ANNOUNCER:

Palmolive Soap, your beauty hope, and Lustre-Creme Shampoo, for soft, glamorous, caressable hair, bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME

ANNOUNCER:

August twelfth marked the end of summer school duties for the nation's teachers. Among them, our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison high school. Yes, August is the month when school teachers heed the siren call of travel, and see such wonders as the Taj Mahal, the Eiffel Tower, and the Coliseum at Rome.

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) Then they finish their popcorn and leave the newsreel theater. ... Last Friday morning I left my bedroom and made the long trek to the dinette where my landlady, Mrs. Davis, greeted me with some breakfast.

SOUND:

BREAKFAST TABLE BACKGROUND

DAVIS:

I hope you enjoy your orange juice better than I did mine, Connie.

BROOKS:

What was the matter with yours, Mrs. Davis?

DAVIS:

It was too hard. Guess I didn't take it out of the freezer in time. ...

BROOKS:

Oh.

DAVIS:

I have a brand-new deep freeze, you know. It was a gift.

BROOKS:

You, too?

DAVIS:

My brother Victor sent it over. He's such a dear. But, Connie, why did you have to get up so early today? Summer school's all over with, isn't it?

BROOKS:

Yes, but I've got an appointment at the hairdresser's.

DAVIS:

Hmm, an appointment at the hairdresser's usually signifies a date with a certain biology teacher. Are you having lunch with Mr. Boynton, Connie?

BROOKS:

You should be a fortune teller, Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS:

(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's funny. I just got in a brand-new supply of tea leaves. Now, you wait right here and I'll brew some. ...

BROOKS:

Uh, not now, Mrs. Davis. Walter Denton's due any minute to give me a lift.

DAVIS:

Oh. Is your car in the shop again?

BROOKS:

Yes, I dented my radiator pretty badly the other day. I got a ticket, too, for passing a car on the left.

DAVIS:

But that's not illegal, passing a car on the left.

BROOKS:

It is when the car's approaching you. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

BROOKS:

I appreciate this hitch, Walter. And it's a beautiful day for a ride.

WALTER:

Yeah, it sure is, Miss Brooks. Uh, notice anything different about the car?

BROOKS:

The car? Why, yes -- the top is down. But, Walter, this wasn't a convertible. It was a Club Coupe with a hardtop.

WALTER:

Sure.

BROOKS:

Well, what did you do? Take the top off?

WALTER:

I didn't have to. It fell off. ... Twelve of us went for a ride the other night, and that's when it happened.

BROOKS:

Twelve? Walter, you shouldn't put twelve people in one car.

WALTER:

Oh, they weren't all in the car. Six of 'em were on top. ... That's why it caved in, I guess.

BROOKS:

I guess. I hope no one was hurt.

WALTER:

No. No, fortunately there were all girls inside and they're pretty soft. ... Harriet Conklin got a little annoyed, though. She likes the car better with the top on. Oh, say, that reminds me; I promised to give Harriet a lift downtown also, Miss Brooks. Her dad left the house early this morning and he's got their car. Uh, do you mind if we pick her up on the way?

BROOKS:

Not at all, Walter. But please make it snappy.

WALTER:

Okay. She lives right down this block.

SOUND:

CAR SPEEDS UP FAST, THEN STOPS SHORT WITH SQUEALING BRAKES, THEN ENGINE OUT

WALTER:

(PROUD) Is that snappy enough for ya? ...

BROOKS:

(DRY) Great. We can pick up my head on the way back. ...

WALTER:

Oh, there's Harriet on the porch with her mother.

HARRIET:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) You don't have to come to the door, Walter! I'll be right there!

WALTER:

(CALLS) Okay, Harriet!

MARTHA:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Uh, who's that in the car with you, Walter?

WALTER:

(CALLS) Miss Brooks!

MARTHA:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Who?

WALTER:

(VERY LOUD) Miss Brooks! ...

BROOKS:

(DRY) That's what we teachers need -- publicity. ...

MARTHA:

(CALLS, FROM OFF) Would you come up to the porch a minute, Miss Brooks? I'd like to talk to you about something.

BROOKS:

All right, Mrs. Conklin!

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS ... BROOKS' STEPS TO PORCH

HARRIET:

Hello, Miss Brooks!

BROOKS:

Hello, Harriet.

MARTHA:

I'd like to talk to Miss Brooks alone for a minute, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Okay, mother. (MOVING OFF) I'll wait for you in the car, Miss Brooks.

MARTHA:

Well, my dear, I haven't seen you in ever so long.

BROOKS:

It has been quite a while, Mrs. Conklin. But I've been working pretty hard at school.

MARTHA:

Yes, I know. So has Mr. Conklin. He's down there now filing some reports on the summer session. That's what I want to talk to you about, Miss Brooks. I think a little vacation would do you a lot of good.

BROOKS:

Yes, I suppose it would, but--

MARTHA:

As you know, Mr. Conklin and I have a little summer cottage at Crystal Lake. Now, tomorrow, Saturday, is our anniversary and I'd like to spend it up at the lake. Why don't you join us and help us celebrate?

BROOKS:

Well, I really don't know, Mrs. Conklin. You see, in a moment of weakness I promised Mr. Boynton the entire weekend.

MARTHA:

(SURPRISED) When did you do that, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

At lunch, in about an hour from now. ... That is, I'm sure he'll accept-- er, invite me. ...

MARTHA:

So much the better! Bring Mr. Boynton along. You know, seeing how happy our married life is might give Mr. Boynton some ideas on the subject.

BROOKS:

Why, Mrs. Conklin, I don't know what you're driving at. ...

MARTHA:

(INCREASINGLY RAPID) I've seen you look at Mr. Boynton, Miss Brooks, and when one woman sees another woman look at a man the way you look at Mr. Boynton, Miss Brooks, that woman knows that the other woman is thinking thoughts about that man that a woman has thought about a man since men and women were created. ...

BROOKS:

(ASIDE, DRY) From the picture "Little Man, You've Had a Busy Woman." ... Now look, Mrs. Conklin, I am fond of Mr. Boynton, but I don't want people to think that I--

MARTHA:

(INTERRUPTS) Oh, well, they will anyway, so you might as well land him! ... I tell you what. You and Mr. Boynton come up to Crystal Lake tomorrow and you can be our house guests over the weekend. We'll surprise Mr. Conklin.

BROOKS:

(DUBIOUS) Maybe Mr. Conklin doesn't want to be surprised.

MARTHA:

You leave Osgood to me, Miss Brooks. He'll be delighted to see you when I get through with him, I'm sure. ... You know, I think Crystal Lake will be extremely conducive to romance.

BROOKS:

Mrs. Conklin, you've just sold me. When I have lunch with Mr. Boynton today, I'll extend to him your very kind invitation to spend the weekend in your trap at Crystal Lake-- er, cottage. ...

MARTHA:

Fine. But remember, Miss Brooks, don't breathe a word of this to Mr. Conklin.

BROOKS:

Don't worry about that. When Mr. Conklin's around, I hardly breathe at all.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

MALT SHOP BACKGROUND

BOYNTON:

I, er-- I hope you like the idea of lunching in Marty's Malt Shop, Miss Brooks. We haven't had lunch here since summer school ended.

BROOKS:

Oh, I love to eat right across the street from school, Mr. Boynton. Of course, I feel a little like a criminal returning to the scene of the crime, but the food's quite good today.

BOYNTON:

Yes, this chili is delicious.

BROOKS:

Do you always eat chili that way, with mustard and pepper and horseradish?

BOYNTON:

Yes. I'm afraid I have a cast-iron stomach, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Really? Who helps you carry it to school? ...

BOYNTON:

Well, I've always liked hot dishes, Miss Brooks. I think spicy things enhance a meal tremendously.

BROOKS:

That goes for "life," too, doesn't it, Mr. Boynton? ...

BOYNTON:

What do you mean, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Mr. Boynton, instead of our usual Saturday date, how would you like to get out of town for the weekend?

BOYNTON:

What? And leave you all alone? I should say not. ...

BROOKS:

You wouldn't leave me. I'd be with you.

BOYNTON:

(CHOKES VIOLENTLY ON HIS FOOD) ...

SOUND:

DURING ABOVE, RATTLE OF SPOON AND BOWL ON TABLE

BROOKS:

Oh, what a shame. You've got chili all over your tie.

BOYNTON:

I'm wearing a sport shirt; I haven't got a tie.

BROOKS:

You have now. ... I didn't mean to shock you, Mr. Boynton, but Mrs. Conklin's invited us up to their summer cottage at Crystal Lake, because tomorrow's their anniversary and she wants us to help surprise Mr. Conklin.

BOYNTON:

(MYSTIFIED) But why you and I, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Because Mrs. Conklin's noticed how hard I've worked during the summer session and she thought it would be fun for me. 'Course, if you don't want to go, I'll tell her I can't go either. That's all right. (UNSTRESSED IRONY) I - don't have to get any rest or relaxation. ... Cool mountains. I can have just as good a time right here, just staring into a mirror and watching the melted powder run down my nose. ...

BOYNTON:

Well, please, Miss Brooks, I wouldn't want to deprive you of any fun, but--

BROOKS:

Good! What time will you pick me up tomorrow? ...

BOYNTON:

Well, all right. I'll call for you at ten o'clock.

BROOKS:

Oh, fine! Then we can-- Oh, excuse me a moment, Mr. Boynton. Mr. Conklin just sat down at that table by the window. I'd like to talk to him.

BOYNTON:

I thought we were going to surprise him.

BROOKS:

Oh, I'm not going to mention our coming to Crystal Lake. I just want to sound him out about my chances of heading the English department in the coming semester. The job's open,
you know.

BOYNTON:

Yes, I know. Well, I wish you luck, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

Thanks, Mr. Boynton. I'll be back in a minute.

SOUND:

BROOKS' STEPS TO CONKLIN

BROOKS:

(APPROACHES) Good afternoon, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

I'll have the businessman's lunch, Miss. But I'll do without the soup and I can do without the potatoes. ...

BROOKS:

Mr. Conklin, I'm not your waitress. It's me -- Miss Brooks.

CONKLIN:

(SOURLY) I can do without you, too. ...

BROOKS:

I don't want to disturb you during your lunch, Mr. Conklin, but--

CONKLIN:

(INTERRUPTS) Good. Then I'll see you later. ...

BROOKS:

I just have one, brief question to ask, Mr. Conklin. May I sit down for a moment?

CONKLIN:

(RELUCTANT) I suppose so. Have you had your lunch?

BROOKS:

Yes, sir, with Mr. Boynton over there.

CONKLIN:

Over where? Oh. Oh, there, yes. Quite an attractive tie he has on. ... Miss Brooks, you and Mr. Boynton see a good deal of each other, don't you?

BROOKS:

Well, now that summer school's over, we do seem--

CONKLIN:

(INTERRUPTS) You spend quite a bit of time together both in and out of school. People are beginning to talk.

BROOKS:

What people, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

Well, members of the school board. You're still being considered as the possible new head of the English department and of course--

BROOKS:

(INTERRUPTS) Oh, that's just what I wanted to--

CONKLIN:

(INTERRUPTS) Don't interrupt, Miss Brooks. ... Naturally, my recommendation will carry a lot of weight with the board, but you know how I feel about fraternization among the faculty at Madison, Miss Brooks, and I-- Well, it would be different if you were married, or even engaged to Mr. Boynton. Then I wouldn't mind so much.

BROOKS:

Thanks. Heaps. ... I mean, how can one ever get engaged if one doesn't fraternize with one? Or, more than one, if necessary-- ... --to find the right one?

CONKLIN:

That is your problem, Miss Brooks. Uh, my anniversary is tomorrow and I'm going to surprise Mrs. Conklin with a little trip to Crystal Lake. We have a cottage there, you know.

BROOKS:

Yes, I know.

CONKLIN:

Now, if I could feel that your conduct over the weekend was above reproach-- Well, I'd enjoy my vacation that much more.

BROOKS:

Believe me, Mr. Conklin, you won't be hearing a thing about Mr. Boynton and myself.

CONKLIN:

Good. (LOW, CONFIDENTIAL) Tell me, Miss Brooks. There's really nothing to your association, is there?

BROOKS:

(LOW, CONFIDENTIAL) Well, Mr. Conklin, I think I can tell you the truth.

CONKLIN:

Yes, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

My association with Mr. Boynton is the biggest "nothing" you ever saw. ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

ANNOUNCER:

OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment, but first, here is Verne Smith.

2ND ANNCR:

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ANNOUNCER:

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2ND ANNCR:

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ANNOUNCER:

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2ND ANNCR:

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ANNOUNCER:

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2ND ANNCR:

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MUSIC:

THEME ... FOR BRIDGE, THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Well, Saturday morning found the Conklins on the porch of their cottage at Crystal Lake. Let's look in on them as Mr. Conklin sways gently to and fro in the porch hammock.

SOUND:

OUTDOORSY BACKGROUND (BIRDS, ET CETERA) ... SQUEAK OF SWINGING HAMMOCK

CONKLIN:

Ahhh, this is the life, Martha. I'm certainly glad we surprised each other with this little trip.

MARTHA:

I knew you'd enjoy yourself here, Osgood.

CONKLIN:

Ah, it'll be wonderful to get away from the school for a few days. Not that I don't enjoy working with my teachers. They're a grand group of people; cooperative, capable. But it'll be such a relief not to have to look at their long faces for a while. ...

MARTHA:

Just relax, dear, and smoke your pipe. I've a little dusting to do.

CONKLIN:

Well, I think I'll take a nap. This hammock's very restful. (AMOROUS) Er, before you go, how about a little anniversary kiss, eh?

MARTHA:

(GIRLISHLY COY) Oh, but, Osgood! It's only one o'clock in the afternoon. We weren't married till three. ...

CONKLIN:

That's all right. Let's have a little preview. ...

MARTHA:

(AMUSED) Osgood, I declare, I don't know what comes over you when we come up here. It must be the mountain air.

CONKLIN:

Must be. ... (THROATY, LIKE A MOVIE LOVER) Come here, baby. ...

MARTHA:

Will you stop it? Now, dear, you just drop off to sleep and I'll wake you up in about an hour.

CONKLIN:

Fine, fine. (BEAT, BIG YAWN)

SOUND:

CAR PULLS UP AND SCREECHES TO A STOP ... BANG-BANG-BANG! AND THUMP! OF CAR DOORS AND CAR TRUNK AND LUGGAGE AND STEPS ONTO WOODEN PORCH, VERY NOISILY DURING FOLLOWING--

BOYNTON:

(SLIGHTLY OFF, BUT LOUD) I'll get your bag out of the trunk!

BROOKS:

(THE SAME) Don't forget the little bag in back!

BOYNTON:

Mm hm, there we are. I guess it's right up these porch steps, huh?!

BROOKS:

(IN CLOSE, LOUD) Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?!

CONKLIN:

(AWAKES WITH A START) Huh? What is it? Who in the world--? (UPSET) Miss Brooks! Mr. Boynton! What are you doing here?

BROOKS:

That's what I like about Crystal Lake -- the hospitality. ...

MARTHA:

(APPROACHES) What's all the commotion about?! Oh, it's you, Miss Brooks! And Mr. Boynton! I'm so glad you could come!

CONKLIN:

Martha, did you have anything to do with--?

MARTHA:

Of course, dear. I asked Miss Brooks and Mr. Boynton to spend the weekend with us. That's one surprise I didn't tell you. Aren't you tickled?! ...

CONKLIN:

(NOT TICKLED) Yes. ...

MARTHA:

(LOW, POINTED) Act like you're tickled, Osgood, dear. You certainly don't look tickled.

BROOKS:

Some people tickle easier than others. ...

BOYNTON:

Maybe Mr. Conklin would rather be alone.

MARTHA:

Oh, nonsense, Mr. Boynton. Osgood and I see as much of each other alone as we want to. (MERRILY SUGGESTIVE) We're already married, you know. (GIGGLES)

BOYNTON:

Yes, I know. Congratulations on your anniversary.

MARTHA:

Oh, thank you, Mr. Boynton. I always say, "married life is give and take."

CONKLIN:

(UNHAPPY) Me, too. ... If you'd given me a little warning, I wouldn't have let you take me here. ...

MARTHA:

(LOW, POINTED) Quiet, dear. (UP) Now, you two must be all hot and sticky from your drive up here. I hope you both have a bathing suit.

BROOKS:

For Mr. Conklin's sake, I hope we each have a bathing suit. ...

MARTHA:

Well, I'll just show you where to change. Just follow me and we'll all get ready for a nice dip.

CONKLIN:

(SULLEN) I don't want to go for a dip. ...

MARTHA:

Now, dear, we must do the things our guests want to do.

CONKLIN:

(BEAT) Why? ...

BOYNTON:

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm afraid I don't have a suit with me. I forgot to pack it.

MARTHA:

Oh, that's all right, Mr. Boynton. I'll fix you up with one of Osgood's. Come along! (MOVING OFF) You can nap a few more minutes, Osgood. I'll take the folks in tow.

CONKLIN:

Yes, yes. Do that. ...

SOUND:

MARTHA, BROOKS, AND BOYNTON'S STEPS FROM PORCH, THROUGH SCREEN DOOR, AND INTO HOUSE

BROOKS:

Sounds like he'd like you to tow us about three miles and then sink us. ...

SOUND:

1ST INNER DOOR OPENS

MARTHA:

Now, you go right in here, Mr. Boynton. You'll find a bathing suit in the bottom drawer of that dresser.

BOYNTON:

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Conklin.

SOUND:

1ST INNER DOOR CLOSES ... MARTHA AND BROOKS' STEPS TO 2ND DOOR BEHIND--

MARTHA:

Now, here's the guest room. You and my daughter Harriet are going to share it for the weekend.

SOUND:

2ND DOOR OPENS

MARTHA:

Now, before I leave you, dear, I want you to know that I planned this weekend for your sake more than anybody's. When Mr. Boynton sees how happy we are, I'm sure he'll start thinking of marriage as the jolly institution it is! Well, what do you say? Are you game?

BROOKS:

Looks like Mr. Boynton's the "game," but it's worth a try. ... You know, I really do like the guy, Mrs. Conklin.

MARTHA:

I know you do, my dear. Now, one more thing. In addition to our example, I think you should show your domesticity as well. So tonight I want you to cook the dinner.

BROOKS:

(HORRIFIED) Me?!

MARTHA:

Definitely. What dish do you prepare best?

BROOKS:

Soup. ...

MARTHA:

What, er-- What kind?

BROOKS:

Campbell's. ...

MARTHA:

I think if you'd cook something yourself it would make a much better impression on Mr. Boynton. I know! You can barbecue some spareribs for dinner. Now, get into your suit and I'll see you on the porch. (SIMPERING GIGGLE, OVERCOME WITH ENTHUSIASM) Isn't this fun?! I - I just feel like it's a - a regular fox hunt! Tally-ho! Yoiks and away! ...

BROOKS:

Tally-ho to you, Mrs. Conklin. (TO HERSELF) And I hope we don't all make a bunch of yoiks out of ourselves. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

SQUEAK OF HAMMOCK ... OUT BEHIND--

CONKLIN:

(MISERABLE) Stop rocking the hammock, Martha; I'm getting seasick. ...

MARTHA:

Now, remember, Osgood, we've got to make a good impression for Miss Brooks' sake.

CONKLIN:

I don't like it, Martha. I never did believe in this matchmaking business. Besides, I thought we'd be here alone, at least part of the time. Confound it; all this mountain air going to waste. ...

MARTHA:

It won't go to waste, dear. There's always - tonight.

CONKLIN:

(AMOROUS AGAIN) Yes. ... (THROATY) Come here, baby. ...

MARTHA:

Osgood? Remember what I used to call you when we were first married?

CONKLIN:

(DIRTY CHUCKLE) Yes. ... Call me it again, Martha.

MARTHA:

All right. (SIMPERING GIGGLE) "Sugar cookie." ...

CONKLIN:

Am I really your sugar cookie still?

BROOKS:

Well, your icing's a little whiter. ... But you're still a sugar cookie to Mrs. Conklin, I'm sure.

CONKLIN:

(ANNOYED) Miss Brooks, where did you--?

MARTHA:

(INTERRUPTS) Hello, Miss Brooks. My, what a lovely one-piece bathing suit.

SOUND:

SCREEN DOOR OPENS

BOYNTON:

Hello, there. Everybody all ready?

BROOKS:

Oh, it's Mr. Fox-- er, Mr. Boynton. ...

MARTHA:

Why, Mr. Conklin's suit fits you perfectly, Mr. Boynton! Don't you think so, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Yes, it's very nice, but aren't the sleeves a little wide at the wrist? ...

CONKLIN:

(DOUR) That is one of my older ones, I believe.

BOYNTON:

(IMPRESSED) That's quite a suit you have on, Miss Brooks.

MARTHA:

She made it herself, didn't you dear?

BROOKS:

Yes. Out of an old stocking and some pen-wipers. ...

BOYNTON:

It's - it's certainly revealing. I never knew you had a beauty mark there, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

(STARTLED) Where?!

BOYNTON:

Right below your elbow there.

BROOKS:

Oh.

MARTHA:

(AMUSED, PLEASED) Mr. Boynton! You're staring! Isn't he a naughty dickens?

BROOKS:

He's about as naughty as Charles Dickens. ... Let's go down to the lake, shall we, Mr. Boynton?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

SPLASHING! OF BROOKS AND BOYNTON FROLICKING IN LAKE

BROOKS:

(PLAYFUL) Come on, Mr. Boynton, I'll race you to the raft!

BOYNTON:

You're on! Let's go!

SOUND:

BROOKS AND BOYNTON SPLASH QUICKLY TO THE RAFT

BOYNTON:

Here we are. (COUGHS) I'll help you up, Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

(EXCLAMATION OF EFFORT) Thank you, Mr. Boynton.

SOUND:

BROOKS AND BOYNTON SPLASH ONTO THE RAFT

BROOKS:

(WEARY EXCLAMATION, CHUCKLES HAPPILY)

CONKLIN:

(BEAT, UNHAPPY) Welcome aboard, folks. ...

BROOKS:

(SURPRISED, UNEASY) Oh, hello, Mr. Conklin. We didn't know you were out here.

MARTHA:

That's all right, my dear.

BOYNTON:

(AWKWARD) Uhh, let's - let's go take a boat ride, Miss Brooks.

MARTHA:

Nonsense, why should you leave the raft?

CONKLIN:

Why shouldn't they? ...

BROOKS:

Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

Yes?

BROOKS:

Last one in is a sugar cookie.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

SPEEDING MOTORBOAT ... THEN IN BG

BOYNTON:

Well, how do you like driving a motorboat, Miss Brooks?

BROOKS:

Oh, it's a lot of fun, Mr. Boynton. But I'm glad nobody's fishing on this lake. This outboard motor's kind of noisy.

BOYNTON:

Oh, I don't think it's so bad.

BROOKS:

Not so bad? If I was a fish and I heard this thing over my head, I'd go hide in a tree.

BOYNTON:

I think you'd better turn around now. We're pretty far from the pier.

BROOKS:

All right. Say, that's funny. This steering wheel seems to be stuck.

BOYNTON:

Oh? Here, let me give you a hand.

BROOKS:

Isn't that a row boat in that little cove we're heading for?

BOYNTON:

A row boat? Yes, it is! I'd better cut the motor off; we're heading right for them!

BROOKS:

(WORRIED) Oh!

BOYNTON:

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT) The ignition lever is stuck, too!

SOUND:

RATTLE OF STUCK LEVER

BROOKS:

Oh, you've got to do something, Mr. Boynton; we're getting pretty close to that row boat! (CALLS) Look out! Get out of the way!

BOYNTON:

Quick, Miss Brooks, lie on the bottom of the boat! I can't stop it!

BROOKS:

(SCREAMS)

SOUND:

MOTORBOAT UP ... THEN ENGINE DIES OUT ... GENTLE LAP OF LAKE WATER, IN BG

BROOKS:

What happened? Did we hit them?

BOYNTON:

No, thank heaven, we - we just missed them. It's all right now; I've got everything under control.

BROOKS:

(RELIEVED) Ohhh. Well, the least we can do is go back and apologize for scaring them like this.

BOYNTON:

Yeah, you're right, Miss Brooks. Here, I'll turn around.

SOUND:

MOTORBOAT BRIEFLY

BROOKS:

(CALLS) We're terribly sorry, folks!

CONKLIN:

(MEASURED) Oh, that's all right, Miss Brooks. ... (SAVAGELY) We didn't really want to catch any fish here! ...

BOYNTON:

(SHOCKED) It's the Conklins.

BROOKS:

(CALLS) Don't worry about the fish, Mr. Conklin. I'm going to barbecue us all some dinner.

BOYNTON:

(SURPRISED) Are you really, Miss Brooks? What are you going to barbecue?

BROOKS:

Me! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CLINK! OF DINNERWARE

MARTHA:

I love eating out in the open air! I'm sure the spareribs Miss Brooks barbecues will be delicious. Don't you think so, Osgood?

CONKLIN:

(SULLEN) I think I should have made them. It's my barbecue. ...

HARRIET:

But Mr. Boynton will enjoy them so much more because Miss Brooks did it. Won't you, Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON:

(PUZZLED) Why, yes, Harriet, I suppose I--

BROOKS:

(APPROACHES) Here they are, folks! I hope they turned out all right.

HARRIET:

Oh, I'll bet they're delicious!

CONKLIN:

(MUTTERS UNHAPPILY) Might as well taste it.

SOUND:

CRINKLE OF SPARERIBS EATEN

CONKLIN:

(COUGH-COUGH-COUGHS VIOLENTLY) What is this anyway?!

BROOKS:

No good?

CONKLIN:

Tastes like charcoal!

MARTHA:

(TO BROOKS) Did you do what I told you, dear? Barbecue the ribs slowly with a nice smooth glowing bed of coals?

BROOKS:

Certainly. I had a lovely bed of glowing coals -- right over the ribs. ...

BOYNTON:

(QUEASY) I - I don't think I'm very hungry. This mountain air sure fills you up.

BROOKS:

(DRY) Maybe you ought to stop breathing a while. You don't want to make a pig of yourself. ...

CONKLIN:

(SOURLY) I'm going into the house and cook myself an egg.

MARTHA:

Oh, wait, dear. I'll fix you something.

CONKLIN:

(SNAPS) You can't cook any better than she can! ...

HARRIET:

Daddy! Why, this is your anniversary dinner.

MARTHA:

Yes, dear! Let's be cheerful! (SINGS) "Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed--!"

CONKLIN:

(EXPLODES) Anniversary, my foot! I'm going inside!

BROOKS:

(PICKS UP SONG) "We danced and we danced, but she wouldn't drop dead!" ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE (QUOTES "THE ANNIVERSARY SONG," THE 1947 POP HIT BY JOLSON-CHAPLIN-IVANOVICI)

SOUND:

CLINK! OF UTENSILS AND DISHES BEING PUT ASIDE

MARTHA:

There, dear. Wasn't that a nice snack? And just the two of us alone in the kitchen.

CONKLIN:

Well, it was better than those barbecued rocks. ... Martha, if that poor Mr. Boynton falls for Miss Brooks, I think--

MARTHA:

(INTERRUPTS) Now, dear, we agreed to forget all about it. Let's go out and sit in the hammock together. The mountain air's still with us, you know -- and it's quite dark on the porch.

CONKLIN:

(AMOROUS) All right, Martha.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS THROUGH SCREEN DOOR TO PORCH ... SQUEAK OF HAMMOCK

CONKLIN:

(STARTLED) What's this? What's this? Who's that in the hammock?

HARRIET:

It's us, daddy.

CONKLIN:

Us?!

WALTER:

Harriet and me, Mr. Conklin! Happy anniversary! ...

HARRIET:

It's Walter Denton, daddy. He got here while you were inside. I invited him yesterday to surprise you.

CONKLIN:

(FURIOUS) This is the last straw!

MARTHA:

Now, calm down, Osgood. Remember your blood pressure.

WALTER:

It gives him kind of a purply look, doesn't it? ...

CONKLIN:

(WITH GREAT RESTRAINT, TO HIMSELF) I've got to be calm. (UP) Let's go for a little stroll, Martha. Maybe we'll run into Mr. Boynton and Miss Brooks somewhere.

BROOKS:

I doubt it, Mr. Conklin. We're at the other end of the hammock.

CONKLIN:

(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM) ... (ABRUPTLY CALM) I'll be all right. I'll be fine. Come, Martha. Let's go into our bedroom and go to sleep. Maybe when I wake up in the morning, this will all be a bad--

MARTHA:

(INTERRUPTS) Ohhh, we can't go into our bedroom together, Osgood. Now that Walter's here, Harriet and Miss Brooks and I will have to share our room, and you and Walter and Mr. Boynton will have to sleep in the guest room.

CONKLIN:

(EXPLODES) What?!! ... Now, this has gone far enough! I'm going to tell you people something--!

BROOKS:

(INTERRUPTS) Uh, before you do, Mr. Conklin, I'd like to ask you a question.

CONKLIN:

(SNARLING) What is it?

BROOKS:

(QUICKLY) How are my chances of being appointed head of the English department? You don't have to answer now; you can think it over and tell me right after I've blown my brains out. ...

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden as OUR MISS BROOKS returns in just a moment, but first--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

2ND ANNCR:

Tonight -- yes, tonight -- show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Lustre-Creme, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives Kay Daumit's magic blend of secret ingredients, plus gentle lanolin. Not a soap, not a liquid. Lustre-Creme shampoo, leaves hair three ways lovelier; fragrantly clean; free of loose dandruff; glistening with sheen; soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Lustre-Creme lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. So gentle, Lustre-Creme is wonderful even for children's hair. Tonight -- yes, tonight! -- try Lustre-Creme shampoo.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

SINGER:

(TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")
Dream girl, dream girl,
Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.
You owe your crowning glory to--
A Lustre-Creme shampoo.

MUSIC:

OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, once again, here is our Miss Brooks.

BROOKS:

(NARRATES) Well, Mrs. Conklin finally got Mr. Conklin back to a fairly neutral shade of purple. And, acting on her suggestion, I steered Mr. Boynton down to the pier for a little moonlight fishing.

SOUND:

NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND (CRICKETS CHIRP)

BROOKS:

(ROMANTIC) Oh, it's wonderful fishing at night isn't it, Mr. Boynton? Look at that moon.

BOYNTON:

(UNROMANTIC) Yes. Some fish bite much more frequently when the moon's out. Let's see, the last time I went fishing at night, I was alone -- except for McDougal, of course, my pet frog. Oh, we've had some great times together.

BROOKS:

Yes, I know you have. But now it's my turn -- that is, if you don't mind, Mr. Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Mind? (THROATY, WITH SUDDEN PASSION) Come here, baby! ...

BROOKS:

Why, Mr. Boynton!

BOYNTON:

(STILL PASSIONATE) Look at the size of this baby I just landed! This trout must be about four pounds! ... (SYMPATHETIC) Well, gosh, Miss Brooks, this is my third fish. You haven't caught a thing tonight, have you?

BROOKS:

You ain't just beatin' your gills, frog boy! ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME FOR CURTAIN ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

2ND ANNCR:

Next week tune in to another OUR MISS BROOKS show, brought to you by Palmolive Soap, your beauty hope, and Lustre-Creme Shampoo, for soft, glamorous, caressable hair.

ANNOUNCER:

OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns, written and directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler; Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillan, and Vivi Janiss.

MUSIC:

TAG

2ND ANNCR:

From the research laboratories of the Colgate-Palmolive-Peet Company comes an astonishing new dentifrice: Colgate Ammoniated Tooth Powder. Contains the amazing ingredients that help prevent tooth decay, and also has Colgate's exclusive Foamy Cleaning Action, plus a refreshing minty flavor the whole family will enjoy. Economical, too! The big four-ounce size costs only forty-three cents! Get Colgate Ammoniated Tooth Powder now!

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END

ANNOUNCER:

For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to MR. AND MRS. NORTH Tuesday evening over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS. Bob LeMond speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE