buffet. Go get it an' examine it all ya please.

RUSH:

This is O.K. I have a curiosity concerning...

SADE:

(more sharply than necessary) Put that down.

RUSH:

(surprised little chuckle) Why?

SADE:

Your hands are dirty.

RUSH:

They are not. I scrubbed 'em with a brush before supper. You saw me.

SADE:

Yeah, but you prob'ly got 'em greasy eatin' supper.

RUSH:

Mom, you talk ridiculous. I'm no infant. I....

VIC:

You're holdin' up the parade here, George. Mama an' papa are busy.

RUSH:

How'd I get in the dog-house?

VIC:

Go sit down in a nice soft chair an' take a load off your feet. Talk to Uncle Fletcher.

RUSH:

(all right, if that's the way you feel) O. K.

FLETCHER:

(chuckles) Stuff happens, don't it?

RUSH:

Yeah.

FLETCHER:

(rather pompously) The case of Wilbur Yang treaches us a lesson, hey, Rush.

RUSH:

Yeah.

FLETCHER:

(brief pause, curiously) Ah...what lesson does it teach us?

RUSH:

(chuckles) I don't know.

FLETCHER:

(mischievously) Then what did you say it did for?

RUSH:

(chuckles) I didn't say it did; you said it did.

FLETCHER:

(chuckles) That's right.

RUSH:

Um.

VIC:

Kiddo, you got Hunky Abrams on your list?

SADE:

No, I haven't got Hunky Abrams on my list.

VIC:

Why not?

SADE:

Why in earth should he get a Christmas card?

VIC:

(with dignity) I don't believe the angels in heaven would quite approve of that remark, Sade. Christmas is a time for peace on earth, good will to men. A Christmas card from us would cheer Hunky Abrams up to where...

SADE:

From what I hear of Hunky Abrams he ceers himself up plenty.

VIC:

Just the same, though, a word of Yuletide affection would...

SADE:

Vic, we only got enough cards to go 'round as it is. Let's not throw 'em out in the alley.

VIC:

Sendin' Hunky Abrams Christmas greetings is the same as throwin' Chirstmas greetings out in the alley, is it?

SADE:

(shortly) Yes.

FLETCHER:

(after a pause) You wouldn't remember Ernie Hawfer there in Belvidere.

RUSH:

No.

FLETCHER:

Ernie Hawfer passed away in nineteen-aught-two.,

RUSH:

That was a good many years before I was born.

FLETCHER:

(cheerfully) Not at all. We hafta expect those things.

RUSH:

Um.

FLETCHER:

People live, people die.

RUSH:

Um.

FLETCHER:

Ernie Hawfer claimed everything he ate tasted like molasses. I say he "claimed" because naturally he couldn't prove it. Peaches, bread, chewing-gum, ice-tea, homiiny, spinach, olives, turnip-greens,--they all tasted like molasses. That would of been all right only Ernie didn't like molasses. He went to see the doctor about it.

RUSH:

Um.

FLETCHER:

"Doctor," he says, "everything I put in my mouth tastes like molasses." The doctor says, "What's your name, friend?" "Ernie Hawfer," says Ernie. "Mister Hawfer, " says the doctor, 'get out of my office and stay out."

RUSH:

Um.

VIC:

Yet, Sade, --yet I see on this list the name of Paul an' Ida Mills.

SADE:

Paul an' Ida Mills got Christmas cards comin'. Paul an' Ida Mills...

VIC:

(low tones) Hey, he's got one.

SADE:

(low tones) What?

VIC:

(low tones) Pete's got a Christmas card.

SADE:

(raises voice) Rush, I told you to let things alone. We've only got barely enough....

RUSH:

(off a little) Hey!

SADE:

Bring that card here an' don't....

RUSH:

There's a mistake on here.

SADE:

Naw.

RUSH:

(closer) There is too.

SADE:

Oh, you're just....

RUSH:

(almost up) Says "Mr. an' Mrs. Victor Gook an' son Mush".: .

SADE:

"Rush".

RUSH:

(up) No, Mush. "M".

VIC:

Prob'ly just a blur in the printing, Ralph. That often happens in...

RUSH:

Blur nothin'. Look for yourself.

VIC:

Ah...(reads)..."Mr. an' Mrs. Victor Gook an' soon...ah...

RUSH:

Mush.

VIC:

By gosh, it does say Mush. Sade, they made a mistake in this card.

SADE:

Oh, did they?

VIC:

It's got "Mush" instead of "Rush".

SADE:

We better throw that one away then. Take it out to the garbage pail, son.

FLETCHER:

(after a pause) Most likely you wouldn't remember Gus Cheebawster there in DeKalb, Rush.

RUSH:

No. (coldly) Let me see another one of these Christmas cards, please.

SADE:

Kiddie, we're busy here. Your father an' me...Hey, put that down. Take it away from him, Vic.

VIC:

I don't believe...

FLETCHER:

(impressively) Gus Cheebawster left DeKalb to amove to Tulsa Kansas. In Tulsa Kansas he married a woman seventeen years old, went into the automatic saxophone business, taught himself to ride horse-back without any horse, successfully passed fourteen nickels in counterfiet money he'd made at home himself out of ordinary ginger-bread, spent one whole winter sleeping on the handlbars of a bicycle to win a fifteen cent bet,--and later died.

RUSH:

Uh-huh, just as I thought.

VIC:

What's the matter?

RUSH:

This one says Mush too.

VIC:

Yeah?

RUSH:

(tough) Mr. an' Mrs. Victor Gook an' son Mush.

SADE:

Two botched-up ones, huh? Well, them big Chicago Christmas card companies hafta make mistakes now an' again. Vic will you address an envelope to...

RUSH:

(cold fire) They all say Mush.

VIC & SADE:

Oh no. Prob'ly what happened was...

RUSH:

I'll look through the stack an' find out how many say Mush.

SADE:

We got no time for fiddlin', son.

RUSH:

(significantly) No--I don't s'pose you have.

SADE:

Listen, I don't wanta hafta scold you, but...

VIC:

(little chuckle) Game's up, kiddo.

SADE:

What?

VIC:

Game's up. Pete, there has been an error made in the manufacture of these cards.

RUSH:

Ya don't hafta tell me. I could read the truth in both your faces. Every one of them cards says Mush instead of Rush; ain't that so?

VIC:

Yeah, but here's the thing. The mistake was made in Chicago an' now it's too late to put in another order an' your mother figured...

RUSH:

Ya mean to say you were going to send them cards?

SADE:

Not one person in a hundred would ever notice the Mush, son.

RUSH:

Mom, I've been fightin' the nick-name "Mush" all my life. "Mush" sounds like "Rush" an' ever since I been in grade-school guys have tried to tack it on me. I don't mind nicknames but I do mind "Mush". I've had plenty of fights about it. If you sent out these Christmas cards I'd be "Mush" till the day I die.

SADE:

(laughing it off) Oh, come now, after all...

RUSH:

You got Heinie Call's folks on your list, haven't ya?

SADE:

Sure, but....

RUSH:

An' Rooster Davis's an' Mildred Tisdel's an' Milton Welch's an' LeRoy Snow's

SADE:

Of course, but I don't think....

RUSH:

If your Christmas cards fall in the hands of them individuals I'm as good as sunk. I'd wanta leave town.

SADE:

Oh, Rush, Mercy me, a person'd think....

RUSH:

It's the absolute truth.

VIC:

I think the lad's got a case there, Sade.

SADE:

Well----whatcha wanta do? Throw these away?

VIC:

That's my recommendation.

SADE:

(pause)(giggles) Maybe this is a sloppy way to give Christmas cards at that.

VIC:

Yeah.

SADE:

(pause)(giggles) You mad, son?

RUSH:

(coldly) Oh no. I don't bear no grudge. However, in the future I'll check over very carefully what goes on in this family.

FLETCHER:

Fine, fine.

ANNOUNCER:

Which concludes another brief interlude at the small house half-way up in the next block.