ANNOUNCER:

It's time for MY FAVORITE HUSBAND, starring Lucille Ball!

BALL:

Jell-O, everybody!

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, it's the new gay family series, starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, brought to you by the Jell-O family of desserts.

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Ohhhhh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O!

WOMAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Puddings.

MAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Tap-pioca Puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

MUSIC:

TO A FINISH ... AND OUT

ANNOUNCER:

And now, Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, as Liz and George Cooper -- two people who live together, and like it.

MUSIC:

INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

As we look in on the Coopers, it's late afternoon and George Cooper is on his way home from the bank. He just got his car out of Miller's Garage where he left it to be overhauled and is on his way to Sally's Beauty Parlor where he left his wife Liz -- to be overhauled. ... He, er-- He pulls to a stop by an attractive girl standing on the corner.

SOUND:

CAR PULLS UP TO CURB

GEORGE:

(WOLF WHISTLE, THEN SUGGESTIVELY) Going my way, baby?

LIZ:

(WEARY) Oh, hi, George.

GEORGE:

(FEIGNS SHOCK) Oh! Oh, I didn't know it was you, Liz!

LIZ:

Oh, George, you pull that same corny gag every time you've picked me up for the last ten years.

GEORGE:

(MERRILY) Ha ha! Well, it always gets a rise out of you.

LIZ:

Well, not today.

GEORGE:

Hey, come on, get in.

SOUND:

LIZ'S ELBOWS ON CAR DOOR

LIZ:

I'm trying.

GEORGE:

What are you doing, Liz? You can't open the door with your elbows. Use your hands.

LIZ:

I can't. My nail polish isn't dry. ... Oh, I can't do it. Well, you're certainly being a big help.

GEORGE:

Well, I'm thinking. Er, try using your teeth.

LIZ:

Oh, skip it. ... You just drive on home and I'll run along behind you. ... The breeze'll dry my polish. ...

GEORGE:

Ha ha! I'm just kidding you, honey. Here, I'll open the door.

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS

LIZ:

Well! Thank you!

SOUND:

LIZ CLIMBS IN ... CAR DOOR SHUTS ... CAR PULLS AWAY FROM CURB ... AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

LIZ:

You know, George, before we were married you would have leaped out of the car, sprinted around to the other side, and swung open the door for me.

GEORGE:

Well, that was ten years ago. If I did that today, I'd have a heart attack.

LIZ:

If you did that today, I'd have a heart attack. ...

GEORGE:

Well! You're in a good mood.

LIZ:

Oh, I'm sorry, George, but while I was in the beauty parlor, Sally told me some very disturbing news.

GEORGE:

(GASPS, MOCKINGLY) There's a strike in the henna factory. ...

LIZ:

No! It was really serious. Now, who do you think is giving a party and hasn't invited us?

GEORGE:

Elsa Maxwell? ...

LIZ:

Oh, if you're going to be smart alecky, I won't tell you.

GEORGE:

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

LIZ:

I mean it; I won't tell you.

GEORGE:

Oh, okay by me.

LIZ:

(BEAT) Begging will get you nowhere! ... Well, all right, I'll tell you. ... The Atterburys are having a costume party Halloween night and they didn't invite us!

GEORGE:

(ASTONISHED) What?!

LIZ:

It's true, so help me.

GEORGE:

Well, I don't believe it. Who told you a thing like that?

LIZ:

Sally, my beauty operator.

GEORGE:

Oh, well, I might have known. How does Sally find out everything?

LIZ:

I don't know. I think she has a wire recorder hidden in the hair dryer. ... But she's always right!

GEORGE:

Oh, ridiculous. What reason would the Atterburys have for not inviting us to their party?

LIZ:

Well, I thought you might know. Is everything all right at the bank?

GEORGE:

Well, certainly. Oh, this doesn't make sense. We-- Well, we probably just haven't received our invitation yet. It'll be there in the morning mail.

LIZ:

Well, if it isn't, I know what I'm going to do.

GEORGE:

What?

LIZ:

I'm going to R-S-V-P without being A-S-K-E-D. ...

MUSIC:

TRANSITION

SOUND:

BREAKFAST TABLE BACKGROUND (UTENSILS, DISHES, ET CETERA)

GEORGE:

Liz, come and eat breakfast and stop looking for the mailman! You're pushing your nose all out of shape against the window.

LIZ:

(VERY NASAL) No, I'm not, George. (NORMAL VOICE) Um-- No, I'm not, George. (IMPATIENT) Why doesn't that mailman come?

GEORGE:

Maybe because it's only eight o'clock in the morning.

LIZ:

But Mr. Negley's usually here by this-- Oh, I know the answer. It's Katy's day off; he starts at the other end of the route when she's not here to give him his breakfast coffee.

GEORGE:

Smart operator. Say, how's Katy doing with him? Making any headway?

LIZ:

Oh, yes. She's gotten him to the lap-sitting stage.

GEORGE:

No!

LIZ:

Yeah. He finally agreed to sit on her lap. ...

GEORGE:

He sits on her lap?

LIZ:

Well, he's so small, George, she'd squash him. ... Oh, darn it, where is he? This is our last chance. If that invitation doesn't come this morning, we'll know the Atterburys deliberately snubbed us.

GEORGE:

Look, Liz, if the Atterburys want to give a party and not ask us, it's their business. They probably have a very good reason.

LIZ:

There couldn't be any good reason for not asking us. We're their closest friends. They couldn't do a thing like that to us.

GEORGE:

We've given parties without asking them.

LIZ:

That was different. I had a very good reason. ...

GEORGE:

All right. I can't argue with that kind of feminine logic. Anyway, you - you only have a beauty operator's rumor that they're giving a party at all.

LIZ:

Oh, no. No, I checked on it. I had Katy call the Atterburys' maid last night and they are having a party.

GEORGE:

Well, I don't understand it.

LIZ:

Oh, there's Mr. Negley.

SOUND:

LIZ'S STEPS TO DOOR, IN BG

GEORGE:

Yeah, but your breakfast is getting cold.

LIZ:

Well, I'm not hungry.

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS LIZ STEPS OUTSIDE

LIZ:

Mr. Negley, am I glad to see you.

NEGLEY:

(EXTREMELY PLEASED) Really? ... Well, I - I always look forward to seeing you, too.

LIZ:

Oh. Well, thank you. May I have our mail, please?

NEGLEY:

Is Katy home?

LIZ:

(QUICKLY) No. May I have our mail, please?

NEGLEY:

You know, Mrs. Cooper, I like Katy. Mmm. ... Someday, if things go well, maybe she'll let me put my stamp on her envelope.

LIZ:

Uh, Mr. Negley, will you give me our mail, please?

NEGLEY:

I'd love to change her zone number to mine. ... But she's really too good for me. She's first class matter. ...

LIZ:

Yes. Could I have--?

NEGLEY:

She's better than that. She's air mail special delivery! ...

LIZ:

Well, I'm sure she is.

NEGLEY:

Registered!

LIZ:

Look-- ... Mr. Negley, someday I hope you and Katy settle down and raise a lot of little postcards, but right now ... will you please give me our mail?

NEGLEY:

Oh, yes. I have a letter for you here somewhere. (SOUND: RUMMAGES THROUGH MAILBAG) Um-- Oh, here it is.

LIZ:

I'll take it.

SOUND:

RIP! OF ENVELOPE TORN IN TWO

LIZ:

(DISMAYED) Oh!

NEGLEY:

(DEEPLY OFFENDED) Well! You see, Grabby?! ... You've only got half of it. It - it serves you right.

SOUND:

LIZ GENTLY TEARS HER HALF OF THE ENVELOPE OPEN WITH--

LIZ:

Well, this might-- This might be it. Let's see. (READS) "You are cordially invited--" (TO NEGLEY) Quick! What does the other half say?

NEGLEY:

(READS) "--to bring your car home for service." ...

LIZ:

Great. Isn't there another letter for us?

NEGLEY:

No, that's all.

LIZ:

Maybe you made a mistake.

NEGLEY:

(DEEPLY INSULTED) Please! ... There isn't a man in postal service who sorts his mail more carefully than Harrison Q. Negley!

LIZ:

Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Well, let me take a look. Maybe it's stuck down there someplace.

SOUND:

LIZ GRABS THE MAILBAG ... RUMMAGES THROUGH IT, IN BG

NEGLEY:

(HYSTERICAL) Take your hands off my mailbag!

LIZ:

Mr. Negley, this is more important than you think!

NEGLEY:

You're tampering with the U. S. mail!

SOUND:

MAILBAG CONTENTS SPILL ONTO GROUND

LIZ:

(DISMAYED) Ohhhh.

NEGLEY:

(HORRIFIED) Now look what you've done! I'm all unsorted! ... Heaven knows what you've done to my fragiles! ... Oh, why didn't I stay in parcel post? ...

LIZ:

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Negley. I thought sure I'd get a letter from Mrs. Atterbury. Here, I'll help you sort--

NEGLEY:

(PETULANT) No! No, just leave me alone. And if you're talking about Mrs. Atterbury's party, I delivered those invitations last week and you didn't get one and I'm glad, do you hear me? Glad, glad, glad! ...

SOUND:

APPLAUSE FOR NEGLEY

NEGLEY:

(SWEETLY, OUT OF HABIT) Bye, Mrs. Cooper!

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

IRIS:

Well, Rudolph, curiosity is about to kill the cat. Guess who just called on the phone?

ATTERBURY:

(UNINTERESTED) Who, Lotus Bud? ...

IRIS:

Liz Cooper. She and George are down at the corner drugstore and they want to drop by.

ATTERBURY:

(UNHAPPY) Oh, Iris -- I wanted to watch television.

IRIS:

Well, you can't. They're coming over.

ATTERBURY:

You mean I have to miss Hopalong Cassidy? ... This may be the night he gets killed. ...

IRIS:

I guarantee he won't. Now, they'll be here any minute. Help me pick up the papers on the floor and, remember, not a word about the Halloween party.

ATTERBURY:

Well, don't worry about me. I'm not the blabbermouth in this family. ...

IRIS:

Well, I can't wait to see their faces when they find out we're giving a surprise Halloween party for them!

ATTERBURY:

Yeah. And at their house! (HEARTY LAUGHTER) ... Yeah. Er, does everyone know what to do?

IRIS:

Oh, sure. We're meeting at [the] Coopers' side door at eight-thirty and sneaking in through the kitchen, and then when they--

SOUND:

DOORBELL RINGS

IRIS:

(LOW) There they are. Now remember -- don't even mention Halloween.

SOUND:

IRIS' STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS

IRIS:

(ENTHUSIASTIC) Liz-girl! George-boy!

LIZ:

Hi, Iris.

ATTERBURY:

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) George-boy. Liz-girl. ...

GEORGE:

Hiya, folks.

IRIS:

Well, come in, come in.

SOUND:

STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES

LIZ:

Well, I hope you don't mind that we came over without an -invitation.

IRIS:

(CHUCKLES) That's all right. (CHUCKLES) What's new, Liz?

LIZ:

Oh, nothing. Heh! What's new with you?

IRIS:

Nothing.

LIZ:

(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. ...

IRIS:

How about you, Rudolph? (NO ANSWER) Rudolph?!

ATTERBURY:

(ABSENTLY) Yes, Hopalong? ... I mean, no, no -- nothing new with me.

GEORGE:

Nothing new with me, either.

LIZ:

(CURT) Nobody asked you. ... Uh, speaking of the holiday weekend, what are you folks going to do?

IRIS:

What holiday weekend?

LIZ:

Monday is Halloween.

IRIS:

(FEIGNS SURPRISE) Rudolph?!

ATTERBURY:

Hm?

IRIS:

(EXTRAVAGANTLY) Monday is Halloween!

ATTERBURY:

(EXTRAVAGANT MOCK DISBELIEF) Noooo! ...

LIZ:

Yes, Halloween -- when people give parties, and everybody comes in costume, and you invite your best friends.

IRIS:

Huh! Sounds like fun. (CHUCKLES) ...

LIZ:

It's too bad someone isn't giving a party.

IRIS:

(GASPS) Oh, Liz--

LIZ:

(TOO QUICKLY) Yes?

IRIS:

There's something I've been meaning to ask you.

LIZ:

Yes?

IRIS:

Are you doing anything--?

LIZ:

(INTERRUPTS, QUICKLY) No, not a thing, we'd love to come, what time? ...

IRIS:

Eight o' clock.

LIZ:

Fine, fine, fine.

IRIS:

Yes, yes. Eight o'clock Wednesday morning we start collecting newspapers for the Salvation Army. ...

LIZ:

(TAKEN ABACK) Oh.

GEORGE:

Er, come on, Liz. We'd better go.

LIZ:

Wait a minute, wait a minute, George. Uh, it's for such a worthy cause, Iris, let's not wait till Wednesday morning. Let's start sooner. Say, uh, Monday night?

IRIS:

Well, uh-- I'd like to, dear, but - but - but--

LIZ:

(ICY) Would you like an ashtray for that "but," darling? ...

IRIS:

(HEMS AND HAWS; UNCONVINCING) My mother. My mother isn't feeling well and we're having dinner with her. Yes.

ATTERBURY:

Yes. Yes, we always spend Halloween with the old witch. ...

IRIS:

(ADMONISHES) Rudolph!

ATTERBURY:

What? Only trying to help. ...

LIZ:

(FURIOUS) Don't bother! We don't have to have a brick Atterbury fall on us to get the idea! Come on, George. Good night!

SOUND:

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS THE COOPERS EXIT THE HOUSE ... THEIR STEPS IN BG

LIZ:

Well, George -- now are you satisfied?

GEORGE:

Yeah, you were right, Liz. I can't get over it. I don't know what to do.

LIZ:

Well, I do. While they're having their party, we'll soap their windows and kick over their garbage cans!

GEORGE:

And stick a pin in their doorbell!

LIZ:

No. I have a better idea, George. We'll give our own Halloween party and invite everyone but the Atterburys! There's not room in this town for both of us, George! The Atterburys must go!

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

[COMMERCIAL OMITTED]

MUSIC:

THEME ... OUT BEHIND--

ANNOUNCER:

And now back to the Coopers. There's a certain party in Sheridan Falls who is upset because she hasn't been invited to a certain party. If Liz only knew that the certain party is a surprise party for her, she'd be the most surprised party of all. Well, Liz is determined to get even, so right now, she's busy inviting all her friends to an opposition party that she's giving.

LIZ:

(INTO PHONE) Hello, Mary? Liz Cooper. We're giving a Halloween party tomorrow night and we wondered if you-- What? -- Oh, your mother's sick? Well, some other time. Goodbye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GEORGE:

How are you doing, Liz?

LIZ:

If the next three couples can come, we'll have six people at the party. ...

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED BEHIND--

GEORGE:

It doesn't sound like much of a party.

LIZ:

Well, we can keep moving and make it look like a crowd. ... (INTO PHONE) Hello, Betty Rae? Liz Cooper. We're giving a party tomorrow night and-- Oh, you can't? -- Oh, she is? Well, goodbye, and tell your mother I hope she feels better. Bye.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GEORGE:

(DISBELIEF) Another refusal.

LIZ:

I don't get it. That makes the fourteenth one. Must be an epidemic of sick mothers.

SOUND:

RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED

LIZ:

Well, I'll keep trying. Somebody's mother has to be healthy. I never heard of-- (INTO PHONE) Hello, Margaret? Liz Cooper. I wondered if you and Hans could--? Oh, you couldn't? ... I didn't even ask you yet. ... Oh, you heard. Oh, your father's sick? Too bad. Well, bye, Margaret.

SOUND:

RECEIVER DOWN

GEORGE:

Well, at least she's different. Her father's sick.

LIZ:

I'll bet he caught it from someone's mother. ...

GEORGE:

(COMFORTING) Don't you care, honey. You and I will have our own little party right here.

LIZ:

(INCREASINGLY TEARFUL) George, something awful is wrong! Our best friends all turned us down! All of them!

GEORGE:

Well, forget it, baby. We'll take a course at Arthur Murray's and be successes again. ...

LIZ:

Oh, it isn't funny. We're social misfits. We're being shunned by society.

GEORGE:

Oh, now, let's not get carried away.

LIZ:

Well, it's true. First the Atterburys and then all our other friends -- making excuses and acting funny. And that's not all!

GEORGE:

What do you mean?

LIZ:

Even the birds have left our birdhouse! ...

GEORGE:

They always go south this time of year.

LIZ:

But this year they went early! ... George, there's something horrible the matter with one of us.

GEORGE:

One of us?

LIZ:

Yes, and I know it isn't you, because you're just as wonderful as you've ever been. (EXTRAVAGANTLY MISERABLE) It's me and I'm holding you back. ...

GEORGE:

Aw, now, Liz-- Now don't talk like that.

LIZ:

(MELODRAMATIC) George, you're my best friend. Is - is there something even you haven't been able to tell me? Have I been careless about the little things? ...

GEORGE:

Well, now that you mention it, there is something I noticed.

LIZ:

What?

GEORGE:

You've only been taking thirty seconds for your sixty-second workout.

LIZ:

(TEARFUL) Ohhhhhhh, George! How can you make jokes when we're social outcasts?! (MOANS, WEEPS IN BG)

GEORGE:

Oh, well now, honey, it isn't worth crying over.

LIZ:

(CRYING) I'm not crying! I don't care about those people! I hate them! ...

GEORGE:

I'm going to call up Atterbury right now and ask him what this is all about.

LIZ:

No. He won't tell you. He'll be embarrassed. (SUDDEN INSPIRATION) I know, George! I've got it! Let's go to the Atterburys' party!

GEORGE:

Liz, have you cracked your crock? ...

LIZ:

Don't you see? It's a costume party, so nobody'll know us, and - and we'll mingle with the guests and say, "Isn't it shocking about the Coopers?" -- and - and when they answer us, we'll find out the awful truth. ...

GEORGE:

You've got something there, Liz. But what kind of costumes shall we wear?

LIZ:

Well, the way people are acting, we ought to go dressed as a couple of skunks. ...

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND

LIZ:

Drive faster, George. We'll be late for the party.

GEORGE:

Well, I still don't think we ought to go. These costumes we're wearing are so silly. Two policemen's uniforms! And water pistols!

LIZ:

Aw, you're just mad because you're a sergeant and I'm a lieutenant. ... Kiss me, sergeant; that's an order.

SOUND:

THEIR LIPS SMACK AS THEY KISS

LIZ:

(CHUCKLES)

GEORGE:

Aw, couldn't you have gotten some other costumes?

LIZ:

I told you, the only other thing he had left was two halves of a horse. ...

GEORGE:

Well, what's the matter with that? At least it would have been unusual.

LIZ:

I'll say it would. They were both hind ends. ... George, can't you drive faster? Bad enough to be uninvited; let's not be late, too.

GEORGE:

I'm doing thirty-five.

LIZ:

Whoops! There goes another one!

GEORGE:

Another what?

LIZ:

Well, every time a car goes to pass us, the driver sees our cop costumes and slows down. ... We've got fifteen cars lined up in back of us. ...

GEORGE:

(AMUSED) Ha! How do like that?

LIZ:

Hey, let's tune in the police calls! Let's play cops and robbers.

SOUND:

CLICK! OF RADIO TURNED ON

LIZ:

Which station is it, George?

GEORGE:

Er, way down at the end, dear.

LIZ:

Oh, yeah.

SOUND:

STATIC AS RADIO IS TUNED ... DISPATCHER'S VOICE ON FILTER

DISPATCHER:

Calling Car Twenty-Nine. Car Twenty-Nine. Investigate auto wreck at corner Elm and Eighth. If car not too badly damaged, make offer. The chief is looking for a new car. ...

LIZ:

Oh, great.

DISPATCHER:

Watch for robberies in northside residential district. Thieves in costumes crashing Halloween parties. Victims report some dressed as policemen.

LIZ:

Uh oh.

GEORGE:

And you had to pick up policemen's uniforms for us.

LIZ:

Yeah.

GEORGE:

Ohhh, I don't like the feel of this. Let's go home.

LIZ:

Oh, don't be silly, George. No one'll bother us.

GEORGE:

Well, all right.

SOUND:

POLICE SIREN APPROACHES

GEORGE:

Awwwww.

LIZ:

Oh, no.

OFFICER:

(SLIGHTLY OFF, THICK WORKING CLASS ACCENT) Pull over t' the curb! ...

SOUND:

AUTO SLOWS TO A STOP, IN BG

GEORGE:

(TO LIZ) Now what do we do? He'll think we're those crooks.

LIZ:

Well, don't stop. Keep on going.

GEORGE:

Nothing doing. I'll just have to explain and hope he believes me.

LIZ:

No. If he doesn't, we'll miss the party. Pretend you're a real cop.

GEORGE:

Liz--

LIZ:

Go ahead. I won't say anything.

OFFICER:

(APPROACHES) Well! And why are you two holding up traffic? (SUDDENLY EMBARRASSED) Oh, excuse me, lieutenant, I didn't see ya. ...

GEORGE:

Oh, that's all right.

OFFICER:

I was speaking to the lieutenant. ... (TO LIZ) I apologize, lieutenant.

LIZ:

(ADOPTS UNCONVINCING MASCULINE VOICE, RAPID AND CLIPPED) That's all right, officer. Drive on, sergeant.

OFFICER:

Oh, lieutenant? Any further news of those masqueradin' crooks?

LIZ:

Uh, yes. There's no truth to that report. Forget about them. Drive on, sergeant.

DISPATCHER:

Attention all cars. Keep special lookout for criminals in masquerade costumes.

LIZ:

Drive on, sergeant.

OFFICER:

Just a minute! ... (SUSPICIOUS) I don't remember seein' you two on the force before.

LIZ:

Well, uh-- Er, you see, we're really plainclothesmen, but our plainclothes are being cleaned. ...

OFFICER:

I thought so! Let me see your credentials!

LIZ:

Certainly. Well, what do you know? Musta left 'em in my plain clothes. ...

OFFICER:

(HAS HEARD ENOUGH) That's all!

LIZ:

Oh, no, it isn't. Let me see your credentials.

OFFICER:

What?!

LIZ:

Maybe you're the fake one. I can prove I'm a real cop.

OFFICER:

How?

LIZ:

I got a witness. Sergeant? ...

GEORGE:

Yes, lieutenant?

LIZ:

Sergeant, am I real cop?

GEORGE:

Yes, lieutenant.

LIZ:

There you are. Drive on, sergeant. ...

OFFICER:

Just a minute! Let me see your badge.

LIZ:

Let me see your badge.

OFFICER:

There!

LIZ:

(READS) "Sheridan Falls Police Force, One-Five-Eight." Huh. (VERY FAST) Here, take a look at mine; that's enough. ...

OFFICER:

Not so fast! Now, let me see that. (READS) "Post Toasties Junior G-Man." ...

LIZ:

Well, you see, we're not local cops.

OFFICER:

What's that Post Toasties business?

LIZ:

That's for my cereal number! (FORCED LAUGH) ...

OFFICER:

All right, you're comin' with me!

GEORGE:

Oh, you really fixed us up, Liz.

LIZ:

(LOW, FAST) He'll never take us alive, George. I still got my gun. One squirt for each of us! ...

OFFICER:

Come on! Outta the car!

GEORGE:

Oh, look, officer, we're not crooks. My name is George Cooper. I live at Three Twenty-One Bundy Drive and I'm vice-president of the Sheridan Falls National Bank. Now, if you'll just follow us home, I'll show you plenty of identification.

OFFICER:

Well-- Okay, but no funny business. I'll just get in the back seat and go with ya.

SOUND:

CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS OFFICER CLIMBS IN

GEORGE:

Oh, thank you.

LIZ:

(STILL MASCULINE) Drive on, sergeant.

GEORGE:

Oh, cut it out, Liz.

LIZ:

(DEEPER VOICE) Okay.

MUSIC:

BRIDGE

SOUND:

CAR PULLS UP TO CURB AND STOPS

GEORGE:

Well, this is our house, officer.

OFFICER:

(ANNOYED) Well, it better be.

SOUND:

CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE AS THEY CLIMB OUT

LIZ:

(NORMAL VOICE AGAIN; HUSHED, URGENT) Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Look there at the side door! Some figure slipping into our house!

GEORGE:

And they're in costume!

LIZ:

Yeah!

GEORGE:

We found the gang!

LIZ:

Ssshhh!

OFFICER:

(MELODRAMATIC) Wait a minute! Have you led me into a trap?

LIZ:

No, no. ... Believe us, we don't know anything about it. Those people are crooks!

GEORGE:

And they're robbing our house! Oh, what'll we do?

LIZ:

We better call the police!

OFFICER:

Yeah, we better call the-- Wha--? ... (OUTRAGED) What do you think I am?! Western Union?! ...

LIZ:

Well, we don't know if you're real or not.

OFFICER:

Let's not start that again!

LIZ:

Ssshhh! ... They'll hear us.

OFFICER:

Well, come on. We'll catch 'em red-handed.

GEORGE:

Okay.

SOUND:

THEIR HURRIED STEPS TO FRONT DOOR, IN BG

OFFICER:

Quiet, everybody. We'll sneak up to the door. (BEAT) Okay, now let's rush 'em.

SOUND:

FRONT DOOR OPENS ... THEIR STEPS RUSH IN AND STOP

LIZ:

All right, everybody! Hands up!

GUESTS:

Surprise! Surprise, Liz! Surprise, George!

LIZ:

(SURPRISED) Iris!

GEORGE:

(THE SAME) Mr. Atterbury!

IRIS:

(PLEASED) Liz-girl!

ATTERBURY:

(THE SAME) George-boy!

OFFICER:

(INCREASINGLY MELODRAMATIC) I knew it! You're all in this together! ...

LIZ:

You mean this is a surprise party for us?

IRIS:

Yes! You didn't suspect a thing, did you?

GEORGE:

Oh, not a thing!

ATTERBURY:

And what wonderful costumes you have!

OFFICER:

(SAVAGELY) Okay! Hands up, everybody! ...

IRIS:

(UNIMPRESSED) Oh, for goodness sake. Introduce us to your friend, Liz.

LIZ:

(DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY) I can't get over it. A surprise party, and all the time we thought nobody liked us.

OFFICER:

(WILDLY) Now listen to me! Hands up, everybody! ...

ATTERBURY:

(UNIMPRESSED, CALM) Look - look, fella, you made your entrance. The gag's over.

LIZ:

Oh, here we have all these wonderful friends and we thought nobody liked us!

OFFICER:

(DESPERATELY) Now hands up! Please! ...

ATTERBURY:

(DISMISSIVE) Look - look, buster, you're overdoing your act. And take that false face off; it's horrible! ...

OFFICER:

(DISBELIEF) Won't anybody put their hands up? ... (PETULANT) I'm gonna tell my sergeant about this! ...

LIZ:

Oh, George! And we thought nobody liked us!

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

MUSIC:

CURTAIN

BALL:

(CALLS, PLAYFUL) Oh, Bo-ob?! Bob LeMond?!

ANNOUNCER:

Yes, Lucille?

BALL:

Bob, if I'm not being too personal, how many people do you think eat Jell-O Puddings?

ANNOUNCER:

You know, I've been wondering the same thing.

BALL:

You have?

ANNOUNCER:

How did you happen to ask me that just at this moment?

BALL:

Well, I don't know. It was just the next line in my script. Uh-- ... Why don't we ask a fortune teller, Bob? My rates are very reasonable.

ANNOUNCER:

You? A fortune teller?

BALL:

Yeah, don't tell a soul. See, my real name isn't Lucille. It's Crystal. (CREEPY FORTUNE TELLER VOICE) Crystal Ball. ... Step right into my tent and I will tell the future for you. (SINISTER LAUGH) ...

MUSIC:

MYSTERIOSO PIZZICATO

ANNOUNCER:

Good afternoon. Are you Madam Ball?

BALL:

(CREEPY) Cross my palm with silver.

ANNOUNCER:

But your hand is bandaged! What - what happened?

BALL:

My last customer crossed my palm with silver.

ANNOUNCER:

Well, who was he?

BALL:

The Lone Ranger. ... What is it you wish to know? I know all. Nothing is unknown to me. (QUICKLY) Now wait a minute, where'd I put that crystal ball? Oh, here it is.

ANNOUNCER:

Tell me, madam -- as you gaze into the future, do you see any Jell-O Chocolate Pudding? Absolutely luscious with deep down chocolatey goodness?

BALL:

Well, let me take a look. Let's see, there's the results for tomorrow's races; we don't want those. ... Uh, the inauguration of our next president; no, no, no. Uh, who's going to play in the Rose Bowl game? No, no, no. Nope, nothing here about Jell-O Chocolate Pudding.

ANNOUNCER:

Well, how about Jell-O Butterscotch Pudding with that buttery brown sugar flavor? Or Jell-O Vanilla Pudding -- rich and smooth as cream?

BALL:

Oh, now let me see. Aha! Are they swell desserts for the kids?

ANNOUNCER:

Yes!

BALL:

Do you simply add milk and they cook to velvety perfection in just about five minutes?

ANNOUNCER:

That's it!

BALL:

(QUICKLY) Nope, don't see a thing about them. ... (SLOW, CREEPY) You forgot to cross my palm with silver.

ANNOUNCER:

All right, here.

BALL:

(QUICKLY) Well! Look at all the Jell-O Puddings! Everyone's crazy about them! Old people are saying: "Jell-O Puddings are fine." Young people are saying: "Jell-O Puddings are great!" Gay people are saying: (CRACKS UP WITH LAUGHTER) "Jell-O Puddings are swell!" ...

MUSIC:

TAG

SOUND:

APPLAUSE

ANNOUNCER:

Be sure to listen to Lucille Ball in MY FAVORITE HUSBAND again next week, presented by--

MUSIC:

FOR JINGLE, IN BG--

SINGERS:

J-E-L-L-Ohhhhh!
The big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
Oh, the big red letters stand for the Jell-O family.
That's Jell-O!

WOMAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Puddings.

MAN:

Yum, yum, yum.

SINGERS:

Jell-O Tap-pioca Puddings. Yes-sir-ee!

MUSIC:

TAG