1ST ANNCR:

CAVALIER Cigarettes....

2ND ANNCR:

CAVALIER Cigarettes....

1ST ANNCR:

America's great new King-size Cigarettes...

2ND ANNCR:

Bring you - MY FRIEND IRMA....

1ST ANNCR:

Created by Cy Howard, transcribed from Hollywood, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane.

(APPLAUSE)

 

MUSIC:

JANE THEME

JANE:

Ever hear the expression, "Into each life a little rain must fall"? Well, my name is Jane Stacy, and I live with Irma Peterson, The Niagara Falls of my life! Honestly, the things this girl comes up with is enough to make the Good Humor man go on a crying jag. Take the other day; I was reading the National Geographic Magazine, and I said to Irma, "Listen to this. A scientific nautical expedition has just discovered an ocean canyon off tbe coast of Guam that is 38,000 feet deep." And Irma said.

IRMA:

Well, I'll have to keep that in mind. I don't like to swim where it's too far over my head.

(COMMERCIAL)

 

1ST ANNCR:

Friends, there may not be much poetry, but there's a lot of truth in this little jingle. Listen:

2ND ANNCR:

Cavaliers milder? How do you know?

1ST ANNCR:

Eight out of ten who tried 'em say so!

2ND ANNCR:

Yes...among thousands of smokers who compared king-size Cavaliers with the cigarettes they'd been smoking, eight out of ten interviewed said Cavaliers are milder! If you want mildness and flavor in your cigarette, try king-size Cavaliers!

MUSIC:

THEME

JANE:

Irma.

IRMA:

Yes.

JANE:

Where's that rug I brought home yesterday for the hallway?

IRMA:

I threw it out.

JANE:

You threw it out?? Why?

IRMA:

Jane, no matter how tough things ever get with us, we're never going to keep stolen merchandise.

JANE:

Well, this is what I get for telling her it was a hooked rug. Now look, Irma...

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

IRMA:

I'll get it.

SOUND: RECEIVER UP

IRMA:

Hello...Yes, this is Irma Peterson...Who's calling?...The New York Secretarial Club...What?...You're sending over a group of members to see me? Well, of all the nerve...Good bye!

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

JANE:

Irma, why did you hang up like that?

IRMA:

How do you like that darned club of mine? Just because I'm behind one month in my dues, they're sending a delegation to see me. Well, I won't let them in.

JANE: Temper, Irma, temper...remember what I said. When you feel yourself getting angry, count to ten.

IRMA: Oh, that's no good. I never know what comes after seven and that makes me angrier. Can you imagine, my own club of which I have been a member for three years through snow and rain and heat and gloom of night, I allowed nothing to stop me from the swift completion of my appointed rounds.

JANE: Oh, the mail is going to be late tonight. Irma, are you sure they said they were coming over to collect the dues?

IRMA:

No, but that's just their sneaky way of doing things. Oh, it burns me up. Do you know, Jane, I never missed a meeting? The things I have done for that club...wearing my fingers to the bones knitting woolen socks for members whose husbands were overseas. And not ordinary socks, good socks...you know, gargoyles.

JANE:

Argyles. And Irma, I saw those socks you knitted, maybe that's why the girls are angry with you. Each one had six toes.

IRMA: Well, Jane, a soldier has to have a place to carry his money. And how about the charity work I've done for them? Last Thanksgiving, when they wanted to give turkeys away to poor families...I donated twelve.

JANE: Irma, handing out a dozen eggs to club members and asking them to sit on them until they hatch is not my idea of a donation.

IRMA:

Look, Jane, I've never let them down. I've sold chances. Why, last month I paid two dollars for a raffle ticket for a trip to the Coronation. Did I hesitate? No. I'm always doing things for that club. Everytime they need me, I'm the Johnny that puts them on the spot.

JANE: Well, maybe they just feel that members should pay their dues promptly.

IRMA:

Well, I paid my dues for the last time. When those girls get here I'm going to hand them my letter of resignation. Jane, will you write it for me?

JANE:

Oh no.

IRMA: I'll dictate.. Please, Jane.

JANE:

Oh, Irma, I think you're...oh well, if you insist. Make it short.

IRMA: (DICTATING) To the New York Secretarial Club...Dear Girls...No, cross it out, it's too friendly.

JANE:

All right, it's crossed.

IRMA:

Make it "Gentlemen".

JANE:

Gentlemen?

IRMA:

I, Irma Peterson, do hereby offer my tender resignation from the --

JANE:

No, Irma...I tender my resignation.

IRMA:

Good for you, Jane. We'll both quit.

JANE: Irma, I didn't say -- oh, never mind.

IRMA: Please continue, Jane.

JANE:

The pencil keeps cringing, but I'll try...Go ahead.

IRMA:

The reasons I am resigning from the club are: Number One, I've always been suspicious of our treasurer...Every time we pay dues, she buys a new hat. Number Two, When we had the pie baking contest, not only didn't I get a prize, but three of the judges sent me their doctors bills.

JANE: You're lucky it wasn't funeral expenses. Imagine baking chiffon pie with chiffon.

IRMA:

Well, they wanted original recipes.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR.

JANE:

This must be the Postal Inspector. I'll get it.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS...DOOR OPENS.

SCARLETT:

Hello, Jane, is Irma here?

JANE: Why, it's Scarlett Schultz. Yes, she's here. Come in.

SCARLETT:

Thank you, Jane.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

SCARLETT:

You know Violet Murphy and Lorelei Schmerbaum.

JANE:

Yes, of course...How are you, girls?

GIRLS:

(AD LIB HELLOS)

SCARLETT:

Oh, there you are, Irma...Irma?

JANE:

She's not talking.

SCARLETT: What's the matter, dearie...you got a cold?

IRMA: Jane, please tell them I'm out.

JANE: I see, and where should I say you've gone?

IRMA:

Just tell them I am not here.

VIOLET:

We know that, Irma, but we like you for what you are.

IRMA: Please, don't bring friendship up now..It's too late to lock the barn door after the horse is gone...and I'm not going back in.

LORELEI:

What's the matter, Irma, and why are you staring like that? Don't you recognize us? You have magnesia or something?

VIOLET:

I think she's popped her cork.

SCARLETT:

I think you're right, girls..Irma has flipped her lid.

IRMA:

Jane, give them the letter I dictated.

JANE: Well, if you insist.

SCARLETT:

I don't know what this letter is all about, but from the way Irma is acting, maybe we ought to hold another drawing and give the prize to someone else. She ain't all here.

IRMA:

Prize?

SCARLETT:

Yeah.

IRMA: What prize?

JANE:

Hold it, girls...I think the ghost of Irma is rejoining you.

IRMA:

I won a prize?

LORELEI:

The raffle, honey. An all-expense paid trip to the Coronation in England.

JANE:

What?

VIOLET:

We had the drawing last night at a special meeting and Irma's ticket was picked. That's why we came over...to give her the prize money.

JANE:

Irma, isn't this just wonderful...Imagine, you, of all the secretaries in New York.

SCARLETT:

Gee, you're lucky, Irma.

JANE:

Well, Irma, say something.

IRMA:

Give me back the letter.

VIOLET: Well, Irma, here's the check for all your expenses.

IRMA: Let me see...Oh, my gosh! Twenty dollars.

JANE:

Irma, that's two thousand dollars.

IRMA: All those nothings confuse me.

JANE: You were always confused by nothing. Cookie, two thousand dollars...

IRMA:

Oh, Jane, I'm so happy I could cry.

SCARLETT: We couldn't be happier if it were happening to us. Right, girls?

GIRLS:

(DOWN) Yeah.

SCARLETT:

Have fun, Irma, and remember when you get back you will be expected to give a speech at the club telling all about the Coronation.

IRMA:

Oh, I will...and to make sure nothing gets by me, when I get to London, I'll hire an interpreter.

SCARLETT:

Goodbye, Irma. Bon Voyage and if you see a couple of fellas over there who look lonely, tell them you know a couple of bundles that are willing to go to Britain. Come on, girls.

ALL:

AD LIB GOODBYES

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSE

IRMA:

Oh, Jane...I can't believe it!

JANE:

Just imagine, pretty soon you'll be seeing England, the Thames, Piccadilly Circus...oh, sweetie, I can't help but envy you.

IRMA:

Well, you could do the same thing if you saved your money.

JANE:

What are you talking about..."saving money"? You bought a raffle ticket.

IRMA:

Well, how do you think I got the two dollars? I saved it.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

JANE:

Come in.

SOUND: DOOR OPEN

WANDERKIN:

It's only me, if you don't mind...Maestro Wanderkin...Hello, girls, I - Irma darling, what's the matter? You got a Charley Horse? Why are you doing knee bends?

JANE:

That's supposed to be a curtsy...Irma is practicing for the Coronation.

WANDERKIN:

They're bringing it over here?

JANE:

No. Irma just won an all-expense-paid trip to England to see the Coronation.

WANDERKIN:

No fooling? Oh, that's marvelous, Irma..darling..I'm very happy for you...

IRMA:

Thank you, maestro..I still can't believe it's true.

WANDERKIN: Ah, England...I spent three years in London, you know.

JANE: Is that so?

WANDERKIN:

Yes..Every morning I would look out of my window and see Big Ben.

IRMA: Well, he better not go around looking through my window or there'll be trouble!

JANE:

Irma, Big Ben is a clock. Maestro, I'm a little bit worried about her going over there by herself.

WANDERKIN: What's to worry about? If she ever gets lost, she can ask a Bobby.

IRMA: A Bobby?

WANDERKIN:

Yes, that's what they call a policeman over there.

IRMA:

Well, since I'm a visitor, I'll be more formal. I'll ask for Robert.

JANE: Oh, I got a feeling that those English people don't know what a real fog is yet.

IRMA: Don't worry about me, Jane, I guarantee I'll know my way around as soon as I learn the language.

WANDERKIN:

This is very simple, Irma...just go around sucking on a lemon and you'll be talking just as plain as they do.

MRS. O:

(OFF SINGING) Why did you go away and leave me in Big MaMou?
You left me for another!
You left me alone and so blue!
Please come back,
Hey, Jack, come on back.

WANDERKIN:

Jack, if you know what's good for you, keep moving.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

MRS. O: Yoo hoo...anybody home?

JANE:

Come in, Mrs. O'Reilly.

SOUND: DOOR OPEN

MRS. O:

Hello, girls...hello, Maestro.

JANE:

Well, Mrs. O'Reilly, look at your hair..the new upsweep?

MRS. O:

Do you like it?

IRMA: I think it's very becoming.

WANDERKIN:

So do I because she looks like something that should be swept up!

MRS. O: Oh, nobody asked you. Well, what's new, girls?

JANE:

What's new? Mrs. O'Reilly, this will floor you. Irma has won a free trip to the Coronation.

MRS. O:

Glory be!

IRMA:

That's right. I bought the winning ticket in the raffle our club held.

MRS. O:

How do you like that? All my life I've been buying raffle tickets and all I won was three facial treatments at Sally's Beauty Parlor.

WANDERKIN:

I'd hate to see what the loser got.

MRS. O: If you don't keep still, I'll give you a facial treatment that plastic surgery won't cure. Irma darling, I can't tell you how excited I am for you. You know I spent most of my girlhood in London. (GIGGLES) Many is the kiss that was stolen in the fog.

IRMA: Really, Mrs. O'Reilly?

MRS. O:

Yes. When I was eighteen, I used to have a rendezvous with a handsome palace guard almost every night on one of the bridges that crossed the Thames river.

WANDERKIN:

And that's when they wrote that famous song, "London Bridges Falling Down"!

MRS. O:

That's the last straw! Get out of my way, girls.

WANDERKIN:

Take it easy, Mrs. O'Reilly...You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?

MRS. O:

Then take them off.

WANDERKIN:

This I can't do for two reasons...One, you would hit me..and number two...If I took off my glasses you might look attractive to me.

IRMA: Please, the two of you. Don't quarrel on the happiest day of my life. I've got so much to think of and so much to do.

JANE: Incidently, cookie, what are you going to tell your boss, Mr. Clyde?

IRMA: Oh, don't worry about him. I can take care of Mr. Clyde.

JANE:

Sure?

IRMA:

He'll do anything for me..Doesn't he send me a wire on my birthday every year?

JANE:

I know, and with a note attached to it asking you to hang yourself with it.

IRMA: Yes. He has such a wonderful sense of humor. I'll just tell him that I'm going to the Coronation, I'm sure he'll be very happy about it.

JANE:

Happy?

IRMA:

Yes, he's always said he'd be very happy to see me crowned!

ORCH:

END OF ACT

MIDDLE COMMERCIAL

1ST ANNCR:

Friends, if you really want to get the most possible pleasure from smoking, here are some facts that will interest you -- facts about new king-size Cavalier cigarettes. First, Cavaliers are the new king-size blend made by the makers of Camels.

2ND ANNCR:

Fact number two relates to Cavaliers' great mildness. Thousands of smokers from coast to coast compared king-size Cavaliers with the cigarettes they'd been smoking, and 8 out of 10 interviewed said Cavaliers are milder! Cavaliers were compared with all the other leading brands, perhaps the brand you now smoke!

1ST ANNCR:

90% of the Marine personnel interviewed at San Diego, California...84% of the bathers interviewed on Lake Michigan beaches...said Cavaliers are milder!

2ND ANNCR:

Try Cavaliers. See how they combine great mildness with wonderful, fresh flavor. Yes, Cavaliers' fine, light tobaccos are specially blended to bring out all their flavor, as well as great mildness! And listen: although they're king-size and made by the makers of Camels, Cavaliers are priced no higher than leading regular-size brands. You pay nothing extra for Cavaliers' extra length! Try king-size Cavaliers now!

ACT TWO

MUSIC:

THEME

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN AND CLOSES

IRMA:

(BREATHLESS) Oh, Mr. Clyde, Mr. Clyde....

CLYDE: Yes, Miss Peterson.

IRMA:

I'm leaving the country.

CLYDE:

What did Al do?

IRMA:

No, I won a free trip to see the Coronation.

CLYDE:

Wait a minute! You're going to London?

IRMA:

Yes.

CLYDE:

Well, this ought to louse up Lend Lease for good. When are you leaving?

IRMA:

Right away.

CLYDE:

No, you're not. You're not going until you apologize to Mr. Brown.

IRMA:

Mr. Brown?

CLYDE: Yes, that letter I dictated to you last week...

IRMA:

Yes?

CLYDE:

He's suing me.

IRMA:

Why?

CLYDE:

I told you to write that Mrs. Brown had complained that there were leaks in the plumbing and that the head of the hot water boiler had spouted steam causing rust to form on all the pipes. I did not say that there was a leak in Mrs. Brown's head and she was steamed up because Mr. Brown's pipes were all rusty. Now, get on that phone.

IRMA:

All right, Mr. Clyde.

SOUND: RECEIVER UP

IRMA:

But what shall I tell Mr. Brown?

CLYDE:

Tell him that through a stupid mistake of yours, you got the details of the plumbing confused and you meant nothing against his wife, one of the loveliest women a man can marry.

SOUND:

DIAL

IRMA:

All that?

CLYDE:

Tell it to him.

IRMA: (ON PHONE) Hello?

CLYDE:

Go on.

IRMA:

(ON PHONE) Hello, Mr. Brown. This is Miss Peterson, Mr. Clyde's secretary. I know it's a lovely mistake but you must not let the plumbing confuse you just because you were stupid enough to marry Mrs. Brown.

CLYDE: Give that phone.(INTO PHONE) Brown, I'll call you later...please understand.

SOUND:

SLAMS RECEIVER

CLYDE:

Miss Peterson, get out of here...go to the Coronation.

IRMA:

Oh, it's so nice to have your blessing. I'll just be in time to get my shots.

CLYDE:

Then by all means, go. And you can tell the people who give you the shots, I'd be honored if they would use my gun. Now, get out of here!

MUSIC:

STINGER

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN

JANE:

Is that you, Cookie?

IRMA:

Jane, what an experience I just had. If I wasn't so bright, someone could have taken advantage of me.

JANE: What do you mean?

IRMA:

Well, they use different money in England than we do here.

JANE:

Yes, I know.

IRMA:

So, when I was at the bank, I asked them to change my two thousand dollars for English money. They said they would give me 800 pounds.

JANE: Well, what did you do?

IRMA:

They couldn't fool me. I put it on the scale...800 pounds? It hardly weighed four ounces.

JANE: Irma, I think the time has come for a conference. I don't think you should try and tackle this trip alone.

IRMA:

Why not?

JANE:

Well, there are so many things to do and so many things to buy, you're going to get taken.

IRMA:

Really, Jane, how can you say this? I happen to be a very clever shopper.

JANE: Yes, like that lace tablecloth you bought last week....Genuine imported Army Surplus Mosquito Netting.

IRMA: Well, the man showed me the label said, "Unusual Damascus".

JANE:

"Unusual Damascus"? That said, "Unusable - Damaged".

IRMA: So, I made one mistake.

JANE:

One mistake? What happened last month when I sent you out to buy a Lazy Susan? What did you come back with?

IRMA:

A man-hole cover on a step. [stick?]

JANE:

See what I mean?

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR.

JANE:

Come in.

SOUND:

DOOR OPEN.

AL:

H'ya, Jane. Hello, chicken.

IRMA:

Hello, Al honey.

AL: Chicken, they told me...Did you really win the raffle?

IRMA:

Yes, Al, it's true. I got a check for two thousand dollars for a trip to London to see the Coronation.

AL:

You're not going, of course.

IRMA:

Sure, I'm going, Al. I'm supposed to...That's what the prize is for.

AL: Forget it, chicken...who's going to know? That two G's makes a great beginning for our coming nuptials.

IRMA: Please, Al, it's not too polite to talk about those things until after we're married.

AL:

Besides, I don't like the idea of your wandering around a foreign country. I'm a little suspicious of them English guys who drink tea in the afternoon.

IRMA:

What are you suspicious about, Al?

AL:

Well, every time they see a dame they say, "Pip pip". What business is it of theirs if you're a pip?

IRMA:

But, Al, what's that got to do with me?

AL:

It just ain't safe. Look at that outfit they got called Scotland Yard. Believe me, they can't be running their business right if they have to rent their police station from another country.

IRMA:

Well, there's no point in my going to the Coronation...I'm learning all about it here.

AL:

Personally, Chicken, I don't think it's safe for a dame to go over there by herself...In English movies a dame gets knifed, strangled, poisoned and shot...and what happens? Them guys just sit around saying, "Cheerio" and "Hey wot". Even Gary Cooper says more than that.

IRMA:

Al, you're just like the rest of them...no one thinks I can take care of myself.

AL:

It ain't just that, Chicken. I don't think you'll fit in over there.

IRMA: Why, Al?

AL:

You're afraid of an ordinary housefly. How you going to get along with people who play with crickets all day?

IRMA:

Well....

AL:

And suppose they ask you to go ride the hounds?

IRMA: Well, I never have been on a dog but there's a first time for everything.

AL: No, chicken, you don't get on the dog. You get on the fox and you chase the dog. That's known as Chutney.

JANE: Well, if this doesn't break up the United Nations, nothing will. Al, I don't think it's your business to stand here and discourage Irma. She's won a prize that comes once in a lifetime and I want her to have fun. It's just that I don't want her to handle all the details herself.

AL:

Well, there you're right, Jane. Chicken, how do you plan to go, boat or plane?

IRMA:

Well, I think a ship is safer, a plane could fall. On the other hand, the plane could fall on the ship. I think I'll take a train.

JANE: You see what I mean, Al...and she wants to handle all the details herself.

IRMA:

That's right. I'll do my own shopping. What if you bought me the same dress Her Majesty is wearing?

JANE:

Then we'll just have to ask Her Majesty to leave the Coronation.

IRMA:

Please Jane, be serious. Why, I'll be so embarrassed that I'll probably fall off the Tower of London.

JANE:

What?

IRMA:

Well, I'm going to try and get a good seat for the parade.

JANE:

Look, Irma...

IRMA:

Jane, my mind is made up. This is my trip and I'm going to handle it my way. Now, first of all, what's the temperature over there?

AL:

Well, it might be a little cool in the evening.

IRMA:

Oh. Well then, I think I'll buy one of those hot water bottles they use over there...you know, the ones with the tubes sticking out?

JANE: Irma, that's a bag pipe. You play it, you don't sleep on it.

IRMA: Well, I'm just feeling my way. Don't you worry, Jane. When I come back from my shopping trip, everything will be under control.

JANE:

Irma, I beg you. Don't look for bargains. Don't buy anything second-hand. Make sure everything is new. Go on the newest boat. Stop at the newest hotel. Wear the newest clothes.

IRMA:

I won't forget, Jane. Everything new. Why, I may even come back with something that isn't even out yet.

MUSIC: STINGER

IRMA:

Hello.

MAN:

What can I do for you, Miss?

IRMA:

What's new?

SALESMAN: I beg your pardon?

IRMA:

That's all I can buy. What's new?

SALESMAN:

Madam, I haven't got all day. Are you interested in some luggage?

IRMA:

Yes. What's this bag here?

SALESMAN:

That's genuine snakeskin.

IRMA: Old snakes or new?

SALESMAN:

We don't know. When we caught them they didn't have their birth certificates.

IRMA:

Well, I can't take any chances because....

MUSIC:

STINGER

WOMAN:

Yes, Miss?

IRMA:

I'm going to take a trip and I would like to get my shots.

WOMAN:

Shots? Now what sort of preventive shots did you have in mind?

IRMA:

I don't know. What's the newest diseases?

WOMAN:

I beg your pardon?

IRMA:

My roommate said I didn't know how to shop and that I should only get the newest things. But maybe first of all, I better get a shot for rabies.

WOMAN:

Rabies?

IRMA: Yes, I'm going to London and I heard that song, "Mad Dogs and Englishmen". And I don't know which I'm going out with.

MUSIC:

STINGER

JANE:

Irma, Irma, you better hurry. You've got to get to the airport.

IRMA:

Don't worry, Jane, I'm all packed.

JANE:

Oh, Sweetie, I'm going to miss you terribly but have the most wonderful time in the world.

IRMA:

I will, Jane. Aren't you proud that I took care of all the arrangements myself?

JANE:

Well, I must say, you amazed me. Here honey, here's a little farewell gift for you.

IRMA:

Oh, it's a lavalier?

JANE:

No, it's a tag. If you get lost, they'll mail you back to me.

MRS. O: And here's something from me, Irma.

IRMA:

What is it?

MRS. O:

Just a little cake that says, "Bon Voyage".

IRMA: Oh, thank you.

WANDERKIN:

Throw it away, Irma..at once.

IRMA:

Why?

WANDERKIN:

[They'll think you went to Ireland and broke off a piece of the Blarney Stone. ...] If you ever get to Ireland, they'll arrest you for breaking off a piece of the Blarney Stone.

IRMA:

Oh, I'm going miss you [all] so much.

JANE:

You'll tell us all about it later when we see you off at the airport.

IRMA:

No, Jane, I want to say goodbye here. I've handled everything so far, and I don't want to feel like I'm a little baby that can't be trusted to get on the right plane.

JANE:

But, Irma...

IRMA:

Everybody kiss me goodbye. Goodbye, Jane.

SOUND:

KISS

JANE:

Goodbye, Cookie.

WANDERKIN:

And now, Irma darling, let me kiss you goodbye. Mrs. O'Reilly, don't you dare stand in front of her.

MRS. O: (GIGGLES) Oh, I lost my head for a minute.

IRMA:

Goodbye, maestro.

SOUND: KISS

IRMA:

And you, Mrs. O'Reilly.

SOUND:

KISS

MRS. O:

(CRIES) Goodbye, dear. Now you got me crying and my mascara is running.

WANDERKIN:

Well, tell it to run after your eyelashes...they just fell off.

IRMA: And you, Al.

AL: My chicky.

IRMA: My wicky.

JANE: [Chicky, wicky.] That reminds me, here's some Dramamine in case you get air sicky.

AD LIB: GOODBYES

MUSIC:

STINGER ... JANE THEME

JANE:

Well, Irma's been gone two days now...she's probably over in London...you know, she surprised me...took care of all the arrangements herself...I'm sure the first thing she did was to go to Buckingham Palace to watch the changing of the guards and I'm sure she tried to time it so she got there before the prices change.

SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... REC UP

JANE: Hello?

IRMA:

(FILTER) Hello..is that you, Jane?

JANE:

Irma! Is this an overseas call?

IRMA:

(FILTER) Well, not exactly.

JANE: What do you mean, not exactly?

IRMA:

(FILTER) Well, remember when I went shopping, you told me to get everything new?

JANE:

Yes?

IRMA:

(FILTER) Well, sometimes it doesn't work out so good.

JANE:

What do you mean?

IRMA:

(FILTER) Well, when I bought my ticket at the airport, the fellow asked me if I was going to merry old England.

JANE:

Yes?

IRMA:

(FILTER) [So I said] I don't want anything old, I'm a good shopper. I want New England.

JANE: What? - Irma, where are you?

IRMA:

(FILTER) I'm in Boston! (BAWLS)

ORCH:

TAG

APPLAUSE

BOB:

Irma & Jane will be back in a moment.

CLOSING COMMERCIAL

1ST ANNCR:

No doubt about it...the big news in cigarettes today is new king-size Cavaliers made by the makers of Camels!

2ND ANNCR:

Have you tried new king-size Cavaliers? You should, if you want both mildness and flavor in your cigarette. Why, talk about mild! Just listen to this:

1ST ANNCR:

Thousands of smokers in group after group, from coast to coast, compared king-size Cavaliers with the cigarettes they'd been smoking. And 8 out of 10 interviewed said Cavaliers are milder! Here's what Captain Bill Miller of TWA, Trans World Airlines, said about Cavaliers: I found Cavaliers noticeably milder than the cigarette I'd been smoking, and I certainly go for their flavor!

Thousands of smokers agree...thousands are switching to new king-size Cavaliers!

2ND ANNCR:

Don't forget...king-size Cavaliers are made by the makers of Camels! That explains their great quality. And, although they're king-size, Cavaliers are priced no higher than leading regular-size brands. So be sure to try king-size Cavaliers! Buy a carton!

MUSIC

VIGNETTE

JANE:

Well, Irma is back. Right now, she's in the bedroom and she seems to be writing something and mumbling. Irma, what are you writing?

IRMA:

My speech to the Secretarial Club about the Coronation.

JANE:

The Coronation? What in the world have you written?

IRMA:

(READS) London is a beautiful city and it is famous for baked beans and the Boston Red Sox.

JANE:

Well, isn't it a small world? At this moment, history is being made across the ocean..a lovely queen is having a crown dropped upon her head while here, I live with a little queen who was once dropped upon the crown of her head.

That's right, My Friend Irma.

MUSIC:

ANNCR:

"My Friend Irma" is a Cy Howard Production and is directed by Parke Levy who writes the script with Stanley Adams. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. Kenny Delmar was heard as Maestro Wanderkin, Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly, Sid Tomack was Al, and Alan Reed as Mr. Clyde.

Also included, were SANDRA GOULD, ELVIA ALLMAN, HAZEL SHERMET AND STANLEY ADAMS.

Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin.

Until next Tuesday, your friend Irma says:

IRMA:

Hope you'll always have a Cavalier nearby. King-size!

ANNCR:

Bob Lemond speaking, transcribed from Hollywood and saying goodnight for Cavalier Cigarettes.