ANNOUNCER:
The Kraft Foods Company presents Willard Waterman as the Great Gildersleeve!
SOUND:
APPLAUSE
MUSIC:
THEME ... OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--
ANNOUNCER:
"The Great Gildersleeve" is brought to you, partially transcribed, by the Kraft Foods Company. Are you using the new salad and cooking oil that was perfected in Salad Dressing Headquarters? It's Kraft Oil, the most wonderful oil ever created for homemade salad dressings, for fine baking, and for frying. An exclusive Kraft process gives Kraft Oil a lighter body and that's why it's different from ordinary oils. Kraft Oil blends faster and better with the other ingredients any recipe calls for. Get a bottle of lighter-bodied Kraft Oil when you're shopping tomorrow.
MUSIC:
GENTLE INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--
ANNOUNCER:
Well, for a number of years now, the Great Gildersleeve has enjoyed his position as City Water Commissioner. It carries a certain dignity and wields a certain influence. All in all, it's a happy situation and the Great Gildersleeve will go to great lengths to preserve it.
LEROY:
Hey, Unc! Why did you want me down here at the office this afternoon?
GILDY:
Leroy, there's a lot to be done. The mayor said he'd be in before closing time and we want to be on the ball.
LEROY:
I don't get it.
GILDY:
It looks good to have a relative working in the office who isn't on the payroll.
LEROY:
Gosh, I could be out playin' basketball.
GILDY:
You can do this for your old uncle. The mayor likes to see a busy office.
LEROY:
What do I do?
GILDY:
You can stuff the water bills in the envelopes. And lick the stamps.
LEROY:
Before dinner?! ...
GILDY:
Leroy, use a sponge.
LEROY:
Okay. Right after I type a letter to our dog.
GILDY:
(ABSENTLY) Yes, yes.
SOUND:
PAPER ROLLED INTO TYPEWRITER
LEROY:
You know, Unc, we oughta name that dog. I'm writin' him a letter and I don't even know who to send it to.
GILDY:
If you have anything to tell the dog, phone him. I wouldn't want the mayor to come in and catch you wasting water department stationary on a Great Dane.
LEROY:
I'll just write one page.
SOUND:
SLOW HUNT-AND-PECK ON TYPEWRITER KEYS BEHIND--
LEROY:
(SLOWLY) Dear -- Dog --
GILDY:
Leroy, cut out the monkeyshines.
LEROY:
This is dog shines....
GILDY:
Well, get that outta the typewriter. I don't want the mayor to see it.
LEROY:
Okay.
SOUND:
PAPER ROLLED OUT OF TYPEWRITER
LEROY:
Unc, why are you so afraid of the mayor?
GILDY:
I'm not afraid of him. I respect him. He's my boss.
LEROY:
And he can cut off your water, huh? ...
GILDY:
Young man, I'm the one who cuts off the water around here. I mind my business; he minds his. Why, the mayor wouldn't dare to-- (SOUND: OFFICE DOOR OPENS) --helloooo, Mr. Mayor!
SOUND:
MAYOR'S STEPS IN
MAYOR:
Hello, Gildersleeve!
GILDY:
Er, Mayor Terwilliger, you know my nephew Leroy.
MAYOR:
Oh, yes. Hello, Leroy.
LEROY:
Hi.
MAYOR:
Having fun playing with the city typewriter?
LEROY:
Yeah.
GILDY:
Er, Leroy's just down here helping me, Mr. Mayor. Heh! Lots to do, you know.
MAYOR:
Oh?
GILDY:
He's sending out statements to the customers.
SOUND:
MAYOR STOOPS AND PICKS UP A PIECE OF PAPER
MAYOR:
Is this one here? (READS) "Dear dog--"
GILDY:
(CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY)
MAYOR:
Well! ... Gildersleeve, I knew the water department had a lot of new consumers, but I didn't know we had any dogs on the books.
GILDY:
I'm sorry, Mr. Mayor. Leroy was just writing a note to our Great Dane.
MAYOR:
Oh. Er, Gildersleeve, you've never been to my house, have you?
GILDY:
No, I haven't. I've driven past it, but I've never gotten inside.
MAYOR:
Well, I'd like to have you come over next Saturday night.
GILDY:
Me?!
MAYOR:
I'm giving a Valentine Day's party to a very select group.
GILDY:
(DELIGHTED) Oh!
MAYOR:
Besides our friends, Mrs. Terwilliger and I always invite a city official.
GILDY:
(PLEASED) Well!
MAYOR:
This year it's your turn.
GILDY:
Thank you, Your Honor.
MAYOR:
You may bring somebody if you wish.
LEROY:
How 'bout me, Unc?!
GILDY:
Leroy, he means bring a girl. Er, a lady. Don't you, Mr. Mayor?
MAYOR:
Naturally.
GILDY:
Shall I dress?
MAYOR:
Black tie.
LEROY:
Black tie?! Is that all you're gonna wear?! ...
GILDY:
(EXASPERATED) Leroy!
MUSIC:
BRIDGE
SOUND:
TRAFFIC BACKGROUND ... GILDY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK, THEN IN BG
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) Imagine being invited to the mayor's. By George, Gildersleeve, you're getting up in the world. Heh! I think I'll drop in and tell Peavey about this.
SOUND:
SHOP DOOR OPENS ... ELECTRIC BELL CHIMES ... DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT TRAFFIC ... GILDY'S STEPS IN
GILDY:
Hello, Peavey!
PEAVEY:
Well, hello, Mr. Gildersleeve. ... What can I do for you today?
GILDY:
Peavey, I just had a long talk with the mayor.
PEAVEY:
Called you on the carpet, did he?
GILDY:
Not at all. As a matter of fact he wants the water commissioner to come to his home.
PEAVEY:
Something wrong with the plumbing? ...
GILDY:
Peavey, stop it. He invited me to a Valentine party.
PEAVEY:
Valentine? My, my.
GILDY:
Gonna be quite an affair, Peavey. Lot of important people will be there. And only one city official. Me!
PEAVEY:
You don't say?
GILDY:
Yeah. The mayor says I can bring anybody I want. Of course, that presents a problem.
PEAVEY:
Nobody wants to go with you. ...
GILDY:
Anybody would jump at the opportunity to go. But I don't know whether to ask Grace Tuttle or Leila Ransom.
PEAVEY:
Well, that is quite a decision to make.
GILDY:
Peavey, whom would you take?
PEAVEY:
(UNHAPPY) I'd take Mrs. Peavey; I'd have to. ...
GILDY:
Oh, my goodness. Put yourself in my shoes.
PEAVEY:
Very well.
GILDY:
Now you've worked for the mayor for eleven years and he's never invited you to one of his parties.
PEAVEY:
Stuffed shirt. ...
GILDY:
But at last he invites ya. Who would you take?
PEAVEY:
I'd take a baseball bat and hit him right across the chops. ...
GILDY:
Peavey, I'm serious.
PEAVEY:
So am I, the stuck-up little pouter pigeon. ...
GILDY:
Oh, for--! Will you lay off the mayor and help me with my problem?
PEAVEY:
Well, seriously, Mr. Gildersleeve, I - I'd find it difficult to choose between Mrs. Ransom and Miss Tuttle.
GILDY:
They're both very attractive.
PEAVEY:
Yes, indeed.
GILDY:
They both dress well. They're both good dancers.
PEAVEY:
I'm sure they are.
GILDY:
Of course, Grace is more reserved.
PEAVEY:
Mm, yes.
GILDY:
While Leila is more the sentimental and romantic type.
PEAVEY:
I'm here to tell ya. ...
GILDY:
You know how she comes in here, chucks you under the chin and says, (MIMICS LEILA'S SOUTHERN DRAWL) "Hello, Mr. Peavey, you cute little ol' mannnnn, you"? ...
PEAVEY:
Mr. Gildersleeve, if I were you, I'd say tut-tut to Tuttle and run for Ransom. ...
MUSIC:
BRIDGE
SOUND:
FRONT DOOR OPENS ... GILDY'S STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES
GILDY:
Hello, Leroy.
LEROY:
Hi, Unc!
BIRDIE:
(OFF) That you, Mr. Gildersleeve?!
GILDY:
Yes, Birdie!
BIRDIE:
(APPROACHES) If I'd known you was comin' home so soon, I'd have rolled out the red carpet.
GILDY:
What's this?
BIRDIE:
Leroy told me about you gettin' invited to the mayor's.
GILDY:
(MODESTLY) Well--
BIRDIE:
(PLEASED FOR HIM) Yes, sir! The Water Commissioner's gonna make a big splash!
GILDY:
Yeah. I guess I'd better phone and rent that same tuxedo I had New Year's Eve.
BIRDIE:
Yes, sir. If it's a big party, you'd better phone before all the "stylish stouts" are gone.
GILDY:
Yeah, but first I have to decide about my date. I'm weighing Miss Tuttle and Mrs. Ransom carefully.
LEROY:
How much do they weigh? ...
GILDY:
Leroy, I'm trying to decide which one I should take to the party.
BIRDIE:
Well, you can't go wrong with either one.
GILDY:
Yeah, that's true, Birdie. I think Leila might be a little more fun.
BIRDIE:
That Miz Ransom can sure liven up a party.
GILDY:
Mm, she has a lot of spirit.
BIRDIE:
Hee hee! Remember the going-away party you gave her and she saved it by dancin' the Charleston?
GILDY:
Now, Birdie, I wouldn't say she saved it. She certainly made it interesting.
BIRDIE:
Yes, sir.
GILDY:
You know, Leila might be a little too lively for the mayor and his wife.
LEROY:
I don't know, the mayor hires some pretty snazzy-lookin' secretaries.
GILDY:
That's business, Leroy.
LEROY:
Hah! ...
GILDY:
Well, it is. The mayor is strictly business. And, looking at it from all angles, Miss Tuttle might be the one to take to the mayor's party. What do you think, Birdie?
BIRDIE:
Mr. Gildersleeve, you can't miss if you just shut your eyes and grab.
GILDY:
This is no grab bag, Birdie. I think I'll call Grace right now.
BIRDIE:
Yes, sir.
SOUND:
GILDY'S STEPS TO PHONE BEHIND--
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) It won't hurt to take a levelheaded girl. Show the mayor I have my feet on the ground.
SOUND:
RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) Far as Leila's concerned, she doesn't even have to know I'm going to the party.
SOUND:
PHONE RINGS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE) AND CONNECTS ... GRACE'S VOICE ON FILTER
GRACE:
Hello?
GILDY:
Grace?! This is Throckmorton.
GRACE:
Oh, yes, Throckmorton.
GILDY:
I don't suppose anybody's asked you to a Valentine's party.
GRACE:
(SLIGHTLY WOUNDED) Just how do you mean that?
GILDY:
Er, what I mean is, if you're not busy Saturday evening-- Are you?
GRACE:
(LIGHTLY) Well, a long line is already forming in front of my door, but what do you have in mind? Perhaps I can move you up.
GILDY:
Well, the mayor has honored me with an invitation to his home, and I'd like to have you go with me.
GRACE:
That's wonderful, Throckmorton. I'd love to. You're very sweet to think of me.
GILDY:
Well, I've given it a lot of thought.
GRACE:
It's formal, I hope.
GILDY:
Oh, yes, indeed. Very.
GRACE:
I'm just dying to wear an evening dress again.
GILDY:
Yeah, I like to wear them, too. A tuxedo, I mean! ... What say I pick you up around seven Saturday?
GRACE:
I'll be ready. Oh, this is so exciting!
GILDY:
I'm glad you're looking forward to it. Goodbye, Grace.
GRACE:
Goodbye, Throckmorton.
SOUND:
RECEIVER DOWN
LEROY:
You all set with Miss Tuttle, Unc?
GILDY:
Yup! Glad I called her. Being a school teacher, she'll fit right in with the tony people the mayor will invite. She has dignity, poise, charm--
LEROY:
Yeah, and if the party starts dyin' you can send for Mrs. Ransom to come do the Charleston! ...
GILDY:
(QUIETLY EXASPERATED) Leroy!
MUSIC:
BRIDGE
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) By George, I've got a lot of work to do today. Before I clear the desk, I think I'll see what's in the morning paper.
SOUND:
PAPER UNFOLDED
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) Well! Here's a big announcement of the mayor's party. (READS) "Summerfield's elite anticipating Mayor Terwilliger's dinner dance." Say, this is a pretty important shindig; gets a write-up before it happens. Yeah, let's see. They haven't listed the guests.
SOUND:
OFFICE DOOR OPENS, OFF
LEILA:
(OFF) Throckmorton?
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) Uh oh. It's Leila.
LEILA:
(OFF) Throckmorton, are you in there?
GILDY:
(CALLS SWEETLY) Come in, Leila!
SOUND:
OFFICE DOOR CLOSES, OFF ... LEILA'S STEPS APPROACH
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) I wonder if she read about the party and came down here for a reason.
LEILA:
(APPROACHES, SUGARY SWEET) Good mornin', Throckmorton!
GILDY:
(GIDDY) Hello, Leila. ... Aren't you out a little early this morning?
LEILA:
Well, I had some shopping to do.
GILDY:
Ah, but the stores aren't open.
LEILA:
Well, I know you won't mind if I wait here until they are.
GILDY:
Oh, no. Delighted to see you. Sit down.
SOUND:
LEILA SITS BEHIND--
LEILA:
Ahhhhhh, thank you. I see you're readin' the mornin' paper.
GILDY:
Paper?
LEILA:
I read it hours ago.
GILDY:
Oh.
LEILA:
I suppose you noticed the mayor's giving a party Saturday night.
GILDY:
Oh, he is?
LEILA:
Oh, it's right there under your nose. "Summerfield's elite anticipating Mayor Terwilliger's dinner dance."
GILDY:
Well, well, well! So the mayor's giving a party. How about that?
LEILA:
You sound like it's news to you.
GILDY:
(EVASIVE) Well, that's why they print newspapers. News!
LEILA:
Throckmorton, aren't you invited?
GILDY:
It's a strange thing, Leila. I've never been to the mayor's house.
LEILA:
Are you goin' this time?
GILDY:
Long as I've worked for the mayor I've never been in his house. ...
LEILA:
Are you invited?
GILDY:
Eleven years, I've never once been in his house. ...
LEILA:
Throckmorton, are you goin' to his party?
GILDY:
(DESPERATELY) The mayor has a party every year and I've never been there!
LEILA:
Throckmorton-- ... Did he invite you to the party Saturday night? Answer yes or no.
GILDY:
(UNEASY) Er, well, Leila--
LEILA:
Oh, I shouldn't have asked you that. I'm sorry, Throckmorton. I should know if you're going to Mayor Terwilliger's party you'd have asked me long ago.
GILDY:
(CHUCKLES UNEASILY) ...
LEILA:
After all, it's a Valentine party. (SOUND: LEILA'S STEPS TO GILDY) (SEDUCTIVE) Throckmorton--?
GILDY:
(UNEASY) Now, Leila, perhaps you shouldn't sit on the arm of my chair. This is a business office.
LEILA:
(VERY SEDUCTIVE) Throckmorton--?
GILDY:
(GIDDY) Yes, Leila--? ...
LEILA:
(EXTREMELY SEDUCTIVE) Am I your Valentine?
GILDY:
Well--
SOUND:
MAYOR'S STEPS APPROACH QUICKLY
MAYOR:
(APPROACHES) Gildersleeve! (SURPRISED) Oh!
GILDY:
(STARTLED) Oh! Mr. Mayor!
MAYOR:
Yes, I, er-- I hope I'm not interrupting the flow of business in the water department.
GILDY:
No! No, not at all! I was just chatting with a - a friend of mine.
MAYOR:
Oh.
GILDY:
(BUSINESSLIKE, TO LEILA) Well, glad you dropped in, Mrs. Ransom.
LEILA:
Why, Throckmorton, aren't you going to introduce me to His Honor?
GILDY:
Oh! Yes. Excuse me. Heh! Er, Mayor Terwilliger, allow me to present Mrs. Leila Ransom.
MAYOR:
How do you do, Mrs. Ransom?
LEILA:
(LAYING ON THE CHARM) Oh, Mr. Mayor, I'm delighted to meet you.
MAYOR:
Thank you. Now, Gildersleeve, about these new water mains--
LEILA:
Why, I've seen your picture in the paper countless times.
MAYOR:
(CHUCKLES) Naturally. As I was about to say, Gildersleeve--
LEILA:
And now that I see you in person, your pictures don't do you justice.
MAYOR:
Oh?
LEILA:
You look so young -- for a mayor.
MAYOR:
(GIDDY) Oh-- Oh, well-- (CLEARS THROAT, CHUCKLES)
GILDY:
You were speaking about the water mains, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR:
(SHARPLY) Gildersleeve, you're interrupting the lady! ...
GILDY:
Oh. Sorry.
LEILA:
Well, I'm the one who's interruptin' your business, but I hope you don't mind a gal tellin' you how distinguished you look, Your Honor.
MAYOR:
And if you don't mind, permit me to say, Commissioner Gildersleeve has a very charming friend. (CHUCKLES AT LENGTH)
LEILA:
(OVER-THE-TOP DELIGHT) Oh, Mr. Mayor!
GILDY:
(LOW, ASIDE) Oh, brother. ...
LEILA:
Well, I really must be skippin' along. I never did believe a woman should just drop into an office and take up a man's time, even if Throckmorton is my best beau.
MAYOR:
So that's how it is, eh, Gildersleeve?
GILDY:
(SHRUGS IT OFF) Well, I've known Leila for quite a while, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR:
Wonderful! I suppose we'll be seeing you at my party tomorrow night, Mrs. Ransom.
LEILA:
Why, Mr. Mayor, I'd be just tickled to death!
GILDY:
(ASIDE) I'm not tickled, but I'm dead. ...
MUSIC:
FIRST ACT CURTAIN
SOUND:
APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER:
"The Great Gildersleeve" will return in just a moment. If your family is fond of cookies, better listen while I tell you about a special recipe from the Kraft kitchens that makes just about the tastiest cookies that ever filled a cookie jar. They're called oatmeal chewies and besides being economical, they're wonderfully easy. The shortening you use is Kraft Oil, the liquid shortening created by Kraft. An exclusive Superfining process gives Kraft Oil a lighter body, so it blends faster and better when you mix it with other ingredients. To make oatmeal chewies, combine two cups quick-cooking oatmeal, one cup brown sugar, with one half cup of easy-to- measure Kraft Oil. Let this mixture stand at room temperature for an hour, then add a beaten egg, one half teaspoon salt, one half teaspoon vanilla, and one half cup coconut. After mixing well, place level tablespoons of the dough on cookie sheets that have been oiled with Kraft Oil. Bake in a moderate oven for twelve to fifteen minutes or until lightly browned. Remove immediately from the cookie sheets and you'll have three dozen of the grandest cookies you've ever made. For a copy of Kraft Oil's delicious recipe for oatmeal chewies, write Kraft Kitchens, Kraft Foods Company, Chicago 90, Illinois. Kraft Kitchens, Kraft Foods Company, Chicago 90, Illinois. And tomorrow be sure to get a bottle of Kraft Oil, the most wonderful oil ever created for baking, frying, and salad dressings. Lighter-bodied Kraft Oil.
MUSIC:
BRIDGE ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--
ANNOUNCER:
Well, it seems something always comes along to upset the Great Gildersleeve's apple cart. If something doesn't come along, he manages to upset it himself.
LEROY:
Unc, how did you happen to invite two girls to the same party?
GILDY:
Leroy, I didn't invite both of them. I invited Miss Tuttle. Didn't I, Birdie?
BIRDIE:
All I know is, I saw Miss Ransom in the market and she said you was taking her.
GILDY:
Well, the mayor put me on the spot. The minute I introduced him to Leila, he assumed she was going to the party with me.
LEROY:
Why didn't ya just tell the mayor you already had a date?
GILDY:
Leroy, it's not too easy to say you have another date in front of Leila.
BIRDIE:
(LAUGHS) She's countin' big on goin', all right.
GILDY:
Yeah.
BIRDIE:
She was tellin' me in the market what she's gonna wear.
GILDY:
Oh?
BIRDIE:
Miss Ransom said she was wearing the same outfit that knocked 'em dead last year at the Mardi Gras.
LEROY:
Where's that?
GILDY:
Leroy, that's a big blowout in New Orleans every year.
LEROY:
Yeah?
GILDY:
What did she wear, Birdie?
BIRDIE:
Black lace over peach-colored satin!
LEROY:
(WOLF WHISTLE)
GILDY:
(QUIET EXASPERATION) Leroy!
LEROY:
(OBEDIENT) Okay.
GILDY:
Go on, Birdie.
BIRDIE:
That's it. Black lace over peach-colored satin, and peepin' over a black lace fan!
GILDY:
(CONCEDES RELUCTANTLY) Well, Leila always did know how to dress.
BIRDIE:
(SWEPT AWAY, ENTHUSIASTIC) When Miss Ransom glides in, I can see that party stop! She's gonna knock 'em dead peepin' over that black lace fan!
GILDY:
(HAS HEARD ENOUGH) Yeah, all right, Birdie.
BIRDIE:
Mist' Gildersleeve, you know what Miss Ransom's gonna do to that party?!
GILDY:
Yes.
BIRDIE:
That's right! She's gonna knock 'em dead peepin' over that black lace fan! (LAUGHS WILDLY AS SHE EXITS) ... [APPLAUSE FOR BIRDIE]
GILDY:
(MISERABLE) Well, there must be some way out of this.
LEROY:
Why don't you get smart and get out of town? ...
GILDY:
Don't be silly.
LEROY:
I got a good excuse for ya.
GILDY:
What is it?
LEROY:
Tell your girls our Great Dane is homesick and you have to take him back to Canada. ...
GILDY:
Don't be ridiculous. There's only one thing to do.
LEROY:
Yeah?
GILDY:
Just go over to Leila's and tell her the truth. Truth never hurt anybody.
LEROY:
Well, in case the girls don't know that, which hospital will you be in? ...
GILDY:
(QUIET EXASPERATION) Leroy!
MUSIC:
BRIDGE ... FOR GILDY MARCHING TO HIS DOOM
SOUND:
GILDY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... PICKS UP RHYTHM OF BRIDGE ... THEN BEHIND GILDY--
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) I should have done this in the first place. I'll just explain to Leila that I had a date with Grace all along. What can she do? (BEAT) I wonder what she will do. Well, I still say the truth never hurt anybody.
SOUND:
GILDY'S STEPS ONTO PORCH ... LEILA'S DOORBELL RINGS
GILDY:
(PUTTING HIMSELF IN A GOOD MOOD) Ah, nice quiet day. (SINGS WORDLESSLY TO HIMSELF)
SOUND:
DOOR OPENS
LEILA:
Why, Throckmorton!
GILDY:
Hello, Leila.
LEILA:
Why, I didn't expect to see you this afternoon.
GILDY:
Yeah, I want to talk to you - about something. May I come in?
LEILA:
For a minute. You're just in time to take me to the beauty parlor.
SOUND:
GILDY'S STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES
GILDY:
Well, before you spend the money, let me tell you why I came over.
LEILA:
What's happened, Throckmorton?
GILDY:
(HESITANT) Well-- Leila-- Leila, I can't take you to the mayor's party.
LEILA:
(UNHAPPY) Would you mind repeatin' that?
GILDY:
Yes, I would; it was hard enough to say the first time. ...
LEILA:
Well, why this change of heart, I'd like to know?
GILDY:
It's no change of heart. It's just that I never did ask you to go to the party.
LEILA:
Why, Throckmorton--!
GILDY:
When the mayor met you in the office, he just assumed I was bringing you. As a matter of fact, I had already made other plans.
LEILA:
(ICY) Who is she? ...
GILDY:
Not that I wouldn't just as soon take you, Leila -- or even rather.
LEILA:
(INSISTS) Who is she?
GILDY:
(RELUCTANT) Well, Leila, when I don't take you out, you know who I take out. Yeah, I mean--
LEILA:
(SWEETLY) Throckmorton, I think Grace Tuttle is a lovely girl.
GILDY:
(RELIEVED) Oh, I knew you'd understand.
LEILA:
Of course I do. (POINTEDLY) But I wonder if His Honor, Mayor Terwilliger, will.
GILDY:
Mayor Terwilliger?
LEILA:
Your boss.
GILDY:
Yeah, well--
LEILA:
He's expecting you to bring me to his party.
GILDY:
Well, I know he suggested it, but--
LEILA:
And if I were you, I'd consider that a command performance.
GILDY:
What? ...
LEILA:
What would the mayor say if he knew you were disobeying his orders and trying to push me out for some other girl?
GILDY:
But, Leila--
LEILA:
(EXTRAVAGANTLY) Oh, I'd hate to see you make a faux pas that might blight your entire career.
GILDY:
(REALIZES SHE'S RIGHT) Oop. (DECISIVE) Leila, we're just wasting our time talking.
LEILA:
Oh?
GILDY:
Come on. Let's get you to the beauty parlor.
MUSIC:
BRIDGE
SOUND:
GILDY'S STEPS TO GRACE'S DOOR BEHIND--
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) Well, there's only one thing left to do: break the date with Grace. I'll just tell her the truth.
SOUND:
GRACE'S DOORBELL RINGS
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) I'll explain that the mayor invited Leila and he's expecting me to bring her. I had nothing to do with it.
SOUND:
DOOR OPENS
GRACE:
Throckmorton!
GILDY:
Hello, Grace.
GRACE:
What a surprise! Won't you come in?
GILDY:
Thank you.
SOUND:
GILDY'S STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES
GRACE:
Let me take your hat.
GILDY:
No, thanks, I'll just hold it. ... Er, Grace, I don't imagine the mayor's party means too much to you. You have your good books and all.
GRACE:
Well, I'm certainly looking forward to going.
GILDY:
Grace, I must be honest with you. I'm sorry, but I can't take you.
GRACE:
Oh?
GILDY:
I thought it best to come and put my cards on the table.
GRACE:
(DRY) You don't have one up your sleeve, do you? ...
GILDY:
Grace! You know me better than that.
GRACE:
(UNHAPPY) Go on, Throckmorton. You're dealing.
GILDY:
Well, it just happens that the mayor made arrangements for me to bring somebody else to his party. Yeah, I had nothing to do with it.
GRACE:
I understand how those things can happen; that's all right.
GILDY:
At least you had the fun of planning to go.
GRACE:
(HEAVY IRONY) Oh, it's just been ducky. ...
GILDY:
I, er, hope this hasn't put you out too much.
GRACE:
Oh, not at all. Of course, I spent my next six months' salary for a party dress, but that's all right.
GILDY:
You--? Well, maybe they'll take it back.
GRACE:
If they don't and worst comes to worst, I can always eat it. ... Looks like ice cream anyway.
GILDY:
Grace, I'm sorry about this. I wouldn't have had it happen for the world.
GRACE:
Forget it, Throckmorton.
GILDY:
(RELIEVED) Oh, Grace, you're a brick.
GRACE:
I suspect I'm a little batty, too. ...
GILDY:
Well, goodbye.
SOUND:
DOOR OPENS AS GILDY PREPARES TO EXIT
GRACE:
Um, Throckmorton--?
GILDY:
Yes?
GRACE:
Forgive me for being a bit curious, but is the girl you're taking a relative of the mayor?
GILDY:
A relative? Oh, no.
GRACE:
Just a friend of the family, I suppose.
GILDY:
Well, he just met her. Yeah, I mean--
GRACE:
Yes--?
GILDY:
Oh, what the heck, you'll find it out anyway. It's Leila.
GRACE:
(SOURLY) Oh. "Handsome Ransom" again. ...
GILDY:
She was in my office the other day when the mayor came in.
GRACE:
Does she make a practice of visiting your office?
GILDY:
No, no. She just happened in and the mayor assumed I was taking her to the party.
GRACE:
Why?
GILDY:
Well, he thought she was my girlfriend.
GRACE:
Oh, this was after you asked me to go?
GILDY:
Well, yes.
GRACE:
Why didn't you lay your cards on their table? ...
GILDY:
Well--
GRACE:
(DECISIVE) Throckmorton, I'm going to trump your ace.
GILDY:
What?
GRACE:
You're taking me to that party.
GILDY:
(GROANS) Ohhhhhhh-- ...
MUSIC:
BRIDGE ... ANOTHER MARCH OF DOOM
SOUND:
CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND ... GILDY'S STEPS ON SIDEWALK ... THEN BEHIND--
GILDY:
(TO HIMSELF) Well, in thirty minutes, I'm due at Leila's. And the terrible thing is, I'm also due at Grace's. ... What a nightmare this night's going to be. Guess I'll stop in Peavey's for a cigar. At the rate I'm smoking, I'd better make it a box.
SOUND:
SHOP DOOR OPENS ... ELECTRIC BELL CHIMES ... DOOR CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT TRAFFIC ... GILDY'S STEPS IN
GILDY:
Hello, Peavey.
PEAVEY:
Oh, hello, Mr. Gildersleeve. What can I do for you this evening?
GILDY:
More cigars, Peavey.
PEAVEY:
Very well. (SOUND: FETCHES CIGARS) Mm, you cut quite a figure in that tux.
GILDY:
(UNHAPPY) Yeah.
PEAVEY:
Which young lady did you invite to the mayor's party?
GILDY:
Both of them.
PEAVEY:
How's that? ...
GILDY:
I invited Grace and then the mayor saw me with Leila and suggested I bring her. What could I do?
PEAVEY:
Well, it's a little late to talk about what you could have done. The point is, what are you going to do? ...
GILDY:
Peavey, this is the worst predicament I've ever been in.
PEAVEY:
You don't say?
GILDY:
I explained the situation to both girls, but neither one would let me off the hook.
PEAVEY:
(CHUCKLES) Big fish like you should be able to get off the hook. ...
GILDY:
All right, Peavey. Give me a strong Coke.
PEAVEY:
Very well.
GILDY:
If I could just think of some good reason for not even showing up. Like
an emergency in the water department.
SOUND:
WHOOSH! AND FIZZLE! OF SODA FOUNTAIN
GILDY:
(INSPIRED) Hey, Peavey! Do that again.
PEAVEY:
(PUZZLED) You want two Cokes?
GILDY:
No! Turn on that carbonated water. I want to hear it fizzle.
PEAVEY:
Well, if it amuses you.
SOUND:
WHOOSH! AND FIZZLE! OF SODA FOUNTAIN
GILDY:
By George, that water gives me an idea!
PEAVEY:
You're going to jump in the reservoir. ...
GILDY:
No! I have a bold plan. I'm going to create an emergency right here in your drugstore.
PEAVEY:
Now - now wait a minute, Mr. Gildersleeve--
GILDY:
I'll turn on all the faucets behind your fountain, bang on the pipes with a hammer, and then get the mayor on the phone!
PEAVEY:
My, my.
GILDY:
He'll hear the water running and I'll tell him I can't come to his party because I'm taking care of an emergency! By George, this is the best idea I ever had!
PEAVEY:
Well, now, I wouldn't say that. ... What if the mayor finds out?
GILDY:
Er, stand aside, Peavey. I'll turn on the faucets and get on the phone.
PEAVEY:
Mr. Gildersleeve, you're making a mistake.
SOUND:
FAUCETS TURNED ON ... WHOOSH! AND FIZZLE! OF WATER ... CONTINUES IN BG
GILDY:
There! Doesn't that sound like a broken water main?
PEAVEY:
It sounds like trouble, all right.
GILDY:
Now I'll call the mayor.
SOUND:
RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED
GILDY:
This'll get me out of the dates and the mayor will respect me for staying on the job! (INTO PHONE) Hello? Is Mayor Terwilliger there? He isn't? Oh, hello, Mrs. Terwilliger. This is Water Commissioner Gildersleeve.
SOUND:
SHOP DOOR OPENS ... ELECTRIC BELL CHIMES ... DOOR CLOSES
PEAVEY:
(HUSHED) Psst! Mr. Gildersleeve!
GILDY:
(INTO PHONE) Mrs. Terwilliger, when the mayor comes home, tell him I won't be able to come to the party.
MAYOR:
Good evening, Peavey.
GILDY:
(INTO PHONE) I have to stay on duty.
MAYOR:
What's going on? Why is all the water running?
PEAVEY:
Er, well--
GILDY:
(INTO PHONE) There's a big emergency at the water department, Mrs. Terwilliger. You can hear me at work.
SOUND:
CLANG! CLANG! AS GILDY BANGS UTENSILS ON PIPES ... THEN IN BG
MAYOR:
(SHOCKED) I can't believe my eyes.
GILDY:
(INTO PHONE) Yeah, that's right, Mrs. Terwilliger. So if you'll express my regrets to the mayor--
SOUND:
CLANGING STOPS
GILDY:
(INTO PHONE) You say he went down to Peavey's drugstore?
MAYOR:
(FURIOUS) GIL-DER-SLEEVE!
GILDY:
(HUGE DOUBLE TAKE) Now-- Whooooaaaaaaa! Oooh.
MUSIC:
CURTAIN
SOUND:
APPLAUSE
ANNOUNCER:
The Great Gildersleeve will be right back. There's a wonderful new oil that does wonderful new things for homemade salad dressings, baking, and frying. It's Kraft Oil, the oil that's Superfined to make it lighter-bodied. Because Kraft Oil is a lighter-bodied oil, it blends faster and better with other ingredients; makes smoother, tastier French dressings; makes cakes and cookies that stay fresh and moist day after day; gives fried foods a tender crispness. Better begin using lighter-bodied Kraft Oil in your kitchen. Get a bottle tomorrow.
MUSIC:
TAG
GILDY:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Boy Scout Week, so it seems a good time to congratulate the many fine American families everywhere who have encouraged the Scout movement to the point where today its membership is at an all-time high. Yes, sir, there are more than three million, two hundred and fifty thousand Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Explorers, and adult leaders. And Leroy--?
LEROY:
Yeah, Unc?
GILDY:
I want to congratulate you on your forty-third birthday.
LEROY:
Forty-third birthday? Me?!
GILDY:
As a member the Boy Scouts, my boy. This week you're celebrating your forty-third birthday.
LEROY:
Oh, sure. Hey, Unc--?
GILDY:
Yes?
LEROY:
We need leaders. Have you ever considered joining the Boy Scouts?
GILDY:
After what happened to me tonight, I've even thought of joining the Foreign Legion. ...
LEROY:
What happened to your two dates?
GILDY:
Well, the mayor found escorts for them. They're probably having a wonderful time.
LEROY:
What do you suppose the mayor's going to say to you tomorrow?
GILDY:
Not a thing, my boy.
LEROY:
No?
GILDY:
(UNHAPPY) He said it all tonight. ... Good night, folks.
SOUND:
APPLAUSE
MUSIC:
THEME
ANNOUNCER:
The Great Gildersleeve is played by Willard Waterman. The show is written by John Elliotte and Andy White, and is partially transcribed. Included in the cast are Walter Tetley, Lillian Randolph, Mary Schipp, Shirley Mitchell, Stanley Farrar, and Dick LeGrand. Musical compositions by Jack Meakin. This is John Hiestand saying goodnight for the Kraft Foods Company, makers of the famous line of Kraft quality food products. Be sure to listen in next week and every week for the further adventures of the Great Gildersleeve!
MUSIC:
TAG
2ND ANNCR:
What goes into a perfect sandwich? Maybe it's roast beef or savory baked ham. Whatever your favorite, the perfect meat sandwich needs the perfect mustard: Kraft Prepared Mustard. For when you add a little mustard, you add a lot of tang. You can take your choice of two kinds of Kraft Mustard. Mild Kraft Mustard is smooth and delicately spiced. Or, if you like your mustard with extra pep, try Kraft Mustard with snappy horseradish added. Keep them both on hand and keep everyone in the family happy. Next time, get Kraft Prepared Mustard.
MUSIC:
JAUNTY THEME ... FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN FADES OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER-- NBC ANNCR: Tonight, play "You Bet Your Life" on NBC!
MUSIC:
NBC CHIMES