SMITH:

Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay; and Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair -- bring you OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

It's time once again for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS, under the direction of Al Lewis. Well, many of us like to share Easter breakfast with our friends. Our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, looked forward all week to sharing hers with several of her students -- and some of the faculty.

CONNIE:

"Some of the faculty" being biology teacher Philip Boynton. Yes, Mr. Boynton is enough of the faculty for me. At least I hope he's for me. I know I'm for him. ... So much for the world of sports. ... Saturday afternoon found me making arrangements for the big day in my landlady's kitchen.

DAVIS:

You certainly look domestic, bustling around that stove, Connie. Tell me, what was it you just popped into that pot of boiling water?

CONNIE:

My thumb, Mrs. Davis. ... Oh, you mean the white thing. That was an egg. They've got to get nice and hard before we can dye them. By the way, I saw Harriet Conklin helping you with our Easter baskets before. Where did our beloved principal's daughter disappear to?

DAVIS:

I sent her to the grocery store for some more eggs and some dye. We were running short. Harriet is certainly a sweet little girl!

CONNIE:

Yes, she is. Just goes to show you how little there is to heredity. ... Let's see those Easter baskets again. Hmm! Plenty of straw, jelly beans, little yellow chicks. There's just one more thing I'd like to see in each one.

DAVIS:

What's that, Connie?

CONNIE:

A chocolate bunny with a thousand-dollar bill in his mouth. ...

DAVIS:

(AMUSED) I'm afraid that's asking a little too much.

CONNIE:

All right then, I'll settle for a wax bunny.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

HARRIET:

I'm back, Mrs. Davis! Hi, Miss Brooks!

CONNIE:

Hello, Harriet. Did you get the stuff?

HARRIET:

Yes, ma'am. Here's the dye, and I got a couple of dozen eggs.

CONNIE:

Good. Let's put some more of these in to boil.

HARRIET:

I'll do it. What's the schedule for tomorrow, Miss Brooks? When do you want us to come for breakfast?

CONNIE:

Oh, about ten o'clock will be fine, Harriet. Then we'll all be on time for the Easter parade.

HARRIET:

I'll bet you'll look stunning, Miss Brooks. What kind of an outfit are you wearing this year?

CONNIE:

Well, in some ways it's quite similar to the outfit I wore last Easter.

HARRIET:

How do you mean, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

Same hat, coat, dress, and shoes. ... I did invest in something new, though -- a Gossard Narrow Line Girdle. ...

DAVIS:

Does it really make you look narrow, Connie?

CONNIE:

Narrow? When I stand sideways you can't see me at all. ... I like to think. ...

HARRIET:

Oh, that reminds me! I'd better get over to the cleaners and pick up Daddy's Easter outfit. You know how meticulous he is when he appears in public.

DAVIS:

He's not only meticulous, he's impeccable.

CONNIE:

He's not only impeccable, he's impossible. ... I mean impatient. So you'd better run along now, Harriet.

HARRIET:

Okay, Miss Brooks. See you tomorrow! Bye, Mrs. Davis!

DAVIS:

Goodbye, dear, and thanks for the help.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS HARRIET EXITS

DAVIS:

Now, you'll probably want to wash up after you mix that dye, Connie, (MOVING OFF) so I'll get some clean towels for the pantry sink.

CONNIE:

Thanks, Mrs. Davis. (WORDLESSLY SINGS FIRST LINE OF IRVING BERLIN'S "EASTER PARADE") Da-da-dum de-dee-dee--

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

CONNIE:

(CALLS) Come on in, the door's open!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES WITH A BANG ... WALTER'S STEPS IN

WALTER:

It is I, Miss Brooks, your own personal Easter bunny! ...

CONNIE:

(DRY) At last! Just drop the thousand dollar bills in the basket. ... Oh, it's Walter Denton.

WALTER:

Tell me I'm in time, Miss Brooks. Tell me that you didn't dye your eggs yet.

CONNIE:

You're in time, Walter; I didn't dye my eggs yet.

WALTER:

Thank goodness! Miss Brooks, just before the holidays, I hit on a new dye in the Chem lab at school that's absolutely sensational!

CONNIE:

A new dye?

WALTER:

Yes, ma'am. That's why I'm so glad you didn't color your eggs yet. I want you to do it with my stuff. It's absolutely dynamite!

CONNIE:

Walter, I just want the Easter eggs to look pretty, not blow up. ...

WALTER:

Miss Brooks, wait'll you get a load of this stuff. It'll revolutionize the egg-dyeing industry! I'll make millions out of this! Billions! And you, Miss Brooks, will get my everlasting gratefulness.

CONNIE:

(DRY) That's my usual cut. ...

WALTER:

I call this magic dye "Tint-Tomorrow."

CONNIE:

Tint-Tomorrow?

WALTER:

Yeah, I took the two words "tint" and "tomorrow," and made a word marriage out of it.

CONNIE:

Well, I hope they'll be very happy together. ... Just how does this stuff work, Walter?

WALTER:

Well, it's a powder, Miss Brooks -- but a "delayed-action" powder. In other words, when you dye an egg with Tint-Tomorrow, no color change takes place at all today.

CONNIE:

It doesn't?

WALTER:

Naturally not. It changes its tint--

CONNIE & WALTER:

Tomorrow. ...

WALTER:

You see? That's why I--

CONNIE & WALTER:

--call it Tint-Tomorrow! ...

CONNIE:

Well, that was fun; what'll we do now? ...

WALTER:

I brought over these sample eggs that I dyed yesterday, Miss Brooks. Look -- red, blue, green, purple. Aren't they beautiful?

CONNIE:

They are nice, Walter; very brilliant! Is this invention of yours easy to apply?

WALTER:

Oh, easier than that old-fashioned stuff. These two bags'll dye twelve eggs each. And now, look, I've got to get downtown -- an errand for my folks -- so I'll just leave these four extra bags by your pantry sink on my way out.

CONNIE:

Well, I'll certainly be happy to try it, Walter.

WALTER:

(SOTTO VOCE, MELODRAMATIC) Remember, Miss Brooks, I haven't got this invention patented yet, so you mustn't breathe a word about it. In fact, I must insist on an oath of secrecy.

CONNIE:

Walter, I won't even tell the eggs!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

DAVIS:

Here are the clean towels, Connie. I'd have come back sooner, but I was on the phone with Mrs. Conklin. She's got a problem, poor dear.

CONNIE:

I know; I work for him. ...

DAVIS:

Oh, I don't mean Mr. Conklin. She's worried about parading in the sun tomorrow morning. She says she gets a lot of freckles that way.

CONNIE:

Well, that's as good a way as any. What did you recommend?

DAVIS:

Some of this remarkable face cream I got at the beauty parlor last week. It's called Freckle-Off. ...

CONNIE:

Freckle-Off, hmm? This is a big day for me; first Tint-Tomorrow, then Freckle-Off. ... Hmm. "Tint-Tomorrow and Freckle-Off" -- sounds like a Polish piano team. ...

DAVIS:

Here, just let me rub a little on your chin, dear.

CONNIE:

Oh, but, Mrs. Davis, I--

DAVIS:

It'll do you a world of good. Just this -- one little dab.

SOUND:

PAT-PAT-PAT

DAVIS:

There!

CONNIE:

I was about to tell you that I don't have any freckles on my chin.

DAVIS:

I can see that; but isn't it comforting to know that now you'll never have any? ...

CONNIE:

It's a security I never dreamt of. ... Mrs. Davis, would you mind taking these baskets into the living room? I've still got some work to do in here.

DAVIS:

Certainly, dear. Oh -- look who's coming down the driveway, Connie. It's one of your pupils, Stretch Snodgrass.

CONNIE:

Oh, you mean "The Brain"?

DAVIS:

"The Brain"? Why do you call him that?

CONNIE:

I keep hoping that if I just say the word often enough, he'll grow one. ... (CALLS) I'm in the kitchen, Stretch!

DAVIS:

(MOVING OFF) I'll go finish decorating the living room, Connie.

CONNIE:

All right, Mrs. Davis.

SOUND:

DOOR ... STRETCH'S HEAVY STEPS IN

STRETCH:

Hi, Miss Brooks!

CONNIE:

Hello, Stretch!

STRETCH:

Well, the reason I come over, Miss Brooks, is I brung ya somethin'.

CONNIE:

(MILDLY) Stretch! You "brought" me something.

STRETCH:

You seen it through the window, huh? ...

CONNIE:

No, Stretch; I "saw" it through the window.

STRETCH:

Oh, then you know what it is I brang? ...

CONNIE:

"I brang"?

STRETCH:

That's the past parti-see-pient of "has brung." ...

CONNIE:

(DRY) Oh, I forgot. ... What sort of thung did you brung? ... Ah, "thing." Let's see it.

SOUND:

WRAPPING PAPER UNWRAPPED

STRETCH:

It's right in this basket, see? A rabbit.

CONNIE:

But it's a real one! Is he alive?

STRETCH:

Oh, of course not. I brought him over from my father's pet shop. He's been preserved.

CONNIE:

You mean you mounted it?

STRETCH:

No, I rode him over on my bicycle. ...

CONNIE:

Uh, but, Stretch, what am I supposed to do with a stuffed rabbit?

STRETCH:

Oh, I thought he'd make a nice centerpiece for your table tomorrow morning.

CONNIE:

Ohhh.

STRETCH:

If I say so myself, this is quite a good example of taxi-- Taxi--

CONNIE:

You never can get one when it's raining. ... Well, thanks for the rabbit, Stretch; it was very sweet of you to bring it. But before you go, what's that big smudge on your face?

STRETCH:

Oh, that's from fallin' off my bike, I guess. I took a shortcut through the meadow.

CONNIE:

Well, there's a sink in the pantry; you can wash in there. Here, take these towels in with you.

STRETCH:

Towels? Ain'tcha got no shower curtain? ...

CONNIE:

We use towels here; it's a new fad. ... And, Stretch, if the soap dispenser's empty, you'll find some powder to fill it with in the cupboard.

STRETCH:

Okay, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

(MOVING OFF) I've got to carry these empty egg boxes out to the incinerator, Stretch. See you later!

SOUND:

STRETCH'S HEAVY STEPS INTO PANTRY

STRETCH:

(TO HIMSELF) Hm, nice little pantry. I guess this thing is the soap dispenser, all right. Let's see now, where's the powder I'm supposed to fill it with? Oh! It must be in these four little bags. ... It says, "Tint-Tomorrow." That's a funny name for a soap powder. Well, I'll just dump 'em all in the dispenser.

SOUND:

BAGS OF POWDER SHOOK AND DUMPED INTO DISPENSER

STRETCH:

(TO HIMSELF) Now I'll fill the sink with enough water to wash up with.

SOUND:

WATER INTO SINK

STRETCH:

(TO HIMSELF) That ought to do it.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

DAVIS:

Well, the front part of the house is all set, Connie. Everything back here all right?

CONNIE:

Everything but me, Mrs. Davis. I've got the strangest burning sensation around my chin.

DAVIS:

Oh, that's where I applied the Freckle-Off. It says on the bottle that if yours is the type of skin that burns easily, you should wash the cream off with soap and water.

CONNIE:

Now she tells me. (MOVING OFF) I'll use the sink in the pantry.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS TO PANTRY

STRETCH:

I'm all finished, Miss Brooks. Here's your towels back. I didn't need 'em.

CONNIE:

Didn't need them? But you washed, didn't you?

STRETCH:

Well, what's the sense of wearin' a long-sleeved shirt if you don't use the sleeves? ...

CONNIE:

A well-taken point. Now, if you'll excuse me, Stretch, I've got to stop this stinging on my chin some way.

SOUND:

RUNNING WATER ... THEN IN BG

STRETCH:

I got some smudges out by that incinerator, too. I might as well do a complete wash job.

SOUND:

CONNIE PATS POWDER ON HER FACE

CONNIE:

Here goes. (WORDLESSLY CROONS "EASTER PARADE") Ya da da, da da da-- (BRIEFLY GURGLES THE MELODY BEHIND--)

STRETCH:

Gosh, Miss Brooks, if my face was as pretty as yours, I'd never wash it. Boy, I bet you're gonna be the swellest lady in the Easter parade.

CONNIE:

Oh, I don't care about that, Stretch. All I want to do is brighten the little corner where I am.

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment. But first, here is Verne Smith.

SMITH:

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ANNOUNCER:

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SMITH:

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ANNOUNCER:

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SMITH:

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ANNOUNCER:

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SMITH:

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ANNOUNCER:

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SMITH:

Remember, no other dentifrice offers proof of such results.

MUSIC:

TAG (THEME)

ANNOUNCER:

Well, even if Stretch Snodgrass isn't the most brilliant person in the world, Miss Brooks, who has also washed her face in Walter's dye, might easily attain that title. However, since the dye, which is still in the dispenser, requires hours of exposure before it works, Miss Brooks didn't know on Saturday afternoon what a colorful Easter she was facing.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

DAVIS:

Will you answer the doorbell, Connie? I'm just getting out of the tub.

CONNIE:

All right, Mrs. Davis, I'll get it.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

CONNIE:

Well, Mr. Conklin!

CONKLIN:

Hello, Miss Brooks.

CONNIE:

To what fortuitous circumstance do we owe the pleasure of this visit from Madison's distinguished principal?

CONKLIN:

This is Saturday, Miss Brooks; you can cut down on the apple-polishing. ... May I come in?

CONNIE:

Of course.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

CONKLIN:

Now then, as to the purpose of my visit. With your permission, I'll come right to the point.

CONNIE:

Permission granted.

CONKLIN:

(DRY) Thank you. As you know, the Easter parade tomorrow will be covered thoroughly by the press photographers.

CONNIE:

Yes, I know. (MERRILY MISQUOTING "EASTER PARADE") "The photographers will greet us, and we'll find ourselves in the rotogravure." ...

CONKLIN:

(UNAMUSED) Very catchy. ... In the past, I've always been quite careful about which profile to present to the camera when I'm having my picture taken. But in the parade, one never knows on which side a photographer will pop up.

CONNIE:

(MERRILY MISQUOTING "EASTER PARADE" AGAIN) "And when they look you over, you will be in clover"! ...

CONKLIN:

(DEADPAN) Oh, stop that. ... The reason I'm here, Miss Brooks, is because of this large ugly freckle on my right cheek. I've, er-- I've always resented this freckle, Miss Brooks; it's the only blemish on an otherwise perfectly chiseled set of features. ...

CONNIE:

Oh, you shouldn't be so self-conscious about it, Mr. Conklin. I've never thought of that as a large ugly freckle. I always thought it was a dimple.

CONKLIN:

A dimple? (PLEASED) Well--!

CONNIE:

Yes, indeed. Many's the time I've looked at you and thought, "What a large, ugly dimple." ...

CONKLIN:

Such honesty deserves a reward, and I'll see that you get it in the school weeks to follow. Right now, I'd like to inquire about a cosmetic that my wife mentioned. She said Mrs. Davis told her about it. It's called -- "Freckle-Off," I believe?

CONNIE:

Oh, yes, that's it, Mr. Conklin, but sometimes it-- (MISCHIEVOUS) Say, that would be just the thing for you! ...

DAVIS:

(APPROACHES) Well, dear, I've finished in the-- Oh, hello, Osgood.

CONKLIN:

Hello, Margaret.

CONNIE:

Mr. Conklin was wondering if he could borrow some of your Freckle-Off cream, Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS:

What for?

CONNIE:

For his freckle.

DAVIS:

What freckle?

CONKLIN:

This large ugly freckle beneath my right ear.

DAVIS:

Oh, that. I always thought that was a beauty mark.

CONKLIN:

A beauty mark? (PLEASED) Well--! ...

DAVIS:

Yes, many's the time I've thought to myself, "What a large, ugly beauty mark." ... But I've got a jar of the cream right here on this table, Osgood. You're welcome to try it.

CONNIE:

Here, let me dab it on for you, Mr. Conklin.

SOUND:

PAT-PAT-PAT OF POWDER ON FACE

CONNIE:

There we are.

CONKLIN:

(IN PAIN) Say! This stuff burns! Ouch! It's hot, it's hot!

CONNIE:

Well, you want it to remove the freckle, don't you?

CONKLIN:

Yes, but I'd like it to leave the face. ...

CONNIE:

Why? I mean-- ... If it burns too badly you can wash it off with soap and water. Just follow me, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN:

Well, hurry up, this is awful!

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS INTO PANTRY

CONNIE:

There's a sink right out here in the pantry. I'll fill the basin for you.

SOUND:

RUNNING WATER

CONNIE:

You'll find soap in the dispenser above the sink.

CONKLIN:

Yeah.

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Conklin, there's somebody at the front door.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS AT LENGTH TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

BOYNTON:

(WEARY) Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. My car broke down a few blocks from here. I wonder if I could use your phone to call a garage.

CONNIE:

(VERY PLEASED TO SEE HIM) Of course, Mr. Boynton, come in.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

BOYNTON:

I was driving along, not a care in the world, when suddenly -- boom! The transmission, the crankcase, and the driveshaft fell out. ...

CONNIE:

Anything serious? ...

BOYNTON:

I'll say it is. The car won't go at all until they--

CONKLIN:

(APPROACHES) I'll be running along now, Miss Brooks. (ON) Oh, hello, Boynton.

BOYNTON:

Oh, hello, Mr. Conklin. What brings you to this part of the town?

CONKLIN:

It's a long and harrowing tale, Boynton. But, briefly, your friend Miss Brooks almost burned half of my face off with some alleged freckle remover.

BOYNTON:

What did you want with freckle remover, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN:

Well, I thought it could remove this large ugly freckle beneath my right ear.

BOYNTON:

Your right--? Well, I always thought that was just a mole. ...

CONKLIN:

A mole?

BOYNTON:

Yes, sir. Many's the time I've thought to myself, "What a large, ugly--"

CONKLIN:

OH, BE QUIET! ... Good day to you both! ...

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES AS CONKLIN EXITS

BOYNTON:

Hm. Oh, Miss Brooks, before I use the phone I'd like to wash some of the grease off my hands and face. ... I got pretty dirty tinkering around with the car.

CONNIE:

Why, I didn't even notice it, Mr. Boynton. But if you'll just follow me, you can use the sink in our pantry.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS INTO PANTRY

CONNIE:

There's plenty of soap in that dispenser between the taps, just help yourself.

BOYNTON:

Oh, thanks.

SOUND:

WATER AND PAT-PAT-PAT OF POWDER ON FACE

BOYNTON:

This ought to do the trick.

CONNIE:

Uh, we're going to have our Easter breakfast tomorrow about ten o'clock, Mr. Boynton. Will that be all right for you?

BOYNTON:

Easter breakfast? Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Miss Brooks. That's the reason I drove over -- to tell you I can't make it tomorrow.

CONNIE:

(DISAPPOINTED) Can't make it? Why not?

BOYNTON:

Well, I got a wire from my folks this morning. They're visiting friends at Eagle Springs and they asked me to join them. It's only forty miles from here and I thought I'd drive up in the morning. 'Course that's out of the question now; it'll take days to fix that car of mine.

CONNIE:

Good. (CHUCKLES)

BOYNTON:

But I - I can catch an early train. Now, tell you what, maybe you can borrow Mrs. Davis' car and you could drive me to the station in the morning.

CONNIE:

(HEAVY IRONY) What have I done to earn such a bonus?

MUSIC:

BRIDGE (QUOTES RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN'S "OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING")

ANNOUNCER:

For those of us who arose on time, the Easter Sunday sunrise was an awe-inspiring sight. And in Walter Denton's house, where his pal Stretch Snodgrass has had permission to spend the night, is another awe-inspiring sight -- Stretch Snodgrass.

STRETCH:

Walter? Hey, Walter! Are ya up?

WALTER:

Yeah, I'm up. Let's get dressed and-- AAAUGH! ...

STRETCH:

What's wrong with you?

WALTER:

Well, nothin's wrong with me! It's you! Your face looks like an Easter egg! ...

STRETCH:

Easter egg? What makes you say a thing like that?

WALTER:

Because you're all purple! (LAUGHS) Your whole face! (LAUGHS)

STRETCH:

Oh, what's so funny? Maybe I got high blood pressure. ...

WALTER:

Looks more like you used some of that delayed-action dye of mine.

STRETCH:

Dye?

WALTER:

Yeah, I've been keepin' it a secret. I call it Tint-Tomorrow because the color doesn't show up until the next day.

STRETCH:

Tint-Tomorrow? I thought that was soap powder. I filled the dispenser at Mrs. Davis's with it.

WALTER:

Yeah, well, I-- (DOUBLE TAKE) WHAT? ... Oh, gosh, I'd better get over there and warn Mrs. Davis before anybody else uses it!

STRETCH:

Wait a minute, what about me? How do I get this purple stuff off?

WALTER:

Oh, quit worryin', I'll invent some way to get rid of it. And, even if I don't--

STRETCH:

Yeah?

WALTER:

I can always dye ya another color.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

WALTER:

So, you see, Mrs. Davis, Stretch filled the dispenser with the dye, and anybody that washed there is in for a shock today. Gee, I'm glad you didn't get any on you.

DAVIS:

Me, too! And I hope Connie didn't use it. She's going to take Mr. Boynton to the train this morning. She should be coming in for coffee any minute now.

WALTER:

Gosh, I hope everything's all--

CONNIE:

(ENTERS BRISKLY) I've just got time for a quick cup of co-- Oh, hello, Walter.

WALTER:

Hello, Miss-- AAAUGH!

DAVIS:

(SIMULTANEOUS WITH ABOVE) Hello, Connie -- AAAUGH!

CONNIE:

What's the trouble?

DAVIS:

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Nothing, dear. You - just startled us when you came in so suddenly. ...

CONNIE:

Oh. (MOVING OFF) I'll get myself a cup and saucer out of the sideboard.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS AWAY

WALTER:

(LOW, HORRIFIED) Look at her, Mrs. Davis. Her face is all green. ...

DAVIS:

(LOW) I know, but - just don't blurt it out at her. We'll break it to her gently. Just keep drinking your milk.

CONNIE:

(APPROACHES) Say, it's after eight; I'd better drink this coffee in a hurry. Mr. Boynton's making a nine-fifteen train.

WALTER:

Where's he goin'?

CONNIE:

He's going to spend the day at Eagle Springs with his parents, and I don't mind telling you I'm green with envy.

WALTER:

(LOUDLY SPIT-TAKES HIS MILK) ...

DAVIS:

(LOW) Walter, control yourself! I'll get a dishrag, and--

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

DAVIS:

Oh, will you get that please, Connie?

CONNIE:

All right.

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS TO PHONE ... RECEIVER UP ... CONKLIN'S VOICE ON FILTER

CONNIE:

Hello? Miss Brooks speaking.

CONKLIN:

(FURIOUS) Miss Brooks, this is Mr. Conklin.

CONNIE:

Oh, happy Easter, Mr. Conklin. I guess you're getting all dolled up--

CONKLIN:

(INTERRUPTS) Cut the gab! ... Just answer one question, Miss Brooks. What sort of dye was in that witch's brew you smeared on my face yesterday? ...

CONNIE:

Witch's brew? Which witch's brew? ...

CONKLIN:

You know very well which witch's brew-brew! ... That freckle-removing junk you put on me!

CONNIE:

But there's no dye in that.

CONKLIN:

Well, there must have been. You should see my face this morning.

CONNIE:

You mean it's a different color?

CONKLIN:

Different color?! Miss Brooks, I'm PLAID! ... Thanks to you and your quack remedies, I look like an Italian sunset! ...

CONNIE:

Now, just a minute, Mr. Conklin, I didn't have any knowledge of any dye--

CONKLIN:

You never have any knowledge of anything! Now hang up. I'm going to call my doctor and get to the bottom of this gook. Goodbye!

CONNIE:

(BEMUSED) Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

CONNIE:

Well, what do you know about that, Walter? (CHUCKLES) Mr. Conklin's face has turned all colors of the rainbow.

WALTER:

(LOUDLY SPIT-TAKES HIS MILK) ... Well, excuse me, Miss Brooks, I must have been thinking of something comical. I'd better join Mrs. Davis and the dishrag in the kitchen.

SOUND:

WALTER'S STEPS INTO KITCHEN

WALTER:

Mrs. Davis, that was Mr. Conklin on the phone. He just turned plaid!

DAVIS:

Oh! This is terrible, Walter. How are we going to get this dye off the people who washed here yesterday?

WALTER:

Well, I stopped at the drugstore on my way over and Mr. Miller the pharmacist said he'd try and figure something out in a hurry.

DAVIS:

Well, that's at least some hope. Now maybe it won't be such a shock when you tell Connie her face is green.

WALTER:

Er-- Me? (WEAKLY) I think I'd better go home, Mrs. Davis.

DAVIS:

What's the matter, Walter? Don't you feel well?

WALTER:

I feel like she looks! ... I guess the only manly thing to do is face the music.

DAVIS:

Come on, I'll help you break it to her in a roundabout way.

SOUND:

THEIR STEPS INTO DINING ROOM

DAVIS:

Oh, Connie, about that green face of yours-- ... Connie? Connie? Oh, she must have left while we were in the kitchen. (INHALES SHARPLY, REALIZES) Good heavens, what will Mr. Boynton think when he sees her?

WALTER:

Who knows? It may be a break for her. He's always been crazy about frogs! ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE (QUOTES ARLEN AND HARBURG'S "OVER THE RAINBOW")

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

BOYNTON:

Coming!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS

CONNIE:

Good morning, Mr. -- AAAUGH!

BOYNTON:

(SIMULTANEOUS WITH ABOVE) Good morning, Miss -- AAAUGH! ...

CONNIE:

Mr. Boynton? What happened to your face? It's blue!

BOYNTON:

Yes, isn't it awful? I noticed it when I went in to shave this morning. When did you notice your face was green? ...

CONNIE:

Huh? ...

BOYNTON:

Well, now, it's not really a bad shade of green.

CONNIE:

My face?

BOYNTON:

Well, here, here. Stand in front of this mirror.

CONNIE:

(SEES HERSELF) YIPE! ...

BOYNTON:

Calm yourself, Miss Brooks. I - I kinda like it. Reminds me of my pet frog, MacDougall. ...

CONNIE:

(DRY) Thanks a million. ... (MYSTIFIED) How did I get this on me?

BOYNTON:

Well, Walter Denton phoned me a few minutes ago and explained the whole thing. His pal Stretch put some of Walter's delayed dye into the soap dispenser in your pantry yesterday.

CONNIE:

You mean the Tint-Tomorrow really worked?

BOYNTON:

I'll say it did. It won't come off with soap and water or even turpentine. I've tried several times.

CONNIE:

(DISPLEASED) Wait till I get hold of that Stretch Snodgrass.

BOYNTON:

I'm in a worse spot than you are, Miss Brooks. I've had to cancel my trip to Eagle Springs.

CONNIE:

(BEAT, QUIETLY PLEASED) Good old Stretch Snodgrass! ... But if you're not going away today, how about coming over to my place?

BOYNTON:

Oh, no; no, I wouldn't budge out of this apartment with this blue face, Miss Brooks. No, I'm just going to have to stay in until it fades. I, er-- I guess it's an imposition to ask, but-- Well, I - I thought maybe I could fix up a little lunch here, and play some records to dance to, and-- Well, if it isn't asking too much, would you care to stay here and keep me company?

CONNIE:

(DEADPAN) I'll force myself. ...

BOYNTON:

Good. I'll go into the kitchen and see about rustling up some grub. (MOVING OFF) Just make yourself comfortable.

CONNIE:

(CALLS AFTER HIM) Oh, don't worry about Green-face, Blue-face. ... I'll be fine!

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

CONNIE:

I'll get it!

SOUND:

CONNIE'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

WALTER:

(RAPID, NERVOUS) Don't slap me, Miss Brooks! Everything's gonna be fine!

CONNIE:

(CALMLY) You're so right, Walter. Goodbye!

WALTER:

No, wait! -- Mr. Boynton told me on the phone about canceling his trip, but now he won't have to.

CONNIE:

(LOW) Not so loud! What do you mean, Walter?

WALTER:

Well, Mr. Miller, the pharmacist, came up with these pills. You just dissolve them in warm water, and it washes the dye off like magic.

CONNIE:

Oh, it does, does it? Hand them over, Walter; I'll take them in.

WALTER:

Okay, Miss Brooks. I'm sorry for what Stretch did. Well, I imagine I'll see you later on.

CONNIE:

Far be it from me to knock a boy's imagination. ... Goodbye, Walter.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES ... BOYNTON'S STEPS IN

BOYNTON:

I'm just putting on a timely recording, Miss Brooks.

SOUND:

RECORD ON PLAYER

MUSIC:

INSTRUMENTAL RECORDING OF "EASTER PARADE" ... THEN IN BG

BOYNTON:

You, uh, care to dance, Miss Brooks?

CONNIE:

(VERY MUCH SO) Mm-hm.

BOYNTON:

Uh, am I holding you too tight?

CONNIE:

(DECISIVELY, NO) Uh-uh! (CHUCKLES) ...

BOYNTON:

Mind if I hum in your ear?

CONNIE:

(NO) Uh-uh! (CHUCKLES)

BOYNTON:

(SINGS ALONG WITH RECORD) I'll be all in clover, when they look you over-- (SPEAKS) Oh, oh, by the way, who was that at the door just now?

CONNIE:

The door?

BOYNTON:

Oh, yeah; the bell rang as I went into the kitchen. Who was it?

CONNIE:

(BEAT) Nobody we know. Happy Easter, Mr. Boynton.

MUSIC:

"EASTER PARADE" UP FOR CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Eve Arden returns in just a moment. But first--

MUSIC:

ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

TENOR:

(SINGS) Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

ANNOUNCER:

Tonight -- yes, tonight -- show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Lustre-Creme, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives you Kay Daumit's magic blend of secret ingredients plus gentle lanolin. Better than a soap, better than a liquid. Lustre-Creme is a dainty cream shampoo. Leaves hair three ways lovelier. Fragrantly clean, free of loose dandruff, glistening with sheen. Soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Lustre-Creme lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. So gentle, Lustre-Creme is wonderful even for children's hair. Tonight -- yes, tonight -- try Lustre-Creme Shampoo.

MUSIC:

ACCOMPANIES SINGER--

TENOR:

(SINGS) Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.
You owe your crowning glory to -- a Lustre-Creme shampoo.

ANNOUNCER:

And now, once again, here is Eve Arden.

ARDEN:

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of our sponsor, the Colgate-Palmolive-Peet company, and all of us here at the studio, may I extend our warmest Easter greeting?

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

SMITH:

Next week, tune into another OUR MISS BROOKS show brought to you by Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair; and Colgate Dental Cream, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay.

ANNOUNCER:

OUR MISS BROOKS, starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns; written by Al Lewis, with Lester White and Joe Quillan; with the music of Wilbur Hatch under the direction of Maurice Carlton. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler. Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Gloria McMillan, and Leonard Smith.

MUSIC:

TAG

ANNOUNCER:

For a beauty bath that brings you glamour from head to toe, get bath-size Palmolive soap.

KAY:

Yes, ladies, for a velvet-smooth beauty lather that caresses your skin, leaves your whole body glowing with the warm blush of fragrant loveliness, enjoy a beauty bath with bath-size Palmolive. It's perfect for your tub or shower. Just the gentlest massage over your body creates a glorious lather that leaves your skin delightful.

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, for the most luxurious bath you've ever had, get big bath-size Palmolive soap.

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END--

ANNOUNCER:

For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to Mr. and Mrs. North, the exciting fun-packed adventures of an amateur detective and his beautiful wife. Tune in Tuesday evening over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of OUR MISS BROOKS. Bob LeMond speaking.

SOUND:

APPLAUSE ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END--

ANNOUNCER:

This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.