MUSIC:

THEME ... THEN IN BG

SOUND:

LOPING HOOF BEATS APPROACH

ANNOUNCER:

The man in the saddle is angular and long-legged. His skin is sun-dyed brown. The gun in his holster is gray steel and rainbow mother-of-pearl; its handle, unmarked. People call them both "The Six Shooter."

SOUND:

LOPING HOOF BEATS FADE OUT

MUSIC:

FILLS PAUSE ... THEN IN BG

ANNOUNCER:

James Stewart as "The Six-Shooter," a transcribed series of radio dramas based on the life of Britt Ponset, the Texas plainsman who wandered through the western territories leaving behind a trail of still-remembered legends.

SOUND:

LOPING HOOF BEATS FADE IN DURING ABOVE ... THEN OUT

MUSIC:

THEME FADES OUT ... THEN SPRIGHTLY, FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN IN BG

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Tower Rock sure was spruced up. Flags on almost every building. A big banner stretched all the way across Main Street, all the way from the roof of the hotel to the top of the Whitford Bank. "Franklin County Fair" -- that's what it said. "Prizes, rodeo, free barbecue -- Saturday, August twentieth. Come one, come all." Well, tomorrow'd be the twentieth. I'd come to town a day early to be sure of gettin' a room. Good thing I did, too. Only one left was on the second floor. The livery stable side of the hotel, at that. I put my clean shirt in the dresser drawer and headed downstairs. The clock in the lobby said three-fifteen.

SOUND:

BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS THROUGH LOBBY ... THEN UNDER

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Well, that meant I had time to sorta give Tower Rock the once over before supper and--

SOUND:

HOTEL FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE

MUSIC:

OUT

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Thought maybe I'd wander over and see how Kermit and Rome were gettin' along.

SOUND:

BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL ... STREET BACKGROUND (HORSES, ET CETERA)

BRITT:

(NARRATES) But just as I was crossing the street I saw Rome come out of the front door [of the bank]. (CALLS) Rome! Hey! Hey, Rome!

ROME:

(OFF) Hmm? Oh, Britt! (APPROACHES) Well, well, well, finally decided to put in an appearance, huh? How are ya?

SOUND:

BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS STOP

BRITT:

I'm fine, Rome. Fine. I was just on my way over to see ya.

ROME:

(LAUGHS) You're not runnin' short of cash, are ya, Britt?

BRITT:

No. No, no. It was gonna be a social call. Not that I'm flush or anything like that.

ROME:

Come into town for the fair, huh?

BRITT:

Yeah, yeah. I haven't been to one since I-don't-know-when. I figured Dad Morgan's cattle'd do without me for a few days, so-- Well, how are things with you, Rome?

ROME:

Oh, so-so. So-so.

BRITT:

Bessie? Is she all right?

ROME:

Oh, pretty well, pretty well.

BRITT:

Kermit and Thelma?

ROME:

(BEAT, CHILLY) I guess they're all right.

BRITT:

(PUZZLED) You, uh-- You guess?

ROME:

(CURT) I ain't inquired lately. (MORE FRIENDLY) Well, I better get movin'. I told Bessie I'd pick her up at the schoolhouse. She's on the decoratin' committee. (MOVING OFF) I'll see ya later, Britt.

SOUND:

ROME'S FOOTSTEPS START OFF

BRITT:

(QUIET, MYSTIFIED) Yeah. Yeah, I'll see ya.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND BRITT--

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Hmmm. Well, I sure couldn't figure out what was the matter with Rome; the way he froze up when I mentioned Kermit. Why, they'd always been more like kin than in-laws. Folks said it sure was lucky for the Whitford girls to marry two fellas who got along so well. 'Specially after Jess Whitford died and left the bank to both his daughters, fifty-fifty. Kermit and Rome had turned into first class bankers, too. Why, the Whitfield Bank probably-- Oh, is worth 'bout twice as much now than it was when Jess had run it.

SOUND:

KERMIT'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

KERMIT:

(APPROACHES) Well, hello, Britt. Where'd you come from?

BRITT:

Hmm? Oh, Kermit! Oh! I was just thinkin' about you.

KERMIT:

'Bout me?

BRITT:

Yeah. Well, I ran into Rome a minute ago--

KERMIT:

(ABRUPTLY COOL) Yeah, I suppose he was shootin' off his mouth again.

BRITT:

(TAKEN ABACK) What? Well, no--

KERMIT:

Just don't believe everything you hear, Britt. There's two sides to every story. Remember that.

BRITT:

Sure, Kermit.

KERMIT:

Well, I gotta be runnin' along. Thelma's at the schoolhouse waitin' for me to fetch her home.

BRITT:

Well, you could have saved yourself a trip.

KERMIT:

Huh?

BRITT:

Well, that's where Rome was headin' to get Bessie. He could have picked her up -- Thelma -- at the same time.

KERMIT:

(INCREDULOUS) Why, you don't think they'd ride in the same buggy, do ya?

BRITT:

Huh?

KERMIT:

(MOVING OFF) Well, I'll probably see you at the fair tomorrow. So long.

SOUND:

KERMIT'S FOOTSTEPS START OFF

BRITT:

(MYSTIFIED) Yeah. Yeah, sure. So long.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND BRITT--

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Well, there just wasn't any doubt about it. Something had happened between the Binghams and the Maddens, that's all. It musta been somethin' pretty serious, too, the way Kermit and Rome had been actin'. And knowin' Thelma and Bessie like I did, I-- Oh, boy, I sure was glad I wasn't involved in that. They were real firm women, Thelma and Bessie. Always had been, ever since they were girls. I couldn't help wondering just what had set 'em off. Not that it was any of my business, of course, but I-- Well, Otis Spear'd know! Yeah, bein' the Justice of the Peace and the local undertaker, he knew almost everything that went on in Foster County.

OTIS:

You ain't never seen nothing like it, Britt, the way they've been behavin'. Why, they ain't even spoke to each other for the past two months.

BRITT:

Ya don't say.

OTIS:

Take turns going to church. One Sunday the Binghams attend services; next Sunday, the Maddens -- just so's Thelma and Bessie won't meet up.

BRITT:

Well, that's the darnedest-- I can't believe it.

OTIS:

Well, that ain't the half of it; not the half. You remember the Social Sixteen? You know them couples who always got together and played whist on Friday nights?

BRITT:

Yeah.

OTIS:

Well, it ain't the Social Sixteen no more. The Binghams pulled out. The Medallias, the Johnsons, and the Potters -- they left at the same time. We've got two Social Eights now.

BRITT:

You--? Two--? You mean this foolishness has gone beyond Thelma and Bessie? Other folks are takin' sides, too?

OTIS:

I'll say they are. The whole town is split right down the middle.

BRITT:

Well, I never heard of such a thing. How'd it start, anyway?

OTIS:

Well, last May; last May, that was the beginning. Thelma's birthday is the first week in May. Her sister Bessie's just a year younger, almost to the day; her birthday's the, umm, tenth or eleventh, right in there somewhere.

BRITT:

Mmm hmm. Uh huh.

OTIS:

Well, seems Kermit bought his wife a new surrey for her birthday present. Had it shipped all the way out from Kansas City. Thelma sure was proud, too. Well, you can't blame her. It was just about the nicest carriage this town'd ever seen. Well, the nicest until it came time for Rome to give Bessie her present the following week.

BRITT:

You don't mean he bought Bessie a surrey, too?

OTIS:

Yup, yup. That's what he did. Even fancier than the one Kermit give to Thelma. Yup, a whole lot fancier. Red leather seats with real springs in 'em. A white top and painted white wheels. Of course, Rome said it was just a coincidence -- that he'd ordered Bessie's surrey long before he found out that's what Kermit was givin' to Thelma.

BRITT:

And it sounds reasonable, too. He could've have done that.

OTIS:

Yeah, some folks think so, and some don't. Kermit and Thelma claimed it was just plain spite work, that Rome and Bessie had always been jealous of 'em. Anyhow, that surrey business just seemed to set everybody off, especially the women. Oh, being sisters I guess they'd had their grievances before, but they'd always held them back. Now they just let fly in all directions. Why, Thelma's even goin' to, ah--

BRITT:

(BEAT) Huh? What? What were you gonna say, Otis?

OTIS:

Oh, nothin', Britt, nothin'. (CLEARS THROAT, CHANGES SUBJECT, SLYLY) Say, uh, you're gonna stay for the fair, aren't you?

BRITT:

Oh, yeah, sure. That's why I'm here.

OTIS:

Uh huh. Well, I was thinking, maybe, umm-- Maybe you wouldn't mind helping me out.

BRITT:

Oh? What?

OTIS:

You see, I'm general chairman of the whole doin's, and I got almost everything set, 'ceptin' some of the judging.

BRITT:

Oh? Well, I'm not much of an authority, but I guess I can tell a cow from a horse.

OTIS:

Oh, no, no, no, no. We're all fixed up in that department, but, um, the baked goods and preserves and pickles. Well, I just haven't been able to find the right person to hand out the blue ribbons there.

BRITT:

Oh, well, I don't know anything about cooking, Otis. I--

OTIS:

Well, you know about tasting, don't you?

BRITT:

(CONCEDES) Well, yeah.

OTIS:

Well, that's all you got to do, Britt. Sample whatever they put in front of you and say which one tastes the best.

BRITT:

(RELUCTANT) Oh, now, wait - wait a minute, Otis--

OTIS:

I'll tell you what. I'll just put you down for preserves. I'll get somebody else to take over the rest of the stuff.

BRITT:

No, but--

SOUND:

OTIS'S FOOTSTEPS START OFF BEHIND--

OTIS:

Well, I got a meetin' of the barbecue committee over at the General Store. (MOVING OFF) You be here at the schoolhouse nine o'clock in the morning. That's when the judging's supposed to start.

BRITT:

But, wait, Otis. What--?

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, OFF

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN OUT

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Gee whiz. The idea of me giving out blue ribbons for preserves. I-- Why, I couldn't tell peach from grape if it wasn't for the color. Well-- Well, there wasn't any sense of me standing here in the funeral parlor worrying about it. So I went back to the hotel to fix up for supper.

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

BRITT:

Yeah. Who is it?

BESSIE:

(BEHIND DOOR) Bessie Madden, Britt.

BRITT:

Eh--? Oh. Well, just a second, uh--

SOUND:

BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS TO HOTEL ROOM DOOR, WHICH OPENS

BRITT:

Well-- Well, won't you come in, Bessie?

BESSIE:

Why, thank you.

SOUND:

BESSIE'S FOOTSTEPS IN ... HOTEL ROOM DOOR CLOSES

BRITT:

Hey. Well, you're lookin' well.

BESSIE:

(OVERLY FRIENDLY) Oh, so are you, Britt, so are you. My goodness I don't think I've ever seen you look better.

BRITT:

(MODEST) Oh, now, Bessie--

BESSIE:

Well, what I come by for was to pick you up and take you over to our house for supper.

BRITT:

Ah. Oh?

BESSIE:

You don't have no other plans, do you?

BRITT:

No. No, I was just gonna eat here at the hotel.

BESSIE:

Oh, you don't think we'd let you eat at the hotel, Britt? Why, you're one of our closest friends; always have been.

BRITT:

Well, I--

BESSIE:

I don't know why Rome didn't invite you when you met up this afternoon. Guess he just took it for granted that you'd know I'd be expectin' ya. We're havin' fried chicken, hot biscuits, some of my strawberry preserves. You do like chicken, don't you, Britt?

BRITT:

Oh, oh, sure, sure.

BESSIE:

Well, what are we waitin' for? I've got my surrey outside and I'd be glad--

SOUND:

KNOCK ON DOOR

BRITT:

Well-- Oh. Oh, excuse me, Bessie.

BESSIE:

Of course, Britt, of course.

SOUND:

BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS TO HOTEL ROOM DOOR, WHICH OPENS

THELMA:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Britt! Well! I just heard that you were in Tower Rock and I wanted to tell ya Kermit and I are expecting you for supper. Now I won't take no for an answer--

BESSIE:

(POINTEDLY CLEARS THROAT)

THELMA:

(SURPRISED AND DISAPPOINTED) Ohhhh. Oh, I thought you were alone. Didn't mean to interrupt anything.

BESSIE:

You're a little late, Thelma. Britt's having supper with Rome and me.

THELMA:

Hah! Might have expected you'd pull a stunt like this, Bessie Madden. Trying to bribe him, huh?

BRITT:

Bribe? Ladies, ladies, I--

BESSIE:

And I suppose you didn't ask him to supper yourself? This is one time you can't lie out of it, Thelma. I heard you with my own voice!

THELMA:

There's no reason I shouldn't ask him. Britt's a friend of mine.

BESSIE:

A friend of yours? You've never put yourself out for him before! Not once in your whole life!

BRITT:

Bessie--

THELMA:

And since when were you so interested in his welfare?

BRITT:

Thelma--

THELMA:

The minute you found he was gonna be judgin' the preserves tomorrow, that's when.

BRITT:

Preserves?

BESSIE:

As if I had any cause to try and influence him. My strawberry preserves have won first prize at every county fair for the last ten years!

THELMA:

Yes. But I've never entered against ya before. I let ya win. But this time it's gonna be different.

BESSIE:

You're just makin' a fool of yourself, Thelma. You couldn't cook up a strawberry preserve if your life depended on it.

THELMA:

Hah! I've got Mama's recipe, too, and don't you forget it!

BRITT:

Now, hold on here!

THELMA:

And all I have to do is--

BRITT:

Now, hold on! Now, just hold on here now! (BEAT) Now, I want to get this straight. Now, both of you have entered your strawberry preserves in the fair tomorrow?

THELMA:

I have entered my preserves. Can't speak for her.

BESSIE:

Oh, mine'll be there, too. Don't you worry about that.

BRITT:

And I'm supposed to judge between 'em. Is that it?

BESSIE:

Otis Spears said you'd agreed to do it.

THELMA:

That's right.

BESSIE:

(BEAT) Well, Britt?

BRITT:

(QUIETLY) Just wait 'til I get my hands on Otis Spears.

MUSIC:

FIRST ACT CURTAIN ... [COMMERCIAL BREAK OMITTED] ... THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

ANNOUNCER:

Now Act Two of of "The Six Shooter," starring James Stewart as Britt Ponset.

MUSIC:

BRIEF SECOND ACT INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND BRITT--

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Well, I told Thelma and Bessie that I couldn't have supper with either one of 'em. As a matter of fact, I kind of plain lost my appetite, I guess. It did take me a while to get rid of 'em, though. They both of 'em kept laggin' behind, wantin' to get the last word in. But finally they went home. Well, Otis Spears wasn't at the funeral parlor, so I went over to Widow Berkeley's boardin' house where he lived and waited for him. It was after nine o'clock before he showed up. Mrs. Berkeley had already gone to bed and I heard the front door open and I--

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... OTIS'S FOOTSTEPS IN HALL

BRITT:

(NARRATES) --saw him head for the hall steps. (CALLS) Just hold on, Otis.

OTIS:

Ehh? Oh. Oh, Britt. Well, what are you doing here?

BRITT:

I just wanted you to know that I won't be judging any preserves tomorrow.

OTIS:

What?

BRITT:

You heard me, Otis.

OTIS:

But - but, Britt, you promised you'd do it.

BRITT:

I didn't promise any such kind of a thing. And I don't appreciate your trying to get me in the middle of this feud between Thelma Bingham and Bessie Madden, either.

OTIS:

Oh. You, uh-- You found out, huh?

BRITT:

I sure did. They were over to see me, both of 'em. I never heard such a hen squabble in my whole life.

OTIS:

Well, I told you this thing between 'em was serious.

BRITT:

Well, there were a few things you didn't tell me -- like the fact that they're both entering strawberry preserves at the doin's tomorrow.

OTIS:

Now, now, Britt, you don't understand--

BRITT:

I understand, all right. You didn't want to tackle the job of judging those preserves yourself so you shifted it on me. I understand it all right.

OTIS:

I couldn't judge 'em, Britt. Don't you see? Whichever way I was to choose, I'd make enemies of half the folks in town. The burying business would drop off fifty percent.

BRITT:

Now, Otis, I--

OTIS:

But you're an impartial judge, Britt. You ain't taken no sides in this fracas yet.

BRITT:

And what's more, I don't intend to, either.

OTIS:

Well, of course, if that's the way you feel; if you want Thelma and Bessie to go on feudin' and you won't do nothin' to stop it--

BRITT:

Well, I sure don't see how my judging their preserves would have anything to do with ending their fight.

OTIS:

It's this way, Britt. You're the Six Shooter. Everybody in Tower Rock likes you and respects you and they all know you ain't got no axe to grind in this affair. So, whatever decision you handed down, they'd have to accept it. Both Thelma and Bessie.

BRITT:

Oh, maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't.

OTIS:

Oh, they would, all right. Now, what I'm getting at is this, Britt. Folks have forgotten about the two surreys by now. The argument's gone way past that. And these here preserves have just about become the-the-the crux of the matter. You see, Bessie's always been known for makin' the best strawberry preserves in the whole county. They're her chief claim to fame, you might say. Why, she's even took blue ribbons at the state fair.

BRITT:

Oh, is that so?

OTIS:

And nobody's even thought of entering against her -- not for years and years.

BRITT:

Not until this year.

OTIS:

Yeah, yeah. That's right.

BRITT:

Yeah, yeah. Uh huh.

OTIS:

Now, if Thelma's preserves should be judged better than Bessie's-- Well, that'll mean Thelma's beat her on her own ground. Bessie wouldn't have a leg to stand on. She'd just have to admit that Thelma won out and-- Well, that might settle the trouble between 'em.

BRITT:

Mmm hm. You think that'd be best, Otis -- for Thelma's preserves to win?

OTIS:

Well, not necessarily. You see, if Bessie should take the blue ribbon again-- Well, that'll sort of show everybody that she's still top dog -- in the preserve line, anyway. And folks who've been supporting Thelma might swing over to Bessie's side. And that might settle everything, too.

BRITT:

Mmm hm. The way you've got it figured out, it wouldn't matter who wins. Either way, the fight'd be over, is that it?

OTIS:

That's right. That's it exactly.

BRITT:

Uh huh. Well--

OTIS:

Of course, it's possible that Thelma's takin' first prize might just make Bessie madder than ever and sort of add fuel to the fire. And it's possible that if Bessie was to win again-- Well, uh, vicey-versey.

BRITT:

Vicey-versey. Yeah. I'd say it's more than possible. I'd say it's likely.

OTIS:

(SCOFFS) Oh, now, Britt, you mustn't look on the dark side. I'm absolutely certain that if you make the right decision tomorrow, you'll end this whole thing once and for all. Thelma and Bessie'll go back to being fond of each other and Tower Rock can have a little peace and quiet for a change.

BRITT:

I see. And just what is the right decision, Otis?

OTIS:

Well, that's easy, Britt.

BRITT:

It is, huh?

OTIS:

Well, sure! All you have to do is, ah -- is give the blue ribbon to whichever one made the best tastin' preserves. You don't think we're runnin' a crooked county fair, do you?

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN OUT BEHIND BRITT--

BRITT:

(CHUCKLES, NARRATES) Well-- Well, sir, I never saw a fellow like Otis Spears. He could talk circles around a Philadelphia lawyer. Well, finally I saw that if I was gonna get any sleep at all that night I'd just have to give in. But I made up my mind to one thing. I wasn't gonna have Thelma or Bessie turnin' on me -- either one of 'em. I was gonna say that their preserves tasted exactly the same and call it a tie. And that way there wouldn't be any harm done and I'd be leaving things just the way I found 'em. Of course, I didn't tell Otis what I was planning to do or anything. I just promised that I'd meet him at the schoolhouse in the morning.

OTIS:

Good. I knew you'd come around, Britt. When you saw how much I needed you, I knew you couldn't let me down.

BRITT:

Well, Otis--

OTIS:

I'll walk you to the door.

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS START OFF

BRITT:

Never mind, never mind. I can find my way out. Night.

OTIS:

Night, Britt. See ya tomorrow.

BRITT:

Yeah.

OTIS:

Oh, eh, say--?

BRITT:

Uh huh?

OTIS:

There was one thing I forgot to tell you. Sort of slipped my mind.

BRITT:

What's that?

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS STOP

OTIS:

In case you have any trouble deciding as to who's preserves are the best-- Well, there couldn't be a tie.

BRITT:

(SHAKEN) There couldn't be? Ah, why not?

OTIS:

Oh, you could call it a tie, but that would still mean that Thelma had won.

BRITT:

How's that?

OTIS:

Well, don't you see, Britt? If Thelma's strawberry preserves are just as good as Bessie's, well, folks would think that Thelma had been letting her sister win all these years by not con-testing with her before. No. No, a tie would be the same as giving the prize to Thelma. You do see that, don't you?

BRITT:

Huh? Ah, yes.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS ... BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS START OFF

BRITT:

Sure. Oh. Well, so long.

OTIS:

So long, Britt. And may the best woman win.

SOUND:

DOOR CLOSES

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

NOCTURNAL BACKGROUND (CRICKETS, DISTANT DOG BARKING, ET CETERA) ... FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, THEN OUT BEHIND--

KERMIT:

(CALLS GENTLY) Britt? Oh, Britt?

BRITT:

Oh. Oh, hello, Kermit. You're up pretty late, aren't you?

KERMIT:

Yeah. Yeah. I've been lookin' for you.

BRITT:

For me? Oh?

KERMIT:

Yes. Well, Britt, I think this quarrel between Thelma and Bessie, and between Rome and me, and all the rest of it-- Well, I think it's gone entirely too far.

BRITT:

You do? Well, I'm glad to hear you say so.

KERMIT:

But! -- if Bessie and Rome won't come to their senses-- Well, they've just got to be taught a lesson. Maybe Thelma's right. Maybe the fair tomorrow is the place to do it.

BRITT:

What?

KERMIT:

Well, at least everybody will be there to see Bessie when she gets her comeuppance. That is, if Thelma's strawberry preserves were to-- Well, what I'm gettin' at is this. Now, Thelma's just got to win, Britt. If she don't, my life will just be miserable. And Thelma's got a real knack for makin' me miserable.

MUSIC:

ACCENT ... TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

SOUND:

BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS TO HOTEL ROOM DOOR, WHICH OPENS

ROME:

(SLIGHTLY OFF) Uh, hello, Britt.

BRITT:

Well-- Oh. Oh, hello, Rome.

SOUND:

HOTEL ROOM DOOR CLOSES

ROME:

Hope you don't mind my waitin' here in your room, but - but I just had to see you. Bessie sent me.

MUSIC:

UP, TO FILL A PAUSE ... THEN IN BG

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Well, it was the same thing [all] over again from Rome. Except that he was a little more forceful than Kermit. Well, after he'd gone I tried to get some sleep. But all night long I just kept dreamin' about strawberry preserves -- jars and jars of strawberry preserves.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR NIGHTMARE ... THEN OUT

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Well, anyway, I finally woke up. It was after seven o'clock, nearly three hours after my usual gettin'-up time. Somehow I didn't feel very rested, either. I got dressed and I stopped off at Gravy Gibson's café for some breakfast. Not that I could eat very much. Then I started off in the direction of the schoolhouse. The judging was already underway when I got there.

SOUND:

CROWD NOISE, WHICH CONTINUES IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--

OTIS:

(TO CROWD) And, uh, second prize goes to Mrs. Hal Speidel for her devil's food cake.

SOUND:

CROWD APPLAUDS

OTIS:

Honorable mention to Mrs. Johnny Seals for her chocolate layer.

SOUND:

CROWD APPLAUDS

OTIS:

Honorable mention to Miss Addy Simpson for her sponge.

SOUND:

CROWD APPLAUDS

OTIS:

Now, let's see, the next item is, uh-- Oh yes, yes, preserves, preserves.

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS WITH INTEREST

OTIS:

Uh, I don't see-- Oh, there he is. All right, right up here, Britt. Right up here. (CHUCKLES) There he is.

SOUND:

BRITT'S FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD

BRITT:

(PUSHING THRU CROWD) Excuse me. Beg your pardon.

OTIS:

Well, folks, I guess you all know Britt Ponset.

SOUND:

CROWD APPLAUDS

OTIS:

(LAUGHS) Well, Britt has been kind enough to volunteer his services in judging the preserves. (PLAYING DUMB) Now, let's see, I believe there are, uh-- Well, only two entries. Well, yeah, that's right. Two. They're both strawberry. Quite a coincidence!

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS

OTIS:

(CHUCKLES) Yes. Well, the first entry -- first entry is submitted by Mrs. Bessie Madden.

SOUND:

ABOUT HALF THE CROWD APPLAUDS

OTIS:

Bessie Madden. And, uh, the second entry comes from, uh, Mrs. Thelma Bingham.

SOUND:

OTHER HALF OF CROWD APPLAUDS

OTIS:

Now, I'll just unscrew the caps on these -- (WITH EFFORT) -- jars. Goodness gracious. Mrs. Madden doesn't know her own-- Whoop!

SOUND:

JAR LID OPENS ... METAL LID RATTLES AROUND ON WOOD

OTIS:

Oh, there we are. Well, you can just use the spoon there on the table, Britt; it's clean. (CHUCKLES) All right, if you're ready. Here's the first jar. Mrs. Bessie Madden's.

BRITT:

Ah. Thanks, Otis. I'll just--

OTIS:

Britt! Be careful.

SOUND:

CRASH AND TINKLE AS GLASS JAR BREAKS ... CROWD REACTS IN SURPRISE AND DISMAY

BRITT:

Ohhh. Golly, I don't know how that happened, Otis. I thought I had a good firm grip on it. I-- Well, I sure am sorry.

OTIS:

(LOW) I'll bet you are. (TO ALL) Well, folks, I-- Seems we had a little accident up here. Mrs. Madden's preserves are kind of divided between the floor and Britt's trousers. Why, I just don't know what we can do under the circumstances. Looks like, uh-- Yeah. We'll have to rule that there's only one entry available for tasting and--

BESSIE:

(OFF) You'll just rule no such thing, Otis Spears! I've got another jar of my preserves right out in the hall!

BRITT:

(UNHAPPY) Oh? Another jar?

BESSIE:

Brought it along figurin' there might be a slip-up somewheres. I'll be right back.

SOUND:

BESSIE'S FOOTSTEPS MOVE OFF

OTIS:

(UNEASY) Well, that, uh, that was sure far-sighted of Bessie, wasn't it, folks?

SOUND:

HALF OF CROWD APPLAUDS ... THEN GROWS QUIET BEHIND--

OTIS:

Well, while we're waiting, Britt can go ahead and taste Mrs. Bingham's jar. Here you are, Britt. (POINTEDLY) I'll hold it for you. Just spoon right in.

BRITT:

Well-- (BEAT, CHEWS HEAVILY) Uh huh.

SOUND:

BESSIE'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

BESSIE:

(APPROACHES) Here now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd see that nothing happens to this one, Otis.

OTIS:

Don't worry, Bessie. Don't you worry.

SOUND:

CROWD STIRS ... THEN GROWS QUIET AS JAR LID OPENS

OTIS:

Ah, there. Yeah, that one come off a little easier. All right, Britt, these are Mrs. Madden's. Go right ahead.

SOUND:

CROWD STIRS ... THEN GROWS QUIET BEHIND--

BRITT:

Well-- Yeah-- (BEAT, CHEWS HEAVILY) Uh huh.

OTIS:

(BEAT, EXPECTANT) Well? You had enough?

BRITT:

Yeah. Yeah. I - I've had enough.

SOUND:

CROWD MURMURS EXPECTANTLY ... THEN GROWS QUIET BEHIND--

OTIS:

All right, folks, all right. Quiet down, quiet down. Britt Ponset is ready to announce his decision.

BRITT:

Well, ah-- (CLEARS THROAT) It's my opinion that I -- I, ah-- I want to be sure of one thing, first. Now, now, I understand that my job is to say whose preserves taste the best. Is that right? I'm supposed to pick the best tastin' strawberry preserves in the whole county, is that right, Otis?

OTIS:

That's right, Britt, that's right.

BRITT:

Yeah. All right then. Now these preserves of Mrs. Madden's, they're very good. I-- Now, you might say they're excellent.

SOUND:

HALF THE CROWD APPLAUDS

BRITT:

But I've - I've had better.

SOUND:

HALF THE CROWD REACTS WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

BRITT:

Now, there's no doubt about it, I've tasted better. And right here this morning, too, right here in Tower Rock.

SOUND:

HALF THE CROWD MURMURS EXPECTANTLY

BRITT:

Now, now, Mrs. Bingham's preserves here-- Now, they're - they're good. No. No, they're more than good. They're excellent, too.

SOUND:

HALF THE CROWD IS PLEASED

BRITT:

But they're not the best.

SOUND:

CROWD GETS A BIT HOSTILE ("What do you mean?" ET CETERA) ... QUIETS BEHIND--

BRITT:

Now, now, ladies and gentlemen! To me, the best tastin' strawberry preserves in Foster County are the ones I ate this morning at Gravy Gibson's lunch room.

SOUND:

INDIGNANT CROWD GETS MORE HOSTILE ... CONTINUES IN BG

BRITT:

No. I - I - I'm awardin' the blue ribbon to Gravy Gibson. Now, you - you see that he gets it, will you, Otis?

OTIS:

You can't do this, Britt! Gravy Gibson wasn't even entered!

BRITT:

You told me you wanted me to pick the best tastin' preserves in the county and that's what I done.

THELMA:

(APPROACHES) Why, the very idea! Comparing our preserves to the kind of thing Gravy Gibson serves up!

BESSIE:

It's an outrage! I've never been so insulted in all my whole life!

KERMIT:

Now, you see here, Britt Ponset--!

ROME:

If you think you can get away with this--!

THELMA:

Why--! Why, for ten years, Bessie's preserves have been winnin' blue ribbons!

BESSIE:

And Thelma used the same recipe I did! Our mother's recipe -- and nobody's ever had a finer recipe for strawberry preserves than Minnie Whitford!

THELMA:

That's right!

BRITT:

Now, just a minute--

THELMA:

Don't you "just a minute" us!

BESSIE:

No, sir! Why, half the time, you can't even eat Gravy Gibson's food!

THELMA:

Why, everybody knows that!

BESSIE:

Of course! Well, this is the last county fair I'm ever going to enter, Otis Spears!

THELMA:

And that goes for me, too! Bessie?! Come on, let's get out of here!

BESSIE:

The sooner, the better.

THELMA:

Well, don't just stand there, Kermit. Can't you see we're leavin'?

KERMIT:

(STARTLED) Yes, dear. Yes.

BESSIE:

(MOVING OFF) Rome! Come along!

ROME:

(MEEKLY, MOVING OFF) Yes, Bessie.

SOUND:

THEIR FOOTSTEPS MOVE OFF ... PAUSE, AS CROWD MURMURS IN BG

OTIS:

(ASTONISHED) Why-- Why, did you see that, Britt? They went off together. All four of them. Together.

BRITT:

Yeah. Yeah. That's how it looked, all right.

OTIS:

Well, if that don't beat the dust. (LAUGHS) You got 'em so mad at you, they all went off together. (LAUGHS) I might have knowed you was up to something.

BRITT:

Hmm? I don't know what you're talking about, Otis. I was just giving my considered opinion about strawberry preserves.

MUSIC:

TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND BRITT--

BRITT:

(NARRATES) Ya know, (CHUCKLES) the funny thing about it was-- It's true what I said. The preserves I'd had on my breakfast toast over at Gravy Gibson's did taste better than Thelma's or Bessie's. Of course, the fact of the matter was, I really couldn't taste their preserves at all. I just burned the daylights out of my tongue drinkin' Gravy's coffee. Ohh. Couldn't taste a thing afterwards. Boy, that was miserable coffee. If I ever-- Gravy sure is a terrible cook.

MUSIC:

UP, FOR CURTAIN ...