ANNOUNCER:

It's time for "My Favorite Husband," starring Lucille Ball.

SOUND:

... APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's the new gay family series starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, as Liz and George Cooper, two people who live together, and like it.

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Even in the happiest of marriages both the husband and wife have little habits that prove annoying over a period of years. With the Coopers it's George's habit of reading the newspaper at the breakfast table. Well, unable to break him of this habit, Liz is setting up a counter-irritant. As we look in on them now, she has just started a barrage of toast munching. It's a war of nerves.

SOUND:

LIZ MUNCHES CRUNCHY TOAST

GEORGE:

Liz?

LIZ:

(MOUTH FULL) Yes, George?

SOUND:

MORE MUNCHING

GEORGE:

Is that toast as good as it sounds?

LIZ:

Oh, it's fine.

SOUND:

FAST NIBBLING OF CRUNCHY TOAST

GEORGE:

Liz, for heaven's sakes, do you have to make so much noise?

LIZ:

I'm only eating toast, George.

SOUND:

MORE MUNCHING

GEORGE:

Well, keep quiet! Eat it with your mouth closed.

LIZ:

Now, that's silly. How will I get it inside? ... Do I stuff it through my ear?

GEORGE:

Very funny.

LIZ:

I'll make a deal with you. You put down the paper--

GEORGE:

No!

LIZ:

(ARCHLY) Then I don't see what I can do.

GEORGE:

Hmmph!

LIZ:

You know, I want to be fair about this. I'll speak to Katy and ask her to buy quieter bread.

GEORGE:

Never mind.

LIZ:

Or I could purée the toast and eat it with a spoon.

KATY:

Anybody want more coffee?

GEORGE:

No, thanks, Katy.

LIZ:

No, thanks. But would it be too much trouble to squeeze me a glass of toast?

KATY:

Yes, I'll-- Huh? ...

GEORGE:

Don't mind her, Katy. She's being clever.

KATY:

Oh?

SOUND:

PHONE RINGS

KATY:

Oh, I'll get it.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP

KATY:

(INTO PHONE) Coopers' residence. -- Just a minute. (TO GEORGE) It's for you, Mr. Cooper.

GEORGE:

Oh, thanks.

LIZ:

You can start clearing the table, Katy.

KATY:

All right.

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) Hello? -- Charlie Nichols! When did you get in town?!

LIZ:

Charlie Nichols? Who's that?

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) Oh, where have you been keeping yourself, you old horse thief?!

LIZ:

Oh, must be one of George's best friends. ...

KATY:

Mr. Cooper's best friend is a horse thief?

LIZ:

That's "man talk," Katy. It's the way they greet their friends when they haven't seen each other for years.

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE, LAUGHS) Yeah, I'm still behind bars.

LIZ:

That means that George is still with the bank.

KATY:

Oh? ...

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) No, no, I'm still office boy.

LIZ:

Translation -- he's been promoted to vice president.

KATY:

Oh, you don't say?

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) Yeah, I still beat Liz, three times a day.

LIZ:

(TRANSLATES) He loves me. ...

KATY:

Gosh, it's like a foreign language, isn't it?

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) Oh, I guess I look about the same as when we were in school.

KATY:

What does that mean?

LIZ:

That means, "I hope your paunch is bigger than mine." ... Oh, dear, I hope this fellow isn't a Bull Frog.

KATY:

A Bull Frog?

LIZ:

Yeah, that's the name of George's old college glee club.

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) Sure, I remember the password. (MAKES THREE GOOFY FROG NOISES) ...

LIZ:

Yeah, he's a Bull Frog, all right.

GEORGE:

Let's round up the old gang. Oh, I can hardly wait to sing those songs again. (SINGS BADLY) "Yes sir, that's my baby. No sir, don't mean maybe. Yes sir--"

LIZ:

(UNHAPPY) Ohhhhh, Katy, we're dead.

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) Don't worry, boy, I'll bring the old ukulele with me.

LIZ:

Oh, no! George hasn't seen that four-string cigar box for ten years and he's going to expect me to know right where it is.

KATY:

Oh, he won't.

LIZ:

He won't, hey? You watch. He'll turn away from that phone and say, "Liz? What have you done with my ukulele?"

GEORGE:

(INTO PHONE) Okay, Charlie! See you Tuesday night. (THREE GOOFY FROG NOISES) ...

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GEORGE:

Liz?

LIZ:

Yes, dear?

GEORGE:

What have you done with my ukulele? ...

KATY:

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Mrs. Cooper, you sure know your husband! (LAUGHS) I'll be in the kitchen. (LAUGHS, MOVING OFF) ...

GEORGE:

What caused that?

LIZ:

Nothing, dear.

GEORGE:

Well, will you get my ukulele? We're having a reunion of the Bull Frogs Tuesday night. Er, you know where you put it, don't you?

LIZ:

(SARCASTIC) Oh, sure.

GEORGE:

Now, what does that mean? Have you thrown it away like you do everything else of mine?

LIZ:

Now, George, I never throw anything of yours away.

GEORGE:

Not much, you don't. If you don't throw it away, you tear it into rags! And if you can't tear it, you plant ivy in it!

LIZ:

George, calm down.

GEORGE:

How can I calm down after what happened last Sunday?

LIZ:

(DISMISSIVE) Oh--

GEORGE:

Now, there was a blow to crush a man's spirit.

LIZ:

Now, you're not gonna start that again?

GEORGE:

I'm looking for a rag to wipe off the car, I reach into the rag bag, I take my hand out and what's in it? What's in it?! The tail of my favorite hunting shirt! ...

LIZ:

Oh, George, that hunting shirt was faded, it was torn under the arm, most of the buttons were missing, and it shrunk two sizes.

GEORGE:

Sure, it was just broken in. ... All I can say is, if you've thrown my uke away, Liz--

LIZ:

George, George, now be practical. When was the last time you saw that thing?

GEORGE:

Well, it hasn't been long ago at all. I played it just the other night at the alumni dinner.

LIZ:

Do you happen to recall what year "just the other night" was in?

GEORGE:

(BEAT, DISCOURAGED) Um, Nineteen Thirty-Eight. ...

LIZ:

Well, now, that hasn't been so long, has it? Maybe it's still on a string around your neck.

GEORGE:

Well, that's where I should have kept it.

LIZ:

Now, if you'll stop accusing me, I'll try to help you. Probably up in the attic.

GEORGE:

Well, let's go up there and get it. Should be easy to find.

LIZ:

Oh, you dreamer.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

LIZ AND GEORGE'S FOOTSTEPS UP STAIRS TO ATTIC ... IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

LIZ:

Hey, wait for me, George!

GEORGE:

Well, hurry up. What kept ya?

LIZ:

Well, you told Katy to take your glee club sweater to the cleaners. I had to find it for her.

GEORGE:

Well, I thought it would look better. Didn't really need cleaning.

LIZ:

Didn't need cleaning?! I had to warn Katy not to drop it, it might break!

GEORGE:

Oh, you women don't understand. A man's old clothes are filled with sentiment.

LIZ:

That's sediment, not sentiment. ...

SOUND:

FOOTSTEPS OUT DURING ABOVE ... RATTLE OF KNOB ON ATTIC DOOR

GEORGE:

Boy, this attic door sticks.

SOUND:

ATTIC DOOR CREAKS OPEN

GEORGE:

There.

LIZ:

Whew! Ooh, it's stuffy up here. Open the window, George.

GEORGE:

Okay. (WHISPERS, TENSE) Wait a minute.

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) What's the matter?

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS) Don't move. There's someone in the corner.

LIZ:

(WHISPERS) Where?

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS) Over there. He just ducked down.

LIZ:

George, I think that--

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS) Sh! Let me handle this. (UP, STERNLY) Who's there? (NO ANSWER, PLAYS THE TOUGH GUY) I see ya. Come out with your hands over your head.

LIZ:

(AMUSED, WHISPERS) He won't do it. Let's charge him!

GEORGE:

(WHISPERS) Nonsense. Stop it, Liz. Get in back of me.

LIZ:

(DRY) I can't. You're up against the wall. ...

GEORGE:

He's a tricky one. I wonder why he won't answer.

LIZ:

Well, maybe it's because he's my dressmakers dummy.

GEORGE:

What?!

LIZ:

(LAUGHS, IMITATES GEORGE) "Come out with your hands over your head!" ...

GEORGE:

That'll do. You might have told me.

LIZ:

Oh, well, you were being so brave, honey. (CHUCKLES)

GEORGE:

(GOOD-NATURED) Ohhhhh.

LIZ:

Open the window, go ahead.

GEORGE:

I am.

SOUND:

GEORGE'S STEPS TO WINDOW, WHICH OPENS

LIZ:

Oh, there. That's better. Gets a little air in here. Whew!

SOUND:

ATTIC DOOR CREAKS AND SLAMS SHUT

GEORGE:

Oops, the door blew shut-- Hey, how about this?! The first box I looked at is marked "ukulele"!

LIZ:

Well, that's good. Open it.

SOUND:

BOX OPENED

GEORGE:

Hey. Hey, wait a minute, this isn't my ukulele. It's a pair of ski boots.

LIZ:

Yeah, well, that figures.

GEORGE:

What do you mean?

LIZ:

Well, years ago when I packed all the boxes, I didn't have the labels with me.

GEORGE:

So?

LIZ:

So I went downstairs and wrote out the labels.

GEORGE:

So?

LIZ:

So when I got back, I forgot which label went with which box.

GEORGE:

Soooo--?

LIZ:

Stop saying that! (IMITATES GEORGE) "Sooo, sooo." (RESUMES) So I pasted them on any box!

GEORGE:

Well, why?

LIZ:

Well, they were all written, I didn't want to waste 'em!

GEORGE:

(A LENGTHY GROAN) ... This should be fun. A surprise in every package. Just like eating Cracker Jack.

LIZ:

Well, we'll find it. Now, don't worry.

GEORGE:

Well, here's a box that says, "ski boots." By rights, this should be my ukulele.

SOUND:

BOX OPENED

LIZ:

What's in it?

GEORGE:

I don't know. Whatever it is, it's dead. Looks like old rotten weeds with ribbons tied around them.

LIZ:

Ohhh, that's my corsage collection!

GEORGE:

Your what?

LIZ:

My corsage collection. All through school I saved the flowers the boys sent me. I still have every one.

GEORGE:

Does the Board of Health know about this? ...

LIZ:

Never mind. Now, put it away.

GEORGE:

Look, Liz, the reason this attic is a mess is because it's cluttered with junk like this. Now, let's throw it out.

LIZ:

Take your hand off that box! It stays! For sentimental reasons.

GEORGE:

Oh, Liz, be practical.

LIZ:

(THINKS IT OVER) Well-- Oh, I suppose you're right. It goes.

GEORGE:

Hm. Now, let's see how much more we can get rid of.

LIZ:

Here's a box marked Halloween costumes.

SOUND:

BOX OPENED

LIZ:

What's all this junk in here?

GEORGE:

Hey, look at that! (LOVINGLY) My wonderful electric train. ...

LIZ:

Well, I haven't heard you use that tone since you proposed. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, gosh, I haven't seen this train in years.

LIZ:

Well, you certainly have no use for it now. Out it goes.

GEORGE:

Take your hand off that box! It stays!

LIZ:

Oh, George, don't be silly!

GEORGE:

Now, who's being silly? That train doesn't leave this house.

LIZ:

(IRONIC) Now, that's being practical. There's nothing as useful as an electric train.

GEORGE:

But, Liz--

LIZ:

In fact, we should get another one for me. We can race them every night before we go to bed! ... (MAKES TRAIN WHISTLE NOISES)

GEORGE:

(RESIGNED) Yeah. I guess you're right. Out it goes.

LIZ:

(BEAT, QUIETLY) George?

GEORGE:

What?

LIZ:

I'll let you keep your train if you let me keep my corsage collection.

GEORGE:

It's a deal!

LIZ:

(LAUGHS)

GEORGE:

(LAUGHS) Yeah, but let's get some of this other junk out of here.

LIZ:

All right.

GEORGE:

What about those old magazines?

LIZ:

No. No, they got recipes in 'em. How 'bout that tennis racket?

GEORGE:

Well, it's a good frame. What about that old dining room table?

LIZ:

What about that mounted fish?

MUSIC:

DIALOGUE IS TOPPED BY A BRIEF BRIDGE

LIZ:

Now, you don't need these bowling shoes.

GEORGE:

I do, too. And what good are those old drapes?

LIZ:

I'm going to make something of them. Oh, George, we've been up here for hours and haven't gotten rid of a thing.

GEORGE:

And we haven't found the ukulele either.

LIZ:

Well, let's get some lunch and try it again this afternoon when we're stronger.

GEORGE:

Sounds good to me.

SOUND:

GEORGE'S STEPS TO ATTIC DOOR ... KNOB RATTLES

GEORGE:

(BEAT) That's funny.

LIZ:

What's the matter?

GEORGE:

The door is stuck. The lock must have snapped shut when it slammed.

LIZ:

Well, pull on it.

GEORGE:

Well, I am. (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

SOUND:

KNOB RATTLES FOR A FEW MOMENTS

GEORGE:

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT, BEAT) Aw, it's no use, Liz. There's no lock on this side of the door.

LIZ:

Oh, great. Well, what do we do now, stay up here until someone finds us?

GEORGE:

Well, now, take it easy. We'll just call Katy and have her come up and unlock it. (YELLS) Katy!

LIZ:

George--

GEORGE:

(YELLS) Katy!

LIZ:

George--

GEORGE:

(YELLS) Katy!

LIZ:

(YELLS) George! (NORMAL VOICE) Katy isn't here. She went downtown.

GEORGE:

Wouldn't you know she'd be downtown when we need her? Now, who told her to do a stupid thing like that?

LIZ:

You did. She took your glee club sweater to the cleaners, remember?

GEORGE:

Oh, that's right. Well-- Well, she ought to be back by now.

LIZ:

Well, I don't think that she will be, George.

GEORGE:

Why do you say that?

LIZ:

Well, I didn't think we'd need her, so I told her to take the afternoon off and go to a movie.

GEORGE:

Oh, no!

LIZ:

Oh, yes! (SUDDENLY) Oh, look! Mr. Wood is out in his back yard!

GEORGE:

Where is he?

LIZ:

Right over there. His oldest boy's working on a motorcycle.

SOUND:

NOISY MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS BRIEFLY

LIZ:

(CALLS) Yoo hoo! Mr. Wood!

GEORGE:

He's looking around.

LIZ:

(CALLS) Yoo hoo! Mr. Wood! (TO GEORGE) He doesn't see me. (CALLS) Up here in the attic!

MR. WOOD:

(OFF) Oh, Mrs. Cooper. I couldn't find you.

LIZ:

(CALLS) Mr. Wood, we're up here in the attic and--!

MR. WOOD:

(OFF) I see you are! That's nice! ...

GEORGE:

Nice?

LIZ:

(CALLS) We came up here to throw some things away--

SOUND:

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS ... CONTINUES NOISILY DURING NEXT LINE--

LIZ:

(CALLS) --and the door locked behind us and we can't get out! Katy's gone and if you'd just come in the house and unlock the door--

SOUND:

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE CUTS OUT

LIZ:

(CALLS) --we'd be very grateful!

MR. WOOD:

(BEAT, OFF) Grateful for what? ...

LIZ:

(CALLS) Mr. Wood, we're--

SOUND:

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS ... CONTINUES NOISILY DURING NEXT LINE--

LIZ:

(CALLS) --trapped in the attic because the door's locked! Will you please come up and let us out so we can--

SOUND:

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE CUTS OUT

LIZ:

(CALLS) --get some lunch?

MR. WOOD:

(BEAT, OFF) Oh, thanks, anyway! I've had my lunch! ...

GEORGE:

(TO LIZ) Quick! Now! While the motor's off!

LIZ:

(CALLS, RAPIDLY) Mr. Wood! We're up in the attic and the door is locked and we want you to come up and let us out! (TO GEORGE) I made it.

GEORGE:

Yeah.

MR. WOOD:

(OFF) You'll have to talk slower, Mrs. Cooper! I couldn't hear a word you said! ...

LIZ:

Oh, no. (CALLS, SLOW AND DELIBERATE) Mr. Wood! George and I are in the attic and can't--!

SOUND:

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS NOISILY, CUTTING OFF LIZ

LIZ:

(TO GEORGE) Oh, that monster!

SOUND:

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE CUTS OUT

LIZ:

(CALLS) Mr. Wood! Can't you do something about that motorcycle?!

MR. WOOD:

(OFF) We're trying! I think we got it licked now! See you later! ...

SOUND:

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS AND DRIVES INTO THE DISTANCE BEHIND--

LIZ:

(CALLS) Wait! Wait! (DISMAYED) Ohhh--

GEORGE:

Well, nice try, Liz. Maybe we should set fire to something and send smoke signals.

LIZ:

Set fire to what, for instance? Me?

GEORGE:

Mmmm. How 'bout your corsage collection?

LIZ:

Oh, no, you don't.

GEORGE:

Look! Isn't that the newsboy on that bicycle?

LIZ:

Yes! (CALLS) Jimmy! Oh, Jimmy!

JIMMY:

(BEAT, OFF) Where are ya? I don't see ya!

LIZ:

(CALLS) Up here, Jimmy! Up in the attic!

JIMMY:

(BEAT, OFF) Okay! If you say so!

LIZ:

(CALLS) We wondered if you could--?

SOUND:

OF LIZ BEING HIT IN THE FACE BY A THROWN NEWSPAPER

LIZ:

(STARTLED) Oh! (BEAT) He hit me right in the face with that paper. ...

GEORGE:

He thought you wanted it up here.

LIZ:

How do you like that kid? For three years he hasn't been able to hit the front porch! ... Today, he puts it right through the attic window into my kisser. ...

GEORGE:

Ahh, we're licked, Liz.

LIZ:

Well, at least we'll know what's going on in the outside world.

GEORGE:

(BEAT, DECISIVE) Stand back, Liz.

LIZ:

What are you gonna do?

GEORGE:

(DETERMINED) I'm going to break the door down.

LIZ:

You can't do that.

GEORGE:

Well, there's nothing to it, Liz. I've seen them do it in the movies a million times.

LIZ:

Well, all right.

GEORGE:

Stand back. Here I come!

SOUND:

GEORGE'S RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ACROSS ATTIC ... HE SLAMS INTO THE DOOR ... BEAT ... HE COLLAPSES IN A HEAP TO THE FLOOR ...

LIZ:

George! Are you hurt?

GEORGE:

(DAZED) Ohhh, what happened? What am I doing over here?

LIZ:

Well, you bounced clear into the corner! ...

GEORGE:

Wow. They - they must use fake doors in pictures.

LIZ:

Maybe they use real men! ... No, I'm sorry I said that, George. That was cruel. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES GOOD-NATUREDLY) Well, luckily I landed on some of your boxes.

LIZ:

Oh, yeah. Let's see if you broke anything.

SOUND:

BOX OPENED

LIZ:

Oh, George, guess what? We found your ukulele. Now you can be a Bull Frog!

GEORGE:

Well, give it to me. Is it broken?

MUSIC:

BRIEF OUT-OF-TUNE UKULELE ACCOMPANIMENT BEHIND--

GEORGE:

(SINGS) "My dog has fleas--" (DISMAYED AT THE SOUND) Ewww.

MUSIC:

PICKS OUT "MY DOG HAS FLEAS" ON OUT-OF-TUNE UKULELE ... OUT WITH--

LIZ:

(ALSO DISMAYED) Oooh. I think when you landed, you flattened your fleas. ...

MUSIC:

STRUMMING VAMP ... THEN UKULELE ACCOMPANIMENT BEHIND--

GEORGE:

(SINGS) "Yes sir, that's my baby! No sir, don't mean maybe! Yes sir, that's my baby now!"

LIZ:

(OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE) George. George? George! George!

GEORGE:

Huh?

LIZ:

George, as long as we're stuck up here, do me a favor, will ya? Don't sing.

GEORGE:

(GROANS)

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

LIZ:

(WEAK) George?

GEORGE:

(WEARY) Yes, Liz?

LIZ:

What month was it when we came up here? ...

GEORGE:

September.

LIZ:

I thought so. Look at the calendar on the wall. It's March. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, Liz.

LIZ:

I wonder if it was a tough winter. ...

GEORGE:

Now, stop it. That's an old calendar.

LIZ:

Well, it seems like it's been that long. (BEAT) George?

GEORGE:

Yeah?

LIZ:

(STARTS WAILING) ...

GEORGE:

Now, honey-- Now, don't cry.

LIZ:

(TEARFUL) Who's crying? (WEEPS COMICALLY BEHIND NEXT LINE--)

GEORGE:

Now, look. We'll get out of here before very long, you'll see, and we'll look back on this and have a good laugh.

LIZ:

We will?

GEORGE:

Sure! (A LENGTHY, FORCED, AND THOROUGHLY UNCONVINCING LAUGH)

LIZ:

(BEAT, THEN WAILS LOUDER) ...

GEORGE:

Aw, now, sweetie, come on now. Here, take my handkerchief and dry your eyes.

LIZ:

(HEAVING A LITTLE) Oh, okay.

GEORGE:

Are you my big brave girl?

LIZ:

Yes, George.

GEORGE:

Now, forget that we're locked in, honey.

LIZ:

All right.

GEORGE:

Now, think of this as an exciting adventure -- an outing. (CHEERFUL) We're having a picnic in the attic.

LIZ:

(GLUM) We're having a picnic in the attic.

GEORGE:

That's it. Now how do you feel?

LIZ:

(LIKE A CHILD) I'm hungryyyyy! ... We haven't eaten since breakfast. I'm starved.

GEORGE:

I know it. I'm as hungry as you are, but there's nothing to eat up here, so forget it.

LIZ:

I know where there's something to eat.

GEORGE:

Hm?

LIZ:

I saw it a few minutes ago.

SOUND:

RUMMAGES THROUGH BOXES

LIZ:

Now, where is it? Oh, here it is!

GEORGE:

What is it?

LIZ:

Now, stay away from me! This is mine! (BARKS LIKE A DOG) ...

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) All right, I won't touch it. Now, what is it?

LIZ:

It's a piece of cake.

GEORGE:

A piece of cake?

LIZ:

Yes -- our wedding cake. ...

GEORGE:

Liz, that's ten years old; it's petrified.

LIZ:

You're just trying to get it away from me!

GEORGE:

Drop it on the floor, Liz.

SOUND:

THUMP! OF CAKE AS IT HITS FLOOR AND RATTLES AWAY ...

LIZ:

I see what you mean. Ohhh! There's a piece of cheese over in the corner! I wonder if I can get it out without snapping the trap. ...

GEORGE:

Now, Liz, you're getting hysterical.

LIZ:

But I'm so hungry!

GEORGE:

Well, I'm just as hungry as you are.

LIZ:

(WORRIED) You are? (PANICS) George, don't look at me like that! ... You stay back, George! You wouldn't like me! I'm all stringy and tough and soggy! ...

GEORGE:

Aw, now, don't be silly. Katy should be home any minute.

LIZ:

How do you know? She may have stepped off the curb into the path of an oncoming truck! We'll never see her again. We'll never see anybody again. And thousands of years from now, some archeologists will dig their way into the attic and find some bleached bones marked "His" and "Hers." ...

GEORGE:

Oh, stop it now, Liz.

LIZ:

I can't help it! I've been in here too long! I'm stir crazy! ...

GEORGE:

You know, I'm beginning to think you are!

LIZ:

Look, we've gotta get out of here. Even if we have to jump out the window. That's it! Jump. You jump, George; you're a Bull Frog. ...

GEORGE:

Hey! You've given me an idea!

LIZ:

Oh, I didn't mean it, George, I didn't mean it. Honest I didn't.

GEORGE:

Oh, I'm not going to jump, but we could make a rope out of these old drapes and one of us could lower the other one to the ground. Here, help me knot them.

SOUND:

DRAPES KNOTTED DURING FOLLOWING--

LIZ:

Well, George, I hate to think of your doing this. It's dangerous.

GEORGE:

I know it, but I'll have to take that chance. Now, be very careful on the way down. ...

LIZ:

Just a moment. Who's lowering whom?

GEORGE:

I'm lowering you-m.

LIZ:

Over my-m dead body you m-are. ...

GEORGE:

Look, do you want to get out of here or don't you?

LIZ:

Yes, I do, but somehow I pictured me on a different end of the drapes. ...

GEORGE:

Liz, I'm only thinking of you.

LIZ:

So am I!

GEORGE:

Give me one good reason why you shouldn't go. You're weaker, you're lighter, you're smaller--

LIZ:

You're insured! ...

GEORGE:

This is no time to make jokes. You aren't strong enough to bear my weight. So, if you won't go down, we can forget the whole thing.

LIZ:

(BEAT) Well, all right, George.

GEORGE:

Now, it won't be bad at all. We'll get you over the edge and before you know it - boom! - you'll be on the ground. ...

LIZ:

You mean before I know it - squash! - I'll be on the ground. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, nothing will happen. Now, come on, get up on the window ledge.

SOUND:

LIZ CLIMBS UP ON LEDGE

LIZ:

(SIGHS)

GEORGE:

Now, I'll tie the drapes around your waist.

LIZ:

Okay.

GEORGE:

There. Now all you have to do is hang on while I lower you to the ground.

LIZ:

Oh. Well, George, before I go, I want to say something.

GEORGE:

Yes, dear?

LIZ:

If anything happens, I want you to have my corsage collection. ...

GEORGE:

Nothing's going to happen.

LIZ:

Well, wish me luck.

GEORGE:

Luck!

LIZ:

Okay.

GEORGE:

Okay. Now-- Now, hang on tight.

LIZ:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Lower away.

GEORGE:

Here we go.

MR. WOOD:

(OFF) Mrs. Cooper! Don't do it! ...

LIZ:

Oh! Mr. Wood!

MR. WOOD:

(OFF) Mrs. Cooper, don't jump! Stay there! I'll be right up! Life is too sweet! Life can be beautiful! ... Don't jump till I've had a chance to talk to you! I'll be right up!

LIZ:

George! Pull me back up! We've been saved!

GEORGE:

Okay! Here you come!

SOUND:

RIP! OF FABRIC

LIZ:

Up, George! Pull me up!

GEORGE:

I'm pulling!

SOUND:

A LONGER RIP! OF FABRIC

LIZ:

Hurry up, George!

SOUND:

THE LONGEST RIP! OF FABRIC

GEORGE:

(HORRIFIED DESPAIR) Liz?! Liz! What have I done?!

LIZ:

You pulled me up so fast, you ripped my dress on a nail! ...

GEORGE:

Oh, thank goodness you're all right.

SOUND:

MR. WOOD'S FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE ATTIC DOOR ... HE POUNDS ON THE DOOR

MR. WOOD:

(BEHIND DOOR) Open the door!

GEORGE:

(CALLS) You open it! The lock's on your side!

MR. WOOD:

(BEHIND DOOR) Ohhh!

SOUND:

ATTIC DOOR OPENS ... MR. WOOD'S FOOTSTEPS IN

MR. WOOD:

Oh, Mrs. Cooper, you mustn't jump.

LIZ:

Wait, Mr. Wood, let me explain--

MR. WOOD:

No, no -- you couldn't give me a reason good enough. You have so much to live for. You're young, you're beautiful, you're vibrant--

LIZ:

(PLEASED) Ohhh-- (CHUCKLES)

GEORGE:

(A LITTLE OFFENDED) Now, listen, Mr. Wood-- ...

MR. WOOD:

Think how good life is, Mrs. Cooper. Think of your husband, think of the children--

LIZ:

I don't have any children.

MR. WOOD:

But I've got eleven children; you can have a couple of mine. ...

LIZ:

Well, Mr. Wood, you see, I really wasn't going to jump.

MR. WOOD:

Of course you weren't, it never entered your mind. Don't worry, my lips are sealed. Let's close this window, huh?

SOUND:

WINDOW SHUTS

LIZ:

Oh, please listen to me for a minute. You've got it wrong, Mr. Wood. We were simply locked here in the attic and couldn't get out.

MR. WOOD:

Locked in the attic?

LIZ:

Yes, you see, we came up early this morning to look for George's ukulele. And when we came in we shut the door like this--

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS

LIZ:

-- and we-- (GASPS) ...

GEORGE:

Liz! Liz, you didn't!

LIZ:

I did.

MR. WOOD:

It isn't locked again?!

LIZ:

Want to bet? ...

MR. WOOD:

But I've got to get out of here. Now, this is ridiculous.

SOUND:

MR. WOOD BANGS ON DOOR

GEORGE:

That won't do any good, I tried it.

MR. WOOD:

Yeah, but they're waiting dinner for me. All twelve of them. My wife roasted a side of beef.

LIZ:

Well, I'm sorry. There's a piece of cake and some cheese here.

GEORGE:

Oh, Liz.

SOUND:

MR. WOOD BANGS ON DOOR BEHIND--

MR. WOOD:

Help! Help! Help!

KATY:

(BEHIND DOOR) Who's in there?

LIZ:

Oh, it's Katy! She's home! (CALLS) Let us out, Katy!

SOUND:

KATY'S HURRIED FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS ... KATY'S STEPS IN

KATY:

What is this, a meeting or something?

LIZ:

Oh, are we glad to see you, Katy. We thought you'd never get home.

KATY:

I have a confession to make, Mrs. Cooper. I didn't go out. ...

LIZ:

You didn't?!

KATY:

No, I've been down in my room all afternoon asleep.

LIZ:

My goodness, didn't you hear us shouting and stomping around?

KATY:

I didn't hear a thing. I was sleeping on my good ear.

GEORGE:

Oh, great. ...

LIZ:

Well, let's get out of here. George, open the window a little so it won't get so stuffy in here again.

GEORGE:

Okay.

SOUND:

WINDOW OPENED ... ATTIC DOOR BEGINS TO CREAK SHUT

LIZ:

(REALIZES, HORRIFIED) Oh! Stop! Get the door! The wind is slamming it--

SOUND:

DOOR SHUTS

LIZ:

--shut. ...

MR. WOOD:

(IN DESPAIR) Now we'll never get out.

KATY:

Oh, yes, we will. The firemen will let us out.

LIZ:

They won't know we're here. We can't call them.

KATY:

Oh, they'll be here for the fire.

LIZ:

What fire?

KATY:

The one that follows the explosion.

LIZ:

What explosion?! What are you talking about, Katy?!

KATY:

I left the pressure cooker on the stove.

LIZ:

Oh, no!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN ... CONTINUES TO END

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

"My Favorite Husband" has been presented through the worldwide facilities of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.